Couples with trust/control issues?

[ConnieJim 40]

So you and yours meet this great couple.You hit it off well.Everything goes as planned and all have a good time.Now days later the other couple comes up with a rule list."She can only contact the other female.No texting,mail or calling to the other male"."He can only contact the other male,no contact with other female".

Now you have met,become friends,maybe even had sex as a foursome,but "don't chat with my partner without me present"?

Do Connie and I have way to much trust? I mean sure,it is one thing to meet with someone outside the foursome and hookup,but are we not adults here?Without total trust in your relationship should you be trying to drag others into the mix?

Unless you only want sex with strangers so to speak,are you not looking for friends with benefits?Trying to build relationships?Don't you chat with your friends?Have dinner?ect.?

I would really like some input from the board here.Maybe we have the wrong idea?

[WildFire 19]

We have a very beneficial friensdship with another couple. We are constantly in contact by phone, cell phone, chat, email, etc.. with each other on our own without any issues. He contacts her, She contacts me or him, I contact her or him, the boys might be talking on their own, etc... We don't have any rules that way and have had no issues.

We normally play as a foursome, but also on ocassion as a threesome when one of the boys can't make it. Everyone is fine that way.

[Rackir 159]

Personally if we wound up in a situation like that the only thing I would be worried about is the door smacking me in the ass as I bailed on that scene.

 

If I were concerned about my wife contacting the other male (which I wouldn’t be, but if I were), I'd simply ask HER not to do it. If I didn’t trust her to hold up that part of the agreement, there would be no way in hell I'd feel confident about our relationship in a swinging situation. Then if I felt the other male were pursuing my wife in a manner which I felt was inappropriate I would simply handle the matter as it came up. But I see no reason to lay down a set of "no contact" rules of that nature. That just screams drama in a big way to me, and indicates that this couple might lack some trust between themselves.

[bbarnsworth 2,653]

I think we need more details here, honestly.

 

This couple could be brand new to the lifestyle, and you're the first couple they've really connected with. As is typical with many first time swingers, they might be throwing a lot of rules at new situations until they get their feet wet and realize the water's really rather nice.

 

My wife and I wouldn't handle a swinging friendship with another couple this way. But, that's us. My wife talks with whomever she wants to talk with, and I do as well. We keep each other informed on anything significant.

[ConnieJim 40]

I think we need more details here, honestly.

 

This couple could be brand new to the lifestyle, and you're the first couple they've really connected with. As is typical with many first time swingers, they might be throwing a lot of rules at new situations until they get their feet wet and realize the water's really rather nice.

 

My wife and I wouldn't handle a swinging friendship with another couple this way. But, that's us. My wife talks with whomever she wants to talk with, and I do as well. We keep each other informed on anything significant.

 

You do have a valid point,and if they are new to all this,then yes it takes awhile to get comfortable with the whole thing.But the couple I am refering here has two plus years of experince(or so they state).

[bbarnsworth 2,653]

You do have a valid point,and if they are new to all this,then yes it takes awhile to get comfortable with the whole thing.But the couple I am refering here has two plus years of experince(or so they state).

 

You could ask the question point blank; "Are we the first couple you've really connected with for more than a one time swing?"

 

If they're two years into swinging, and they're still throwing a bunch of rules at this situation about who may contact who how when where why...I think I'd walk away. I just don't think my wife and I would be comfortable with that. I mean, I wouldn't want to call their home phone number only to have to ask the wife "Is your husband home and if so is it ok for us to talk right now or should I put my wife on the phone so we can set up another meet up?" Uhg.

 

If they're new to this, that is different. I'd suggest to them that over time their rules would probably relax in this regard. Talk with them about their fears, etc.

 

But an experienced couple? no.

[Guest BamaRide]

If I had to guess... (not much detail to go on) it sound like it went really well and the other couple exceeded some of thier safety boarders and it scared the hell out of them. They really enjoyed things so they don't want to run screaming for the hills but they are uneasy with just how 'easy' things were with you...

 

Best advice... give them time...talk talk talk

 

BamaRide

[ConnieJim 40]

If I had to guess... (not much detail to go on) it sound like it went really well and the other couple exceeded some of thier safety boarders and it scared the hell out of them. They really enjoyed things so they don't want to run screaming for the hills but they are uneasy with just how 'easy' things were with you...

 

Best advice... give them time...talk talk talk

 

BamaRide

 

Sorry for the lack of detail.You do raise a good point based on what info you were given.And we very much appreciate your time and input.Let me give you some more info to chew on.

All afternoon on the day after our meet,the female and I were texting back and forth.Just chit chat and BS like you do with friends.My wife was sitting by me for most of it,and put in her two cents worth from time to time.Everything was great,or so we thought.Next day I get a text that reads"my partner has no idea that we chatted all afternoon,and please don't tell him.I erased it all from my phone".Within the hour We get a mail message detailing the acceptable means of contact from (we assume) the male partner.Our first thought is we don't want to get mixed up with this sort of attitude,but maybe we are looking at it in the wrong light.Hence the posting to the community here to get some other opinions.

[Rackir 159]

Sorry for the lack of detail.You do raise a good point based on what info you were given.And we very much appreciate your time and input.Let me give you some more info to chew on.

All afternoon on the day after our meet,the female and I were texting back and forth.Just chit chat and BS like you do with friends.My wife was sitting by me for most of it,and put in her two cents worth from time to time.Everything was great,or so we thought.Next day I get a text that reads"my partner has no idea that we chatted all afternoon,and please don't tell him.I erased it all from my phone".Within the hour We get a mail message detailing the acceptable means of contact from (we assume) the male partner.Our first thought is we don't want to get mixed up with this sort of attitude,but maybe we are looking at it in the wrong light.Hence the posting to the community here to get some other opinions.

 

I would stay far far away. It sounds like the male half of that couple is pretty controling, and the female half is willing to do things she knows he doesnt approve of. I think theres some serious drama on that horizon.

[bbarnsworth 2,653]

I get a text that reads"my partner has no idea that we chatted all afternoon,and please don't tell him.I erased it all from my phone".

 

:redflag:

 

Flag on the play, bazillion yard penalty, loss of down, ball, and game.

 

"Game over man, game over. "

 

If she's willing to lie to her spouse, there's no way in hell I'd play with that couple again. They're a drama bomb ready to go off at a moment's notice. I don't lay all the blame on her mind, just that her behavior is symptomatic of larger problems.

 

End it now. Move on. Life's too short to play with liars and cheats.

[lizandtom 512]

Bbarns and Rack have spotted it perfectly; that's just drama waiting to unfold. That the woman is trying to keep secrets from her spouse is just lifestyle wrong. It's probably a first sign that they have some serious cheating issues just waiting in the wings, or am I reading into this too much? lol.

[Guest BamaRide]

Next day I get a text that reads"my partner has no idea that we chatted all afternoon,and please don't tell him.I erased it all from my phone".QUOTE]

 

Oooooooohkeeeeeeyyyyyy....

 

That is the end of that! Devil is in the details...and that is one heck of a detail to leave out!

 

Life is like a box of chocolates.... but... RUN FOREST RUN!!!!!!

 

BamaRide

[JustAskJulie 2,595]

Sounds like some serious trust issues between each other that they have. If they really trusted each other then they could allow each to talk/text with others and know that the other would share what was talked/texted about without worry. We have no issues with others calling/texting either of us and we share what goes on with the other when that does occur.

[good times 991]

On first reading the original post I was going to say that I could understand an experienced couple having these rules. The problem we have had is that every time we have had a play partner of the opposite sex contacting one us repeatedly after we played the first time, it has eventually led to drama later. The problem seems to be that these folks were looking for a boyfriend/girlfriend on the side rather than a friend with benefits. So now days we are pretty leery of it when this happens.

 

That being said, after reading your later posts about what actually happened, it sounds like this couple has issues to me. So I would most likely pass on any further contact with them.

[LagniappeDC 313]

We too think that there are some issues here that may end up becoming worse. For us, we aren't able to get out more than once or twice a month because we have young kids. Being able to text, email, call, is a way to keep that connection going with the other couple, keep the playful sexual vibe going, and even ask questions about their likes and dislikes. That really helps us keep up the momentum when we see each other again.

 

Due to my wife's job, she isn't able to be on the computer or her phone, so it's not unusual that I'm texting or emailing more...but I always keep her in the loop, reference the chats, etc. Not because there is a trust issue, but because I simply want to share.

 

It's hard to imagine a being with a couple who say they truly trust each other when they aren't actually able to communicate with others like adults...

[Swing*8701 887]

Susan here

 

1. If the wife lies about texting you, then asking you to lie (if only by omission) it's a bad sign. You cannot have three sexual partners lying to the fourth. In a trusting relationship she would simply tell her husband she had a text chat and would follow the new rules in the future.

 

2. If her husband is upset about text messages this time, it's probably because he's dealt with it before. They have huge trust issues.

 

3. The fact that he sent you the rules, means he knows she's lying. This means if you ever deny the text messages, he knows you're lying. It's a cascade effect.

 

There's no way to have a happy sexual relationship with this couple.

[ratimadan 75]

Sounds to us like this couple is nopt yet ready to swing! Too much insecurity.

[The Fuse 1,012]

I would be okay with this, just cautious toward the other couple. The only thing that concerns me is that the lady felt the need to conceal something from her husband/boyfriend.

 

Lots of people can do things like that and have no idea it is bothering their other half, especially if they are new at this. They figured out it bothers them, so they stop and make a new rule. It has potential for drama but if all else is good, I wouldn't run the other way.

 

I think particularly in the case where one partner thinks swinging is all about casual sex and then little to no contact until time comes to set up the next date, and the other partner thinks it's fun and titillating to have more constant contact, there is potential for a difference in comfort to come up after the fact. I would be flexible about letting people discover their boundaries, even if they change the rules on you, UNLESS they have done so after people get in really deep and things are said. It doesn't sound like that's the case here. Just that the husband discovered his wife is paying more attention to her play partner in between dates than he is comfortable with.

 

So unlike most of the other posters to this thread, unless I saw more reasons for concern, I'd be pretty relaxed about this. The one caveat I have is that I wouldn't lie to the husband if he asked about whether there had been outside contact.

[Guest BamaRide]

So unlike most of the other posters to this thread, unless I saw more reasons for concern, I'd be pretty relaxed about this. The one caveat I have is that I wouldn't lie to the husband if he asked about whether there had been outside contact.

 

In a way I kinda agree... my feeling is that each indivdual operates under their own code of ethic in the lifestyle. Mine and many others hold honesty as a central point of that code....

 

So.. yeah I think she is pulling stuff behind hubbies back.. walk away perhaps...but I would be up front and when asked to keep it from the hubbie what she's doing I would tell her point blank. Never ask me to lie for you. I will not lie for myself so I will no lie for anyone else.

 

If she ran screaming for the hills then you have your answer.

 

BamaRide

[JustAskJulie 2,595]

Reading this again, and reading your last post specifically. I'd avoid this couple like the plague. They obviously have trust and communication issues. She's lying to him (by omission) - red flag 1. She's asking you to lie to him - red flag 2. She's obviously doing things they've agreed not to do...

 

They've got issues, don't make them your own.