My first experience with jealousy.

[Mr. Truelove 81]

Well everyone I have a long post to make, I apologize for it being so long, but occasionally they have to be made. And I'm thankful to have a place like this board to get it off my chest. With so few people to talk to about situations it really helps, and I'm looking forward to hearing what you all have to say.

 

Recently I have my first case of my wife getting jealous of another woman and it really blindsided me. My wife and I have been honest with each other with even the littlest of things. I'm going to go into quite a bit of detail here so there is a good picture of things.

 

It all started a month/month and a half ago when we first started chatting with another couple. I was really into "Jane" from the get go. We really hit it off. I also got along well with "John" her husband. My wife had seen their profile and agreed they were someone we would like to meet. They had to drive quite a while to come to our city, but were willing because they like going to Club Utopia anyway. Because I had such a good feel about the couple I didn't mind offering up hosting them at our house, and the discussion turned to the point where we thought we would even make a weekend of it. And if we didn't hit it off, we would just end up with a vanilla weekend at our house.

 

During the weeks leading up to meeting we really wanted to get some chatting done so we would know each other a bit better before the weekend arrived. Our schedules for chatting seemed to work best late at night after the young kids were in bed, with the exception of Mrs. Truelove, she likes to go to bed rather early at 10pm. So basically I was chatting every other night or so to both the male and female half of the other couple, while my wife was chatting maybe once a week. I even talked on the phone with Jane twice which was nice.

 

Recently we had been having some misfortune in the swinging community and it was really nice for me to have a strong connection with another couple. I was actually quite overwhelmed.

 

During this time I would ask Mrs. Truelove if it was okay the way we were chatting and she said it was fine. And we were reading all the logs of the chats each of us had the next day anyway. We have done this with other couples in the past and it hasn't been much of a problem.

 

We all met on a Friday at our house and sat around and chatted a bit. Went out to dinner, talked, went to a local adult shop and shopped for club outfits, and went to a hockey game. During which all signs were pointing that things were going really well. I talked to Mrs. Truelove on the side a few times to make sure she was okay with the other guy and that she was okay with play, and she said she was.

 

We get back to our place and get into the hot tub and are really enjoying ourselves. At one point I look over and see Mrs. Truelove with John and they are kissing and hands are under the water. This isn't uncommon for Mrs. Truelove to make a move first because I am quite shy. After seeing her with him, I start making out with Jane. Things are getting really hot and I'm having a lot of fun. I keep peeking over to Mrs. Truelove and she's getting into John as well. At one point Jane is sitting on my lap and we are almost touching. (I later found out this was a point Mrs. Truelove had a little issue with, just because it made her mind drift to the idea we were doing something we weren't) We all discussed we would use protection, and nothing happened there, but it was definitely suggestive that we were doing more than we should even if it was actually just teasing each other. At one point I look over and see Mrs. Truelove going down on John as he is in the hot tub. And I suggest that Jane go over and help them two out. After all, it's kind of fun to fulfill some fantasies. She does for a short bit, but then comes back to me. All this is seeming to go well, and we decide to move it inside. So the men get out of the hot tub, and Jane suggests to Mrs. Truelove that they tease us and make out. Which they do for a short time.

 

Inside we go to the bed room and still pair off with each others partners. I'm really into her, she is really into me, and my wife and John are doing a bit of oral. Things are going great. We are being really loud. I am making comments to turn on Jane by saying she is so hot, and that I am really attracted to her. Which is the truth. I get a condom on, but I am just having a bit of trouble cumming with it on. Not a problem, as I don't mind finishing with Mrs. Truelove at all. I am surprised to find out that Mrs. Truelove came twice from oral, which she has never done before and rarely does she ever cum twice anyway! So now that Jane and I are all wore out. I am watching Mrs. Truelove and she is acting like she is tired and wants to be done. So we all roll over and lay on the bed a while, and Mrs. Truelove is pinching my side. This is the only point the whole weekend where I actually accurately read her mind and figure out she is ready for alone time.

 

John and Jane go into the room we had prepared, and Mrs. Truelove and I are in are bed alone. Mrs. Truelove tells me she was getting a little bit jealous of me and Jane, and that I was being too vocal. She says it's okay, but that she wants me. Obviously feeling like we needed to reconnect a bit. So we make love and go to sleep.

 

The next morning we wake up and talk a little before we go out to meet our friends. Mrs. Truelove states that she had a little jealous, but is okay. Just that I need to pay more attention to her during play tonight, I tell her that we can stop at this point if she wants. She says she is fine. So we spend the day shopping, dinner, and get ready to go to the club.

 

At the club I notice Mrs. Truelove is enjoying the alcohol a bit more than normal. It doesn't surprise me that she is trying to just loosen up a little, and I am okay with that. She starts drinking a bit more and I am the one getting her drinks so I start putting straight soda into it to cut her off. She is plenty loosened up at this point anyway. At one point I check to see if she is still fine with play and she says she is. We're flirting and dancing and having fun and we decide to get a room. In the room things are going fine, and I keep checking with Mrs. Truelove to make sure. I'm checking in on her frequently and she looks to be enjoying herself. And I am really having fun with Jane. Really the most fun I've had with a playmate so far. Still I can't finish, but that is fine, Mrs. Truelove didn't either. So we go back to our own partners and I can kind of tell Mrs. Truelove was still having some issues. She is whispering things like, I really need you. I really want you. And so I am kind of gentle and we make love. Usually we don't do that in a play setting, usually we would be a little rough and it'd be more like sex. But she was definitely wanting us to be intimate.

 

After the play is over we go out to a local restaurant to get some food and Mrs. Truelove is in a sleepy/drunk state and is almost out of it the whole time. Doesn't surprise any of us with how much she drank and the workout we all had that she was really intensifying the alcohol.

 

The next morning around 10am, Mrs. Truelove and I get up, and Mrs. Truelove acting hung over. Which she was. We're all sitting around for an hour or so and Mrs. Truelove wants to lay back down in bed. For the next hour and half or so the other three of us are chatting and I keep checking on Mrs. Truelove bringing her water. I ask if she is okay and she says she is just hung over.

 

Eventually around 1pm I come in the room and I ask her if she is still having issues and she is crying a bit. Says she was jealous the whole weekend and doesn't want to come down and see them anymore. I am still not really clear on how upset she is. Just know that she isn't handling it well. I'm trying not to cause alarm with the couple and they still need to shower, so I am kind of juggling what I think might be a problem upstairs with not trying to offend guests. So I really don't force the issue of getting them out of the house. They do have a long drive ahead of them, and I am not aware that Mrs. Truelove is having that big of a meltdown yet.

 

After they leave around 3pm or so I go up to Mrs. Truelove and now I am made aware that she has actually been having issues since we'd been chatting the first week in. She is upset I didn't ask them to leave sooner, she had been imagining all the things we could have been doing downstairs, and her imagination really went badly. She didn't like that I hit it off so well with Jane, and didn't like I was chatting without her being there all those weeks before. She mentioned one point where I even neglected tucking her into bed, and dismissively said goodnight. Mrs. Truelove tells me she didn't want to get to know Jane because the more she got to know her the more she thought I was more of a match with her than I was with Mrs. Truelove.

 

I am so shocked! Never has Mrs. Truelove ever been less than honest with me before, and I took all her saying it's fine at face value. Never once did I think that she would go along with the whole thing to make me happy. Apparently because I hadn't been connecting with anyone, and Mrs. Truelove say how happy I was to have met a woman that I did connect with, that she went along with it even though she was feeling jealous.

 

Basically after a week of talking it over, we've come to the following points that we agree on:

 

-Mrs. Truelove felt insecure, and inferior to Jane. My comments in bed with Jane really hurt Mrs. Truelove. Especially when I said "I was so attracted to you." to Jane. She thought Jane was someone that I would have wished to have found in life in the sense of a wife. This isn't accurate at all, and it's something I am having a hard time dealing with. Yes I connected very well with Jane, but I have no desire to replace my wife. And I can't make her feel more secure. I can tell her she is beautiful and smart all day long, but unless she accepts it, it's going to be there.

 

-Mrs. Truelove didn't like the lack of interest in girl girl play with Jane. And thought Jane didn't take a sexual interest in her. And maybe even though Jane didn't like her. I didn't realize how important this aspect was to her. It is something I am not that interested in watching. But it made Mrs. Truelove question her attractiveness. Which fed into her feeling insecure.

 

-I didn't recognize that I was bothering my wife with the late night chatting and a couple phone calls. I've been with her for 15 years now and I should have been able to better judge the things she would have been uncomfortable with. Letting her go to bed alone was a huge mistake on my part as I already knew she didn't like me doing it even when I wasn't chatting. She is usually okay with me staying up late even though she doesn't like it. But me up late chatting was a whole new level of uncomfortable. I was neglecting her and I didn't notice.

 

-Mrs. Truelove was dishonest. Even if she did it out of caring for me she did it. We've since discussed how important it is to communicate truthfully no matter what. Although this point is glaringly obvious now.

 

-When I saw signs at the club of her drinking, I should have found a private place for Mrs. Truelove and I to have a talk. I should have noticed the unusual and investigated. I'm going to try to not let myself get so into a woman that I neglect paying attention to my wife.

 

-Mrs. Truelove and I both felt a pressure to play. Even though absolutely not pressured by the other couple, we had a self instilled pressure to play. Not a problem for me, but a problem for Mrs. Truelove for sure. She didn't feel like she could call off play without it being an issue for me. I wouldn't have had a issue with no play, but the implied play was there because we have always talked about it that way. We are more open to the idea of going slow now.

 

-Mrs. Truelove was way emotional as her cycle was to start the following Tuesday. She is apparently much more emotional the weekend before she starts and it was very obvious after the fact. We've agreed that play that weekend is not a wise idea anymore.

 

-having a couple over an entire weekend for the first meet was a mistake. When things went wrong it didn't give us the downtime we needed to reconnect and discuss things. While we had little time here and there, it wasn't enough. And it allowed small feelings to snowball into huge feelings.

 

So the question is where to go from here. I would be so happy to spend another weekend with the other couple, but I don't see that ever happening with the trauma Mrs. Truelove went through with the jealousy. She admits to having fun at certain points, but the emotions that she had at the time are overwhelming her still.

 

She did agree to talk to the other couple from time to time and see where things go. Which is more than I ever expected from her after seeing how she was taking it all. We both agree the other couple was nothing less than really great. But don't know if she can't overcome the jealousy issue.

 

We made the first step of contacting the other couple and sharing some photos that were taken. I was surprised that Mrs. Truelove even wanted to look at them, but she did okay with that. But we said we'd take that really slow and just try to be friends. I did find out, honestly after the whole thing that Mrs. Truelove was indeed attracted to them. But that the jealously kind of got in the way of things.

 

I guess I am doing a few things here. Asking for comments. Similar stories. Helpful advice. Or just plain sharing the experience to get a little tension off my chest. I'm really leaning on the board a bit.

 

It's the first problem that I can call a serious one. And it really took me off guard. I do feel closer to Mrs. Truelove now. And I think there is a better understanding for her now that I would never leave her for anyone, and that my love for her is undying.

 

One last comment here. If the couple that we shared this experience with happens to read it. I really hope you understand that you two were nothing more than great. And we hope you don't think by any of this, that there was any fault to placed on your shoulders, because there wasn't.

[ebsfgncu 44]

The biggest thing I get out of reading this post is that you've discussed all the problems that arose with the situation, except it was done after the fact and after the drama. However that being said, you don't always know what the problems are until you go through them. We've all been there. You go through a situation, discuss it with your spouse and go from there. Keep the line of communications WAY open or else you'll run into more of these issues in the future.

 

Best of luck in your fun,

Dawn

[WildMiCouple 325]

Hey Mr Truelove, a couple things stuck out at me in your description of what went on. First is your attraction with your playmate.

 

Mr. Truelove said:

I was actually quite overwhelmed.

.......................................................................................

We are being really loud. I am making comments to turn on Jane by saying she is so hot, and that I am really attracted to her. Which is the truth.

It's very understandable that Mrs Truelove would pick upon this. Even more so that you mentioned it had never happened before. So, she was obviously picking up on your excitement and this was something very foreign to her.

 

The second thing I thought about you answered. Even before I read it, I was thinking perhaps she was close to her cycle. I know how that really magnifies Tammy's emotions, so I'm betting that played a part in her overwhelming emotions too.

 

And last was the whole weekend thing. I personally wouldn't invite a couple over for the weekend that we at least hadn't met in person prior. Just too much could go wrong if things don't work out. I'm guessing that Mrs Truelove wouldn't have been as jealous if you had just had one evening out with them. It would have been easier for you two to talk the next day after playing if they hadn't still been there.

 

It's probably just gonna take some time for her jealousy issues to subside. Perhaps a short break is needed to regroup and get the old feelings back. And next time, if I were you, I'd keep my emotions a little more subdued

 

Best of luck to you both.

[DigginIt 1,132]

I really do not have any advice. You have been doing this much longer than I have but I wanted to say thank you very much for sharing.

 

There were a few things in there that allowed me to reflect on our swinging as mental notes to take forward into our adventures. We have not had any jealousy yet but I can see how a couple subtle things could easily compound into something big.

 

I appreciate you posting this.

[realcplub2 513]

Thank you for sharing the details Mr truelove, But that having been said, I need to point out the fact that after all of the experience in the world we still run into the green eyed monster.. which can be very deceptive as it was in your case.. Its time to take it back to the basics.

 

The very first thing that needs to be addressed between you and your misses, is the fact that honesty between you and her.. She after the fact said she was uncomfortable from the near beginning.. How much heart ache would have been avoided if she has said so, when she felt it?

 

Remember? Regardless of how into them you or she may be, when the other say wait a minute.. everyone stops. Her not being able to get to know them on her own and relying on chat logs is VERY different than actually clearing the air on her own.

 

Next key issue relates back to the putting a stop to everything.. At any point, she should have spoken up.. FRIDAY night.. at dinner, In the Hot Tub, Where ever she felt like the odd person out. Saturday night never would/should have happened if she had said something FRIDAY.

 

Now can I ask a question that might not have come to mind? Is it possible she was feeling a bit of guilt because John was able to get her off, twice.. but from your own admission Jane didn't get you off, and you expected to finish with Mrs Truelove? With all the mixed emotions, its within the realm of possibility, isn't it?

 

Seriously, its time to sit and talk about the whole thing again, like a pair of newbies, and take it from there.. How does she feel about even attempting to continue forward with these other people?

 

If that's the route You want to take, and Mrs Truelove agrees, change how you approach this, allow HER to proceed going forward.

[Guest MrsVan]

I first have to start off by saying that I think you guys are on the right track to recovery. MrVan and I have had some similar situations and as I read your post I am reminded of times where each of us was "jealous" of a relationship we created with the other couple. Our 1st experience was when we 1st got into the LS and MrVan was having issues with my communication with the other husband. The other husband and I talked via chat almost every day and numerous times throughout the day. There were even times that we talked via phone whereas MrVan did not have that with the other wife. He started to feel "jealous" of us and I realized I was hurting him. Even during play time with this couple I did things with the husband that MrVan could not get me to do and well that was a big let down for MrVan. The biggest key to our success and getting through this situation was COMMUNICATION and I have to say that you guys seem to be doing that.

 

Now, I am in the same situation and have had some issues with MrVan and a wife of a couple that we have talked about playing with. I had the same feelings that MrsTrueLove is feeling and I think the best thing is to talk things out, be honest with each other and if she is not ready to get involved with them just yet then take babysteps. But respect her decision if she says she does not want to play with them again. But MrsTrueLove, if you are having these feelings and they do not let up be honest with MrTrueLove and do not force yourself to have a play session for him. You basically are then taking one for the team when you obviously are not comfortable.

 

I think like others have said, the biggest problem (don't want to say a mistake) was having them stay the entire weekend. We do not do that unless we have gotten to know the other couple well or have had play sessions with them prior to where we know both are comfortable. I would say in the future do not make a weekend of it unless you have had the chance to meet the other couple and possibly have a play session under your belt first.

 

I wish you both the best in this situation! Just keep doing what your doing which is communicate and be honest with each other. Kuddos to you Mr and MrsTrueLove for taking a look back and finding out where or what went wrong and what to do in the future!

 

Hugs and kisses

 

MrsVan

[Additude 457]

Mr. Truelove,

 

I think you need to be commended for actions above and beyond the call of duty. Seriously.

 

Mrs. Truelove needs to be proud of you. Your display of loyality, truthfullness, faithfullness and undenied love for your wife is truly apparent and needs to be absolutely appreciated.

 

I have more to say, but I'll bite my tongue.

[fun4Ds 1,098]

A wise man told me once "An error doesn't become a mistake, until we refuse to correct it" I know I wear it out sometimes with friends, but there is so much truth in that for me personally. Not only truth, but understanding, acceptance and even forgiveness sometimes. Not only in myself, but toward others as well.

 

Have you made error's ? Yes, un-intentional errors perhaps, but a mistake ? No... Neither of you have !

 

Have we experienced Jealousy ? Yes, but its early and I should consult my better half Mrsfun, before divulging anything more on her behalf. I can't speak for Mrsfun on this issue now so this is entirely my thoughts, at least for now. You should as well know we spent a great deal of time with the single females, many of whom I just couldn't get a connection on a personal level. I'll digress on that for now, but I can assure you there became a time on a personal level as a man, I had questions.

 

Did I chat with females and get/feel a connection. Oh hell yes ! I hate to admit it sometimes, but I'm just not the guy to have what I believe to be "great sex" without making that connection. Even with Mrsfuns female playmates sometimes it just wasn't there for ME. Those chats meant allot to me personally when there was distance. Sometimes they were erotically HOT, and some just gave me comfort before meeting someone. When we did meet WOW is all I can say... It left my reservations at the door... Its been our discussions many of times including a few Jealous feelings. Like you guys, Mrsfun reads Everything I type. I think what you did chatting because of the distance, you found a connection, in your own way... Should we be in denial of that or face it for what it is ? I think this woman gave you excitement, WITH TRUST ! A special woman indeed to know. Does that trust extend to Mrs Truelove ? If not, I'll bet it could....

 

The thing is for us, there are huddles in life and swinging was and always be a part of our life now. Some became road blocks, but only if we let them. We like to take time and evaluate our hurdles now. Some, even as we found, were stumbling blocks, especially when we didn't see them coming, it does happen....

 

My question to you is, does Mrs Truelove understand you as well ? I see your understanding or trying to understand her and I see that as admirable.

 

But I have to question you as I would myself. I would want to know about myself and why or what I experienced and then, I would need Mrsfun to understand whats important to ME and why... Its Important. Saying I shouldn't have done that and never doing it again might work in some situations. But would you be denying yourself something ? Something you enjoyed, and still be non-threatening to your undying love for one another ?

 

We can't always be selfless to our partners as much as we would like too. Do you understand yourself, and why this happened. I think this other female gave you something you haven't experienced before, perhaps neither Mrs Truelove or you have.

 

I think, this is a good way and time to discover new boundaries and limits unknown before. A better understanding for everyone. I can't say Mrs Truelove's feelings aren't valid, they are valid ! But, this new woman/couple gave you a comfort that no other may have and I cant find blame on your behalf, for that.... There were women I couldn't get off with when we started. We found out together, who I could get off with.... and more importantly, why.

[Alura 2,774]

I think y'all are well on the way to working this thing out. You're doing it just right.

 

The only time I remember being jealous was once when three couples were sitting on the floor in front of our fireplace and Mr. Playmate started stroking Laura's hair lovingly. It really lit my fear fuse. Nobody ever knew how it had affected me, and once alone, Laura and I discussed it and worked it out.

 

Good luck to you two.

 

By the way, the playcouple sound like the kind of folks we'd all like to know and be friends with.

[bbarnsworth 2,643]

Yes I connected very well with Jane, but I have no desire to replace my wife. And I can't make her feel more secure. I can tell her she is beautiful and smart all day long, but unless she accepts it, it's going to be there.

 

You can't overcome this because it is not yours to overcome. All you can do is be there 100% for your wife. Swinging is never, ever about replacing a spouse. If it even hints of that, there's a problem.

 

 

I was neglecting her and I didn't notice.

 

I do as you do, frequently checking in with my wife in regards to swinging, whether we're out on a date or just at home. I'm constantly keeping her in the loop (she prefers me to do all the 'computer stuff'), and constantly making sure that anything I do online in regards to swinging is ok with her. It's all you can do. It's up to your spouse to maintain the other side of that; 100% open, honest communication.

 

Yes, you did miss some warning signs. The drinking especially should have set you off. Someone drinking heavier than normal almost always has a reason.

 

Mrs. Truelove was dishonest. Even if she did it out of caring for me she did it. We've since discussed how important it is to communicate truthfully no matter what. Although this point is glaringly obvious now.

 

Sometimes it takes experience to learn something. She took one for the home team. Yes, she had some fun, but she also had a terrible experience because she didn't want this to go forward, and let it go forward anyway. This should be a very, very strong lesson to both of you. If you're not comfortable with going ahead with something, don't. The only time you can't say no is after something has happened. She's saying no after it happened. You can say no at any time before, and she should have.

 

But saying that makes it sound like it's all her fault. It isn't. She MUST feel empowered to say no when she feels the need to say no. My wife and I have a rule that either of us can pull the plug at any time, for any reason, and no questions are asked until we are out of the situation and have some unfettered alone time, away from the club or circumstance. It is possible your wife did not feel empowered to say no. If someone says no, there should be no negative consequence in the later discussion either. It's a moment to move forward not back.

 

having a couple over an entire weekend for the first meet was a mistake. When things went wrong it didn't give us the downtime we needed to reconnect and discuss things. While we had little time here and there, it wasn't enough. And it allowed small feelings to snowball into huge feelings.

 

Yes. When I first read that I was astonished. A brand new couple for you, and you're meeting at your home? I was very surprised at that. We've been swingers for a year and a half now. We've had many enjoyable experiences. But not one of our swing partners has ever been to our home. It's likely to remain that way unless one or both of us find consistent, long term swing partners.

 

So the question is where to go from here. I would be so happy to spend another weekend with the other couple, but I don't see that ever happening with the trauma Mrs. Truelove went through with the jealousy.

 

I think it can happen again. More below.

 

She did agree to talk to the other couple from time to time and see where things go. Which is more than I ever expected from her after seeing how she was taking it all. We both agree the other couple was nothing less than really great. But don't know if she can't overcome the jealousy issue.

 

Neither does she. It's entirely up to her. You both can discuss it, and should, at many opportunities. The best way to overcome the jealousy issues is for your wife to be in the driver's seat, so to speak, for the next encounter with this couple. Do not have the couple over to your house again (at least for now). Any play time is away from home. This will give your wife a place to step back to, to feel secure. Contrast; a new woman is suddenly in your wife's home, in her face (literally) and you're having fantastic sex with her, telling her how great she is, how attracted to her you are, etc. That's a lot to swallow, awfully quickly.

 

 

I guess I am doing a few things here. Asking for comments. Similar stories. Helpful advice. Or just plain sharing the experience to get a little tension off my chest. I'm really leaning on the board a bit.

 

I think this is one of the best things about the board!

 

It's the first problem that I can call a serious one. And it really took me off guard. I do feel closer to Mrs. Truelove now. And I think there is a better understanding for her now that I would never leave her for anyone, and that my love for her is undying.

 

She may understand this from a logical perspective, but the emotional perspective may take some time to catch up. Emotions and logic are not the same, and rarely communicate to one another in the same brain

[Mrs. Truelove 16]

Thank you so much for all the advice and comments bbarnsworth.

 

Mrs. Truelove

[Mrs. Truelove 16]

I have truly realized what I did was wrong and I should have spoken up earlier. For that I am really upset with myself. I really think the other couple is great, and there wasn't anything wrong with what they did or didn't do.

 

I just don't know how to overcome this.

 

Mrs. Truelove

[ginger07 15]

I have truly realized what I did was wrong and I should have spoken up earlier. For that I am really upset with myself. I really think the other couple is great, and there wasn't anything wrong with what they did or didn't do.

 

I just don't know how to overcome this.

 

Mrs. Truelove

 

I can really relate...we went through an encounter where I should have said spoken up. I realized I can't expect my hubby to be a mind reader. Experiencing jealousy feelings this week myself and trying to deal with them...I suggest keep communicating with your hubby and take a bit of breather...

[lustylearning 705]

I have truly realized what I did was wrong and I should have spoken up earlier. For that I am really upset with myself. I really think the other couple is great, and there wasn't anything wrong with what they did or didn't do.

 

I just don't know how to overcome this.

 

Mrs. Truelove

 

Sometimes we feel uneasy about things, and we say to ourselves, "I know this is illogical. I'll get over it." But sometimes it takes more than logic. Don't feel bad for that. Jealousy is nature's way of telling you to stop and pay attention to why you're feeling the way you're feeling. Working through it can take time. I feel for you. It sounds like you were trying desperately to make your hubby happy. Don't forget you're feelings are equally important, whether or not they're logical. That thought may help you speak up more quickly.

[lovinher 505]

I have nothing to add that hasn't already been said. But over the last few years of reading posts from regulars such as the both of you, you get a feel of what kind of person are behind those posts. That being said, I have no doubt you guys will get through this just fine as long as something was learned from it.

[Mr. Truelove 81]

Thanks everyone. I really appreciate all the input.

 

I do have to say though, it does leave me really frustrated. One of the posters IMed me saying that they would have felt angry/frustrated and believe me I was there.

 

I had been having a nightmare of a time the past 2 year connecting with any women at all. They all seem interested in Mrs. Truelove just fine, but not me so much. And then when we do find someone that I connect with, well, jealousy happened. And at first she said she didn't want any contact with them at all.

 

It left me very upset and frustrated. I didn't take any of this out on Mrs. Truelove, luckily I actually had a good friend in the lifestyle I leaned on, and vented to. Because even though Mrs. Truelove was putting me in this situation, I really did want to understand why, and help her through it. And I did want to learn what I could have done differently as well. I did not want to be angry at her.

 

I'm still somewhat frustrated now. It was a lot of looking and when I found what I thought was the perfect match, I guess they were too perfect. And now I ask myself if I am even interested in continuing in the lifestyle. Because I honestly don't want to even try to be with anyone that I don't connect with. And if I do connect I worry about jealousy.

 

But for now we are agreeing on a break from everything and seeing where it goes.

[bbarnsworth 2,643]

I have truly realized what I did was wrong and I should have spoken up earlier. For that I am really upset with myself. I really think the other couple is great, and there wasn't anything wrong with what they did or didn't do.

 

I just don't know how to overcome this.

 

Mrs. Truelove

 

Ok, I recommend taking a step back here; affixing blame isn't the way forward. Your husband shouldn't be blaming you, and you shouldn't blame your husband. Likewise, neither of you should be blaming yourself. The blame game doesn't help. Give up on it. It's not the way forward.

 

Stop being upset with yourself. Instead, think of it this way; both of you are together, and both of you together found a situation in which the best situation was not had by all. It's not a you or he problem. It's a 'we' problem, the we being the both of you TOGETHER. You're no less together now than you were from before that weekend. In fact, you're probably more together.

 

If you hit a pot hole in the road, does your husband say "What the hell did you do that for?" or "wow that was a big pot hole"? I'm going to guess the latter. Bad spouses, or relationships having trouble, would say the former. The two of you hit a pot hole in the road. Respond in the latter, not the former. Work together on this because you are together, and there is no blame to parcel out. There is something for you both to work on together.

 

Try to figure out what triggered the jealousy. That's maybe too analytical, but it might be a good place to start. If you do find it, and it's something you can avoid in the future, you can try playing again (maybe a different couple) and see what happens. Make sure that both of you are, like I recommended in my first post, empowered to say no at any time, for any reason, and not have negative consequences for saying no.

 

I do have to say though, it does leave me really frustrated. One of the posters IMed me saying that they would have felt angry/frustrated and believe me I was there.

 

I get frustrated in swinging sometimes too. Different reasons, but sometimes it happens. For me, it's when my expectations get too high and I think all sorts of things are going to happen on an evening and nothing does. I recognize it now, and realize I'm just being silly. Your situation is different of course, but this is the first time you've run into this; over time, your reaction may seem silly to you too. I don't know.

 

I had been having a nightmare of a time the past 2 year connecting with any women at all. They all seem interested in Mrs. Truelove just fine, but not me so much. And then when we do find someone that I connect with, well, jealousy happened.

 

That isn't your fault or her fault. Don't affix blame here. I can understand being frustrated; I would be too! But, there's no blame to assign here.

 

 

It left me very upset and frustrated. I didn't take any of this out on Mrs. Truelove,

 

Good because you'd be a cad if you did! Your emotions of frustration are every bit as valid as her emotions of jealous. Both deserve respect.

 

Because even though Mrs. Truelove was putting me in this situation, I really did want to understand why, and help her through it. And I did want to learn what I could have done differently as well. I did not want to be angry at her.

 

Back up. You BOTH put yourself in this situation, and it isn't HER that needs help through it, but the BOTH of you need help through it. It's a 'we' thing. Don't think of it separately, as that is a recipe for division. Together. Together. Together.

 

I'm still somewhat frustrated now. It was a lot of looking and when I found what I thought was the perfect match, I guess they were too perfect.

 

No, they're not 'too perfect'. I don't think you should drop contact with them. They're not toxic to either of you. I think you should work on this together, taking a breather for the moment, and figure things out together before moving forward again.

 

And now I ask myself if I am even interested in continuing in the lifestyle. Because I honestly don't want to even try to be with anyone that I don't connect with. And if I do connect I worry about jealousy.

 

I don't think you connecting with someone isn't the source of the jealousy. That's a guess, but I'll lay odds I'm right.

 

But for now we are agreeing on a break from everything and seeing where it goes.

 

That's a good idea.

[SuperJast 83]

Mr.Truelove, You seem to be a really great husband.

 

Mrs.Truelove, there is nothing wrong with experiencing jealousy. We ALL do. You obviously had the best of intentions, regardless if the outcome was ideal. I would hope from this point, you only see yourself as the catalyst for the GROWTH in your relationship.

 

While this is predominantly a swingers board, I think you would benefit from a lot of what the polyamorous community has to say about Jealousy. I am including some links, that should be very thought provoking for you.

 

Jealousy and the Abyss

 

Polyamory: Dealing with Jealousy

 

Polyamory: How to Be a Secure Person

 

While Swingers like to separate themselves from the Poly lifestyle, we can all learn from each other. The poly sites tend to have some very good reading about Jealousy, and how to understand, and work with it.

 

And at the end of the day, a Mya Angelo quote is always good to remember; " You did the best you knew how to do, and when you knew better, you did better."

 

You two will only grow from this, is you keep the doors open, and communicate. Jealousy derives itself from fear. Don`t let fear own you.

 

Best to both of you, you seem like a very smart, happy couple

[Mr. Truelove 81]

bbarnsworth. If I sound like I am placing blame, it's because I'm venting a little frustration. I've actually been trying to rationally think about why she was having these jealous thoughts, and trying to figure out why they were there.

 

Mainly it seems to be two things. She is insecure of her self image. I'm working with her to build that up, because she really is a smart, funny, caring, nice, great looking person. She really did specifically use the words that she felt that the playmate was a better match for me than Mrs. Truelove is.

 

And then it was the late night chatting. Which only fed into the thought that I preferred to spend time with the playmate rather than her.

 

The other points all just seemed to magnify those.

 

I've tried to tell her how much I love her, and how she is all those things I mentioned above, but she was raised in an environment that didn't do much to build her self esteem.

 

I really like the links that superjast posted. They deal specifically with the insecurity issues and how to get over them.

 

Thank you all for your replies, they are all very helpful.

[DigginIt 1,132]

And then it was the late night chatting. Which only fed into the thought that I preferred to spend time with the playmate rather than her.

 

If this would have been us with them living so far away and staying for the weekend with no idea of when they will be back; I would have been invading their space the entire weekend. I think it's only natural that you would want to get as much fun time in as you can with a new couple.

 

Having said that; Mrs. Diggs and I are planning on playing with a new couple this weekend that we are very excited about. It's so easy to get caught up in talking about how exciting it's going to be that it can seem like it's the only thing we are talking about.

 

If our attraction to both of them had been more one sided by either of us, this situation could have easy taken a spin like yours did because it's all we have been talking about. All of the "can't wait" talk.

 

How does the saying go "hind site is 20/20"

 

This has been a great lesson to me to always reassure my wife and not to assume she knows how I feel. This was a great post.

[realcplub2 513]

I have truly realized what I did was wrong and I should have spoken up earlier. For that I am really upset with myself. I really think the other couple is great, and there wasn't anything wrong with what they did or didn't do.

 

I just don't know how to overcome this.

 

Mrs. Truelove

 

First off, Stop beating yourself up. It wont help in any way, so stop.

 

After reading the replies that have come in since you wrote this, you and Mr Truelove need a new sheet of paper and start from scratch on it.. His comment that the women of the past 2 years are very into Mrs truelove but him not so much, is a very big thing to talk out..

 

Mr truelove, can you say that when you began talking with this new couple you did the same as you have down in the past or did you change something? Like the mental attitude or mindset when they wrote or vise versa? Sometime we are our own worst enemies, and can be suave as hell on the keys, but stumble big time in real life.. I am sure we can all relate to that one..

 

Let me ask both one question, were the prior meetings in a shorter time frame? meaning instead of having two months of chatting and writing.. talking on the phone.. were they write chat talk and meet in what seems like no time at all?

 

Taking the time may have been what was the difference in how things happend and was also the major cause of the greenie to kick the door and come in.. Mr true, you were talking to them, and i suspect that Mrs true felt left out on more than one occasion.. I even imagine the thought went thru her head.. Well, fine, just go talk to THEM.. or something along those lines.. went thru her mind..

 

As far as where this goes.. Mrs, you are the only one that can answer, can you put those feelings away, and start over? If not, its best to say, Nope honestly, and start a new search with both of you as active participants

 

Best of luck..

[The Fuse 1,012]

First of all, I just want to say the Trueloves seem like a strong couple who really care for each other and who each put the other first. Best of luck while you work through this, which you surely will, and come out even stronger on the other side. And I'm sure Jane and John are great people.

 

Mr. Truelove's original post asked for similar stories and thoughts, so here are mine. I hope it helps.

 

I have had feelings before that could arguably be called jealousy. I've spent a little time trying to figure out what the important things were that caused those feelings. I've come up with two things.

 

A little background: Mr. Fuse and I had a poly relationship a few years ago. The relationship imploded into a teeny but intense world of hurt for me and Mr. Fuse. One time after everything had ended but the emotional phone calls, I came downstairs to find Mr. Fuse on the phone with the other lady. Nothing unusual about that. However, I wasn't feeling well at the time and was feeling a strong need for some TLC. I didn't want to interrupt him, since he was obviously absorbed in conversation, and upset by it. On the other hand, he knew I wasn't feeling well but proceded by all outward signs to ignore me instead of giving me at least a glance to see if there was anything important going on. This went on for what seemed to me like a long time. Even after he got off the phone, he just sat there glowering and all self-absorbed. I got pretty annoyed and let him know I was feeling ignored, and further, like when he was talking to her or thinking about her, that it felt like he couldn't have cared less that I was there. That was the key thing. I think I should be more important than another lady, in all but a very few situations, and I wished he would have been more aware.

 

A few similar things have happened. He gets tunnel vision and loses track of his connection with me enough to neglect my needs. That makes me angry in little flashes of temper. When it's in favor of another woman, I suppose you could call it jealousy.

 

The other time was during and after a one-time full swap session with a sweet couple we met. Mr. Fuse and the lady had such an amazing connection that it threw me a little bit. I think this situation had some things in common with what happened between Mr. Truelove and Jane. I had always been bummed that Mr. Fuse seemed to have problems making connections, but it's just not a natural talent for him. Well, this one just came on like a wave. I was happy for him, but at the same time I was just a little wary. Similar thoughts went through my mind to the ones Mr. Truelove wrote that Mrs. Truelove had. Perhaps this woman is just organically a better match for my husband than I am. Perhaps she would have made him happier. Perhaps if we keep seeing them, he will quietly think the same thing. And that would be hard to take. A part of my identity, and what is dear to me, was being put into doubt. I never thought he would leave me for her or anything like that... just that there would be that little bit of regret. And of course she is very very beautiful and has some attributes I don't have that he really enjoys on other women.

 

This couple ended up deciding swinging was not for them, so continuing to see them was never a question. Unfortunately, the way Mr. Fuse took that news just reinforced my insecurities. He was much more depressed over it than one would normally be about a couple we'd only had two dates and one full swap with. His attachment to her just seemed so strong... I was taken aback and a little afraid. In my head I knew there was no real threat, since they are happily married and so are we. But... the bond they could have formed is sort of one of those "what-ifs", those unknown threats.

 

Mr. Truelove, for what it's worth, that's what I have to share. You seem like you perhaps lost track of Mrs. Truelove while you were on a cloud. Perhaps you could have been more aware. Perhaps she could have spoken up sooner. Sounds to me like you'll both learn from this. You each have the other's interests at heart probably more than your own. That's a testament to your life together and very much fits with your names on this Board. Best to you.

[Mr. Truelove 81]

A little background: Mr. Fuse and I had a poly relationship a few years ago. The relationship imploded into a teeny but intense world of hurt for me and Mr. Fuse. One time after everything had ended but the emotional phone calls, I came downstairs to find Mr. Fuse on the phone with the other lady. Nothing unusual about that. However, I wasn't feeling well at the time and was feeling a strong need for some TLC. I didn't want to interrupt him, since he was obviously absorbed in conversation, and upset by it. On the other hand, he knew I wasn't feeling well but proceded by all outward signs to ignore me instead of giving me at least a glance to see if there was anything important going on. This went on for what seemed to me like a long time. Even after he got off the phone, he just sat there glowering and all self-absorbed. I got pretty annoyed and let him know I was feeling ignored, and further, like when he was talking to her or thinking about her, that it felt like he couldn't have cared less that I was there. That was the key thing. I think I should be more important than another lady, in all but a very few situations, and I wished he would have been more aware.

 

Right there is exactly what was happening before we even met. But it happened a dozen times. I was so self absorbed that I didn't see it. Of course from my point of view I didn't understand (at the time). How she could be jealous over phone calls or chatting. After all we were communicating after wards about the chats or she was even reading them. Well, I realize now, it was never about what was said to Jane, it was never how I felt about Jane. It was how Mrs. Truelove felt being cut out of my time. And what she was trying to tell me but felt she couldn't.

 

We certainly are working on our communication at this point.

 

Thank you for the very thoughtful and considerate post fuse.

[JustAskJulie 2,595]

I think you've pretty well discussed this and probably figured out just about everything anyone here could think of regarding the situation. There was just one little thing that stood out to me.

 

You said that she got off orally, which never happens. Could she be feeling some guilt on her end for this which helped amplify the situation?

[Mr. Truelove 81]

I think you've pretty well discussed this and probably figured out just about everything anyone here could think of regarding the situation. There was just one little thing that stood out to me.

 

You said that she got off orally, which never happens. Could she be feeling some guilt on her end for this which helped amplify the situation?

 

To clarify though, I just meant the multi-orgasmic part of the oral sex. In fact, she has only been multi-orgasmic less than 5 times I believe. So for her to do that was a big deal I thought.

 

You are actually the third person that has brought that to our attention. And while it's hard to think something noticed by so many people isn't there, it just doesn't seem to be. Mrs. Truelove states that she didn't feel any guilt at all. If anything I think she wanted even more attention from me and the other female.

[WonderWhat 166]

Mt. Truelove, I can only add that I think there is no blame to be had here.

 

Everybody involved tried to handle things as best they could. If there were problems, chalk them up to inexperience.

 

We've had our episodes of jealousy, and they have usually been cleared up by communication first, backing off for a while second, and third, closing by talking about what we learned and what we would do again and what we wouldn't do. If it is something we wanted to do again, we try it in baby steps.

 

I think that the only big miscalculation was making it a long weekend affair. In these situations, it's difficult to take that time out and digest together what's happened. If things are being held back until the end, the longer time makes things fester and accumulate.

 

I think that you're doing well, you're both talking things over and you're learning. Most of all, you've both got a great attitude regarding learning from the experience.

 

Just keep in mind that, for an event that lasted for more than one evening, and which had many different emotionally charged issues, you're going to be coming back to it for some time and discovering new aspects of yourselves, your relationship, your likes and dislikes. This is a good thing; I'm just pointing out that you can't expect to talk it over once and close the case, and that there will be things that you won't be aware of until more time passes.

[snapps 78]

Thanks for posting this! Was a very good read, and furthermore its a learning lesson. Im glad you all were able to work things out, once again showing how much Communication & Trust in a relationship can overcome anything!! Good luck!

[Mr. Truelove 81]

Well, still trying to work things out. But yeah, heading in the right direction.