I thought we were sticking together

[chakka 28]

I'll try to make long story short. We have been in the lifestyle about 4 years. Had our ups and downs, a hell of alot of great times. At first our only rule was we play together. Then after a while we relized that this is easier said then done. We played separate for a while as well as together sometimes and all was good. Then I started having a problem (Mrs.) I was jealous alot of the time and I never had been before. Problems arouse from this of course. We waisted alot of money going out only to have a bad time. I kicked back and really thought about it for a while and realized why I was jealous. When I first suggested doing this, it was because I had a strong desire to see my husband with another woman. I love other guys involved as well, but I guess it is just that I just love to be involved together, wether that is with one other or just having sex near each other with others. This isn't coming out right....I have the best time when this is an activity shared, together, when we were splitting up alot, I felt like it was pulling us apart instead of the unbelievable closeness I feel when we play together.

So after a break to figure this out in my head, we started going out again, back to our old rule, we only play together/same room. It went well:)

So we go to a very large party reciently, huge, bigger than I've ever seen. Very nice:) Everything fine for a few. He and I went our separate ways, to socialize I went to have a smoke. About 20 minutes later, I see him so I am walking over and he is headed for the open room, I can't see who is in front of him but am pretty sure it is a friend of ours, he looks back breifly , sees me and walks in the room. At this point I am thinking nothing of it, he wouldn't do that. So I use the bathroom, come back and there he is playing in the open room with 2 of our friends, both female. Now understand, These are woman I love to death, trust immensly, they have best friend relationships with their guys just like the mr and I do. He has played with them alot and so have I . So right away I get the bad feelings again, and I'm thinking just go socialize a bit don't make a big deal about it they will be out soon. Yes, I could have just joined them for some reason I felt childeshly left out and didn't want to. After about an hour of fending off single guys and too much dwelling on it and too much drinking ( heavy drinking) stupid I know, I went into the open room and said to him, " what happened to sticking together" He was taken off guard. He said I thought you were right behind me. This feuled my fire even more as my first drunken thought is , for the last f-ing hour you thought I was right behind you, glad to know you would even notice. So I leave the room and they shortly follow. We had a breif few words, he felt like such an ass. Know this guy is awesome would never intentionaly hurt me. He is my prince. So I am about to pass out I say Do whatever you want I am going to the car. I proceed to go to the car and pass out. I was so mad at myself that I couldn't get up and take care of the situation like I should. I had ruined yet another night and about 250 bucks lol. We hadn't been out in so long and was so looking forward to a good time. I felt like such a jerk. So did he. he spent the rest of the night doing nothing , checking on me frequently. We talked about it the next day. He was so very sorry, said he thought I was with one of our friends husband, got caught up, then said there was no excuse for what he did, and feels so bad and is so sorry. I appoligized too as I am ashamed at the way I acted, he says there is nothing I should be sorry for and he says mabe we shouldn't swing anymore. It take too much emotional effort, too much money and is causing us problems that last days. I know he would miss the sex, but he says he doesn't care. The thing is when it's good...It's GREAT! I love to go out, and so does he. We have vanilla friends, but it's not the same, diffent atmosphere, uptight people, boring. We don't have fun, Sex aside, swingers are a blast. So I don't want to stop, we stopped for 3 months. Kids, bills, work, the house, we need a break, and that's our release. I don't want to stop, I want to figure out how to make it work. There is nothing in the world like watching him go at it. Yet days later I am still dwelling on what happened. It is so hard to play together sometimes and yet when we play apart, I am thinking of him and what he is up to and really have no interest in any guys alone, It's like I am not attracted to anyone, playing in a group is great, but alone, I have no fun I just want my guy there by my side. That puts a whole differnt light on it. Should we stop? How can we make this work? We deep down love it really. I feel like such a head case. If I could just chill out things would be fine.

[The Fuse 1,012]

Why didn't you go join them when you got out of the bathroom? Sounds like he really thought you were right behind him. If he was playing, and thought you saw him go into the room, then when you didn't come in he probably figured you had a better offer. Maybe he. Should have interrupted himself and come out, but why on earth didn't you go in?

[bbarnsworth 2,653]

Chakka, what you speak of is not at all uncommon. The scenario is pretty simple.

 

First, a rule is set. Second the rule is broken. Third, the person who isn't doing the breaking is made that the breaking is happening, but doesn't want to come off as an ass so doesn't say anything. Fourth, the person doing the breaking sees tacit acceptance of the rule breaking because the other spouse isn't objecting. Five, playing ends and argument begins. Six, over the next while it remains a sticking point between the two spouses. Talk of not swinging, trust, communication, etc.

 

In your particular situation, your husband broke a rule. The rule was important to you, and from your post it is obvious it is critically important to you; you want to be there and watch/be involved when he's having sex with other women. It's what you enjoy most in swinging.

 

Your husband saying he thought you were right behind him ...for an hour... is lame. Sorry, no two ways about it. Breaking the rule without talking with you was very wrong. Your accepting the situation and trying not to throw ice water on the evening resulted in ice water being thrown on the evening. Trying to accept a rule breaking doesn't work well in most situations.

 

You both erred. No, I don't see a reason to stop swinging. I do see a reason to re-clarify what the rules are and that the rules are absolutes, not to be broken without direct discussion.

[DigginIt 1,132]

Hey Chakka, I think both The Fuse and bbarnsworth make some good points but I would like to put my own thoughts in that might overlap some of the things they said.

 

I've said all over these boards that my wife and I only play same room because we want the experience to be about 'us' and not about ourselves as individuals. It does make it harder to play because it is so much easier to find matches as an individual than as a couple but at the end of the day, playing together, I have no doubts what my wife was doing because I was there with her. It might sound crazy but I have absolutely zero jealously because I was participating.

 

When you play apart, you open up yourself to your own mind screwing with you and filling in the 'what are they doing' questions with all of the deep, dark fears that may subconsciously exist but you never knew you had because they don't come out in the 'together' swings. You love your husband, he sounds like he loves you but you sound like you have a 'fear' of those 'what if' scenarios that might be taking place. 'What if' she is developing an attachment with my husband? 'What if' they are doing something I don't do like anal sex? 'What if' he's afraid to tell me the truth about things they do when I'm not there? The list can go on. Those are examples of real fears that would never surface while swinging together but could easily come out in your situation. I think it takes a lot more communication to swing apart than to swing together and swinging together takes a tremendous amount.

 

I would imagine those feelings were there from day 1 when you started playing apart but the excitement kept them suppressed until it built up to this point where you are upset over what is happening. It's also hard to 'reset' boundaries when one person is perfectly happy with them where they stand.

 

I don't really think your husband was doing anything intentionally to hurt you but as a guy, I can relate to the fact that it would be very hard to tell a woman who wanted to take me back and screw my brains out, 'no'. We are not wired that way. We are wired to say 'Hell Yea!'

 

If your husband really loves you he will listen and understand and do what needs to be done to help the two of you come to a balance where you are both getting what you want out of the lifestyle in a way that keeps the playtime fun.

 

I hope you both get this worked out and I wish you both the best of luck.

[WonderWhat 166]

I proceed to go to the car and pass out. [...] he spent the rest of the night doing nothing , checking on me frequently.

 

Ummm, sorry to point out more negatives, here, but if he was really feeling like a jerk, wouldn't he have gotten in the car with you and driven home instead of staying and "checking" on you?

 

Methinks that there are disconnects going on that merit a time-out and lots of talk conducive to exploring what each one wants, where those desires intersect, and what should be done about it. Having one or both parts of a couple resent the other --and worse, without acknowledging it-- is not good.

[SecretAsianMan 348]

I had an experience once at a party where my date had a wicked evil flashback to a childhood trauma and just emotionally "shut-down" for the whole night.

 

I knew something was wrong - but she wouldn't talk about it to me while we were there. She kept saying, "Just leave me alone for now and go enjoy yourself"

 

Silly me... (I was young'er & dumb'er those days) so, I took her words to actually MEAN "leave her alone" and "go enjoy myself".

 

*sigh* ... I know better (now).

[xxxboxy 139]

ahh, yes...the rough translation there is "get me out of here right now! I can't make that decision on my own so I need you to read between the lines and make it for me."

[WonderWhat 166]

ahh, yes...the rough translation there is "get me out of here right now! I can't make that decision on my own so I need you to read between the lines and make it for me."

 

Yep. Too much of that and it's a dysfunctional passive-aggressive relationship (I should know, I was married to one). But everybody should know how to read between the lines, and everybody has a right to be like that every once in a while, women and men alike. "Every once in a while" is the operative phrase here.

[xxxboxy 139]

Bingo!

[exploringRM 305]

A few things jump to mind...

 

How about play together when it works and separately when it works. In a party environment, I feel it's difficult to get that couple to couple interaction. Usually a lack of a private area and it's hard to find a couple at any given moment. I'm sure a foursome could be made with the right combination, but perhaps not the same interaction than with a couple. When you do find the time, seclusion, etc then take advantage of that and play together.

 

My other thought is the alcohol just doesn't help, especially the way you describe it. I'm sure it muddles your thinking and perhaps brings up bad feelings even quicker?

 

I do agree that you husband should not have played without asking permission (either ahead of time or right on the spot). We do talk when going to parties and generally reassure each other to have fun and not worry about interacting together. It just makes it easier for us.

[chakka 28]

The fuse, Why didn't I go in there?

 

I have no idea. I know perfectly well I could have. I would have been well accepted. I think I was just pissed off right off the bat. The last time I had seen him, in the kitchen, he said " ya sure go have your smoke and we will meet up in a while. Don't worry, I won't do anything without you." That's what I mean when I say, why can't I just chill out. I should have just gone in , you are right.

 

 

bbarnsworth, Your 6 steps are dead on.

 

 

digginit, I feel the same way, I want it to be about "us", not ourselves as individuals

 

Wonderwhat, We were drivin to the party by friends. We didn't have our car with us and were very far away. There was no choice unless we wanted to ruin their night too. Neither of us would want that.

 

 

secretasianman, I guess I do expect him to read my mind sometimes . Yes, I do that. It's terrible. Yet another New Years resolution to make. lol Stop doing that!

 

Thanks for all the imput everyone, I was feeling bad about it all night at work and your replys helped.

[fun4Ds 1,098]

Why didn't I go in there?

I have no idea. I know perfectly well I could have. I would have been well accepted.

I know this was directed to The Fuse, and I also look forward to her response. But, as a swinging husband had my wife said these words, I certainly would have wanted to sit down and talk this over with Mrsfun. I would want to know why, with certainty. You say you could have, but didn't. To me, even as a guy I had issues with what I call "feeling out of the loop" more than once.

 

You also said, "I would have been well accepted." That troubles me, chakka. Maybe I don't understand..... But, I would want to understand as your husband or even as a swinging partner. Accepted by who ? The group ? The social club ? Your playmates ?

 

I think there is more to this than meets the eye here. I'm hoping not to be too intrusive to you, but by posting this thread, I think you want to find personal answers as well. I hope we at the swingers board can help find those answers.

 

I think I was just pissed off right off the bat. The last time I had seen him, in the kitchen, he said " ya sure go have your smoke and we will meet up in a while. Don't worry, I won't do anything without you." That's what I mean when I say, why can't I just chill out. I should have just gone in , you are right.

I don't know if I could agree with that ? At least not at some of my personal past swinging experiences. Sure, I might be able to go with the flow on some nights..... But not all of them. And thats OK, it truly is.

 

digginit, I feel the same way, I want it to be about "us", not ourselves as individuals

I don't understand again..... We have to fully know ourselves as individuals and each other, for there to be "US" as a couple.

 

It seems there are pieces to a puzzle missing here ? How well are you and Mr chakka communicating about this ? Do you feel heard, and understood ? I know thats knocked me out of the loop before. And hell, I'm a guy even

 

Wonderwhat, We were drivin to the party by friends. We didn't have our car with us and were very far away. There was no choice unless we wanted to ruin their night too. Neither of us would want that.

Had I driven you guys to that party, we would have left. There would have been no checking on you from time to time. Thats bullshit, in fact its almost like being around enablers. People who let you get too drunk and say thats OK well check on you. I don't get it, but its not that I haven't seen it.

 

I guess I do expect him to read my mind sometimes . Yes, I do that. It's terrible.

Then work on Mr chakka understanding your mind.

 

That night is over, its done and gone. You have to accept with understanding, what didn't work and build on the next time, if there is to be one...

 

Your more than welcome to hash it out here anytime. We're swingers, we do understand some of what happened with empathy. We're not perfect swingers, just swingers

[ALilOEverything 901]

Chakka, my response is going to be derived from my own personal experiences that loosely mirrors yours. I may be way off base but maybe my input might might be of some benefit.

 

Is it possible that you've oversimplified your reasons for jealousy? You say you feel it's because you started off playing together and then started playing more seperately and you thought that might be the reason for jealousy. I think it's possible that it runs deeper than that. I went from being a non-jealous person to a jealous person for different reasons than you. What I realized is when I analyzed why I was feeling the way I was that I would find more simple reasons in the beginning but as time progressed and I had the simple issues fixed it still didn't fix the problem. It ended up running deep and took me years to really find the source and fix them.

 

Often when a person has had problems with feeling jealous in the past they start to feel more guarded of their feelings, they want to prevent it from happening. Those guarded feelings often make a person begin controlling situations they didn't used to control to protect their feelings. When a person goes into a social situation guarded they are no longer go with the flow and the night can deteriorate with simple things setting them off. A person who's feeling guarded (including myself) may go out thinking: I'm so excited to go out, I really want us to both be happy, I hope we've set the right rules to prevent any ill feelings from surfacing, I hope my husband doesn't do anything to make me feel bad, Oh I hope I can relax and just have fun.... Then one simple thing can set all those feelings into a downward spiral and then all feel a person can do is dissect the evening to figure what went wrong so it doesn't happen again.

 

Does it really matter what that one simple thing was? Maybe your husband didn't communicate properly with you, maybe he didn't make the best choice, maybe you didn't listen, maybe you should have joined, maybe there should have been less drinking, maybe... who knows... I think if it wasn't one thing it was going to be another. What really matters is did you go into that situation feeling guarded and if so why were you feeling that way and that's more the issue to fix.

 

I think you're not in the right mind frame yet for swinging. I think you need to dig deeper for what really makes you jealous (more than just being in seperate rooms) so you can let your guard down. I think it's time for a real break and some real soul searching. Don't put yourself into those situations until your really ready. Once you can let go of these issues I think you'll be able to return and enjoying swinging again, just like you used to.

[chakka 28]

fun4ds, I think you got it when you said you have had times when you felt "out of the loop" Thats how I felt, yet it seems so childish to me. What do I need a written invite. As far as being well accepted, what I mean is.., both women involved as well as my husband would have happily had me join in, would have pulled me in lol, been very happy that I was there. I wouldn't have to lurk around the outside, looking for an in. lol I wouldn't have had to stand off to the side and watch, they would have welcomed me in immediatly. Still and yes, I feel childish saying this, but another part of me gets mad and thinks, well if they wanted me in there they would have bothered to find me. I am not interested in playing without my husband around, but it seems he is interested in playing without me around. I think being a guy, that's just the way he is wired, all kinds of play are good. This bothers me alot. He says he loves when we are together and we will play together if that is what makes me comfortable but I get bothered that I know at times he would like to be alone with others. so it's my hang ups that are holding him back from doing what he really wants . I want more than anything for him to be happy. I can't expect him to feel the same way I do all the time. Who the fuck am I to think his every thought should be of me. We are individuals as well as a couple. But when I do play alone, my every thought is of him, that's why I won't do that anymore. There is nothing worse that having sex with someone while thinking, I want to get this over with so I can see my husband. It's not fair to me or my playmate.

 

Aliloeverything, You think my reasons for jealousy run deeper that that. I think your right. He is attracted to all kinds of woman and the fact is, I am not attracted to many guys at all except him. Mabe it bothers me simply that he would want to play alone at all. I love going out and don't want to stop, but mabe your right that it should stop for a while. I am sitting at a computer at 10 am on a thursday crying as I write and that isn't good. I hardly slept at all last night, I just kept dwelling on it and getting more pissed off. I also think my jealousy may come from always having had a very low self esteem. When we first started going out, I was amazed at how many people were interested in me. It made me feel good, but didn't change what I think of myself. I think I will have him read all these post and then mabe have long talk. I just don't know what I want him to say, I don't think he can say much to make me feel better, he has said it all. I think I need to work this out for myself. He is the guy at the party that attracts alot of attention, funny, outgoing, the woman love him. He could play non stop if he wanted. I am the woman who is quite, trying not to make eye contact as I may have to avoid advances and I am strangly uncomfortable saying no.

 

Please everyone feel free to speak your mind to me, I won't take offense at all, I want to hear all opinions wether I like them or not. I really need to quit my night job and get a day job, I am so tired and that is most likely why I am sitting here crying like baby. I think I need to toughen up a bit lol Thanks guys for letting me vent.

[little firefly 64]

fun4ds, I think you got it when you said you have had times when you felt "out of the loop" Thats how I felt, yet it seems so childish to me. What do I need a written invite. As far as being well accepted, what I mean is.., both women involved as well as my husband would have happily had me join in, would have pulled me in lol, been very happy that I was there. I wouldn't have to lurk around the outside, looking for an in. lol I wouldn't have had to stand off to the side and watch, they would have welcomed me in immediatly. Still and yes, I feel childish saying this, but another part of me gets mad and thinks, well if they wanted me in there they would have bothered to find me. I am not interested in playing without my husband around, but it seems he is interested in playing without me around. I think being a guy, that's just the way he is wired, all kinds of play are good. This bothers me alot. He says he loves when we are together and we will play together if that is what makes me comfortable but I get bothered that I know at times he would like to be alone with others. so it's my hang ups that are holding him back from doing what he really wants . I want more than anything for him to be happy. I can't expect him to feel the same way I do all the time. Who the fuck am I to think his every thought should be of me. We are individuals as well as a couple. But when I do play alone, my every thought is of him, that's why I won't do that anymore. There is nothing worse that having sex with someone while thinking, I want to get this over with so I can see my husband. It's not fair to me or my playmate.

 

Aliloeverything, You think my reasons for jealousy run deeper that that. I think your right. He is attracted to all kinds of woman and the fact is, I am not attracted to many guys at all except him. Mabe it bothers me simply that he would want to play alone at all. I love going out and don't want to stop, but mabe your right that it should stop for a while. I am sitting at a computer at 10 am on a thursday crying as I write and that isn't good. I hardly slept at all last night, I just kept dwelling on it and getting more pissed off. I also think my jealousy may come from always having had a very low self esteem. When we first started going out, I was amazed at how many people were interested in me. It made me feel good, but didn't change what I think of myself. I think I will have him read all these post and then mabe have long talk. I just don't know what I want him to say, I don't think he can say much to make me feel better, he has said it all. I think I need to work this out for myself. He is the guy at the party that attracts alot of attention, funny, outgoing, the woman love him. He could play non stop if he wanted. I am the woman who is quite, trying not to make eye contact as I may have to avoid advances and I am strangly uncomfortable saying no.

 

Please everyone feel free to speak your mind to me, I won't take offense at all, I want to hear all opinions wether I like them or not. I really need to quit my night job and get a day job, I am so tired and that is most likely why I am sitting here crying like baby. I think I need to toughen up a bit lol Thanks guys for letting me vent.

 

Wow!!! This post could almost have been written by me!! NDN is the same way. He's funny, flirty, outgoing and gets a lot of female attention. He would be happy to play alone but knows that one of my rules is that he doesn't play unless I'm present. I'm more the quiet type and I too have been uncomfortable saying no (something that caused a bit of a problem a couple of weeks ago as a matter of fact) I don't play at all (not even soft play), but I want to be present because even though I don't play, I'm still his other half and I don't want to be totally excluded.

 

You guys need to sit down and really communicate to each other. Tell him what your boundaries are as far as your comfort level of his involvement of play and ask him flat out if he can respect those boundaries. If not, then you need to stop swinging until you're both on board with things. I'm still having trouble with being totally comfortable with NDN being in the lifestyle. It's caused me to be on an emotional roller coaster ride at times and let me tell you, it's not a fun or healthy way to be. Open and honest communication is the big key here. Tell him your thoughts, your fears, your insecurities. Talk to each other and really listen. Come together as a team to try to work things out......Thats what NDN and I have been doing as of late ourselves and open, honest communication has been really helpful to us.....Good luck to you!

[chakka 28]

I agree with you Firefly, we or I think rather I need to be be forward with my communication. To be very clear. Say what I feel even if it's not how I WANT to feel.

 

 

I am also thinking, , that the big issue here is I am not happy with myself.

Is that digging too deep? Like I said I'm tired.

[DigginIt 1,132]

He is attracted to all kinds of woman and the fact is, I am not attracted to many guys at all except him. Mabe it bothers me simply that he would want to play alone at all.

 

Chakka, speaking frankly 'as a guy' but not speaking for all guys, we have a sliding scale. It's usually pretty wide and if any woman fits into that range then as a guy we will sleep with them if the opportunity presents itself.

 

Keep this in swinging context here and not a monogamous relationship.

 

It has nothing to do with love but just mere attraction and lust.

 

Getting into some of the other things that seem to be on your mind. Others may disagree with me here but in a relationship, nothing is more important than my wife and her happiness. Do I do things that make her unhappy at times, certainly, but as a loving husband who wants to please her; it is in my nature to try to work things out mutually.

 

You two definitely need to stop, for awhile at least and work this out. If either one of you have a problem then you both have a problem because when you got married, that's what you signed up for. Feelings are feelings and it doesn't matter if they are right, wrong or indifferent. You can't help your emotions and if you are having emotional distress over the lifestyle then like any problem in a marriage, it has to be worked out. If not, it will just continue to drive a wedge further and further into your relationship until your another statistic of 'swinging kills marriages.'

 

My thoughts of 'who the fuck am I to think that his every thought should be of me' is that every action a husband or wife takes should be with consideration of the person he/she loves more than anyone else in the world.

 

I haven't heard your husbands side of the story and there are always two sides but just listening to your side, my gut feeling is that if he is not interested in working this out with you then he has already decided that he likes the lifestyle more than he cares for your feelings.

[little firefly 64]

I am also thinking, , that the big issue here is I am not happy with myself. Is that digging too deep? Like I said I'm tired.

 

That definitely could be a problem. I've had a problem with self esteem over the years, and NDN wanting to play with other women has definitely not helped with my perception of myself, even though I've had other men tell me that I'm attractive. I've had to try to work on my own self image in order to be ok with NDN wanting to remain in the LS......What I would do is back off, or at least slow down any lifestyle activities for now. Work on your self image and work on bringing more closeness into your relationship with your husband. When it comes down to it, your feelings about yourself and your relationship with him is far more important than anything else at all!!....As NDN has told me several times about the LS "sex is just sex, but love is love"...I think that should include love of yourself as well as of your spouse!

[little firefly 64]

Chakka, speaking frankly 'as a guy' but not speaking for all guys, we have a sliding scale. It's usually pretty wide and if any woman fits into that range then as a guy we will sleep with them if the opportunity presents itself.

 

Keep this in swinging context here and not a monogamous relationship.

 

It has nothing to do with love but just mere attraction and lust.

 

Getting into some of the other things that seem to be on your mind. Others may disagree with me here but in a relationship, nothing is more important than my wife and her happiness. Do I do things that make her unhappy at times, certainly, but as a loving husband who wants to please her; it is in my nature to try to work things out mutually.

 

You two definitely need to stop, for awhile at least and work this out. If either one of you have a problem then you both have a problem because when you got married, that's what you signed up for. Feelings are feelings and it doesn't matter if they are right, wrong or indifferent. You can't help your emotions and if you are having emotional distress over the lifestyle then like any problem in a marriage, it has to be worked out. If not, it will just continue to drive a wedge further and further into your relationship until your another statistic of 'swinging kills marriages.'

 

My thoughts of 'who the fuck am I to think that his every thought should be of me' is that every action a husband or wife takes should be with consideration of the person he/she loves more than anyone else in the world.

 

I haven't heard your husbands side of the story and there are always two sides but just listening to your side, my gut feeling is that if he is not interested in working this out with you then he has already decided that he likes the lifestyle more than he cares for your feelings.

 

......Wholeheartedly!

[chakka 28]

You both make alot of good points and I am so grateful for your thoughts. The Mr is interested in working things out. He doesn't want to go out again any time soon or until I am happy. He really does have our relationships best interest at heart.

[vanillaknot 99]

After about an hour of fending off single guys and too much dwelling on it and too much drinking ( heavy drinking) stupid I know

 

I've scanned through the thread, and I think a lot of good points were made, but I wanted to come back to just this.

 

You were drinking. It's not clear if you started before The Incident began, but I would wager a day or two's salary that you did, and I consider my odds on that bet to be very good indeed, and clearly it went on at considerable length after The Incident was underway.

 

Drinking more than modestly puts everything -- AB SO LUTE LY EV ERY THING -- in question. I for one am sick to death of having to deal with drunks at swing events, to the point that I've made a policy for us that if more than 1 person is drinking to an extent that I personally regard as "beyond modestly," we won't stay. Alcohol is the best manufacturer of drama that I know. Drama is for theatre classes.

 

Stop drinking heavily when you go to swing events. If you "need" to drink substantially, something else is Wrong and you are overdue to re-evaluate. A drink or two is one thing, but "too much drinking ( heavy drinking)" is a clear indicator that you were no longer in control of yourself, probably (based on experience) from well before the time that The Incident began. If you avoid drinking so much, your head will stay clear enough for you to handle a normal emotional load, able to evaluate and interact as an adult.

 

[Obligatory observation, once again, that I formerly did doorman/bouncer duty at a swinger club, and have escorted nasty/angry/crying/generally stressed drunks out the door more than twice. I've got an attitude the size of Montana that comes from direct personal experience.]

[fun4Ds 1,098]

we or I think rather I need to be be forward with my communication. To be very clear. Say what I feel even if it's not how I WANT to feel.

Thats exactly what you should do

 

I am also thinking, that the big issue here is I am not happy with myself.

Is that digging too deep?

No its not to deep. In fact, I for one think your hitting pay dirt now. And for what its worth, we have dug clear to china a few days over a few issues ourselves.

Like I said I'm tired.

Get some rest and talk more if you like sometime. We're here to talk about all aspects of swinging.... This is the place we can talk openly.

If you avoid drinking so much, your head will stay clear enough for you to handle a normal emotional load, able to evaluate and interact as an adult.

Not necessarily. I mean I agree with what your saying but the truth is it takes support. Take someone like me who has had plenty of party life. Once I decided to go completely sober while swinging its different, It really is. I had to learn to deal with everything in a new way. In fact, it was more challenging at times in the beginning, once the uninhibitors were gone. I don't mind admitting it, or talking about it. If thats what would help Mrs chakka.

 

[JustAskJulie 2,595]

Here's the scenario I saw in what you posted....

 

You had previously played with folks at this party separately so they were used to you both being allowed to do so. At that point it's up to each of you to make it very clear to others that that is no longer allowed, and that can be difficult to do. It sucks being the bad guy, and disappointing people.

 

I don't know what led up to him going into that room, but...

 

He was walking into a play room with two other women (before consulting you)... and saw you on his way in. He didn't stop to ask you about playing or ask you to join him. He knew the new rules and was already in the process of braking them (from best I can tell) before he saw you. He may have thought once he saw you that you'd join him... but what if he hadn't seen you on the way in there? Then what would his reasoning have been?

 

You had a right to be upset. Yes, you could have joined him, but you felt slighted (I would have too). Did you handle it well? Nope, not all, but you know that. The question now is what to do NOW.

 

Should you quit swinging? Maybe for a while until you know you can both handle and agree on the new rules. If either of you aren't going to be happy with swinging a certain way then you have to either not swing or find a new approach. Would you miss it? Yep. But when swinging is this much of an emotional headache, it probably is time to take a break (at the very least).

[ClosetSwinger 112]

Here's my take on it.

 

If your rule is NO PLAYING ALONE and your husband goes into a room with two women for more then an hour while your outside somewhere fuming.....HE BROKE THE RULE. Plain and simple. It's not the two playmates fault by an means...it's his.

 

I can't say enough how important communication is in swinging. WE hhad a rough start because we didnt COMPLETELY communicate our feelings at first. Partially because neither of us wanted to be the "party pooper".

 

 

At swing parties I am typically the outgoing chatting one and hubby likes to sit and watch me. I ALWAYS make sure to go over to him if there is not a play mate with him or if he is alone just hanging out and say are you okay, do you want me to hang here with you for a while, have you seen anyone you want to play with??. I do this often because I want to know we are both having a good time and that no one is feeling left out.

[chakka 28]

Wow. Everyone here has been a huge help to me. Aside from my husband, there is no to talk to about the LS. Thank you very much for your thoughts and time.

 

Although my husband and I had talked about all this and I thought we had said everything there was to say about it, it was still eating at me over the last several days. It's been emotionally draining just to think about it. That takes alot of energy out of you. So, anyway, we talked about it again.

 

The Mr. is with you Closet Swinger, There was a rule, he broke it, it was his fault, not mine. I couldn't understand why I couldn't seem to even start getting over this yet. He thinks it's because I am pissed, but never got pissed. I never said, you did this, and this, and this and acted like an asshole and really hurt me. I don't show my anger. So we talked some more about what happened and I did show a some anger this time I guess although not in your typical yelling sort of way. He can't give me an excuse for what he did because he says there is no excuse for it. He takes full responsibility for what happened. That was yesterday and I have felt much better since. Not sure where we'll go from here. He says cool off for a while....call me a glutten for punishment, but there is a party next month I would love to go to. A little more open talk about how I feel and not how I want to feel and mabe we will just make that party. LOL I know what I want out of play, I think I need to take a more forward approach to finding it. Instead of standing off to the side quietly, I need to take a more active roll in the night turning out in a way I am happy with. So we will chill for now, but next month I will most likely be voting...That sucked. Let's try it again! Thank you everyone.

[The Fuse 1,012]

Wonderful news. I hope you find that solid ground where you know certain rules will be adhered to.

 

I apologize for sounding harsh in my other post. My point of view is as someone who's always had to be responsible for more than fifty percent of the communication. Definitely the responsibility lies with your husband, though you may have been able to prevent what happened after he went in. You need to be able to trust each other.

 

I hope we'll see more of you around here.

[chakka 28]

Wonderful news. I hope you find that solid ground where you know certain rules will be adhered to.

 

I apologize for sounding harsh in my other post. My point of view is as someone who's always had to be responsible for more than fifty percent of the communication. Definitely the responsibility lies with your husband, though you may have been able to prevent what happened after he went in. You need to be able to trust each other.

 

I hope we'll see more of you around here.

 

 

 

You were not harsh at all. Yours was a question I was asking myself as well and that is what is so great about the board, you can get different angles and questions from people that can help me think through issues. It has been a big help and I welcome all thoughts. Sometimes things that you don't want to hear, are the things you really need to hear. Thanks