They see my picture and seem to lose interest...

[ruggedteddybear 15]

I am a single male and whenever I try to start a conversation with a couple through a personals ad everything goes well (I would like to think I am a very easy to get along with guy) until we exchange photos. Now in my opinion I am a attractive guy but far from special...just an average every day guy. I was once 300 lbs so throughout my younger years my self-esteem has taking a huge blow. I have lost a good amount of weight but still seems like my appearance is the ending factor in conversations. Is it possible I just run across fakes who are only wanting pictures? If anybody would like to see what I look like I would really appreciate an honest opinion. Only G-rated pics out of respect unless you ask otherwise.

[LikeMinds321 1,527]

Hi teddybear! Welcome to the Swingers Board.

 

Your personal ad must not include a public picture, is that right? If I'm understanding you, you're saying that once an introduction has been made next comes the request for your picture. They see the pic and lose interest.

 

If I got that right, I don't see it as unusual at all that people are dropping you once they see your pic because swingers want sex with people they are physically attracted to. And physical attraction doesn't necessarily have to do with how good you look (or bad) but whether they feel your looks appeal to them. You may be average, but maybe your average look isn't what they want. Maybe your picture(s) aren't doing you justice.

 

Do you have a profile on SwingLifeStyle.com? If so, we can move this thread to the Singles Profile Reviews thread and have people comment on the wording of your profile along with the public picture(s) in your profile.

 

If you don't have a picture in your profile, I suggest you put a couple in so that people know what you look like from the start. This way, if they don't like your looks they won't write to you. If you write to them and they don't like your looks, they will write back with a "no thank you" or they may not respond at all (that happens to).

 

I think you could load a picture onto a post in this thread if you'd like. You may be required to have a minimum number of posts before it's allowed (can't recall) but give it a try with your next post here. Just be sure it doesn't show any genitals, those type of pictures aren't allowed.

[ruggedteddybear 15]

No I don't have a profile on SwingLifeStyle.com :\ sorry. And yes I meant only a face picture and/or G rated body. I would feel more comfortable not sharing on the public forum though. Just a habit I have of not putting my picture "out there" for anybody that may pass by. Not that I don't trust loyal members that come here but rather the occasional idiot that pops in

[LikeMinds321 1,527]

I spotted your post about Craig's List and if that is where you have been advertising I suggest dropping that place. It is least likely to show results, IMO.

 

You don't have to show a face pic here or in a personal ad on a swingers site. Most people don't show their face at first.

 

We won't even write to a couple unless they have pictures. We wouldn't even respond to an e-mail from a person if their profile or e-mail didn't have a picture that shows what their body is like (clothed is just fine). After that, if we were interested we'd never meet without seeing a face picture early on in the communication stage.

 

Would you ever want to have sex with someone if you didn't know what they looked like?

[LikeMinds321 1,527]

If you haven't visited Swing Lifestyle you might take a look around. You can set up a free profile. There are fakes on every swinger site. With time and experience you'll learn how to better identify profiles that you would have a better chance of success with.

 

Since you are 24 years old, you may have more difficulty finding playmates since you are so young. You can learn a lot by reading this forum.

 

Why are you interested in swinging?

 

There is a great new book out on swinging that I recommend. It's The Swinger Manual and is authored by JustAskJulie, the administrator of the Swingers Board.

[ruggedteddybear 15]

I guess for me the main reason I am looking to get into swinging is for two reasons.

 

1) I've always been a long term relationship kind of guy but so many people have their priorities out of whack this days it's hard to find a down to earth mature girl. I have just decided to take a break from trying; leave the drama alone for a while.

 

2) We are all human and have needs. As I said I am taking a break from the whole dating scene for a while and not afraid to admit I still need to feel that connection with somebody. I refuse to go after slutty drunken women in bars, or hook up with a STD hostess for one night. The swinger deal would be a way to avoid that mess. A way to still build a relationship (friends wise) with good people and hang out. When and only if both parties feel chemistry then the sexual side of things could come into play.

 

It's kinda hard to describe and don't want to give anybody the wrong idea. Basically its the best of both worlds...Good conversation, good company, new (true) friends, and the sexual aspect of course.

[sexcupid 809]

Are you looking to play with couples? Single females? I'm sure if you've poked around the forum a bit, then you know you are fighting an uphill battle.

 

As LM mentioned, join a swing site and put some pictures up. Most people are concerned about privacy and not wanting their stuff plastered all over the place, but chances are you may run into someone you know on a website or at a party or some other swinger function. If you do, not like they can really out you without outing themselves. SLS, Adult Friend Finder, and Swingerzone Central are a few of the sites out there that offer free membership.

 

To address the original topic in your first post...I have a single female friend that has an AFF profile. For the longest time she didn't have pictures posted, but did have a webcam that she would turn on so the person chatting with her could see what she looked like. Some would keep chatting, others would immediately have something else to do or just stop chatting. And yes, I'm sure it caused her some hurt feelings. I know it would hurt mine a bit.

 

Having pictures available first of all eliminates this happening, if they don't like what they see, they won't be contacting you in the first place. However, having pictures available also means that the people that are searching may have a better chance of finding you. I know we, as well as quite a few other folks we know, search only for profiles with pictures.

 

Just now I did a search on SLS for single males with pics and 168 matches came up for me. When I did not specify for pictures, 359 profiles showed up. So nearly half of the single guys with profiles in our area would not show up using our search criteria of only searching profiles with pictures, with the 'age' parameters set between 25-50 yrs.

 

As LM also pointed out...while some people have luck on Craigslist...most do not....most of the ads I've seen there are just webcammers trying to direct you to their site to play to watch them.

[Chicup 41]

Let's stop beating around the bush.

 

You are out of shape, a man doesn't use 'teddy bear' in his name unless he has a gut. Single males in swinging are not only a dime a dozen but part of a fantasy situation for many couples. Most peoples fantasy threesome doesn't include a guy who is out of shape. From what I've seen the single males who 'do well' in swinging all tend to be in far better than average physical shape.

 

Unattractive single females can do quite well in swinging. Thousands of couples are looking for an FMF for a number of reasons, and a true unattached females are a rarity in swinging as most females can become "a STD hostess for one night" as you put it and get casual sex.

 

Unattractive single males are better off saving their monthly swinger date site fee and using that to join a gym.

 

Your personality, your wit, your charm, all mean very little in the initial contact phase, and often mean little after as well. Now perhaps you are one of those rare men that could charm even a rabid dog, and rarely such a single male can find a happy place in swinging without the looks to back it up, but odds are if you are like most of us, you gotta get in shape for your sport.

[The Fuse 1,012]

Welcome to the Swingers Board! You have found a great place for frank discussion and advice.

 

Here's my take: you are afraid your appearance is putting people off, but you are making it difficult for us to give you informed advice. If you want real opinions, put up at least a free SLS profile, post a picture of yourself from the neck down (G-rated is fine), and then ask again. Or, post that picture somewhere on this Board. Your anonymity is perfectly preserved if you wear blue jeans and a white T-shirt and stand in front of a white door or similar background. Blur out any distinguishing marks or tattoos.

 

Bottom line, you will not be successful if you make people jump through hoops to even get the information they need, like showing them what you look like. They shouldn't have to make a special request of you. This is true for couples and more true for single guys.

 

Chicup is right about the supply and demand problem for single guys. Single guys are plentiful. Couples have a lot to choose from. If they don't find you physically attractive, game over. You're better off going on a vanilla singles dating site and trying to find a girlfriend.

[ruggedteddybear 15]

Chicup you are right about mainly above average physically looking guys having the better chance. I wouldn't say that I am out of shape but I definetly don't have a six pack either. I am the type who is always out of the house doing something, not a couch potatoe. Plus my occupation is a logger; poor health and out of shape doesn't work too well in that career path...

 

The Fuse I went ahead and set up a page on that site (genuine10 is the name). Picture isn't the best in the world and the profile is pretty blank. Have some things I have to get done today so I pretty much just threw it out there for the opinions and edit later.

[ItTakes3 19]

As someone who doesn't photograph well, I can appreciate your frustration. I'm an average looking guy who has never had difficulty attracting women when meeting them in person, but I couldn't sell myself with a candid photograph if my life depended on it.

 

That said, I had a professional portrait taken a few years ago and was amazed at how different I came across when the photographer knew how to capture my best features. No more Mr. Mean and grouchy on camera, and now I have pictures I'm happy to send anyone. It was worth a couple hundred dollars.

 

 

My wife is just the opposite, she could get up after a day and night of partying, hung over, well-screwed, tired, sunburned, bad hair day, a pimple on her nose, and come across on a throw-away camera like Doris Day in a sixties Hollywood publicity shot...but maybe that's because she's drop-dead gorgeous to start with.

[LikeMinds321 1,527]

ruggedteddybear said:

Chicup you are right about mainly above average physically looking guys having the better chance. I wouldn't say that I am out of shape but I definetly don't have a six pack either. I am the type who is always out of the house doing something, not a couch potatoe. Plus my occupation is a logger; poor health and out of shape doesn't work too well in that career path...

 

The Fuse I went ahead and set up a page on that site (genuine10 is the name). Picture isn't the best in the world and the profile is pretty blank. Have some things I have to get done today so I pretty much just threw it out there for the opinions and edit later.

Good start. The picture gives a general idea to start with. Work on some more pics of you, standing up, and add them.

 

I will say that with a username like genuine10 people may think you have a 10 inch cock. So if they ask, don't be surprised. And if you don't have a 10 incher, don't say you do.

 

Develop your profile in the next week, and ask us to view it again.

 

I think it would be advantageous to add some of what you said above:

 

I am the type who is always out of the house doing something, not a couch potato. Plus my occupation is a logger. [if you want to keep your exact occupation private you could choose another term, but I think logger sounds sexy and suggests you may have a bit of muscle.]

 

Pictures are so important. Get a variety of nice ones together.

 

Swinging is like dating, only it can be much more frustrating. Don't think this is easy or doesn't hurt sometimes.

[N8ture Girl 318]

I think you off to a good start with your profile. And as LM said keep workin on the profile. Profiles will always change and evolve over time.

 

I think the pic is pretty good, as its hard to photgraph yourself when there is only you to take the pic.

 

Plus my occupation is a logger. [if you want to keep your exact occupation private you could choose another term, but I think logger sounds sexy and suggests you may have a bit of muscle].

 

I agree! I happen to like to outdoorsy rugged type.

 

Also, now that your on SLS, check out the events pages and look to see if there any events in your area. Going to a Meet and Greet is a good way to get out there and meet others.

[sexcupid 809]

Let us know when you have the profile updated...the picture is very nice. I like black n white pictures.

 

Just one word so far...please ditch "conversate". Your prior sentence states maturity beyond your years...use the vocabulary that indicates that.

 

Great start so far. Good luck

[ruggedteddybear 15]

Thanks for all the suggestions and comments. I added a little more to my profile and also uploaded another photo (standing). Doesn't show up yet, waiting for approval.

[ALilOEverything 901]

I'm trying to look at this from a different angle. How long does it take for you to show pics? If couples are looking for single men they have so many to chose from. If you're taking too long to show pics (especially face ones) that alone might put you out of the running. What interest they may have had with you before receiving pics is now with someone else because they already had pics of another single guy to start fantasizing about. By the time you sent your pic they may have already made their decision about which guy they really want to get to know more and you were eliminated before they got your picture. Also, showing pics right away helps to quickly show YOU'RE interested and serious.

[JustAskJulie 2,595]

I just tried looking at your profile and it's not showing me ANY pics. When it comes down to it that is the #1 thing people are going to look for out of a single guy when dealing with profiles. Let's be real, if your pic sucks they are going to pass you by without reading your profile.

 

I have no idea what you look like since I missed the pics that were posted on your profile but as Chicup said the first things that come to my mind when I read the name "Rugged teddy bear" is a big hairy guy. Even if you are in shape, too much body hair can be a huge turnoff to many women.

[Newpants 21]

I guess for me the main reason I am looking to get into swinging is for two reasons.

 

1) Ive always been a long term relationship kind of guy but so many people have their priorities out of wack this days its hard to find a down to earth mature girl. I have just decided to take a break from trying; leave the drama alone for a while.

 

2) We are all human and have needs. As I said I am taking a break from the whole dating scene for a while and not afraid to admit I still need to feel that connection with somebody. I refuse to go after slutty drunken women in bars, or hook up with a STD hostess for one night. The swinger deal would be a way to avoid that mess. A way to still build a relationship (friends wise) with good people and hang out. When and only if both parties feel chemistry then the sexual side of things could come into play.

 

Its kinda hard to describe and don't want to give anybody the wrong idea. Basically its the best of both worlds...Good conversation, good company, new (true) friends, and the sexual aspect of course.

 

I may be a day late and a dollar short as this thread is a few weeks old now but noone else has mentioned this so I'll throw this out there.

 

IMHO I think you are looking for the wrong thing in the wrong place. I understand that traditional dating and relationships can create frustrations and dead-ends but if you think that swinging is going to be the answer for you...you ain't seen nothing yet.

 

let me put this into numbers. There are millions of single women looking for a relationship. At last count the number of legitimate single women in the swinging lifestyle was about 5 and they are all booked up untill January of 2032.

 

Ok so that may be a bit of an exaggeration but the point is valid. Single men in the lifestyle really serve two purposes. One is a 3rd in an MFM 3-some for a couple and the other is a cock standing in line in a gang bang.

 

In both of those instances the lady gets to pick out of a large pool of candidates as to which one(s) she wants. Stay with me here and you'll see the light. She will most likely already be married to a nice guy that is soft around the belly, is balding, wearing glasses and has a few well earned wringles and scars. She picked him as a partner because he was a good provider, good father material, was nice to her kooky family and ditzy friends etc etc.

 

Ok so in other words she married the nice-guy average Joe. However when she picks out who her extra studs are going to be for her MFM or gang bang she is going to pick out the tall, handsome, well hung, buff guy with the full head of hair.

 

She only cares about if he is going to get her turned on and get her off. She doesn't care if he is a good father, nice guy, good provider or any of that because she already has that at home.

 

She (actually a better term is she and her husband) are going to use his cock, hands and tongue for a fun time and when she is done with them they are going to send him packing and if he trys to "connect" with her again on his time he runs the risk of getting his ass kicked by a very pissed off husband.

 

My point to all of this is if you are nice guy (and in all honesty you do sound like it) and deep down you are not a skirt chaser, player, womanizer, ladies man or total dog, you are actually going to have more success and enjoyment in the traditional dating world than you ever will in the swinging world. Eventually you will find a nice down to earth gal and you will make each other happy and in ten years and after a few kids and a mortgage you can both explore swinging together and it will be a lot more meaningfull and enjoyable.

[ruggedteddybear 15]

I had photos up, even added a face photo for a while. However after tons of messages from "couples" in which the husband contacted me and the "wife" wasn't feeling good blah blah blah I deleted it. Not saying the site is nothing but fakes but all I ran across is fakes....not looking to hookup with a gay man who lies about his wife and puts pics of her up without her knowing lol.

 

Newpants; yeah there ARE a lot more single women out there than swinger women.... problem is finding one that isn't going to use a guy for money or run around behind his back. Whats the difference between dating a girl who uses you for what she wants and sleeps with other guys....wouldn't a married swingers wife do the same and at least be up front about it with no games.

[Newpants 21]

In some ways you are correct but the problem that occurs is a lot of single guys want to get into swinging because they think it is going to be "easy" uncomplicated sex...it isn't. In swinging you still have to work for it and it still gets complicated.

 

Consider this - in order to have even the slightest success in the swinging world you are going to have to be pleasing to the female eye (much more so than in the vanilla world), you are going to have to be charming and flirtatious, you are going to have to have very solid social skills and very importantly you are going to have to be able to "read" people and know their motivations and be able to read between the lines. You are also going to have to very skilled at communicating your own boundaries and limits as well as your objectives and motivations.

 

Ok stay with me here - if you are able to develop and hone all of those traits and skills enough to be even a slightly mediocre single in the swinger world, you will be a lady-killer in the vanilla world.

 

So I guess the bottom line of what I am trying to say is that the time and energy that you spend trying to score a piece in the swinger world will be a lot more effective and you will probably have more enjoyment from it in the vanilla world.

 

The issue here isn't that vanilla chicks are all fucked up and that swinger chicks are going to be easier and less complicated. The issue is you need to work on your "game" a little more.

 

Whether you go the swinger route or the vanilla route you will still need to look your best, have solid social skills, and be able to communicate effectively and be able to read people well enough to know if they are pulling your chain or have a completely different set of motivations and objectives that you do.

 

Once you have those skills down there is A LOT more options in the vanilla world and deep down your core objectives are to have a meaningful relationship with your own special someone and not just be a stunt cock for someone else's.

[Newpants 21]

I'll add one more thing and then let it go. What my gut is telling me here is that you are a nice decent guy deep down but that you have been kicked in the teeth a few too many times lately and getting a bit frustrated and tired of the game at the moment and just want to get your tank drained now and then without all the preliminaries.

 

The problem with that is if you are harboring some resentments, frustrations and hostilities at the moment, that is going to be visable and will be a red flag to both swingers and vanillas alike. There really isn't much that scares away both swinger and vanilla chicks more than a guy with a chip on his shoulder that just wants to get his tank drained as efficiently as possible. Even if a particular woman can't spot that, another guy can and no husband is going to allow a man with a chip on his shoulder anywhere near his wife so add one more minus sign to your options in the swinger world.

 

But here is a little bit of good news. Many women in their mid-20s are starting to see the light and are starting to realize that some of the best guys are not the ones that are the most aggressive, have the smoothest lines and are the most dashingly handsome.

 

The nice, normal, down to earth gals that you desire are out there and they are the ones that are going to be able see your admirable traits first. You just may need to do a little bit of polishing up and improving your social and interpersonal skills a little bit to help them see those traits.

 

My advice is read all you can here and especially read the "Swinger Articles" section on single males and especially read the article "How to Talk to Strangers."

I have not read JustAskJulie's book "The Swingers Manual" but I am sure that it would be an excellant resource.

 

Personally I think you have the best chance at success and happiness in the vanilla world but if you learn a few tricks of the trade and pick up a few new skills and improve your game a little bit by trying out the swinger world then so be it.

[twoforone100 45]

In both of those instances the lady gets to pick out of a large pool of candidates as to which one(s) she wants. Stay with me here and you'll see the light. She will most likely already be married to a nice guy that is soft around the belly, is balding, wearing glasses and has a few well earned wringles and scars. She picked him as a partner because he was a good provider, good father material, was nice to her kooky family and ditzy friends etc etc.

 

LOL @ kooky family and ditzy friends. The rest of the advice is sound too.. WE are not looking for a single male and most if not all of the couples we know are not either and that might influence our opinions on the subject... but single men have it very hard in the lifestyle. VERY hard..

[Rob555 15]

Thanks for all the suggestions and comments. I added a little more to my profile and also uploaded another photo (standing). Doesn't show up yet, waiting for approval.

 

there is one fact of life not normally talked about. some men just cannot find a sex partner or has trouble at the very least.

 

I am one of them. In my case most women just do not find me

attractive enough to have a relationship.

 

I hope you have success!!!!