Still taking steps, albeit small steps...

[Guest warrencouple]

Today, the wife and I went out to lunch from work, rather than eating in (my idea.) Now, last weekend, we had gone to the "Everything to do with sex" show, and had a good time, as well as said hi (and were remembered by) the host / hostess of the club we had gone to many months back for a meet and greet.

 

Well, after our trip to the show, on the ride back, she had said that in part, because they remembered us, she was thinking about giving going to the club another try, and actually going for an event at the club. I did my best to simply "sit down, shut up, and hang on," and leave her be. For the most part, I succeeded. She did say, yesterday, she had been thinking more about going. But, she got into a "loop" about it. She was thinking it'd be fun and exciting to have sex where people could watch / hear, we'd enjoy it, go to more events, then for my b-day get another woman. And then at that point she'd get upset, as she doesn't feel she could handle seeing me with another woman. She'd then get worked up about how we are (or will be) a no-swap couple, how would others react, would we be "frowned upon?" She'd then just keep going around and around these same thoughts.

 

I told her, that, first, she is setting the pace, if she doesn't want to go, we don't. If she doesn't want to ever swap, we don't. If others "frown" on us for not swapping, f**k 'em. If it leads to us not having a good time, we don't go back.

 

So, that brings us to today. On lunch, she informed me that she does think she wants to go Saturday, but also wanted to let me know that we won't go, if she "has a panic attack." I gave her a line from the seminar from the show, about swinging, when a single female (divorced IIRC) asked about her getting back into swinging, namely, "she has the pussy, she makes the rules." I told her that while I might be disappointed if she changes her mind, I *WILL NOT* get angry / hurt / upset / annoyed.

 

I'm doing my best to try to keep my hopes down (I don't care if we swap, I think we'll have a grand old time just us, and I *WON'T* try to push her into doing anything,) this is kind of my "jumping up and down pumping my fist in the air screaming YEAH!" posting...

 

And now, I will shut up about the weekend, and perhaps, come Sunday (more likely Monday) there will be a new posting in the "Good Swinging Experiences."

 

Or, there will be a "we didn't go after all, such is the way it goes."

 

We shall see.

 

Jason

[Rackir 159]

Good luck Jason, I hope you guys do go and have a wonderful time!

[slevin 1,374]

Glad you guys are still talking and making some plans to have fun together (lifestyle or not).

 

I do take exception to the phrase "she has the pussy, she makes the rules". It's really bullshit to me, in a healthy relationship anyway. A marriage is a team where both the man and the woman have an equal importance. If either person is uncomfortable then you need to stop, talk and reassess. Just because she has a pussy doesn't mean her opinion or desires are any more, or less, important than the guy with the penis. The phrase itself reinforces a commonly held opinion that women can use sex as a tool to control men and relationships. It's very petty, unhealthy and doesn't lead to a very good relationship IMO.

 

Not trying to pick on you with that rant though

[ncmd_couple 597]

Jason,

 

If the two of you go to the club with the only expectation that the two of you are going to have a fun sexy time together, then you will have a fun time no matter what happens. Have fun!

[The Fuse 1,012]

Glad you guys are still talking and making some plans to have fun together (lifestyle or not).

 

I do take exception to the phrase "she has the pussy, she makes the rules". It's really bullshit to me, in a healthy relationship anyway. A marriage is a team where both the man and the woman have an equal importance. If either person is uncomfortable then you need to stop, talk and reassess. Just because she has a pussy doesn't mean her opinion or desires are any more, or less, important than the guy with the penis. The phrase itself reinforces a commonly held opinion that women can use sex as a tool to control men and relationships. It's very petty, unhealthy and doesn't lead to a very good relationship IMO.

 

Not trying to pick on you with that rant though

 

I have to agree with this. warrencouple, I am not trying to pick on you. But it always bugs me when people say this.

 

In my own relationship, Mr. Fuse makes the rules, even though I am the woman. Why? For the simple fact that he is comfortable with much less than I am in the arena of swinging. In most cases, stereotypically, the man is much more eager and happy to swing, go further and do more than the woman. Since the couple can only go at the pace of the one who is less comfortable, the woman ends up setting that pace, i.e. making the rules. It's not always that way, but often enough.

 

So "she who has the pussy makes the rules" annoys me because it is sexist and seems to imply that the man's desires are less important. I think it is also a little patronizing because it tries to give women sort of a power rush just for having female bits. But it also hits close to home because it reminds me that it is decidedly NOT that way in MY home.

 

That being said, I wish the OP all the luck and fun in the world on his journey with his wife. It is great that you are still taking those steps. You seem to be like a cocker spaniel on a leash -- just all over the place and jumping around because you can't wait to do something, anything. I know you are trying your best to rein in your hopes so that your wife doesn't feel like she's being jerked along. Best of luck with that too.

[Guest warrencouple]

I have to agree with this. warrencouple, I am not trying to pick on you. But it always bugs me when people say this.

 

In my own relationship, Mr. Fuse makes the rules, even though I am the woman. Why? For the simple fact that he is comfortable with much less than I am in the arena of swinging. In most cases, stereotypically, the man is much more eager and happy to swing, go further and do more than the woman. Since the couple can only go at the pace of the one who is less comfortable, the woman ends up setting that pace, i.e. making the rules. It's not always that way, but often enough.

 

So "she who has the pussy makes the rules" annoys me because it is sexist and seems to imply that the man's desires are less important. I think it is also a little patronizing because it tries to give women sort of a power rush just for having female bits. But it also hits close to home because it reminds me that it is decidedly NOT that way in MY home.

 

That being said, I wish the OP all the luck and fun in the world on his journey with his wife. It is great that you are still taking those steps. You seem to be like a cocker spaniel on a leash -- just all over the place and jumping around because you can't wait to do something, anything. I know you are trying your best to rein in your hopes so that your wife doesn't feel like she's being jerked along. Best of luck with that too.

 

Thinking back on that, I suppose it is a poor way to phrase things. The truth is, yes, she is the less comfortable, and I'm doing my darndest to let her set the pace, or the "rules" as it were. We are a couple, and generally, we handle everything as a team. I didn't intend for it to be a sexist comment, in the least. Part of what has driven her somewhat nuts through our whole journey, has been she wants to make me happy, and I want to make her happy. She knows that I've had the classic male fantasy of a FMF threesome, but when she thinks about giving me the reality, it touches on her possessive nerve, and she gets nervous / scared / upset. So far, I've managed to leave her be, although today she asked if "I was getting excited about Saturday, too?" As I told her, I'm trying to keep it under control, so if she opts to back out at the last minute, I won't get upset / hurt / angry. Then she asked if I'd heard the "too" in the question (which I had,) and I re-iterated what I had said.

 

As for the cocker spaniel on a leash, I'd think more like a golden retriever / golden lab mix. Go ahead, call me a good puppy, and I'll lick your face off!

 

Jason

[slevin 1,374]

So far, I've managed to leave her be, although today she asked if "I was getting excited about Saturday, too?" As I told her, I'm trying to keep it under control, so if she opts to back out at the last minute, I won't get upset / hurt / angry. Then she asked if I'd heard the "too" in the question (which I had,) and I re-iterated what I had said.

 

I sure hope this doesn't come across as picking on you, I'm a bit worried it might after my earlier rant lol, this is intended as some coaching; as I see the situation.

 

She lobbed the ball at you in a very feminine way and you used masculine logic to try and abate the concerns you think she might have and step around the potential minefields that your eagerness to have some fun may have created. When I see that question she asked you I see a woman looking to share her emotions with you; looking to have her emotions validated and amplified. It was an opportunity to be playful with her:

 

Her: are you getting excited about Saturday, too?

You: Too? You're excited already? Let me check, (pull her in, bite her neck, pull her hair, push your hand down the front of her pants)

You: My god, you are extremely excite. I think we have to do something about this right now. You're making me excited!

 

Pick her up and take her off to bed, make sure to talk dirty to her about the kinds of things you'd already discussed doing at the club. Resist the urge to talk about things you want to do in the future and stick to what you agreed were your limits for this trip.

 

When I looked at that my first thought was that she was nervous, looking for some validation that it was ok to be excited, that you were excited too. Reward her opening up with some physical contact and playfulness. Logic isn't fun After that you can talk openly and honestly about going. Reassure her that you're excited about it too, but that you don't care if plans end up changing. Reward and enjoy her femininity first, then you can reassure her.

 

Of course you know her far better than I do from the snippets I see on her. Take or leave my advice; it's just my reaction to seeing that tidbit.

[Guest warrencouple]

slevin said:

I sure hope this doesn't come across as picking on you, I'm a bit worried it might after my earlier rant lol, this is intended as some coaching; as I see the situation.

 

Nope, I don't see any of this as being "picked on," if I wanted that, I'd go back to high school...

 

I see this as exactly what I would expect, people trying to help out someone who (to an extent) came here looking for advice / suggestions / help. And, I appreciate it. I don't always take the advice that's given, but then, who takes all the advice they're given?

 

As for missing the opportunity to validate and amplify her emotions for the weekend, yeah, thinking back on it, I like your idea. But, let it never be said that I can't be dumb as a box of lead rocks, and twice as dense..

 

Jason

[slevin 1,374]

But, let it never be said that I can't be dumb as a box of lead rocks, and twice as dense...

 

Yeah, you're not the only one lol. Sometimes its easier to see the opportunity in others situations than your own in the moment I know I do a facedesk more often than I'd like after looking back on something that just happened and my reaction to it

[Karmickiss 28]

Hi All,

I've enjoyed this thread. I really liked what slevin said....I feel like he was right on target. I can't speak for anyone else, of course, but I know that if I had said something like that....that I'd be looking for the emotional validation as well, if I approacehd it like that.

 

I hope this doesn't come across as sexist, either, but I do feel there's that fundamental difference, (of course, always exceptions to the rules, I'm sure) with the female vs male minds. Very often, it seems, and I can say as I female, I do this a lot....I want to share feelings. I want to just talk, and feel like I'm heard. If I was asking directly for an opinion or answer, I'd be direct about it...but so often, it seems there's a misfire of communication in these situations. The "man" usually wants to offer the "solution"..and reply with logical answers...and then be baffled about the possible response(s) from the woman, who, at least for me, I'd be trying to 'just talk' about something. Many times, if I'm sharing feelings or making open eneded comments, I'm looking for shared feelings...not so much an answer..but to see if he is in tune with what I'm saying/implying. In this case, if I said that, I'd be looking for some reassurance and shared feelings, and I just think slevin had great insight,... and if I was dealt with in that fashion, I would feel validated, and closer. Also maybe allowing myself to actually feel like it's safe to get excited about it, b/c of the feeling that part of the thrill is getting closer as a couple.

 

In any event, I am truly hoping for the best outcome for both of you! It seems you have a nice sense of humor, and thank you for sharing with us. It shows a certain something to be able to come here, make yourself open to hearing others, and then apply things when and if it fits. I'm hoping to hear more as it goes...and again...best of luck to you both... Sincerely, karmic

[Guest warrencouple]

Mrs. WarrenCouple here. Actually, Slevin, in all honesty, when I asked Jason if he was excited, too, I was just wanting him to know that I'm looking forward to going. I've been the uncertain one this entire time and I wanted to let him know that that uncertainty is (mostly) behind me. Yes, there is still the possibility that I'll have a 'panic attack' and back out of going but, as I told him this evening, it's a small possibility. Even if we don't get as far as going upstairs to one of the semi-private rooms and playing together, we're going to still have a good time.

[The Fuse 1,012]

Hello Mrs. warrencouple! Welcome and thanks for posting -- great to hear from you!

 

From what your husband wrote, it sounded exactly like you just said -- you wanted him to know you were excited too. I hope you both have a great time at the club. Don't put any pressure on yourself. Just going and socializing in the atmosphere of a club is a blast.

[Guest warrencouple]

So, we're finally getting ourselves going this AM, me to be on standby in case a co-worker needs help at a clients, her to get her hair done, pick some things up from the grocery store.

 

We take a little time to trim her bush back, before shaving in the shower, and once we've pretty much completed the trimming, I bring up one of the things I'd like to do with her tonight...

 

She cuddles up close, and tells me she's getting nervous, and thinking about not going. I tell her if she doesn't want to, that's fine, it'll be OK. We've not signed up yet, so I make the suggestion she think about it, and think about the part that she said yesterday was 90% for going. But, regardless, it's going to be her choice if we do or don't go, and either way, I'll be OK with it. Disappointed some, sure, but that's it. So, we'll see what happens. I'm going to go take care of the dishes like she asked, and then I think I'll put the satin sheets on the bed, for tonight.

 

Jason

[N8ture Girl 318]

Looking forward to hearing from you two...did you two go? Inquiring minds want to know

 

I hope you did go. If you didn't, I have a question for you, but will wait to ask...

[Guest warrencouple]

Well, here's what more-or-less happened the other night...

 

You know that look you get from your dog, when you tell him he's going for a walk, he gets all excited, jumping around, dancing and prancing, darting for the door, looking back at you like what the heck is taking so long let's go for a WALK!

 

Then you decide not to, and the dog looks at you like, "but what did I DO?"

 

It was kind of like that.

 

Yes, we "failed to launch" again.

 

We went to the cider mill, got home around 6:30 or so, both kind of tired. She had called the club earlier in the day, to see about getting on the guest list, but hadn't heard back, and I was to call when we got home. We got home, I asked if she wanted to go, she was not sure, she just wanted to take a nap. I suggested we both take a nap, set an alarm on my phone for 8:00pm. I woke up shortly before it was to go off, she was also sort of awake, and I again asked if she wanted to go. She stated she just wanted to go back to sleep, and if I wanted to call, call. When I asked if she still wanted to go, her answer was she didn't know. As I am doing my best to let her set the pace, I opted to not call.

 

Which brings us to the bad part of the night.

 

I was disappointed, but I also unfortunately got sort of angry. I went in on my computer, she stayed out in the living room. Later in the evening, she had come in to see how I was, we went back out to the living room, sat on the couch, cuddled up, and talked. She was upset, both because she knew I was upset, and because she hadn't been able to decide if she still wanted to go, or not. She was talking about dropping the idea, maybe it just isn't for us. I told her, it was up to her, she knew what I wanted. Most important, we didn't go to bed mad.

 

The next morning (Sunday) we talked some more. After some discussion, she talked about just outright registering for an event on the site, and *going.* We talked a bit more about this, and decided we're going to give this a go. Signed up after breakfast for the weekend of the 24th. I also made the suggestion to her, that rather than saying "if we go," when talking about it, we only use "when we go." She agreed with this.

 

I think, possibly, part of the problem is, as I've commented, we're both "homebodies," we don't often go out with people, or to meet people. So, in part, I think, she gets nervous about going somewhere we don't know *anyone,* and the thought of her and I having sex heightens the anxiety. This despite my telling her, we don't have to DO anything. I think it's one of those, she knows it in her head, but her gut hasn't read the memo.

 

We did stick with the rest of our plans for this weekend, went up to Port Huron, stayed in a hotel on the river, had a lovely romantic evening (we'd both forgotten how nice a massage feels from the other)

 

We'll just have to see what happens...

 

Jason

[CXXC 435]

Jason

 

I am sure I am not alone in saying that I fully understand your frustration! What I want to say, more than anything else is, you are doing the right thing. Let her be your compass. You can only suggest and even then you must be careful not to push too much.

 

Your wife has the notion, as do most, that by going, she will be expected to behave in a certain way. She may not be comfortable with that expectation. Mrs. CXXC had many reservations about going to a club or house party as she had it in her head that as soon as she got through the door, she would be expected to play with people.

 

Your task, if I recall you are a task oriented person (sow me a man who is not) is to ease these concerns. You simply have to reassure her of:

 

1. She calls the shots as to what she does and does not do!

 

2. She makes the decisions with whom she does what.

 

3. You support her 100% in her decisions.

 

4. There are no expectations upon her but those she places upon herself. Even those are not written in stone!

 

5. You love her and even though you get frustrated, you understand what she is feeling!

 

6. At no time will you EVER let her be forced or badgered into doing something she is uncomfortable with.

 

7. Your excitement in the ideas of going to a club, event, party or various lifestyle function is second to her feelings and concerns.

 

8. She is your first priority in the LS and all things outside of the LS.

 

9. You do and will always respect her decisions to move forward or not.

 

10. She has the right and ability to call ANYTHING off up to the last second and even during. (This may make some people upset if she pulls back int he middle of the activities, but it is her well being that is most important. Remember, NO means NO!)

 

That's what Mrs. CXXC and I have lived by. Like I said, she too had some BIG concerns about expectations and anxiety. It kept her from actually enjoying herself a couple times. Once this conversation was held and the proof was shown, she relaxed and now has an absolutely GREAT time, whether we play with each other or with others or not at all!

 

Things that you may think of doing for now:

 

1. BREATH! If it is to happen, it will. It will NEVER be in your time frame, so just relax and enjoy the closeness, openness and communication you both have.

 

2. Keep a journal of your thoughts and feeling. go back and read it after a week or two. You may see a pattern that you can actually work on and change to your advantage. By knowing yourself, you will be better placed to understand others.

 

3. Don't think about it. I know that is difficult, but, now that you have signed up for the event, just let it come. Sure, you will want to discuss every detail and possible activity, but this too may cause her some anxiety. Just let it go for a while.

 

4. If you must discuss the Life Style, agree upon a time and place. When she knows that she is not going to be surprised at any possible turn to discuss the LS, she may feel better about the topic as well. Also, having a set time to discuss it will enable her to mull the thoughts over and prepare them for conversation. Her thoughts and concerns will be better formatted for conversation. As for the place, make sure it is somewhere of her choosing.

 

5. Again, as you have been, be open and honest with your communication. But remember, this is a BIG undertaking to some. You may find, after you have taken that step, she does not like it at all. Be prepared for any and all outcomes. You know, Hope for the best, prepare for the worst!

 

You are doing the right things. I respect what you and she are going through. Just remember, as my grandfather always said, "What is a good idea in August is just as good in March!" Take your time, relax and enjoy the ride.

 

Ok, that one was more like .20 worth. What is my tab up to now?

[Learning 160]

We are totally new too. I'm Mrs. Learning and we are learning. Mr. Learning is being so patient we me. We've been able to go slow but it's almost like too slow because I feel like we take two steps forward two steps back. If that makes any sense.

 

I can say that almost every time we have hit a party, I totally freak out. We are talking huge panic attack, etc. So I totally see where Mrs. Warren is coming from.

 

Everything that we have attend yet people are terrific. No pressure whatsoever. We have just gone to watch and talk at events so far. We're upfront with our intentions so far. Nothing but positive interactions so far. My biggest fear initially was that people would expect us to do things and we haven't encountered that yet. The only thing about us that is driving me a tad crazy that neither one of us are aggressive enough so I wonder if we'll every get anywhere.

 

If you two want to chat at all feel free to send a message. We are in MI too.

[N8ture Girl 318]

Jason, I feel your frustration and was bummed when I read you two didnt go. I am all for taking it slow and letting her set the pace. But.....I think she needs to take a step. Seems like she is just treading water and not going anywere. If she isnt ready to take that step then thats fine but I dont think its fair to keep making plans to go and backing out for some reason at the last minute. If she isnt ready then dont make plans to go. Its only setting you up for dissapointment, which over time could lead to resentment. I can almost bet that if you two do go, she will come away at the end of the night wondering why she was so afraid to go in the first place.

 

Good luck, thanks for keeping us posted!

[Chicup 41]

If you only stay in your comfort zone, you never experience something new.

[slevin 1,374]

I think, and expect mrs warren to disagree with me here, that she subconsciously wants you to make things happen. Often a very feminine woman wants the man to be making things happen, taking action, leading things etc. The fact that she made sure you knew she was excited too (which I still think was also motivated by wanting to share those emotions, validate them etc.) combined with her passively leaving it up to you leads me to believe that she needs you to be leading. I'm not suggesting to lead her into anything she isn't ready for, but to lead her into the things she is ready for and help her push her comfort zone. Although, this would mean pushing your comfort zone as well. I get the impression that as excited as you are, you're also ok with her backing out because it lets you off the hook for pushing your comfort zone as well. As sexist as this might sound, often it is the responsibility of the men to put aside their discomfort and take the lead confidently It's awesome when women display that kind of confidence, I find that incredibly sexy, but it's not always going to happen that way.

 

Something to think about anyway. Glad you guys are continuing to communicate with each other and I hope you both figure things out and do what works for both of you.

[Guest warrencouple]

Well, starting from the top of the comments:

 

CXXC: Thank you again for some excellent advice, for us to think about. You are a fount of wisdom in a desert! As for your tab, at this point, I think I owe you around $1.50, if we take the going rate of .02

 

Learning: Thanks, it's nice to know we're not the only ones in this sort of situation.

 

N8ture Girl: Thanks for the thoughts. We've already been at least a little ways down the resentment road, which really threw a scare into both of us. Happily, we were able to back out of the road before it got too steep...

 

Chicup: Short, to the point, I like it!

 

Slevin: We did decide that next time, we're not backing out, but, yes, I think I might need to be the one to "enforce" that decision. As for how far outside our comfort zone we're going, our first visit to the club, for a M&G, we nearly backed out at the door.

 

So, to everyone, thank you again, for all the support. I do realize that to an extent, we're probably sounding like one of those couples that could be an atomic drama bomb waiting to go off. Hopefully, by our listening to everyone here, we'll defuse that bomb in advance.

 

Thanks again, to everyone!

Jason

[ncmd_couple 597]

Jason,

 

Ya' know, going to an on-premise club or M & G isn't a death sentence. As a new couple, yes, the two of you will be approached, but only in a very polite way. Or at least that was our experience. You aren't going to have some couple come up to you and say "your wife is hot, I want to fuck her!" You two are creating fears and concerns that quite honestly just don't exist. Yes, you two are going to see some things that are off the chart compared to having a couple of beers at your local club. But you will not be "required" to participate!

 

GO Damn it! If you two are nervous, then just politely tell people that it is your first night there and they will leave ya' alone to explore. You two are going to be laughing your asses off at yourselves for all of the things that you feared that never happened. If you don't go, we will be slapping our foreheads yelling "Arrrgh!" And you two will never know what ya' missed.

[Learning 160]

Maybe a M&G is the way to go in a way because there is zero pressure. You have a one weekend before the club so make it useful. Heck it's a bar/dancing format and no expectations whatsoever. Or even a smaller sized party. Just try to keep your emotions in check because she may have more anxiety no more than ever, especially if she feels like shE has diappointed you. Taking the lead, being a supportive husband will help. Talk her through the anxiety use cheerleading statements can really help.

[exploringRM 305]

One common thread I've seen in your posts about going to a club is that you seem to always try to fit it into an already busy day/schedule. On days we plan to hit the club I try to make sure it's not packed as it's so easy to feel tired and want to stay home. If there is apprehension about going it seem to make it all the easier for Mrs, Warren not to go.

 

Since you have stated you really are not interested in any type of swapping...what is the big hurdle about going to the club? The people will most likely be nice, you won't be pressured into anything and from our early club experience you may not even interact with people beyond being in the middle of a sexy crowd on the dance floor. Are there too many expectations on what will occur there? All you should expect is to go, get through the door and have fun night. Don't worry about what happens when you get there.

[SheLovesTheSun 40]

It's good that you're taking it slow and easy. This definitely not one of those 'rush into the moment' kind of things. Well, not for everyone, anyway!

[Guest warrencouple]

Time for an update...

 

So far, so good, but we may have a potential roadblock, to the upcoming weekend. She checked, and sometime this week, she is likely to start her period. So, we've made a decision. If she's not started, we'll go; if she's finished, we'll go; if she's in the middle of the period, we'll push back a week, and go for the Friday Halloween event.

 

Just one of those things.

 

Jason

[Elena 42]

Ahhh. The joys of being a female. Some women, and men, don't care about that. I for one do. LOL So I think you have a solid plan. Here is to hoping it works out that you are able to go!

[The Fuse 1,012]

Time for an update...

 

So far, so good, but we may have a potential roadblock, to the upcoming weekend. She checked, and sometime this week, she is likely to start her period. So, we've made a decision. If she's not started, we'll go; if she's finished, we'll go; if she's in the middle of the period, we'll push back a week, and go for the Friday Halloween event.

 

Just one of those things.

 

Jason

 

You know, you may want to rethink that strategy. "She is having her period" is a good way to eliminate any internal pressure Mrs. W may be putting on herself, and declare that you are just there to see the scene.

[Guest warrencouple]

You know, you may want to rethink that strategy. "She is having her period" is a good way to eliminate any internal pressure Mrs. W may be putting on herself, and declare that you are just there to see the scene.

 

True, and we're not entirely taking going off the table if she is having her period, partly for that reason. But I think also, some of her excitement (and nerves) is due to *wanting* to use the play areas.

 

So, we're going to see how things shake out this weekend, and take it as it comes.

 

She is one of those women that sometimes gets really bad cramps, so if it's one of those, we're staying home...

 

Jason

[Elena 42]

Very good point! I hadn't thought of it that way. It would be a way to go and not be under any pressure to play because, well, she can't. Good thinking Fuse!

[SW_PA_Couple 4,024]

The Fuse said:

You know, you may want to rethink that strategy. "She is having her period" is a good way to eliminate any internal pressure Mrs. W may be putting on herself, and declare that you are just there to see the scene.

You have said it so much better than I could have.

 

Jason, buddy, make no implication that she is responsible for determining the outcome of a plan based upon the timely or untimely arrival of the monthly visitor.

[Guest warrencouple]

SW_PA_Couple said:

You have said it so much better than I could have.

 

Jason, buddy, make no implication that she is responsible for determining the outcome of a plan based upon the timely or untimely arrival of the monthly visitor.

 

Nope, no implication, actually, I'm the one that thought of it, and asked...

 

I *KNOW* she has no control over when it happens, it's going to be every 3 weeks (roughly, and yes, I know being on birth control can allow a woman to "shift" her period some, but she's not on BC {I'm fixed:D}) Expecting her to "hold off" on having a period in order to avoid going would be like expecting someone to "hold off" on having a heartbeat to avoid a Drs visit. It just ain't gonna happen.

 

When we talked about it, we did discuss possibly going, regardless, so we'll see what happens.

 

Jason

[SW_PA_Couple 4,024]

. . . When we talked about it, we did discuss possibly going, regardless, so we'll see what happens. . .

Should be an excellent experience for both of you.

[ncmd_couple 597]

The Fuse said:

You know, you may want to rethink that strategy. "She is having her period" is a good way to eliminate any internal pressure Mrs. W may be putting on herself, and declare that you are just there to see the scene.

 

I was just going to say the same thing as Mrs. Fuse did. Going to a club is a lot of fun. It may bench ya', but damn it is a lot of fun anyway! And it will give you an exposure where there is zero pressure.

[ALilOEverything 901]

I remember my first time planning on going to a meet and greet. I wasn't very nervous all week but when it came to the day of I was really really nervous. I remember that I came up with excuses all day why we shouldn't go, but then talk myself back into it again. Coincidently I started my period that afternoon and then I totally talked myself out of it again, as if it was a sign that it just wasn't meant to be. Later on I felt that there will always be a reason not to go but if we really want to explore this new world then we just need to make it work. We went anyway and ended up having an awesome time, I'm so glad I made that first leap. The hardest part is just walking in the door. After that I think it's easy, then you just go with the flow. I'm sure I've never been to the club you've been to before, when you do finally go I really want to hear all about it since it can't be too far away.

[slevin 1,374]

I would cut out the wishy washy "we go if X, we'll say home if Y, we'll think about it if Z". Make a decision and go with it. In this case, personally, I'd make the call that we aren't going to go this weekend and we'll go for halloween.

 

Decisive is good in a case like this.

[Guest warrencouple]

I would cut out the wishy washy "we go if X, we'll say home if Y, we'll think about it if Z". Make a decision and go with it. In this case, personally, I'd make the call that we aren't going to go this weekend and we'll go for halloween.

 

Decisive is good in a case like this.

 

You're right!

 

We should make a decision!!

 

Or maybe, we should think about it...

;)

 

Jason

[slevin 1,374]

You're right!

 

We should make a decision!!

 

Or maybe, we should think about it...

;)

 

Jason

 

Hahaha, either way; have fun

[Guest warrencouple]

And now, prof positive I have a mind like a steel trap.....door.

 

I mentioned the comments here suggesting we go, regardless, and she reminded me that we had already talked about doing just that, unless she's on a "gawd it sucks being a girl i just wanna DIE" periods.

 

Jason

[Guest warrencouple]

Well, before anyone asks how tonight went, and did we go, I figure I'll let everyone know...

 

We didn't go. Not due to an overplanned day, or due to one or the other of us feeling under the weather, but just because, we were feeling lazy, and didn't feel like going out.

 

I think, and she agrees, part of it too, we were both up until around 3am last night (Friday,) and I got up at 9am today (dog wanted out, and I was mostly awake) We bailed on going to visit my Grandma today (she didn't know we were coming,) and really didn't get going until almost 4pm. We wanted to run out to the bookstore, had a 30% off coupon each, plus we had to get gas. By the time we got home from that, and dinner (went out by the bookstore,) it was already 7pm. I tried (sort of) to doze on the couch, and failed.

 

We talked about it, we're (again, go ahead and razz us:D) booked for the Friday night party this week, Halloween party. I figure, sure, we'll have been at work all day, but:

 

1. It's Friday, which tends to be slow, and very non-stressful at work

2. The company is doing their birthday week, and Fridays for those tend to have the afternoon as a party

3. We'll have gone to bed by a reasonable hour on Thursday

4. We're used to staying up late on Friday nights, so no big deal to stay up next Friday

 

Could some of this be nerves? Undoubtedly, on both our parts. I think, possibly, if we were meeting friends there, we'd go, as we dislike canceling on friends. Of course, right now, all of our friends in the lifestyle are here...

 

And, we move the foot forward another millimeter...

Jason

[CXXC 435]

And, we move the foot forward another millimeter...

Jason

 

Jason

Are you sure you are not dealing with a little Zeno's Paradox here?

 

All kidding aside, TAKE YOUR TIME! The lifestyle will be here for you both when and if you are ready!

 

Good luck.

 

Oh! And come to GA!!!!

[Guest warrencouple]

Jason

Are you sure you are not dealing with a little Zeno's Paradox here?

 

All kidding aside, TAKE YOUR TIME! The lifestyle will be here for you both when and if you are ready!

 

Good luck.

 

Oh! And come to GA!!!!

 

No, because we all know that eventually Achilles *will* overtake the tortoise! (OK, I had to look this up, I admit it...)

 

As for the taking our time, we are. We both do want to give it a go, at least getting to the club, but overcoming our innate shyness (which I think is part of why we back out so willingly) is tough...

 

As for coming to GA, I might look at if the wofe would want to head that way either early May, or late July. Why those particular months? May for Atlantis lifting off from KSC for the ISS, and July for Endeavour. Yes, we're both space nuts.

 

Putting one foot in front of the other, slowly

Jason

[ALilOEverything 901]

I'll be in Lansing at the Cap City party Sat night for their Halloween party if you wanted someone to come and have someone take you under their wing. Sometimes just knowing you'll have someone to talk to helps a lot and even though it will be my first time at their party I'm getting to know people and could introduce you around so you can get a feel for it. It's not an on premise but it is a hotel takeover so it might be a little less intimidating. We are the kind of people who try to make friends with everyone, even if they aren't potential play partners since it's also about a fun night out.

[CXXC 435]

I think, possibly, if we were meeting friends there, we'd go, as we dislike canceling on friends. Of course, right now, all of our friends in the lifestyle are here...

 

Jason

Unfortunately, even if you have made fast and close friends here on the boards, they are completely different than real live flesh and blood human beings. Perhaps, and this is only a suggestion, you would do well to meet a couple withion the lifestyle, in person. generate a friendship with them. Do nothing more than get to know each other personally. THEN plan a trip to a club with them. That way, you have a set of friends to meet and will be hesitant to not show up!

 

just another .02 for you!

[Guest warrencouple]

Jason

Unfortunately, even if you have made fast and close friends here on the boards, they are completely different than real live flesh and blood human beings. Perhaps, and this is only a suggestion, you would do well to meet a couple withion the lifestyle, in person. generate a friendship with them. Do nothing more than get to know each other personally. THEN plan a trip to a club with them. That way, you have a set of friends to meet and will be hesitant to not show up!

 

just another .02 for you!

 

True. I know, using myself as an example, I think (could be wrong!) that on forums (here and elsewhere) I come across as at least mildly amusing, possibly even funny from time to time, erudite, and outgoing.

 

When, in truth, in real life, I'm not funny (at least not intentionally, I couldn't come up with a new joke to save my life;) I'm not exactly "learned," except in a very narrow focus; and, as I've said, I am more introverted than anything...

 

So yes, I can see the advantages of meeting a couple first, getting to know them (and not in a carnal "know") first, and then going to a club with them. But, that brings us back to the previous paragraph, plus one. While I have less issue with meeting someone, say for example ALilOEverything at a restaurant, the wofe seems less comfortable meeting someone from over the internet. Not to say I wouldn't be nervous doing the same, but I'm a little more willing, I think. So, the overall issue becomes one of, getting acquainted with someone in the lifestyle, to "chaperon" us to a club, but we don't know anyone who is in the lifestyle, so we'd need to go to a club (meet and greet falls into this definition of club) to meet people. And the merry-go-round goes round-and-round...

 

BTW, not that wasn't a frustrated sentence, just an analogy.

 

I've suggested to the wofe, the possibility of heading over to Lansing for the Capitol City meet, if nothing else, we could say hi to ALilOEverything. Even if we don't hit it off with them, there'd be one point in common. We're both on here. Of course, that's if I can talk her into the 1.5 hour drive, each way. Probably wouldn't stay the night, as we'd have to find someone to let the dog out, and I can just see explaining why...

 

Jason

[CXXC 435]

Jason

You have forced my hand! I make a trip to Michigan once every three years or so to see friends within the Vanilla community. The next trip I make, within the next year, I am going to make a special trip to see you two!

 

Being introverted is not a bad thing. In fact, I have several friends who are. I take great joy in watching them come out of their shells every once in a while. When they poke their heads out, see that the world of socialization is not such a terrible thing, they actually start to look forward to that situation again. The down side is, every social situation is different. You will never find the same dynamic at the next party, even if the same people were present.

 

Perhaps you and the Mrs. should start by going to vanilla clubs once in a while to socialize a bit. Once you have that pattern down, make an attempt at stepping into a M&G.

 

Again, just my .02. I should warn you, I have a HUGE piggy bank here of pennies, nickles and dimes!

[xxxboxy 139]

OK, I've read this thread with a good deal of interest and now I'm going to chime in with my two cents.

 

Just go. That's all there is to it. You do not commit yourself to anything by going, you don't have to play, you don't have to participate. This nibbling around the edges just isn't healthy IMO, giving up, changing your mind, backing out etc becomes a habit...even when you know better you'll still rationalize all kinds of stuff to explain why you didn't just do it...like having to explain to someone why you need them to let your dog out. The explanation isn't difficult, we went to a party, we went to an event, we went to a show...we want a night away....

 

You either need to step off the edge and into the pool or just walk away and stop worrying about drowning. Just fucking go to a club or a party or meet someone off of the internet, the worst that can happen is you don't like it, BFD I bet you do things every single day that you don't like and yet you still survive the experience.

[ALilOEverything 901]

I've suggested to the wofe, the possibility of heading over to Lansing for the Capitol City meet, if nothing else, we could say hi to ALilOEverything. Even if we don't hit it off with them, there'd be one point in common. We're both on here.

Jason

 

Well we'll be there if you decide just let us know, it seriously helps to have someone show you around and introduce you to people. It's a 2 hour drive for us but knowing people familiar with their parties it sounds like it will be a good time. Lots of dancing and socializing. Lots of fun costumes to see! This will only be my second time at one of these kind of parties but the one I went to a few weeks ago was a ton of fun!

[exploringRM 305]

OK, I've read this thread with a good deal of interest and now I'm going to chime in with my two cents.

 

Just go. That's all there is to it. You do not commit yourself to anything by going, you don't have to play, you don't have to participate. This nibbling around the edges just isn't healthy IMO, giving up, changing your mind, backing out etc becomes a habit...even when you know better you'll still rationalize all kinds of stuff to explain why you didn't just do it...like having to explain to someone why you need them to let your dog out. The explanation isn't difficult, we went to a party, we went to an event, we went to a show...we want a night away....

 

You either need to step off the edge and into the pool or just walk away and stop worrying about drowning. Just fucking go to a club or a party or meet someone off of the internet, the worst that can happen is you don't like it, BFD I bet you do things every single day that you don't like and yet you still survive the experience.

 

Nicely worded (cept for the f-bomb..didn't notice that the first time!) I actually composed a similar reply to this thread (twice) but just could not find the right words to be realistic and firm, without sounding critical!

[CXXC 435]

You either need to step off the edge and into the pool or just walk away and stop worrying about drowning. Just fucking go to a club or a party or meet someone off of the internet, the worst that can happen is you don't like it, BFD I bet you do things every single day that you don't like and yet you still survive the experience.

 

xxxboxy

I dont think that will work for Jason or his bride. Most people have ways of doing things that are comfy and regular to them. This does not make their way good or bad. It is just THEIR WAY!

 

Certainly they have had to do things that they didnt like in their lives. It is, however, my bet that these things were necessities or essential activities within their lives. The lifestyle is, in no way, necessary for them. If anything, it is a fantasy that they have not become fully comfortable with realizing.

 

They are showing remarkable strenght and even greater communication between themselves. Their frustrations with themselves have been disolved through open communication, honesty and with the love they share.

 

As a fellow reader of Jason's posts, I can understand your frustration as it would pertain to you and your situation. You would just jump in with both feet and not think twice. You and your SO have or had little reservation in moving forward. FORTUNATELY, we are all different in our comfort levels. What makes up tick cannot make them tock.

 

Jason and his wife are dancing to a slwer beat than some. They should waltz as long as they need. When they decide to step up the tempo in their dance, they may realize they should have been doing the jitter bug all along! But that is for them to decide.