He doesn't want to have a threesome because the other guy is black

[Guest mysticon]

I joined a little while back, and seems like a forum full of helpful and nice people; so thought I'd see what advice and insights someone may be able to offer. As I've mentioned in other posts, I've been wanting a MFM threesome for a while. One of the men involved would be my friend, that I've been seeing for about the past year; and I have begun to search for a second candidate. I started chatting with a guy from a swingers site yesterday, and he seems pretty nice so far; so we made tentative plans to meet for coffee after the first of the year.

 

Here is where the situation gets a bit sticky... I was telling my friend about the guy I've been chatting with. My friend is white, and the guy I've been chatting with is black. Once I told my friend that the guy I've been chatting with is black, he expressed that he doesn't trust black guys; and wouldn't/couldn't do a threesome with someone who is black. In the time that my friend and I have known each other, controversial topics such as race haven't come up too much; so I didn't realize that he would have a problem with doing a 3-way with someone of another race.

 

Now I'm not sure how to handle this situation should me and the guy I've been chatting with hit it off when we meet in person. I don't want to pressure my friend into anything or force the issue, but I am also unsure about what to tell the guy I've been chatting with. I certainly don't want to tell the guy I've been chatting with, "sorry my friend won't do a threesome with you because you're black" or that my friend doesn't trust black guys. Any advice on how to handle this, would be greatly appreciated!

[prometheius 137]

Now I'm not sure how to handle this situation, should me and the guy I've been chatting with; hit it off when we meet in person. I don't want to preasure my friend into anything, or force the issue; but I am also unsure about what to tell the guy I've been chatting with. I certainly don't want to tell the guy I've been chatting with, sorry my friend won't do a threesome with you; because you're black- or my friend doesn't trust black guys. Any advice on how to handle this, would be greatly appreciated!

 

I hope the last paragraph you posted generates many responses, I'm eager to see what others have to say. How people respond to this sort of issue shows their true colors, (no pun intended).

 

You've stated that you intend to meet this guy regardless of what your SO has to say about it, and if you like him, you've already considered playing regardless of race so we all know how you feel about the race issue (it doesn't matter to you).

 

My advice to you is more of a question. If you don't have an issue with race and your SO does, is your SO a person that you would want to invest the time and effort it takes to have a long term relationship with? Because of your discussions with him, you both are aware that you are at odds when it comes to this matter and, it is something that you will deal with more than once in the lifestyle. Are you so sure of the staying power of your relationship to your SO that you are willing to put your feelings and desires on the sidelines to keep him feeling happy and secure, or is your own worth important enough to you that you would consider reevaluating just how committed you really want to be to him. I'm not trying to slice and dice this guy, I'm just wondering how compatible the two of you really are, from what little you've told us so far.

[VegasLee 1,486]

I can only assume that all three of you are adults involved here.

 

If your "friend" says he won't play with a black man then there is nothing more there to go with.

 

If you are still planning on meeting the other guy to play with then you have to find a 3rd that is not the guy you have spent a year of your time with.

 

As an adult, telling the new guy should not be a problem. Advise him you where not aware that the other guy has not interest in playing if a black guy is involved.

 

You state that nothing about race has come up in the year you have spent with him. I do believe I would be finding out more about him before I started setting up sex parties with him.

 

He has his right to feel any way he wishes even if you or I don't agree with. If you and him have a big differing view on this subject matter then just maybe the two of you are not the right couple.

 

When dealing with issues like this, the truth works.

[The Fuse 1,012]

Wow, this is a sticky one.

 

Looks to me like you have two issues to deal with. One is how to proceed with the black gentleman you have been chatting with, and the other is how to deal with your friend of a years' time.

 

For the gentleman with whom you plan to meet after the first of the year, if you are ONLY meeting him as a candidate for a threesome with your current friend, then you are wasting his time, because your current friend already ruled him out. Without making any value judgments about his reason for ruling the new guy out, it IS that way- he has ruled him out. So if you are also considering him for one-on-one play or as one of a threesome with a yet-unknown third, then you have to ask whether your current friend would disapprove of that. Because if he doesn't trust a man with black skin in general, I would think he would be even less happy about you being with one while he was not around. If he would disapprove, then you have to ask whether you care if he does.

 

That brings me to the second thing you have to deal with -- your current friend's racism. If you don't judge people by the color of their skin, or at least try not to, and your friend does, how does that make you feel about him? Does that make you like him less? Is it something you are willing to deal with? If you are, so be it. But it's not a small matter. If you spend a lot more time with this guy it will come up again, and not just regarding swinging.

[sweet_tna 680]

Hmmm . . . Seems to me you've got a couple issues here. The first issue is this friend of yours. You've been seeing him for a year, have been looking to try swinging with him, but don't know a very basic preference of his? That means you're not ready to try this. The second thing is that if you intend to swing with him, you have to respect his veto, even if you're up for playing with the new guy. No means no. However, if ya'll have an open relationship, you may be able to hook up with the new guy solo or with yet another guy.

 

If that's not an option, you simply need to let the new guy know that after talking it over with your friend/SO, he's not interested/comfortable but thanks anyway.

 

Best of luck to you,

 

=)

[lardub 170]

See I'm different I would push him as to why? Is it truly a race issue? Everyone has reasons that they feel someone would be a candidate, or not a candidate. We have rejected persons just because of a feeling, or something physical that we found unappealing. You have known and been with this person for a year and no flags or alarms went off where race is concerned. If it is truly a trust issue as you wrote, we have never judged someone one on the colour of their skin, but on their actions if we meet them and something doesn't seem right. just reading what you wrote there seems to be in my opinion a communication issue betwen you two. I have no sound advise to give really just grasping at straws but I have to say talk about it and find out why he feels the way he told you. For him it may just be a fear of measuring up to some perceived fear that black men have large penises, or a feeling he may loose you, I don't know but communication over this issue between you both should be paramount. he may have a realistic reason from his past that has him feeling this way, and perhaps talking it out and meeting this gentleman with him can change his mind, and allow him to think why he feels this way..

[TheLorax 173]

There are a lot of people who on the surface don't seem to be bigoted or racist, but when it comes to something that strikes closer to the emotional core, and lets face it, even casual sex is a lot closer than casual acquaintance. Other folks have given you pretty good advise on how to proceed in this situation so I won't add to it. I am curious as to how that makes you feel about your friend though. I know I tend to lose a lot of respect for people when their underlying bigotry or racism shows through. This can be different in my opinion though from not being comfortable being in a sexual situation where the familiarity of being similar can play an important role. Is it possible that your friend was having difficulty vocalizing this type of discomfort, or is it true racism. That's what I'd want to know were it me.

[Tia Vampire 167]

Yes, you should find out why he feel the way he does about black men. I'm in a interacial relationship and our relationship has opened my fiance's eyes about black males and females. My fiance and I have been together for 6 years. The things that he was tought about black people growing up, he is now finding out that it was nothing like he was tought. How can you teach someone about something you have no knowledge of? His family loves me and we all get along great. If your friend of a year does not want to swing with a black guy, it is his choice. He may not be prejudice, just a preference.Just ask. Communication is the key to success in the life-style.

[Alura 2,774]

. I am also unsure about what to tell the guy I've been chatting with. I certainly don't want to tell the guy I've been chatting with, sorry my friend won't do a threesome with you; because you're black- or my friend doesn't trust black guys. Any advice on how to handle this, would be greatly appreciated!

 

Here's how a conversation might go, Mysticon:

 

She: "I talked with my boyfriend. He's not ready for a threesome yet, so I'm gonna have to call it off."

 

He: "Is it because I'm black?"

 

She: "Yknow, I might have not remembered to mention that..."

 

He: "What's his problem?"

 

She: "It's a personal thing with him. Too bad! I could have just eaten you up! I'll call you if he changes his mind.

 

Keep us posted!

Mr. Alura

[LikeMinds321 1,527]

 

As I've mentioned in other posts, I've been wanting a MFM threesome for a while. One of the men involved would be my friend, that I've been seeing for about the past year; and I have begun to search for a second canidate.

In your Introduction post you wrote:

 

 

...I am engaged, and have been with my fiance for 8 years almost. (coming Febuary) I first expressed an interest in swinging around 4 years ago, but my fiance and I didn't actually do anything with it until around last spring or summer.

I'm confused by what I've read above.

 

Do you want to swing with this friend you've known a year, but not with your finace (whom you've known for eight years)? Who is who here?

 

LM

[Chicup 41]

I joined a little while back, and seems like a forum full of helpful and nice people; so thought I'd see what advice and insights someone may be able to offer. As I've mentioned in other posts, I've been wanting a MFM threesome for a while. One of the men involved would be my friend, that I've been seeing for about the past year; and I have begun to search for a second canidate. I started chatting with a guy from a swingers site yesterday, and he seems pretty nice so far; so we made tenative plans to meet for coffee after the first of the year.

 

Here is where the situation gets a bit sticky... I was telling my friend about the guy I've been chatting with. My friend is white, and the guy I've been chatting with is black. Once I told my friend that the guy I've been chatting with is black, he expressed that he doesn't trust black guys; and wouldn't/couldn't do a threesome with someone who is black. In the time that my friend and I have known each other, controversial topics such as race haven't come up too much; so I didn't realize that he would have a problem- with doing a 3 way with someone of another race.

 

Now I'm not sure how to handle this situation, should me and the guy I've been chatting with; hit it off when we meet in person. I don't want to preasure my friend into anything, or force the issue; but I am also unsure about what to tell the guy I've been chatting with. I certainly don't want to tell the guy I've been chatting with, sorry my friend won't do a threesome with you; because you're black- or my friend doesn't trust black guys. Any advice on how to handle this, would be greatly appreciated!

 

You don't really owe anyone anything, including your friend or even more so a guy you were chatting with over the internet.

 

You can simply tell them (either one) its not going to happen for whatever reason you like.

[Spoomonkey 421]

I am going to give your SO the benefit of the doubt for a minute...

 

The word that catches me is "trust". There could be a different reason other than simple ignorance:

 

1. He could be ridiculously insecure. It could be the BBC myth that is out there and a general belief that black men have more prowess in the sack. Some white men are simply intimidated by the whole thing.

 

And to be honest, it doesn't seem like your relationship is solid enough after a year for him not to worry about losing you to a better lover.

 

2. It could be a generalization caused by a traumatic experience. Maybe he was mugged by a black man or picked on in school by a black kid. Trauma can lead to bigotry. It doesn't make it right, but it can explain it and perhaps make his distrust make some kind of sense.

 

I think an extreme example that many of us can relate to is the sweeping generalization and distrust of muslims post 9/11. It may seem to be a stretch but a mugging or bully-type abuse can have a lifelong impact on a person.

 

Either way a big statement like "I don't trust black guys" is irrational, hurtful and racist regardless of the reason for it. He either needs help to get past whatever has caused that or his true colors have really been exposed and you need to consider what the implications of his attitude would mean for a future relationship.

 

If there is the potential for a relationship, the answer to your question is simple - gracefully bow out of the meeting with your potential third. Alura has given a perfect word-track for this.

 

If not - that one statement: "I don't trust black men" should be enough to weigh his views with yours and decide if you're even willing to have his baggage in your life.

 

The question to me is more about relationship than swinging. Swinging's the easy part.

 

Spoomonkey

[dumbasarock10 49]

If I'm understanding this right (although probably not) the issue with the SO is that he's simply black?? That being the case he's the one with the issue. Either way, you hold the control here so treat it as you please. As Chicup put it, you owe nothing to either one except a thumbs up or thumbs down. But, in my own opinion it seems the SO has the problem. Everyone is different and justifies their actions in their own way. If it were I, I'd sit the SO down and tell them "This is the way it will be, either you're there or you're not." That's just my opinion.

[applevenus 20]

he expressed that he doesn't trust black guys

 

This.

 

Jumps out at me. This is beyond a red flag.

 

Forget about swinging/lifestyle/sex/threesomes. This is such a basic issue that , for me, would end a friendship and I'd question whether there was a friendship to begin with or whether I could maintain any sort of honest relationship.

[Chicup 41]

I wonder if this thread would have the same tone if the friend said 'I don't trust Atheists'.

 

I think we are perhaps getting a bit off the topic of handling a swinging situation and more into elements we have less information on.

 

My wife has no sexual attraction to black men, should I dump her?

 

I know its not quite the same as saying 'trust' but I think taking a step back is in order.

[LikeMinds321 1,527]

 

I think we are perhaps getting a bit off the topic of handling a swinging situation and more into elements we have less information on.

My feeling as well.

 

Let's focus on swinging. For a moment, instead of the race issue put something else in place...any play arrangement a partner is not open to.

 

If you are playing as a "single" then you pick the guys you want who are willing to go along with what you want.

 

If you are part of a couple, then you work as a couple to make choices you'll both be comfortable with.

 

The guy you've been considering for a MFM threesome can be dropped easily. It comes down to what type of swinger you are, a single or a couple.

 

Please come back and explain your swinging status, and how the men in your life (boy friend and fiance) play a role in what you are trying to arrange here.

 

LM

[Spoomonkey 421]

I wonder if this thread would have the same tone if the friend said 'I don't trust Atheists'.

 

Probably not. But then religion rarely comes up when swinging. Religion and politics make for lousy dinner conversation.

 

As an atheist, I can say that no one really knows that unless I tell them (or unless they catch me sacrificing virgins and biting the heads off of bats). A black guy - well - it is sort of noticeable.

 

I can usually pick up on skin color as far away as ten feet. Sometimes more if the weather conditions are favorable.

 

I think we are perhaps getting a bit off the topic of handling a swinging situation and more into elements we have less information on.

 

I think the reason it may have veered off is because, frankly, the answer to the question is kind of easy for most of us. The majority of the posters are married couples for whom "I don't want to swing with/him/her/them" is all the discussion that usually needs to occur.

 

But underneath that is an issue that really is sticky for all of us. For example:

 

My wife has no sexual attraction to black men, should I dump her?

 

Race comes into play in swinging. Mrs Spoo has the same preference as your wife - and like you said, it really isn't the same thing. I have my preferences as well; physical, social, intellectual - no one is really immune.

 

But another part of it that isnt the same is that you said "wife". You've established a long term relationship with someone and while the learning process is always going, you aren't being faced with racism as a "revelation".

 

Mrs Spoo has a preference for white men and she also has a preference for men with darker hair. Then again, she has played with a black guy and a blond dude.

 

The OP's scenario is a budding relationship that may or may not be the only one going (according to the contradictory posts that LikeMinds pointed out). For many of us a statement like "I don't trust black guys" early in the dating process would probably end said dating process. And I think the advice that is being given is indicative of the perception (and I share the perception obviously) that the issue is a lot deeper than "should I still swing with this guy I've been talking to."

 

To me it is similar to asking "should I tint my car windows?" when the car in question is sitting on a railroad track with a train barreling towards it. The tint is just not that important relatively speaking.

 

Avoid the train wreck first - then do whatever the hell you want with the windows...

 

Spoomonkey

 

P.S. good to see you, C.

[Pioneer Swinger 16]

31 years ago, when I started swinging. BM/WF was a big deal. Especially when going bare, even if on b/c. Nowadays, it shouldn’t be. Indeed, I see younger couples at socials enjoying sexual pleasures regardless of race. As my grandfather once said, ‘life is too short to waste with stereotypes of any kind”. While I’ve had some of my best times with black men (and continue to prefer black men as an “in your face” to “society”, Ive also had good times with men of other races, as well. My advice? Go with your heart… And, head…

[realcplub2 513]

Just need to ask yourself, What else dont you know about your friend..

 

Can you answer the honest question, is the fact that the other gentleman is black a big deal to you/ part of your personal wish list/ bucket list?

 

That is the first part of the answer, how much does this opportunity matter to you?

 

The next part is, as I was reading it, you refer to the other guy as your friend.. If this is part of your fantasy, he has two choices, partake or not partake.. If having a threesome is your fantasy, finding another guy to fullfill it isnt all that hard, you still can go ahead t=with it finding another gent.. AND should the mood move you, partake of your new friend from the internet, without company.. proceeding slowly and as you feel safe..

 

If on the other hand, you wanna just drop the idea and search for someone else who appeal to both you and your current friend.. telling the other guy that you have had second thoughts and apologising is perfectly acceptable

 

Now lets condense the whole of this post...

 

Its all up to you, not your friends who you wanna take to bed, in a threesome, solo.. whatever.. despite what advice we offer

 

Play safe, and enjoy

[interested-05 135]

I hope the last paragraph you posted generates many responses, I'm eager to see what others have to say. How people respond to this sort of issue shows their true colors, (no pun intended)..

 

the bigotry of political correctness rising its ugly head, to imply that noone has a right to choosing their preferances, means their is no freedom, no choice, like it or not, just bend over and take it,,,,,,,,,,,

personally my first level of fear has to do with the fact that i have been a victim of sexual harrassment.Having grown up around a few bikers, my first inclination is to sstay away till I get to know them personally.This is true for every group outside my personal group of friends, until i get to know and trust you, I am not going to put myself at easy risk for every

special interest group.

Every woman both in as the right and privilege of deciding who they do and do not want to include in their sexual activities.

second every man in and outside the lifestyle, have the priviledge to decide who they do or do not want to include in their sexual activities.

When it comes to a couple they have that same right and priviledge as well, but they must decide as a team what they are willing to do as a couple. If as a couple one of them wants something so badly and the other partner is unwilling to go along with it, then its time for them to either renegotiate what they are willing to deal with or decide its time to go in seperate directions. That choice is up to them, decide what you want if you insist on more than he wants then its time to move on

[Guest mysticon]

Thanks everyone for the advice and insights, and excuse the delay; in me coming back to respond. To clairify some of your questions: The guy that I want to do the threesome with, is my swinging friend of the past year; and my fiance is the one I've been with almost 8 years. It's not that I don't want to do a 3 way with my fiance, he's actually the first I asked; but he doesn't want to do one. I've discussed it with my fiance more than once, and just not something he wants to do.

 

I did discuss the issue with my friend of the past year, and asked why he didn't trust black guys specifically. He said it was because of when he worked around them, it seemed like all they wanted was a white woman; and they would brag about it if they had a white girlfriend. He also said that he's had a lot of black guys "screw him over", and that they act nice and polite on the surface; but they are actually disrespectful- he seemed to be implying situations where they would get disrespectful- after seeming to be nice and polite.

 

The issue with my friend seems to be not trusting black men specifically. He told me he's been with at least some women of other races. ( black and asian) I did further clairify, and ask if there was anyone besides a black guy; that he wouldn't participate in the three way with- and he said no one else. I have to admit, my friend's attitude about black men, does bother me; but I'm also not in his shoes either with past experiences- not that that makes it ok for me- but sometimes someone doesn't get over it just like that.

 

I don't have any particular "wish list" when it comes to men of other races... race just doesn't make a difference to me, if the guy seems like someone I'd like to get to know better. I will try to find someone else that my friend can be comfortable with, since I do want to do this with him.

 

I will probably have to end up telling the other guy it's about race though, since my fiance also has an issue with it. I was talking to my fiance about the situation, and he told me to "stick with my own race". My fiance completely baffles me though. Anytime he has heard of type of racial hate expressed, from anyone; he's remarked how he doesn't understand the hate- and that we are all just people. Also, the first guy that I played with; after getting into the lifestyle- wasn't white. I asked my fiance about this, and he didn't really have an answer for it. I'll discuss it with him further, to get at what the underlying issue is.

[it'sso 198]

Fiance of eight years, and yet doesn't wish to swing with you??

To each his own is my motto. Regarding the man you DO swing with, why should his preference for not swinging with a black man be considered any different than, for example, a woman not wishing to swing with a man who has a small penis? In each case there is nothing that either of the rejected men can do to change their situation, yet one seldom hears anybody being derided for rejecting the latter.

[JustAskJulie 2,595]

It sounds to me that you just discovered your friend is racist (he doesn't trust black guys). This is akin to a couple that once told us that "we don't do black people because they are more likely to have STDs". I don't think there will be an issue of pushing your friend into something he doesn't want to do, as I don't think he's going to do it and you won't be able to push him into it.

 

It sounds to me like you need to continue your search for a second guy to fulfill your fantasy (and then determine which one of the two guys you've already found you will have join you).

[Mr.Essex 264]

I have one piece of advice: Start to pay more attention to the way he treats and/or talks about the people around him. I don't have anywhere near enough information (nor do you) about the veracity or complete origin of his comments, but his ability to ignore your personal judgments (re: your black paramour) and immediately lump him into the the same category as his former "betrayers" speaks volumes. IMHO, his statement that he refuses to swing with black men because of prior slights (and his implicit assumption that you'd choose to swing with black men with the same worldview as his former "friends") may turn out to be a stumbling block in your combined future.

 

I mean, if I told prospective swingers that I refuse to play with Southerners or Midwesterners due to past incidents of bad behaviour, I'd look like an idiot. If the lifestyle requires one thing, it's a level paying field.

[magnum 78]

I joined a little while back, and seems like a forum full of helpful and nice people; so thought I'd see what advice and insights someone may be able to offer. As I've mentioned in other posts, I've been wanting a MFM threesome for a while. One of the men involved would be my friend, that I've been seeing for about the past year; and I have begun to search for a second canidate. I started chatting with a guy from a swingers site yesterday, and he seems pretty nice so far; so we made tenative plans to meet for coffee after the first of the year.

 

Here is where the situation gets a bit sticky... I was telling my friend about the guy I've been chatting with. My friend is white, and the guy I've been chatting with is black. Once I told my friend that the guy I've been chatting with is black, he expressed that he doesn't trust black guys; and wouldn't/couldn't do a threesome with someone who is black. In the time that my friend and I have known each other, controversial topics such as race haven't come up too much; so I didn't realize that he would have a problem- with doing a 3 way with someone of another race.

 

Now I'm not sure how to handle this situation, should me and the guy I've been chatting with; hit it off when we meet in person. I don't want to preasure my friend into anything, or force the issue; but I am also unsure about what to tell the guy I've been chatting with. I certainly don't want to tell the guy I've been chatting with, sorry my friend won't do a threesome with you; because you're black- or my friend doesn't trust black guys. Any advice on how to handle this, would be greatly appreciated!

 

I would suggest, get another boy friend.

 

I think that you, being open minded is a great quality, a quality that your boy friend apparently does not share.

 

Good luck.