Wondering if swinging is right for us?

[jandaexhibit 15]

Hello,

My wife and I have been talking pretty actively about a fantasy or two, off and on for a couple years. it's kind of come to a head recently, and we are now very curious about possibly going through with it. See, my wife has only been with me, but I have somewhat of a history. Not alot for my age I think, but she seems to think it was alot. I knew something had been bothering her for quite awhile, and I finally got her to admit she's been wondering what it'd be like if she had played the field a bit. Now, luckily for her, I guess, I'm actually pretty turned on about arranging a mmf threesome, or even just some one on one for her. Even just talking about it leads to a very exhausting night. Great stuff. I'm not a particularly jealous guy as long as my wishes are respected and I know that our loyalties are bound to eachother. However, she does not feel the same way. She's actually jealous of the idea of me even seeing another woman naked, afraid I'd prefer the other woman over her. I assure her that I would never do anything she is uncomfortable with, and I am ok with the idea that she would not want me to engage in activity with another woman. Now, she feels guilty about that, and it makes her not want to fulfill her fantasy because she feels selfish, but can't shake the jealousy. The second problem is I would prefer to meet other couples, for various reasons, such as I like to hangout with other couples on a regular day, and there are the other games that could be played I'm interested in (same room/same couple, strip poker, maybe even watching her in a threesome with the other couple), but I feel that my not being able to attend to the other ladies needs should they arrise is rather rude and unbecoming of host/guest relations. Perhaps I'm just over analyzing it, but could that jealousy ease up after she's maybe had a couple other partners to build up her self image? Alot of her problems are do to her feeling undesirable by other men. Any anecdotes or advice on the matter from any couples who had a similar issue would be much appreciated.

[MrsPandMe 150]

Hmmm... Well, Mrs P and I had the same deal going in, in the fact that I had "been around" and she had not, with me being her only one to that point. When we started out the conversation was much the same. She was curious if she was missing out on an experience by only having sex with me for her whole life, but she was content.

 

I think you and her really need to get to the meat of the problem, and that is her inability to reconcile her desire to see you have as much fun as her vs. her potential jealousy issue. You mentioned she thinks you'll drop her for someone else, which you know is preposterous, but obvious she thinks is not. I'm no woman, so I can't call myself the expert, but I think your wife needs to know that you find her beautiful in ways no one else can possibly see, and she needs to know that you are there to protect her as such. Obviously you'll encounter beautiful looking women in the course of swinging, and even women who have outstanding personalities that you'll connect with on some intellectual level, but she is your world, and no matter what happens, nothing is going to crack that foundation. Once you both believe that; TRULY buy into that, then you MIGHT be ready to try introducing other people into your intimate world. My strong suggestion is that so long as she, or you for that matter, are in conflict over your feelings about this you don't do something that you can't "undo".

 

Okay, preachy shit over with. If her concern is that you'll go running after the first dandy pair of tits you see, perhaps your first experience should be to go to a club. Resolve to each other that you are there to observe only for that night, and if you get randy you'll only touch and have sex with each other. This will serve several purposes:

 

-You both get to gauge how she feels when you are around naked women and she will see for herself that her fears that you'll go running off are unfounded.

 

-You will, with your HARD RULE IN PLACE NOT TO PLAY, be able to take in the immense sensory experience of seeing a room full of naked people getting it on and still be able to "keep your head screwed on", so to speak. Basically, since you're not going to be groping and grinding, you'll have done nothing that could damage your relationship should jealously rear its ugly head.

 

-She will see that, in the face of all these other people you could potentially be playing around with, you choose to play with her.

 

-If things get out of hand or it's too much for either of you, you can step away without hurting anyone's feelings or having to "explain your way out".

 

Either way, take this one step at a time. If the club thing intrigues you both and you're comfortable, take it to the next level. Perhaps either go back to the club and get naked with other willing participants in the room and maybe do some touching but still only have sex with each other.

 

There are other threads on here that address these issues.. I encourage you to read around, you'll be enlightened. The most important rule to remember though is to go as fast as the slowest person. Swinging CAN be a lot of fun, but it can also be a big fat grenade if you're not careful, and it's not for everyone. Consider the possibility that this might never happen. Own that possibility... Be okay with that possibility. If you're not, you're going to be tempted to push things along, and that is where real damage can occur.

 

Clear as mud?

 

Mr P

[jandaexhibit 15]

Thanks for your reply, I appreciate the time and thought you put into your response! Actually, as surprised as I am, we didn't think of clubs. We'll have to consider that if we find some in our area. I think maybe I fixated on, or perhaps put too much emphasis on the "jealousy" thing. I was taking it as an outward manifestation of perhaps a deeper problem with self image, or some other insecurity perhaps relating to our marriage. My main concern is that if we do act out some of these fantasies, that it doesn't cause more problems for her. It's been a hot/cold prospect for awhile, and, like I think I said earlier, we've kind of brought it out into the open after kicking it around for a couple years. we're both still a bit nervous, though she gets hit by uncertainty much harder than I do. In anycase, thanks again!

[JustAskJulie 2,595]

Is she really interested in seeing you with other woman but jealous? Or does she not want you with others at all?

[Guest warrencouple]

Mrs. Warrencouple here.

Okay, I hope I can explain my idea so it's understandable. Perhaps, even before you go to a club (if you can find one in your area) why don't you try role-playing? Yes, you both know that the person you're with is your spouse but you can pretend they aren't. You can even go so far as to "meet" at a bar or something and pick her up, pretending to be someone else. Sort of a, "Hi, my name is Fake Name, come here often?" kind of thing. Pretend you don't know each other and go from there. Take her home and continue treating each other like strangers who have hit it off and want in each others pants. Maybe do something different when you make it to the bedroom, to enhance the "this isn't my spouse I'm with" feel. In return, on another night, she can always pretend she's another woman and you can play all over again. This might help you both see how you'd feel if your partner was with someone else. No guarantees; note I said "might".

 

I hope that all made sense.

 

 

On a side note, your situation seems kind of like Jason and me (aside from the he has more experience than me - he doesn't). I KNOW he won't leave me for another woman, I KNOW I'm the only woman he loves but there's that tiny bit of insecurity that may be part of the reason we've never gone back to the club and gone upstairs.

MrsPandMe, thank you for your response to jandaexhibit; it's given me some things to think about and try. Jason and I have agreed to drop the subject for now (he's trying but hasn't completely succeeded:rollseye:) but this will help me if we ever do touch on the subject again.

[whyokc 94]

My wife 25 and I 35 had the exact same issue as you as I am older than her I had more of a chance to explore than she did as we got together when she was 18 she had only had one partner as opposed to my endless list of forgotten names. I not unlike yourself decided that she should get a chance to "enjoy life" and also not unlike you the thought of her being with another man was a huge turn on. Though she did not understand that at first and thought I was making up...and also thought that I would change my mind once I saw her engaged in the act.

 

Well that was 4 years ago... since then we have enjoyed many party's, clubs and even some of our own friends.

 

The jealousy issue has not changed sad to say over those four years though, I have had the occasion to get to play one time with the wife of another couple (that are friends and swingers that we knew outside of swinging) though it was sanctioned by the wife... after everything was said and done she could not get passed her jealousy.

 

We still enjoy the HotWife aspect a lot (and I do mean a lot) after all we got into this for her to explore and me to enjoy watching her explore. I kinda figured that she may change her mind one day... maybe she will maybe she will not. I though had never set my expectations on the fact that she will change her mind so if she doesn't I'll be just happy being a voyeur. So that may be just something to keep in mind.

[phatmatt 15]

My wife 25 and I 35 had the exact same issue as you as I am older than her I had more of a chance to explore than she did as we got together when she was 18 she had only had one partner as opposed to my endless list of forgotten names. I not unlike yourself decided that she should get a chance to "enjoy life" and also not unlike you the thought of her being with another man was a huge turn on. Though she did not understand that at first and thought I was making up...and also thought that I would change my mind once I saw her engaged in the act.

 

Well that was 4 years ago... since then we have enjoyed many party's, clubs and even some of our own friends.

 

The jealousy issue has not changed sad to say over those four years though, I have had the occasion to get to play one time with the wife of another couple (that are friends and swingers that we knew outside of swinging) though it was sanctioned by the wife... after everything was said and done she could not get passed her jealousy.

 

We still enjoy the HotWife aspect a lot (and I do mean a lot) after all we got into this for her to explore and me to enjoy watching her explore. I kinda figured that she may change her mind one day... maybe she will maybe she will not. I though had never set my expectations on the fact that she will change her mind so if she doesn't I'll be just happy being a voyeur. So that may be just something to keep in mind.

 

thats awesome

[couplers 4,645]

The path swinging doesn't have to follow a script. If you love her, let her start playing ahead of you. Ask her how she would like to play with other men, discuss it, then to show her how much you love her by letting her without immediate expectations of reciprocity. That's essentially what my husband did for me and I loved him all the more for it.

 

 

It took several years, but I overcame my jealousy in an ephiphany one day and now he plays too, and it is a real turn-on for me. As a bonus his current gf has become my play partner as well, introducing us to a wonderful world I hadn't considered before.

 

 

All this happened because hubby was unselfish when I would never had moved ahead.

[whyokc 94]

Okay well some time has passed since I have posted in this thread... but I thought this would be the appropriate one to post this in... about 2 weeks ago my wife gave me the thumbs up.

 

To be honest I am not ready myself... We have been together for over 9 years and have been in the life style 4 to 5 years now... I honestly have no idea how to even approach another female. I figure if anything we will keep it in mind when we go to on premise clubs...

 

But needless to say I think it is funny that even now in the event that I have the permission to play myself I still just want to watch her, and could care less rather I play or not... lol funny how life is, especially considering my past and how many I have been with before my wife.

[couplers 4,645]

But needless to say I think it is funny that even now in the event that I have the permission to play myself I still just want to watch her, and could care less rather I play or not... lol funny how life is, especially considering my past and how many I have been with before my wife.

 

Funny how life is, indeed, but whatever works for you two is what works. And things change, usually for the better as we see how sharing can work to one's own benefit. We also went from a one-sided thing (I have kept my relationship with my bf from before marriage going up to the present), and I as well was at first too jealous to let hubby play. He had other girls before me, but he was fine with being monogamous, although it wasn't either a turn on or turn off for him to know I was having sex with someone else (he never watched). However, I did make sure that I spread my legs whenever he wanted. Eventually I had a sudden breakthrough when a friend of mine said she thought hubby was quite sexy. It made me both incredibly jealous and extremely turned on. So I set them up (yes, it was a control thing with me) and things have gone from great to unbelievably wonderful.

 

 

You are willing for your wife have her sexual enjoyment; stay with it and she will eventually not only let you, but want and enjoy you doing the same.

[Swing*8701 887]

Susan here--As far as approaching women, I find,"Hello," works best with me.

[funcoupledayton 2,708]

Along with "hello" Smile and eye contact works for me.

Lisa Marie

[bbarnsworth 2,640]

I don't know. "I want to father your babies" worked for Michael Douglas with Catherine Zeta-Jones.

 

Actually it didn't work, in fact failed miserably. But, they ended up together. I don't suspect that line will work as well in swinging, but your mileage may vary