Extended overseas assignment

[Tadahiko 156]

My wife and I are struggling a little bit because my employer will soon be sending me to England for 6-9 months of training. I'm excited because 1) It's a prestigious, high-profile position, 2) I've never been overseas, and I will have opportunities to travel around Europe a bit. 3) If they are going to invest that sort of time in my training, it's a little less likely they're thinking of laying me off anytime soon. Besides, it's not optional. It's either go or quit my job. In this economy, that's not an option.

 

The down side is a very long stretch away from my wife, our lover, and of course my kids. We really don't have the money for the family to come visit, and Kari wouldn't take more than a week or so off from work anyway.

 

Which brings us to the point of my post. As I have stated before, we are NOT swingers. Though we've played--together--with a number of people that we have a larger, non-sexual relationship with, Kari and I have always had a firm rule that separate encounters are off-limits (except with Anna, obviously).

 

Wondering if we should (in order of our current preference):

A) Have sex as the opportunity presents itself, with the understanding that we have to provide full disclosure to the other(s).

B) Let Anna and Kari keep each other satisfied while I stick with phone/cyber sex and jerk off a lot waiting to come home.

C) Separate with the understanding that what we do during the interim is our own business, that we are free to share or not.

D) Treat this as an experiment in having separate encounters, which could continue or not continue once I am back home.

E) Make a pact that nobody ever brings up separate encounters, good or bad, and they end when we reunite.

 

We have read so many conflicting things about this. We actually both think the idea of recounting hot encounters to each other would be a turn-on. But if there is one thing we've learned from reading this board, it's that fantasies and reality are often very, very, different.

 

(Anna, BTW, said she's cool with whatever Kari and I decide. We don't have a "three way marriage" by a long shot. Despite our triad relationship, Kari truly is my wife, and Anna is not. So she's not so concerned about it. All she stipulated was no bareback riding!)

 

Any advice for us?

[two4youinswva 3,068]

Any advice for us?

 

Sit down and discuss it. There's no way I can tell you which answer is right for the two (or three) of you.

 

Whatever everyone is comfortable with is what the decision will be.

 

Congratulations on being chosen for this assignment, and good luck with your conversation!

[Tadahiko 156]

thats just it .... we have been discussing it, and discussing it! we're afraid that even though we think this could seems an awesome 'excuse' to try playing around separately within some controlled parameters, we have heard horror stories about people who regretted it

[VegasLee 1,486]

Keep it simple, why chance something negative happening.

 

As you state, you guys seem to be looking at it as an "excuse" so no excuses, just don't do it.

 

Everyone can live with 6 to 9 months time off. Let the ladies have their fun with each other and tell you about it on the phone.

 

If making the decision is this hard for the three of you then I would think NOT doing others would be the best solution.

[TheLorax 173]

I'm afraid I have to chime in on the "take some time off" advice. You will be dealing with a lot of stress with your first time traveling for extended periods. You all are not sure how you will react, and over the phone/net is NOT the way to try to deal with complex relationship issues. I can't stress that enough. If you folks had all come to some happy accord then my advice would be different, but you haven't, so now is not the time to experiment with your relationship. 6-9 months you can survive with limited to no sex. Experimenting around with your relationship is not worth it there, IMO.

 

But DO try to get a conjugal visit, you'd be surprised at how cheap it is to fly international if you get the right flight. I've seen them as low as $400-500 round trip. It will make your relationship stronger if you can show her around some of the sights and places you've discovered. I've traveled all over Europe. England is a *neat* place, so enjoy the time there.

[fun4Ds 1,098]

......... (B)

 

.........

 

Yep, (B)

 

 

 

 

 

 

Oh, one more thing.

 

Keyboard webcam, splash shield

[bbarnsworth 2,637]

Wondering if we should (in order of our current preference):

A) Have sex as the opportunity presents itself, with the understanding that we have to provide full disclosure to the other(s).

B) Let Anna and Kari keep each other satisfied while I stick with phone/cyber sex and jerk off a lot waiting to come home.

C) Separate with the understanding that what we do during the interim is our own business, that we are free to share or not.

D) Treat this as an experiment in having separate encounters, which could continue or not continue once I am back home.

E) Make a pact that nobody ever brings up separate encounters, good or bad, and they end when we reunite.

 

I'd immediately and permanently rule out © and (E). Keeping things from each other isn't a way to harmony, especially when you're going to be separated by several thousand miles. Bad, bad news. Do this, and you'll feel disconnection seeping in. This is NOT good.

 

We have read so many conflicting things about this. We actually both think the idea of recounting hot encounters to each other would be a turn-on. But if there is one thing we've learned from reading this board, it's that fantasies and reality are often very, very, different.

 

That is true. But, it doesn't mean that reality is bad. If the reality of swinging was bad for most everyone, this board wouldn't exist. Not trying to preach you into swinging, but it can be and is a wonderful thing for many (even most) couples.

 

Honestly, I don't think the trip has a lot to do with this. If you're ready to experiment with swinging in general, and solo playing in general, then experiment. If you're not ready for it, you're not. Using a trip as a foundation to trying that is a mistake. "We only tried it because we'd be separated for months". Not good. Not good.

 

If you don't know if you're ready for swinging/solo-play, trying it while separated isn't going to go well. If something goes wrong (and it probably will) trying to fix it over the phone will be exceptionally hard. Plus, it will have a very negative impact on your job performance.

 

I would try very hard to find a way to get your wife (and possibly Kari as well) to come over at some point for a while, perhaps half way through if only one trip. Something to break it up.

[mixtupcpl 169]

Keep it simple, why chance something negative happening.

 

As you state, you guys seem to be looking at it as an "excuse" so no excuses, just don't do it.

 

Everyone can live with 6 to 9 months time off. Let the ladies have their fun with each other and tell you about it on the phone.

 

If making the decision is this hard for the three of you then I would think NOT doing others would be the best solution.

 

Totally agree with this... Just focus on training and fly them out once or twice for the conjugal visit. I travel a lot for business and even though our marriage is open, I very very rarely do anything. Logistically its just tricky and also, there is always the chance that you would have to end up explaining something to co-workers. Sad thing is if "caught" you'd be safest pretending you're "cheating" which totally sucks.

 

Also agree that whatever option you consider, "kiss but no tell" shouldnt be one of them. No reason for you guys to do that.

[WonderWhat 166]

I suggest B), and complement your solo adventures with a few visits to stripper clubs. The ladies back home will probably appreciate your verbal trip reports while you have phone sex, and your wife will feel secure about it. (Caveat: most women do not feel threatened by visits to strip clubs; I'm assuming your wife falls in this category.) My wife and I had this kind of arrangement before we started swinging, and also afterwards while we lived in different countries and swinging was put on hold for the duration (almost 11 months).

 

A stressful, new situation such as yours is not the best way to experiment with new lifestyle rules. Just stick with what you already have defined, and think about exploring new solo activity boundaries when you come back.

 

And do be on the lookout for cheap plane tickets. Every once in a blue moon you see round trip fares to London as low as $300.

[turnuptheheat 98]

I go with Lee. Why introduce more drama into a potentially stressful situation.

I would also make sure to get your wife over there for a week or more.

Europe is wonderful and exciting, filled with history and beauty.

Have fun!

[Dave_kat 227]

Tadahiko,

 

I'm one of our outspoken military members in here, and as such, especially with the way things are going worldwise, as you can imagine, my wife and I have gone through this type of seperation quite often, for periods as long as 15 months.

 

You have to base your situation off of what is right between you and your wife. While Kat and I have an understanding about these things, and are comfortable with whatever happens (as long as the other is told about it), the truth is that is not for everyone.

 

Your rules don't allow you to play seperately, so why change things? Yeah it sucks, 6-9 months gone without something or someone there to spend time with, but that's part of being married.

 

Truth is, the odds are that you would end up hooking up with someone you work with or are going to the class with, and do you really want to go that direction? That's a recipe for disaster to begin with, as those things have a habit of getting around everywhere when they happen.

 

Phone calls, webcams, splash shields are all great ideas, and help you get through those times. Although I'd add some kind of personal lubricant to the mix as well.

[Alura 2,774]

My understanding is that the trip to England is likely to be a turning point in your life. Do well in the training and you're likely headed toward upper management. Do poorly, or get caught embarrassing the company, and you're apt to be sweeping the floors in the warehouse or looking for another job... which may be sweeping floors.

 

I'd suggest you concentrate on being first in your class at the training. That means hours alone in your hotel room studying material for the third time that you fully understood the second time you studied it.

 

If your company is like others I've known, someone will be paying attention to what you do outside the classroom. Don't party and don't drink to excess. While a weekend away at Stonehenge or on the continent would be fine, make sure you're back in the classroom bright eyed and mentally sharp on Monday morning.

 

Concentrate on the job at hand; remember the two lovely women you love, and that you're doing this for them as much as yourself.

 

Good luck... and congratulations for having earned this opportunity!

 

Mr. Alura

[mixtupcpl 169]

If your company is like others I've known, someone will be paying attention to what you do outside the classroom. Don't party and don't drink to excess. While a weekend away at Stonehenge or on the continent would be fine, make sure you're back in the classroom bright eyed and mentally sharp on Monday morning.

 

Huge +1 to this. I work for a very large US corporation (household name), and I know for a fact that we do this. There are endless corporate events too, with free alcohol and hotel rooms, but there are always folks watching.

 

Is it fair? Not really, but it's the way it works. It's a kind of sorting mechanism for corporations because in this day and age, with 24 hr access to everything, your social life can, unfortunately, directly impact your corporate life.

 

Same reason I encourage friends to be extremely cautious with their Facebook/MySpace/Twitter pages if there is a way to link them to your actual identity.

[Additude 457]

I think your complicating it.

 

For example, what do you think military families do when one of the spouses has to go to Iraq, Afganistan, or sail out to sea or go underwater in a sub for a 6 or 9 month deployment?

 

They get along....they make it work. It's been happening for decades if not centuries.

 

As one poster pointed out. Your best to stay on top of your game while within the eyes of your peers. Stay out of trouble or compromising situations.

 

You need to select option (B).

[Zedd 30]

Keep it simple, why chance something negative happening.

 

If making the decision is this hard for the three of you then I would think NOT doing others would be the best solution.

 

I have to agree with this.

 

I work away from home a lot, and by "away" I mean foreign countries, for extended periods. To get my jollies I read stories, hook-up for some fantasy in the chat room, look at pics and grab a handful knowing that I will be safe and at the same time, maintain my own personal integrity.

 

In our situation, we are both free to do what we want but guess what, we never take advantage and have never strayed to pastures seemingly greener.

 

As Vegas said, 6 months is a short spell and the abstention will add a new height to your relationship back home when you return. Oh yes, believe me, your mutual lover will also appreciate your considerate behaviour. She may not be your wife but she is also a partner and to be respected as such.

 

I hope this helps!

 

Z

[Tadahiko 156]

Thanks for your great -- and very consistent! -- replies. You've really helped us discuss this intelligently and we agree with your conclusions. We're going to keep to our current rules, they've served us well for many years.

 

Reading this reminded us of a couple we hadn't thought about in a long time. As I said, we do play with others, but not often, and never with total strangers. Years ago, before we bought our house, a female Naval officer lived in our apartment building for about 6 months. We never met her husband; he was also in the navy and deployed at sea the whole time. When she found out we were poly and were open to playing around some, she asked if she could join in a foursome.

 

We were very interested (she was HOT!) but concerned about her marriage relationship...we DON'T help people cheat! Anyway, her response was, "Oh, please! We knew from the start that monogamy was just never going to work for us. We're apart too much of the time; one of us is always at sea or off on assignment somewhere. Our marriage is more like tag-team parenting with a recurring, intermittent honeymoon."

 

We eventually did play with her a number of times (and yes, she was as hot in bed as she looked). We (I guess I should say "I") ended up with a really glorified, almost envious image of their marriage. However, we kept in touch after they were transferred and learned they divorced a couple years later. Not saying that sex was the cause, but I am guessing the open marriage thing didn't "work for them" either.

 

We've got something that really does "work for us." We've decided to keep it that way.

 

Thanks for the great food for thought.

[Mr.Essex 264]

There's an old saying, "A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush". Right now, you're the lucky owner of a "bird" in each hand, why risk losing both "birds" to chase after another one? Invest in some Jergen's and some "serviettes", and bide your time until your training is finished.

[Tadahiko 156]

Just to put to rest an old thread, I am back from Europe, and to answer the big question, NO!, I didn't cheat while I was over there.

 

Celibacy was not as hard as I thought it would be, mostly because I was kept very busy and spent my time around a bunch of geeky guys!

 

Being away from the girls was worse because my internet access was provided by my employer and I had to keep that squeaky clean. Thank god for long distance phone calls, a vivid imagination and a healthy right wrist. I did fantasize about a lot of the women I saw over there, but that's allowed, right?

 

The only time I was *REALLY* tempted/distracted was at Lindos beach in Rhodes, Greece. A Greek classmate of mine brought me home with him on a 4-day break about three weeks after I got there. Several of the women were topless, including my friend's wife. He said (out loud!) that I seemed to be staring at her chest a lot. (I was!) His wife laughed it off and said that I was American, and that should be expected from me. He later asked me which girl I liked best, and didn't I think his wife's body was especially nice? (While grabbing her breasts!) I could never tell if they were trying to flirt or open the door to a more frank discussion of sex, and I clearly knew better than to try to find out. But if he had come right out and said, "Would you like to fuck her when we get home?" I don't know what I would have done. I think my brain would have exploded.

 

Fortunately, it never happened...except in my mind a few dozen times afterward!

[LFM2 1,482]

My understanding is that the trip to England is likely to be a turning point in your life. Do well in the training and you're likely headed toward upper management. Do poorly, or get caught embarrassing the company, and you're apt to be sweeping the floors in the warehouse or looking for another job... which may be sweeping floors.

 

I'd suggest you concentrate on being first in your class at the training. That means hours alone in your hotel room studying material for the third time that you fully understood the second time you studied it.

 

If your company is like others I've known, someone will be paying attention to what you do outside the classroom. Don't party and don't drink to excess. While a weekend away at Stonehenge or on the continent would be fine, make sure you're back in the classroom bright eyed and mentally sharp on Monday morning.

 

Concentrate on the job at hand; remember the two lovely women you love, and that you're doing this for them as much as yourself.

 

Good luck... and congratulations for having earned this opportunity!

 

Mr. Alura

 

^^ Exactly what he said!!

[stoked hubby 16]

All very interesting to me as I might be faced with a very similar situation at the end of this year or early next year. My term could be 18 months however. My wife has summers off so she could come for 3 months at a time at least once. This is something we havent discussed much, but will have to if discussions at work become plans. Thanks for everyone's input on the thread so far and I might have more questions if things progress at work.