When people found out.....the reaction!

[ebsfgncu 44]

So having been in this lifestyle for about 11 years, we've had lots of reactions to people finding out that we are swingers. Some good and some bad.

 

I (Dawn) am not always selective about who I tell and that has led to some drama. Jason on the other hand is a little more reserved. Which you would assume would be the other way around as guys like to brag about conquests and such. Guess I'm just one of the guys in that department.

 

I honestly use to get off on the shock value but as the years have gone by, its not such a shock any more. I don't know if my personality has changed to relfect my sexual self confidence or if its my over all demeanor.

 

The good reactions are people who smile, say 'that's cool' and then ask questions as if they are generally interested. No judgements! Those are the types you can tell most anything too. Love those kinds of friends.

 

The so-so reactions are those that smile, say 'yea I couldn't do that' and never approach the subject again. You know that the topic while not off limits, isn't a comfortable subject for them.

 

And then you have the bad reaction! Such as family members who find out, judge you as some perverted corrupted person and never speak to you again. Yep, we have family members like that. We have learned to say 'well fuck you then, who needs you'. Accept us or don't, our lives will continue regardless.

 

My question to you all is, what reactions have you had? From vanilla friends to co-workers to family.

 

Dawn

[cocpl2007 170]

We wonder about the curiosity toward other people’s sexuality. Do heterosexual monogamous couples discuss sex with others? It seems that the same-sex preference folks have to make a big deal about “outing” yet the heterosexual types, after their teenage “first experience” tales do not seem to dwell on sexuality in their relationships, be it with their friends or family. So what is it with swinging and/or swingers? What business is it to anyone else in the family, or amongst vanilla friends? Among our heterosexual friends, and our gay friends… we don’t know, and frankly could care less if they are into any classically defined “deviant” sexual behavior. Why is the fact that we enjoy swinging of any interest to anyone else outside of the lifestyle?

 

And we've been through the family finding out, and judging us, because of our lifestyle preference. Ugly!

[DigginIt 1,132]

I sincerely hope my family never learns about our swinging. I could care less about my friends finding out. Most of them would think it was cool except in front of their wives maybe, lol.

 

This is from a previous post of mine so if it sounds familiar then it's because you heard me say this before:

 

We refer to this as our secret life. It’s hidden from our vanilla friends, our family and most importantly our children. We are not ashamed in any way of the things we are doing but rather we are afraid of society’s judgmental attitudes towards things outside of their perception of morality. I believe, and this is my personal belief, that the majority of society lacks the maturity to have a committed relationship capable of unselfishly allowing others to have physical encounters with their spouses. If you can separate the emotional from the physical then it opens up the ability for you to get a lot more enjoyment from others.

 

Until society becomes less judgmental I hope it stays quiet for as long as possible.

[bbarnsworth 2,637]

We don't share that we are swingers with anyone not in the lifestyle already. We only have one friend from before we got into swinging who knows, and he was beginning to get into swinging with his long term girlfriend, and was telling us about it. We knew a lot more than he did about the lifestyle at that point, and felt it incumbent on us as good friends to help educate him and his girlfriend as best we could.

 

He was _floored_, totally surprised. He had no idea or even suspected that we were swingers. He was happy about it, and our friendship has continued on just as before.

 

Nobody else has a need to know. We keep our swinging left separate from everything else. We don't host at our house in part for this reason. As DigginIt said, when society accepts swinging as a normal relationship mode, then we'll reconsider telling people. But for the foreseeable future, that's not going to happen.

[padoc 1,703]

We have had mixed results discussing swinging with friends. One of our stories on the board (a friend in need) is true and involved a good friend of Mrs Doc and worked out well. A couple who we've known for 30 years are nudists but are appalled that we do more than play volleyball naked. The jury is still out on a vanilla couple who were at an event that included both lifestyle and non lifestyle couples. By the end of the evening, it was clear to them that we swingers. Perhaps there will be another story to follow.

 

Regardless, we have found that some people just can't get past the social taboo attached to swinging. We'll be too old and too ugly to benefit by the time the stigma is removed. Thats too bad, so many couples, so little time!!

[SecretAsianMan 348]

It's probably not commonly known amongst my "mundane"-friends that I'm in the lifestyle (or they've been told it's something which I've tried - but they don't assume it's something I'm actively participating in). The one's which do know are those which are more open-minded to the idea (or it's something they've done themselves)

 

I *still* get raised eyebrows & small looks of shock when they discover that it's something *I* do (or have done) ... most of my friends think I'm much shyer and more sexually conservative than I truly am.

[lookingfornow 116]

When we disclosed our activities to a couple we'd known and been close to for over 12 years.... Says the wife (without missing a beat), "Oh yeah, Bob (the husband) and his first wife did that for several years." (Bob smiling).

[Trace Ekies 186]

I have one friend who knows and Mrs. Ekies who has one sister and a couple of friends that she or we have told. Her sister was pleased and asked lots of questions, the friends were a mixed bag from "I couldn't" to "that's the coolest thing I've ever heard...I didn't think you had it in you".

 

A close friend of ours in SoCal said, and I quote, "You're one of those people?" My response was, "What, a leper?"

 

She got over it in time and came to understand that it's just sex for us and that she was in no danger.

 

Overall the response has been positive and the questions have come from a genuine curiosity.

 

Trace

[JustAskJulie 2,595]

I think one thing that's important to consider when you choose to tell (or not tell) others about YOUR lifestyle choice is the thought about your friends and what assumptions will be made about them. While one person may be ok being totally out and not caring, another may not want that information known. And if everyone knows that YOU are a swinger then it's likely that many will assume that many (or all) of your friends are also swingers.

 

I've seen every extreme (I hope) of people when it comes to discretion and telling on themselves and others. I've seen single ladies sitting in a bar telling everyone around them that they are swingers "and so are my friends over there!". I've seen couples in the mall with their children telling the cashier about their escapades... and then there are those who wouldn't even admit to themselves that they are swingers.

[ebsfgncu 44]

Oh please don't get my post wrong, we don't run around telling everyone we meet. We just don't feel the need to be shy about our lifestyle choice if it comes up in conversation. We don't just say, 'hi my name is Dawn, I'm a swinger'. I was talking more about people you know and trust.

 

Because lets be honest, most people I've met in this lifestyle do act more open and flirty than those that are not. You can usually tell from a persons personality if they are non-judgemental types and may be open to discussions.

 

Each his or her own I guess.

[bbarnsworth 2,637]

A close friend of ours in SoCal said, and I quote, "You're one of those people?" My response was, "What, a leper?"

 

She got over it in time and came to understand that it's just sex for us and that she was in no danger.

 

"If you hang around me too much, you're going to start having uncontrollable urges to have sex with random people. Fair warning!"

 

Maybe swingers should come pre-packaged with warning tags? (like our avatar? )

[realcplub2 513]

GAWD!

 

Dawn my first reaction to your last post was to picture a church cellar somewhere with people smoking and sipping coffee

 

Hi my name is Bob and Im a swinger

 

Now, to react to the WHOLE thread.. I tend to agree with Julie, but would add one thing..

How out you are should be your CHOICE, not someone elses..

 

Personally, I tend to know how my family would react, my Uncle and his wife were in the lifestyle over 40 years ago, and continued as far as I know until a few years ago when she got sick, with cancer. What they were into, did, who they were with.. DO NOT WANNA KNOW!!

 

It was the dirty family secret, that snickers and jokes were made about.. But you know what, they were married and stayed together for 40 plus years, and only passing away seperated them.. as opposed to those that passed the judgement, and made jokes.. Bad Marriages and screwing around..

 

All that having been said, No, We wouldnt want to be outted, or tell them.. but, then, that only because I could care less what small minds think, but would fear what stories they make up to occupy thier time. The other thing that makes us want to protect our privacy.. Mrs real has a job in the retail industry, and is on the sales floor constantly.. No need to have someone walk up and comment on ANYTHING

 

to each thier own, there are no rules for this wonderful activity beyond No means No..

[vanillaknot 99]

what reactions have you had? From vanilla friends to co-workers to family.

 

Two stories. First:

 

There was for many years an annual New Year's get-together of old friends dating back to high school, plus spouses/kids/friends that were picked up along the way. At peak, 30 or so people would occupy a couple timeshare condos for 5 days after Christmas in various parts of the country. These are mostly fairly conservative folk, and I've never (knowingly) let most of them know our predilections.

 

The day before 1999 started, several of us were sitting around a condo living room, perusing the timeshare catalogs for where we should go for the big end-of-century event. A couple people were advocating beach-based resorts, and a particular one was pointed out. One woman that I'd known almost 2 decades by then looked at the listing and said, "Oh, that one has a nude beach, and I just don't think we should associate with That Kind Of People."

 

We stopped going to the New Year's get-togethers after that, due to both that particular comment and a couple others made within a day or so of that. No one actually called out anything they might have known about my and MrsVK's lives, but made it clear that our lives didn't intersect well with theirs.

 

So when the pre-announcement about end-of-century planning was sent around the next October, and we didn't respond, the organizer (literally my oldest friend -- we've known each other since we were 4) wrote me privately to ask what was up. All I could do at that point was to say that it had become clear last time that we are all very different people than we were 20 years before, and I no longer felt very welcome.

 

Second:

 

A couple years later, my ex (divorced 10+ yrs) let her life fall down the crapper and we developed a custody issue because she literally wasn't caring for the kids. I finally felt the need to file a petition for outright change of custody. During the process leading up to the hearing, a guardian ad litem was assigned who had to interview everyone involved and render a recommendation. My brother contacted him, sent him a letter, in which he basically laid out every nasty (to him) thing that he'd ever known about me, including the preference to go nude, BDSM, the works. The guardian was legally obligated to share this with us, and with the court, but he told me that Ohio courts had worked for 25 years to avoid letting such personal crud be taken into account, and he was shocked that my own brother was trying to deprive me of my own kids. In court, when the guardian introduced it with me on the stand, he offered it in a way which overtly baited me into being able to dismiss it as irrelevant. He had let me know it was coming, and how he would present it. He was just fulfilling his legal duty. I just asked the judge if her kids knew anything about her sex life ("why, no...") and then said that my kids don't know squat about mine, either. We won -- what we had technically asked for was a mere inversion of "residential/non-residential" status, but the judge actually terminated the existing "shared parenting plan" outright and granted me sole, full custody.

 

Brother and I haven't got a whole lot of relationship left.

 

I tell people as I see fit and don't worry about it much. There is occasional fallout. But those who matter don't mind and those who mind don't matter. That includes family.

[The Fuse 1,012]

I once told a friend who I've had a pretty close relationship with for ten years. I got the silent pause, and then he just went on talking about other things. Since then it seems like when we talk he doesn't quite know what to say to me. I learned a lesson from that. I had thought he would be excited, intrigued and the rest... but instead I got this stilted silence.

[Meetussoon 68]

None of my friends or family know. Marie's two best friends know. One was shocked, asked some questions about disease etc. and then is fine, we still babysit their kids and vice versa, share holidays and family events. Marie's other best friend thinks its cool as hell, will want to go out with us/her when she visits, but I won't ever get to cross that bridge..........which is too bad, she is cool as hell and a hot party girl.

 

Tom

[cocpl2007 170]

So having been in this lifestyle for about 11 years, we've had lots of reactions to people finding out that we are swingers. Some good and some bad.

 

I (Dawn) am not always selective about who I tell and that has led to some drama. Jason on the other hand is a little more reserved. Which you would assume would be the other way around as guys like to brag about conquests and such. Guess I'm just one of the guys in that department.

 

I honestly use to get off on the shock value but as the years have gone by, its not such a shock any more. I don't know if my personality has changed to relfect my sexual self confidence or if its my over all demeanor.

 

The good reactions are people who smile, say 'that's cool' and then ask questions as if they are generally interested. No judgements! Those are the types you can tell most anything too. Love those kinds of friends.

 

The so-so reactions are those that smile, say 'yea I couldn't do that' and never approach the subject again. You know that the topic while not off limits, isn't a comfortable subject for them.

 

And then you have the bad reaction! Such as family members who find out, judge you as some perverted corrupted person and never speak to you again. Yep, we have family members like that. We have learned to say 'well fuck you then, who needs you'. Accept us or don't, our lives will continue regardless.

 

My question to you all is, what reactions have you had? From vanilla friends to co-workers to family.

 

Dawn

 

Dawn, we do not want to divert this excellent subject, but we are interested in learning from others who have been "found out" via photos they have posted on the swinger sites (AFF/SLS etc)? Our experience there, precludes us from posting any photos. We have a portfolio of photos, off those sites, which we'll provide access to, when asked. However posting our photos on those sites caused too much trouble.

 

The Co's

[ebsfgncu 44]

Dawn, we do not want to divert this excellent subject, but we are interested in learning from others who have been "found out" via photos they have posted on the swinger sites (AFF/Swing Lifestyle etc)? Our experience there, precludes us from posting any photos. We have a portfolio of photos, off those sites, which we'll provide access to, when asked. However posting our photos on those sites caused too much trouble.

 

The Co's

 

 

We have been 'found out' by those who know us and founds us on SLS or MySpace. Most to be honest were not shocked or surprised. Jason and I have such a laid back, free spirit personality people treated it like 'well that fits you two'. So chances are if they found you on a site, they are out there for the same reason. But that being said, when discretion for job and family are needed, then removing photos is a good idea.

[DigginIt 1,132]

So chances are if they found you on a site, they are out there for the same reason.

 

I have to be honest and say that I've searched all of the zip-codes where our close vanilla friends live just out of idle curiosity. Not sure if anyone else has done this but it's always fun to look.

[bbarnsworth 2,637]

I have to be honest and say that I've searched all of the zip-codes where our close vanilla friends live just out of idle curiosity. Not sure if anyone else has done this but it's always fun to look.

 

This is precisely why we don't put face pics on the net, or any other pics that readily identify us.

 

I ran across a local couple last year on SLS. They were standing in front of (what I presume was) their car. Beautiful restored 1930 something or other (I'm not an antique car aficiando).

 

My wife and I had seen exactly this car the year before at a convenience store. They'd just gotten the car out after the restoration, and the battery had died. They needed a jump to get it started so they could get it back to the shop. We happily obliged. Very nice couple! We really enjoyed the short interaction we had with them.

 

Keep in mind there's just not too many of these cars around period, much less beautifully restored, much less in this area in particular.

 

So, the car was a blazing identifier of "Hey! It's us! Mr. and Mrs. John Doe!"...yet their faces were blurred out

 

We contacted them, and the picture vanished. They never contacted us back

 

So anyway, we make sure any pictures we share don't have anything identifying in them.

[Sir Dude 15]

A close friend of mine at work knows. We work in different departments but we hang out a lot outside of work. I slowly let him know what we have done after he share something with me.

 

Basically he said he would love to have a threesome with his wife and another man. I agreed that it could be fun for everyone and eventually told him everything.

 

 

I find this funny. My wife has a friend who has never been faithfull to her husband. However, one time I mentioned a threesome and she acted discusted. "You would have to be a slut to do that. It is so discusting." - Yet, cheating on your husband with strangers is not discusting?

 

At least I am there when my wife is enjoying another man.

[nllswing 81]

As we are still a couple of theoreticians with no field experience, my sweeter half decided to ask a vanilla friend to render an opinion about a hypothetical situaion. She called said friend of hers who is a psychologist and made up the story. Instead of describing us and our consideration of swinging and an open relationship, she said something like this: "a patient came today, she is married and has 3 kids (we have no kids yet). Her husband has recently started to discuss with her the possibility of open marriage." The friend immediately opined that the "husband" is a pervert and probably a sex addict who needs treatment. My sweeter half said "thank you" and, needless to say, had to look for sources of wisdom elsewhere.

[ebsfgncu 44]

Wow how quickly people jump to the 'pervert' or 'sex addict'. Those are exactly the judgemental types I want no business being around. Of course it can be hard when those judgemental types are family members or co-workers. Kind of makes you snicker and say to yourself, 'if they only knew'...

[DigginIt 1,132]

friend who has never been faithfull to her husband. However, one time I mentioned a threesome and she acted discusted. "You would have to be a slut to do that. It is so discusting." - Yet, cheating on your husband with strangers is not discusting?

 

At least I am there when my wife is enjoying another man.

 

People who are doing things they know in their heart is wrong need others that they can point to (in their own mind) and say, "see, I'm not as bad as that" to make themselves feel better.

 

The friend immediately opined that the "husband" is a pervert and probably a sex addict who needs treatment. My sweeter half said "thank you" and, needless to say, had to look for sources of wisdom elsewhere.

 

Condemnation is the first response to things people don't or can't understand. along with a need to put them into a category that labels them with a name that makes them feel comfortable about what they are doing. In this case, she used "pervert" and "sex addict" coupled with a need to "make them better" or "fix them."

 

For those that understand swinging, no explanation is necessary; for those that don't, no explanation is possible.

[lovinher 505]

We have never told anybody but we haven't had to. Three couples we are very close to have asked us if we were swingers-each more than once and were very cool about it. These couples know each other but don't socialize unless we invite them to our house for whatever reason. So it has to be more than coincidence but it hasn't hurt the friendships at all. In fact, I think one couple is working on us! Unless they make the first move we'll keep them guessing and I love messing with them. So either the word is already out or we somehow project it.

 

We are at a comfortable point in our lives where if it were known by friends and family I could care less. They have known us all these years and if their opinion of us changes because of our lifestyle choices then so be it. That said I would prefer it be keep under wraps because of the kids in our families and we both have our own businesses. I doubt customers would be very understanding.