Debriefing w/partner...

[Learning 160]

On our way to a party last night it struck me that my hubby and I haven't been debriefing about our experiences lately. We're newer to the lifestyle and took the official dive last weekend but afterward we didn't chat about it at all except that it was fun. Last night we hit a party and had a blast, nothing big but I danced with this guy that got me so hot from touching him and kissing him that I would love to share the my feelings with hubby but finding the right time to debrief is challenging. I'm just wondering how you all debrief and how I can strengthen my debrief with him?

[xxxboxy 139]

We debrief on the drive home and usually continue after we get home. Then chat about it again several times over the course of the following days. I can't even imagine not talking about our activities. Heck they are frequently discussed as we're making love in the days following an encounter.

[SW_PA_Couple 4,024]

Hmmm. For JoAnn and I, the "debriefing" begin the second the card door closes, continues all the way home and continues, to some degree or another, for weeks or even months. I tell her, "I really went wild when so-and-so came up behind me and . . .". She says, "So-and-so uses his lips such-and-such a way on my you-know-what."

 

Any time we are away from ears that should not hear is a good time for a debriefing or a discussion.

 

Hope this helps.

 

~Michael

[ViSexual 1,008]

You know, my wife and I never really discussed what we liked or didn't like after our experiences.

 

I think that might be why we hit a dead-end. Sure wish I could have a mulligan on those 'afters'!

[realcplub2 513]

Always discuss, ALWAYS

 

Not necessarily the graphic details, but more a compairing of notes, and getting an overall concensus of how we felt it went.

 

Never leave anything unsaid, if something bothered either of you.. Dont let it go.. Better to get it out and work it out..

[LikeMinds321 1,527]

 

For JoAnn and I, the "debriefing" begin the second the card door closes, continues all the way home and continues, to some degree or another, for weeks or even months.

Ditto.

 

We look forward to the privacy of the interior of our car after playing. We talk the whole drive home. And if a thought pops into our heads about play with so-and-so weeks or months later, we'll do some more talking.

 

LM

[fun4Ds 1,098]

We start talking as soon as we can, privacy is key...... But ya know, we have talked with our playmates as well about how we feel.

 

We're also talking about a romp or two we had over 25 years ago....

 

I can't believe there is ever a time to stop talking, at least, occasionally in private.

[Learning 160]

Thanks for the advice. When we were running errands yesterday I used the time to debrief. I brought up the notion of debriefing

and he thought that we have been. Maybe my debrief style is different than his. I love to hear what he found exciting, who he was attracted to, what he enjoyed, etc. I got a little out of him which is awesome so I will keep on working with him. I've heard that this lifestyle is all about communication, communication, communication but getting it to a higher level is going to maybe take time, I'm moe into sharing he's a tad guarded.

[SecretAsianMan 348]

For some people...

 

"How'd it go?"

"It was great!"

 

...is all the debriefing that they need.

 

Some like to really discuss great details ...

 

I was with so-and-so and they did such-and-such and it was really great feeling so-and-so's such-and-such ... I would love to be with so-and-so again... was there anyone there that you wanted to get with that we missed? ..etc., etc., etc.

 

It doesn't have to be a right-away sort of thing ... it can be something y'all talk about for days (or weeks) afterward. I bring up things that happened the last time or the time before while talking to my current partner whom I bring with me to swing-parties and we use it as conversation-fodder or as something to fire-up the imagination / libido for next time

[sexcupid 809]

Thanks for the advice. When we were running errands yesterday I used the time to debrief. I brought up the notion of debriefing and he thought that we have been. Maybe my debrief style is different than his. I love to hear what he found exciting, who he was attracted to, what he enjoyed, etc. I got a little out of him which is awesome so I will keep on working with him. I've heard that this lifestyle is all about communication, communication, communication but getting it to a higher level is going to maybe take time, I'm more into sharing he's a tad guarded.

 

 

If this last time out was your first experience...then of course he may be a tad bit guarded, especially if he didn't know what you wanted. But he could be guarded in not wanting to hurt your feelings (ie: being too excited about something that happened) or just in feeling that saying "wow, that was fun" is enough for him.

 

Communication is key, but perhaps finding a middle ground that you both can live with...I mean, when something is fun...sometimes picking apart all the details afterwards can make it less fun or a less fun memory to recall. This may not be an exact correlation...but for example...the statement "I like chocolate ice cream" well why? "because it tastes good" why does it taste good "because it's yummy" what makes it yummy to you? so on and so forth...not that the ice cream may be any less yummy the next time you try to eat it, but your enjoyment in eating may be the slightest bit diminished by the thought of having to hash out every little reason why. Not the best example...but hey it's nearly 3am.

 

The communication (and at what level the both of you are comfortable sharing) will take time...but there's a fine line in having 2 way communication vs. interrogation. Personally, we have tended to work under the assumption that the other had a good time, unless something happened that we both were present for or that one of us mentioned afterwards. But then again, I don't particuarly care to know all the details, just that he enjoyed what happened for the night. Viva la difference!

[Learning 160]

Thanks sexcupid. Loved the advice. Hubby laughed and noted"yeah you do that". Thanks for the observation and it will help a ton

[JustAskJulie 2,595]

For us it's on the drive home as well. Can't think of anything better to talk about during that time If for some reason we don't get to drive home that night (or one of us is passed out while the other is driving) we will usually get around to it the next day at some point.

[DigginIt 1,132]

Thanks for the advice. When we were running errands yesterday I used the time to debrief. I brought up the notion of debriefing

and he thought that we have been.

 

Speaking as a guy, we generally suck at opening up and expressing our feelings. My wife has always said that I was better than most guys she had known but at the end of the day was still pretty far to the left on the sucking scale. Overtime, I've actually taken the lead role in discussions and a lot of it comes from a understanding and secure feeling that her reactions will not be judgmental when I am sharing my feelings. When we started swinging, we totally broke new ground in our communication.

 

Hopefully it will be the same for you and your spouse.

[quietlykinky 40]

Yup, same here. We always talk about it as soon as we're alone together. If that just doesn't happen, right before bed is always a good time and always private.

[sweet_tna 680]

Glad ya'll had a good experience, and that you are, at least communicating on some level. I'll be the first to admit that between Mr. Sweet and me, I'm the one more likely to hash over the details of the evening, while he's content with a brief overview. That's just because we have different communication styles.

 

The important thing is that you DO talk, and that anything important gets discussed.

 

Best of luck to ya'll!

[toofartoosee 31]

Hi everyone; great points. as far as me , and Mrs 2C, we always talk, and for as long as we get enjoyment from the conversation. We like to use it as a spring board for when we have our after going out get together, and so ons. I have tried to be very receptive to any of our swinging conversations, and us then as gauges to how we are doing all around.

Sexcupid brings up something I have yet to deal with thanksfully. If the talks started to go in that dirrection I would take it as a warning sign. And try to make sure I understood why she wanted to know why I liked chocolate. Making sure that it was understood that it's nothing compaired to mint chocolate chip, which is by far the best for me. without over selling it, and looking like a kiss ass. Not that kissing ass is that bad a thing, but there is a time, and a place for it.

2C

[willyoats 324]

Like many of the others who replied here, we discussed our encounters pretty soon after they happened.

 

No one, however, mentioned that they are still talking about some of the most memorable ones more than 20 years after they happened. We do.

 

I hope our newbie friends will be able to say that 20 years from now.

[CXXC 435]

Like Julie, Mrs. CXXC and I discuss the event on the drive home unless she is so exhausted she falls asleep first. The reason she has the ability to do so is that during the first 20-30 minutes, my mind is filled with the images and activities just moments past. I recall my thoughts and feelings of the event in its entirity. Once all is recalled wiht reasonable clarity, the conversation starts.

 

There have been times when we have gotten in the vehicle or the guests have left our home/hotel room the only words that fit the event are, "WOW!" or "That was awesome!"

 

In the event either of us have a solo engagement we have an agreement to share the details immediately! As we may not be in the same state at such a time, a phone call or E-mail works perfectly.

 

Guys, by nature dont really discuss their feelings. We have been conditioned to be this way. Opening up and letting anyone know what we "feel" feels like a weakness or simply not right.

 

the best way to initiate the desired conversation is to speak of your views, thoughts and feelings aobut the event or activity while attempting to draw him into it with open ended questions, such as; "What did you think about this?"

 

It may not always work, but it is a start. Communication is key!

 

On another side of that coin, he may very well be so private concerning his thoughts and feelings within the lifestyle that he may never fully open up.

 

It is different things to different people!

 

Hope you both have a WONDERFUL adventure together!

[Trace Ekies 186]

Mrs. Ekies likes to hear all of the intimate details but doesn't like to give them.

 

Over the past few years I've gotten her to talk, in detail, about the event. It seems to me that she will tell me about what she liked best so that I can learn and provide a better experience for both of us.

 

As time has passed she's gotten to where she'll get into the details of how he/she/them do what they do and then give her opinion as to what she liked and if she thought they were good/great/greatest.

 

Finding time can be tricky but as your ease with this type of communication grows you'll find plenty of time and learn things that will turn you on a great deal. Next thing you know, you'll be quizzing potential partners to see if they're into something to make his experience better.

 

From there it's more fun than I thought possible.

 

Trace

[SoFlaCp 85]

Wife and I always talk in detail and replay portions for quite some time to each other. She and I both still revel in the freedom of this open discussion - but for me took a bit of effort to be sure I was 100% honest and up front in what I liked, what I wanted that hadn't happened, and what I did not like. These are always positive, fun discussion and we always walk away with a "...well, we learned something new..." - and that has happened every time.

 

It is incredibly sexy to replay and hear your mate talk about how good it was, how slutty she felt, etc. - to me! For me a re-affirmation of our comfort and closeness (and vice-versa I'm told). We dove into this headfirst and haven't really looked back so maybe still in "honeymoon" phase? Whatever, each time when we get home we end up screwing like rabbits as we've made each other so excited. For us talking about it - less a debrief than sharing - is a great part of the whole experience...but we are also one of those couples that loves watching the other as well as exhibition, so this matches up with our motivation.