I think my GF got carried away, but we haven't talked about the event

[glassypeaks09 15]

My gf and I started going to parties about 6 months ago. We had been to two others and had a blast. We played in hotels after each. At first, we just did soft - girl/girl stuff. The second party we got more adventurous and we both basically did a soft swap with other guys going down on her and touching her etc. We both liked this, it was a big turn on. We still had our rule of no full swap sex (more hers than mine!). At the first few parties we stayed very close to each other and "looked out" for each pther really well. (She was cautiously enthusiastic but not quite as much as I was about attending these parties.) At the last after party there were about 6 couples and pretty intense play going on as you can imagine. I felt more comfortable that we were a little more free to roam around a little since we were both more experienced at this point. At the height of it, I hear my gf moaning and the sound of someone fu--king her. I can barely see just the top of her hair through all the bodies , but it is obvious she is getting it from behind and enjoying it. We had been drinking alot and I know she must have gotten carried away - I said out loud - "hey (her name) you know thats not me!" - it continued - i couldnt say how long maybe 20 seconds maybe a couple of minutes and I say two more times that "hey thats not my cock inside you" - I think it was the guy who was doing my gf's wife that was laying out in front of me, wanting me to do her I suppose (again, lots of people , hard to see what all is going on) - I was hesitant to do so, but wondering if I should go ahead and proceed since my gf surely was. Finally after I said louder a third time (keep in mind the room was fairly noisy) that she was being f'ed by someone else, it stopped. She looked mortified and got upset (she held it together until we could leave, was almost in tears) Granted in the past we were extra cautious staying close etc, and the guys were less aggressive than this guy was, or so I think, not knowing how it actually started - we only flatly stated our bounderies to the couple who invited us and felt more comfortable when theirs were the same, but i felt like... "man, why is she upset?. She is the one that broke the rules." I still wonder if she actually stopped him or if he just finally came and then she felt guilty about it. I am trying to move on and for the most part have. I think I would have felt better about it if she had just said "oh god, I got really carried away, I am so sorry" instead of "I didn't know what was happening." Anyway, it put a damper on our comfortness sharing fantasies etc (she was very reluctant to talk about being attracted to others for quite a while, if not still to a certain extent) and left a bad taste in our mouths after the other great parties we had been to. Typically, we feel super close after playing with others, this was different. We seem to be past it now and will be playing again soon, so I guess it will all end well. I am writing to get others opinions about what happened and how they may have moved on. Do you think she knew what was happening? -I know it really doesn't matter and I shouldn't wonder, but that is easier said than done. We have waited a while now and feel like we are in better place with our sexuality and trust again, so I think getting back into the "swing" of things will be fun and an important part of putting it behind us . Does this make sense? Other than stating our rules to the room beforehand, is there any other advice?

[padoc 1,703]

Sounds like you guys were "playing with fire". You had step by step moved along from watching to girl-girl to even hotter group play. What happened was only the natural progression of things, perhaps fueled by alcohol. Maybe you two should have discussed the inevitable happening as your exploration continued. You apparently didn't but it was bound to happen. Remember, its only sex, its recreational and once you take a shower, its over. Don't beat her up over this. If you're determined to remain "soft swap" don't booze her up and put her in a situation where penetration could happen. Your play time probably won't be as intense but your rules should remain intact. Otherwise, it may be time for you both to reassess your ROE.

[LikeMinds321 1,527]

 

...We seem to be past it now and will be playing again soon, so I guess it will all end well. I am writing to get others opinions about what happened and how they may have moved on. Do you think she knew what was happening? -I know it really doesn't matter and I shouldn't wonder, but that is easier said than done. We have waited a while now and feel like we are in better place with our sexuality and trust again, so I think getting back into the "swing" of things will be fun and an important part of putting it behind us . Does this make sense? Other than stating our rules to the room beforehand, is there any other advice?

The passing of time can tend to make us think a past problem is no longer an issue. I think there is still work to be done here. I don't think you should look at what happened as not mattering anymore. Something did happen and you haven't discussed it. It would have been best to talk about the unsettling incident soon after it occurred, when everything was fresh in your minds. You are still wondering about that day, I think your girlfriend is, too. Time has passed but it's not too late to discuss this. If you don't talk about what happened physically and emotionally on that night, you could have a similar situation arise again. I encourage you to sit down and talk.

 

I can't tell you if your girlfriend knew what was happening, only she can explain what she experienced that night.

 

Based on what you've said, I think you were in a swinging group of about a dozen people who were tightly involved in playing and I'm gathering that many of these swingers were full-swapping. In a cluster like that, people can assume that everyone is willing to have intercourse if they see others doing it. You have to be ready to speak up immediately if someone is attempting to do something you don't want to do. Letting the host couple know your boundaries doesn't mean the other couples know what your rules are.

 

If your aren't going to full swap I'd suggest not jumping into a big pile of people UNLESS you know them all and you've told each couple your rules. Even then, there are people who try to break rules and you have to be prepared to speak up if they do.

 

Your girlfriend may have had so much alcohol that she didn't handle the situation well. BTW, I feel you each should be responsible for how much you drink and shouldn't expect the other to control the other's drinking. Alcohol can cause people to make poor decisions they regret.

 

My advice is to talk about what happened. Do so without blame, realizing that either of you can make mistakes at any time when swinging and discussing those mistakes are the way you can avoid them in the future. With swinging, it's not just the great times that bring you closer, but also the not-so-great times, because when you stick together when the going gets tough you come out feeling closer than ever.

 

LM

[Alura 2,774]

When the wisest of the advisors on this board address a question, Like Minds is surely one on them. But I agree with Padoc, too.

 

When we get a question here that shows the poster is quite upset about a breach of rules in his (or her) relationship, the event that precipitated it almost always has too much alcohol involved. I think the mistake y'all made was to continue to play when both of you knew y'all had too much to drink. Control of alcohol is surely an issue to be resolved if the lifestyle is to be continued.

 

Frankly, your rules may have been too stringent for y'all to adhere to. I'd suggest a lengthy discussion of rules between the two of you.

 

Alura

[lovinher 505]

Sounds like you guys were "playing with fire". You had step by step moved along from watching to girl-girl to even hotter group play. What happened was only the natural progression of things, perhaps fueled by alcohol. Maybe you two should have discussed the inevitable happening as your exploration continued. You apparently didn't but it was bound to happen. Remember, its only sex, its recreational and once you take a shower, its over. Don't beat her up over this. If you're determined to remain "soft swap" don't booze her up and put her in a situation where penetration could happen. Your play time probably won't be as intense but your rules should remain intact. Otherwise, it may be time for you both to reassess your ROE.

 

Sorry, I mean no offense but I completely disagree.

 

Natural progression?. No such thing unless you want it.

Inevitable? Nothing is inevitable unless you let it happen.

Don't booze her up? I'm assuming she is an adult.

Put her in a situation? See above.

 

Listen to Likeminds.

[N8ture Girl 318]

I said out loud - "hey (her name) you know thats not me!" - it continued - i couldnt say how long maybe 20 seconds maybe a couple of minutes and I say two more times that "hey thats not my cock inside you" - I think it was the guy who was doing my gf's wife that was laying out in front of me, wanting me to do her I suppose (again, lots of people , hard to see what all is going on) - I was hesitant to do so, but wondering if I should go ahead and proceed since my gf surely was. Finally after I said louder a third time (keep in mind the room was fairly noisy) that she was being f'ed by someone else, it stopped. She looked mortified and got upset (she held it together until we could leave, was almost in tears) Granted in the past we were extra cautious staying close etc, and the guys were less aggressive than this guy was, or so I think, not knowing how it actually started - we only flatly stated our bounderies to the couple who invited us and felt more comfortable when theirs were the same, but i felt like... "man, why is she upset?. She is the one that broke the rules."

 

This part caught my attention. All other stuff aside, maybe she was upset because you humliated her in front of all those other people?????

 

Like Minds said it well. You two need to sit down and really talk about what happened, how each was feeling and so on.

[dlflorida 52]

This part caught my attention. All other stuff aside, maybe she was upset because you humliated her in front of all those other people?????

 

Like Minds said it well. You two need to sit down and really talk about what happened, how each was feeling and so on.

 

completely agree

[slevin 1,374]

This part caught my attention. All other stuff aside, maybe she was upset because you humliated her in front of all those other people?????

 

Like Minds said it well. You two need to sit down and really talk about what happened, how each was feeling and so on.

 

Absolutely. This was my first thought as well; it explains her horrified reaction as well as her claiming she didn't know what was happening. Easier to be the victim than admit fault when faced with a reaction like yours.

 

That doesn't mean that interrupting the play was wrong. I don't think I would have hollered out like that repeatedly. I likely would have stopped my play and quietly intervened. Or perhaps inquire if she knew what was going on. If I was ok with it, then it would be to confirm she was comfortable and I'd go back to my own playtime. If I wasn't ok with it, I'd quietly interrupt them and either resolve it on the spot or remove ourselves to resolve it privately. In smaller group settings I'd just stop play to let my feelings be known. That is something I've done before and which worked very well.

 

Talking about it with her is important. I'd be letting her know that I'm not angry with her, I wasn't angry with her at the time and that I just wanted us to be on the same page.

[glassypeaks09 15]

Thanks for everyone's input. I never thought that I embaressed her, but I see now how that may have been true. I was just really surprised by what she was doing. She had previously made it clear that she did not want to have sex with other guys at all (without any prompting from me whatsover). I was trying to make sure that the sex was #1)OK with her - and #2) see what I should do - kinda like "ok babe , well if your sure then here i go too".. (I am aware its not good to change ROE during play) If I had been closer to her, I guess I would have been able to tell whether she was OK without asking out loud. It seems that many of you think that she was indeed embaressed by being called out doing something on the very edges of her comfort level. i guess that is the only thing that still bugs me - if that is true, i wish she would just admit it - hell it may even be a turn on to talk about etc. So perhaps I should have assumed it was ok after I made a comment and went ahead with the guy's wife? I am fairly confident that not everyone was doing full swaps - i know at least two couples said they didnt.

 

The embaressed explanation explains her reaction and why she wanted to leave so badly. But if she was embarressed, why would she continue after I made mention once or twice? Afterward, she wanted to go RIGHT away, as soon as we got dressed. I thought that was pretty awkward, so I insisted we relax and socialize for 5-10 minutes before leaving the hotel room. She ended up being really upset with ME for that - this may support the embaressed hypothesis. What i hear folks saying that believe this to be the case is that it is not likely that she really didn't know what was going on. Makes me feel pretty dumb for calling her out like that, but i was just trying to look out for her (and to be honest, decide if i was going to "proceed" as well.) Maybe she did have no choice but to play the victim which she def did. I feel like i got the short end of the stick on this one.

 

The biggest downer here is that if that is true, it really reduced our intamacy for a while. She was alot more reserved about her sexuality for afterward. We have made alot of progress since and have discussed the incident at length. She still claims she didn't know what was happening. I really want to believe her, mainly so I would know she trusts me enough to tell me if that wasn't the case.

 

 

Thanks again for all the input.

[glassypeaks09 15]

This part caught my attention. All other stuff aside, maybe she was upset because you humliated her in front of all those other people?????

 

Like Minds said it well. You two need to sit down and really talk about what happened, how each was feeling and so on.

 

But i humiliated her??? Didn't she do that to both of us by putting us in that situation as the result of her breaking the rules?

[Swing*8701 887]

At this point she may have convinced herself she was not completely aware of what was going on. Our minds will do many things to protect us from truths we may not like. Especially those expressed while drunk. That being said, I do not believe for a moment she meant harm, you were in a sexually charged environment and sex happened. No surprise and no need for punishment, she seems to have done that already.

 

The best thing to do right now is hug her, tell her how sexy she is and if the vibe is right, say she looked amazing 'getting it on' at the party. Then, kiss her and fuck until you've both fucked this out of your system and put it in the past.

[LikeMinds321 1,527]

We still had our rule of no full swap sex (more hers than mine!)....I think it was the guy who was doing my gf's wife that was laying out in front of me, wanting me to do her I suppose (again, lots of people , hard to see what all is going on) - I was hesitant to do so, but wondering if I should go ahead and proceed since my gf surely was.

Thanks for coming back.

 

When I read this part (above) in your opening post, I felt you may have been more upset about not getting to have intercourse with your playmate than you were about your girlfriend breaking your rule. Now that I've read your recent reply with the statements I've quoted below, I feel it is the biggest issue here.

 

I was trying to make sure that the sex was #1)OK with her - and #2) see what I should do - kinda like "ok babe , well if your sure then here i go too"....

 

...So perhaps I should have assumed it was ok after I made a comment and went ahead with the guy's wife?...

 

...Makes me feel pretty dumb for calling her out like that, but i was just trying to look out for her (and to be honest, decide if i was going to "proceed" as well.) Maybe she did have no choice but to play the victim which she def did. I feel like i got the short end of the stick on this one.

If your GF would have given you the thumbs-up, I don't think you'd have been bothered by her breaking a rule, you'd have been happy to see you both taking the plunge to full swap. You would have been doing it with that guy's wife and having a great time, no doubt.

 

But it didn't happen that way.

 

Time to get over feeling you got cheated out of sex. It doesn't do you any good to harbor bad feelings.

 

Another thing that has been weighing on my mind from the start; maybe your GF was feeling overpowered, even raped by this man, in a strange surreal way that was somehow appealing sexually, yet moments later repulsive to her.

 

There are so many ways we could make guesses here, but only your GF can explain what went on in her head that night. She may be as confused as you.

 

LM

[N8ture Girl 318]

But i humiliated her??? Didn't she do that to both of us by putting us in that situation as the result of her breaking the rules?

 

As I said all other things aside... but if this is a competition on who humilated who the worst then I will put my money on her. Did she humilate you? Or was it your ego? This is not a blame game. You BOTH messed up. Where were you when she got too drunk to know what she was doing? Your supposed to have her back as she is supposed to have yours. You two need to talk about what went wrong so it doesnt happen again. Communication is so important and if your going to be sucessful at swinging you have to be able to openly talk about it all, the good and the bad.

 

Good luck!

[prometheius 137]

Doesn't matter who was to blame for what happened, doesn't matter if you felt humiliated, (remember that you are the one who spoke up (3x) and you may have been perceived by others as creating drama). It's all done and over with and now in the past. Learn from the mistakes and move forward.

 

Don't count cookies when you are swinging. Sure, she got to do full swap and you didn't. It's happened to me, it's happened to my wife too. Sometimes, that's just the way it goes in the lifestyle. One thing you will learn from the veteran swingers here is that to enjoy what you are doing here, you'll need to put your SO's feelings right up there on the pedestal next to your ego. If you can do that, you'll have made a big step towards enableing yourself to becoming a mature swinger.

[Alura 2,774]

I'm glad you registered, GlassyPeaks. This is a situation that probably happens more often than we realize. It should be talked about here. Thank you!

 

Would it be possible for your wife to join the discussion?

 

Mr. Alura

[SecretAsianMan 348]

Talk to your partner about what happened and explain that your feelings were hurt by her violation of the rules that y'all both set up. Apologize to her for humiliating her DURING that situation and admit that you could've handled it better.

 

Y'all have to BOTH forgive each other and move on...

 

Figure out if this changes your situation any... Do y'all want to set up new rules for swinging for each other? Do y'all want to stop doing this for a while? Do you want to make enough of an issue of this to change your current "rules of engagement" when it comes to swinging?

 

In other words... TALK TO EACH OTHER... FORGIVE EACH OTHER... CONTINUE TO LOVE EACH OTHER... MOVE ON WITH YOUR LIVES TOGETHER

[Sunswept 161]

...We had been drinking alot ....Does this make sense? Other than stating our rules to the room beforehand, is there any other advice?

 

glassypeaks09, I hope you take what I say constructively. People do all sorts of things they did not intend to do, or would not have otherwise done when they have been drinking a lot. Not just in swinging either but in regular life. You can have all the rules in the world, drinking a lot can make all that a moot point. Another thing is that the most predictable thing about people that have been drinkng a lot is that they often become unpredictable. No way for us to know if anything else is wrong, the drinking thing throws the whole thing into question... unless we were there to see what really happened, which we were not. You are not sure what happened yourself.

 

Just get past this, forgive each other, handle and communicate about anything that comes up about this incident promptly. Listen to each other and simply say you are sorry and mean it, that applys to both of you. Forget about any "who is right, who is wrong" stuff here. It was a shared screwup. Next time you, your partner or you both drink a lot and swing ... leave and go home... be sure to get a ride.

 

I imagine I am not the only one who will not swing with anyone who has to drink to swing. I drink socially, but not that much when I swing because it numbs me out and I lose awareness. To me, thats like going to the movies wearing my darkest sunglasses.

 

I hope you will put yourself in a party host's shoes, and ask yourself if you would invite you two back to a party if your drinking had caused a scene or a drama. Life is too short. Either swing a lot, or drink a lot... but not both at once.

[twohots4u2 188]

We just read this and Tina said, "I cannot believe he was shouting to her at the club like that? That must have been the most ugly thing he could have done, short of pushing the other guy off of her! To me that would have spoiled swinging forever!"

 

We both think that you have a lot of deep apologies to make to your girlfriend. And, before you ever try to swing again you need to reassess what each of you want from swinging. Sounds like otherwise you are on a dangerous path.

 

Tina felt also felt that your type of shouting leads her to believe you have control and anger issues in your regular life and she feels that you need to make a reassessment of yourself in that area too.

[dixiedelight2 15]

I've never played with anyone that was so drunk they didn't know someone was sticking a dick in them or that they were being fucked by someone they didn't want to fuck them.

I'm not judging anyone here just stating the way I see it based on how you explained it. Sorry.

[snapps 78]

Ok, I’m a lil late to the party, but Let me get my two cents in...

 

First of al, ya'll were playing with fire (as many have already stated). So you should have expected for something like this to happen sooner or later. Secondly, as many people have also stated, you and her needed to talk more about things before jumping right into the heat of it all.

 

Now as far as her stating she was completely unaware of what’s going on.... Well, that’s obviously and completely BS... No one gets that drunk, especially when it comes to having sex, i mean c'mon! If she really was that drunk, you had no business leaving her alone in that atmosphere and situation, and even so, it's hard to believe she was that drunk but yet was able to be moaning from getting fucked.... I mean really.... People have a knack of conveniently falling back into that setting and excuse when things happen that they are either embarrassed about or simply want to forget and move on from.

 

Obviously this incident bothers you, so I would strongly recommend you guys talk about it and deal with it before simply moving on and forgetting about it... or trying to act like it didn’t happen. Things will not get better from here on out if you guys continue this path... Well, that's my two cents... EnjoY!

[metroman 17]

My gf and I started going to parties about 6 months ago. We had been to two others and had a blast. We played in hotels after each. At first, we just did soft - girl/girl stuff. The second party we got more adventurous and we both basically did a soft swap with other guys going down on her and touching her etc. We both liked this, it was a big turn on. We still had our rule of no full swap sex (more hers than mine!). At the first few parties we stayed very close to each other and "looked out" for each pther really well. (She was cautiously enthusiastic but not quite as much as I was about attending these parties.) At the last after party there were about 6 couples and pretty intense play going on as you can imagine. I felt more comfortable that we were a little more free to roam around a little since we were both more experienced at this point. At the height of it, I hear my gf moaning and the sound of someone fu--king her. I can barely see just the top of her hair through all the bodies , but it is obvious she is getting it from behind and enjoying it. We had been drinking alot and I know she must have gotten carried away - I said out loud - "hey (her name) you know thats not me!" - it continued - i couldnt say how long maybe 20 seconds maybe a couple of minutes and I say two more times that "hey thats not my cock inside you" - I think it was the guy who was doing my gf's wife that was laying out in front of me, wanting me to do her I suppose (again, lots of people , hard to see what all is going on) - I was hesitant to do so, but wondering if I should go ahead and proceed since my gf surely was. Finally after I said louder a third time (keep in mind the room was fairly noisy) that she was being f'ed by someone else, it stopped. She looked mortified and got upset (she held it together until we could leave, was almost in tears) Granted in the past we were extra cautious staying close etc, and the guys were less aggressive than this guy was, or so I think, not knowing how it actually started - we only flatly stated our bounderies to the couple who invited us and felt more comfortable when theirs were the same, but i felt like... "man, why is she upset?. She is the one that broke the rules." I still wonder if she actually stopped him or if he just finally came and then she felt guilty about it. I am trying to move on and for the most part have. I think I would have felt better about it if she had just said "oh god, I got really carried away, I am so sorry" instead of "I didn't know what was happening." Anyway, it put a damper on our comfortness sharing fantasies etc (she was very reluctant to talk about being attracted to others for quite a while, if not still to a certain extent) and left a bad taste in our mouths after the other great parties we had been to. Typically, we feel super close after playing with others, this was different. We seem to be past it now and will be playing again soon, so I guess it will all end well. I am writing to get others opinions about what happened and how they may have moved on. Do you think she knew what was happening? -I know it really doesn't matter and I shouldn't wonder, but that is easier said than done. We have waited a while now and feel like we are in better place with our sexuality and trust again, so I think getting back into the "swing" of things will be fun and an important part of putting it behind us . Does this make sense? Other than stating our rules to the room beforehand, is there any other advice?

 

Man, a tough situation and all to real. This can be very deep psychology beyond me. I would offer, there is a possibility that the Mrs was acting out on some long pent up hostility/resentment regarding something not connected to sex or this party but directed to you. It may be time to do the hard thing and look at yourself.....have you been disrepecting your wife w/o realizing it, have you been controlling or manipulating her in some fashion? Feeling she couldn't get you to listen to her feelings - she acted out - Now she has your attention. I would suggest asking what you can do to be a better husband/partner and most of all a better listner. Are there other acts of hostility showing up outside the sex arena?

Let's be honest - You're at a party for sex - your level of expectation for your wife may have been to ideal and not realistic. Did you have sex - probably not which makes her action more annoying - she got it & you didn't - Not fair!

Do you love her? If yes, Forgive her! Don't ever bring this up again! Don't throw it in her face or make a bunch more rules. Do show her more love in your actions. Do figure out her love language (5 languages of love by Gary Chapman) and start speaking it. Fix yourself - you can't fix anyone else. Respect her as an individual. Do give and it will be given back. The biggest thing hurt is your pride - love your wife more than your injured pride.

Again, just another opinion, but you asked.

[Trace Ekies 186]

We would not put too much weight on a situation like this...as stated before, an intense, multi-partner, full-swap gathering will lead to intercourse...pure and simple.

 

If the hosts informed you that it was a full-swap gathering then you put yourself in a situation that you weren't ready for and if they didn't, you still put yourself in a situation you weren't ready for.

 

Take a deep breath and talk. We started with very few rules and the only one that still stands is "we play together"...and we're considering trashing it.

 

At one time you were not swingers and then you were considering swinging and then you became swingers who soft swap and you got here thru communication...

 

Don't let an event that appears to be "heat of the moment" change something that you seem to enjoy without having a frank discussion of both of your wants and wishes...now's the time to get into the really small details and be honest with yourselves and each other.

 

You'll be surprised what you learn and, if you're like us, you'll be so horny for days after that you'll be insatiable...and that's worth the effort in itself.

 

Good luck

 

Trace

[JustAskJulie 2,595]

Have you talked to her yet? If not, why are you here asking us what happened when you should be asking her?

 

Communication is key for any relationship to work, especially one that involves swinging and it doesn't sound to me like you guys have been doing much of that lately. Maybe she was embarrassed, maybe she didn't realize it wasn't you and was upset at that... but the only way to know is to talk to her. The only way to move past is to talk to her, find out what happened, and why, let her know how you felt and why you did/said what you did the way you did it and then work it out.

[SaSsyNsWeEt 41]

This part caught my attention. All other stuff aside, maybe she was upset because you humiliated her in front of all those other people?????

 

I couldn't agree more! I would be horrified if I was called out in front of everyone. Maybe that was best left as a conversation once you had both left the party. A better way of handling it would have been to ask the other guy if you could cut in so you could be with your GF...just a thought!

[SecretAsianMan 348]

I've been in situations where my partner stepped outside the rules... it is incredibly frustrating and I understand the feeling of ... "Hey wait a minute, I thought we had a rule!"-moment

 

It's not fun... but the discussion between the two of y'all needs to happen as soon as possible afterwards and done at a time when you both can maintain cooler heads about the happening.

 

If you wait too long ... you'll then have those days / weeks / months of frustration built up where you just let this thing that was bothering you build-up and eat away at you all that time. Yes, it's not a bad idea to talk to a few others to get some advice - but in order to actually RESOLVE the issue... you have to talk to your partner about it

[couplers 4,638]

1) You two should agree beforehand not to drink too much.

2) Tell you you love her; no big deal.

3) Forget about it, or at least never bring it up again.

[VanHlebar 187]

I think if you have been in the LS long enough something "like" this is bound to happen. Now let me clarify, I don't mean your partner banging someone else and not knowing it wasn't you. What I mean is rules or boundaries getting broken. It just happens and I think it probably happens to everyone at one time or another. These are the learning and growing spots in your life. It is how you communicate and deal with the busted rules that show you how strong your relationship really is.

 

I agree with Susan, I strongly believe that she meant no harm in doing what she did. She got carried away and know feels bad about it. Like some have said maybe your approach to the situation wasn't the best, again it happens. Maybe instead of "yelling" like you did, maybe you could have moved through the crowd until you where in front of or near her head. Bent down and lovingly gave her a very passionate kiss. This could have let her know you where "ok" with what was going on, and would have had the side benefit of letting realize that you where not the man inside her. If she then started to panic, you where close enough to help her out directly and be a calming influence. Just a thought.

 

At any rate, I hope all has worked out for you and your SO. I know what it is like as I have broken most of our rules that we once had at one time or another AND Mrs Van has broken many also. Like I said, it happens, but it is how you deal with them that really matters. Talk to your SO, then talk some more and then when you think you have it all talked out, you might just want to talk about it again.

 

-Van

[lovinher 505]

I wonder (actually I know) what the responses would have been if it was he who broke the rule. While I do think he didn't handle it well at all, the fact that they had never full swapped before and had a rule not to, IMO gives him every right to be upset. It seems he is being blamed here for her indiscretion. What is he a baby sitter? And to suggest that a full swap or breaking their rule is inevitable is BS.

 

How many soft swap couples may have read this and now think that one of them will end up fucking somebody at some point because they lost control in the heat of the moment or that it's "bound to happen"?

 

As far as communication? It's all ready been said.

[Alura 2,774]

I think Van is on the right track.

 

The passionate kiss is the right approach. He then has two choices. If his wife needs rescue, he can take the place of the guy fucking her or if he senses she's okay, he can go about his own pleasures.

 

I think all swingers might keep this in mind just in case the situation warrants it.

 

Alura

[VanHlebar 187]

I wonder (actually I know) what the responses would have been if it was he who broke the rule. While I do think he didn't handle it well at all, the fact that they had never full swapped before and had a rule not to, IMO gives him every right to be upset. It seems he is being blamed here for her indiscretion. What is he a baby sitter? And to suggest that a full swap or breaking their rule is inevitable is BS.

 

How many soft swap couples may have read this and now think that one of them will end up fucking somebody at some point because they lost control in the heat of the moment or that it's "bound to happen"?

 

As far as communication? It's all ready been said.

 

By no means was I excusing her of her part in the interaction. I personally have never bought into the excuse that drinks made me do it and I wouldn't have done it otherwise. I have always subscribed to the belief that all drinks do is give you and excuse for something you wanted to do anyways, just incase it goes bad.

 

You are correct that he is not her babysitter and she should have known what she was doing and is completely responsible for the breaking of the rules, period no doubt about it. All I was saying is that there "might" have been a better way to handle that situation. When I say "might", I wasn't there, it didn't happen to me so I don't know how I would have reacted. All I can say is that I know in our personal experience, we have broken rules and boundaries that we had set at the beginning of our journey. We did not do them on purpose and we had no intention of hurting each other. The way I see it, is you have one of two choices at this point. Learn from it and move forward or stop.

 

I don't know if anyone reading this entire thread will think that they are "bound" to have a full swap when they don't want to. I did not mean to imply that that was the situation that was going to happen eventually, what I meant and guess I didn't convey very well is that eventually, there is a high probability that one person will do something that hurts/upsets their SO. It is what you do after this and how you react to it, that really matters.

 

-Van

[mrfunfan 25]

Sounds like she broke the rules and got caught up in the moment and feels guilty because she wouldn't want you to. This happened to us only I didn't say anything for years and let my wife continue breaking all the rules because I liked watching her have fun but when she realized she didn't like watching me do the same things so much guilt set in and we are still trying to work it out. Nip this in the butt now by talking about it and forgive her but you both have to know that there are moments that things can heat up and be honest with each other. No excuses. Give some room to both explore if your "feeling it" without feeling like your constantly afraid of breaking rules. Good luck!

[DiscreetDesires 32]

First thing.. you state that not full swapping was a rule, followed by your inclusion that it was her rule more than yours.

If you are going to swing together, then your rules need to be agreeable to the both of you. They are rules for you both.. not rules she has made up, and not rules you have made up, but the rules you have made together.

 

It's understandable that you may be open to furthering the boundaries to full swap, but if you agreed to go it at her pace, then it's your rules as a couple.

By stating what you did, it just suggests that you felt an animosity towards her for that rule.

 

I do not agree with what she did. Alcohol is no excuse, but neither was your behaviour. Both of you acted badly and would be best for you to work out your issues BEFORE trying to get back into the lifestyle.

[Miss Sunshine 29]

I am confused, weren't you there to have sex with other people? Sounds like she was doing what you both wanted and you were doing something as well. Was your rule not to have intercourse with others?

[PB&J 1,086]

I am confused, ... Was your rule not to have intercourse with others?

 

"We still had our rule of no full swap sex (more hers than mine!)."

 

He states it quite clearly in his original post. He didn't exactly react in an appropriate manner in the heat of the moment, but the rule was there.

[tnt69couple 64]

I believe she knew exactly what she was doing. I think she got caught up in the moment and thought you have rules but it is really her rule that she did not want full swap. I think you calling her on this in the middle of it probably embarrassed her. If you were Ok with the act and just upset about the rule you should have just watched. Then discussed it in private.

[mrfunfan 25]

Ok, I just want to speak my 2 cents because the girl is at fault here for breaking the rule and the guy did not overreact. He had a right to call her out and be concerned. Let me share some light to you girls.

 

I know the lifestyle is mostly about the girls having fun and basically setting the pace which is perfectly acceptable, but one thing is for certain...If you go ahead and break the rules without first letting your man know you are OK with it. You are taking advantage and doing a disservice to your man who is being respectful and avoiding situations because of your wishes. That is a great guy! He'll just be confused and left out and afterwards you will feel guilty and go right back to not being ok with full swap again leaving your man out and confusing him even more because he thought since you did full swap it was OK.

 

I'm ok with girls setting the pace but let your man be the first to know throughout the night or immediately before you are willing to go further with another guy or cpl so he can open up more too. It's not fair to give another guy what your man would like who is looking out for you.

 

We have learned the hard way and it almost cost us our marriage! Do not have a rule that says basically...when I break them it's ok because I guarantee you...you won't feel it's OK after you've had your fun and then realize your man was left out not sure it was ok cuz you never told him. Communicate with words, not actions. Us guys need to hear it's really ok because we want to respect your wishes of setting the pace.

 

I guarantee you his girl playing and having fun isn't the problem here, it's breaking the rules without communicating with him. Now the rule should be full swap but it won't be. He was probably worried about her and needed a verbal she was OK.

[10thBadger 25]

On 3/10/2010 at 4:50 PM, glassypeaks09 said:

Thanks for everyone's input. I never thought that I embaressed her, but I see now how that may have been true. I was just really surprised by what she was doing. She had previously made it clear that she did not want to have sex with other guys at all (without any prompting from me whatsover). I was trying to make sure that the sex was #1)OK with her - and #2) see what I should do - kinda like "ok babe , well if your sure then here i go too".. (I am aware its not good to change ROE during play) If I had been closer to her, I guess I would have been able to tell whether she was OK without asking out loud. It seems that many of you think that she was indeed embaressed by being called out doing something on the very edges of her comfort level. i guess that is the only thing that still bugs me - if that is true, i wish she would just admit it - hell it may even be a turn on to talk about etc. So perhaps I should have assumed it was ok after I made a comment and went ahead with the guy's wife? I am fairly confident that not everyone was doing full swaps - i know at least two couples said they didnt.

 

The embaressed explanation explains her reaction and why she wanted to leave so badly. But if she was embarressed, why would she continue after I made mention once or twice? Afterward, she wanted to go RIGHT away, as soon as we got dressed. I thought that was pretty awkward, so I insisted we relax and socialize for 5-10 minutes before leaving the hotel room. She ended up being really upset with ME for that - this may support the embaressed hypothesis. What i hear folks saying that believe this to be the case is that it is not likely that she really didn't know what was going on. Makes me feel pretty dumb for calling her out like that, but i was just trying to look out for her (and to be honest, decide if i was going to "proceed" as well.) Maybe she did have no choice but to play the victim which she def did. I feel like i got the short end of the stick on this one.

 

The biggest downer here is that if that is true, it really reduced our intamacy for a while. She was alot more reserved about her sexuality for afterward. We have made alot of progress since and have discussed the incident at length. She still claims she didn't know what was happening. I really want to believe her, mainly so I would know she trusts me enough to tell me if that wasn't the case.

 

 

Thanks again for all the input.

The fact that you would except her being angry at you for trying to stop her from doing something that she said she didn’t want to do and breaking the rules. Soon as she would’ve got upset with me, and my wife is sitting right next to me right now. If my wife wanna do something like that and get mad at me for stopping it because she broke our rules, I would’ve left her ass right there and told her to find a way home. I’ll be damn if I am going to get the silent treatment or someone get upset with me when it was her rules  that she put in place and then broke them because of the so-called heat of the moment BS.

 

If anything I’m supposed to be angry because she broke the rules, not for her to be angry at me for enforcing the rules that we both agreed on. 

 

My wife just said, she’s getting angry at you and trying to make you feel bad because she knows she did something wrong and she doesn’t want to admit that she is guilty of breaking her own rules.

[10thBadger 25]

On 3/16/2010 at 12:33 AM, twohots4u2 said:

We just read this and Tina said, "I cannot believe he was shouting to her at the club like that? That must have been the most ugly thing he could have done, short of pushing the other guy off of her! To me that would have spoiled swinging forever!"

 

We both think that you have a lot of deep apologies to make to your girlfriend. And, before you ever try to swing again you need to reassess what each of you want from swinging. Sounds like otherwise you are on a dangerous path.

 

Tina felt also felt that your type of shouting leads her to believe you have control and anger issues in your regular life and she feels that you need to make a reassessment of yourself in that area too.

OK don’t worry about her breaking the boundaries and rules that they both set. It doesn’t matter what the girl does, everybody must forgive her because she was drinking. But if this would’ve been the opposite way around, you will be waiting to castrate the dude. Why is it at all the girls get a pass when they make mistakes and break their own rules and break the boundaries, but when a male does it, OMG what was he thinking, he is so selfish. It’s absolutely insane.

 

Just like one of the veteran members here said on a post. Here we go again, the offended being slapped around and the offender is getting coddled if she is a woman that has done wrong

[24fun4u 8]

Right on badger. If my women was drunk and got in the middle of a gang bang, well shit, aint her fault. She was drunk! If my B*&th did that to me, and she wasn't drunk, well, I'm Mr. Macho, and would stand for that shit! I would slap that Bee-ouch around and show her who's boss!

[enhancer 1,585]

If the moderators can not see what is completely obviously going on right now then people are blind!  

[lcmim 1,082]

Anyone who is reading this series of post over many threads by 10th, and who has the vaguest of ideas of the LifeStyle will realize 10ths post for what they are.

 

To any Newbie or explorer reading these, please realize that posts are being cherrypicked  from people that came to this community with REAL issues. Realize also that there are decades of such threads . All of these threads have been met with a caring and fairly consistent set of reactions and answers.

 

Human relationships are deeply complex in either the Vanilla or LS worlds.

Many of these issues arise in both. The answers here apply in both. Communication, forgiveness , understanding would solve many of the worlds ills.

 

The life style provides an excellent viewpoint to the world. It is NOT for the fainthearted , the unprepared, or for those still reaching maturity. It challenges us and places us under a microscope. It is truly "The examined life", which is well worth living. It is also not meant to be entered casually. There are many good books on ethical non monogamy. I suggest reading them as part of your path, into or away from the LifeStyle.

 

I hope 10th and his wife are truly happy together.  Some women appreciate men with his attitude. Some are intimidated into agreement or silence by it.

 

 

 

Edited December 23, 2021 by lcmim

[enhancer 1,585]

33 minutes ago, lcmim said:

Anyone who is reading this series of post over many threads by 10th, and who has the vaguest of ideas of the LifeStyle will realize 10ths post for what they are.

 

To any Newbie or explorer reading these, please realize that posts are being cherrypicked  from people that came to this community with REAL issues. Realize also that there are decades of such threads . All of these threads have been met with a caring and fairly consistent set of reactions and answers.

 

Human relationships are deeply complex in either the Vanilla or LS worlds.

Many of these issues arise in both. The answers here apply in both. Communication, forgiveness , understanding would solve many of the worlds ills.

 

The life style provides an excellent viewpoint to the world. It is NOT for the fainthearted , the unprepared, or for those still reaching maturity. It challenges us and places us under a microscope. It is truly "The examined life", which is well worth living. It is also not meant to be entered casually. There are many good books on ethical non monogamy. I suggest reading them as part of your path, into or away from the LifeStyle.

 

I hope 10th and his wife are truly happy together.  Some women appreciate men with his attitude. Some are intimidated into agreement or silence by it.

 

 

 

We will agree to disagree on that!  Other long time members have already told me they are out, because they see it for what it is.  All it takes is one person with multiple accounts running rampant to ruin the experience of a site for many others.  We all have choices of where we want to spend our spare time.  I know I have got better things to do then read repeated misogynistic posts on a site set up for open minded people!  Merry Christmas to the free thinkers out there.

[lcmim 1,082]

I am bothering to put my two cents in because of those who are new or enquiring that will read this stuff and think it is from those IN the lifestyle and not those sniping in ignoragnce from the outside.