Do you tell your sexual partners about your open marriage?

[Oleg&Lena 43]

I have a question for couples who have or had open marriage.

 

Do you let your sexual partners know about your open relationships in marriage? And why do you do so?

 

How did your sexual partners take it?

[TheLorax 173]

Almost all of my relationships have been open. I am not really sure what you are asking though. Being polyamorous, in the past some of my sexual partners have become more emotionally involved and have become secondary or even primary partners. Right now I'm in a closed triad and while we may have other sex partners, they will not move emotionally into our relationship without a hell of a lot of discussion on our part first.

[Guest rdy46227]

This sounds almost oxymoronic (self contradictory, like elevated subway or jumbo shrimp).

 

Yes -- part of our definition of open marriage is that relevant people know our status. We believe a potential sexual partner should know our standing with our partner(s).

[JustAskJulie 2,595]

I assume you mean did I tell my sex partners that I was married and that my husband was ok with what I was doing? If that's the question then, yes ALWAYS. As for why... Why Not? Why lie about it?

 

I did find it to be my experience in a few cases that while they knew the truth they preferred to deny it. As in, once they actually met my husband and were forced to accept the truth... they didn't want to play anymore

[Oleg&Lena 43]

I assume you mean did I tell my sex partners that I was married and that my husband was ok with what I was doing?

Yes, Julie, you are right. It is exactly what I had in mind. I seem I have used not apt turn of phrase.

 

I did find it to be my experience in a few cases that while they knew the truth they preferred to deny it. As in, once they actually met my husband and were forced to accept the truth... they didn't want to play anymore

Hmm....What was the reason? Why did they not want to play any more?

[maniaco333 29]

I have always told my sexual partners that my wife knew and that she was ok with it, and met my wife before they become sexual partners and I had one that backed away once she met my wife, I asked her what happened and she said that she couldn't do this to her after she met her and saw what a great woman my wife is.

 

I could not believe what I was hearing, there are people out there that would rather cheat than to be with someone who has been OK'd by his wife to play, she went on to say that the whole open relationship was to weird.

 

Some people must enjoy hiding and lying better than honesty but that is only one bad experience, I have had several great experiences in this lifestyle and while most of my partners have been shocked when they are told the truth, later they admit that is a pretty cool thing and that they wished everyone thought like us

[Oleg&Lena 43]

I could not believe what I was hearing, there are people out there that would rather cheat than to be with someone who has been OK'd by his wife to play.....

This morning I and my wife were talking about the point: why people refuse to have sex with one half of couple, who have open relationships, if they are informed, that other couple's half is in the know.

 

And Lena, my wife, has expressed her opinion that they don't want have somebody "third" in the bed. That is when they know about open relationships in couple, they can suppose, that other half of couple will be informed about all details of meeting and other things.

 

It is quite possible, that the supposition of my wife is the main reason of their refusal???

[Elena 42]

Very good question! I like some of the responses I've heard but am surprised that some are amazed that some people back out after meeting the spouse... Remember, there are A LOT of single as well as married people who just like the thrill of cheating! also, in a singles case, they are not looking for emotional attachment, just the sex. Factoring in their (fake) morals, they freak about the "availability" of the partner they are playing with, and once they meet the spouse, the "fun of cheating" is gone as well as they now know if they continue they might "fall in love" and hence they wish to stop. Make sense to anyone? cause I think I confused myself... That's why Elena doesn't let me post without adult supervision!!!!!!!!

[mixtupcpl 169]

The answer for us is a definite yes on informing any potential longer-term play-partner. We did recently have an experience very similar to Julie's.

 

I go through periods of "tell all" and "not" (Mrs Mix is always "tell all"). Recently I switched back to "tell all" and asked Mrs. Mix what she has been up to. A guy I was pretty much sure of turned out to be a lover of hers (not a surprise - I knew he was her type). He knew we had an open marriage, but had never clarified if I knew or not. Now that he knows I am aware of their status, he cannot handle it and has gone dark. I find that a bit strange since we are all friends and he always knew she had permission and that there was at least a chance I knew, but thats how it goes sometimes. Human emotions are complex (especially when it comes to sexuality)

 

Elena's spouse may be onto something that some of these folks (even though they "knew") were sort of getting off on the idea that there is cheating involved. Meeting the spouse face to face and knowing that they do know would certainly deflate that fast.

 

Now if you don't inform the other person, then you are basically play acting a cheater. This can, of course, make you far more "successful" (likely because of this "thrill of cheating" so many people seem to have) but is something you will likely regret in the long run unless the connection is just a fleeting one night thing.

 

When it comes right down to it, the open relationship thing IS weird and threatening to a lot of people and most WOULD prefer cheating. I think that telling them is a good litmus test. I took the leap and recently informed a friend who I was sensing a lot of chemistry with about my status and she has actually now started to move faster. When she thought I was in a traditional marriage we were just platonic friends with a lot of sexual tension. Now that she knows, she isn't weirded out by it and I suspect we are moving towards a sexual relationship. This is a great outcome, but either way I knew I could trust her and I knew she wouldn't judge me even if it was something she couldn't personally handle being involved with. I think thats really important since "open marriage" is a very powerful secret to entrust someone with. While honesty is important, so is discretion; you have to be selective and can't just tell anyone whom you might have chemistry with right up front.

[Rackir 159]

I've known a couple of girls now who expressed interest in me while knowing I was married, and as soon as they found out that it was okay and I could play and that my wife would know all about it they back away in a hurry.

 

Could be that they were bluffing, considering me safe since I'm married. Or it could be that the idea of getting a married man to cheat with them was something they were comfortable with/excited by, but the notion of being an accessory to my regular sex life with my was not something they were comfortable with.

 

Regardless to the reasons though it has happened a few times. I still always tell though. Just part and parcel with the whole honesty thing. Plus I wouldn't want to fool around with anyone who wouldn't want to play with my wife's permission.

[Karmickiss 28]

Hi All,

 

Just passing through, and caught this thread, I'm glad I did. Wow...being single myself, I guess I can see why I am happy to be "in the lifestyle"... Right now is becoming this time in my life, where I am enjoying feeling chemistry again, and feeling playful spirits. If I happened to run into a scenario where I met someone of either gender, and things started to progress, and they had the decency to tell me they had a spouse, who gives their blessing, I would feel like I struck gold...

 

It's interesting to note it from the other side, about finding cheating attractive or more acceptable. It's not in my heart to be deceptive in such a possibly damaging way. I have been there...but only knew about it after the fact, and I felt really hurt by it, since the chemistry with him was so sincere in other ways. Even though I was ready to explore with him, I instantly got turned off to say the least. He knew how I felt about cheating...enough time has passed, we can be friendly but not too close.

 

I think I could understand only in one way...if some unexpected feelings came up when meeting someone, that I would recognize as signs of being vulnerable for emotional attachment(which is why I took my time and knew I was 'ready' and strong enough to stay above it, in a comfortable way), and then I found out, I'd steer clear of it, to be fair to all.

 

However, at this point, if I were to encounter it, would be over-joyed, b/c I would feel safer and more connected by the truth, and would feel free to express myself more vividly having a clearer sense of boundary that I feel is appropriate. I could be myself, and have a beautiful thing, without the possible troubles that expectations could possibly bring.

 

Of course, I'm talking best case scenario. I'm thankful for the thread, it was nice to look at these things...My Best to all, karmic

[thelion93 15]

Of course, we both have full knowledge of each other's lovers. In fact, it is always very erotic to share the intimate details of our respective encounters. This makes us even stronger as a couple.

[Brian and Jo 344]

We have been in an open marriage for many years and yes we are completely upfront with any sexual partners we meet alone. We always say that we are married and that our spouses are onside with what we are doing. On a few occasions a new partner has called the other spouse to confirm we were telling the truth!

[willyoats 324]

For a few years after my wife gave up swinging, I had a friend who would come to our house for play with me. My wife would go play bridge, go shopping, etc., then come home and the three of us would have lunch or go for a boat ride or interact in some other way. Is this the kind of thing that you were thinking about?

[Jake1178 18]

The girls I have been with were all my wife's friends, so yes they knew. However, with my wife, it's been both ways. I know what she's up to, but the guys usually don't. It seems her being "married but looking" has been a real desirable trait.

 

It seems men like the "thrill of the hunt" and scoring a married woman seems to be a real prize. Guys don't want to be second to any man. So when they are getting a married woman who they think is sneaking off to be with them, that puts them first and the idea she desires them so much makes them feel like a real stud. Even she likes to play into the game a little, by "sneaking off" and then telling me about it later. This is really hot actually.

 

Judge my morals if you want, but I don't care a damn thing about lies or the emotion state to a man who preys on married women. She wants to play her games and use them, oh well.

 

However, several times my wife has had partners that were either married and they were going behind their wives' backs. If it was a one night thing or something, it's one thing, but as far as participating in an affair, no. At least not any more. A long time ago, she was a booty call for a few married guys, but when she saw someone close to her devastated from an affair, she cut that off.

 

As far as the guys that she does let know, well, a few of them have become friends of mine. Funny thing, my wife introduced me to one of my best friends, instead of the traditional best friend introducing me to my wife. lol

[Chicup 41]

Old thread but I'll explain the obvious here.

 

People UNDERSTAND cheating. They hear about cheating about the time they get the idea of having a first boyfriend/gf. Its on every TV show, movie, etc out there. Its not alien, different, or scary. Even if they hate the idea they grasp it and its motives.

 

Being ALLOWED to cheat, which is what they will see an open marriage as, is just so utterly out of their viewpoint that it scares them. They will assume SOMETHING is wrong and like a brightly colored insect, leave it alone instinctively.

[MN Tom 251]

Old thread but I'll explain the obvious here.

 

People UNDERSTAND cheating. They hear about cheating about the time they get the idea of having a first boyfriend/gf. Its on every TV show, movie, etc out there. Its not alien, different, or scary. Even if they hate the idea they grasp it and its motives.

 

Being ALLOWED to cheat, which is what they will see an open marriage as, is just so utterly out of their viewpoint that it scares them. They will assume SOMETHING is wrong and like a brightly colored insect, leave it alone instinctively.

 

Yes.

 

The other thing is that it's very difficult to truly ascertain how open their relationship is. Everyone has a limit. Most open relationships we've encountered are open to sex but not open to love.

[Jake1178 18]

CHEATING is lying, going behind your partner's back. Being allowed to "cheat" can't exist. It's like legally breaking the law. All relationships have their boundaries, where certain things are only shared between each other. In an "open" relationship it's just like any other relationship except perhaps sex is not exclusive. There is a connection when there is sex, and it can lead to more, which makes it risky at times. There are pro's and con's.

[dr_pepper 25]

While one of my wives and I were looking for a third or couple to play with, we never had things work out. But, we both did have friends on the side that we played with and that was always done openly. Part of the fun was hearing about the others adventures.