Risk Mitigation and Swinging – Is it Worth the Risk?

[ncmd_couple 597]

Many times in discussions here on the Swinger’s Board, the topic of risk comes up, usually a specific situation, not actually labeled a “risk” per say, but it touches on the topic. Over the years, in my business life, “Risk Mitigation,” has been an important part of business planning and execution. If you don’t understand the risks, you are sailing blind and bad things can happen. But, if you think about things in advance and take steps to mitigate your risk, you can survive the sudden storms that we are all going to see at one point or another in our swinging lives.

 

Each of us as individuals and as couples faces unique risks either as active swingers, or as someone who is curious about swinging and just starting out. We all came here via our own unique paths, and our life situations are unique. But one of the wonderful things about this board is that we have a wide range of experienced folks who can help us navigate through the rocks and shoals of the Swinger’s lifestyle in a way that satisfies our desires and helps us avoid bad situations.

 

What is “Risk?”

 

Risk comes in many forms, and the significance of that risk is different to each of us depending on our unique situations. Something that is a risk for me, might not be a risk for you, or it might be a minor risk for you. The key is to identify your risks and then decided how big a risk it is for you. What would happen if it came to pass, and if it did, how would you deal with it in general terms.

 

I thought that I would address some of the common risks associated with swinging. This is not an all inclusive list that I am going to present, and hopefully you will add to the thread. I’m not going to discus relationship risks here, but address external risks. Relationship risks are a whole other discussion.

 

Risk of Exposure

 

The risk of exposure as a swinger is probably the primary risk of swinging. But if you have any hope at all of meeting other like minded people, then you are going to have to run the risk of being exposed as a swinger. How much damage being exposed as a swinger will do to you really depends on your personal situation. But if you do not take some risk of being exposed, you will never meet anyone and you will continue to live in your fantasy world of wanting to swing but will never achieve anything.

 

You may be concerned about that busybody down the street in your small town that does internet searches on swinger sites just looking to find someone in the community so that they can out them in as an embarrassing way as possible. Or you are afraid that someone will find out that you don’t want to find out.

 

Risk Mitigation of Exposure

 

We can mitigate our risk of exposure in a number of ways. And how we go about that depends on how significant a risk exposure is to you personally. But here are some of the things that others have done,

 

• Usernames – Come up with a username that does not have anything that is traceable to you. Don’t use your nick name from real life! Use that username as your swinger username and for nothing else. Create a free yahoo e-mail account with that username and, use it for chatting with other swingers, and on swinger related sites. Do not use your personal e-mail address(s) for anything that is swinger related in any way.
   
  
• Location – Use a location close to you, but not your actual town. This may not matter if you are in a large metro area, but if you live in a town with a population of 100, you might think about listing your location as the closest large town or city.
   
  
• Pictures – Pictures are an important part of our profiles on sites. Some people might keep all of their pictures private. Or, you might blur your faces out. Please pay attention to what is in the background of your pics! You could be identified by that painting by your grandmother hanging on the wall that is a one of a kind.
   
  
• Real Names – If your name is one of those names that everyone knows 20 people with that first name, don’t worry about it. But combinations of a couple’s first names might put you at risk. So many people us first initials. And if one of you, as in my wife’s case, has a very unique first name, I don’t even use her real first initial when writing about her. But using your real first and last name on-line is a significant risk, don’t do it!
  
• Swinging Location – Electing to go to swinger events and clubs in locations distant to where you actually live and work is how some reduce their risk of exposure.
  

 

You might look at this and decide that the risks are just too great. And they might be, but that is something that you have to decide on your own. But the majority of us can easily mitigate our risk of unwanted exposure quite easily.

 

Professional/Work Risk

 

Swinging can put your job or profession at risk. That really depends on what you do for a living. Swingers come from all walks of life. So the risk to each of us depends on our unique situation. You have to decide what damage swinging and being outed at work would do to you.

 

I think the number one concern for most swingers is bumping into the boss or co-worker at a club or party. This risk is pretty much self mitigating in that they are there also and the risk of outing you would be equally damaging to them. But dipping your quill in the company ink has always been a dangerous thing. So you can mitigate this risk by being polite, friendly, and don’t have that deer in the headlights look on your face. Then you don’t play with your boss or co-worker, and if asked why you won’t play with them, tell them, you don’t play at work!

 

Many companies now use google etc. to look for candidates for hire as well as to check up on the activities of their employees. To mitigate this risk you should never use a personal e-mail address or your real first and last name in any on-line swinging activities. You don’t want to get called into your boss to explain that one!

 

Social Circle Risk

 

For the majority of us, swinging is a hobby, not a way of life that eclipses everything else in our life. We don’t live to swing. We are members of our church, we have kids playing soccer, baseball, etc., and we are involved in our community in different ways. So the risk of being exposed to those in our community could have a fairly significant impact on our daily lives.

 

How you mitigate this risk is up to you. But I think the majority of us keep our swinging life and our personal/public life completely separate. Because mixing those together can have unknown consequences and can create a lot of drama and damage to us socially.

 

Friends and Family

 

Many of us are concerned that one of our friends or family members will find out that we are swingers. The outcome of such a revelation can be just about anything. We would like to think that they would be accepting of us, but you never really know.

 

One of the risks of being a swinger is the fact that you already have people in your life that you are close to and have emotional ties with. Opening up your relationship can cause the lines between you and others to blur considerably. But no matter how well you know someone, you can never predict how someone will react when they find out that you are not who they thought you were.

 

We all find ourselves in this position. But you will generally find that the rule is that most swingers play with swingers, not with friends, and never the twain shall meet. Yes, there can be good outcomes, but the risk of a bad outcome for many of us overshadows any possible good outcome. If you are willing to risk losing your friend(s) and being exposed in the community as swingers, that is your choice. But not one that most of us would recommend.

 

Family – don’t ya’ just get tired of living a lie? Telling your family one thing when they pick up the rug rats to babysit, then driving to the club or hotel for a night of playing? You want to be open and honest with the ones you love, but you have to accept that to do so may have significant negative implications to your family and your relationship with them. You have to decide that on a case by case basis.

 

Conclusion

 

The bottom line to risk mitigation is for you to think about it in advance and then decide if the gain is worth the risk, and how to mitigate that risk. You will never eliminate risk completely, after all, this is real life here. But if you think about things in advance, and not run into swinging like a kid in a candy store, you can have great fun swinging and manage your life in a balanced way.

 

Good luck!

 

S

[socolais 696]

Great post!! the risks of exposure are revealing

[sahajacpl 95]

Great post. Just loved the way you put it very objectively, NCMD.

[two4youinswva 3,068]

+1

 

[SW_PA_Couple 4,024]

You will never eliminate risk completely, after all, this is real life here.

Nicely compiled. All should read this.

[PB&J 1,086]

Good summary!! Thanks.

[cplnuswing 4,713]

Great job, sums it up nicely

[ncmd_couple 597]

Thanks for the compliments, but the idea for this was from another user here on SB.

 

S

[eruditesdw 29]

I work for myself and I don't care who knows. I was once ask about my lifestyle in a restaurant and I told him yes I am so what are you going to do about it. ( Standing up looking him in the eye with my fist cocked tightly and my face two inches from his face like a drill Instructor.) You see I didn't like the tone of his put you down type voice. He backed off fast and never ask/said it again. I'm nice to him when I see him but he will never ask me again. LOL!! And yes I was willing to go to jail for busting up his face. And he knew it.

[BiloxiCouple 695]

I work for myself and I don't care who knows. I was once ask about my lifestyle in a restaurant and I told him yes I am so what are you going to do about it. ( Standing up looking him in the eye with my fist cocked tightly and my face two inches from his face like a drill Instructor.) You see I didn't like the tone of his put you down type voice. He backed off fast and never ask/said it again. I'm nice to him when I see him but he will never ask me again. LOL!! And yes I was willing to go to jail for busting up his face. And he knew it.

 

If you don't care who knows, why get upset? Seems like you do care or you wouldn't have been upset. I thought swingers were open minded and easy going.

[VegasLee 1,486]

And yes I was willing to go to jail for busting up his face. And he knew it.

 

That is why the "public' thinks we are all a bunch of freaks.

 

Someone asked if you where a swinger and you wanted to bust their face. What was the big deal?

 

Words are nothing but words, even with a tone to them. Why would anyone want to bust up someone over asking a simple question?

 

You should post that on your profiles if you have them on sites so people know to stay away from you. Your to easy to set off and I can see major drama.

[SW_PA_Couple 4,024]

. . . I was once ask about my lifestyle in a restaurant and I told him yes I am so what are you going to do about it.

I have only one question. What did you have to eat right before this exchange of words?

[The Fuse 1,012]

I work for myself and I don't care who knows. I was once ask about my lifestyle in a restaurant and I told him yes I am so what are you going to do about it. ( Standing up looking him in the eye with my fist cocked tightly and my face two inches from his face like a drill Instructor.) You see I didn't like the tone of his put you down type voice. He backed off fast and never ask/said it again. I'm nice to him when I see him but he will never ask me again. LOL!! And yes I was willing to go to jail for busting up his face. And he knew it.

Doesn't sound too "erudite" to me.

[TheLorax 173]

I have only one question. What did you have to eat right before this exchange of words?

 

I do have to say that while I've been offended by the attitude other people have copped sometimes when they feel they are morally superior, my personal beliefs are that violence is only used as a response to violence. I refuse to hang around with people with whom I have to worry that they might want to get into a fistfight over something I said. Because I take violence very seriously and it's entirely likely that someone will end up dead and I take that very seriously too since it's a no win situation no matter how you look at it.

[TheLorax 173]

A great post, NCMD.

 

I know some people here have a problem with not posting completely accurate information on ads, but having had been the victim of employer problems (my then wife was threatened with her job) and professional problems, I routinely obscure identifying details when I'm online, and sometimes I deliberately put harmless things that anyone who knew me would think "that can't possibly be him." The net has a very long memory and while the gossip routine can have us "outed", it's harder for someone to do a search of gossip.

[ncmd_couple 597]

I work for myself and I don't care who knows. I was once ask about my lifestyle in a restaurant and I told him yes I am so what are you going to do about it. ( Standing up looking him in the eye with my fist cocked tightly and my face two inches from his face like a drill Instructor.) You see I didn't like the tone of his put you down type voice. He backed off fast and never ask/said it again. I'm nice to him when I see him but he will never ask me again. LOL!! And yes I was willing to go to jail for busting up his face. And he knew it.

 

Hmmm... Someone asked you about "your lifestyle" and your response was to threaten him with violence? Why didn't you just answer his question?

 

One of the risks in this lifestyle isn't always the bad reactions of those in the vanilla world, it is meeting people who react violently, or in this case, defensively in a violent manner when, from what is quoted above, the situation doesn't indicate a violent response.

 

I'm a combat veteran. I would not hesitate to use deadly force if necessary. But if someone asked me about swinging, even in a hostile way, I would much more likely to tell them... "Loser...":duh:

 

 

S

[eruditesdw 29]

It's okay to talk to me but show me disrespect and I will set you straight. I get along with people just fine but in my area I'm know as a nice man but don't do him wrong because he will take issue with you in a "In your face manner". The man I had a problem with called me "weirdo" (Like "Hey Weirdo" ) just before he approached me. When he did approached me I was in his face in two seconds and with a mouth like a drill instructor. He knew I was going to take his face off right then and there. ( And I could do it and I have done it to people in the past) He backed down fast and no more problems. I treat him nice when I do see him. I just had to let him know you can treat others like that but not me. No way no how. I don't need anger management. I do just fine. The person making me angry I just neutralize them fast and anger is over.

[eruditesdw 29]

I don't mind people knowing but show me disrespect ( Like in the man's tone of voice) and I will tear your face off if you don't back off. I learned this in the military. Hit them hard first then you control the situation.

[ncmd_couple 597]

Well, I agree that you don't have to take that. But you don't have to "take their face off" to accomplish the same thing. Technique is more powerful than brute force in most cases.

[LFM2 1,482]

...When he did approached me I was in his face in two seconds and with a mouth like a drill instructor. He knew I was going to take his face off right then and there.

 

While I agree that nobody deserves disrespect, this isn't much of a deescalation technique. I thought the point was never to escalate a situation into violence, but try to deescalate and talk things out.

 

Personally, your "He-man alpha-dog" behavior is offensive. Your behavior, unfortunately, would reflect the rest of the swinging community, and it's no wonder why some people think we're a bunch of freaks.

[eruditesdw 29]

While I agree that nobody deserves disrespect, this isn't much of a deescalation technique. I thought the point was never to escalate a situation into violence, but try to deescalate and talk things out.

 

Personally, your "He-man alpha-dog" behavior is offensive. Your behavior, unfortunately, would reflect the rest of the swinging community, and it's no wonder why some people think we're a bunch of freaks.

**** It's Okay to call me freak or whatever. Just show respect when you ( One ) say it. LOL!! I always say I'm a normal pervert. Here's one for you. I ( Wife and I ) were in a nice club about three years ago and another table full of men ( Woman ) were having a good time when one of the men said "Hey! There's that weird couple. ( OK...OK so we have some nice parties at our house from time to time) I said nothing. An hour later he went to the men's room. Gee! I had to go too. I had a little private talk with him while his toes were an inch off the ground if you know what I mean. He said he's sorry and won't do that again. Since then we have become good friends and he turned out to be one nice person so I don't always hold bad feelings in forever. He won't be part of my life style but some of his friends sure wish they could explore a little bit of the wild side. Who knows. Maybe they will.....or have.

[AskMeOk 148]

.....I had a little private talk with him while his toes were an inch off the ground if you know what I mean. .....

 

Having gotten away with this, thus far, you apparently consider yourself the consummate bad ass. I wonder how this story would have ended had the other guy, with both hands free, stuck that Glock 30 in your gut.

 

NCMD is giving you some really good advice, some that might save your life..... if you'll listen....

 

My $.02

[eruditesdw 29]

Having gotten away with this, thus far, you apparently consider yourself the consummate bad ass. I wonder how this story would have ended had the other guy, with both hands free, stuck that Glock 30 in your gut.

 

NCMD is giving you some really good advice, some that might save your life..... if you'll listen....

 

My $.02

** Well, You make a good point.