Weird question, no it's not cheating but...

[chiswing69 15]

Me and the wife have had our problems, resolved them, fully trust each other and Love each other very much. Just had to get that out of the way lol because I know trust issues should be resolved before anything and I want to make sure everyone knew we did, anyway:

 

We are somewhat new to actually participating in the whole scene, we have had a few threesome with another female and one experience with a couple. All of them were exciting and I had a bit of a performance issue with the couple one (first time for us have a little issue with my size sometimes lol) but anywho, yeah we're new...ish.

 

Recently my wife explained to me how it's exciting and maybe even adventurous to be able to have sex with other people (with all of our swinging rules mostly in place) but tell each other about after. That if I didn't know she feels a rush. I found this arousing for some odd reason but I can see it possibly making me feel a bit funny, maybe. She said I'm free to do the same but then she I guess rethought it and realized it's kind of strange and that we should consent each other before doing it. So basically swinging separately sometimes, and if feelings arise ties are cut.

 

I guess I didn't have a question about all that but rather has anyone else had that whole fantasy type situation arise? To be aroused by having sex without your SO knowing and then telling them and it would be a turn on to both of you? Of course she realized it could pose a big problem and I was comfortable with it but yeah, just wondering if that was just us.... lol

[SecretAsianMan 348]

If the consent is already in place from both partners to go out and enjoy yourself (to bring back stories for you and your partner to share with each other) ... that's (in my opinion) NOT considered cheating.

 

And I know a few couples who do practice this because of the added "zing" sharing these stories with their partners does for 'em.

[Additude 457]

We haven't had the fantasy of either one of us "NOT" knowing about it, then later confessing. However we have had the fantasy of us, mostly me (the male) sending my wife out on a fuck date and have her return home and telling me all the details about it. We have even discussed me hiding in a hotel room closet...and her bringing a guy back to the room and fucking him while I watched from the closet.

[The Fuse 1,012]

You should do what works for you.

 

With that said, if you are new, I would suggest you swing together for a while IF you have the least bit of anxiety about your wife going off alone. For safety reasons over anything else, you should at least know the guy beforehand. How about meeting couples at swing events, getting to know them and trust them a little, and then setting up separate dates?

[bbarnsworth 2,640]

I recently expressed in another thread here that the fantasy you describe is not uncommon. There are a number of people who get a serious thrill from having sex with someone else and having it feel like you're cheating on your spouse. That is fine if you are both in agreement on how that works for the two of you.

 

I do have to agree with The Fuse in that there's a safety issue here, especially with your wife. Going off with a strange man whom she's just met, behind a closed, locked door to have sex with him raises some serious safety issues. It would be very easy for her to lose control of this situation. I personally don't mind if my wife plays solo, but we're agreed that it needs to be with someone we trust, someone she's had sex with multiple times before. If it is someone she's played with dozens of times, I can see me feeling fine about her having sex with him without my foreknowledge (this hasn't happened with us), but on the first play date? Absolutely not.

 

I think (if memory serves) Dolly Parton has an open marriage where they DON'T tell each other about their adventures, but they have freedom to bed anyone they want.

 

You have to decide what works best for you. If you've had some issues in your marriage before, it could rip at the scar tissue of those problems. I recommend taking it slow, but only you know your relationship well enough to decide that.

[mixtupcpl 169]

We've done this at times. Not because there is a fantasy aspect to it, just that there have been times over the years when for whatever reason I chose to not know what was going on. That said, of course I always know where Mrs. Mix physically is going to be (generally), when she is going to be there, etc.

 

In terms of safety, I think you just have to use whatever rules you use when dating. It becomes like dating really. You are no more or less at risk than any single woman who is going out on a date (which may not be saying much actually, but you know)

 

Of course swinging together is far safer and much more structured, but there are folks (us for one) who have done "separate" a looong time and have never done "together" and are still alive

[CXXC 435]

After looking back and reading many posts, I think Mrs. CXXC and I did everything backwards. We started out playing solo and then decided to play as a couple with others. We still have our solo dates but play mostly as a couple now.

 

We know exactly with whom, where and when each other is when we play solo. The safety factors are minimized as much as possible. We do not go into this as if we are cheating. We look at this as a gift we give to one another (The freedome to play solo) without issue.

 

We talk aobut our solo "Dates" before and after and feel great excitement for one another each time. It is quite fun and a thrill.

 

Just do what makes you BOTH comfy! Be careful and remember to talk openly about any concerns EITHER of you have.

[couplers 4,645]

First, I must agree that the variety and extra sex is most enjoyable in the context of a loving marriage. In this way there is no question of security or where something is going to lead. Friends and relatives would be shocked if they knew of our lifestyle, mostly because our marriage and relationship is a model of love and stability. Second, playing solo for us is not so much about the cheating thrill (although I must admit that there is some of that fantasy for me both ways), but about the ability to have more sexual enjoyment without the scheduling hassles. Although I like to watch and participate when hubby is having sex with another woman, I much prefer he go ahead without me if I can't make it.

[ratimadan 75]

As a rule, we swing as a coupl. We swap mates with other couples, play and have intercourse with the other couple's wife/hubby, mate and/or s.o. in full view of each other. However, we do ocassionally, swing separately out of necessity, or on special occasions. For a couple, swinging separately is not as unusual as one might think. We engage in separate swinging mostly because there is a scheduling isssue with the other couple, or, our busy schedules involve traveling separately, mostly on business, or sometimes for personal reasons. This causes separation of the two of us, sometimes, for an extended period of time. Life being what it is, we have found that many couples who are professionals prefer that the husband and wife may swing separatly with another partner and have intercourse, when swinging together is not feasible, mostly due to separation caused by travel.

 

Recently, I (the wife) was talking to a group of young couples. These couples are all in their late 20s and early to mid 30s. Most all of them the do swing as a couple most of the time. They also have their own group of couples set up for play at home base. The swinging and sexual partner swap takes place mostly on weekends, whenever both husband and wife are in town together. For many of them, due to extensive travel, weeks could go by without the two being home together. One of the couples (S&T), we know quite well, the wife would travel east, and the hubby would travel west, weeks on end. Most of the couples, therefore, had allowed themselves (husband and wife) to swing separately whenever the couple could not be together. The time when both husband and wife were home, they played together as a couple. The swinging and sex swap took place with the group and at someone's home. When either the hubby or the wife happened not to be home, each could join the group, play and have intercourse with another partner, or, someone else's wife or hubby. However, this couple had also agreed to let each one swing separately and have sex, including intercourse, with another partner while both were tarveling and away from home. All the rules of swinging are in place, such as due diligence and safe sex. When both husband and wife met or talked on the phone they shared who each had played with and fucked. This arrangement assures that neither wife nor hubby are starved for sex and get frustrated. Of course, S&T are very much in love with each other, and, their marriage is very secure as we can vouch from watching and observing any time the two are together. But they have no problem if either one plays and has sexual intercourse with another partner.

 

The bottom line and the rule for the two of us is that each of us may swing separately when we are separated. Most of the time we make sure we travel or vacation together and find a couple we can swap mates with for play followed by sexual intercourse with the other's wife, hubby or s.o.

 

The one memorable occasion was when I (wife) was away on business and hubby had to stay home. It was also my birthday and hubby had promised to send a gift to my hotel room. I was met at the airport by the husband (Rob) of a couple we had played with some time ago when they were in our town. I had loved sex with Rob and wished I could fuck him again. As it turned out, Rob's wife was also away from home on business. Rob asked me out to dinner at a fancy restaurant. After dinner Rob excorted me to my room. There was bouquet of roses in the room and a message on the phone from huuby wishing me a happy birthday and that he wanted Rob to spend the night in bed with me, if I was agreeable, so the two of us could fuck. I was already very excited with the thought of having sex with Rob. I kissed Rob to thank him for the dinner and courtesies. I said, Rob I want you to fuck me. My hubby wants that we fuck each other. And so, on this cue, Rob kissed me, undressed me, pleasured me (ate my pussy) and then slipped his hard, big dick into my hot pussy. We fucked all night and it was just awesome sex. This was a birthday present I really enjoyed and will never forget. Next day I thanked hubby for letting me have great sex with Rob as my B'Day present.

 

So we do this (swing separately), occasionally not so much for the thrill but to please each other every way we can, on every occasion we can find. Likewise, I had hubby fixed with a college gf of me when he was away in another town. This gal had lost her life mate a while ago, and, hubby had said he would love to fuck this gal. She had a crush on hubby, and, initially we were thinking of a 3sum. However, me being not there I wanted hubby to have sex with her as he had desired. So, I had asked her if she would be OK meeting and playing with my hubby and see where it went, implying the two may have intercourse. I also told her I was perfectly OK if the two of them fucked and the proposal was with my full knowledge and consent. So, the two arranged to meet, have dinner, etc., then played each other, and, fucked to their heart' content. She was so thrilled on having great sex and wants more one-on-one with hubby or in a 3sum with me watching. Hubby enjoyed fucking her with my full knowleedge and I was so happy and excited for him.

 

Mrs R

[qreskupl7476 137]

As a general rule, we only play as a couple, but aren't totally against the idea of separate play. I for one get a major turn on from the idea of my wife playing alone, provided we both know the person she would be playing with and safety is paramount.

 

To date she's played alone one time. It was with another girl, not a guy, and I knew before, during, and after pretty much exactly what was going on. It was totally spontaneous, she was having a few drinks with a friend and it just "happened". We were communicating via text/picture messages, so I knew she was doing it, it was freaking HOT!!!!!!, and we couldn't keep our hands off of each other as soon as we were back together. Talk about a tease!

 

I wouldn't feel any different about it if her chosen partner was male. As long as I'm in the loop, it's a turn on for both of us, and that's what this is all about IMHO.

 

She's not totally comfortable with the idea of me playing alone, not yet anyway, and I'm totally cool with that as I rarely if ever have any desire to. I've told her from the beginning however, that she has the right to if she wants, and that provided total honesty is involved I have no problem with it. OK, actually, I kind of ENCOURAGE it! LOL

[lv2prty 17]

it's been said already but while reading this post i was already worried for the lady. there are too my nut cases in this world. if she just goes off without telling her hubby its too dangerous. my husband always knows where i am if i go alone. he is usually close enough to hear me scream if i get in trouble times though he is in the room and watchs and masterbates if he chooses.

[Adam-n-Eve 223]

it's been said already but while reading this post i was already worried for the lady. there are too my nut cases in this world. if she just goes off without telling her hubby its too dangerous. my husband always knows where i am if i go alone. he is usually close enough to hear me scream if i get in trouble times though he is in the room and watchs and masterbates if he chooses.

 

I don't get it. You didn't have anyone within screaming distance the first time you had sex with your husband, did you? Why is this so much more dangerous?

 

Women have sex with men they hardly know all the time, and it works out just fine 99.999% of the time. Just use your head, let someone know where you're going to be, and do what you'd do if you were dating.

 

Is there any evidence that women are at more risk for being hurt when meeting a man for sex than they are walking to their car? Taking domestic violence and prostitution out of the picture, of course. I mean that as a serious question. I don't know the answer, but if someone had stats, I'd love to hear them. I suspect if meeting men for sex was that dangerous, there would be PSA's warning us about it.

[mixtupcpl 169]

I don't get it. You didn't have anyone within screaming distance the first time you had sex with your husband, did you? Why is this so much more dangerous?

 

Women have sex with men they hardly know all the time, and it works out just fine 99.999% of the time. Just use your head, let someone know where you're going to be, and do what you'd do if you were dating.

 

Is there any evidence that women are at more risk for being hurt when meeting a man for sex than they are walking to their car? Taking domestic violence and prostitution out of the picture, of course. I mean that as a serious question. I don't know the answer, but if someone had stats, I'd love to hear them. I suspect if meeting men for sex was that dangerous, there would be PSA's warning us about it.

 

+rep

[Adam-n-Eve 223]

Thank you!

[snapps 78]

Speaking from personal experience... when a woman comes at you with this proposal... it usually means shes already doing it behind your back.... and now just seeking your approval..... good luck though.

[mixtupcpl 169]

Speaking from personal experience... when a woman comes at you with this proposal... it usually means shes already doing it behind your back.... and now just seeking your approval..... good luck though.

 

Well sure this can be the case, but I have to weigh in and say that I don't think women can be generalized like this... Plus, many of the relationships here have a kind of similar background and foundation... Where there is already a *lot* of water under the bridge and a huge amount of trust before these topics are brought up.

 

I dont know the OP, but from what he wrote, if it is fully accurate, I would bet that if there had been a history of fucking around behind one anothers back, it already came up and was resolved before this scenario was raised. I mean they already reached the point where they did FMF (lucky fucker... LOL) and a full swap. Why hide this?

[slevin 1,374]

Well sure this can be the case, but I have to weigh in and say that I don't think women can be generalized like this... Plus, many of the relationships here have a kind of similar background and foundation... Where there is already a *lot* of water under the bridge and a huge amount of trust before these topics are brought up.

 

I dont know the OP, but from what he wrote, if it is fully accurate, I would bet that if there had been a history of fucking around behind one anothers back, it already came up and was resolved before this scenario was raised. I mean they already reached the point where they did FMF (lucky fucker... LOL) and a full swap. Why hide this?

 

I am always shocked at the ability of people who have created open communication, agreed to open relationships, swinging etc. and yet still cheat for some reason. I've known more than a few couples who were free to fuck anyone they want as long as they tell each other who still snuck around the others back fucking someone. Or who would sneak around and fuck someone that they knew their partner didn't approve of etc.

 

Continues to amaze me.

[mixtupcpl 169]

I am always shocked at the ability of people who have created open communication, agreed to open relationships, swinging etc. and yet still cheat for some reason. I've known more than a few couples who were free to fuck anyone they want as long as they tell each other who still snuck around the others back fucking someone. Or who would sneak around and fuck someone that they knew their partner didn't approve of etc.

 

Continues to amaze me.

 

Yes, this is true. Especially the latter... Now that I've seen a lot (luckily hasnt happened in our case).

 

Maybe the OP will chime in...

[bbarnsworth 2,640]

Speaking from personal experience... when a woman comes at you with this proposal... it usually means shes already doing it behind your back.... and now just seeking your approval..... good luck though.

 

I'm sorry your anecdotal experiences with women have been so surprisingly negative.

 

Sweeping stereotypes, like including half the people on the planet, are invariably inaccurate. You can call that a stereotype of stereotypes if you like

[Coupleerotic22 1,419]

My first thought is safety.

 

Several have stated that it is no different from dating. But it is.

 

First, she is my wife, the most precious thing in the world to me. She is the mother of my children, they need her as much as I do.

 

Second, generally speaking when you date someone, you have met in public, probably with people that at least one, if not both, know and who are in the vicinity. Often swing encounters tend to be low key and away from your vanilla world. Often you have gone on multiple dates prior to sex. Sure I had one night stands, but I usually met them in places where we were both with other people we knew or maybe even known in that establishment. Most date encounters end up someones home rather than a hotel.

 

And frankly, even if were EXACTLY like dating, I have always warned my family members to take precautions, be safe, think. There are too many fruit cakes out there. Going off to meet someone no one else knows is EXTREMELY risky. I would always council against it.

 

As for my wife, I like the gentleman to know who I am and to understand I will come looking for him if he hurts my wife. I want him to see me so he will understand if I had to come looking for him it wouldn't be a pleasant encounter for him. This has never needed to be more than implied because if we feel it needs to be explicit, we are out of there to begin with. I don't know, I sort of feel like a guy might look at me not meeting him first and think I don't care about my wife's safety and think he can get away with it. If I meet him in person there is no doubt.

[Coupleerotic22 1,419]

Speaking from personal experience... when a woman comes at you with this proposal... it usually means shes already doing it behind your back.... and now just seeking your approval..... good luck though.

 

Wow, I am thrilled I know women of a different caliber than you seem to have met.

[mixtupcpl 169]

My first thought is safety.

 

Several have stated that it is no different from dating. But it is.

 

First, she is my wife, the most precious thing in the world to me. She is the mother of my children, they need her as much as I do.

 

Second, generally speaking when you date someone, you have met in public, probably with people that at least one, if not both, know and who are in the vicinity. Often swing encounters tend to be low key and away from your vanilla world. Often you have gone on multiple dates prior to sex. Sure I had one night stands, but I usually met them in places where we were both with other people we knew or maybe even known in that establishment. Most date encounters end up someones home rather than a hotel.

 

And frankly, even if were EXACTLY like dating, I have always warned my family members to take precautions, be safe, think. There are too many fruit cakes out there. Going off to meet someone no one else knows is EXTREMELY risky. I would always council against it.

 

As for my wife, I like the gentleman to know who I am and to understand I will come looking for him if he hurts my wife. I want him to see me so he will understand if I had to come looking for him it wouldn't be a pleasant encounter for him. This has never needed to be more than implied because if we feel it needs to be explicit, we are out of there to begin with. I don't know, I sort of feel like a guy might look at me not meeting him first and think I don't care about my wife's safety and think he can get away with it. If I meet him in person there is no doubt.

 

Your mileage will vary, but for us, every encounter my wife has had in the course of us having an open marriage actually was *exactly* dating. This situation is a bit different, I suppose.

 

But keep in mind that a true predator lures you in anyway. A true predator will lurk in the vanilla world, meet you in an open place, seem awesome, be the life of the party, then slip something in your drink, take you somewhere, and kill you.

 

I'm not trying to make you *more* paranoid, just saying that anytime we put ourselves in a spot where we are alone with strangers, we are rolling the dice.

 

Luckily, most people are not serial killers, psychopaths, or even thieves/rapists/etc. Most people are normal. Some may be jerks, or disappointing, etc, but they arent malevolent.

 

That said of course you need to do whatever makes you feel comfortable and take whatever precautions you feel you need to. Either you think these people are safe or you don't, thats up to you.

 

I just cant agree with the notion that there is any measurable difference in relative safety between "swinging" and "dating" (if anything, my gut is telling me that vanilla dating may be more dangerous)

[Adam-n-Eve 223]

As for my wife, I like the gentleman to know who I am and to understand I will come looking for him if he hurts my wife. I want him to see me so he will understand if I had to come looking for him it wouldn't be a pleasant encounter for him. This has never needed to be more than implied because if we feel it needs to be explicit, we are out of there to begin with.

 

Dude, you're working way too hard to try and convince us how much you love your wife and how dangerous you'd be if someone hurt her. Who, exactly are you trying to convince, us or yourself? Normal people don't need to tell others that their wife is their "precious" or that they'd hurt someone who tried to take their "precious" away. Why? Because it's normal to feel that way. It would only be remarkable if you didn't feel that way.

 

But you go ahead and give off some, "I'll hunt you down" vibe when you meet people. Let us know how that works out, OK? My guess is that you'll only be left with the weirdoes, but it'll be interesting to hear about it.

 

You also obviously have a lot of misconceptions about swinging. We've never met anyone in a private location for the first time. That would be stupid. We always meet in a public place.

[Adam-n-Eve 223]

Speaking from personal experience... when a woman comes at you with this proposal... it usually means shes already doing it behind your back.... and now just seeking your approval..... good luck though.

 

It's a shame that this has been your personal experience. But, surely you must realize that that can't always be the case. After all, if it were, then the only time it ever gets brought up it would be because someone "cheated." I'm sure there are many on this site that can assure you that wasn't the case for them.

 

Remember, once is not a pattern. Neither is two.

[Coupleerotic22 1,419]

Your mileage will vary, but for us, every encounter my wife has had in the course of us having an open marriage actually was *exactly* dating. This situation is a bit different, I suppose.

 

But keep in mind that a true predator lures you in anyway. A true predator will lurk in the vanilla world, meet you in an open place, seem awesome, be the life of the party, then slip something in your drink, take you somewhere, and kill you.

 

I'm not trying to make you *more* paranoid, just saying that anytime we put ourselves in a spot where we are alone with strangers, we are rolling the dice.

 

Luckily, most people are not serial killers, psychopaths, or even thieves/rapists/etc. Most people are normal. Some may be jerks, or disappointing, etc, but they arent malevolent.

 

That said of course you need to do whatever makes you feel comfortable and take whatever precautions you feel you need to. Either you think these people are safe or you don't, thats up to you.

 

I just cant agree with the notion that there is any measurable difference in relative safety between "swinging" and "dating" (if anything, my gut is telling me that vanilla dating may be more dangerous)

 

I agree that there is not much difference in safety in the two worlds. And I treat them the same. You have not made me more paranoid, I am pretty much there already. My wife is in the legal profession, many of my friends are in law enforcement, their real life stories and a few personal experience make me start at from distrust. A good friend of ours was raped, shot and left for dead, she barely survived. Trust is earned, but not quickly in my case. Maybe this statement is paranoid a bit, but I believe it, I only need to be wrong once for it to be a disaster.

[Coupleerotic22 1,419]

You also obviously have a lot of misconceptions about swinging. We've never met anyone in a private location for the first time. That would be stupid. We always meet in a public place.

 

I will start with the last first. I have no misconceptions about swinging. We never first meet anyone in a private place OR separately, nor will we. In fact I was advocating against it. I think it is extraordinarily risky. And that is what I was trying to convey to the OP. But I also do not assume someone is any less of a risk simply because they are in the lifestyle. I judge them on the merits and their actions in either case. The OP was not clear where his other would first meet someone else, but he was clear it would be without him or his prior knowledge. I think that is a very bad idea on both counts.

 

But you go ahead and give off some, "I'll hunt you down" vibe when you meet people. Let us know how that works out, OK? My guess is that you'll only be left with the weirdoes, but it'll be interesting to hear about it.

 

Hmmm, how to respond? I make it clear with my actions and words how much I love my wife. I do so in private, when it's just the two of us, and in public, when we are meeting someone or not. The level of respect I show her could convey nothing else.

 

I don't sit across the table and growl or scowl when we meet someone. In fact, because of my physical stature, I go out of the way to to put them as ease. I always show the other couple the respect and consideration I expect of them. We usually know a couple pretty well before we meet them. The other couple usually knows a great deal about my past before we become playmates. They can infer from my history that I am very capable of handling myself. My wife makes no bones about the fact I am her protector. She likes that, it makes her feel more at ease. I am also protective of my friends, I guess it is just in my nature. As a result, on more than one occasion, I have been asked to keep an eye out for friends wives when the husband has to step away. I think that demonstrates the fact that people who know me are comfortable with me and how I will treat them.

 

As for meeting weirdos, my demeanor has worked out very well for us. We have numerous friends within the lifestyle, despite being relatively new to it. We have more playmates than time. And they have all been class people, save one that I miss judged.

 

I ask questions about boundaries, making it clear to the other couple I do not want to do anything that would make them uncomfortable. The response has been almost universal, they trust me and have no concerns that I would step out of line. Because I show them respect, they do the same in return.

 

Dude, you're working way too hard to try and convince us how much you love your wife and how dangerous you'd be if someone hurt her. Who, exactly are you trying to convince, us or yourself? Normal people don't need to tell others that their wife is their "precious" or that they'd hurt someone who tried to take their "precious" away. Why? Because it's normal to feel that way. It would only be remarkable if you didn't feel that way.

 

I don't find it remarkable at all the someone does not feel the same about their spouse that I do with mine. Unfortunately, I have seen the opposite demonstrated all too often, in both worlds. I don't take it for granted.

 

I don't tell anyone she is precious to me, I don't have to, I demonstrate it by how I treat her, speak to her and speak about her. It is obvious to anyone we meet how I feel about her. But it is not important what they think, it is only important that she knows how I feel about her. So I take every opportunity to demonstrate that to her. If you think that how I speak about my wife is trying to convince myself or you of how I feel about her, well sorry. I won't change that, I don't need to convince myself, and I don't care if you are convinced.

 

I am struggling with how to say this. Have you heard the saying "I wouldn't want to run into you in a dark alley"? Well, it has been said to me more than once. It is both a burden and a blessing. I am physically imposing to some people, particularly when I first meet them. Once they get to know me, the know that I am trained to defend myself AND they know I am a teddy bear that wouldn't hurt anyone without provocation.

 

It is a burden because I have to go the extra mile to put some people at ease. Some times it is easier than others. It is a blessing because anyone who might have bad intentions toward my family or friends thinks twice. People that know me feel they are safer around me. For that I am grateful.