Children Swing and you find out - How Do You React? Addressing a parent's concerns

[ratimadan 75]

What is your reaction when your find out that your children have been swinging? There have been a few posts regarding what you do when your children find out that you have been playing with other couples and swapping mates for sex. There was post on this Board a while ago that said that the younger generation, 20 years old and up, in large numbers, have been swinging.That is certainly plausible since the younger generation is sexually more liberated.

 

There is a swinger story posted on this Board, a while ago, where the middle-aged mom and dad visit a couples' club and run into their two sons and a daughter with their spouses. They all go home together in two cars and the son-in-law (sil) plays with his mother-in-law (mil) while in the car on the back seat. When they all get home the sil fucks the mom (mil) and the daughters-in-law fuck the dad or father-in-law. The family has a great time. We can't vouch for the veracity of the story, but it may be true.

 

We have not run into our kids in a swing club yet. However, we do not doubt that they may be swinging and would'nt bother us one bit if we found out. The reason for this post is:

 

A vanilla couple (J and S) we know just recently found out that their two daughters, married about two years ago, had played along with their respective hubbies, and swapped their mates with another couple or couples, and, had sexual intercourse with other partners. The wife was so distraught when she found out (we do not know how) that the girls and their hubbies were swinging and fucking other mates, that I thought there was some calamity in the family, or at least a potential divorce. The daughters and their husbands are well educated, sofisticated, and, we are sure, have a secure marriage. That's certainly our judgement, having known the family for many years.

 

The wife asked me what she could do about her daughters and son-in-laws doing this "immoral thing" and having sexual intercourse with someone other than between their own married partners. She is certainly aware that her daughters have been sexually active for a long time and have played with and have been fucked by their boyfriends during college years when they dated. We do know from other reliable sources that the daughters and their hubbies do swing and do full swap of mates. We both just think that swinging for a young mature married couple, which they are, to the best of our judgement, is very healthy. Nothing to worry about and get bent out of shape like the mom did.

 

Since I don't know how to address J's concerns without blowing our cover-the couple does not know that we swing too-we are looking for suggestions on how to address her concerns in a meaningful way.

 

Please help with any ideas to put the mom at ease.

[VegasLee 1,486]

I have seen many post here over the years. "Our sex life is no business of our kids."

 

Since you are not inclined to be truthful with the lady you may just want to turn that around and explain to her that her kids are grown adults and what they do sexually really is not her business any longer either. Ask her if she feels her kids would approve of everything she has done and hid in her life. Once she says NO you have made your point and maybe she will leave it alone.

 

In reality, this is one you just might want to stay away from. Getting in the middle of others family matters normally does not come out well for anyone.

[BiloxiCouple 695]

Just like Lee said.

 

It's no ones business but theirs. My sex life is nobody's business, unless you count my wife

[ratimadan 75]

VegasLee said:

I have seen many post here over the years. "Our sex life is no business of our kids."

 

Since you are not inclined to be truthful with the lady you may just want to turn that around and explain to her that her kids are grown adults and what they do sexually really is not her business any longer either."

 

Good advice. But,

 

Actually, she (mom) is a very attractive lady and hubby would love to fuck her, if we could get the couple J&S to swing and full-swap mates with us.

[ViSexual 1,008]

Well, if they're friends, you could say that you've done some research and found some websites (like this one) that might give her some more insight.

 

Then, while the two of you are discussing the websites it would bring up the subject and you'll get a feel of whether her and her husband might be candidates.

[VegasLee 1,486]

Good advice. But,

 

Actually, she (mom) is a very attractive lady and hubby would love to fuck her, if we could get the couple J&S to swing and full-swap mates with us.

 

So you want to bed down a lady that is already freaking out about the fact that her adult kids are swinging?

 

Not one of the smartest idea's I have ever read in these forums. A bit of common sense needs to come into play here. She turns to you guys as a friend to help and all you can do is think of a way to fuck her. Sounds like she needs to find some new friends.

[The Fuse 1,012]

Actually, she (mom) is a very attractive lady and hubby would love to fuck her, if we could get the couple J&S to swing and full-swap mates with us.

 

From what you have written about her, it sounds to me like if you even HINT at the possibility that you would like to swing with them, you will just confirm all the immoral qualities she ascribes to swingers.

[bbarnsworth 2,637]

Then, while the two of you are discussing the websites it would bring up the subject and you'll get a feel of whether her and her husband might be candidates.

 

They already have a feel for that. It's an emphatic no.

 

Since their kids are swinging, the seed is planted. I think it's unlikely to grow into anything close to swinging. But, there's nothing that ratimadan can do to help that along.

 

I'm with what several other people said. Those parents can't do anything to affect their children's behavior, now that they are adults. Any attempt to do so will have negative consequences. What they can do is decide how they react to it. For instance, they could choose not to babysit grandkids. Babysitting them could enable their daughters to swing. It won't stop them swinging; they'll just find another baby sitter. But, they can choose not to be involved in enabling it. Of course, that means not seeing the grandkids anywhere near as much (assuming there are grandkids).

 

You can't control people. All you can do is manage how you respond to them.

[Alura 2,774]

I think you might point out, not that it's "none of mom's business," but that it's nothing she can do anything about. Why waste time fretting about it?

[bbarnsworth 2,637]

I think this sort of situation highlights a lack of 'need to know'. Parents don't have a need to know that you swing. My mother-in-law is an awesome lady. I'm quite sure she would be pretty receptive to the idea of her daughter and son-in-law being in swinging. It probably wouldn't phase her too much. In fact, she'd probably be happy to babysit the kids, knowing she was doing it so we could go have sex play with others.

 

But, she doesn't have a need to know. We wouldn't gain any benefit from her knowing that we do not enjoy now. Plus, there are potential drawbacks.

 

If my kids get into swinging, I won't have a need to know either. My kids don't have a need to know that I'm a swinger. If we happy to bump into them at a swinger event, we'll of course work it out. If done right, I wouldn't mind my kids being swingers at all, but I also wouldn't want to even accidentally watch them engaged in sex play with someone else. So, we'd have to set some place&date rules. In that situation they'd have a need to know. But otherwise? No need to know.

[xxxboxy 139]

The only reason that I could possibly see to ever know if my kids were swinging would be to be there as a resource for information or advice if needed....and honestly, they probably wouldn't need it or take it anyhow.

[Elena 42]

Goodness! What a mess! I would have to agree with the others and just gently tell her that regardless of her moral beliefs, that her children are grown and married and only accountable of their actions to themselves. Mom has no control over them at this stage in life. Maybe you can tell her that she could sit down and talk with them and let them know her feelings, if she feels inclined, but that she also has to understand this is their lives, not hers. A mother is supposed to love her children unconditionally. That doesn't mean they always have to agree. I wish I had some better words of wisdom, but that's all I have!

 

Edited to add: Also, if she is religious, just tell her to pray for them, but not to judge. Do not judge lest ye be judged yourself. (That is what HH said to add in.)

[ratimadan 75]

From what you have written about her, it sounds to me like if you even HINT at the possibility that you would like to swing with them, you will just confirm all the immoral qualities she ascribes to swingers.

 

Thats why fucking J (the mom) will remain just a harmless dream for hubby. They are a fine couple for socializing but not for swapping mates to have sexual intercourse with.

 

[JustAskJulie 2,595]

I've seen many posts here over the years of folks who DID run into their children at clubs, and I've known (in person) a few couples who have found out that the parents or in-laws swing and vice versa. In those cases, I don't see the issue. Just be out with it and make a plan to avoid each other at events if necessary. But, be honest.

 

THe situation the OP here described was a vanilla couple finding out their children swing. That's another store. And then she comes to a swinger asking for advice on what to tell her kids - that's funny. SO what advice did you give? Personally, had I been in your shoes, my advice would have been "their sex lives really aren't any of your business. But, since you think it's so immoral maybe you should sit them down and give them the litany of things they do that you think are wrong. Is it really risk losing your relationship with your child over proving that you are right and what they are doing is wrong? Or wouldn't it be better to love them anyway and treat them the same?".

[CXXC 435]

THe situation the OP here described was a vanilla couple finding out their children swing. That's another store. And then she comes to a swinger asking for advice on what to tell her kids - that's funny. SO what advice did you give? Personally, had I been in your shoes, my advice would have been "their sex lives really aren't any of your business. But, since you think it's so immoral maybe you should sit them down and give them the litany of things they do that you think are wrong. Is it really risk losing your relationship with your child over proving that you are right and what they are doing is wrong? Or wouldn't it be better to love them anyway and treat them the same?".

 

Goodness Knows that I love you Julie!!! Good reply! I have to agree 100%.

 

Would it bother me to find out my child was a swinger? Probably. But that would end soon as I would have to think, The apple does not fall far from the tree. If my child had a different BF/GF every month, would it make me think aobut his/her sexual activities with each one? Probably not. I would not council my child on their sexual activitiy, I would speak of the need to find the right person. After finding the right person, if that relationship is strong enough (only they will know) to engage in swinging, who am I to council them unless asked for advice. Even then, that would be a very strange situation.

 

I think the most difficult part for me would be making certain we were not at the same parties. I can just imagine the awkwardness. LOL!!!

[bendmeovernow 17]

JustAskJulie said:

I've seen many posts here over the years of folks who DID run into their children at clubs, and I've known (in person) a few couples who have found out that the parents or in-laws swing and vice versa. In those cases, I don't see the issue. Just be out with it and make a plan to avoid each other at events if necessary. But, be honest.

 

Now we have discussed this maybe happening to us when our kids are older and all that. We also have friends that have their kids in the lifestyle too. They just sit down with them and make sure that they don't share the same playmates and or go to the same club that night.. and all is fine. They don't ask or talk about who they went to go see.. or ask for details.... but they also don't tell them how to live either.

 

Now both of our parents know what we do by our choice. I didn't want them finding out some other way and them being shocked or hurt from it so we laid it out on the table. I really wish we didn't now... but hey... when it comes to my MILl... who is close to the same as the 'ohh no.... what do I do ' mom she does things all wrong... trys to control us. My advice would be to tell her they are still her kid(s) and to love them regardless of what they do sexually. Most that are against it are always saying how it's going to kill the marriage and ruin this and that... well in my case it's her that is messing up the marriage, not the swinging. So tell her to love them either way... and just not come over for surprise visits on weekends and or ask for details on friends and all will be fine.

[Additude 457]

Moms seem to always have the hardest time allowing their children grow up and become adults. The Dad has probably already told the mother to just leave them kids alone, it's none of her business.

 

She comes to you with the issue because she didn't hear what she wanted to hear from the Dad.

 

You should stay out of it.

[realcplub2 513]

First off, lets ask the biggest question that came to my mind while reading the ORIGINAL POST

 

What in the hell, A "vanilla" couple finds out thier children are in the lifestyle and they came and asked the OP? Are you out to these people? If so, using terms like Immoral is a great way to win freinds and influence others, Esp in the lifestyle.

 

We all "hear" stories of people running across relatives, and siblings within the lifestyle, even more so in the past 10 yrs. The unbelievable example of parents taking son im laws and daughter in laws to bed well , it might make for good erotica, but in reality, would make for a very uncomfortable family life afterwards.

 

While not sharing Blood, they do share blood ties with these people and as such, lets hope the unique example is a work of fiction.

 

We had suspicions of our son and daughter in law flirting with the lifestyle, but didnt tip our hand. After much discussion we decided to cross that bridge when we came to it. Freinds within the lifestyle told us of thier son and daughter in law being into it as well, they deal with it simply by sharing in advance where they are going so thier paths dont cross.

 

Julie is correct, while today the possiblities are higher, So are the chances that you wont run into each other given the increased avalablity of the clubs.

[ratimadan 75]

THe situation the OP here described was a vanilla couple finding out their children swing. That's another store. And then she comes to a swinger asking for advice on what to tell her kids - that's funny. SO what advice did you give? Personally, had I been in your shoes, my advice would have been "their sex lives really aren't any of your business.

 

Perhaps, that's the way to put it honestly and bluntly, but I would rather not throw fuel on fire! Counceling the wife is beyond our ken. Perhaps, psychological counceling with a sex therapist might help.

 

However, I did point out (when we met and things had cooled off somewhat) very gently, that young adult girls and boys are no longer virgins when they marry. Likely, "your daughters and their hubbies have engaged in sexual intercourse with other males/females prior to marriage". Moreover, I said, swinging and swapping mates with other couples for sexual intercourse is gaining acceptance in the society (no longer a stigma) for couples young and old, and with the younger generation, particularly. What is important is that the young married couples are happy and contented with their social and sexual life. The underlying message: the world has changed and recreational sex for a couple with other partner/s, one is not married to, has gained acceptance and is definitely not considered a "sin".

 

Hopefully, the mother got the message. We have been good vanilla friends with this couple, particularly, us ladies. Not too surprising that she vented her anger, and, it could be that she was looking for some rationale from a good friend she trusts to calm her agitated mind.

 

[bendmeovernow 17]

well clubs or parties are best... then next best is prob the web sites.... SLS or AFF.