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Secret signals?

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My husband & I are going to a swingers club for the 1st time this weekend. It's an on premise club. :D We have already discussed our expectations, how we feel about this, etc. But we can't seem to come up with a signal to let the other one know if we do or do not want something to happen. Any suggestions?:confused:

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Working out a signal is definitely a good idea, but an even better idea is just being up-front with people that you're new and nervous.

 

If a couple comes on strong and tries to get you to do something that you don't want to do, then either one of you at any point can say something like, "This is our first time to a club like this and we aren't ready for that yet", and nobody will be offended. If they get offended by that, then they are jerks and you don't want them anyway.

 

If you get into something with somebody, then just let them know that you are new and that you're not sure how far you want to go. If they are like most couples then they will go out of their way to help you to communicate among yourselves and they will give you both plenty of opportunities to hit the brakes if you need to. Nobody wants to force newbies into something that's going to create drama.

 

Having an 'abort' signal is definitely a good idea, but trying to be slick and communicate everything with secret signals means that you're not communicating with the people that you're interacting with. That could be considered rude and could lead to a lot of confusion that could be eliminated if you are just up-front with people about how you're feeling and what you're thinking. If you act friendly but then just suddenly pull back for no apparent reason then you could start to get a reputation for being strange and flaky and erratic, but if you just say "whoa" out loud then people will want to help you and will understand.

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Originally posted by TeamSoBe

Having an 'abort' signal is definitely a good idea, but trying to be slick and communicate everything with secret signals means that you're not communicating with the people that you're interacting with.

I had never thought of this from this angle before. What great advice. When we are doing our best to be cordial and use a signal to let each other know, how honest are with being with the people we are talking/playing with?

 

You have given me a lot to think about.

 

 

Lori

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Heh, apparently I really need to stop acting like I know what I'm talking about, I think that I'm starting to come off like some kind of expert. This falls into the realm of problems that less experienced people can have, which we are unfortunately experts in. We are truly the masters of dumb newbie mistakes, especially communication problems. My wife and I have had a few spectacular fiascos in swinging, and we have traced them mostly back to miscommunication.

 

When you're single and you're flirting with one person it's complicated enough to communicate your desires and needs and expectations, but when you do it with four people the potential for some miscommunication snowballing into drama is much bigger. Anything that you can do to get signals from couple to couple is a good thing. If you aren't open and clear about how you're feeling then the other couple will be paying attention for subtle signals, which are often misinterpreted.

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Originally posted by TeamSoBe

Heh, apparently I really need to stop acting like I know what I'm talking about, I think that I'm starting to come off like some kind of expert.

I don't think anyone can ever become an expert in anything. Everyone is the voice of their own lives and exerience, that is where the learning aspect falls into play. When they share it with others it gives them an opportunity to grow. When people stop sharing their experiences, the minds of the world stop growing.

 

 

Lori

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Hi!

 

I was just wondering what other couples use for signals or general suggestions for signals that my husband and I could use to communicate our desire or lack of for another couple without outright excusing ourselves for huddle time?

 

Thanks in advance,

 

J&M:confused:

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"I need to call the kids to make sure that they are alright....."

 

That means something is not clicking, and let's wrap it up.

 

Of course it could also just mean that I need to call the kids to make sure that they haven't killed each other.... :D

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That's a good one but yes I can understand that you may have to make sure they really are okay...lol.. I have four children so that would be a good one to use then....

 

My husband just laughed and said that we could do baseball signals to each other but I told him that if I am squatting and doing lewd finger things between my legs then he can assume I am already quite compatiable and ready for the other couple....

 

:rofl:

 

J(the lady) and M (da man)

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This seems to be one of those questions that people don't want to answer... possibly because they are scared they may at some point have to use it on someone they may meet from this board and then their secret is out.

 

So, lets go another way with this.

 

When things aren't going right, do you let your partner know by stating a secret word/phrase? Or is it some sort of physical gesture/secret sign.

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Guest Seymore

this is something im really curious about as well...any "secret sign" i could think of would be really obvious to another person...

 

i know that if my wife and i were to get into a swinging situtaion we would DEFINETELY need something like this. my wife is really the type who might keep quite in order to not offend anyone if she wasnt enjoying something. If she felt she was unable to communicate how she felt to me it would only make a bad situation worse. we have no kids, so the "check on the kids" excuse wouldnt work...

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Yes, I figured after I posted the question that perhaps that would be a deterrent for people to post an answer and I like the way you rephrased the question, Julie.

 

Thanks.

 

J (the lady of the couple known as J&M)

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For the longest time, we couldn't decide on secret signals or phrases that wouldn't be too obvious or contrived. We've decided that the easiest way to go is to stay near each other when swapping... and if one of us realizes that they're just not clicking with their playmate, just say "I'd love to watch you make love to / fuck your wife / husband / etc. Let's switch..." and turn it into a soft swap.

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We usually give a squeeze. Whether it be while he is holding my hand or a hand on the knee, usually one squeeze is a yes and two squeezes is a no. It's a little more suttle. If that isn't possible then he will escort me to the restroom for a quiet "what do you think?"

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We both carry pagers with us, and if one of us isn't connecting with a couple at the club, one of us will look at our pager and say "Oh crap! The office is paging me!"

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Ours is relatively simple and effective. When meeting with a couple for the first time for dinner/lunch whatever and it is apparent that there is ZERO attraction for either of us, we do one of two things:

 

1. Start lovingly stroking the others back, which means "I have no interest". And we will start the process of ending the dinner/meet, etc.

 

2. Ask the other to scratch a sudden itch on our back, that means "Get me out of here NOW!". (We have had to use that one once, it never went past the first round of beverages.)

 

Whoever starts the gesture, it is the opposite who begins the closing of the meeting. That gives the one who does not to continue the clue that the other has picked up on the signal and then they follow up with helping to close the meeting.

 

Important to note though, we do not play on the first meet and that is understood up front by all.

 

Lori

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Originally posted by JustAskJulie

...

When things aren't going right, do you let your partner know by stating a secret word/phrase? Or is it some sort of physical gesture/secret sign.

Given what happened with our first encounter, we think that having some kind of sign is very, very important. We're working on it, but haven't decided what it will be yet. Lori, I like your way of doing it; it's very subtle, and not likely to offend anyone.

 

I asked J what her signal would be if she did want to proceed. She just looked at me and said, "You'll know..."

 

I can't wait. :lol:

 

-B

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We don't use secret signals to deal with this. We keep it simple & direct.

 

If either of us feels like its not a match we simply let the other couple know that we don't feel a connection. Even if one of us wants to "fuck their brains out" LOL! It doesn't matter. One NO is all it takes to cancel the deal!

 

If the feeling is mutually neutral we just don't flirt or make any advances torwards the other couple and the conversation stays tame and social and we discuss any future action together in private later that evening before leaving for the night to go home about exchanging contact info or setting up another meeting with them.

 

If either of us feels highly interested and wants to take things further at that instance, then we simply excuss ourselves for a moment and have a brief discussion in private. If we both agree then we'll come back and start both showing our interest in the other couples parnters and actively flirting and such otherwise we just continue as we were and ask them if they would like to exchange contact info.

 

Most people aren't put off by our need for a moment of private discussion. This all assumes that this is a first-contact or similar situation.

 

In other situations/non-first-contacts, sometimes all it takes is a quick eye contact and a nod with a smile if we are already at or into the firting stage to "check-in" about if it OK to take it further.

 

If for some reason one of us seems to be getting out ahead of where the other feels comfortable we just briefly interrupt each other and/or wisper a quick comment to each other and shift gears.

 

People seem to understand and respect this.

 

Paul & Kalin

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I have developed a set of "secret signals" to let my boyfriend know what I'm thinking about a couple. I felt this was necessary because we haven't been together that long that he can read my mind.....I would think after many years of marriage it probably wouldn't be necessary. Also, he moves way faster than I do and this is a good way for me to slow him down. I have a signal that means "no way", another one that means "I'm undecided" and a third one that means "yes, let's go for it". I have to admit we've talked about it at length but haven't had a chance to put it into practice just yet. I'll let the board know how it goes.

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Well, we have known each other since 1980, and been married almost 20 years. One would think that we could "read each other's minds." And to a large degree we can- because we've encountered mundane situations for the last 20 years and know how each other will react.

 

Much to my chagrin, I dsicovered that the swinging world was very different for us. We discovered that we were working off of totally different pages.

 

We are much better than at first- but bottom line- open VERBAL communication is very neccessary.

 

So signals are still important to us...

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Originally posted by OhioCouple

Start lovingly stroking the others back, which means "I have no interest". And we will start the process of ending the dinner/meet, etc.

 

except my hubby is in absolute heaven if you start stroking or scratching your nails across his back... his eyes roll back and he gets that dreamy look...looses all interest in conversation...

 

but in all seriousness - some people use code words or there is a certain look that quickly indicates interest or disinterest to their spouse or a quick whispered word - I'm sure they knew what were were confiring about but I view it as better to find out now than after the fact.

 

Naughty A.

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If we don't want to have sex with another couple one or both of us will squat, put our thumbs in our armpits, flap our arms and scream like a chicken. This usually brings the evening to a rapid halt.

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:rofl: :rofl: :rofl:

 

Yeah, that would have me dialing either the ambulance or the police if you were the other couple in our home!!! TEE HEE.

 

J (the lady of the couple known as J & M)

:lol:

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Originally posted by fun_pairTX

If we don't want to have sex with another couple one or both of us will squat, put our thumbs in our armpits, flap our arms and scream like a chicken. This usually brings the evening to a rapid halt.

Oh, sure, that'll work great until you meet that one couple who really digs 'chicken sex' :rofl:

 

-B

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Originally posted by fun_pairTX

If we don't want to have sex with another couple one or both of us will squat, put our thumbs in our armpits, flap our arms and scream like a chicken. This usually brings the evening to a rapid halt.

Making those gassy noises should make it a wrap! ROFLMAO!!! Do you REALLY do this?.....LMAO!

 

Lori

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Too funny!!!

Unfortunately, if the other couple has a good sense of humor they're likely to take that as a come-hither!:lol:

In fact, my wife says she thinks she's heard good things about you folks. Want to get together??:fun:

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Originally posted by Roxysbayou

We usually give a squeeze. Whether it be while he is holding my hand or a hand on the knee, usually one squeeze is a yes and two squeezes is a no. It's a little more suttle. If that isn't possible then he will escort me to the restroom for a quiet "what do you think?"

This is a great idea, one that I will definently use - subtle yet obvious to my wife or I. I have been trying to come up with something good for a while now - THANKS

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No doubt about it.. If you have a mate that is in a faster mode than you are, signals are a great way to slow them down. I seem to need more time to decide if I truely like the people involved first.. men don't seem to need anything more than a little encouragement! haha... My hubby and I use the back rub and scratch an itch combo also.. seems to work well for us!

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Originally posted by Rhythm_Blues

... men don't seem to need anything more than a little encouragement! haha...

 

Not always, my wife is 5 times faster than me- and I'm only exaggerating a little :)

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Originally posted by Nymph an' Satyr

Not always, my wife is 5 times faster than me- and I'm only exaggerating a little :)

 

Sort of the same thing here. While I may start out more interested to interact/flirt. My wife almost always is the one to have sex first. Both in terms of number of meetings and during a get together. And no just because she (or I) full swaps with one of the partners doesn't automatically mean that we both do. Each plays at our own pace. She just seems to enjoy a good fuck more than the foreplay. Once she's wet she jumps in/on full force. LOL

 

Paul & Kalin

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My husband and I use the ole, gotta check on 1 of the children, stating that they were not feeling well when we left, both knowing that they are perfectly fine. If he is not interested he simply states I think you need to call and see how "child" is doing or if it is I who is not interested I will state I need to call and see how they are feeling. We then close the conversation politely and tell them we will talk it over. On the way home we will discuss it and either call if we have thier # or E-mail saying the ole we don't think we are compatible.

 

And we like others do nothing on a 1st date .

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H and I have talked about various signals to one another for things like "no way", "I'm comfortable", "I'm not comfortable", "yes", and a few others..

 

However, we have yet to use them because we have only met one other couple in person, and it was so obvious after meeting them in person that we were not a good match for one another. Now that we are starting to get a few interesting inquiries about meeting, I am somewhat concerned that our signals may not be as clear as I would like for them to be. What have you all had success with?? And also, what kinds of things to you communicate with one another when meeting other couples? Is there anything we have left out that we might need a signal for?

 

Thanks for your ideas!

J and H

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THE universally acceptable signal for "NO FREAKIN WAY EVER". This sentiment is commonly expressed by an individual imitating being jerked by a hangman's noose with the right arm and hand, while simultaneously sticking their left index finger down their throat and setting any pubic hair they may have on fire. Once you add this you should have it all covered. I would caution you against using it too often.

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Originally posted by NWARcouple

Hi everyone-

 

I have been wondering what non-verbal signals other couples use during meetings with potential partners...

Rubbing the earlobe between thumb and forefinger

"I think she's going to have someone's eye out with those earrings."

 

Single finger drawn horizontally across front of throat

"No deep throating."

 

Rubbing the small of the back with one hand

"He/She is going to snap me in half."

 

Rubbing both temples simultaneously with index and middle fingers

"I'm sending a telepathic message to their babysitter to call them home."

 

Hand covering both eyes

"I don't want to see this pair naked with the lights on"

 

;)

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Hi NWARcouple :)

 

I've tried the non verbal signals.....one particular was to rub my earlobe, but if he's not looking at me - it's rather ineffective :bj:

 

SO... we discovered 'code words'. Long time swinger couples told us that they have a phrase or a comment they make, that sounds harmless enough, but they both know what it means.... 'no way!'

 

Like: 'Honey...let's go outside for a cigarrette'.

 

Hope this helps :D

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:rofl: Brit_Pair

 

If the couple are close & could hear us...one of us says "hmm hope the kids are ok..we should call" then explain to the couple thats its a new sitter. We excuse ourselves to call & if there is NO way in hell we are playing with them..well wouldnt ya know we have to go cuz there are problems.

 

We also have signs that if one of us is talking or getting friendly with someone say across the room from us and we arent comfortable with it, I will play with my hair(twist it around my finger). Hubby blows me a kiss. And we stop whatever we were doing until we get a chance to talk.

 

I use to think we were the only ones who did stuff like that. Now we find it amusing to watch others to see if we can figure out thier signs. :lol:

 

naughtygirl27

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Originally posted by Brit_Pair

Hand covering both eyes

"I don't want to see this pair naked with the lights on"

 

;)

:rofl: OMG these were sooo funny!!!!

 

I use to think we were the only ones who did stuff like that. Now we find it amusing to watch others to see if we can figure out thier signs.

 

naughtygirl27

 

LOL I can see me doing this as well :) I like the checking on kids...we have 3 and the excuse would give us time to talk and see what the other is thinking. Of course it would probably be totally obvious...but at least it's not as rude as turning to each other and saying "YAY OR NAY?" lol

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My wife has the unfortunate disposition of being incapable of putting on a convincing act when it comes to showing real interest. All I have to do is look at her. If she's initiating conversation, we're good to go. If not, I buy drinks, cover for her, make fun of her shyness out of respect for the other peoples feelings, and try to get out of the situation with no emotional damage inflicted.

 

Me? If I don't like the situation, I'll have a story to get out of it preplanned, and I'll use it at an oppurtune time, and she'll know by the way I'm totally lying about why we have to leave that I'm not cool with it.

 

No hurt feelings is the main goal if it ends up being a no go.

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For us, we have the ability to just give each other the "LOOK":eek: that lets each other know what direction to take, move forward or remember I left the iron on:lol:

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When I was in the Army, three buddies and I used to hang out with a few "lesbian" strippers. Of course, they were only lesbians in the club because two of them introduced me to the swing scene in the Pacific Northwest (Damn, I miss Vancouver, BC).

 

Anyway, for various reasons, we had to protect ourselves and our reputation and careers, so we created a question to ask women before we got busy. "Do you prefer beef or pork ribs?" One of us would then say, "Seriously, I don't think things are going to work out" or "Something doesn't feel right and we have to go." Only happened twice, fortunately. One was with a porn star doing the club circuit who's bodyguards just didn't look right. The other was with a woman who was just too eager to visit us in the barracks.

 

Then, there was the time my friends set us up with actual lesbians. But THAT is another story:)

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My wife and are new to this.... we have been moving very slowly...

 

Everyone talks about the "Signals" what we would like to know is what kind of signals does everyone use, ie: 1) some sort of guide lines a) verbal b) body langauge

 

We met with a single guy at a restraunt after several e-mails seemed like a nice guy we were just going to meet him, period. But, as things progressed we went to his apparment where he started kissing M (the wife) and they went to the bedroom while I watched from the door... I wasn't asked to join and really felt weird just being a voeyer (sp) ..... after we left my wife said she felt weird having done that and I said me too .... the thing is we BOTH thought the other would say somthing if it was getting "weird" or didn't want to go on ....

 

We love this 'feeling' we get from the lifestyle and plan on going to some clubs and would love to know what we should use for signals... please?!

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In that case I would say you should have just talked before leaving with him and discussed it. And rather than waiting for the other person to say something if it's getting weird for THEM... say something when it's getting weird for YOU.

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With us we do alot of eye contact. and have always dicussed what will or wont happen before we meet anyone...we figure there is always time for another date in the future if we want to play if we decide NO playing on that date. Before you meet anyone discuss all the rules and what you want or dont want to happen. play out different things.....like if this happens then what. cover all the posibilities before hand so no one is left feeling wierd or uncomfy. And if something comes up that wasnt expected then say something if you arent comfy with it. Nothing is worth making you or your SO feel weird or uncomfy. If the other person or couple is decent they will understand if you need a few minutes to discuss stuff alone. I would chalk it up as a learning experiance and move forward. best of luck to you!!!!

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ESPECIALLY when you are new, don't try to read each others mind. Set up signals before hand, if things get uncomfortable don't just stand or sit there, VERBALIZE. This cannot be overstated. You need to sit down together and talk before you try anything else in the lifestyle or it is gonna bite you on the ass.

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My hubby likes to joke and say that if he looks over at me and sees me with my hand in the shape of a hand gun, he knows he is in trouble, and if he looks at me and i am acting like i am holding a shot gun he is in the dog house, and if i start to load the gun then he has to start planning his funeral.

 

Of course he jokes aobut this (because he really knows that if i get to the first gun he better stop whatever he is doing:nono: :rofl: )

 

But seriously with us we have been married and together long enough to know each other's looks so we know when things needs to stop. But you are not always keeping eye contact the whole time............. so we both know to speak up if something is making us uncomfortable. We have bothhad to in the past step up and say something instead of just sitting there feeling weird.

 

But one point i would like to express is that no matter what the reason or the signal that you give your SO or they give you.......... ALL activity should stop....... and the one having to stop should not be angry with the stopper. There should be no blame there and everything needs to be talked about as soon as possible.

 

Ok off my soapbox now.

 

Hope this helps.

 

Robin

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Although I do love to watch her with another man, we usually start out as a 2-on-1. Then we will alternate and take turns, eventually doing whatever feels good. I would hope it isn't necessary to be invited to play with your own wife (unless that's your kink). But that is something you need to discuss among all three beforehand.

J

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There is a lot of good advice here for you. We would like to add a few thing that we know some of our friends use.

In an uncomfortable situation or when you need to talk privately you could use Honey did you remember to feed the dog before we left? Or if you dont smoke; I need a cigarette. you can use anything that will get your partners attention.:cool:

Sam and Kay

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Just wanted to thank everybody for the great advice. We attended a party last night, and it went really well, just communicated alot both before going and during the party and this was a much better experience. We will keep working on the exact "signal" to use - any more ideas on signals you use with your partner would be great.

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My ex and I were in the lifestyle for many years, and we had come up with a really simple tool that worked so well for us, my present husband and I use it also.

 

Come up with a double digit number to use as "your multipurpose tool" - any number that you believe won' t be one that could come up for any other reason.

 

For instance, 12 would be bad as it could come up for a variety of responses to questions such as "what time does the sitter expect us home tonight?" or "honey, what size dress do you wear?" You get the problem with that.

 

Both my husbands and I have always used the number "34" - it works for us. No month has that many days, we are older than that, my chest size is larger than that, and it doesn't come up often as the price of anything.

 

You use the number thusly:

 

Say you're at work, your SO calls with the weekend plans on his mind - or he's picking a fight with you - whatever. And standing at very close range to you is your boss. Awkward, huh? So you say "34" as if in response to a question being asked. Your SO now knows very quickly that you are not able to discuss the topic at this time, and you haven't had to drop your voice to try to convey that to him.

 

Say you're at a club - or a party - the two of you have struck up a conversation with what seems to be a friendly outgoing and attractive couple - possibilities are in everyone's mind - there's been a trip to the dance floor when all danced with the opposite couple, opposite sex - - and during this time, the gentleman has behaved like anything but a gentleman - groping you between your legs - talking in gutter terms what he's planning to do to you - or maybe he just plain smells bad - or has had too much to drink.

 

Your SO is, however having a grand time with the jerk's partner - and seems to be mesmerized, hanging on her every word as if she is a Rhodes Scholar. He also seems to have totally forgotten you exist.

 

Do you go hide in the ladies room for a LOOONG period of time, hoping your prolonged absence will speak volumes to him?

 

Heck no - don't waste the time with a ploy that may or may not work anyway. Instead say - suddenly - and with delight - and a bit loudly, to insure the SO's attention - "WOW - honey - I finally remembered it - the answer was 34! Boy, glad I remembered - that was driving us crazy!" As if this is in response to an earlier conversation between the two of you.

 

But the message is implicit - "We need to TALK - really SOON - all is NOT well". And it gets both of you aware there's an issue in a very quick fashion - and both of you working toward breaking away - be it for a shared dance with one another - or a quick heads together in the corner - "think of anything to get us out of here now" type of message.

 

Real simple - real clear - and works in so many different kinds of situations. ;)

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Wonderful advice wrnakedru :)

 

We have a phrase... It was developed for me when I went to gay circuit clubs with my friends..... something innocuous enough that it wouldn't raise eyebrows or be taken as offensive to anyone, but told my friends I wasn't comfortable at the moment:

 

"I want french fries'. If I added 'with gravy' that meant it was 'get me out of here NOW'.

 

Mr used it once.. (I haven't had to yet..) We were at a club, with other couples we'd met before. I was bopping and dancing and flitting around and Mr came up to me and said....

 

'I want popcorn!'. :rofl:

 

I got what he meant after a second and we left. It seems one couple were inviting the entire club back to our house afterward... unbeknownst to us.

 

We ran. Literally.

 

Signals and code words are necessary :)

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OMG I love the french fries/popcorn signal!!! We have both been doing Atkins for a year so this would be LOUD and CLEAR...care if we borrow????

 

 

We have used a few signals, but none quite as quick or discrete as this one...we had a gentleman visit us at our house (last time we will EVER host a first time meeting in our home)and I suddenly got the "no way" vibe and started to 'get sick'...I'm pretty good at faking sick, but this guy wasn't taking no for an answer...even started to offer to give me a massage to 'make me feel better'

 

I finally jumped up and acted like I was throwing up and dh came in to 'comfort' me....weirdo finally left after dh told him he had to leave

 

I need french fries is perfect!!!!

 

 

b

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