Playing or Swinging Separately - What are your thoughts?

[sahajacpl 95]

As a lifestyle couple, married or commited, do you ever play separately and under what conditions and circumstances?

 

Of course, we realize that swinging is a couple/couple thing where you may do a foursome, threesome, or, moresome, depending upon the circumstances. This may involve same room play, partner swap and sexual intercourse with the other couple's husband/wife/mate or a single male or female. The key in traditional swinging is that both husband and wife or S.O. always play together.

 

Our thought is this: Provided your relationship is secure, there is very little risk in playing separately, sometimes, if not always. For instance, you may decide that either partner may engage in swinging in a threesome, with another couple, or, an individual of the opposite sex, that may include intercourse, when one half of the couple cannot participate. For couples, where husband/wife/mate, are both employed, scheduling a swing session may present insermountable problems. It is particularly problematic when both or one or the other is away from home due to business or even personal travel. Under these circumstances, you as a couple, may agree that it is OK for either one to play with, copulate and have sexual intercourse with someone else, when the other, husband/wife/S.O. is not present. They key is to have the rules agreed upon in place and keep your life partner fully in the know of your intentions and actions. These rules should include due diligence, and, safe sex, i.e., no condomes, no intercourse. For mature individuals, these rules are second nature and need no repetition. Playing separately and doing full blown sexual intercourse with someone other than your own mate, on some occasions, has its own erotic appeal.

 

We have been married for many years. We are in deep love, trust each other, and, consider our marriage extremely secure. Therefore, we are not in the least concerned about either one getting into a romantic relationship with the day's or night's play with a new or old sex partner.

 

In fact, we have both played singly on several occasions, when the other could not be present. She was away from home on her last birthday on business travel, to a town where a couple we knew also lived. I (the hubby) arranged for a surprise Birthday gift to the wife. It was the male half of the same couple we had done full swap of mates a few times, and, the wife had just loved sexual play followed by all out vaginal intercourse with him. As it turned out then, this guy's wife was also away and out of town. This couple also had a similar understanding as far as play and sex with another partner when the other was away. To make a long story short, the two (him and my wife), at my (hubby's) instance and planning, had a date, dinner, sex and intercourse with full knowledge and consent of all four of us. When my wife returend home, she was just still glowing from the intense orgasms she had had and thanked me no end for the most wonderful and unexpected B'Day gift. That night we had the most awesome sex with each other we have ever had. Needless to say, wife has allowed me similar privileges when either one was away. One of the most memorable was when I was out of town and met, played and fucked one of her longtime college girlfriends who is widowed. The wife had greased the skids (no pun intended) and had planned the randezvous for her gf and me to play and have sex.

 

What are your thoughts on this topic of husband and wife, or, S.O. playing separately for pleasurable sexual intercourse under certain and defined circumstances, with another person? Do your have similar understanding in place?

 

We would love to hear all thoughts and comments, pro and con.

 

[Ed & Bunny 160]

For us playing apart is a no go. It is just not what we are interested in. We both enjoy watching the other partner have fun. I dont have anything bad to say about the idea, it is just not for us.

[little firefly 64]

For NDN and I, His playing with me not involved in some way would never happen. I'm totally monogamous so I never play with anyone but him but we have an understanding that if he plays I'm to be in the room (preferably the large multi-bed play room of the swingers club we go to) so that I can exercise my right at any time to touch or kiss him. He's always been the kind of swinger that to him anything goes, but he respects my wishes that I be involved. He was actually approached just this past Sat. night at the club by a woman who after finding out I was across town at a dance club for a friends b-day party asked him to go upstairs to one of the private rooms with her. He politely declined and explained my rule which made me happy that he would respect it. He does have an interest in playing with her but only under my conditions and only if she herself asks me if it's ok (which other women have done in the past which shows they have respect for me as his SO)

[bbarnsworth 2,637]

We prefer playing as a couple. That, I think, will always be our first choice.

 

That said, I'm happy for my wife to go play solo if we can't play as a couple for whatever reason. She's not content with the same situation in reverse, and so it has not happened. Some day it may, but I don't have any great desire to do so, most especially if my wife isn't content with the idea and I am not a pusher.

 

There are those here that feel if one spouse can do something, then the other should be permitted to do so as well. We don't feel that way, and never have. We do what makes us happy, and equal doesn't always mean happy. I happen to be a lot more interested in my wife playing solo, and find it erotic to a degree (though less so than watching her have sex with someone). She doesn't find the idea of me going solo to be erotic. You can't make much of a difference in what someone finds erotic by talking. Either they do or don't. We both find playing together to be erotic. Playing solo, it's erotic to me for her to go, not to her for me to go. It works for us, and we are the only people for whom it has to work.

[Elena 42]

Although the situation has not come up for us, we have discussed it. I am still on the fence about it because we have always played together. I am certainly willing, but as we have talked before, I expressed that I wouldn't do it unless I was absolutely sure that he would be fine with it. I know that if he tells me he is, then he is. So maybe in the back of my head it is me wondering if I would be fine with it. I think I probably would, but like I said, the situation has never come up. Of course with either of us, it would have to be someone we are extremely comfortable with. Moreso for me than him. I would want him to completely trust the person I was with, as I would want to trust them also, just in case something were to go wrong. But then I would never put myself in that position because it would be someone we already have a relationship with.

 

Probably in the next year or so, I will be staying home more while he is out on the road. At that point, this situation could take place. We would just have to see what happens then. I do find the situation hot though. And I know we would have simply amazing sex when he got back home! But with him being out on the road, how could I return the favor? The people we know are all local. You never know, we could make some friends within the next year though that would allow me to return the favor and give him some playtime with someone else while he is out on the road. Hmmm We better start meeting people across the US with the intention of me being able to fix him up! LOL

[couplers 4,614]

Hubby and I agree with the basic premise of sahajacpl that the more schedules that need to be accommodated, the more opportunities for play will be lost. (And then I get tense and edgy.) The primary reason hubby and I do what we do is for variety, and secondarily to get additional sex when the need arises. Hubby is indifferent to watching or participating when I have sex with my bf, so we don't really make the effort to coordinate the schedule but let an MFM happen when it does. I really like watching and participating when hubby has a woman, so we make a little more effort to arrange FMFs. Since he has played serially with vanilla women, not all of them have been open to me being there, let alone participating, although all have known from me what the situation is.

 

There is no such thing as a "trust issue" in our marriage. We love each other and are constantly demonstrating it. I am emotionally involved with my bf; hubby's sexual relationships are pretty much just sex. Even if one of us struck up something different that wouldn't change changes the way we feel about each other. I believe deep down that humans were meant to be married; I also believe that we are not monogamous. So hubby and I acknowledge this reality in a deeply committed marriage that allows each other to enjoy sexual variety.

[JustAskJulie 2,595]

We currently do not play separately. Not to say we never will we just don't at this point.

 

That said, I did play separately with my ex, and we were as likely to do so as we were to play together. The one downfall/ warning/ caveat I would give about playing separately is that you have to have complete honesty and tell each other everything without a hesitation. I can honestly say that is part of what hurt my ex and I. Over time of playing separately it became just as easy to not share all the details as it was to share them all. It became easier and easier to the point where eventually it was just as easy not to tell... then it was easier to not share other things and the communication broke down over time. It may have been a chicken/egg thing, looking backwards it's hard to tell... whether our communication broke down first or leaving out small details was a step on the way to the communication breakdown. Perhaps it was just one small symptom of a much larger issue (I believe that is true).

 

I guess the moral is that no matter what you have to have complete communication in all things, any area that you let lapse will lead to lapses in other areas.

[The Fuse 1,012]

We play separately from time to time. I wrote about the last time in a blog entry. Most often it's because one of us has a match, but the other one doesn't. Sometimes it's because someone is away on travel (one of us or one of our playmates) and the one on travel wants his or her partner to have some fun while they are gone.

 

Julie is right, it is all about trust and communication. We don't get too much into hearing all the details, but we like to know the other has had a good time.

 

Playing separately is something we grew into. It's still not what we prefer, but I am happy that it doesn't feel at all threatening.

[lovinher 505]

I guess it depends on why you got into swinging in the first place. This is something we wanted to do together. Of course I want her to have a mind blowing good time and she feels the same. But we want to have that great time with each other. Contrary to what many swingers think (including on this board) it has absolutely nothing to do with trust or jelousy. It's just that neither of us wants to play alone. Simple as that.

[CXXC 435]

MRs. CXXC and I started out in the Lifestyle playing separately. My travels for work would have me in other states or countries for 8 of 12 months. My schedule of travel has dropped considerably this year but her work schedule has been HORRIFIC!

 

As I said, we started out as solo players but moved to couple/couple a little over a year ago. Once we saw how incredibly erotic and fun playing side by side was, we opted to do that as our prefered method of play.

 

Unfortunately, due to scheduling conflicts, we are forced to play solo more times than together. We are very happy with this arrangement but still prefer the couple play.

 

We make certain all safety measures are in place as well as communicate FULLY before and after each event. It keeps us excited and in some ways, engaged in the activity through the each other's involvement.

 

She has a boy toy with whom she has the freedome to make dates with at any time providing it does not get in the way of our limited time together. I attend house parties and have a couple couples who enjoy my participation in MFM's.

 

The only down side to our playing solo is that we regret that we cannot experience the activities together. There is no jealousy. Niether Mrs. CXXC nor I feel envy toward the other. We are very happy to give this gift of sexual freedom to one another.

 

The rules are quite simple. We must let each other know the names of our playmates, the address in which the activities will take place, a call upon arrival and a call upon leaving.

 

We share the tale of our endeavors with each other as soon as we are together. This generally sends us into a fit of passion where we are ripping each others clothes off and having some of the best sex in our lives.

 

We have not had an FMF to date nor has she been solo with another couple. Both activities are upon the horrizon as I know our time together, Lifestyle friends visit and desires run high for each.

 

By the way, we both have pre-recorded videos on our phones of the two of us giveing the other hall passes in case the intended pay mates wonder.

[The Fuse 1,012]

I guess it depends on why you got into swinging in the first place. This is something we wanted to do together. Of course I want her to have a mind blowing good time and she feels the same. But we want to have that great time with each other. Contrary to what many swingers think (including on this board) it has absolutely nothing to do with trust or jelousy. It's just that neither of us wants to play alone. Simple as that.

 

Lovinher is right... there are lots of couples who have no desire at all to play separately, and as he said, it depends on why you got into swinging in the first place. It seems to me that the ones who have no desire at all to play separately find the togetherness to be as much of a motivation in swinging as having sexual variety, or even more, and has nothing to do with their level of trust.

 

I wouldn't say one or the other preference is better or somehow more evolved. It's all about what each couple wants. It's amazing to me the different things that different people and couples find erotic. Such variety in what turns everyone on.

 

Mr. Fuse and I really like swinging together and seeing each other turned on and in action. But we also really like to experience sexual variety as a pleasure all its own, that can stand alone apart from the excitement of seeing each other play and experiencing it together. We plain old get excited over other people, and enjoy concentrating on our sex partners alone as well as in foursomes or moresomes.

 

I am sorry if my last post came off as putting other peoples' tastes down; that was not my intention. Vive la difference.

[The Fuse 1,012]

By the way, we both have pre-recorded videos on our phones of the two of us giveing the other hall passes in case the intended pay mates wonder.

Wow, how inventive! Combined with a wedding photo, this would be pretty convincing proof if anyone is skeptical.

[CXXC 435]

Wow, how inventive! Combined with a wedding photo, this would be pretty convincing proof if anyone is skeptical.

 

Ms. Fuse

Slight problem. I really dont look much like I did when I got married. I had long LONG hair then and no facial hair. I have a shaved head now and facial hair. What to do????

[bbarnsworth 2,637]

Ms. Fuse

Slight problem. I really dont look much like I did when I got married. I had long LONG hair then and no facial hair. I have a shaved head now and facial hair. What to do????

 

"Let's do the time warp again!"

 

The video is a good idea though. Works well when you can't raise your spouse for some reason, and really works better than a phone call anyway.

[PB&J 1,086]

I played separately a fair bit over the summer, for a variety of reasons, but mostly because I had the free time and PB didn't, and also because I had found a playmate that I felt comfortable with alone, and whom PB felt comfortable with me being with. The video is a cool idea, but I can't right now see myself playing with someone PB hadn't met, so not applicable here.

 

Sadly, now that my busy season is here, I don't have the time, and not sadly, my playmate has found a "real-life" girlfriend who understandably is now his primary interest (and yes, she knows all about what he's been up to, and did before they ever "did" anything, and there's always the chance... but obviously their primary relationship is more important than having some fun)

 

So right now I'm not playing alone, and PB has had trouble finding a similar "perfect match" for himself. I think we're going to focus on couples play for awhile. However, given the chance, I'll go for it again. I won't go out looking for it, but if the opportunity comes along, I'll take it.

[lovinher 505]

Lovinher is right... there are lots of couples who have no desire at all to play separately, and as he said, it depends on why you got into swinging in the first place. It seems to me that the ones who have no desire at all to play separately find the togetherness to be as much of a motivation in swinging as having sexual variety, or even more, and has nothing to do with their level of trust.

 

I wouldn't say one or the other preference is better or somehow more evolved. It's all about what each couple wants. It's amazing to me the different things that different people and couples find erotic. Such variety in what turns everyone on.

 

Mr. Fuse and I really like swinging together and seeing each other turned on and in action. But we also really like to experience sexual variety as a pleasure all its own, that can stand alone apart from the excitement of seeing each other play and experiencing it together. We plain old get excited over other people, and enjoy concentrating on our sex partners alone as well as in foursomes or moresomes.

 

I am sorry if my last post came off as putting other peoples' tastes down; that was not my intention. Vive la difference.

 

I didn't think you put anybody down at all. I certainly didn't take it that way and your fist paragraph conveyed my point much better than I did. But there are those who seem to think that couples like us have trust/jealousy/control issues which simply isn't true..at least not in our case.

I don't restrict my wife's freedom or control her and I can say the same for her. It just so happens we agree on what we want and it works for us. I can honestly say I have absolutely no desire to fuck another woman without her there-despite evolution, society or any so called religious brainwashing (never went to church).

 

I guess you could call us monogamous swingers.

[sahajacpl 95]

Great thoughts from all of you. We too, as a matter of fact, prefer to play together on every occasion we can. There is nothing more erotic and satisfying than to watch the wife/hubby or S.O., play with his/her swap mate in every erotic way possible and then have intercourse with him/her to orgasm. Watching your life mate having erotic fun followed by a mind-blowing orgasm is the height of vicarious pleasure.

 

The separate play for us is reserved only for those rare occasions when one of us is away for some period of time. We then allow ourselves to have sensuous/sexual fun with another partner, preselected most times, sometimes not, which does include engaging in pleasurable foreplay followed by copulation for intercourse. Full disclosure of the social and sexual escapade is a sine' quo non when playing separately. That's our basic rule for separate play.We agree with Julie that complete communication is the key. Secondly, full trust in the potential sex partner is a must. If there is the slightest doubt about safety, trustworthiness and integrity of the of the other individual you plan to have sex with, then don't do it, period.

 

The greatest pleasure is to hear all and every detail of the her/his solo sexual adventure after the event, on the phone or in person. And at times, an element of surprise in setting up the randezvous for sexual congress does excite both of us.

[PB&J 1,086]

The greatest pleasure is to hear all and every detail of the her/his solo sexual adventure after the event, on the phone or in person.

 

For us, that's not a part of it. Although PB does like to get some pics sent his way in the heat of the moment, we don't do post-game summaries. It's enough to know the other person had a good time, and then leave the rest to our imaginations.

[couplers 4,614]

Well put, PB&J, hubby has no need for post-game summaries although after returning he always asks how I am doing, did I have fun, etc. and accepts whether I have little to say, or go on and on about emotional things or talk about just the sex. When hubby, Red and I are together fo a rare MFM, hubby is very observant to how I respond to physical and verbal stimulus and asks if I would like for him to do things that I enjoy doing with Red. And for the two things I have told him that I don't want to do with him, which are yell out "this is your pussy, take it whenever you want it" thing (my game with Red since we started), and anal (hubby is too big around), he is fine with. His sensitivity to what I like makes him not only a great husband, but also an excellent sex partner.

 

I, on the other hand, like to watch hubby with another woman whenever circumstances allow.

[CXXC 435]

couplers said:

Well put, PB&J, hubby has no need for post-game summaries although after returning he always asks how I am doing, did I have fun, etc. and accepts whether I have little to say, or go on and on about emotional things or talk about just the sex. When hubby, Red and I are together fo a rare MFM, hubby is very observant to how I respond to physical and verbal stimulus and asks if I would like for him to do things that I enjoy doing with Red. And for the two things I have told him that I don't want to do with him, which are yell out "this is your pussy, take it whenever you want it" thing (my game with Red since we started), and anal (hubby is too big around), he is fine with. His sensitivity to what I like makes him not only a great husband, but also an excellent sex partner.

 

I, on the other hand, like to watch hubby with another woman whenever circumstances allow.

Couplers

Mrs. CXXC and I enjoy the "Post Game" reports as they heighten the flames a bit more when we have our re-connect sex after each encounter.

 

I must say, I do like what you have said here. It fits very well with what she and I do with regards to other playmates. I learn from the MFM situations and even ask about the activities she enjoys while playing solo. If I can do ANYTHING to make OUR love making better, I WILL LEARN HOW!

 

She too enjoys watching me please and be pleased by another woman! AINT IT GREAT????

[fun4Ds 1,098]

We never have played separate. All who have met us know that, without a doubt.

 

Just to add our viewpoint though. We always had people (regular playmates) ask.

 

Mrsfuns was usually a requested birthday gift (FMF) perhaps, or occasionally she might be at someones house without me, socializing. Not that there was any sneakiness involved.... More like a check again thing. I've had it happen as well, when she was not with our friends at the time and I too declined...

 

Once is one thing, but when it would happen the third time ?

 

We always looked at it like sometimes people evolve to that point, but if we clearly new a couple always played together, we wouldn't ask for a threesome without their partner there.

 

Can't really answer for them as to why ? We always just kinda laughed and shrugged it off, no biggie.

 

But still, we never got it. I mean they always looked at it like....

 

Well, we have all fucked before so now solo is OK, right?

[M1F2KTJ 473]

I might have missed it here since this is an excellent source for this kind of thing but have you considered polyamory?

 

Your relationship is not secure if the thought has entered your mind. Just be honest with each other and let each other play alone. Fucking and love are two totally different things. Your wife or husband saying "i love you" just after cumming with someone means " I loved fucking you" not that "I love you and want to spend the rest of my life with you"

 

Loving fucking makes it possible for a man and wife to share each other while still committing to loving someone, as in their wife or husband, exclusively as in a marriage.

[todesireu 16]

We play together but would not turn down someone who wanted to play solo with us.

[couplers 4,614]

CXXC - Both sides of the swinging experience are, without a doubt, Great! As I said in one of my first-ever posts, the turning point for me was when overcame my jealousies and selfish attitude and allowed hubby to swing. It was one of those "face your fears" kind of moments. Now seeing hubby enjoy another woman is wonderful; it makes me love, desire and enjoy him all the more.

 

M1F2KTJ - If your comment was directed toward me, I do indeed consider myself poly, although it all developed without that in mind. As I have discussed elsewhere, Red (my bf) took my cherry, I have been with him ever since, and I have genuine affection toward each other. We say that we love each other (both during sex and not) in front of my husband. Red is monogamous with me and we have all arranged our lives to stay together.

[CXXC 435]

CXXC - Both sides of the swinging experience are, without a doubt, Great! As I said in one of my first-ever posts, the turning point for me was when overcame my jealousies and selfish attitude and allowed hubby to swing. It was one of those "face your fears" kind of moments. Now seeing hubby enjoy another woman is wonderful; it makes me love, desire and enjoy him all the more.

 

Our history in the Lifestyle is backwards form most. We started out playing solo and eventually worked our way into the couple/couple play. Today, we will do both as our schedules permit.

 

I personally enjoy couple/couple play more than solo these days. I can honestly say, I never did feel the slightest pang of jealousy while Mrs. CXXC was out on a date. When the opportunities for us to play as a couple became available, my thoughts and feelings were all about passion and excitement.

 

For me, seeing and hearing Mrs. CXXC being pleased by another is an absolutely erotic experience. When she is with her male or female partner, I am awash with more love and happiness for her than the moments before. There is something aobut her being HAPPY that makes my world complete!

 

Each time we connect after we have shared the bodies of strangers, we feel a great surge of love and desire for one another. When we return from our solo engagements, we share the smallest details with each other and fall passionately into each others arms for a good bout of love making!

 

I know this all sounds like a hallmark card, but it is the truth! My one failure in our marriage and our relationship is that I cannot love her more today than I will tomorrow. I simply fall sort when the scales are measure the next day!

 

Surely, the ability to play solo is not for everyone. However, for Mrs. CXXC and myself, it provides us with the ability to enjoy the lifestyle where our schedules would not otherwise permit. As I travel quite a bit, she is left to an empty house often. Why not fill it from time to time with some fun and excitment?

[Expulsion 40]

Well since I'm single right now, obviously I would have to go about it solo.

 

The once or twice I experienced it we played together with another couple, but we never really discussed doing it on our own when we were together. I wouldn't have had a problem with it at all, I'm very much polyamorous. I guess we'll see about my future partners!

 

Though I think it would be more fun together. I have always loved watching an SO play with someone else. It's just so hot!

[mandlori 16]

At first it was only swinging when we were together, but times change and I guess I became more comfortable with seeing my wife with another guy.

 

A few years ago when I was on a 2 week business trip, with Valentine's Day being in the middle, I got really turned on my the thought of her having sex with someone while I was gone. Every day when I would call I would talk to her I would tell her about it, and how much I wanted to do it. She always responded that she would think about it.

 

The day after Valentine's when I called her I asked if she got laid last night. My jaw dropped when she said she did. A guy with whom we had met before to see if we were interested in having a mfm 3some happened to call that evening and asked if she would meet him for a drink.

 

Knowing how I had been after her, she decided to do that and see where it would lead. She told me later it first led to her agreeing to giving him a blow job in the car, but that got them heated up so they got in the back seat for some sex. After his first cum (she said she came several times), they decided it would be nice to find a more comfortable place for sex so they drove to our place and spent a few more hours playing.

 

Hearing her tell me about it was about the hottest I have ever been. Since then she has had sex with one of our playmates whenever I have been gone on extended business trips. I enjoy getting the play by play report afterward.

 

The only problem I have is I can't get her to call when they are doing it - some kind of a hangup she has about that. She has only done that once, when a friend of hers was over and I was supposed to be home from work. She called to tell me that he was there, she was on top, and if I didn't hurry home I was going to miss all the fun.

 

Needless to say I was home as quickly as I could make it.

[sahajacpl 95]

At first it was only swinging when we were together, but times change and I guess I became more comfortable with seeing my wife with another guy.

 

Makes a lot of sense for couples to swing, play and have sexual intercourse with another partner separately when both are in a trusting and loving relationship. Our experience is that it simply adds to each other's pleasure to know about and hear that she or he fucked someone else and had a great time. And this freedom to act and have sex with another partner is particularly important when both cannot swing together due to travel or scheduling problems.

 

[ArkansasFunOnes 15]

We would never play separately. It's just something that doesn't interest us. We've actually had a few occasions where just one or the other has played with another couple or another single, but still the other one is always there.

 

For us part of the fun is the voyeurism and exhibitionism involved.

[Adam-n-Eve 223]

I guess it depends on why you got into swinging in the first place. This is something we wanted to do together. Of course I want her to have a mind blowing good time and she feels the same. But we want to have that great time with each other. Contrary to what many swingers think (including on this board) it has absolutely nothing to do with trust or jelousy. It's just that neither of us wants to play alone. Simple as that.

 

I have to disagree with the idea that how we first approach swinging is how we end up swinging in the long-run. We've grown into playing separately. We no intentions to do so when we started, but as we got more comfortable with the lifestyle we eventually decided there wasn't much of a difference between playing together and playing alone. Actually, the experience itself is very different, but the concept is the same. To us.

[sahajacpl 95]

I have to disagree with the idea that how we first approach swinging is how we end up swinging in the long-run. Actually, the experience itself is very different, but the concept is the same. To us.

 

We agree. From the postings it sounds like opinions are equally divided. However, for a couple to have the freedom to swing separately with another couple and enjoy sexual intercourse with someone other than one's own spouse/SO, without the other partner present, may actually be a sign of trust in each other and maturity in their swinging career, or the long-run, as referred to above.

[mixtupcpl 169]

We agree. From the postings it sounds like opinions are equally divided. However, for a couple to have the freedom to swing separately with another couple and enjoy sexual intercourse with someone other than one's own spouse/SO, without the other partner present, may actually be a sign of trust in each other and maturity in their swinging career, or the long-run, as referred to above.

 

I agree with this... We actually started separately and I dont feel it has lead to us being "closed" in our view of anything really. We started separately because it was all we really understood. It started with "seeing other people". At the time of course it was a big risk, but we took it thinking we could/would survive it and we did. Of course many would not. But then many wouldnt survive their first experience swinging either.

 

My wife feels uncomfortable with the idea of me being in the room with her, but that's just who she is and isnt an artifact of our lifestyle.

 

As for the whole "post game" thing, I dont really want a ton of detail or particularly get off on it. I do want to know that she's ok and had a good time though, and help her through anything that may be bugging her.

 

I think its tempting to overthink this issue or try to view it from a personal perspective, but it doesnt really work that way.

[Adam-n-Eve 223]

We agree. From the postings it sounds like opinions are equally divided. However, for a couple to have the freedom to swing separately with another couple and enjoy sexual intercourse with someone other than one's own spouse/SO, without the other partner present, may actually be a sign of trust in each other and maturity in their swinging career, or the long-run, as referred to above.

 

A lot of couples who don't play separately would take you to task for saying that.

 

I'm sure that there are some couples that just prefer to play together -- or they have limited playtime as it is, and thus would rather play together when they play. That said, I tend to agree with you. That's not to say that the couple who only swings together is deficient in trust and maturity; we all know that it takes these things, along with communication, to be a long-term swinger in any case.

 

For us, though, it just seems like the natural course of things. The more I trust my wife and the more I know nothing is going to come between us, the more I'm willing to let her do things on her own. When we manage to deal with issues that crop us as mature adults, the more I'm sure we'll handle future problems in a constructive manner. We don't need to worry about stuff like that. My wife isn't going to give me permission to do something, only to have me to come home and find her crying about it at the end of the night.

 

From our personal experience, an open marriage is to swinging as swinging is to a vanilla marriage. Just as you take your marriage to another level when you swing, you take it that much further yet when you go completely open.

 

It's unnecessary to say that it's not for everyone. Swinging itself isn't for everyone, and this is Swinging++

 

We're not into the hotwife/cuckold thing, but obviously the rules are a bit different for those who are. At that point it's more fetish than anything else, and some trust issues may be less important, depending on what gets the husband off. I don't understand that aspect of the lifestyle so I won't say any more than that.

[Adam-n-Eve 223]

I think its tempting to overthink this issue...

 

Hallelujah! I think the whole should we/shouldn't we stuff is over-thinking as a whole. If you're curious about trying something, just do it! If you don't like it, don't do it again. If your relationship can't handle that, I think you're too fragile to be swinging in the first place.

 

Eve spent the weekend at a hotel on the beach in LA with a guy we met at Desire several months before. I ended up not liking it. Of course, I didn't tell her that until she came back, but we talked about it afterwards and we're not going to be doing that again anytime soon. She might be going to London alone for work in a few months, and she would hookup with a guy she's been talking to while she's there. So far I'm OK with this since they won't be spending the night together in a romantic hotel.

 

I might have a problem with it, thought. If I do, I'm not going to get mad at her. In either case, we'll have a better idea of where our boundaries are -- and then we'll respect those boundaries in the future.

 

We tend to do something and analyze the results rather than try and decide how we're going to feel about something we've never done.

[Alura 2,774]

We tried playing separately early in our marriage and found it slightly more exciting than watching pond water evaporate. Swapping with other couples, however, provided a thrill we liked a lot.

[Swing*8701 887]

Susan here-- I agree with everyone that communication is key with solo play. There have only been two men I've played solo with. The one I do this about three times a year with is Tom. We Play with Tom and his wife Karen, as a couple, monthly. So, she knows me quite well. Neither her or my husband Ed are interested in solo play. Tom and I happened by circumstance. We had a foursome play date scheduled, our spouses came down ill , and they encouraged Tom and I to still get together.

 

Well, it was pretty amazing sex and still is. We asked our spouses if we could do play solo every so often and they agreed. The caveat is that solo play is a more intimate sexual environment. If you can engage that increased level of intimacy in the moment and disengage it afterwards, you'll be fine. Tom and I can do that. Our spouses never feel threatened. In fact, the couple of times a year I see Tom solo, Karen calls me beforehand to give me some ideas. I've also called her afterwards and bragged up her husband and thank her for sharing him with me. Of course, I tell Ed everything and he then proceeds to screw me into next week. Lastly, Ed and Karen have a great time having sex with each other when we swing together as couples. It's a unique and ideal situation.

[mixtupcpl 169]

Susan here-- I agree with everyone that communication is key with solo play. There have only been two men I've played solo with. The one I do this about three times a year with is Tom. We Play with Tom and his wife Karen, as a couple, monthly. So, she knows me quite well. Neither her or my husband Ed are interested in solo play. Tom and I happened by circumstance. We had a foursome play date scheduled, our spouses came down ill , and they encouraged Tom and I to still get together.

 

Well, it was pretty amazing sex and still is. We asked our spouses if we could do play solo every so often and they agreed. The caveat is that solo play is a more intimate sexual environment. If you can engage that increased level of intimacy in the moment and disengage it afterwards, you'll be fine. Tom and I can do that. Our spouses never feel threatened. In fact, the couple of times a year I see Tom solo, Karen calls me beforehand to give me some ideas. I've also called her afterwards and bragged up her husband and thank her for sharing him with me. Of course, I tell Ed everything and he then proceeds to screw me into next week. Lastly, Ed and Karen have a great time having sex with each other when we swing together as couples. It's a unique and ideal situation.

 

And............. THIS post is a GREAT example of why people shouldn't overthink/analyze this stuff or personalize the generalizations

 

If the situation above were generalized, and put out for a kind of poll type deal, it would probably cause contraversy... But here we see that it worked out quite nicely for all involved. COULD it go badly? Sure. But anything can. Are certain things *higher risk*? I'm not 100% sure actually. I think that also depends on the participants.

 

I really love the comment about knowing that you are able to "disengage the level of intimacy afterwards". Success or disaster in any of these "borderline" situations almost certainly comes down to exactly that, but I've never quite seen it spelled out that way. Couldn't agree more.

[Adam-n-Eve 223]

...solo play is a more intimate sexual environment...

 

This is exactly why we like it. We love to play together too, but with a lot of couples, it's still all about them as a couple. They're so focused on watching their spouse have sex that they're not fully present as they have sex with us. They're really still having sex with each other -- we're just a tool to get them off -- like a vibrator. If that's what both couples want, it probably works out fine.

 

When you're alone with someone the dynamic is completely different. Then it is all about the two of you. It's a far more intimate thing.

 

Even so, my all-time best experience just happened a few weeks ago, and it was while my wife was with me. This woman and I had that kind of connection, intimacy, and passion where everything else just fades away. Eve and I talked about it later -- trying to figure out how to make that happen more often -- and we learned a lot from that talk.

 

We were able to make that deep erotic connection only because Mrs. Other wasn't focused on her husband. If she had been looking over at him the whole time, it couldn't have happened. By definition, losing myself in woman requires that I forget about everything but her. And, unless she loses herself in me as well, that connection's not going to happen. And oh, what a connection! If you truly want to experience a person, you can't do it while you're thinking about someone else. Period.

 

If we could find more couples that focused on us rather than on themselves, we might not even play separately.

[willyoats 324]

In a way, we started separately. We were having some sex problems early in the marriage, so we gave each other permission to have affairs. She did, and when she told me about it, I was REALLY turned on. She had some fun in the affair, but the sneaking around took an emotional toll on her. She didn't ever want to have to go through that again, i.e., robbing time from us being together, sneaking around, having the other guy do bizarre things and call her at home, etc. It settled once and for all that our marriage was a good one and the sexual problems were not really all my fault. Very positive outcome from the afair.

 

I didn't have an affair then. Almost, but no cigar. Some years later when I really did want to have sex with other women, we discussed it and decided on swinging because it is all out in the open, can be scheduled easily, we do it together, etc. Very practical woman, my wife!

 

Over the years, most of our swinging has been together, but not all. When I was out of town on business, she sometimes had an afternoon delight. I have entertained a friend in our house (and bed) while my wife was out shopping or playing bridge for a few hours.

 

Bottom line: separate works very well in some instances. However, I doubt it will ever become a majority preference. Too much of swinging is really tied up in sharing, and I would really be unhappy if I were never included in her playtime activities.

[olderyder 15]

My Mrs. and I play separately, I should say she plays solo but for quite a different reason than I have seen so far. We got into the LS to play as a couple, but that lasted only about 2 parties. Because of a big (20 year) age difference between us, and the fact that I am overweight, we were unable to find any couples we were compatible with. We decided that until we were able to find compatible couples, she should try playing with single men or we would do MFM's. It didn't take me long to figure out that being the third wheel in MFM's or just watching held as much interest for me as watching grass grow. Over time, our inability to hook up with any compatible couples and my total lack of interest in MFM or watching, began to have an adverse effect on my Mrs. ability to enjoy sex in the lifestyle. As of this point, we are taking a hiatus due to the Mrs. frustration because we are still unable to find any compatible couples. She no longer feels comfortable having me wait while she plays, and I won't ask her to "take one for the team". Funny, but I don't know how many times that has been recommended to us, usually by folks that would never consider it themselves.....

[MN Tom 251]

We prefer to play together, but with kids and time restrictions further limiting the chances (along with the typical difficulty of matching up a 2v2) we opened our options up to separate play.

 

With that said, it's still not completely separate. We have both met the other's play partners beforehand, and we both have free will to chat ad naseum with them if we choose. For safety reasons I have made it a point to meet any potential male playmate for my wife, and I usually do involve myself in more of the prescheduling discussion also, since I tend to be the one online more often.

 

The separate play fun has come back to our own bedroom also, so at this time, we still have the separate option open. If for some reason that changes, then we would reconsider. As of now though, we are glad that we went with separate play as an option, because we have enjoyed it quite a bit. Both of us were quite pleased with the deeper connection feelings to our own spouse afterwards, and we have learned a few little different tricks/techniques to try back at home.