should 1st experience be a man from wife's past?

[noobie 15]

Hello all

 

this is my 1st post here and im looking for advice

 

 

1st off a little about us,we met online,mid 40's,and this friday will be our 10th wedding anniversary,we have discussed MFM encounters over the last yr or so,but it was more a"sex talk topic" recently we have discussed it outside the bedroom so to speak and its quite interesting to say the least.

 

A little more about my wife,she has done this before in her previous marriage but it was in my eyes from our discussions that she did it because she was trying to please her ex,as she thought this would hold her marriage together

 

So now it is my fantasy for the MFM,and from reading posts here i do have the same thoughts ie jealousy,performance etc etc but that is something i need to control and pretty sure i can.

 

now the question arose as to who would be the other man,and she suggested a man from her past with her ex,i do know him and he is a nice guy,but thru our discussions of her past acts to me it sounded like she did it for all the wrong reasons ie "to keep the marriage alive" and she always said it made her feel "dirty" as there were many guys that her ex brought in over the years

 

I have no problem with this other guy but my question is" would he be the right choice for our 1st encounter?"

 

I am trying to see it from her point which is she would be more comfortable with someone who she has done this with before and that makes sence to me,but would it bring her past to light and make her have that "dirty" feeling again as that is the last thing i want her to feel

 

sorry for the long post as im not very good with the written word,

 

thanx in advance for any replys

[xxxboxy 139]

I would say no.

[PB&J 1,086]

I would DEFINITELY say no. If she was doing it with her ex for the wrong reasons, and felt dirty about it then, why would you bring him back into her sex life? There are lots of great men out there who would be willing to help you with this fantasy.

 

Hopefully, this time around it is HER fantasy too, although you just say "So now it is my fantasy for the MFM". If she did it last time to keep her marriage alive, and it made her feel dirty, it might be hard for her to overcome those negative associations. Make sure this is something you both really want to do, and if so, FOR SURE start with a clean slate and a new guy.

 

Ooops! I didn't read carefully enough. I thought you were referring to bringing her ex into it. Sorry. Yes, someone she's played with before might work. But seriously consider someone new.

[ncmd_couple 597]

Noobie,

 

Welcome to the Swinger's Board! I'm not going to say yes or no to this, because the actual answer is, "It depends."

 

Our first MFM experience was with a previous lover of L's. I had met him and he was a nice guy. The experience was great for all concerned. Having said that, the reason that it went well was because she chose him. So, if she chooses the guy and is comfortable with him, and has had sex with him before, it can be a good thing.

 

This is something that the two of you need to discuss between the two of you. It is possible that she had a good experience with this guy, that the problem was with her ex-husband. Let her know that you are concerned that you will feel "dirty" and let her know that are putting her first in this.

 

Does she have a former lover, after her divorce, but before the two of you met, that she would want to bring into your bedroom? Someone who does not have any attachment to the past experiences?

 

S

[SecretAsianMan 348]

I would recommend a totally "fresh" start with a whole new guy - someone y'all can totally disassociate with if it doesn't go well (or someone y'all can develop a good friendship/relationship with if it does go well).

 

Old lovers can bring up baggage from the past - and it doesn't sound like she had the greatest of past experiences with these guys. But talk it over with her... find out how she wants to handle this & what she (and you'd) be most comfortable with.

[CXXC 435]

A Resounding No!!!

[bbarnsworth 2,653]

Chime in with agreement with all the above. No.

 

This has been discussed before here, though I'm not sure where the threads are. The usual consensus on this sort of idea is no. There are PLENTY of single males available in the life style. It might take some work to find the right one, but there's plenty of opportunity there that you don't have to use someone from the past for this.

 

Start fresh.

[LFM2 1,482]

I have to echo what the others have said.

 

If I were going to start swinging with a new guy, regardless if I swung in the past, I think it would not only be wise, but also fair (being fair another discussion) if we chose a new man for the occasion. Someone we both met and agreed upon and were comfortable with.

[Elena 42]

I am mixed on this. I understand people saying flat out NO, and to find someone else. However, this is someone she has had a sexual relationship with in the past, not an emotional relationship. I can understand her being more comfortable with him. Also, the OP stated that he has met this gentleman and likes him, so that is a plus. They have been married 10 years and are secure in their marriage. I think he needs to really think about what his wife is saying. If she can truly convince him that for this step, this gentleman is the right choice, then he has to believe that she knows what she is talking about. Also, from what I am understanding, it wasn't really the men that were making her feel dirty, but moreso the fact that she was doing it more for her husband than for herself. Now she is wanting to do it for herself and for "fun", not to save this marriage. If the gentleman in particular made her feel "dirty", she would not have mentioned him as a possible candidate. Just my .02 cents!

[Swing*8701 887]

Okay , this is YOUR fantasy. But is it HERS ?

[Chicup 42]

I am mixed on this. I understand people saying flat out NO, and to find someone else. However, this is someone she has had a sexual relationship with in the past, not an emotional relationship. I can understand her being more comfortable with him. Also, the OP stated that he has met this gentleman and likes him, so that is a plus. They have been married 10 years and are secure in their marriage. I think he needs to really think about what his wife is saying. If she can truly convince him that for this step, this gentleman is the right choice, then he has to believe that she knows what she is talking about. Also, from what I am understanding, it wasn't really the men that were making her feel dirty, but moreso the fact that she was doing it more for her husband than for herself. Now she is wanting to do it for herself and for "fun", not to save this marriage. If the gentleman in particular made her feel "dirty", she would not have mentioned him as a possible candidate. Just my .02 cents!

 

Yea my first reaction was NO too, but what you are saying is should it be with another swing partner NOT an ex boyfriend or the like and I softened on it.

 

So while I feel a lot of red flags in the OP, I don't think this part is that bad.

[maniaco333 29]

If it is an ex who she had feelings for in the past I would say a resounding NO, but I believe it would be OK if it is and ex fuck buddy or ex FWB.

[noobie 15]

thanx for all the replies

 

 

After further discussion about this we have decided that yes it would be smart to start fresh,Her 1st response was a heat of the moment answer

 

so now the quest is on to find the 3rd....

 

again thank you for all your replies and time

[bbarnsworth 2,653]

thanx for all the replies

 

 

After further discussion about this we have decided that yes it would be smart to start fresh,Her 1st response was a heat of the moment answer

 

so now the quest is on to find the 3rd....

 

again thank you for all your replies and time

 

cool

 

Now, in working to find the third, don't get frustrated. Be selective, find what you want, and work from there. You might have to go through a few guys before you find the right one. That's ok. In some respects, swinging is just like regular dating.

[bathes 17]

No bringing the negative past to the for front seems counterprotuctive.More over you and she need to have your own experence. good luck have fun

[sahajacpl 95]

No way. Find someone else. Our two cents.

[Meetussoon 68]

Unless your wife is the honest motivation behind this move, I would say drop your plans for this lifestyle all together. If she felt "dirty" before, why would you assume she would feel better now? If the reasons she participated before were wrong, and it didn't work out, why start again?

 

I hope I am wrong and you both find all the enjoyment out of this adventure you can. But be careful, and willing to walk away at any stage she needs.

 

Tom

[CoupleReady2 15]

I'd say no as well...That's great that both of you are taking the time to think this out.

[JustAskJulie 2,595]

I see the question of who the third would be as only one of the red flags in this post. My first worry in reading your OP was is she really doing it for the right reasons this time? Who brought it up? Is she just doing it again because you brought it up and you want it? Too often women who are willing to bend to whatever one partner wants are easily bent again with a different partner. Spend a lot more time talking and really make sure this is something you both want.

 

Beyond that if you both agree it is something you both want, then I don't see the choice of partner as much of an issue (in this case). However, if she did really feel dirty after playing with this guy in the past, then I don't think it would be a great idea. If she only felt dirty because of something unrelated to this guy (perhaps her ex made her feel dirty) then playing with this guy may not be an issue.

 

There's just too many unknowns here for me to really give a good solid answer to this question, the primary one being that I don't think you guys really ready to be making a decision on WHO to play with yet, because I'm not sure you are ready to be playing.