She can play without me playing.

[olderyder 15]

We have been in the LS for about a year. Well, I should say she has been in, but I have never played. There are several reasons for this, but the main ones are my age and my size. I have adjusted to the fact that I will probably never play, but cannot convince my wife that it is perfectly ok for her to play. She tells me that she cannot have fun if I am not having fun. I tell her that I am enjoying the social side of swinging and that she should go ahead and enjoy the opportunities available to her. She still insists on trying to get couples that she likes, to play with US. This isn't working because she is 20 years younger than me and only likes playing with a younger crowd. She wants me to do MFM's, but I can't get excited doing them. I have told her I am willing to watch her have fun, but she says I won't really enjoy it. How do I convince my wife that it is perfectly ok for her to play when I am not playing?

[DigginIt 1,132]

I might be way off base here. I go through periods where I'm more horny than my wife and she will give me a fantastic bj which I totally enjoy but after it's over, a twinge of guilt sets in.

 

I've spoken to her about this. She looks at me like I'm crazy because in my mind, it was a selfish act on my part to receive such a great sexual act and not to provide any reciprocation. She on the other hand tells me she likes to please me and she enjoys taking care of me when our moods don't sync up.

 

Your wife may have that 'twinge of guilt' and may not be 100% accepting of your sincerity and therefore continues to push a little.

 

Having said that, just because you are 20 years older or your size are not really good reasons but sounds more like excuses. Your good reason is "I can't get excited doing them."

 

My advice is just keep being loving and reassuring because if she is feeling guilty she needs that.

[olderyder 15]

I hope you don't mind my saying that you are way off base. I gave the background to show that we aren't newbies. What I was really interested in was suggestions on how to convince my wife that it is ok for her to play when I don't.

[DigginIt 1,132]

I hope you don't mind my saying that you are way off base.

 

Absolutely not! I'm glad I was way off base in this case

 

It's just that you seemed to understand the situation so clearly which makes me assume that you have tried sincerely to explain to her your feelings so if you are having trouble convincing her then maybe it was better to focus more on WHY she needs convincing.

 

Looking forward to hearing what others post.

[SecretAsianMan 348]

I guess the best advice I could give would be to reassure her that it's okay ... maybe maintain some interaction (i.e., stay in the room with her - hold her while she's playing with someone else & tell her how you love seeing her this way - etc., etc., etc. Sometimes, just something as simple as a reassuring nod & smile before she commits to playing with someone else is enough)

 

It might just take some more time to talk to her and open up about all your feelings to her about this.

 

I wish you the best of luck and keep us updated on how things are going.

[N8ture Girl 318]

She tells me that she cannot have fun if I am not having fun. I tell her that I am enjoying the social side of swinging and that she should go ahead and enjoy the opportunities available to her.

 

 

She still insists on trying to get couples that she likes, to play with US. This isn't working because she is 20 years younger than me and only likes playing with a younger crowd. She wants me to do MFM's, but I can't get excited doing them. I have told her I am willing to watch her have fun, but she says I won't really enjoy it. How do I convince my wife that it is perfectly ok for her to play when I am not playing?

 

Hello, my thoughts are you cant convince someone who doesnt want to be convinced. Other than giving her reassurance that its ok to play with out you, if she doesnt want to then she wont. Sounds to me like she wants to swing with you. I know if my hubby didnt want to play then whats my reasoning to continue? There is none, as we swing together and I have absolutely no interest in playing if he doesnt play too even if he says I can.

 

Good luck!

[Alura 2,774]

I think Nature Girl is on to something, OlderRyder. Unless your wife thinks you are insincere, there must be another reason she doesn't want to be convinced.

 

I was sixteen years older than my late wife, and I'm 5'3" tall. She was 5'9" tall. I'll be among the first to admit that size sometimes causes problems and weeds out a lot of playcouples, but there will always be someone who is more interested in you than your size, whether you are talking about stature or genitals. Those are the ones who are worthwhile, anyway.

 

Perhaps you, like I, would find swinging boring without her and perhaps your wife feels the same way. She may well want you involved. Otherwise, why do it?

 

It sounds to me as if a whole lot more communicating needs to take place between y'all.

 

Mr. Alura

[LFM2 1,482]

I also agree with N8ture Girl. You can't convince her. It's like the old adage, "You can lead a horse to water..."

 

Swinging to most couples is a couples sport. It's done together, and if one of us can't or won't, the other half usually won't either ~~ even if given permission.

 

Keep communication open.

[Additude 457]

Your wife wants you to do MFM with her, but you decline. You say you are enjoying the social side of swinging and she should go ahead and enjoy the opportunities available to her.

 

Your not going to convience her of anything. Thats not what she wants to do. She has told you what she wants from you. You have declined.

 

She cares about you and her marriage. She is asking for unity from you. Instead, you are offering her division.

 

I suggest you have some fun with her in unity, no matter what your "excuses" are, just do it with her. After awhile of giving her what she wants, then she may be more comfortable trying some solo stuff that you want.

 

Your not going to "Talk" her into it and if you persist and force and she finally accepts it on your terms, then I think you will come to regret what you have done.

 

I say it is as simple as, "Give and thou shall receive".

[olderyder 15]

Like everyone says, maybe you do have a fix on the problem, I guess. My wife and I have talked this subject to death and not been able to resolve it. She keeps telling me that she can't have fun unless I am having fun. Well, there lies the problem. After a year in the LS I have still not found anyone interested in playing with us as a couple except for single men. My wife tells me she want me to do MFM's with her, and I have tried, but I just can't get turned on by them. My bad, I guess. She wants to stay in the LS, but feels conflicted by having fun when I am not enjoying the experience too. Again, my bad, I guess.

[Alura 2,774]

Like everyone says, maybe you do have a fix on the problem, I guess. My wife and I have talked this subject to death and not been able to resolve it. She keeps telling me that she can't have fun unless I am having fun. Well, there lies the problem. After a year in the LS I have still not found anyone interested in playing with us as a couple except for single men. My wife tells me she want me to do MFM's with her, and I have tried, but I just can't get turned on by them. My bad, I guess. She wants to stay in the LS, but feels conflicted by having fun when I am not enjoying the experience too. Again, my bad, I guess.

 

I don't think trying to assign blame is very productive, Olderyder.

 

What does "staying in the lifestyle" mean to your wife? How does she suggest that y'all solve the problem of your not having fun?

 

Mr. Alura

[lovinher 505]

My four cents....

 

One is that you are trying to "convince" your wife into doing something that she has made clear she doesn't want to do. Convince her of what exactly? She already knows your OK with her playing alone.

 

Two, you want her to compromise but yet you will not. She wants to play as a couple-you don't. She wants a MFM-you don't. It seems she can't convince you otherwise.

 

Three-why can't you understand that she can't enjoy herself without your participation? I can't imagine playing without my wife involved and enjoying herself. For me, most of the thrill comes from doing it together as a team. Her enjoyment is paramount and trumps anything I may want (my choice). So what I want the most is her enjoyment. Your wife must feel the same way. I would never attempt it, but if I had to convince my wife into doing something that I may enjoy, it would take something from it.

 

Four-I personally don't think that in swinging anybody should compromise regarding what it is you will or will not do. Either you agree or you don't swing at all.

[exploringRM 305]

My four cents....

 

One is that you are trying to "convince" your wife into doing something that she has made clear she doesn't want to do. Convince her of what exactly? She already knows your OK with her playing alone.

 

Two, you want her to compromise but yet you will not. She wants to play as a couple-you don't. She wants a MFM-you don't. It seems she can't convince you otherwise.

 

Three-why can't you understand that she can't enjoy herself without your participation? I can't imagine playing without my wife involved and enjoying herself. For me, most of the thrill comes from doing it together as a team. Her enjoyment is paramount and trumps anything I may want (my choice). So what I want the most is her enjoyment. Your wife must feel the same way. I would never attempt it, but if I had to convince my wife into doing something that I may enjoy, it would take something from it.

 

Four-I personally don't think that in swinging anybody should compromise regarding what it is you will or will not do. Either you agree or you don't swing at all.

 

[FullThrottle 68]

I may be way off base here but the "vibe" I get from your OP is that you're either not interested in playing at all, meaning she would have to play by herself, or that you feel inadequate because of your age/size. I get the feeling that you feel like you're throwing salt on her game so to speak. But in the lifestyle everyone must be compatible or no one is. On the other hand I also kinda get the feeling that you really don't enjoy her being with other men but because of your size/age you are willing to tolerate it. Again I could be waaaay off. It's just what came through to me. If you are OK with it it's one thing. But "OK with it", to me, means it's something you are willing to tolerate. Not something you want. I know couples in which the male would rather watch than participate. It's a turn on for them. We've dome FMF, MFM, FMFMF, FMFMFM, etc. I enjoy my knowing my wife is enjoying herself and vice versa. On the other hand I know couples that would never entertain the idea of a single male. It's all up to the couple and none of them are wrong. The main reason I get this feeling is that you don't want to be involved with her request for you to join her in a MFM. In reality that is her way of her getting what she wants and trying to incorporate you in the experience. You use the terms "adjusted to" and "willing to". These are not good terms. They don't imply desire. They imply acceptance.

 

Here's my take.

She loves you. She married you. She would be OK never being with anyone other than you. Even if she "wanted" to be with someone else she is willing to abstain because of this. She's doing so because she thinks you are not OK with it. And there's nothing wrong with that at all. From either one of your perspectives. But only you know if you really OK with it or not. Her wanting to have sexual experiences with others, with or without you there, is not what you are trying to convince her to do. Nor should you. That would be like her trying to convince you to do the MFM. No matter what she says, if it's not your thing it's not your thing. What you should be trying to convince her of is that it would please you if she did so. But only if it does.

 

Did any of that make sense?

[olderyder 15]

Just a quick note to the last poster. I have never refused, or even declined playing as a couple. We both agree that, as a couple, we have no chance to play as a couple unless it is a MFM. I am not acceptable to the age group she wants to play in, and she refuses to play in an age group where I would be acceptable. I have not refused to be there when she does an MFM, I am just incapable of getting physically excited during the ones we have tried. She tells me that in order for her to enjoy MFM's fully, I must get physically excited and enjoy them too. I just can't. Lastly, life is a series of compromises. Think about it.....

[Alura 2,774]

I'm confused, OlderRyder. Your wife refuses to play in your age group yet married into it. You also said you didn't want to play in your own age group because you were spoiled by having a younger wife. I can certainly understand being spoiled in this regard; I was the same with my late wife.

 

Our compromise was to play with couples whose ages fell between ours. That wasn't planned; it just happened.

 

Mr. Alura

[olderyder 15]

She married into my age group 20 years ago. This was long before we got into the LS. As to the compromise you suggest, she is not interested cause she likes playing where she does. I guess I'm just trying to figure out how to get her to continue enjoying the LS without trying to force me into something I don't want.

[xxxboxy 139]

You know, there is way too little actual background given here for us to help much at all. You keep dribbling out tidbits that change the scenario.

[Alura 2,774]

She married into my age group 20 years ago. This was long before we got into the LS. As to the compromise you suggest, she is not interested cause she likes playing where she does. I guess I'm just trying to figure out how to get her to continue enjoying the LS without trying to force me into something I don't want.

 

Alright, one more question. How would you describe the two age groups we're dealing with here?

 

Mr. Alura

[N8ture Girl 318]

If I had to throw out a guess, I would guess that she is in for 40's and he in his 60's...

But anyway, it sounds like a stalemate to me. She refuses to play in your age group and you dont want to play in hers (or as you say no ones interested due to your age/size). And size, I wish there was some clarification on this. I have my own thoughts but they may be way off the mark. If its what i think it is, have you ever gone to an on-premise party or large hosue party where there are a variety of people (size and age)? She could go play with her age group and you your age/size group. Just a thought...

 

It kinda sounds to me that you two need to talk more. She knows what she wants out of the life style and so do you and neither of you are in agreement and that cant work.

[LikeMinds321 1,527]

I think there are couples who make great marriage partners, but as a swinging couple it doesn't work well for any number of reasons. I think this may be the case for you and your wife. You both want something from swinging that the other doesn't.

 

LM

[Additude 457]

I'm kinda agreeing with the trend here. Everyone keeps providing input based on what the OP said, but almost every responce from the OP "Re-Clarifies" their original post with new enlightening details which basically change the whole structure of the situation.

 

I think N8ture Girl is close to the age mark. It would seem that with the OP's reference to "20 Years" ago it would be close to a 40/60 split.

 

To the OP olderyder. Now comes the weight thing. Give us some numbers.

 

Also tell us if you were this heavy when you both were married?

 

As for the way I see it at this point: I'm beginning to wonder if this is trollish.

 

But:

I guess I'm just trying to figure out how to get her to continue enjoying the LS without trying to force me into something I don't want.

 

Apparently, that is not going to happen the way you expect it. You are expecting her to change for you.

 

Read my footer on my posts. We can massage it a bit to fit this application.

"If you want something you can't achieve, then your going to have to do something you haven't done before".

 

But the bottom line is, THIS IS ABOUT YOU, NOT ABOUT YOUR WIFE, and that's why your having such a difficult time with it.

 

You have to change yourself. Not your wife to get what YOU want.

[ArkansasFunOnes 15]

Olderyder, I think you are selling yourself short. I'm 50, 5'11'', and 320#, full of confidence, not pushy, have no problems having sex or being nude in front of others. On the other hand, my wife is 45, 5'5", 142#, VERY pretty, great body from the hips down, but has a belly from when she was pregnant.....not bad, but enough to make her insecure (but she overcomes it pretty well).

 

I said all of that so that I could specifically comment on your statement that you all could never play together as a couple.....other than a MFM....

 

We are fairly active swingers, and while most of our experiences are with other (younger, masculine) men, we still have pretty good luck with other couples, and even younger couples. The fact that Lisa loves to dance and doesn't mind flashing on the dance floor, and that I love to talk might help us out.

 

Two quick examples:

 

About a year ago in Nashville at Menages, we were in the upstairs play area. A young fantastic looking couple had been having sex all over the place, and we had also had sex with each other. Lisa was dying to eat out a girl, so I asked the young couple if she would mind if Lisa ate her pussy. She said it would be fine and laid back on a couch, and Lisa went to town. Her husband began fingering Lisa, and I stepped behind the couch and asked the lady if it would be ok for me to touch her. She said it would be fine.

 

The husband motioned to me asking if it would be ok for him to fuck Lisa, and I motioned it would be fine, since we have no problems with each other having "more" fun than the other....As Lisa got more into getting fucked and was paying less and less attention to the lady, she motioned for me to come around and sit next to her. She unzips me, starts giving me a BJ, and next thing I knew was on top of me.

 

Number 2 was in Memphis at a hotel party. A very young 20 something couple, again both very good looking....he had a few extra pounds, and she had obvioiusly lost some weight, so her body was not perfect, (but then neither are we). She was going around putting some sort of liquor on her nipples and having people lick it off. Lisa said she'd rather lick something else, so she lays back and right in the "ballroom" Lisa goes to town.

 

He tells me they are soft swap, but would really like to meet us once everyone got back to the rooms. So we meet them, and we all go to town, doing pretty much anything and everything with each other, other than actual intercourse.

 

I really think who you can meet has more to do with everyones attitude.