Did not go well when asked wife about swinging.

[2nites4u 15]

Hi all,

 

I need some advice.

 

My wife and I have been married for 25.5 years. We were married young at 21 and I have never been with any other women and I never sowed any wild oats.

 

I have been thinking of swinging for about 10 years but did not mention it because I did not want to hurt my marriage. I came to the point where I could no longer suppress my feelings. Here is where things currently stand.

 

I brought up swinging with my wife a few months ago for the second time. I brought it up once about two years ago and she called me a pervert. I brought it up again this year and it has basically come down to if I want to explore I will have to do it alone and divorced.

 

I love this woman very much and was hoping she would be more open minded after 25 years together but this has not been the case.

 

I don't know what to do. I do not want to cheat on her but I can't hold this back any longer.

 

Does anyone have experience in this situation?

[SoFlaCp 85]

If you want to stay married, I doubt you will be taking part in the lifestyle based on what you recounted. I'm sorry if that sounds direct, but for married couples...the decision to pursue is a shared decision where each has the right to veto. Sounds like if you respect your wife, you'll keep communication open but respect her wishes.

 

I've been married for 17 years, my wife is extremely open and we have a solid relationship. For the early part of our marriage we fantasized about many scenarios of sex, group sex, etc. Never thought or labeled it swinging - but neither did we ever take it beyond fantasy. It is only in the last 2 years that we have found the maturity, confidence in each other, confidence in the relationship, and just comfort in who we are to actually pursue this as reality.

 

It has been great, beyond good and we can't wait for the next adventure around the corner. But understand - this has basically been over a decade in the making with a wife who has been totally open to discussing and pursuing almost any aspect of sex. Heck, the same could be said of me - we both had the interest and have stepped into this together. Can't really imaging it any other way...Good luck.

[amid 91]

Do you watch adult movies together? Do you try different things together? Something that helped us way back in the beginning started with her getting comfortable looking at adult movies, especially group sex. Watch a few, comment on them.. perhaps suggest to your wife things like "doesn't that look fun", "wouldn't you like to feel someone doing that to you".. "I'd love to see you doing that to someone".. Ease into it. It might take time, but something that once seemed perverted starts to become the norm.. If she responds in a positive way, show her your enthusiasm in the bedroom. Take your time.

[bbarnsworth 2,653]

I don't buy into the idea of not being able to repress sexual desires outside of your marriage. You are your own master. Frankly, I am not surprised your wife isn't accepting of the concept of swinging. I'd be concerned too, if you are as easily swayed as you seem to be. I don't mean to be harsh...don't misinterpret me. I'm saying you're approaching this wrong.

 

Either you love and are with your wife 100% or you're not going to be a swinger and shouldn't place that pressure on your marriage.

[The Fuse 1,012]

Just one thing to add: if you are watching porn or surfing sex sites, and this is helping fuel your feelings of frustration and longing, my advice is to stop looking at them. Find something else to occupy your energy. Making yourself feel badly is not doing you or your marriage any favors.

 

Good luck to you.

[trn28 15]

My husband is the one who brought it up- and I said no- alot for various reasons but most importantly because I did not think he wanting to for us- but for him. It took me a good two years of talking, listening to podcasts, reading books, ect before I finally decided that it was a good idea. We were similar to your situation- both of us were very young when we met- he'd only had one GF before me and I was a virgin.......so the idea was extremely disturbing to me at the beginning- because I felt he was doing it for him...

 

When we finally decided to do something it was my choice, on my terms, and I was the one to set things up- and it worked out wonderfully. But I was not pressured and the whole time we talked about it my hubby had to constantly let me know that he was fine either way- and that it would not jepordize our marriage if I said no.

 

Here's my way of thinking- If I was in her boots- and she said you can but you'll be divorced- and you were STILL thinking about doing it anyways- that would send up a huge red flag telling me that my marriage is already in trouble- whick would send me further down the road from considering it that I was before.

 

So basically it seems to me that there are few options- cheat on your wife and end up with a hurt or broken marriage, or drop the whole thing, or be there for her in a non-demanding way until she's made up her mind-which is almost the same as option two.

 

It may not be what you want- but is sticking your penis somewhere else worth throwing away your wife?

[Tia Vampire 167]

When my fiance first brought up swinging to me, he broke my heart. I thought, how in the hell does he thinks he's going to bring another person in our beautiful relationship and think i'm going to be ok with it. I, the female half was totally against swinging. If you look at some of my earlier threads and post, you will see what i'm talking about. After a year of research and alot of questions for the more experienced swingers here on the board, I came to the conclusion that seperating sex from love making was going to be easy because before I met my fiance I was booty calling and I never fell in love with any of those guys. I just needed a weekend release. The first time we had our first sexual encounter with another couple, he became the jealous one. So make sure this is something you really want to do. We had to stop the life-style all together and get on the same page before starting up again. We have been in the life-style for about 3 years now and loving every bit of it because we move slowly and are still learning.

[truckerbuddy 127]

Hi all,

 

I brought up swinging with my wife a few months ago for the second time. I brought it up once about two years ago and she called me a pervert. I brought it up again this year and it has basically come down to if I want to explore I will have to do it alone and divorced.

 

 

 

AS i see it.. I think you have been given your answer. if you love your wife as mush as you say... you should know the answer already.. but you have to decide what you want.. No one can stop you. but think about it, what do you have to lose here?? ( just your wife of 25+ years) Is this what you want???

[LagniappeDC 313]

I think there is a lot of good advice here, but wanted to add that it seems you are looking to get into the lifestyle for yourself, and your sexual desires. Most of us get into because we want to enjoy the experience as a couple. That may be the case with you, but it doesn't come across as such in your post. If you want to give it another shot, don't approach your wife about swinging -- but rather talk to her about fantasies...yours and hers. After knowing my wife for 20 years we are still learning about each other. Maybe she'll think that she does want to "step out of herself" for a bit...but you also have to be prepared that this will not happen for you. Good luck.

[sweet_tna 680]

I brought it up again this year and it has basically come down to if I want to explore I will have to do it alone and divorced.

 

I don't know how exactly you went about bringing up the topic, but it sounds like you got your answer in no uncertain terms. You can either drop it and accept that your wife loves you and wants you all to herself or you can't.

 

Yes, there are plenty of stories out there of women who just needed to warm up to the idea, and/or shuck the constraints of a conservative upbringing. But there has to be a part of her that wants that to happen, or it never will.

 

Best of luck to you.

[Guest BamaRide]

I've been staying out of this thread but I'm failing to see what really bothered me with the orgional post. 25.5 years? Okay perhaps it is just me but the entire tone of the postiong leads me to believe that the poster is looking for a reason to break from his partner. 25.5 years? Who after 25 years with someone documents the partials. If the marrage comes down to that level of exacting terms and tit for tat type compairisons then there is likely massive communcitions issues going on.

 

The rest have said it all and I agree with them... you got your answer... but what I want to point out is that based on the message there is more under the surface that is much more troubling than your wife not wanting to swing.

 

BamaRide

[cplnuswing 4,713]

I can't really add to what others have said. Based on what you have described, you have two paths to go and they are pretty straightforward. You'll just have to decide which one is ultimately more important to you. Think about this though - one road could carry you through the remainder of a happy life, while the other one could dead end on you real quick.

 

Yes, there are plenty of stories out there of women who just needed to warm up to the idea, and/or shuck the constraints of a conservative upbringing. But there has to be a part of her that wants that to happen, or it never will.

 

Best of luck to you.

 

sweet_tna is right. When it comes to swinging, most people just don't have "it" for lack of a better term, and there is absolutely nothing wrong with that. No amount of smooth talking, convincing, trickery, ultimatums, etc. is going to overcome that if the kernel is not already there. After 25 years you should know whether it is there or not, and if you honestly ask yourself that question about your spouse and the answer is No, then drop it. Even if the honest answer is the kernel is there, then she still may never want to swing, and how far you push that before doing damage is a question only you can answer.

[LFM2 1,482]

Hi all,

 

I need some advise.

My wife and I have been married for 25.5 years. We were married young at 21 and I have never been with any other women and I never sowed any wild oats.

I have been thinking of swinging for about 10 years but did not mention it because I did not want to hurt my marriage. I came to the point where I could no longer suppress my feelings. Here is where things currently stand.

 

I brought up swinging with my wife a few months ago for the second time. I brought it up once about two years ago and she called me a pervert. I brought it up again this year and it has basically come down to if I want to explore I will have to do it alone and divorced.

 

I love this woman very much and was hoping she would be more open minded after 25 years together but this has not been the case.

 

I don't know what to do. I do not want to cheat on her but I can't hold this back any longer.

 

Does anyone have experiance in this situation?

 

First of all, I'm glad you've come out of lurkdom. I see you've been a member here for 3 years. Surely you've read quite a few threads that voice this exact same complaint, so surely you've probably read the exact same advice.

 

Since I really don't know you or your wife or even your life's experiences or what your life is like at home, I am reading a lot of "I's" in your post. It sounds like you want to make this all about you. As you've probably read, swinging needs to take on a lot of attributes before you can do this successfully. Communication, trust and respect being number ones (IMHO). This is a "we" thing... not an "I" thing. You both have to want this.

 

By wanting her to be open minded, do you want her to think the way you do? She might be open minded, but not about this. Our anniversary is in 2 weeks. We'll also be married for 25 years. Even though we agree on most things, of those things we don't agree on doesn't make us closed minded, just different minded. If you've brought it up, and she rejects the idea, she has reasons. Maybe it's the deep hurt she's feeling wanting to you to "share her" with others, or you wanting to have sex with others. There are way too many variables to go over to know what is really going through her head.

 

The way I see it, you really have two choices... Divorce her and do what you want to do, or stay married, repress these feelings and work on what you both might be able to do to spice up your marriage and make things work.

 

Good Luck!!

[Chicup 42]

I suppose what really confuses me is how you wouldn't know your wifes reaction ahead of time.

 

There seems to be a major lack of communication going on.

 

Before either of us decided to try swinging, we had enough talks about sex and our sexuality that I knew she was turned on by the idea even if she had reservations. Even if she chickened out (and I chickened out the first time, not her, long story) I knew it wouldn't have ended in her thinking I was some sort of pervert.

 

There are baby steps you can take to loosen someone up to the idea and find out if there is any room before asking the 'big' question.

[VegasLee 1,486]

Some people, Most people DO NOT want to be in this lifestyle.

 

Sometimes that answer is just plain NO and there is nothing more to presue or talk about.

 

It has nothing to do with being "more open-minded" really. She just does not want to do it. Pretty simple really.

 

You have two choices. Respect her for being honest and saying NO, drop it, stop surfing Swinging sites and porn and get on with your life or divorce her.

 

She gave you her answer and the choice. It is up to you now.

 

There are many great answers here but most of them boil down to the same thing so no use making this harder then it really is.

[2nites4u 15]

Hi all,

 

Thank you for everything that was said good and bad.

I would like to clarify some things. When I brought it up I did make it about both of us. I agonized about bringing it up for a long time.

 

My exact words were that I felt we were at a place in our relationship that I would like us to consider expanding our sexual horizons, possibly to include other couples or singles.

 

I did not want this to be just about me. I have researched and read enough about the lifestyle to know that is not the way to go.

 

I am, and always have been more vocal and forthcoming about my fantasies than she has. When I have asked her about her fantasies they have always been just about the two of us either in an exotic location or pretending to be other people and meet in a bar.

 

We have a helthy realationship and despite sleeping in seprate rooms (because I snore badly) the sex we have is still outstanging.

 

I could have kept my feelings to myself about the subject but that is not in keeping with open communication. If you can not talk to the person you have been with for 25.5 years, then who can you talk to. (I'm in accounting so yes I am anal about number specifics. Nothing to read into that, sorry to dissapoint you BamaRide)

 

I really felt she would say lets think about it, do some research and see.. That is not what I got...

 

As I said this was a few months ago and she has had some time to think about it. We'll see where things go.

 

Again, thank you all for listening and your perspective.

[wyandly 15]

Silly Question:

Have both of you worked on satisfying those fantatsies she does have?

 

I only ask this because, from what I've read on the mega MFM thread thats been going on, the lifestyle is about working together satisfying those fantasies you both think are imprortant. Maybe those fantasies she has are all thats shes ever going to have, or maybe they are the start of something else, I don't know. But I would leave the swinging topic alone until she asks "what else, whats next?"

[mixtupcpl 169]

Silly Question:

Have both of you worked on satisfying those fantatsies she does have?

 

I only ask this because, from what I've read on the mega MFM thread thats been going on, the lifestyle is about working together satisfying those fantasies you both think are imprortant. Maybe those fantasies she has are all thats shes ever going to have, or maybe they are the start of something else, I don't know. But I would leave the swinging topic alone until she asks "what else, whats next?"

 

This is a fantastic point. Im looking at your latest post (to the OP). I think you need to put yourself completely in her shoes on this. She actually *is* giving you something here.

 

Her fantasies are something that should be important to you. They are nice actually. You may be scaring her off. Long, LONG ago when Mrs. Mix and I were not just completely corrupted we did the 'pretend to be strangers' thing. Thats a lot of fun and you may find that fantasy is pretty powerful for you. It may also open her mind to other things (or it may not - MOST people stop there)

 

Exotic locations are liberating too... Do that! I mean there's no reason not to. I think its a stretch to expect her to come so far to your side and put serious consideration into something which scares her and is extreme, when her desires are simple and easy and you guys havent done anything about them. Make sense?