What do we do to fix this? Performance Anxiety

[livinitup77 15]

We are new to this. Have had an awesome time flirting, laughing, foreplay, but when it comes to the main event dh can't get it up. Is this normal? I've asked if he's really ok with the whole swinging thing and he's really loving it. Loves watching me. First time we thought it was because he drank too much, so the next time he didn't drink.

 

Yes we are still newbs. We really want to both screw, but jeez, this is making it hard. Any tips? He was very attracted to both women. And remembering back. this happened to us the first time we ever tried to hook up. What do we call it? Stage fright?

 

We thought of getting Viagra before we go out but then if we don't play he might be in pain or hard as a rock for me all night. We're a young couple and he never has this issue at home. He chases me around with a hard cock constantly. HELP!!

[DE_BBC 15]

are you talking about a same room type situation?

It could be just as you said..."stage fright".

A lot of guys experience this when having sex in front of others for the first time....hell, a lot of guys can't perform in front of others, this is why you see the same guys over and over in porn films. I had a similar issue the first time I was with a woman in front of her husband...it didn't help that it was being recorded for her web-site...but I got over it, and now I can perform in front of anyone..anytime.

 

I would suggest trying to help him get it up without pharmacutical help first.

[exploringRM 305]

I'm a bit older (almost 50) and I've had issues at times getting it up maybe 3 times out of 20 so far. Sometimes it due to being too tired...as in doing too much around saturday afternoon (yard work, cycling, etc) and then trying to play at 1AM..just tuff. Too much to drink, though I stop at about two drinks now. Distracted as in people watching, or too much going on around us (as in a previous poster suggesting separate rooms)...or just plain nervous.

[slevin 1,374]

A few things that have helped me:

 

- Don't have sex or masturbate for a few days before your swinging encounter...no matter how horny or excited you both might be.

- Get him some Viagra or Cialis etc.

- Drink lots of water over those few days, eat lots of protein, get lots of sleep

 

I'm a youngish guy too, but after a swinging encounter where I had a bit of trouble getting hard I went to see my doctor and just told her that I was having some issues at home and after some medical questions and checks to make sure I wasn't having any heart problems I walked away with a Cialis prescription. I don't generally use it, but it's there if I need it which is really all I wanted it for. So he shouldn't feel uncomfortable about bringing it up. Hell, on some weekends when we're both home with no obligations I've popped one anyway just for fun lol.

[tiger4play 36]

Yes...this is normal. Actually for M and F swingers..... it is really hard to concentrate sometimes with so much going on around you both while trying to play. Hubbie and I were at a club recently and during 6 or 7 hours of on-and-off play we each had trouble for one reason or another reaching an orgasm. People talking loudly while being voyeurs, got too hot in the room, and not feeling comfortable with the other players.

I agree with DE BBC.... don't go to drugs just yet. Give it a few more tries and abstain a couple of days prior to playing and see if it doesn't improve naturally. Once you get comfortable and are excited, it should help a lot.

Also, try and experience activities you enjoy when you are home at the party i.e. videos, watching others play, flirt or experience foreplay more intensely prior to wanting to have sex. In other words, make yourself as horny as possible then give it a try.... might work! I know it would with me!

[Trace Ekies 186]

This sounds like a classic case of him putting too much pressure on himself. I've been there and done that on a couple of occasions and it took some clear thinking to understand that my partner or partners were there for fun too and the pressure being applied was of my own doing.

 

Tell him to remember that this is fun...performance is not the point...fun is the point and that he should do what's fun...his partner or partners will appreciate it as much or more than he will.

 

If he'll take the time to search this board he'll find that women love small and large penises, guys that can hammer away for hours and guys who use lots of foreplay and finish with a short, but effective, screw and all things in between. In short, there's something for everybody.

 

Once I got through my worries I found a couple of things. 1. Foreplay is King (this is especially nice for a me as I'm a quick cummer who only gets one). 2. Foreplay can be very effective when spread over the whole experience...not just the beginning as the word foreplay suggests. I have not found one woman who would suggest otherwise.

 

Once he's come to this realization he'll be so busy licking, fingering, rubbing, getting her in a position so SHE can watch, sucking, fingering, licking and playing with titties that he'll be a freak, standing at attention ready to go to battle.

 

And this is what Mrs. Ekies and I call fun.

 

Trace

[midnightplayer 135]

I totally agree with Slevin and his recommendations. The only thing I would add is to get 10mg Cialis, and cut them in half. Most guys only need 5mg to make things really work. Take on half tablet the night before play and let it beging to work and then take the other half an hour before meeting the couple or the party. That should suppliment the first half and you should have no trouble performing at your peak leve. Good Luck

[swinger5 31]

My husband has had the very same problem. I wouldn't waste your time with the viagra, levitra or the cialis. My husband has tried all this crap and still had trouble at some point in time. Its all mental and you have to get past it. I don't think it is worth the risk of these medications, unless you really have a true problem.

[sexylady1970 69]

Yep, its a mental thing, I have to agree with that. The medications sometimes are more of a placebo effect than anything. Drinking and swinging are like drinking and driving...sooner or later disaster will happen. Will perfomance issues are the least of yor worries, it does happen.

 

I have found one little trick that seems to help more than anything. When going on a potential play date, I do what the mrs does. Go commando with loose fitting pants, For whatever reason it allows the blood to circulate more and there is less of a problem. I have nearly alway equated a performance problem to either too much alcohol or wearing something a bit too snug. Just in case I also will pop a little helper discreetly so I have all bases covered.

[dumbasarock10 49]

Just like everyone else says: Yes it's normal, and no it's not medical. Stage fright. Pure and simple. It happened on my first and second encounter swinging. It, for me, was just a situation I wasn't yet familiar or comfortable with. She can help too, giving a little attention and foreplay. On one such occasion, I was armed and ready. But as soon as I was ready to deploy my soldier into the bush, all motivation was lost. She just played with me, all of me. And once again, the Trooper was at attention and ready to engage. Drinking had little or no effect on it one way or the other. Here's to more successful engagements.

[SW_PA_Couple 4,024]

I'm a bit older (almost 50) and I've had issues at times getting it up maybe 3 times out of 20 so far. Sometimes it due to being too tired...as in doing too much around saturday afternoon (yard work, cycling, etc) and then trying to play at 1AM..just tuff. Too much to drink, though I stop at about two drinks now. Distracted as in people watching, or too much going on around us (as in a previous poster suggesting separate rooms)...or just plain nervous.

I saw a few wrong answers here so I felt I had to weigh in. What exploringRM says is correct. Get rest. Drink very little or even no alcohol. Stay relaxed. You'll do fine.

 

~Michael

[HappyCpl 89]

Mr. H here..

 

 

My problem has been that I have 100 things running thru my brain at the breakfast table!! Add a couple of naked bodies, a few drinks, late night/early morning hours, and it's surprising I don't have steam shooting out my ears at playtime... I don't have problems playing with Mrs. H, but the 'pressure to perform' can be overwhelming at times.

 

 

 

I think I need to see a doctor soon, though. I was given a Viagra last weekend(don't worry, it wasn't slipped to me, unless you count " here swallow this" from Mrs. H..)... Oh my God!! Why didn't I try one of those sooner??!!?? I felt like Godzilla, swinging my tail around trying to knock down Tokyo with the "other" Mr. H!! We were chatting with another couple after I took it, and suddenly I experienced a head-rush like when taking an anti-histamine with ephedrine, but a bit different. After a few minutes I tugged on Mrs. H's sleeve insistently, saying " we need to go upstairs NOW!!" What an experience for the both of us..... WOW!!

[Ed & Bunny 160]

My husband has had the very same problem. I wouldn't waste your time with the viagra, levitra or the cialis. My husband has tried all this crap and still had trouble at some point in time. Its all mental and you have to get past it. I don't think it is worth the risk of these medications, unless you really have a true problem.

 

True, Viagra and all the others work well but preformance anxiety can still hit. One couple we played with the husband was taking levitra. We knew this and had high hopes the wife would recieve a great prefomance from him. Not. Even with the meds he couldnt get it up and keep it up. So the meds are not a guarentee. Now in my case without them I cant get hard to save my life, so I know they can work very well. But unless the hubby is having problems at home as well as when swapping dont waste your money on a very expensive perscription.

[JustAskJulie 2,595]

I saw a few wrong answers here so I felt I had to weigh in. What exploringRM says is correct. Get rest. Drink very little or even no alcohol. Stay relaxed. You'll do fine.

 

~Michael

 

Wrong answers? When it comes to performance anxiety are there really wrong answers or suggestions as to what to try to get around it? The reasons for it vary per person, I can't see where any answer or suggestion can be declared absolutely right or wrong. I think assuming that alcohol is the only cause is a bit jumping.

 

We've dealt with this issue around here, alcohol has very little to do with it, for us/him it's more an issue of distractions (both mental and those physically in front of him - other people in the room, distracted by what's going on with me etc). The OP is going to have to do some trial and error to figure out what is causing the problem for them. Limiting alcohol is maybe a good place to start but don't assume it will automatically fix the problem, and don't get too upset if it doesn't.

[alphaplaycpl 110]

First of all - stop stressing about it! Every couple goes through this at some point. You are certainly not alone.

 

I would suggest you make sure its not something medical before you drive yourselves wacko by over-thinking the situation. If all checks out well - relax. Its probably as simple as many of the other posters have mentioned (tired, overwhelming, stage fright, etc.)

 

Talk about your swinging fantasies together, plan ahead, rest up, and take care of yourselves and you will be just fine.

[SW_PA_Couple 4,024]

Wrong answers? When it comes to performance anxiety are there really wrong answers or suggestions as to what to try to get around it? The reasons for it vary per person, I can't see where any answer or suggestion can be declared absolutely right or wrong. I think assuming that alcohol is the only cause is a bit jumping.

 

We've dealt with this issue around here, alcohol has very little to do with it, for us/him it's more an issue of distractions (both mental and those physically in front of him - other people in the room, distracted by what's going on with me etc). The OP is going to have to do some trial and error to figure out what is causing the problem for them. Limiting alcohol is maybe a good place to start but don't assume it will automatically fix the problem, and don't get too upset if it doesn't.

Well, to be more specific about the wrong answers, here are the parts I perceive as not quite right: The medications sometimes are more of a placebo effect than anything. ; . . .don't go to drugs just yet. . . Drinking had little or no effect on it one way or the other. Agreed, trial and error is the strategy the OP should take. But I can personally attest that Viagra works and alcohol represses. Nurse Sue Johansen agrees with me on the alcohol thing.

 

I do not contend that alcohol would be a solitary factor. None of us should try to take a complex problem and offer a simple answer. Alcohol certainly does affect my performance. I arrive home, have a Manhattan, one of us becomes amorous, probability is about fifty percent that I will make it as far as fifty percent thought "the act." No Manhattan, probability rises to at least ninety percent.

 

To offer a revised evaluation, the evidence of the original message tells me that some kind of performance anxiety is the major cause. Thus my earlier advice, stay relaxed, though I will admit that this was a too simple answer. Getting a boost from a drug or removing a road block like alcohol might not reduce anxiety but will help in other ways. I think that if livinitup77's husband makes it over the hill just once in a group situation, he will achieve what he wants nearly every time.

 

~Michael

[JustAskJulie 2,595]

Thanks for clearing that up Micheal, I was really confused as to what you were saying were "wrong answers".

[Mr.Essex 264]

Slow and steady wins the race. If you aren't raring to go as soon as the clothes are doffed, use the time for foreplay. If nothing else, you'll make a far better impression than most men. Or, as a good friend of mine says...

 

"The object of any sexual encounter is to ensure a repeat performance. Act wisely."

[Ed & Bunny 160]

 

I think that if livinitup77's husband makes it over the hill just once in a group situation, he will achieve what he wants nearly every time.

 

~Michael

 

Confidence does go a long way. Earlier in life I had issues with just plain old vanilla sex. I was the didnt fit in loner type in School and never developed any confidence with sex. All it took was and older girlfriend with great patience and my problems were over. After we parted ways I was like a kid with a new toy playing with any and all I could without any problems.

[MrsPandMe 150]

Hehe.. Well, looks like this has pretty well been covered, but I'll weigh in since this has been an issue for me from time to time. My problem is I get too "task oriented". I'll think so much about how I GOTTA get hard so we can fuck that I fixate on my dick. This pretty much guarentees performance problems. I've even had a failure to launch while on Cialis, so clearly THAT's not the problem.

 

Anyway, I'm going to assume that in the privacy of your own home or with your wife you're hard enough to cut diamonds, so if that's true you KNOW your stuff works. Keep that in mind when it comes to play time. You have ZERO problem setting up the equipment there, so what's the difference here? Another exercise I've found helps is if Richard isn't cooperating forget about him for a little bit. Shrug, snicker, say something coy and go to plan 'B'! Once you get involved with a little oral or watching you might find that your ignoring the problem will get 'ole Willy jealous of being left out and he'll join the party! As Dimone would say, "no matter what happens, your toes are still tappin'"!

 

Point is, don't overthink the problem. Concentrate solely on how it feels to touch yourself, or your partner touching you. You don't care if it gets hard or not, just that it feels good. Erections are almost completely autonomous, so there's very few people out there over the age of 25 who can simply stare at their dick and it gets hard (lucky bastards they are, eh?!).

 

Me

[Mr. Truelove 81]

I've had a couple instances of performance anxiety. I chalk it up to so many things going on at once. My mind goes a 100 miles an hour most the day anyway. So it gets even worse at playtime.

 

I tried Cialis. Wow! It has a noticeable effect for me in rebound, duration, ease of erection, and I think hardness. Talking to the doctor about it was a little nerve racking, because I am somewhat young and he questioned why I felt I needed it. So I explained the situations we get in and how nervous I get and he said okay to try it.

 

I'd like to think I'm going to use it just as a crutch until I am not so nervous but I don't know. It's a lot of fun.

[Guest CnD4evr]

Since we are still pretty new to the scene it helps to give yourself a boost that you won't have to worry about stage fright the entire night if you used any ED product. Works for me just fine and i feel there is nothing wrong with it for now. Just my 2 cents.

[Rackir 159]

Hey there. Count me in as well as one who has had a few cases of stage fright in the playtime scenario. As you surely know by now, it's not uncommon at all, and there are a wide number of contributing factors to it.

 

To name just a few, the physical; exhaustion, stress, age and diet are all contributing factors to vaso-constriction (a hard-ons worst enemy). Alcohol is also vaso-constrictor, though it may help combat the stress factor, the key there is use mildly.

 

 

And lets not forget about the good old sub-conscious (the hard-on's #2 enemy). Let's face it, most guys have been trying their entire lives to please a single woman, add a second one and the pressure is bound to mount, whatever logic tells you to the contrary (BTW, the logic is right, that subC is just fucking with you). Similarly guys have been using one another’s sexual prowess as tools for mocking, derision and insulting of one another from the age of 5 on up. Add another guy in the room, and it may seem that it's put up or shut up time. Again, that’s just that subC fucking with ya, logic will give you good advice, but still that stupid subC will try to have it's way.

 

And of course there’s just the newness of the situation. We humans are critters of operant conditioning. We get used to certain stimuli leading to certain results. Now you're trying to achieve those same results with new stimuli.

 

So yeah, it's not uncommon. Hell, it's almost surprising that any of us ever manage to function at all.

 

So some tricks to get past all these obstacles. First off, as everyone else has said already, ease up! Take the pressure off yourself and just enjoy the experience. If you don't perform on the first encounter it's not a big deal. Take your time and enjoy the whole thing as much as possible. On your second, third or fourth encounter the newness factor will have diminished somewhat and things will start happening more naturally. The big thing here is not to let the lack of performance on the first one add to the stress of the second one (the dreaded failure cascade). The best way to do that is by making sure that even if you don’t get hard, that you thoroughly enjoy the encounter anyways.

 

Viagra, cialis, etc. Whether through vasodilatation or placebo effect, if it works, go with it! BTW, thanks for relating your experience with it, I am dying to try that, and going about like Godzilla with a forward facing tail sounds like a great time to me!

 

Here's an idea to take some of the pressure off. Next time, try finding a partner you want to see your wife with, ideally make it someone who has been in the scene long enough to now what you are going through.

Rather than plan for the threesome, plan it to be that other person and your wife, and let them know that you want to watch them, and that you may or may not join in. That way there’s no pressure on you at all. You are free to sit back, enjoy the show, and maybe play with yourself a little (back to that operant conditioning, you probably know the feel of your own hand very well, and that will help add some familiarity to the situation). Odds are it wont be long at all before you find yourself involved and ready to go! And if you don't, that’s okay too, you had a great memorable experience that you and your wife can bring back to your bedroom with you, which on it's own will help combat the familiarity issue.

 

Hope that helps in some way, good luck and don't be too hard on yourself (pun intended). Give it a couple of go's, have fun, and everything will do what it's supposed to do.