Will I ever get over our swinging experience?

[Guest Unregistered]

I need help. I've been married to my husband for 12 years. We've had an incredible marriage, we are very open and loving and have always had great communication.

 

Ten months ago my husband and I decided to try swinging. We met with several couples and despite our "no play on the first date" rule, one night things just happened. I really wasn't attracted to the guy, but I figured I'd go for it because everyone else seemed to be into it. I performed oral sex on him while his wife performed oral sex on my husband.

 

The second it was over I felt disgusted. I couldn't wait to get out of there. I started crying the second we were out the front door. My husband was in shock, he had no idea I didn't want to do it. It was my fault for not telling everyone I wasn't comfortable. Even the other couple had told us never to play if you aren't comfortable.

 

Since that night our marriage has been in shambles. My husband feels terrible, he has gone out of his way to be loving and incredible and wonderful but it doesn't help. We started seeing a therapist. At first I went alone, then we started going together. It really hasn't helped much.

 

I just feel "numb" towards my husband now. I care deeply about him, but I'm no longer in love with him. Sex is still good, but I usually feel like I'm having sex with a stranger. I no longer enjoy performing oral sex on him and this was something I always used to like. In fact, I don't even like watching BJs in adult movies any more.

 

Has anyone gone through this before? Is there a way to heal our marriage? We have kids and a great life. I want my marriage back, I want to love my husband again but I think I'm so deeply traumatized I don't even know where to begin.

 

Please, please help. Thank you.

[Alura 2,774]

to the Swingers Board, Unregistered. I'm so sorry to learn about the uncomfortable situation you had (and still have) to deal with. I'm sure I join you in wishing it had never happened. Unfortunately, It did, and you can never do anything to change that.

 

My old Pappy used to say, "Shouldadones don't count!" The only thing you can do to correct the mistake YOU made (which was not saying "NO!" at the time and going home) is to put it out of your mind and realize you can't do anything to change the past.

 

You have a wonderful husband who is doing everything he can to help you deal with the pain the mistake has caused you. I'm sure he will continue to help you. Trust in him and work from here.

 

The only thing you should feel guilty about is being human and trying to go for the easy way out... being human is never anything to feel guilty about. Think about all the fabulous decisions you've made before (and will make in the future) and work hard to put your life back together.

 

Please register so you can return to this thread and answer questions. There will be a lot of wonderful people who will want to help you but won't be able to if they can't communicate with you. The Swingers Board will be here for you.

 

Mr. Alura

[slevin 1,374]

I agree with Alura. There are really two main thoughts on how to deal with issues like this:

 

1. Get to the root cause of your feelings so you can move past them

2. Recognize that you can't change the past, accept it and move on

 

I am a big fan of accepting it and moving on, because getting to the root cause doesn't usually make you feel any better. Once you get there you still need to accept it and move on anyway! So why waste the time dwelling on the past, beating yourself up and punishing yourself and others, when you could be out in the world having fun and enjoying life with your family. Easier said that done, no doubt about it. I suspect that there is more to the situation than you let on; I suspect that there was issues under the surface before you started swinging.

 

Hard to take a guess at what that might be without further discussion of course, and even then I'm not a therapist. Only an armchair one If talking to your therapist isn't helping then find another one. I'd also recommend seeing a psychologist rather than just a therapist. Find one who understands swinging and the complexities involved in those situations. Find one you like talking to. Don't be afraid to test drive one then move on.

 

Hope you register so we can continue to talk to you

[Swing*8701 887]

You are giving an amazing amount of power to a brief moment in time. The reason might be that you are amazingly angry with yourself for doing something you were not ready for. Until you give up that anger, or minimize it, you will make those around you suffer as a way of punishing yourself. That is a terrible choice. A therapist and some perspective seem like a great idea.

[xxxboxy 139]

I'm still trying to figure out why you've focused negatively on your husband. You don't love him anymore? Did he force you into this in any way?

 

You say therapy isn't helping. Have you forgiven yourself yet? Until you do I don't think that you'll be able to move on past this. In order to fix your marriage you're going to have to fix yourself first and hope that you haven't driven your husband too far away.

[Additude 457]

Sounds like an extreme reaction to me.

 

Not something the least bit "normal" or predictable.

 

So I dont know what to think...

[lizandtom 512]

Unregistered, you have communication confusion. Because of what happened you're projecting the negative experience to a fault of your husband so therefore you don't trust him, and that's what's changed in your relationship. You are also using this as a way to garner attention from your husband in a passive aggressive manner. Ten months is a long time to carry on your pretense that he did something wrong. Grow up; you're an adult; it's time to start thinking with your head, not your guilt, and chalk it up to one not so pleasant experience. You are not perfect and no one expects you to be; your husband isn't either, and it's the bad as well as the good experiences that we learn from to deal with similar circumstances in the future.

 

Twelve years is a lifetime in lifestyle years as far as developing open lines of communication with your husband, and everyone above has said it so well; learn to only allow yourself to indulge when you feel the chemistry with someone.

[JustAskJulie 2,595]

I agree with Alura. There are really two main thoughts on how to deal with issues like this:

 

1. Get to the root cause of your feelings so you can move past them

2. Recognize that you can't change the past, accept it and move on

 

I am a big fan of accepting it and moving on, because getting to the root cause doesn't usually make you feel any better. Once you get there you still need to accept it and move on anyway! So why waste the time dwelling on the past, beating yourself up and punishing yourself and others, when you could be out in the world having fun and enjoying life with your family. Easier said that done, no doubt about it. I suspect that there is more to the situation than you let on; I suspect that there was issues under the surface before you started swinging.

 

Hard to take a guess at what that might be without further discussion of course, and even then I'm not a therapist. Only an armchair one If talking to your therapist isn't helping then find another one. I'd also recommend seeing a psychologist rather than just a therapist. Find one who understands swinging and the complexities involved in those situations. Find one you like talking to. Don't be afraid to test drive one then move on.

 

Hope you register so we can continue to talk to you

 

Have to agree with all of the above.

 

That said, no you aren't alone there have been others who have felt badly after their initial (or only) swinging encounter, whether guilt or something else. Swinging isn't for you but hopefully you can find your love for your husband again.

[DigginIt 1,132]

Unregistered, you have communication confusion. Because of what happened you're projecting the negative experience to a fault of your husband so therefore you don't trust him, and that's what's changed in your relationship. You are also using this as a way to garner attention from your husband in a passive aggressive manner. Ten months is a long time to carry on your pretense that he did something wrong. Grow up; you're an adult; it's time to start thinking with your head, not your guilt, and chalk it up to one not so pleasant experience. You are not perfect and no one expects you to be; your husband isn't either, and it's the bad as well as the good experiences that we learn from to deal with similar circumstances in the future.

 

Twelve years is a lifetime in lifestyle years as far as developing open lines of communication with your husband, and everyone above has said it so well; learn to only allow yourself to indulge when you feel the chemistry with someone.

 

Couldn't have stated it any better !!

[The Fuse 1,012]

To the OP:

 

Were you ever sexually abused growing up?

 

The reason I ask is that you seem to have had such an outsized reaction to an experience where you went down on a man you weren't attracted to. I was never abused, but I've had more than one woman tell me that they don't give blow jobs because Uncle so-and-so made them do it as a child. I know you said you have always enjoyed it with your husband (and that is great!), but this other man was not someone you knew well and trusted. You felt pressure to go along, regardless of where that pressure came from. The strength and duration of your reaction made me think there's something else going on here besides just the experience you described.... something more significant. So I thought perhaps this experience brought back memories of something else, something more traumatic.

 

Sorry if I'm way off base. I don't mean any disrespect. I hope you do come back and register, and let us know some more about you.

[fun4Ds 1,098]

If you truly feel like you say you do, I can only thank you for telling others who might not consider the possible outcomes, fully.

 

Swinging, is not for everyone.....

 

I think it took a very big person to explain how you feel here. I think it took an even bigger person to seek some professional help like you have.

 

If you care to register and talk some things out, we may not have any answers but we could listen.

 

If not, we understand.....

 

Again, Thank you.

[messedup 15]

Okay, I registered so I could write back (I'm the original poster of this thread). In response some of the questions/comments see below for the comments in bold/italics:

 

Were you ever sexually abused growing up? No, I was not.

 

The reason I ask is that you seem to have had such an outsized reaction to an experience where you went down on a man you weren't attracted to. I think my reaction is more to seeing my husband being pleased by another woman and less than by what I did to the guy.

 

Sorry if I'm way off base. I don't mean any disrespect. No worries and it was a good question.

 

Swinging isn't for you but hopefully you can find your love for your husband again. Oh yes, this I know. And being in love with him again is all I want.

 

Because of what happened you're projecting the negative experience to a fault of your husband so therefore you don't trust him, and that's what's changed in your relationship. Sorry, I disagree with this. I don't think what happened was his fault and trust is not a problem here.

 

You are also using this as a way to garner attention from your husband in a passive aggressive manner. Attention? Are you kidding me?

 

Ten months is a long time to carry on your pretense that he did something wrong. I don't think he did anything wrong. I sure wish he could have "read" me better that night, but ultimately I take responsibility for giving him the go-ahead when I didn't mean it.

 

I'm still trying to figure out why you've focused negatively on your husband. Me too! He didn't do anything wrong!

 

You don't love him anymore? The second we left their apartment I felt differently towards him. It was like something inside me just shut off. I love him, I care about him - but I feel distant and numb. Like the love I would feel for any male friend.

 

Did he force you into this in any way? Not at all. In fact, playing with others was MY idea, go figure!

 

You say therapy isn't helping. Have you forgiven yourself yet? Until you do I don't think that you'll be able to move on past this. In order to fix your marriage you're going to have to fix yourself first and hope that you haven't driven your husband too far away. YES, you are 100% correct. I don't know HOW to forgive myself! That's exactly what my therapist keeps saying!

 

You are giving an amazing amount of power to a brief moment in time. The reason might be that you are amazingly angry with yourself for doing something you were not ready for. Until you give up that anger, or minimize it, you will make those around you suffer as a way of punishing yourself. YES, this is also very true and I am aware of it. I tend to hold onto anger and I don't deal with it well. I'm working on this with my therapist, but I can't seem to move past it.

 

I am a big fan of accepting it and moving on, because getting to the root cause doesn't usually make you feel any better. Once you get there you still need to accept it and move on anyway! So why waste the time dwelling on the past, beating yourself up and punishing yourself and others, when you could be out in the world having fun and enjoying life with your family.

Hehehe, I like the way you think! Accepting it and moving on is most definitely where I'm stuck. I don't know how to do that!

 

I suspect that there is more to the situation than you let on; I suspect that there was issues under the surface before you started swinging. Nope, there really wasn't. We've had an amazing marriage. Have there been rough spots? Of course. But over all we've been best friends and lovers and husband and wife for 12 years. We got married quite young (I was 20, he was 24) so in a way we've grown up together. I still felt "tingly" just being near him until this happened. Now I'm just... numb.

 

If talking to your therapist isn't helping then find another one. I think she's actually a great therapist; I think the problem is ME. I'm not able to move past the anger or forgive myself or my husband. I don't even know where to start.

 

I'd also recommend seeing a psychologist rather than just a therapist. Really, why?

 

Find one who understands swinging and the complexities involved in those situations. I wouldn't be opposed to this. Where might I find someone that specializes in this type of "situation"?

 

My old Pappy used to say, "Shouldadones don't count!" The only thing you can do to correct the mistake YOU made (which was not saying "NO!" at the time and going home) is to put it out of your mind and realize you can't do anything to change the past. You're pappy was a wise man. This, however, is much easier said than done.

 

So ultimately, I think this boils down to this: Can I forgive myself and my husband? This is where I always get stuck. I don't even get the concept of forgiveness. I'm a very practical person, forgiveness isn't tangible. How does one forgive? I can say it... but how do I mean it?

 

Thanks everyone!

[Powerglide 235]

You say therapy isn't helping. Have you forgiven yourself yet? Until you do I don't think that you'll be able to move on past this. In order to fix your marriage you're going to have to fix yourself first and hope that you haven't driven your husband too far away.

 

 

I think this is the key here. Your feeling of disgust with yourself are blocking your love for your husband. But really, there is nothing to be ashamed of in any of this. You didn't do anything wrong; you just had a distasteful experience. Your husband didn't do anything wrong. There is nothing tainted here. You have 12 years of love -- try getting away for a weekend, have some no pressure fun, and just have fun with each other.

[Alura 2,774]

MessedUp Wrote:

 

You're pappy was a wise man. This, however, is much easier said than done.

 

Yes, he was. Not bad for an old Cherokee who didn't finish third grade. As one who has had to let a lot of "shouldadones" go, I can attest that it will happen the very instant you decide you want it to and realize how insignificant a part of your life it is.

 

In my opinion, the best tactic is to laugh about it.

 

About a century ago, about this time of year, my sister's boyfriend was planning to go to his family's ranch in Western Oklahoma for Christmas. He hadn't invited her to go, and she was pissed!!!

 

"Does he know you want to go?" I asked.

 

"Of course not!" she answered.

 

"Well, why don't you tell him?"

 

"I'm not gonna tell him!" she said emphatically. "He can read my mind once in awhile!" She paused, realized how ridiculous that was, and we both started laughing. The next day she found he'd never thought she would want to go so didn't even think of asking. Christmas afternoon they spent riding horses over the Oklahoma prairie.

 

Mr. Alura

[sexcupid 809]

Messed Up,

 

try AASECT :: American Association of Sex Counselors, Educators & Therapists for a certified sex therapist. there is also another link around here somewhere for kink-aware professionals (but there is some overlap btwn the 2 websites for therapists).

 

you can search for a provider in your area and most will list what they are comfortable dealing with.

 

good luck!

[slevin 1,374]

The reason that I said seek a psychologist rather than a therapist comes down to training and experience. A psychologist (especially one with more focused and advanced masters or PhD schooling) has a much deeper level of understanding of what is going on inside the human mind, psyche and personality. A therapist is often someone who has no psychology training and has instead gotten a diploma in some type of therapy coupled with an internship/training. You will sometimes find a therapist who is also a psychologist, but I believe that this is a rare combination. In different places the rules can be different, some places don't require a 'therapist' to have any special training or certification at all. Others have rigorous methods of ensuring only qualified people can call themselves therapists. All in all though I would always prefer to see a psychologist rather than a therapist.

 

In any given situation though I am going to look for someone who has a specialty in the issue I am dealing with. I am not going to see a psychologist who specializes in depression with teen girls if I am a grown man dealing with anxiety. Likewise if my issue is of a sexual nature, with my relationship and alternative sexual lifestyle then I am going to look for someone who understands that and has experience with dealing with those kinds of issues. Whether that is a therapist or psychologist. Depending on where you life that might be a tough call lol. Sexcupid gave you a great link to get started though.

 

As for learning how to accept it and move on, Alura has you on the right track. It will happen when you decide to make it happen. No special trick; when you decide (internally) to move past it, you will. You can do that consciously and force yourself to move past it. When you dwell on it, rather than let your mood and emotions be directed by those thoughts, do something to change your mood/emotions. Go to the gym, do something fun with your husband, pick up a hobby. It is tough at first, but the more adamant you are about doing it each time those feelings come up, the easier it gets until one day you are going along happily and realize that you haven't even thought about it for weeks. It all comes down to making a decision to not let it impact your life anymore.

 

As I said though, I'm no therapist or psychologist. That's my trick for breaking cycles I don't want to be in anymore.

 

Get out there and be active; exercise, do things you love to do, do things you and your husband love to do. Talk to him openly about it if you think it will help. Tell him what you're doing to try and work past it. Enlist his help when you need it, but don't put the ownership on his shoulders. Seek his help out at times when it's difficult for you to get your mind off it. Also note this isn't repressing I am trying to advocate; it's acceptance. You can't change what happened, all you can impact is what you're going to do next. How you feel is completely under your control.

 

One last thing; you have stated emphatically that you don't blame him, that you aren't holding anything against him etc. I think, based on the way you word things, that subconsciously you blame him at least a little. You stated that you felt he should have read you better...the fact that you mention that at all leads me in the direction of you holding onto some blame for him somewhere deep down. If you were owning this, that thought wouldn't even come up. For me, if I don't speak my mind during a swinging encounter the blame for the outcome is entirely on my shoulders. I can't apportion blame to anyone else for not picking up on my hesitancy, not even my highly perceptive wife. We have made an agreement between us that when it comes to swinging we have to be brutally honest and not expect one another to pick up on subtle cues that we might normally give each other. The situations are far too chaotic and intense to rely on that. I still look for them and pay attention, but you can't rely on them and I don't hold her accountable for not noticing mine.

[slevin 1,374]

Sorry for the novel lol, had more to say than I thought

[sexcupid 809]

Actually slevin...are you thinking of psychiatrist vs. psychologist. Most psychologists these days tend to be researchers, but there are clinical psychologists that do therapy. Psychiatrists are MDs that complete a 4 year residency...they just have a protracted "internship". lol And they can prescribe the happy pills of course.

 

As a student currently in a masters program in counseling, there is course work as well as internships (that last for roughly a year)...but all therapists (regardless of the letters behind their names) are required to be licensed by the state they practice in. Even if they hold a PhD, they all still hold the same license (LPC, LMFT, etc) and are required to have thousands of supervised hours before they are granted full licensure (which as a student looking at that, I think it bites...but logically speaking it's a good thing lol). Sure, a PhD may have more experience...but as long as you are comfortable with your therapist, that's really all that matters to most people.

 

To the OP, sometimes it is quite hard to be able to forgive yourself. I'm quite the brooder and tend to overthink things as well as internalize alot of things. It is hard to do, but if you are comfortable with your therapist...does she/he know the actual source of your distress?

[slevin 1,374]

Actually slevin...are you thinking of psychiatrist vs. psychologist. Most psychologists these days tend to be researchers, but there are clinical psychologists that do therapy. Psychiatrists are MDs that complete a 4 year residency...they just have a protracted "internship". lol And they can prescribe the happy pills of course.

 

As a student currently in a masters program in counseling, there is course work as well as internships (that last for roughly a year)...but all therapists (regardless of the letters behind their names) are required to be licensed by the state they practice in. Even if they hold a PhD, they all still hold the same license (LPC, LMFT, etc) and are required to have thousands of supervised hours before they are granted full licensure (which as a student looking at that, I think it bites...but logically speaking it's a good thing lol). Sure, a PhD may have more experience...but as long as you are comfortable with your therapist, that's really all that matters to most people.

 

To the OP, sometimes it is quite hard to be able to forgive yourself. I'm quite the brooder and tend to overthink things as well as internalize alot of things. It is hard to do, but if you are comfortable with your therapist...does she/he know the actual source of your distress?

 

There is also the psychologist vs psychiatrist decision as well yes. I don't like psychiatrists as much because they often are too quick to jump to prescribing some drugs rather than handling the issue in other ways. I was referring to therapist vs. psychologist (clinical for sure, rather than research) since most therapists aren't necessarily psychiatrists or psychologists. It depends on the area, but here you can be a licensed/registered therapist with a non-related or semi-related background (master of arts, degree in social work etc.). I'd rather not put my mental well being or relationship in the hands of anyone that doesn't have a lot of training and experience in that field....

[Cpl2share 147]

The OP said it all without knowing it. Her issue is not with giving head. Her issue is with seeing her husband GET head. Listen up kiddies: You enjoyed giving him pleasure orally. You know how much most men enjoy this, and also that there are a lot of women out there who will not go down on a man. This, in your mind has always been your little gift to him. Something that only you were giving to him. Now you have seen him receive this pelasure from someone else. Someone else gave him something that (in your mind) was always a "gift" from you. Now, I may be completely off base, but after a number of years in the LS, I have discovered that most "rules" that couple have are in some way predicated on the "you only get that from me" policy. IMHO: You are pissed that he enjoyed a blow job from someone else. If he had had trouble getting it up, you probably would have been okay still since he is still "devoted to you."

[sweet_tna 680]

Thank you for registering so that we can make the most out of our responses to you.

 

After reading all the posts in this thread, this statement is what stands out to me the most.

I think my reaction is more to seeing my husband being pleased by another woman and less than by what I did to the guy.

 

You also said playing with others was your idea. I'm guessing that's the main reason you went ahead with playtime even though you weren't really comfortable with it. To make matters worse, your hubby enjoyed himself while you didn't. That put you off, and part of you probably does have some negative feelings toward him for that, but you KNOW rationally that it's not his fault. It's Hell when your feelings aren't very rational, huh?

 

Please know that while I am prone to sarcasm and cheek, I'm being very sincere here. The following quotations are from an animated feature, but I believe they are very appropos here.

 

Oogway: My friend, the panda will never fulfill his destiny, nor you yours until you let go of the illusion of control.

Shifu: Illusion?

Oogway: Yes.

[points at peach tree]

Oogway: Look at this tree, Shifu: I cannot make it blossom when it suits me nor make it bear fruit before its time.

Shifu: But there are things we *can* control: I can control when the fruit will fall, I can control where to plant the seed: that is no illusion, Master!

Oogway: Ah, yes. But no matter what you do, that seed will grow to be a peach tree. You may wish for an apple or an orange, but you will get a peach.

Shifu: But a peach cannot defeat Tai Lung!

Oogway: Maybe it can, if you are willing to guide, to nurture it, to believe in it.

Shifu: But how? How? I need your help, master.

Oogway: No, you just need to believe. Promise me, Shifu, promise me you will believe.

 

Translation: You have to be willing to let go of the hurt and anger of the situation and believe that you CAN forgive yourself and your hubby. Once you start believing it's possible, then it will begin to happen.

 

Best of luck to you both,

 

Sweet

[socolais 696]

Translation: You have to be willing to let go of the hurt and anger of the situation and believe that you CAN forgive yourself and your hubby. Once you start believing it's possible, then it will begin to happen.

 

Best of luck to you both,

 

Sweet

 

Swinging Zen. How Sweet is that???

[Additude 457]

I'm curious, have/did you explain to your therapist that it was your feelings of seeing your husband that caused you the most emotional stress?

 

I ask only because I feel that telling your therapist such a thing would dispose of half the battle of discovering what the main cause was. Then at that point shift the focus on recovery and coping, etc.

 

It doesn't sound as if you are/were at that stage of the therapy.

 

Disclosing that to your therapist I believe would have made a significant positive impact on your recovery and acceptance.

[padoc 1,703]

What's to forgive? You are making this much to complicated. You had an experience that you didn't particularly enjoy. OK! But so what? If you weren't a virgin before you met your husband then you had had sexual experiences before, some were good, some not so good. Did you beat yourself up about them? I doubt it. This was just a blow job. It was supposed to be recreational. Brush your teeth and get over it before you dump your marriage.

[messedup 15]

Wow, thanks so much for all of the fantastic feedback and support. I appreciate it more than you can possibly imagine. I've responded again to several of the questions/comments below in bold/italics:

 

Your feeling of disgust with yourself are blocking your love for your husband.

I think you are onto something here...

 

You have 12 years of love -- try getting away for a weekend, have some no pressure fun, and just have fun with each other. Trust me, we'd like nothing more! But we're in the middle of buying a new house, we have kids, money is tight... it's hard!

 

Talk to him openly about it if you think it will help. Tell him what you're doing to try and work past it. We are more open and honest that 99% of married couples out there. I just totally blew it that night. We talk about it all the time, he'll do anything to help me.

 

Enlist his help when you need it, but don't put the ownership on his shoulders. I never put ownership on his shoulders. I'm fully aware that this is MY issue to work through.

 

How you feel is completely under your control. Other people say this too. I don't get it. How do you change how you feel??

 

I think, based on the way you word things, that subconsciously you blame him at least a little. I think you are right.

 

You stated that you felt he should have read you better...the fact that you mention that at all leads me in the direction of you holding onto some blame for him somewhere deep down. If you were owning this, that thought wouldn't even come up. Yep, I agree with you.

 

The situations are far too chaotic and intense to rely on that. Yeah, I learned this the hard way.

 

Sorry for the novel lol, had more to say than I thought. No worries, I really appreciate you taking the time to give me such a detailed response.

 

Listen up kiddies: You enjoyed giving him pleasure orally. You know how much most men enjoy this, and also that there are a lot of women out there who will not go down on a man. This, in your mind has always been your little gift to him. Something that only you were giving to him. Okay, I left something out... until that night I was the only woman that had ever made my husband cum from oral sex. Wow, you totally nailed that one (no pun intended).

 

Now you have seen him receive this pelasure from someone else. Someone else gave him something that (in your mind) was always a "gift" from you. Whoa... you are GOOD!

 

You are pissed that he enjoyed a blow job from someone else. If he had had trouble getting it up, you probably would have been okay still since he is still "devoted to you." I think you are totally, 100% correct. Great, how do I get over it?

 

To the OP, sometimes it is quite hard to be able to forgive yourself. I'm quite the brooder and tend to overthink things as well as internalize alot of things. Yeah, I don't even know HOW to forgive myself!

 

It is hard to do, but if you are comfortable with your therapist...does she/he know the actual source of your distress? Oh my, yes! The very first session. I don't fuck around in therapy; It costs too much money to screw around and avoid the issue!

 

You also said playing with others was your idea. I'm guessing that's the main reason you went ahead with playtime even though you weren't really comfortable with it. Not really... I just didn't want to make anyone feel bad.

 

To make matters worse, your hubby enjoyed himself while you didn't. That put you off, and part of you probably does have some negative feelings toward him for that, but you KNOW rationally that it's not his fault. It's Hell when your feelings aren't very rational, huh? EXACTLY!!!

 

Translation: You have to be willing to let go of the hurt and anger of the situation and believe that you CAN forgive yourself and your hubby. Once you start believing it's possible, then it will begin to happen. Great... how do I do that? I don't get it!!!

 

I'm curious, have/did you explain to your therapist that it was your feelings of seeing your husband that caused you the most emotional stress? Yes, she is well aware of this.

 

I ask only because I feel that telling your therapist such a thing would dispose of half the battle of discovering what the main cause was. Then at that point shift the focus on recovery and coping, etc. She is well aware of the main cause and the therapy has focused on recovery and coping pretty much from the 2nd or 3rd session.

 

Disclosing that to your therapist I believe would have made a significant positive impact on your recovery and acceptance. She knows EVERYTHING.

[messedup 15]

Brush your teeth and get over it before you dump your marriage.

 

Thanks so much for your kind words. So sensitive and understanding.

[Alura 2,774]

Thanks so much for your kind words. So sensitive and understanding.

 

Tsk, Tsk, messed up. Sarcasm doesn't become you on this issue.

 

The brutal truth is that you must own up to the mistake and get over it. You keep asking how to do that. We keep making suggestions and you keep asking. We're all very concerned for you and want to help, but you must also want to lend a hand.

 

You must decide that the issue is in the past and nothing can be done about it at this late date. It's a "shouldadone." Further, when considering other problems associated with managing a family, the importance of the experience you're making such a fuss about is a "one" on a scale of "one-to-ten." A "ten" on that scale would be the death of your spouse or the suicide of a child.

 

Accept the unimportance of what happened, laugh about your overreaction, and put it in the past. Use the time you're wasting on this issue to express your appreciation of a marriage which is operating in the 99th percentile and a husband who loves you very much.

 

Mr. Alura

[sweet_tna 680]

But we're in the middle of buying a new house, we have kids, money is tight... it's hard!

 

Yes, those things are definitely stressful. I wonder if maybe it's easier for you to kick yourself over the negative swing experience than deal with the reality of the other stuff going on in your life?

 

I ask because I've been going through quite a stressful time in my own life. Rather than give in to the feelings I have about that, it's been easier for me to "hold onto a mad" over something (I thought) my best friend did. Thankfully, my bf is the forgiving sort.

 

Either way, we've all made some suggestions as to how to get over this stuff and move on with your life. You can take 'em or leave 'em, just as you can choose to just let it all go and focus on the more important things in your life (the stuff that's going on NOW), or continue to obsess over something that happened in the past.

 

Yesterday is history. Tomorrow is a mystery. Today is a gift. That's why it's called the present.

[TNT 1,155]

Thanks for coming back, registering and answering questions and...Welcome to the board.

 

Was this your first swinging experience ?

 

I ask because it seems to me that it was and the following is based on that assumption.

 

From reading over your posts I feel you’re in mourning for something you feel you’ve lost between you and your husband. Not only are you mourning a feeling of loss but you’re also pissed at yourself (and possibly your husband) because you feel you or both of you destroyed something special within your relationship.

 

It’s a very natural feeling and one a lot of people have after their first experience, to some degree or another. It’s not talked about a lot here on the board because for most it’s a fleeting feeling/thought that is quickly replaced by an exponential feeling of gain.

 

You’re having no feeling of gain, only a feeling of loss. You’re seeing no good from your experience, only bad.

 

Once a couple opens up their sexual relationship to others, they do indeed lose something. They have now lost the ability to say...”He/she is the only person I’ve had sex with since we married”. For those that understand and know sex does not equal love, this loss is nothing. For those that have a hard time separating the two (which I feel you might be one of), this loss is a big deal.

 

I think you are mourning the fact that you can no longer say those words and because of not being able to say them, you feel as if now your relationship and the love you have for your husband is somehow less than what it was. That because now that you’re not each other’s one and only (since getting married) sexually, that there’s nothing left that makes you special to each other.

 

The truth is, it was because of the love and specialness of your relationship that you found yourself even able to talk about opening up your sex lives, let alone actually doing it. You both agreed to this, you both participated and you both will come through it.

 

How do you overcome this and get the feelings you once had about your marriage and husband back again? You realize that all you’ve really lost is the ability to say one simple sentence and have it be true...one sentence, that’s it, nothing else.

 

Everything that made you love your husband and feel about him the way you did is still there. Everything that gave you the capability to even discuss opening up your sex life is still there. Everything that made your relationship special to you and him, is still there.

Understand and know that sex does not equal love.

 

Stop mourning a simple loss that you can do nothing about and get back to everything that is still there in your life.

 

Teresa

[knb2004 364]

You are pissed that he enjoyed a blow job from someone else. If he had had trouble getting it up, you probably would have been okay still since he is still "devoted to you." I think you are totally, 100% correct. Great, how do I get over it?

 

I would say you're thinking like a vanilla, that it's just a blow-job and that you should just get over it. However, if you are not capable of mentally (or more importantly, emotionally) owning the idea that it was "just a blow-job" I don't know if you can.

 

You went your whole life beforehand being taught, and apparently believing that sexual behaviors were to be shared between spouses only. People who are successful in the lifestyle examine that particular piece of "wisdom" and decide it's bunk. Perhaps you can't do that?

 

I dunno, I wish you luck.

[lizandtom 512]

I reiterate: passive aggressive psychological punishment. Seeking attention (albeit negative, and now through this board) because someone else pleased your husband whereas you were the only one before; the feeling of being needed and someone else has 'filled your shoes.'

 

You say no but can't put your finger on the problem of why you can't get over it. It's subconscious and until you realize it and bring it to the surface, it's just plain denial.

[messedup 15]

Thanks for coming back, registering and answering questions and...Welcome to the board.

 

Was this your first swinging experience ?

 

I ask because it seems to me that it was and the following is based on that assumption.

 

From reading over your posts I feel you’re in mourning for something you feel you’ve lost between you and your husband. Not only are you mourning a feeling of loss but you’re also pissed at yourself (and possibly your husband) because you feel you or both of you destroyed something special within your relationship.

...

I think you are mourning the fact that you can no longer say those words and because of not being able to say them, you feel as if now your relationship and the love you have for your husband is somehow less than what it was. That because now that you’re not each other’s one and only (since getting married) sexually, that there’s nothing left that makes you special to each other.

 

Yes, it was our first experience. We had met several other couples but didn't play.

 

You have no idea how right on you are! I remember driving home after that night, crying and telling him that I felt like I had lost something. Literally in the moments after it happened I was already in touch with that sense of loss. And I think mourning is an excellent word to describe what I've been feeling.

 

But you are wrong about one thing. There are still lots of things sexually that are left between us that are special. In fact, everything other than oral sex! We've never even kissed other people.

 

Thank you for making me see that.

 

I have a great deal of appreciation for everyone that's taken the time to respond to my post. You guys/ladies have really given me some great insight into where much of my pain is coming from and I think I may be on the right track to working through this. I am grateful to everyone who responded (well, almost everyone)

[toofartoosee 31]

Dear messedup; I'm new here so I will be as kind as I can be, because mostly that's what I would like.

First off think about what you thought swinging was going to be like when you first entertained the notion. Now realize that it's not just fantasy, but reality. It's not just you, and your man in you safe place calling that shots just the way you want them, then cleaning up, and going to bed. (we learned that one that hard way).

Second thing you started this! Your husband is doing all he can to keep you happy while not getting lost, or making bad decisions.

Third thing is you did not start off telling us about you being the queen of the BJ as far as you knew. So I think it is safe to say there is other things being held back from this forum, as well as your therapist. I know you say your being up front because of the money. But, what ever.

Forth, you have everything you need to get through this if you just stop trying to be so damn rational. Ask yourself the question you don't what to know the answers to.

Fifth, if I was to guess I would say without a doubt you are a control freak. On the night in question you not only didn't have control over your husband, but even worst you didn't have control over yourself, as you have stated. Now your just plain old pissed off, and you are making your self fell better by saying that you don't know who to forgive, and move on. Control is an illusion!!! But you are working so hard to prove other wise you risk all you have going.

No one here has said it yet, but I will, you may have turned a corner that night for one reason or another, but your husband is going to reach a corner of his own soon. He didn't force any of this on you! People can only take so much. Please for the sake of our children, ask yourself the hard questions. Surrender to a lack of logic. You entered into a place of no life reference. Your trying to get answers to questions that aren't asked. You can't turn to you friends or family. For the most part your alone on this in your day to day life. If your driven by logic, then write your reasons for getting into this, all your expectations down. The things you did and what you wanted, and work your hard questions from there. Keeping in mind that expectation leads to disappointment.

In ending your in a bad place rite now, but when you work your way through it you will be the better for it. So often we treat the symptom, and not the patient. Chances are your are going to have to deal with other issues as well as what is here now. When under pressure a good rule of survival is don't think about everything at once. One thing at a time is best.

Wish you, and your husband well.2C

[xxxboxy 139]

Please the following closely, it contains the secret to doing difficult things.

 

When you have something difficult to do, mentally, physically, emotionally...the very best way to achieve your planned outcome is....wait for it....Just do the thing. Yep, that simple, you just do it. You want to forgive yourslef? Just do it. Have an internal conversation with that little voice that keeps telling you that things are not well, tell it that it's OK, you're forgiven. Just do it and move on. Stop asking how, you're just talking about doing when you're questioning, you need to move beyond the how and start doing.

[Swing*8701 887]

Susan here--There's a type of memory system that will have you recall, in vast detail, any memory with a strong emotional connection. What makes it worse is that it will also connect every relating memory to it. The result is being awash in all these memories in a complete 'rush'. These 'memory quakes' can almost be debilitating. It's not a 'flashback' which is reliving the moment, it's very intense recall.

 

The only way to get past it is with time and building a better future. In this way your mind starts being able to put the negative event and its emotions in the past. I think the first step is allowing yourself to just live each day, stop analyzing the past and start having some better sex. It doesn't have to be great sex, just better than what you are currently having. You are having a serious problem with resolving how you thought things would happen with how they actually did.

 

I may be way off base, it's just a thought I had that you may be going through this in that way. My reasons are personal, I have this type of quasi-didactic memory (there is no clinical term, it's the best I can come up with) and it can be a real pain in the ass at times, yet also has its upside. And if you do have this type of memory system, you are not alone, the musician Sting has the same thing. At least we're in good company.

[padoc 1,703]

It seems to me that your husband tried "sensitive & understanding" in this matter and from the sounds of it I gotta ask...."How's that working out for you"? I thought I'd try honesty and simplicity and you missed the point completely. This is not as complicated or serious as YOU have made it and while brushing your teeth and moving on may not address all the manufactured drama, it would solve your problem.

[Chitowndk4u 32]

With all the great advice given in this thread, no one can tell you how to get over this issue or how to forgive yourself. You just do in time. Holding on to it is only going to cause more problems than it will solve.

 

I live by a motto that says: Life is 10% what happens to you and 90% what you do about it. In short it me what happened is less important than how you handle it.

 

Don't let one bad experience ruin it for you.

[6charlie 15]

In my life I have found great value in the following premise; if I do something over and over or repetitively think/feel something this is somehow benefitting me, that is I'm reacting to my circumstances in a way that I subconsciously believe produces the best possible outcome. In this case you need to be asking yourself how am I benefitting by feeling and thinking the way I am? Your most likely response is that "I'm not benefitting, I'm miserable". The logical question that follows is "How am I benefitting from being miserable?" I don't know what your answers will be but when you finally get an answer you will probably be surprized.

 

I would not be surprized if you found that you lost a certain kind of innocense that you held deeply and probably weren't aware of this internal standard until after the BJ was complete. Since this innocense is like virginity, once lost it's gone forever, you must then punish yourself forever and you do this by thinking and feeling miserable. I've entered this pattern serveral times in my life and once I realized its basis I was eventually able to laugh at myself for believing in such an extreme consequence for a BJ. It's as though you've blown your life for blowing a guy, that makes no sense.

[socolais 696]

I suspect these kinds of emotional sensitivities and reactions are interesting components of the truism, swinging is not for everyone. Sometimes it's difficult to predict our reaction to a totally different kind of environmental stimulation. Accept that swinging is not a good activity for you, at least right now. Congratulate yourself for having the guts to try something strange and new - too many folks don't have the balls to try. You've made choices in the past that didn't quite pan out the way you expected, you know you'll get over it just like you've done before. You learned something special about yourself. The question should not be about self forgiveness, but what value can you find in this new information. You had a significant emotional event, some part of you has changed. Is that change for the better, or worse? The decision is completely yours.

 

Find a new sexual fantasy to explore, and have the time of your life.....

[SexyCurls 15]

We are never upset for the reason we think we are. I feel this was just a catalyst that brought to a head a deep seated fear or anger. Instead of more fear or anger you should rejoice in the fact that you are now becoming aware of something that had been festering in the background (unconciously) for probably a long time. What is it? I have no clue. But, you do. Meditation, guided meditation, hypnotherapy, expressing your emotions on paper through drawing or writing, searching your true feelings on the way you felt and feel now, or just a good releasing cry would be helpful in discovering your true self and why you felt the way you did. On your journey, try not to label your feelings just feel them and accept the love your husband is offering you. Let him hold you while you cry, you may find that you will grow closer to him (and reignite the passion and love you once felt) the more you trust and believe in his unconditional love for you. You are lucky to have such a loving caring husband who is there to help you heal on your journey of self discovery. Appreciation for what we have gives us new sight.

Good luck,

Nor

[Gordo 618]

Couple of questions.

 

1/ One thing I haven't seen mentioned is any sexual activity on your part. It seems the males got a BJ but there is no mention of you having any "pleasure".

 

2/ You acknowledge the sight of your husband getting a BJ disturbed you. Are these disturbances the fear of losing him to someone else that can now pleasure him as only you used to?

[messedup 15]

Couple of questions.

 

1/ One thing I haven't seen mentioned is any sexual activity on your part. It seems the males got a BJ but there is no mention of you having any "pleasure".

 

2/ You acknowledge the sight of your husband getting a BJ disturbed you. Are these disturbances the fear of losing him to someone else that can now pleasure him as only you used to?

 

1/There was nothing for the women... I'm sure the guys would have been happy to please us but I was in a BIG hurry to leave the second we were done.

 

2/You know, it's funny... I never actually *saw* him getting it. The guys were seated on a sectional, each on different parts of the L and from where I was kneeling, I didn't see anything. But I certainly knew what was going on behind me and sometimes our imaginations are worse than reality. That said, to answer your question: No, I don't have a fear of losing him. He loves regardless of my BJ ability. We've had a great sexual relationship, but our marriage is based on much more.

[Gordo 618]

sometimes our imaginations are worse than reality.

 

One of our first experiences turned out to be a disaster for myself and the other wife. My wife and he had a ball. (other room) Somehow (after) neither one of us could come to terms with the sound of our relative spouses screaming down the hotel. My imagination was giving him such an undeserved boost in the sex department. The feelings of jealousy were overwhelming. I started running away from my relationship because I wanted to put some distance before she (in my mind) left me for him

 

Now this is where I'll probably raise a few hackles here but we invited him over for a threesome and I forced myself to just watch it. It didn't take long to realize the "reality" of it was it was "just sex". There was no emotion, no love (the real root of my feelings, fears) and it was OK, hot in fact.

 

A couple of months later the other wife who was also experiencing bad feelings asked me how I got over it. I flat out told her she needed to watch them. She did and had the same revalation. It was just sex. Nothing earth shattering!

 

Basically by confronting the fear it brought it back to a reality base and chased away the fears and feelings associated with it. We've had better than a dozen encounters since with no problems.

 

Your therapist will probably shoot me but honestly facing the situation and realizing that I had given it far to much power over my thinking helped me and the other wife deal with the emotional aftermath.

 

I know this type of confrontation therapy is used fairly successfully for treatment of phobias for snakes, spiders etc.

 

And I understand that what worked for us is likely not everyone's cup of tea.

 

Good luck in any case I hope you work it through one way or the other.

[messedup 15]

Your therapist will probably shoot me but honestly facing the situation and realizing that I had given it far to much power over my thinking helped me and the other wife deal with the emotional aftermath.

 

I know this type of confrontation therapy is used fairly successfully for treatment of phobias for snakes, spiders etc.

 

And I understand that what worked for us is likely not everyone's cup of tea.

 

Good luck in any case I hope you work it through one way or the other.

 

Our therapist is actually pretty progressive and I don't think she'd be opposed to it at all. I will mention it to her when we see her next. Thank you so much for the excellent feedback.

[kenandjan242 39]

You have gotten a lot of good advice here. I am pretty new to swinging and one of our earliest experiences left me crying too. It was on my birthday no less. needless to say that birthday is not a pleasant memory. I was really upset that day, but a few days later I brought up the subject with my husband and told him how I felt. He admitted to me that he didn't have a good time either. We eventually figured out that subtle hints would not work so we decided to come up with our own signals code words and hand signals that we could give each other to keep from going through the same thing again. It not only works for swinging, but we have found it works in other situations too.

I have also been the type to hang on to being upset over something and have trouble getting past it. A very wise person in my past told me to "just act like it"... Basically you act like your happy, act like you love someone, act like you forgive yourself etc.... You act like what you want to feel is what you feel and keep doing it until eventually it isn't an act anymore you actually feel that way. It works too! I have done it on many occasions and I have finally learned to quit hanging onto stuff that has upset me and just move on past it.

 

Sorry for being so long winded. I don't usually post a lot and this topic kind of got me going.

[Additude 457]

And also I would like to add that not only does your "Act Like It" philosophy work great, but it also gives those around you a different take on the issues and it reinforces your "Act"-ions. Those associated with you will also interpret you differently.

 

It all boils down to, "Only You Can Change You".

 

I'm also not going to try and make folks think that this is a philosophy of which I adamantly adhere to. Frequently I find that I need to remind myself of this.