How much of a friendship are you looking for?

[ALilOEverything 901]

I was reading through various posts today and the importance of friends first keeps coming up again and again. I too am one who really prefers to make friends and not just jump into bed with a different person every time.

 

What I really realized in reading different posts that it's a different kind of friendship I look for than in the vanilla would. I'm not looking for a friend to call when I'm upset and needing a shoulder to lean on. I'm not looking for a friend to visit me when I'm sick or to be for me if tragedy strikes. I have friends for that already.

 

I realize that I'm more looking for a just casual acquaintances. I want people who we can chit chat with on a semi regular basis about the more simple things in life but nothing really serious. I want to be able to hang out with them at clubs and parties but it to be okay if do or don't have sex with them that night. I've found the more seriously I get involved with the friendship with a swing partner the less I actually want to be with them sexually. The only person I want to have that deep connection with when I have sex is my husband.

 

So for those of you who look for friendships in yours swing partners, how much of a friendship are you actually looking for? Is it a different kind/level of friendship that you have with your vanilla friends (setting the difference of sex aside)?

[CXXC 435]

How interesting that you should bring this topic up now.

 

Mrs. CXXC and I were just having that very same discussion yesterday. TO what depth do we want to have a relationship with our LS friends?

 

In our lifestyle adventure, we have discovered some truly remarkable individuals and couples. In that group of people, we have found a handful who would fit the bill as those we could call upon for help in any given situation. We consider ourselves truly blessed whenever we find ANYONE, vanilla or Lifestyle, with whom we can trust so deeply.

 

However, I would have to say, at this time, we have been forced to re-evaluate our requirement for "Friends first". You see, we are peculiar people when it comes to letting people into our lives and hearts so deeply. Perhaps not so peculiar, but more restrictive. After meeting so many people in our lives, we have litterlly thousands of associates. Out of the number of individuals with whom we have encountered, we can honestly say, we have only gathered a handfull of true friends.

 

Perhaps we would do well to define what a friend in the lifestyle would be. And you have done a wonderful job of filling that task. We are not talking aobut a friend to whom we place in the ranks of blood relative loved ones. We are not even asking these individuals to support us in our dreams and desires for happiness or good fortune.

 

A friend in the lifestyle is, at best, a distraction from all of the little tasks we have in life. A LS Friend is one whom we can call, set up a fun evening of sex (or not sex) dinner, dancing, frivolity and most of all, self actualization that we are still desired by members of the opposite sex.

 

These "Frineds" are the people we trust with a closely guarded secret. They posess the same fear of discovery as we do. Therefore, we are united by a our desires further. Our LS friends share with us our passin, fun, excitement, quirks and SO's.

 

the next question that begs to be asked is; what happens when the LS friendship develops into that deeper relationship of true and treasured friend. As we have seen in our lifestyle involvement, the sexual aspect takes a back seat. The revered lifestyle friends become something more of a family member and sex begins to lose its appeal.

 

Mrs. CXXC and I have come to the conclusion that for now, we are looking to find sexually compatable people with whom we can share the good times and fun with BEFORE we walk down the path of friendship!

 

Thank you for a really great question!

[exploringRM 305]

We were a friends first couple when we started. We found it very difficult to get through deciding on couples, no playing right away, etc. Time is limited, we just can't go through meeting after meeting to decide if we are friends.

 

After a few months we switched to liking a couple at a base level is enough to have a play session. That typically would involved reading their online profile, chatting a bit, find some attraction.

 

But we have a variety of levels of friendship. And for some these friendship go so much deeper than our vanilla friends. Just so much more to share.

[MrXxotic 18]

Over the years we've had friends that became playmates and playmates that became friends. We are neither friends nor playmates with any of them. Sex and friendship doesn't seem to work for us long term.

 

In an ideal world we would have one or two couples and one or two single men that we like well enough to spend quality vanilla time with. Someone to share a beach condo, mountain cabin, or weekend ride with. They wouldn't have to be friends just someone that shares a common interest in addition to sex.

 

We also like the freedom of hooking up with people we find attractive and having NSA sex.

[Guest BamaRide]

What I want in my lifestyle partners is to be able to understand them and what makes them tick. My mindset is eutopian in nature so I see the 'best sex' being derived from knowing my partners and their desires...the triggers... and them knowing mine. It's not quite poly in that I don't have to 'love' my partners but I do respect them and really consider them among my friends.

 

BamaRide

[TheLorax 173]

We're not looking for best friends type situations, though we wouldn't avoid it either. Basically we'd like people with whom we could enjoy a hike, a short vacation, an evening out, and so on. And if sex happened as a part of that, great. If it didn't happen at any particular time, no big deal, but knowing that it could happen adds some fun to the friendship.

[SecretAsianMan 348]

I prefer to make friends with them... even if we do jump immediately into bed together - I'd at least like to get to know them & be friends later.

[JustAskJulie 2,595]

I realize that I'm more looking for a just casual acquaintances. I want people who we can chit chat with on a semi regular basis about the more simple things in life but nothing really serious. I want to be able to hang out with them at clubs and parties but it to be okay if do or don't have sex with them that night. I've found the more seriously I get involved with the friendship with a swing partner the less I actually want to be with them sexually. The only person I want to have that deep connection with when I have sex is my husband.

 

My sentiments exactly!

[LFM2 1,482]

We're right up there with Julie and ALilOEverything.

 

We're not interested in making best friends out of swinging friends. We're happy to hang out and laugh and talk. Maybe have sex and maybe not.

[N8ture Girl 318]

We're right up there with Julie and ALilOEverything.

 

We're not interested in making best friends out of swinging friends. We're happy to hang out and laugh and talk. Maybe have sex and maybe not.

 

Glad we are not the only ones that feel this way..

 

When we first jumped into the LS, we wanted friends first, then play later...just didnt work out and luckly we realized that pretty quick. So we soon ditched the friends first rule....

[ncmd_couple 597]

Well, we are in kind of a different situation. We just moved to NC a few months ago. I have no friends at all within hundreds of miles. L has a few through her job. It would be nice to meet a couple where I could become friendly with the guy and have someone to do guy shit with. Ya' know, shoot sporting clays, that kind of stuff. It would be nice if they were also swingers so that if they wanted to come over for a weekend of sun by the pool there wouldn't be any hangups.

 

S

[Tia Vampire 167]

We would like to find friends that sex was an option with each other when ever we got together to do whatever. After we finished with our evening out on the town, the four of us would go back home or to a hotel to have unbelievable sex all night long into the early morning hours. That is what friends with benefits mean to us. Of course we would have to be good friends first.

[SheLovesTheSun 40]

The kind of friendships that we're looking for in swinging would be more causal, hey let's have some fun thing. Sometimes you have a stressful week and you just want to let it go, de-stress, and just have a good time. Overall, having a friendship with the people we're swinging with is important; it just won't be a deep friendship.

[ItTakes3 19]

We have a split decision. My wife wants to become friends first and if it leads to the bedroom, great! If not...well, it's always nice to have another friend.

 

Sadly, I'm more the typical male...interested in sex first and usually not much interested in friendship. I'm more interested in becoming friends with my wife's partners than with mine.

[Elena 42]

Extremely interesting. We have always been the kind of couple that wants to be friends with our play partners. I'm not talking best friends that you spend any extra minute with. But the kind of friends that you can BBQ with, go to the bar with, go to the lake with, go to dinner with. Whatever. Then we can have awesome sex when the mood strikes. It doesn't have to be everytime that we get together, but of course the more often the better. LOL I just find that when you are friends, things come more naturally. One couple that we usually play with are the type that we can laugh with while we are having sex. Mainly because there is that comfort level there. I guess I agree with the OP in what we are looking for.

[NealnAnji 30]

Extremely interesting. We have always been the kind of couple that wants to be friends with our play partners. I'm not talking best friends that you spend any extra minute with. But the kind of friends that you can BBQ with, go to the bar with, go to the lake with, go to dinner with. Whatever. Then we can have awesome sex when the mood strikes. It doesn't have to be everytime that we get together, but of course the more often the better. LOL I just find that when you are friends, things come more naturally. One couple that we usually play with are the type that we can laugh with while we are having sex. Mainly because there is that comfort level there. I guess I agree with the OP in what we are looking for.

 

You hit the nail on the head Elena, and, have to agree with the OP. Happens to be what we are looking for in our playmates. Good friends, not necessarily best friends. Friends we can socialize as well as swap mates, and have great sex.

 

[sjsl 15]

You can ask 10 couples what they would define as FWB and you will get 10 different answers. Our profile starts with "we are not looking for a one night stand and we are not looking to be invited for Thanksgiving dinner". We are looking for something in between. That means, we wont wear a blindfold and show up at your door (although that might be fun at least once) without knowing you in a clothed environment.

We like the idea of having friends that we can enjoy a night out without any expectations of sex, and still be able to talk openly about sex. Vanilla friends become uncomfortable if I do my NUM-NUM-NUM-NUM-NUM-NUM thing when breasts are brought up LOL. Friends that also play, usually start doing the same thing or they at least are not offended by it. At some point we also start doing the checking out other people in the bar.

We are able to get a feel for people after a set up meeting to determine if we want to go forward. If we do, we consider them friends on some level.

[EagerCouple 15]

Interesting post, somewhat along the lines of something we had posted a month or so ago and we got some interesting replies. What we have found over the past 6-8 months in the lifestyle is that it's ended up quite different than we had thought when we first got into it.

 

We wanted FWB..we would chat a bit by e-mail, maybe talk on the phone a few times trade photos and see if it was a match. Well it ended up that this was a fast track to a dead end. Most people were not interested in that and if we wanted to screen first and see if we were compatable as friends nothing else would ever come of it.

 

We see nothing wrong with finding friends that we can BBQ with, freinds with other children so they understand what it's like to have more responsibilities than normal and who would not mind going out and having fun as a group once in awhile to make up for those weekends that we just can't find a sitter to have ADULT FUN! Friends that we can go out with in public that are not going to spill the beans by deciding to swap and swap kisses with the apparent "other half" right in front of everyone. And someone we can call up and say let's go to the club and get nasty or hey screw the club let's go have some dinner and get a room for the night. Or where the guy's can go for an afternoon of shooting while the girls go get their nails done, heck or off shooting on their own and then we can get together later for fun if we have time.

 

Apparently not too many people feel the same way (at least around these parts) so we have had to rethink everything out. If we find them so be it..they will be special, in the meantime we make sure they are at least educated enough to carry on a conversation, somewhat attractive, and real. We are tired of weeding though fakes..real people get extra points even if they are not as attractive as we would have liked them to be To us it's either changing our criteria a bit or just not bothering at all with the lifestyle. Good luck...

[ALilOEverything 901]

We wanted FWB..we would chat a bit by e-mail, maybe talk on the phone a few times trade photos and see if it was a match. Well it ended up that this was a fast track to a dead end. Most people were not interested in that and if we wanted to screen first and see if we were compatable as friends nothing else would ever come of it.

 

My experiences over the past few months have proved a little different than expected for me too. The people I've met online seem more interested in jumping into bed right away and don't seem to want much more than that. The couple we met at the club we've become fast friends with and hardly go a day without talking quite the opposite than what I've was expecting.

[sjsl 15]

Apparently not too many people feel the same way (at least around these parts) so we have had to rethink everything out. If we find them so be it..they will be special, in the meantime we make sure they are at least educated enough to carry on a conversation, somewhat attractive, and real. We are tired of weeding though fakes..real people get extra points even if they are not as attractive as we would have liked them to be To us it's either changing our criteria a bit or just not bothering at all with the lifestyle. Good luck...

 

It almost seems if you include the term FWB in your profile, you will attract people that "think" they want to play with another couple but nothing ever comes of it. And if people that really do want to play read your profile they might assume that you are one of those people. So, as we still hope to find other couples that may want to do more at times than just have sex, we dont mention it up front. If we all get along in the beginning it may become that.

 

If we are intending to play with another couple at home, we also would like them to be able to carry on a conversation about something other than sex toys. If we meet a couple and they are attractive but have no sense of humor or completely stuck on themselves, there is no chance of it going any further. If we meet and can sit for 2 hours laughing and talking about almost anything, we are both ready to go.

 

We have never been to a club so we might be totally wrong about this. It would seem that at a club physical attraction might be enough to go and play.

[EagerCouple 15]

It almost seems if you include the term FWB in your profile, you will attract people that "think" they want to play with another couple but nothing ever comes of it. And if people that really do want to play read your profile they might assume that you are one of those people. So, as we still hope to find other couples that may want to do more at times than just have sex, we dont mention it up front. If we all get along in the beginning it may become that.

 

Nope..we don't include FWB in the profile. We do state that we would like to meet and see if everything clicks but that's about it and quite common in profiles. We expect honesty so we offer honesty but we are not going to leave something out just to attract more people. Actually now that you mention it maybe it's unfair that we DON'T put that in our profile. Our profile is ever changing just like our thoughts on the lifestyle is and we update it regularly. At one time we really mentioned friends and compatability a lot and after careful thought we started leaning away from it. Our desire priority changed a bit and so did our profile. We still would like to have close friends in the lifestyle but it's not our first want on the list of must have. We are leaning more towards humor and personality and compatability/friendship towards the middle.

[BiloxiCouple 695]

Friendships just find us. We don't look for them. It takes time to cultivate a real friendship. I personally can count my best friends on one hand in my life of almost 50 years. Most are just people I know or work with.

[realcplub2 513]

I was reading through various posts today and the importance of friends first keeps coming up again and again. I too am one who really prefers to make friends and not just jump into bed with a different person every time.

 

What I really realized in reading different posts that it's a different kind of friendship I look for than in the vanilla would. I'm not looking for a friend to call when I'm upset and needing a shoulder to lean on. I'm not looking for a friend to visit me when I'm sick or to be for me if tragedy strikes. I have friends for that already.

 

I realize that I'm more looking for a just casual acquaintances. I want people who we can chit chat with on a semi regular basis about the more simple things in life but nothing really serious. I want to be able to hang out with them at clubs and parties but it to be okay if do or don't have sex with them that night. I've found the more seriously I get involved with the friendship with a swing partner the less I actually want to be with them sexually. The only person I want to have that deep connection with when I have sex is my husband.

 

So for those of you who look for friendships in yours swing partners, how much of a friendship are you actually looking for? Is it a different kind/level of friendship that you have with your vanilla friends (setting the difference of sex aside)?

 

You raise and excellent point and I quoted your entire post because it has excellent points all the way thru

 

Lets start with a basic premise.. Doesnt matter if in the lifestyle or not, solo or a couple, there are certain STANDARDS we all have, that must be met before you are comfortable enough to proceed to the naked, next level. Call it a comfort zone, call it standards, call it that warm and fuzzy feeling.. If its not there, there is no point..

 

Now backtracking from that, it depends a great deal on how well each person needs to feel comfortable before proceeding.. Some can walk into a club strip, and basically take on all cummers.. Others like has been expressed within this excellent thread, require other conditions be met. All across that spectrum.

 

Like this post:

 

We were a friends first couple when we started. We found it very difficult to get through deciding on couples, no playing right away, etc. Time is limited, we just can't go through meeting after meeting to decide if we are friends.

 

After a few months we switched to liking a couple at a base level is enough to have a play session. That typically would involved reading their online profile, chatting a bit, find some attraction.

 

But we have a variety of levels of friendship. And for some these friendship go so much deeper than our vanilla friends. Just so much more to share.

 

It depends on the person choices.

 

There are some that would love the situation as expressed by ELENA The reality is, most of our playmates are in the nieghborhood, rather maybe the next town or city.. which makes the usual casual contact like vanilla friends a bit hard to manage.

 

We tend to look for both.. people who we connect with on the essential levels.. and a comfort zone that allows the on going friendship, if only as a prelude to an evening of great group sex.

[EagerCouple 15]

Yes VERY well put! That's the way we see it. Sometimes there is a bit more attraction to physical looks than personality, sometimes more personality than physical looks. BUT either way balance places us in that comfort zone, it is not one thing or another but BALANCE that allows us to take it to the next level . Now heck some day there may be a wild party going on at the club and nothing will be known at all and it will still be good but it's all about the "comfort zone".

 

 

Now backtracking from that, it depends a great deal on how well each person needs to feel comfortable before proceeding.. Some can walk into a club strip, and basically take on all cummers.. Others like has been expressed within this excellent thread, require other conditions be met. All across that spectrum.

[realcplub2 513]

To be honest there are times, when the physical attraction isnt/wasnt there.. But the mental part, topped with the personality of the people involved carried us thru..

[good times 991]

I've found the more seriously I get involved with the friendship with a swing partner the less I actually want to be with them sexually.

I agree with this completely.

 

When we first started we thought we would want to be friends with folks first before jumping in the sack. What we came to realize real quick was that:

 

1 - In all but a few cases, the better we got to know someone, the less desire we had to have sex with them.

2 - A lot of the best fun we have had in the playroom was with folks that we had nothing in common with other than we really turned each other on sexually.

 

So now days, we don't even really need to know their names. If the sexual chemistry is there, we are good to go.