How to answer with a polite "no" to mail in swinger sites?

[WonderWhat 166]

We think it's just good manners to answer all the private mail we receive at the swinger sites we're on.

 

Nevertheless, answering with a polite message that says "No, thanks", or even "Hell, no, thanks!" is always difficult without somehow insulting or just pissing people off. We want to be good neighbors, but not invite more email exchanges with people that we aren't attracted to.

 

Or maybe we feel that the couple that emails us might be fun in a non-sexual way if we bump into them at a club, but we wouldn't go out of our way to meet them.

 

How do you handle these situations?

[sweet_tna 680]

We typically respond with, "Thank you for your email. However, we do not feel that we would be a match."

 

If you bump into someone at the club you sent a "rejection" email to, chances are, they'll either remember and be friendly anyway or they'll avoid you.

 

=)

[LikeMinds321 1,527]

A "no thank you" rejection e-mail shouldn't be thought of as pissing people off. It will probably disappoint them, but swingers have to be ready for the disappointment of rejection. You can't feel guilty for being honest and polite with them about not being interested in meeting them.

 

I think you're being harder on yourself than need be.

 

Here are some other threads on the subject of saying "no thanks" to people who contact you:

 

How to tell a couple you're not interested?

 

Are explanations necessary?

[dodgechevy 149]

I love the pre made reply on SLS. Don't remember of the top of my head but something about not being compatible.

[SW_PA_Couple 4,023]

I love the pre made reply on Swing Lifestyle. Don't remember of the top of my head but something about not being compatible.

I hate the pull-down-menu replies at Swinglifestyle.

 

Thank You for writing. Right now I don't think we are compatible, good luck in your search.

 

1. It makes a person appear to be inept in the use of punctuation.

 

2. Not compatible right now? Really? When might we become compatible? Should I check again next week? Next Month? In a year?

[Guest ENCRYPTEDTX]

This wont make much sense, but I wish I got more "No thank you, we simply aren't a match emails".

 

As a single guy, I typically approach couples on SLS. Using what I have learned from here and other places and some experience over time, I construct a well thought, email for the couple. Typically a few minutes of my time to sort my thoughts, maybe add some humor and jump back and forth to read and re-read the profile many times. More than 10 seconds are invested is my point.

 

We are free to do, and like what ever we choose. I am not the match for everyone and a simple, "We do not feel we have the chemistry email" is always welcomed.

 

After the first two letters of this type, my shrink and I hashed out all the details of this over daily sessions for a few years.

 

Honestly, it doesn't hurt to get the rejection letters.

[LagniappeDC 313]

We used to have no problem sending "No Thanks" type responses and then a couple of things happened. We got our first "no thanks" email back to us. It kinda stung to be honest...though better than no response at all. We also made a couple of trips to Desire where our interest in playing with another couple really changed after we got a chance to know them and we're swayed much more by their personality than looks or by the fact that they didn't seem our "type" based on first impressions. After that we do try and frame our responses as nice as can be. Now there are couples where there is just simply no chance. But for a a majority of couples, we like to take a never say never approach. So we may frame responses along the lines of, 'no thanks' but that if we cross paths at one of our local clubs and wouldn't mind saying hi. We realize that this is a fine line and some couples may take that as an opening to keep pushing it. That is a red flag for us and we'll tend to shut things down a bit more clearly. It can be complicated...lol!

[jid2008 16]

I have such a hard time turning people down. I once told someone "No, thank you - I appreciate your response but do not feel we would be a good match" to which he responded that he was better looking than me and his wife was a lot hotter than mine - HAH. My wife is fucking hot, and his wife was a disgusting creature - i would admit it if she was hot - she certainly wasn't.

 

In one of the first emails they said they had to be discreet because of his job. In one of his pics, he's wearing a hat with the Volunteer Fire Department he worked for. I called him out on it and he swiftly shut the hell up.

[WonderWhat 166]

Thanks for the responses. We've generally answered in somewhat the same style as everybody here has recommended.

 

Our disquiet came from the fact that about half of the responses we've gotten to our rejection mails have been "well, fuck you and the horse you rode in on."

 

On the other hand, if you take into account that only about 1/3 get replies, that means that 2/3 of our rejection mails make the OPs simply drop the matter, 1/6 are sufficiently pleased with our good manners to reply with an "ok, we respect that and thanks for the nice response", and 1/6 are the FU replies.

 

So, with a nice statistical sampling, we can conclude that 17% of the people that are attracted to us but not reciprocated are verified a-holes. The rest are either nice people, or don't care enough to respond.

[ALilOEverything 901]

"Thank you for your email. However, we do not feel that we would be a match."

 

I borrowed this and tweaked it for my own auto response. I've used it several times already and no one has written back. If someone did write back with a negative tone it would only confirm that we are indeed, not a good match.

[Guest CnD4evr]

This has always been a sore spot for us. We sometimes send a canned 'no thanks' from SLS or sometimes we send a 'no thanks we are looking to keep local for now' which is nice but a few times we said that 'there wasn't chemistry between us'. After one of the 'no chemistry' responses we actually ran into that couple at a house party and we felt awkward. Even tough nothing bad was said and we all got along nicely.

[exploringRM 305]

Mostly on topic...

 

We started swinging about a year ago. Early on a local couple contacted us, but they were older than our age range, and there were a few other things in their profile that we felt made us incompatible. I politely replied thank you but we were not interested in people that much older than us. I figured that was a simple fact.

 

Yesterday I received an email asking if they were still too old (with a smile).

 

I guess I'll reply again, but perhaps with a little more that we feel we are not compatible.

[shy_couple 458]

We are SLS members and we use the auto reply "no thanks". we also built a custom one that says "We are flattered that you liked us enough to contact us. We feel that we are looking for different things right now. Good luck in your search." We have only had one person that replied and said but our profiles say the same thing. Mrs Shy just wasnt attracted to him and only a little to her. We didnt respond.

 

It hurts a little to be rejected when we get the generic response but we would rather get that than no answer at all. Thiat we we know for sure there is no interest and we make a note that there wwas contact and no interest so we dont try again.

[JandCMI 15]

"Thanks for writing but we're all set for right now. Best of luck!"

 

What this does is say we're not interested without saying anything about WHY we aren't. It doesn't necessarily have to be a compatibility issue; it could be because we already have enough play partners or something totally unrelated. We think this is a really good way to do it.

[LikeMinds321 1,527]

WonderWhat said:

 

We want to be good neighbors, but not invite more email exchanges with people that we aren't attracted to.

 

JandCMI said:

"Thanks for writing but we're all set for right now. Best of luck!"

 

What this does is say we're not interested without saying anything about WHY we aren't. It doesn't necessarily have to be a compatibility issue; it could be because we already have enough play partners or something totally unrelated. We think this is a really good way to do it.

JandCMI ~ I have a different view of the reply you recommend. You say the statement says you're not interested, but fact is, it doesn't. If I would get a reply with that line I'd think you are busy now, but later you might have time to meet, so I'd be left wondering if we should try again later, and we'd probably do so if we were really interested in you.

 

WonderWhat wants to know what to say to people they aren't attracted to and don't want to encourage further email from.

 

I'd prefer people tell us, thanks, but we aren't interested in meeting.

[NYFunCpl 15]

I have to respond here...

 

I reach out to many couples b/c I like to see face pics which many dont have public. I am very particular about the male being the female half. So- my question is... since i am the one who pursues the couple, and sort of leads them on (unintentionally) and they open face pics...which 9:10 times (my husband would say 9.9 times out of 10, LOL) I don't like, I am not sure how to respond.

 

Right now, a couple are really really hounding us w/ IM's and emails, and I feel the need to reply and feel badly. Not sure WHAT to say or How to handle this?? Any advice?

[SoFlaCp 85]

My wife and I run into this fairly frequently too. I am particular on the face, and also want to see smiles. Regardless of 'body' - for me the face has to be there, and same with my wife. If we ask and get face pics back that we are not interested in...we usually respond with a "Upon further reflection, we have decided not to pursue this inquiry. We wish you the best...."

 

Keep it simple and we NEVER provide details on why we aren't interested. If the exchange has been nice and friendly, and they took the time to read our profiles - we may add that we think they are a very nice couple but we are not interested. We always respond unless they are rude and we always try to keep it friendly - after all you may run into them and they could be a great couple - just not one we/you want to play with.

[nllswing 81]

My wife and I got our fist rejection like this. A couple contacted us on AFF because we had them on our "hot list" and after exchanging face pics they told us "no thanks." It hurt because it was the first time (and for now the only) we have contacted someone, and we really liked them. We thanked them for the reply.

 

For reasons other than the Lifestyle we are not doing anything until the midsummer of 2010. I hope we will get a good first experience one day not too far from now.

[belgiumcoast 55]

Mostly on topic...

 

We started swinging about a year ago. Early on a local couple contacted us, but they were older than our age range, and there were a few other things in their profile that we felt made us incompatible. I politely replied thank you but we were not interested in people that much older than us. I figured that was a simple fact.

 

Yesterday I received an email asking if they were still too old (with a smile).

 

I guess I'll reply again, but perhaps with a little more that we feel we are not compatible.

 

We once wrote a similar email, though not saying they where too old for us but 'we think age difference is too big'. (we're around 40, they were 65)

 

They replied with a long rant on that they're not old and if we would stop swinging at 60, blah blah... quite aggressive

 

I politely replied once more that the 'age' is not a problem but the 'age difference'. I told them we're looking for couples 10 years younger up to 10 years older (and we don't look at one or 2 years if there is a click), and that is clearly shown on our profile. And I also told them we probable won't stop swinging when we're 60 but our partners then will be between 50 and 70.

 

Never got a reply back...

[NYFunCpl 15]

Thanks for the responses! I like

"Upon further reflection, we have decided not to pursue this inquiry. We wish you the best...."

very much. We put new pics on our profile that everyone finds really sexy, so we are getting a lot of interest (very excited about that). But, since 99.9% of the face pics never seem to be attractive to me, I needed a good response. Thx!!