Trying to get started swinging, but wife is sexually uptight

[MasterHack2007 18]

My wife is really uptight about her sexuality to the point where it hinders even are regular sex life. Any suggestions on how to open her up?

 

I am interested in a swinger type lifestyle. She isn't totally opposed to it, like she doesn't straight up tell me no way in hell when I mention a threesome, but she is not emotionally ready for one because of her uptightness.

 

The other night was the first time she was even willing to put on a show for me and masturbate after 2 and a half years of marriage. She is uptight enough that she has a hard time getting wet because she is too worried about how she is whether I'm enjoying myself etc. etc.

 

How do I get her to open up and more sexual?

[SW_PA_Couple 4,023]

MasterHack2007 said:

how do I get her to open up and more sexual?

First of all, I would like to welcome you to the Swingersboard. I hope you find the forums and other facilities here to be fun and informative.

 

I would also like to respectfully suggest that you and you wife should not even be thinking of a "swinger type lifestyle" until you get the regular part of your relationship and sex life into working order. You will know much better than I could possibly know what is making your wife uptight. Wishing you good luck in all things.

[LFM2 1,482]

to the Swingers Board!!

 

Have to agree with SW_PA_Couple. It's almost impossible to swing if you have problems within your own marriage.

 

Swinging creates a kind of magnifying glass. It will just magnify problems you have and carry that over into swinging, and most surely, would in all probability, ruin your marriage.

 

My best advice to you is to be patient. Since you know your wife better than we do, it might be just a matter of patience and communication to help your situation.

[Additude 457]

Welcome to the board.

 

Practice-Practice-Practice....

 

Move an inch at a time, not a mile.

[midnightplayer 135]

I am afraid I do not have encouraging information for you. My wife has always had problems being open, totally sexually uninhibited in the bedroom and we have been married 40 years. I made some early mistakes and when I brought up swinging early in our marriage. She said no and I did not push the issue and hoped that over time she would become more confident in our marriage and at least consider soft swing. Never happened.

 

As time went on "things" not only got in the way of her sexuality but began to interfere in our marriage. Mother getting sick and passing followed by the morning period, then she got ill, then her father took so much care and passed and now finishing up his estate (small but time consuming). All this is background for my next thought.

 

Some women will never ever become the sexually free woman men really want. It is not in their genes. They have never wanted to be sexual and free from the bond of society and what they should do as a "good girl". I fear you will be swimming upstream in getting her involved in swinging and you may look back to this post 20 years later and say nothing ever changed.

 

You as a man are always going to have more sexual energy than your wife and you should face that now. You have limited options, I agree with everyone here swinging will only magnify these problems. If you really want to help yourself and your wife get her and yourself to a sex therapist as soon as you can. If the sex therapist cant help your marriage and specifically your wife you need to consider the alternative, namely divorce. It is not fair to her or you to be in a marriage that eventually will end bitterly. It is best to face the fact at an early part in the relationship. Sometimes good people just married the wrong person. Good Luck.

[MasterHack2007 18]

I don't want to try and push her into a swinging lifestyle or anything, I would be perfectly happy if she would just open up to me. It's like she is completely ashamed of being sexual. I ask her what her fantasies are and she says she has none, that she doesn't even think about it. I'm interested in swinging but have no problem with it never happening, I just want to try and find a way to open her up so she can truly enjoy sex and figured what better place to find advice then a swingers forum.

 

Since I have started kind of pushing, not hard mind you, just talking to her and trying to get some insight into what the issue truly is, she has started to open up to me some. She has admitted to having thoughts about other men which she has never admitted to me before because she felt as though even finding another man attractive and thinking she would want to have sex with someone else were she not married was like betraying me. She wants to open up, she just has some metal "roadblocks" that inhibit her ability to do so, and communication seems to be helping. But no matter how many time I tell her how sexy she is or how she is (and I mean being completely honest) the best sexual partner I have ever had, she has a major issue with her image and has little or no confidence in herself.

[bbarnsworth 2,636]

It's possible that some professional counseling could aid her. Heavy stress on counseling being a positive thing in every respect; it doesn't mean you're "broken". It's just a step to improve yourself. There's a ridiculous amount of stigma associated with counseling, and it's wrong.

 

I'd emphasize with her that you are with her, period. There's no down-the-road surprises, expected paybacks-because-you-owe-me, etc. You walk together. Explore together. Be together. Are together. ALWAYS.

 

One of the hardest things my wife grappled with was the idea that I would actively enjoy watching her have sex with another man, and also for her to understand that I enjoyed hearing how much she wanted someone, found them attractive etc. Bridging to understanding that this was not betrayal, but very welcome indeed, took time, patience, and many times repeated verbal support.

[mikeandjenn2001 77]

I agree with bbarnesworth, when Jen and I first started, it was with me approaching her about wanting to see her with another guy. Although we never saw a counselor, we talked it out and it eventually worked itself out.

 

I will say that we never had the problems that you described before I approached Jen though and counseling may help. There are also a number of books out on the subject of not only swinging, but sex and sexuality itself which may also be helpful.

[JustAskJulie 2,595]

Work slowly. Start with getting her comfortable with sexuality, in general, and with trying new things with JUST you: watching movies, toys, talking about her fantasies, etc. It may take years and you will have to have patience, but if you want it that is what is required. She may NEVER be ready to swing and you have to accept that, too.

[spiritualuk 104]

I agree with what people have said so far HOWEVER I do not totally agree with people saying your marriage / partnership has problems, in fact it doesn’t have problems but your wife has issues been open sexually, but that does not mean your entire marriage is bad or wrong, it just means she is self conscious and has some hang ups about sex, but sadly my friend those issues are NOT something that will go away easily, and I’m saying this from actual experience. I was involved with a girl for a long number of years and while she wasn’t quiet as shy as your partner she did have serious hang ups about this lifestyle and didn’t want anything to do with it at all. Please understand that we had a long relationship, lots of history between us, and even a home together, but in the end this lifestyle helped push us apart, and ended a very long relationship.

 

By the sounds of things your wife is defiantly NOT cut out to be involved with this lifestyle and by the sounds of things that will NEVER CHANGE. Maybe I’m wrong but if you ask a girl what her fantasies and desires are and she replies she has NONE not even one to mention, then sorry to say but your in for a very rough ride and most likely will never experience this lifestyle with her. Honestly I tried for years to get my ex to settle with the idea (and she was more confident than your partner) and it’s fair to say she did have a stunning body, but not even she could do this. Your best chance is to get sexual counseling for your wife / marriage, and sure maybe with A LOT OF TIME and effort things would change a little bit, but rest assured that will NEVER be to the extent that you’re hoping, as from the sounds of it your partner naturally does not enjoy sex.

 

Sure you can stay with this women if you like but understand if you do then you are going to be limited sexually maybe for the rest of your life, and even if things do change a little it will certainly never be what you hoped for or dreamed. I will however say one thing and that’s not all girls play with themselves in front of people, and sure some don’t like giving blow jobs, or having anal sex ect, remember some girls do differ in what they will and wont enjoy (that’s fine) and should be respected at all times, so please don’t judge your partner to harshly just because she’s not sex crazed nymphomaniac, because this is NOT new news, but a lot of girls just aren’t like that, in fact a lot of girls can be timid in bed, so please don’t think your wife is the only one.

 

You need to understand that this is a COMMON problem between swinging couples, by all means look on any forum and you will see people complaining about there wives been uptight and against this lifestyle, and sadly in most cases that leads off into disaster and the best peace of advice is EITHER hang up your desires and forget about this lifestyle for good (make things better between you and your wife and be happy with that) or if the urge is to strong then basically you could try counseling for your wife but that could take a very long time to see any real changes, or secondly and the more likely outcome you could move on from her and find a new partner, one who is more open minded.

 

No you say, one day things will change, one day like a magic switch she will suddenly change and things will get better, well sorry my friend carry on believing that if you wish but TRUST ME in maybe 90% of cases THINGS DON’T CHANGE and I know this not only because I have been there myself, but because I have had over 10 years of experience in this lifestyle and have read enough forums and complaints about this to fill an entire library, the facts are this lifestyle is just NOT for some people, remember there are men who would not want to do this as well, not just girls, and sadly if your sat there wishing things would change then WAKE UP because chances are they never will.

 

One thing to always remember is that sexual counseling for these sorts of things is very common, or in other words you are not alone, in fact a huge amount of sexual counselors will have been asked about swinging numerous times in their careers, these people are use to hearing these things and are trained to handle them, by all means you could try that route and see if it makes some changes in the long term, but my guess from what you have written is that will never truly change, and if there is some change it will only be very minor and small, defiantly not what you had in mind, and that might not be enough to settle you into this lifestyle. I think the truth is your wife seems very uptight about things and obviously has some strong hang ups about sex, so basically your options are (dig in) forget some of your desires and see what happens, or to move on and find another partner who is more open minded and liberated.

 

Most people into this lifestyle are very quick to tell you to move on, and with experience you will see that is not because there heartless, or because there just saying the first thing that comes to mind, its actually because a lot of us have seen where these things lead and have seen it with our very own eyes (I have lived this experience myself) and so have countless other couples, and more often than not it ends in disaster, and that’s why a lot of people will be quick to tell you to move on. I dug my trenches and stuck with an uptight girl for years in hope things would change, but sadly it doesn’t, and most of the time that sexual issues and frustration grates at you and pushes you further apart, please understand sex with someone who doesn’t like sex does not get better, it gets worse.

 

Your only real hope is sexual counseling, but just understand that may only yield limited results and in my opinion might not be enough to encourage your wife into this lifestyle, at best you could hope for some minor changes between you and her, but any more than that and your been to optimistic. Just rest assured this issue does not mean your relationship is rubbish, it does no mean he world is going to end, or that you are destined to break up, the real question is can you hang up your desires for good? Can you live with this women knowing that for the rest of your life your probably never going to get the open, nice and trusting sex that you want? REMEMBER you either love this girl for the girl she is, or you don’t love her at all, and that has nothing to do with swinging or her sexual abilities, and you either have to stand firm, or accept it will never change and move on to a new partner who is open minded about these things.

 

Just remember its not just your wife who has problems, in fact we all have problems at times the question is can you live with those problems for the rest of your life? Rest assured you go and find a new girl, and she will also have problems, sure she might be confident enough to play with others, and give you much better sex, but overall she will have a list of issues and problems just like the next person. I do feel for you because this very subject as hurt my life as well, and can be very difficult, but in all honesty I wish I’d have moved on form my ex years ago. Good luck friend.

 

Regards x

[slevin 1,374]

Maybe I’m wrong but if you ask a girl what her fantasies and desires are and she replies she has NONE not even one to mention, then sorry to say but your in for a very rough ride and most likely will never experience this lifestyle with her.

 

There are some very happily married women on here who are swinging, have been for a long time, and still say they don't have fantasies. So I don't think that in itself can be a determinant of someones suitability for swinging.

[PB&J 1,086]

There are some very happily married women on here who are swinging, have been for a long time, and still say they don't have fantasies. So I don't think that in itself can be a determinant of someones suitability for swinging.

 

Yep. I'm one of them.

[DigginIt 1,132]

Persistence, communication and patience. Not necessarily in that order.

 

First and foremost, swinging begins with you and your spouse. Echoing many people here... it would be very unwise to even start at this point in your relationship. This lifestyle can quickly reveal weaknesses and even complicate them if you are unprepared. Work on your intimacy and then talk about things. Don't try to bring in more uncomfortable things in an seemingly already uncomfortable situation and don't let something you want cloud your judgement.

 

Now, assuming that things start going swimmingly in your relationship. If this is truly a desire then be persistent in a kind and loving way. It took my wife and I two years before we made a leap and I have always considered my wife as very sexually aggressive. Plant a conscious seed and let it grow.

 

Communication is key to everything in your relationship. Not talking about pillow talk here but true, honest and sincere discussions. Why do you want to do this, what do you expect it to bring into your relationship or what do you expect to get out of it. This will help both of you to get more comfortable with the ideas.

 

Patience. The lifestyle isn't going anywhere. There is no reason to rush. You can't jump into anything until both of you are ready and that means moving at your wifes pace. That could be two weeks, two years or maybe never.

 

Introduce your wife to this website and let her do her own investigation. Let her hear from some of the women here that have been where she is at. Let her come to her own conclusion about what the lifestyle could be like for both of you. Remember, don't push or coerce.

 

Good luck to you both. Keep us posted.

[Plasticman57 40]

I have been married 17 years to the same woman...the woman you are talking about. Her problems started when she had fibroid surgery and took medicines for he hormones. Later she had a hysterectomy and it got worse. While she was never the sex kitten she would always hide in the dark while dressing and feel ashamed if she had on anything sexy, after the surgery she just lost all interest in sex, being sexy or sexual intimacy. Your wifes issues might be hormonal or emotional. If neither of these are the problem then you may be faced with a difficult decision. First try to see if there is a biological, psychological or medical issue before you write her off.

[MasterHack2007 18]

I'm perfectly fine with never getting into the lifestyle, just kind of a fantasy. My wife is starting to open up a little but there is a long way to go, and while she may never get all the way there, I will be pleased if she opens up just enough for her to truly enjoy sex between the two of us

[jamen 41]

We have the same situation. She says she is just happy with me,and swinging never comes into her mind. There was a point where she approached an ex and spoke with him about it but he wasn't interested. Folks said even that situation was a bad idea. He was interested in a one on one with her but not a 3 way. She declined him. Sometimes ya just need to fantasize and that as far as it will ever go. So as in our situation just be grateful you have her for who she is and run with it.

[eraserxx7 8]

I have read all the comments that you have gotten. I just want to say that a have been in your position for the last 25-30 years. My wife has never been open with me. She has never felt comfortable undressing in front of me. She still will cover herself if I come into the room and she is dressing. Our sex life has been non-existent since the birth of of our last child 40 years ago. We are in our sixties. I have a big craving fr sex. That's why I am here and why I am on many sites looking for sex.

 

Over the years I have even asked her to have sex with other men, she refused but at times likes the idea. I took her to lounges so men would pick her up, she refused them. I tried to get her into a lesbian encounter, she backed out. We once viewed a tape of women getting fucked by dogs. She always enjoyed the idea of getting fucked doggy style. I offered to get her a dog, and she said yes, but when the dog wanted to mount her she just teased him but never did anything. When we did have sex she wanted me to pretend I was a doberman fucking her doggy style.

 

Today she will not try anything sexually. She knows I am out looking for women, she does not object. She says she is too dry and will never have sex. I am thinking of leaving her, she tells me to go ahead if that's what I want to find women. She never wanted counseling because she felt it was nobodies business. My kids think I am a sex addict because she has led them to believe all I do is chase women.

 

All I would say is get your divorce, if you really want to enjoy sex in your remaining time. Your biological clock is running down.

[realcplub2 513]

eraserxx7 said:

 We once viewed a tape of women getting fucked by dogs. She always enjoyed the idea of getting fucked doggy style. I offered to get he a dog, and she said yes, but when the dog wanted to mount her she just teased him but never did anything. When we did have sex she wanted me to pretend I was a doberman fucking her doggy style. Today she will not try anything sexually.

 

YIKES!!

 

Can't imagine what her problem is, CAN YOU????

[realcplub2 513]

MasterHack2007 said:

I'm perfectly fine with never getting into the lifestyle just kind of a fantasy. My wife is starting to open up a little but there is a long way to go and while she may never get all the way there I will be pleased if she opens up just enough for her to truly enjoy sex between the two of us

 

Ok, now that that one was addressed let's get on to answering the OP

 

Your wife needs to feel trust IN you... not to judge, not to ridicule, and to accept what she says.

 

And yes, the Other post, apparently it WAS there, but, it was way out of our ballpark

 

How about trying a simple exercise and see how it works.. As foreplay, ask her to close her eyes and Imagine.. throw a scenario or two at her, Friends, Celebrities, Characters from TV or Movies... Get the ball rolling and then interject asking what they are doing now.. or what she is doing with them..

 

See how that goes... add in a few toys to simulate another person.. and what her reactions.. if she gets freaked out. STOP immediately. If she reacts positively, go slow and add more.. or more another time. Do not try fantasy play every time you get in bed, but use it to enhance your lovemaking, and if she gets the idea that Hey maybe it would be even better with another playmate.

 

Best of luck.

[want2watch40 20]

I feel your pain.

 

I was married to a similar woman for 25 years. I worked my way up to getting her to try new things with me but I still felt she was not at all comfortable with them. She didn't even like limited PDA.

 

I ended up watching porn and chatting with other women online to satisfy my fantasies. This only made our marriage worse and I finally left.

 

I am now in a relationship with a woman that is a dream come true. We talk about our sexual desires and our past sexual experiences. We have even discussed this lifestyle and may some day participate in it.

 

I am so much happier knowing I have a woman that is not hung up on what society classifies as "normal" sexual behavior.

[fun4Ds 1,097]

MasterHack2007 said:

I'm perfectly fine with never getting into the lifestyle just kind of a fantasy. My wife is starting to open up a little but there is a long way to go and while she may never get all the way there I will be pleased if she opens up just enough for her to truly enjoy sex between the two of us.

 

I have to ask... How do you speak to your wife about this? Do you tell her she is "uptight" as in "don't be so uptight about it honey"?

 

Just for clarification

[MasterHack2007 18]

I do tell her pretty much that I think she is kind of uptight about sex. I consider the fact that she seems uncomfortable with normal sex with her husband to the extent that she is unable to enjoy the experience to the fullest as "uptight". The swinger lifestyle and all is beyond normal sexual experiences so that isn't really part of my definition of her being uptight. It is just the normal sexuality that she is unable to enjoy that makes me consider her uptight. And yes, address it to her as her being uptight and having mental roadblocks that stop her from enjoying sex. Its more of "your uptightness inhibits your ability to enjoy our sex life".