Daughter caught us - How to handle this?

[Playingnow 39]

My wife and I have been playing for about a year now. We were invited to a private party at a friend's friend's home. Things progressed through the evening pretty well. We knew there were other couples already playing when we arrived. We met a nice couple and before we knew it, were enjoying each other in a large tent the hosts had set up for pleasures.

 

As I was being rode by the wife of this couple and my wife was being serviced by the husband, another couple came walking in the almost darkness and over to join us.

 

Then a scream. Looking up, there stood our 20ish YO daughter, naked as can be with a young guy.

 

Go figure!

 

She ran out and disappeared. I have called her and went to her apartment but she wouldn't answer the door and won't return my calls.

 

Has anyone been caught in the act and how do I handle this?

[bbarnsworth 2,637]

I'm sure it was a major, major shock to your daughter, not to mention both of you. But, both of you are probably far better equipped to mentally and emotionally handle this shock.

 

My wife and I have discussed this in the past. Our kids are not old enough to make this a potentially reality now, but it could be in the future.

 

Our general idea is that we will of course not in any way look negatively upon a child of ours getting into the lifestyle. We will make sure they understand that. Your daughter, in your situation, may feel a huge shock in part because she probably thinks you have a particular image of her, and seeing her as a swinger just shattered that. Self esteem can plummet. "My God! I don't want to think about what my parents think of me now!"

 

Another issue might be her general unease at her parents seeing her naked and either involved in or soon to be involved in sexual activities. This can be violating to a person. I think how I would approach this is saying "You're a human being, which means you are in part a sexual creature. It's no secret to us that you have sex. We don't need to see it, and we need to work something out to prevent that happening again, but you're not freaking us out by inadvertently proving you have sex. "

 

Another issue could be she has an image of how her parents "are", and seeing her parents having sex with someone other than mom/dad could also have shattered that impression. Kids often think their parents are sticks in the mud, know-nothings, that have sex about once a year and only in missionary position. They are the moral fiber of the family, the backbone. Mom and dad might have dabbled in different things when they were younger, but now they're responsible...the wouldn't do something like that! You could have just destroyed her entire view of you. Our response might be "Now you know something about us you didn't know. We can't undo that. What we can tell you is we're still your parents, we still love you, and everything you thought of us before is more or less true. It's not really affected by what you know now."

 

There's a lot of possible things at play here, which makes yet another issue. Emotional overload. Just toooo many inputs to synthesize at once. A common defense mechanism in that situation is to shut it out, push it away, make it non-existent for as long as possible.

 

Your daughter is a grown woman. You can't hold her hand for everything. She's probably hurt, and may emotionally hurt herself more for the time being by pushing you away, but she probably will be fine in time. I wouldn't push. I'd wait a week or two, and try to contact her again. If necessary, leave a message like "Honey, we're not mad at you, we're not disappointed with you, or anything like that. We're still your parents, we still love you. Please talk with us"

 

There's been threads on this topic from a theoretical stand point before. Some others may post links to them (I hope!)

[fun4Ds 1,098]

Man, this has to really suck !

 

I really mean that, we could only imagine how you guys must feel today.

 

I don't know that there are any how to's, at this point.....

 

Mrs.fun and I sat here and talked about this. I know I felt like, wouldn't we have stopped and exchanged some kind of words before our own daughter left. Mrs.fun said " Like what, stick your head out of the tent yelling, wait its not what you think ? "

 

We might not have wanted to even come out of the tent...

 

We have always had a fairly good relationship with our kids who are now, adults. Sure they know what we do, but appreciate our discretion. We know them well enough that no, their not interested in the lifestyle. Allot of things actually changed from the 90's till now. Growing up, they realized that a few other piers had parents that well, enjoyed their weekend getaways also.

 

Growing up, we felt it best to lead by example, not demonstration....... I'm not making light of this, but you kinda stepped out of our boundaries.

 

Talking to Mrs fun about this, she said we wouldn't call, we wouldn't knock on her door. We would wait. I have to listen to her as she has some pretty good points as to why. Our children are adults and we respect their homes just as they do ours. We would think of letting your daughter bring this to you, not the other way around.

 

That may take time....... We would say, wait do nothing for now.

 

Then if and when the need did arise, we would not apologies for who we are or what we do. Perhaps how this happened, but not what we were doing.

 

Do you think thats possible ?

[Playingnow 39]

It has been nearly two weeks now since running into our daughter at the party. She finally called me last night late. I could hear the tention in her voice. I said nothing and let her ask first which she did. I told her that her Mom and I had been playing for a year now and just because we were enjoying sexual pleasures from others, didn't mean any loss in our love for each other.

 

I never asked her why she was there. I didn't have to. She began explaining to me why and I interupted her. I told her it was her freedome to do as she wished and she didn't have to explain. She reminded me of how protective I was as she was growing up and I told her because I loved her and didn't want her to get hurt by some young boy who only had one thing on his mind. Her perfect little body. She does have a perfect little body and unlike me, is very cute.

 

I told her not to embarressed by the situation and not to let this ruin her feelings of sharing with others as long as she plays safely.

 

I guess hearing this coming from her Dad, made things a little easier, I think! She then asked me something I wasn't expecting. Would I be able to hug her and hold her in my arms like I always have in the past. I asked her why I wouldn't be able to. I told her I had always held her and hugged her with love from my heart. She said yes, but now I had seen her naked and seen her exploring her sexual side. I asured her I was not upset and would never judge her for enjoying life.

 

So we are taking it from here.

[LFM2 1,482]

I'm not quite sure how I'd handle your situation, but it sounds like it was a very good adult conversation.

 

I also believe it was good for her to hear that you and your wife have not lost any love for each other or for her. She needs to hear that, just for reassurance.

[Trace Ekies 186]

Wow!!! All she wanted to know is if you'd hold her and love her like you did in the past...she focused on what matters and nothing else. Smart "kid".

 

BTW...I got a tear in my eye when I read that...

 

Trace

[The Fuse 1,012]

Yes, my chin is quivering too. So happy to hear that you and your daughter are focusing on your love as family and acceptance as adults. I'm sure LFM2 is right as well; your daughter probably benefited a great deal from hearing you reinforce the love between her parents.

[shymxcpl 71]

Sounds like you have a wonderful daughter. I think that the fact that you are also in the lifestyle should serve to reassure her of her own decisions. It sounds like she wasn't so sure that she was doing the right thing but you can build on the fact that you and your wife are swingers to give her some moral support.

 

And hug her as much as you can!!! She's a great girl!

[fun4Ds 1,098]

Wow, this is admirable........ simply just inspiring.

 

If ever there were a how to's in this situation, I hope other parents "can get" how you handled this situation, and why.

[turnuptheheat 98]

Kewl:)

 

Your daughter was upset that you saw her enjoying herself sexually. I bet you saw her enjoying herself on roller coasters, playing with dolls, jumping rope and watching TV as well.

Looks like you have seen her grow up in ways most never do.

It will be an interesting, and I bet fantastic turn in your relationship, based on the account of your conversation.

[If_You_Please 81]

I just have to say that I have the utmost respect for you and how you handled this situation. I'm also envious as hell of your daughter...openness like this in a child/parent relationship is rare. I hope you realize how lucky you really are.

[dodgechevy 149]

I just have to say that I have the utmost respect for you and how you handled this situation. I'm also envious as hell of your daughter...openness like this in a child/parent relationship is rare. I hope you realize how lucky you really are.

 

Totally envious. NOT in we wish our parents were swingers (ewww). But in that if they were ever to find out they would be accepting.

 

Would not be surprised if both our sets of parents would never want to speak to us again if they were to ever find out.

[2aussies 51]

Just like to endorse what everybody else has said. I think you have a great relationship with your daughter and I can see it getting better.

[Additude 457]

See....

 

All's well that ends well.

 

You all have a bond that will deepen your family ties.....and give you all something to laugh about in a few months from now when the initial shock wears off.

 

As shocking as that meeting has/had to be at the moment....the reality of the situation is rather jovial from an objective point of view.

 

I'm glad things worked out for you.

[NCfuncouple98 367]

Your bond with your daughter has grown through this experience. So no matter the negative feelings initially. Our boys are teens, and we hope to never face this situation, but should we ever..... You handled it with grace and style, and your daughter obviously is reassured of her relationship with you, and the relationship her parents share.

[Alura 2,774]

My first thought was, "Just who got caught?"

 

I think y'all handled the situation with perfection. Communication is always the answer. Y'all opened up a whole new arena of understanding. You and your daughter will never have to be afraid to share thoughts again, no matter what the subject.

 

Congratulations!

 

Mr. Alura

[dodgechevy 149]

My first thought was, "Just who got caught?"

 

Mr. Alura

 

Hehehe.

 

Just had a funny thought, imagine somewhere out on the web. The daughter has started her own thread on how she was caught by her parents?

[Additude 457]

My first thought was, "Just who got caught?"

 

I think y'all handled the situation with perfection. Communication is always the answer. Y'all opened up a whole new arena of understanding. You and your daughter will never have to be afraid to share thoughts again, no matter what the subject.

 

Congratulations!

 

Mr. Alura

 

And along with Mr. Alura's train of thought, which makes a good point, have you considered what you & your daughter are going to do regarding any future meetings at swinger events?

 

That might be something to think about.

[Chitowndk4u 32]

I love reading happy endings like this.

[realcplub2 513]

Kudos To PlayingNow

 

I would tend to agree that the issue you Daughter wrestled with wasnt that Mom and Dad were there playing rather that she was seen there getting ready to partake.

 

The embarassment, she has been going thru seems like what any daughter would, after being caught, in the act or as in this case, nearly in the act.. Its normal, and again Kudos to how you handled it.

 

We have had similar discussions after our daughter in law made a few comments, and it was clear either our oldest son had talked and she knew we were, or it went further than that, and they have seen a profile or posting out on the web somewhere.

 

We both agree that if any of the kids were to bring it up, we would be honest with them and explain it, much the same as you did.

[JustAskJulie 2,595]

I'm glad to hear that it worked out well in the end. THere's really no reason it should not have as there's no reason to lie about anything when it's already out there. I would suggest that you find some way to avoid running into each other at the same parties in the future...lol.

[dumbasarock10 49]

Wow, that is impressive. The closest I've come is simply being caught naked at the resort by my mother. My mother actually got me the membership; she's the DJ. But up until about 3 years ago, I was always too prudish to go full monty. Well, one night, 3 tequila's and a cute blonde waitress at the hot tub later, I loose the inhibitions, and the clothes. I'm figuring "Mom's up at the DJ booth, she won't come out here. Well...."Hey son, want me to bring you another drink?" Like it was nothing at all. I turned and ducked down into the water as fast as I could while everyone else laughed at me. "Oh stop it. I saw it before you did." she says. She of course, wears a bikini at the club house so I'm spared that trauma. Of course, now seeing your situation, mine seems superfluous. And I hope you'll forgive me, but upon first reading the story, just the initial awkwardness of it was amusing. I couldn't help but crack a smile. It's like something out of an episode of Seinfeld. I don't mean to make light of your distress, and I could never imagine, I'm sure it was traumatic. But what are the odds of that happening anyways?

[VanHlebar 187]

Just wanted to add that I am glad everything worked out for the best and yea even I got a little misty upon reading your daughter's concern.

 

We have done our best to try and foster an open relationship with all four of our kids and we have tried with those that are old enough to let them know that sex is nothing to be ashamed of and is very natural. We are pretty sure that my two children, the oldest of the four, know about our lifestyle. Neither have ever said anything directly but have made off comments about our "friendships" with certain friends.

 

MrsVan and I have often had conversations about what we would do if we ran into one of our children at a club or party and well, you just can't really know unless you are in that situation.

 

On the question asked by someone else of what are the odds of running into a child at a party/club, for us I think probably higher than average. We have 3 children that are very open and one in particular is way too much like me. Hopefully we never have it come up, but if we do, I sure hope that we are able to handle the situation as wonderfully as you have!

 

-Van

[cocpl2007 170]

It has been nearly two weeks now since running into our daughter at the party. She finally called me last night late. I could hear the tention in her voice. I said nothing and let her ask first which she did. I told her that her Mom and I had been playing for a year now and just because we were enjoying sexual pleasures from others, didn't mean any loss in our love for each other.

 

I never asked her why she was there. I didn't have to. She began explaining to me why and I interupted her. I told her it was her freedome to do as she wished and she didn't have to explain. She reminded me of how protective I was as she was growing up and I told her because I loved her and didn't want her to get hurt by some young boy who only had one thing on his mind. Her perfect little body. She does have a perfect little body and unlike me, is very cute.

 

I told her not to embarressed by the situation and not to let this ruin her feelings of sharing with others as long as she plays safely.

 

I guess hearing this coming from her Dad, made things a little easier, I think! She then asked me something I wasn't expecting. Would I be able to hug her and hold her in my arms like I always have in the past. I asked her why I wouldn't be able to. I told her I had always held her and hugged her with love from my heart. She said yes, but now I had seen her naked and seen her exploring her sexual side. I asured her I was not upset and would never judge her for enjoying life.

 

So we are taking it from here.

 

Seems like you've had an excellent outcome, in spite of all of your angst about the possible repercussions of your Daughter's discovery. Our heart goes out to you all. Good Luck

 

The Co's

[Miss Sunshine 29]

how about an update? have you played with your daughter there since?

[ArousedInterest 34]

Wow, that would be a shock. Seems like it all will be OK, though.

We are lucky ours are to young yet, for a situation like that to happen yet.

[realcplub2 513]

how about an update? have you played with your daughter there since?

 

I do believe this was the issue in question...

 

Rather, the new issue that needs to be addressed since everything has fallen into place.. a schedule and cross checks to make sure to be a seperate parties/clubs to avoid the future tensions

[SW_PA_Couple 4,024]

how about an update? have you played with your daughter there since?

I realize that it is an egregious breach of bulletin board etiquette to publicly correct somebody's spelling, grammar or punctuation. But this one is a screamer, so I must.

 

I hope you meant to ask, "Have you since then played while your daughter was there?"

[Miss Sunshine 29]

no offense, but I don't need you correcting anything. If you feel a need ,find a board for the obsessive and compulsive grammar nazis

[SW_PA_Couple 4,024]

If you feel a need ,find a board for the obsessive and compulsive grammar nazis

Such places exist?

 

I apologize. I was wrong to characterize this as improper grammer.

 

I perceived something in the order of the words: have you played with your daughter there since as compared to have you played since with your daughter there.

[slevin 1,374]

Such places exist?

 

I apologize. I was wrong to characterize this as improper grammer.

 

I perceived something in the order of the words: have you played with your daughter there since as compared to have you played since with your daughter there.

 

It gave me pause to wonder as well! I just went with the best possible connotation and took the meaning to be the latter rather than the former.

[SW_PA_Couple 4,024]

It gave me pause to wonder as well! I just went with the best possible connotation and took the meaning to be the latter rather than the former.

I should also have done so.

[Miss Sunshine 29]

omg, you two must be a joy to play with

[The Fuse 1,012]

omg, you two must be a joy to play with

Sorry Miss Sunshine, but your post, while I'm sure you didn't mean "play with your daughter", was written in a way that could reasonably be misunderstood in my opinion. Usually the phrase "play with such-and-such" means to have sex with them. I didn't think you meant it that way, but other people have posted such things in the past and they did actually mean it that way. So while most people deserve the benefit of the doubt, as you of course do, it's not too far out of line to ask IMO... just to make sure.

[Alura 2,774]

One has to be careful of participles and other things that dangle. I have a bit of a problem with that in my writing as well.

 

Mr. Alura

[SW_PA_Couple 4,024]

Has anyone been caught in the act and how do I handle this?

I'm the guy who made this discussion go off the track so I feel responsible to put it back on-track.

 

Yes, sounds like the OP handled this about as best as it could have been. Probably scared the heck out of the OP's daughter. I commend Playingnow for putting her consideration above any of theirs. Would any of us performed as well in the same situation?

 

~Michael

[livinitup77 15]

I'm so glad your daughter called and you guys were able to talk about it.

[Playingnow 39]

I have posted about our daughter showing up at a party and raising hell with us about our lifestyle.

 

Last evening we ran into a couple that we have played with. We were getting our taxes done as were they. His wife asked if we could go for a drink together after we were done and we walked to the local tavern for a drink.

 

The brought up the situation we had running into our now 25 year old daughter at a private party and how she reacted and caused us to almost stop playing around.

 

No we haven't done much since. Christmas and once last month.

 

They attended a Valentines Day party at a club. We have never even been in a club but they frequent one near us.

 

They told us they ran into our daughter at the club. She didn't know whom they were but they knew her and our ordeal with her. I asked whom she was with and they hesitated to tell me. After coaxing them to tell me, I really wasn't surprised at all.

 

They said she came with a guy whom was old enough to be my Dad. They guessed in his late 70s. Then they said they ran into her making out in the hot tub with three old guys. When she saw them, she asked them if they wanted to join. They sat on the edge and watched her take care of the older guys. They learned that she is living with this old 70s guy and may be married to him, they think.

 

He and his wife talked about what went on and came to the conclusion that our daughter caused us our problems because she was covering up the fact that she is into old guys.

 

When I asked him if he did or didn't join her, he said he wanted to real bad but knowing the shit she caused us and what she was doing to those guys that night, he just couldn't get excited about her.

 

Anyway, we talked for nearly an hour and mainly about what our daughter was into and have decided, She caused us the heart aches to cover up that she is into old men. That would explain the comment she maid about me being a pervert and not to get any ideas of sharing her. I wouldn't anyway.

 

So those of you whom had great gentle advice think I am on track with this? Still bothers me about the whole situation and yes I guess it has effected our lifestyle somewhat. I know it has affected my wife playing because we turned down a chance to play with a woman my wife has always wanted to play with.

 

Oh yes, we did have fun Valentines Night with two other couples but in private. That is a story of it's own you won't believe.

[DigginIt 1,132]

I'm not sure what other people will say. I have three daughters, one younger and two teenagers. As a dad, I want what's best for my girls but ultimately, when they grow up, you have to let them live their lives and love them for who they are. I'm sure my wife and I made many decisions our own parents wouldn't have approved of had they known and still do.

 

I'm sure you raised her well. She's an adult now and as a parent you should always be there for her but she most likely doesn't want to be told what to do or how to do it. That time has come and past. Now she has to make her own decisions and live her own life. Love her, support her when needed but accept that you did your best and there are somethings in life she must learn on her own.

 

I'm sure it's heart breaking and I'm sure I will have a hard time staying out of my children's lives when they are older but hopefully my belief will keep me from interfering and that belief is that children need guidance, adult children just need acceptance.

 

Good luck.

[Alura 2,774]

I had no intention of ever again having a serious relationship when I met the late Mrs. Alura in 1980 when I was 41 and she was 25. Her mother was appalled by our age difference. She took every opportunity to explain to her daughter what a no-good, motorcycle riding, sometimes-hippie, older man she had chosen.

 

Twenty years and two high-achieving sons later, my mother-in-law apologized, saying she could have never hoped for a son-in-law who would have been so kind and supportive to her and loving to her daughter. Two days later she died.

 

Prejudices and disappointments need to be laid aside early, lest we miss a lot of rewarding experiences in life.

 

"Wir sind zu bald alt und zu späte schmart." Nicht wahr?

 

Alura

[celtic239 297]

Maybe you should come to some sort of agreement with your daughter that she go to one club and you go to another, assuming there are a few different clubs in the area.

[Playingnow 39]

We have always been supportive and non-judgmental of her. We raised her and other than this situation, have been vary proud of the things she has accomplished.

 

We have never made any suggestions, comments or anything to the contrary about her relationships with older men. WE DIDN'T know about her desire for older men.

 

We knew she was seeing a man maybe 10 years older than her and we have met him. Told her then, as long as she was happy is all that matters.

 

We only saw her at the one party and even then, she was with all ages, so we never put her with just older guys.

 

As for clubs, we only go to private parties and never been in a club.

 

 

As of right now? We know she is very capable of making the right decision for herself. We have never and never will interfere with her decisions and love her regardless.

[Lightsplease 15]

not really sure what the big deal is.

 

you two swing. and she likes to go to the clubs too.

 

we are all someones daughter and most people from the outside looking in would never agree.I would definitely steer clear when you see her at parties. not a great thought, but its a downside to living the life I suppose

 

but good for her I say

[Playingnow 39]

not really sure what the big deal is.

 

you two swing. and she likes to go to the clubs too.

 

we are all someones daughter and most people from the outside looking in would never agree.I would definitely steer clear when you see her at parties. not a great thought, but its a downside to living the life I suppose

 

but good for her I say

 

You have to read my post from last summer. We were at a private party and ran into each other. We didn't think too much about it but she had fits about it. Caused lots of problems between us.

 

Not us whom was upset about her or what she does. She won't discuss the issue SHE is having with us knowing.

[JustAskJulie 2,595]

I'd definitely say that a sit-down with her is in order. Talk it out, let her know that you know about her current relationship and that you are ok with it and love her no matter what choices she makes. She's an adult (as are you) and you can all make your own choices. That said, I'd agree with others that it might be best to work this out to make an agreement to visit clubs on different nights (or different clubs).