How to transition from chit chat to foreplay/sex

[HappyMdCpl 52]

I could have titled this "How to get our guests Naked?" haha, but wanted to be a bit less crude...

 

We are somewhat new but have had 2 full swap exps and 2 softer exps. Mrs. Happy (me) is shy at first, and i feel i end up drinking to relax myself enough to be totally uninhibited,...which gets me into a little bit of trouble. Were meeting w/ a new couple, and also a repeat couple, all in the next 2 weeks.. i want to be prepared!

 

Its not the same as foreplay w/ your SO. You can plan it or have it happen spontaneously... but generally, it just happens in bed or when cuddling etc, but with strangers, or even repeat folks, it seems a bit awkward... lol.

 

The first time, (pretty hardcore soft swap exp) we went out to drinks, and talked for what seemed like eternity. Finally, i suggested the hot tub, and the girl got all excited. She then came over and asked if she could kiss me, then we got super hot and steamy in the tub. But, again, lots of alcohol involved to get to that point. Would have loved to tell her to shut up (mean i know, but she was a chatter box) so we could get to the real juicy stuff, lol.. but wasnt sure how.

 

 

The next couple we swapped with have been doing it for a few years. We did what we always do - out for drinks and a bite, chit chat laugh flirt.. get invited back to their place nearby, more drinks... then- awkwardness! lol. I sense they are interested, they know we are (why else would we come back to their house, or them to ours, hehe) and someone needs to make the move to "dive in". I think i (the cute drunk girl, oi) started showing everyone my sexy lingerie bra/panties, and then the other girl said "i just want everyone to take their clothes off hehe..." she was so cute too (and drunk). So, we ended up going upstairs, her and I making out, on the bed, guys watching, and then we invited them to join in...and things got all steamy from there.

 

Another time, we met a cpl for drinks, and the girl got next to me at the bar, telling me she wanted to "do me so bad" (dirty talk is such a turn on for me), and we made out in the bathroom.. very hot, but we didn't end up doing much more (long irrelevant story), but she was the aggressive one, and i was the passive one (which is generally the case...).

 

Re: the repeat couple, we all got really wasted last time, and ended up full swapping it kind of messy, but very hot none the less. However, I would actually like to remember my hot as hell swinging nights.. lol.. so, i feel being better prepared and having some plans in place to break the ice better (considering they are new too) will be helpful (and less messy maybe..). How do you all do it?

 

It seems, since i am VERY bi, either her or I need to be the one to break the ice once we get into that private location. But, being i am pretty shy/passive/new i need to figure this out.

 

Any tips for ways to do this better? Hubby doesn't want to be the one to initiate, since he hates to be that "over eager man". (in fact, he is so paranoid of being a creep that most cpls have to ask me if in fact hubby is even interested, lol). But, I really hate the awkward drawn out conversations and extra drinks that we consume when we all know we want to be naked and having HOT fun.

 

And, specifically the repeat couple- we have exchanged extensive emails discussing desires and fantasies.... how does one suggest we make sure these fantasies are actually played out? Does one person need to be the controlling/police person of the night? LOL. or do we just go into it all knowing what we want out of it...

 

I have some anxiety about this.. so maybe there is a better way ie: games, (truth or dare) or suggestions we can make during the dinner/drinks part. Or, perhaps the other gal and I need to come up w/ a plan together, since we are becoming friends w/ this cpl in particular..

 

Thanks all!!

[SW_PA_Couple 4,026]

.... how does one suggest we make sure these fantasies are actually played out?

No sure method for that. Do not expect instant results. Socialize. Get to know your prospective partners. Both you and they will know when the time is right.

 

This you are doing right -- actually meeting people rather than simply exchanging provocative e-mail.

 

I will be frank. I read the words "drinks" and "alcohol" quite a few times in your story. What's with this? How, really, can you tell if someone is likable when you are viewing the person through a haze of alcohol? How can they tell if they like you when you when they see you only in your altered state?

 

~Michael

[Newpants 21]

.

 

Finally, i suggested the hot tub, and the girl got all excited. She then came over and asked if she could kiss me, then we got super hot and steamy in the tub.

 

 

 

I think i (the cute drunk girl, oi) started showing everyone my sexy lingerie bra/panties, and then the other girl said "i just want everyone to take their clothes off hehe..." she was so cute too (and drunk).

 

 

and the girl got next to me at the bar, telling me she wanted to "do me so bad" (dirty talk is such a turn on for me), and we made out in the bathroom..

 

 

 

 

 

 

It seems, since i am VERY bi, either her or I need to be the one to break the ice once we get into that private location.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

so maybe there is a better way ie: games, (truth or dare) or suggestions we can make during the dinner/drinks part. Or, perhaps the other gal and I need to come up w/ a plan together, since we are becoming friends w/ this cpl in particular..

 

 

 

 

The answers are in your own story. The nights you described were the "success stories" and I cleared away the clutter and revealed your own defining moments that made it happen.

 

There often is no secret key or mystery password to come up with. Swingers meet with swingers because they want to swing. Some just has to sexualize the situation and take it from the social realm to the sexual.

 

Your ideas about games can help at times and they can also hurt depending on the people. some people are not into games and some are. For some folks a sexy game is a perfect and welcome ice breaker but others just don't get it and a more direct approach is best.

[Newpants 21]

 

 

 

 

Any tips for ways to do this better? Hubby doesn't want to be the one to initiate, since he hates to be that "over eager man". (in fact, he is so paranoid of being a creep that most cpls have to ask me if in fact hubby is even interested, lol). But, I really hate the awkward drawn out conversations and extra drinks that we consume when we all know we want to be naked and having HOT fun.

 

 

The fear of being the "over eager man" or the "aggressive male" has turned a lot of men in the lifestyle into a bunch of inert, asexual, anti-social hand-wringers.

 

In the good ol' days men were assumed and expected to be the ones to initiate contact between the genders and it was even taught in schools how to ask a girl for a date or ask her to dance, for kiss, how to propose marriage etc (remember those campy old black and white films in school from the 50s?)

 

Now men are so afraid of being thought of as "aggressive" or "disrespectfull" that they go to swingers functions and sit on their hands waiting for women to come up and proposition them. Problem is that just isn't how women are wired and nature never intended weak, timid, spineless males of any species to reproduce so the practice of men sitting quietly in the corner waiting for the women to come up and ask them for sex is a completely unnatural and unrealistic scenario.

 

Approaching a woman, showing an interest in her and flirting with her is NOT disrespectfull. Making some kind of respectfull sexual overiture once some kind of personal rapport has been established is NOT "aggressive."

 

As him this, if a woman spends 3 hours primping and preening before going out with you two, do you really think she is going to be impressed if he just sits there inert and DOESN'T notice her or take an interest in her?????

 

"Aggressive" is coming up to a woman out of the blue and making a bunch of crude and juvenile c'mons without making any attempt to make any kind of connection with her personally or treating her like a valuable human being and then not taking "no" for an answer.

 

Since you admit to being basically passive and not one to make a first move then it is even more imperative that he man-up and learn to show an interest and be able to carry on a personal conversation and be able to do some dancing, flirting and schmoozing.

 

There are two kinds of men when it comes to sexual initiative - Assertive and celebate.

[HappyMdCpl 52]

Thanks for all the responses everyone.

 

Appreciate your input... and would like to add a few fun ways to "transition" to fun playtime from my (female half) perspective...

 

- One of the females shows off her sexy under garments, and suggests the other female do the same or put on some sexy lingerie (this has worked for me in the past, lol, as I always seem to be the first one taking off my clothes, haha, as the other F and i end up hooking up during this fun process).

 

- Massage or hand holding works well, even just massaging one anothers hands tends to lead to more intimacy.

 

- A trend for my experiences is that to help break the ice, most of the time the females (if they are bi/curious) will hook up first... kissing, etc, but in order for this to happen most of the time (esp for first timers) the guys should go off in another room, as most girls I have been with have been shy with guys present, but the second they leave, the girls pounce on each other, lol.

 

On the flip side, i will say a turn off for me has been when the other male makes the first move. But, I am very Bi, and prefer starting with the female, then transitioning w/ my own spouse, then to the other male, but that is my comfort zone which might change down the road... when i really find a male half i feel a good chemistry with..

[Just Passing By 140]

Yes, no, maybe, sometimes ,and it depends.

In a swinging situation "usually" everyone one sit around, have a drink or two if inclined, and usually Mrs JPB would start making out with the other woman ( or guy if MMF), and after a few minutes everyone joined in.

Only once ( one person, got together with them more than once) did someone delibertly get drunk before playing. This initially gave us pause, and we made a point that we didn't want to do anything she didn't want, or felt pressured.

BUT we had both talked extensively with her, she was both experienced in swinging, and interested in playing with us. We had a great time together, and got together a cpl more times.

Chalk another one up to different strokes.

[SaSsyNsWeEt 41]

HappyMdCpl: THANK YOU SO MUCH for sharing! Your first thread took the words right out of my mouth! I was beginning to think that we were the only ones facing this wall of awkwardness! You have given us a few great ideas and I plan on putting them to good use!! Kisses and best of luck to you love!

 

Newpants: I could not agree more! I would love it if the guys took a more front seat approach to play time and make some kind of a first move. It would take so much of the pressure off of the girls to get the ball rolling for the nights fun!! It could be something as simple as telling the other girl that she looks amazing tonight , or how lucky he is feeling to have had the opportunity to have met them....anything is better than sitting in a chair in the corner of the room, watching the females go at it on the bed. I personally HATE when they do that, it makes me feel like at any minute I'm going to look up and see score cards! So our rule is now that if the females are naked the men are too! And the guys can watch the girls but they have to be close enough for the girls to be able to touch them!

 

Thanks again everyone for all the great advise!

[The Fuse 1,012]

I don't usually make out with the woman, since I am much more interested in men. In my opinion if a man has to have me make out with his wife in order to somehow feel he is invited, that's a bad thing.

 

{Breathe}

 

How to transition? Sidle up to the object of your interest, take their hand or caress their arm, look at them like you desire them, and ask if it's okay to kiss them. If they are not interested, you'll know it before you ask the question. But if you're at someone's house or in a hotel room, chances are there is interest.

 

Really, you're all there because there is desire. Someone has to make that leap, reach across that gap. Sometimes you get turned down and that sucks. But it's not as bad as waiting till 2 in the morning and then everyone just giving up because they're too tired. I have never understood this question. It's not easy, but someone has to do it. Sometimes that's been me, though not as much as it used to be, thank goodness.

[HappyMdCpl 52]

Thx for the added responses...

 

I wanted to elaborate more after further thought...

 

I suppose that I would not mind the guy making the first move... if there was enough chemistry! Thus far, have not felt much chemistry for the male half, and on top of that, they tend to be "over eager"... so i have preferred to start w/ the woman, (when normally i could take or leave the male half... sounds horrible i know).. however, now, new rule is we dont play unless we feel chemistry all around to avoid that. Even better (for me), have been playing w/ single females, which is a very different dynamic as well! In that scenario, the two f's thus far have made the first move...

 

Hubby wanted to add a thought... when the females (in a 4some) are both "getting it on" it actually feels difficult for him to get things brewing with the other female half sometimes... we have that other issue to contend with as well. Its no ones fault really, everyones excited, lol, especially when 2 really bi women get together, however the guys can often feel left out! Any thoughts there?

[Playful1 434]

I don't have advice, since I have the same issue. Just wanted to say thanks for asking this question. Heck, I'm a single female and yet in a couple on female setting (just the three of us) I have no clue how to go from drinking and chatting to "lets get naked". Give me a house party/large group and I can get everyone going.

 

It's weird. It's a totally different dynamic.

 

I usually wind up doing it by hitting on the wife (im seriously bi and find it easier to hit on the female half), by light touching/heavy innuendo, lol.

[MsGoneWild 182]

What we do (my boyfriend and I), is if we're interested in playing with someone or a couple, we play a game which is really helpful. Its either been a light drinking game (neither of us have ANY desire to get plastered) but the alcohol does help the mood a little. OR what he does is start undressing me which is something i -really- like. Its like being on display and i enjoy that. We aren't playing with people who aren't interested in us so there isn't really a feel of being awkward or embarrassed (except for the naughty feeling of getting naked in front of others). We are generally pretty clear about this, that he will be undressing me at some point in the evening and it has received a good response so far.

 

I mean, there have definitely been nights all we have done is talked with the other people (couple,single/whatever) and we are FINE with that. If we need to do something steamy we go home and get intimate with each other.

 

We start out the night hoping something will happen if we're into the other people but we don't except it. The unknown adds a really hot element to the situation.

[fastnick 15]

My sweetie and are are going to St. Martin for my R&R (I work in Iraq), and we're going to be on the prowl for some adventuring. Our "making new friends" plan is to chat up an interesting couple or single(s). If the chemistry seem right - and we have a code phrase - we'll get progressively more and more touchy-feely with each other until we're almost making-out. We will then explain that we've been apart too long and we're going to have to excuse ourselves be 'cause it's time for a romp. She will then reach over and lay her hand on someone's arm and say, "Wanna watch?" We think this will cut out lots of idle chatter. . . .

[Learning 160]

Goodness! I thought this post could be written by us minus the alcohol....bah! Getting started was always horrible. Mr. Learning is so laid back that it's not even funny. I got so sick of hearing " I don't think your husband is interested" it made me sick. He was but he's not flirty at all(mr. Newpsnts your post spoke to me), We had He simply waits for me to get things rolling which I have only been able to do once in our swinging career, otherwise we wait for the other couple. My favorite story about how we mix up signals is that we met a terrific couple for lunch, the chemistry was there but we had plans afterward so we agreed to meet at a party a few weeks later. We get there and start chatting with the couple that we met for lunch, I see a friend so I excuse myself for a bit. Meanwhile, Mr. Learning continues to chat while I'm gone. I return and the conversation is almost dead, the other couple then starts mingling with others and they are kind of cold to us. I couldn't figure it out. It wasn't for many months later that I got to fill in the gaps. I found out while I was gone, the couple asked Mr. Learning if there was anyone "f*** worthy" at the party. Mr. Learning replied "no, we have a bunch of friends here". Bah! They were looking to hear that they were worthy I bet because after that their conversation died and they turned cold. If the couple would have said "let's get it on" or Mr. Learning catching onto their hint...we could have had some fun.

 

One of my favorite couples that we were with brushed my arm, then placed his hand on the small of my back. I love love love this move from a man. It's subtle but it communicates something.

 

Anyways, you've got to take out the alcohol. Why swing if you can't remember a damn thing? The other stuff you are doing sounds great though.

[SheerBliss 92]

I started a thread about this same thing not long ago because we had some awkwardness regarding how to move from the dinner table to the bedroom too. Many people suggested just saying "hey - let's get naked!"! Suggesting some massage with everyone on the same bed worked well for us. We started with our own partners, then swapped mid-stream and things progressed from there.

 

Another fun idea is to have everyone play a truth-or-dare like game, or one of the sex themed board games that are out there. I have looked and looked for a good game or set of conversation starters that all revolve around sex but couldn't find exactly what I was looking for so I am working on developing my own set. For us, talking about sex usually leads to it.

[HisLioness 15]

Maybe it's just us, but we aren't into games or drinking much.

As Lion would say to me about this situation is, "we all know why we are here, let's get it going!"

If I've got a babysitter on the clock (and really, even if I didn't...) it's time to get naked. Cut the card games and let's get to the nitty gritty!

[MN Tom 251]

If we are in a 2v2 or maybe 2v2v2 situation and we started off the night by going out to eat/drink/dance, we start it off (and judge the feelings) by mixing up the spouses pretty quickly. Seating order, dancing partners.. If that stuff is staying purely monogamous, then it's likely to be a slow night.

 

If everyone mixes it up and is enjoying themselves, when you get to the house/hotel you just keep going with that. Heck even drive in cars in the "new couple" format if so.

 

I think for us if we dont feel like mixing it up beforehand, then sex isnt an option at that time. Strong desires dont need to be restrained, and a lack of desire is a lot of work to push uphill.

[angelkin 1,326]

For us, it often depends on the venue...if at a club and we meet a couple while mingling, we hang out and if it seems everyone is getting along and interested, we may just ask if they want to see if there's a room available. Our best experience with a couple at a club in getting things going, we split up...i.e. the husband accompanied me to smoke or get a drink. My hubby and I were already in agreement that kissing and touching were not off limits, so when alone, I asked could I kiss him and I think my hubby did the same with her.

 

When we meet with singles, we typically have chatted and exchanged pictures to assess mutual attraction. If we have planned to play on first meet or not, everyone already knows that. We generally meet for a drink and make sure everyone is comfortable. Hubby and I get right to the point when we arrive at our final destination (hotel, home)...we kiss the potential partner, he the lady or me if a guy. It usually progresses rapidly from there.

 

We did have an awkward situation when we first started. We had previously met this couple for drinks with the agreement no play first meet. Next time, we were ready to take the next step...met for dinner and back to their place to play. We drank, played pool, talked, it was painfully awkward. Finally, she asked if she could kiss me...then things started rolling.