Wife diagnosed with herpes, says she'll not swing anymore

[lnm98 15]

After a whirlwind first year of swinging, with one couple rather regularly (couple #1-including some separate play), and another couple (couple #2) twice, my wife was diagnosed with herpes and says she will not do it anymore - she is totally done. Everything was great until the diagnosis.

 

When we found out we were both devastated and I felt guilty. I thought we were done at that point, but even after the diagnosis we went to a party recently with couple #2 and after the party they came to our house and we told them about the diagnosis and we still swung. On top of the herpes issue she is also afraid the other people at the party know about us and doesn't like sneaking around and now she is sure she is done with it and attributes it to drinking too much each time. But during the last year she told me several times when she hadn't had too much to drink that she was just as into it as I was (which was a lot).

 

I think we both enjoyed our foray into the lifestyle immensely and if she had not gotten herpes and we were smarter and more discreet we would continue with it. It looks like our swinging is dead but I think neither of us really wants it to be - what should I/we do.

 

Thanks in advance for all the advice I can get.

[Chicup 41]

Quote

I thought we were done at that point, but even after the diagnosis we went to a party recently with couple #2 and after the party they came to our house and we told them about the diagnosis and we still swung.

 

Well I guess you now know where you got the herpes from.

 

I think her reaction is somewhat typical of someone who has been burned by one of the negative aspects of sex. The risk is no longer worth the reward, and being she doesn't want to take full responsibility she blames the alcohol.

[lnm98 15]

Chicup: Actually we are certain it was couple #1 due to timing and other factors. My wife is the type to take full responsibility - I think she is right - she is just a different person when she drinks and each time she had been drinking. I am wondering if we have lost our chance to enjoy the lifestyle forever, or if we can overcome this setback.

[fun4Ds 1,097]

Chicup: Actually we are certain it was couple #1 due to timing and other factors. My wife is the type to take full responsibility - I think she is right - she is just a different person when she drinks and each time she had been drinking. I am wondering if we have lost our chance to enjoy the lifestyle forever, or if we can overcome this setback.

 

I can find admiration and sympathy for how your wife feels. I know we have not been diagnosed with anything as of yet. But if we were, we could not possibly swing with anyone without full disclosure. And, we would be going back to any past playpartners with the knowledge we were diagnosed.

 

Either STOP !

 

Or, seek those with herpes. I have honestly thought there would be more people with profiles explaining they are seeking those with herpes if they knew, or at least an understanding. Especially after all the commercials about one partner having it and the other doesn't. We have vanilla/civilian people as friends who do have herpes. We don't treat them like lepers. I don't think people who do have it in the lifestyle should be either, if their honest !!

 

 

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[celtic239 297]

From what I understand there isn't a whole lot one can do to protect oneself from getting herpes from an infected individual (condoms aren't effective) since it's a skin to skin vs. genital to genital transmission. No lack of or bucket full of alcohol could have prevented the transmission of the virus.

[VegasLee 1,486]

what should I/we do. T

 

You wife has made her decision. Not much we can tell you since it is not up to us what you two can or will do.

 

Best thing to do is honor her wishes and do what she wants. No means No even in a relationship. She does not want to swing, you don't swing.

[Alura 2,773]

I read an article not long ago about the huge percentage of Americans who have been exposed to herpes. I am amazed that I never got it considering my history... particularly during my hippy years. Apparently some people get the virus and have symptoms. Others don't, and nobody seems to know why.

[slevin 1,374]

Alura said:

I read an article not long ago about the huge percentage of Americans who have been exposed to herpes. I am amazed that I never got it considering my history... particularly during my hippy years. Apparently some people get the virus and have symptoms. Others don't, and nobody seems to know why.

 

They don't definitively know the statistics of how many people have herpes. The only definitive test for herpes is for a doctor to swap an active sore. The blood test that they can perform only tells the doctor that you were exposed to herpes, not whether you have/had it. This is the reason that a standard STD screening test doesn't test for herpes unless you specifically ask for it. All of those 1 in 4 statistics are supposition and not based on science.

 

It is still a contagious STD and condom's definitely don't do much to help mitigate it (though they can help slightly). An infected person can transmit the disease even when there are no physical signs, so there is no real way for you to know for sure whether someone has it or not. Contracting an STD is a risk of having sex, whether it's swinging or two singles meeting in a bar.

[JustAskJulie 2,595]

I have to ditto Chicup here. And while you think due to timing it was couple #1 there is no proof. Herpes doesn't always show up right away, it can lay dormant for years. Both couples may have it and not have told you for all you know. Or you both may have had it for years before you got married and it's just now showing it's symptoms. Perhaps she already had it for years and then one of the other couples had it and re-introduced her system to it therefore activating it. You'll never know for sure.

 

In the end, if she chooses to discontinue swinging, you have to honor that. If you do choose to continue then you have to choose whether you will be more honest than the couples you've played with.

[lizandtom 512]

Both couples may have it and not have told you for all you know. Or you both may have had it for years before you got married and it's just now showing it's symptoms. Perhaps she already had it for years and then one of the other couples had it and re-introduced her system to it therefore activating it. You'll never know for sure.

 

I've read that on average here in the U.S., 1 in 4 have Genital Herpes, and of that 65% don't know they have it, I guess because they've been asymptomatic. Though no symptoms may show, it can still be contagious due to viral shedding for approximately 3 weeks out of the year although never knowing when. 21 days divided by 365, x 25% concludes that there is a 1.4% chance of contracting it during any encounter, and no; my job has very little to do with statistics lol.

[SwingCpl2 41]

I've read that on average here in the U.S., 1 in 4 have Genital Herpes, and of that 65% don't know they have it, I guess because they've been asymptomatic.

 

Generally, most swingers have been exposed to it already.

 

There was a study done a few years back, and of people that had more than 10 sex partners, 80% carried the virus. Most of them without ever having any symptoms.

 

If a person is having an outbreak they should abstain from sex until the sores are gone.

 

The fact is: if you have multiple partners you WILL be EXPOSED to it at some point!! Chances are you will never even know you have it. It just goes with the territory.

[Swing*8701 887]

Susan here-- Give her time to accept her condition. I had a friend in college and he contracted herpes after his first sexual encounter. This was a couple that loved each other. She knew she had it and did not tell him. It did end the relationship, because of the lies of omission, yet I still remember him saying,"I just never had the word 'incurable' associated with my medical report." That being said, he has made point of being open about it and is now married, happy, etc. Seems he found a woman who went through the same thing.

 

That being said, give her some time to process the information and even grieve about it. We humans do need that. Then, perhaps, consider seeking out 'herpes open' couples. I can only imagine that you will find yourself anything but alone. Also, by being open about it, I think you will find a very accepting environment. What you do not realize, and only time will express this, is that you have more options than you currently think are possible. They will present themselves to you, if you are open to them.

 

Despite this, she may truly be 'done'. Patience will reveal that.

[qreskupl7476 137]

I have to agree with Susan, give her some time, but either way, you have to honor her wishes, and should you decide to jump back in PLEASE be honest and disclose your condition to others BEFORE it becomes an issue. It's the only honest, grown up thing to do.

 

But in all seriousness, now that she has it and knows that she has it, chances are that you do too or will eventually, as well as couples #1 and #2. Quitting now seems to me sort of like a person quitting smoking because they have lung cancer. If y'all got it, and they got it, then I'd say it's a bit late. Might as well enjoy the ride, it's just one less thing you have to worry about now. See what she feels like after the shock wears off, a diagnosis like that no doubt shook up her emotions a bit. I know it would mine, but I'd probably feel entirely different after some time and thought.

 

Personally, I admire couples that are still involved in the lifestyle even though they have a condition such as herpes . . . Provided that they're honest about it. They're just proof that there's a place for everyone if they do things right.

[Guest Unregistered]

Hello,

 

I got herpes from my wife about 9 months into our marriage. I am certain that she was not unfaithful. She apparently has had herpes for a very long time and was asymptomatic all these years. Even today 20 years later she never has an outbreak and I have an outbreak about four times a year. The fact is that many people have herpes and quite a few of them really do not know they have it. I would just consider this the risk of having sex with multiple partners. The funny thing was, I had about 22 partners before marriage and only got minor infections, curable with antibiotics. It's not a huge deal to live with and why anyone would leave a person they love because they gave them herpes (Innocently) is totally illogical. That is the one person they can have unprotected sex with and not feel guilty. Me having herpes is a hassle at times, but for the most part it really is not a big deal.

[Mr.Essex 264]

It's her decision, but I'll add a personal anecdote: My mother suffered from cold sores from her 3rd birthday to the year after she gave birth to me. As far back as I remember, I've never seen her or any of her paramours (ex-husband, fiance, etc) with any sort of viral outbreak. I, OTOH, developed cold sores during my (very, very) virginal high school years. They went away after I began to have sex on a regular basis. Adding an extra ball of confusion to the pinball machine: when tested (through blood) for all STDs, the woman who devirginized me and my former fiance both tested negative for herpes (for clarification, I was engaged to both of them and I lived in a state in which disease screening for engaged couples was "encouraged")

 

Bottom line: Herpes does not have to equal the death of swinging. I wouldn't suggest that she jump headfirst into the lifestyle with sores raised, but that type of infection soon sorts itself out, and a few changes in diet and increased exercise does wonders for suppression rates. Plus, of course, there's always Acyclovir/Valacyclovir.