How do we tell existing children about the the new baby in a poly relationship?

[imacougarlady 15]

Female half of a poly couple here. My hubby of seven years and I have recently welcomed Angie (a 25 year old woman) into our marriage. We have a very busy household with our 2 small children (3 and 5 year old boys). Angie is now expecting my hubby's first child. We are all excited about her pregnancy. She is now 7 months and hubby is very excited for sure. How do others tell their existing children about the impending arrival??

[Guest rdy46227]

Just the facts, what the kids need to know.

 

- Angie is going to have a baby.

 

- Mommy and Daddy will help take care of it, and you can too.

 

- It will part part of our family, just like Angie is, and like your is.

 

You don't need to define the specific relationship (i.e. half-sibling). Use "family" to include siblings, half-siblings, and cousins.

 

They probably won't want or need that much specificity, but if they persist (or ask at an older age), concentrate on different mothers but equality of love and treatment.

 

---

 

The governor here is how you present your triad to the community. How the 5 year old identifies the new born to outsiders needs to be consistent with how you have presented yourselves.

 

 

Here's some options to consider:

 

-- You could teach the 5yo to always say "new baby" and "Angie's baby". (5yo: we have a new baby. teacher: A new brother or a new sister? 5yo: it's Angie's baby.) It deflects attention from your husband as the father, at the cost of demoting the baby from being a sibling.

 

 

-- If you have the 5yo say "my new cousin", then you can explain that the 5yo calls Angie "aunt", who is "extended family" currently living with you.

 

Ask for their consideration in not making an "uncomfortable situation" more embarrassing for the "unwed mother". If you have to, remind them that this has happened in many families in the past and the details are not their business.

 

 

-- If the 5yo says "my new sister", you may end up being trapped into explaining that he means "half-sister" and then have to divulge the common parent (your husband with you obviously not the mother).

 

Respond that the children are "not truly siblings", but since you adults have agreed to help each other raise the kids in a common household, you are teaching the kids to treat each other other as siblings. Therefore they are being told to say "new sister".

 

Note the weasel phrase and just don't answer questions about it. Reiterate that while they are young that you want them all to live together as siblings no matter what the exact relationship may be.

 

(And don't let the really pesty people force an answer -- it's rude of them to press, so you're not rude by firmly changing the subject!)

 

 

PS: In my experience, it's always good to have a plausible position prepared that will pass public inspection and avoid a lynch mob. It lets everybody save face, even when they strongly suspect it's not the whole story.

[BiloxiCouple 695]

Since this may be a life long situation. Try a version of the truth that they can understand for a lifetime. Eventually they will figure it out. Start with love and compassion for everyone involved. Lots of love for the mother and new arrival from everyone involved in the family.

 

With adults. The same thing.

 

The little white lies now can do more damage later.

 

You have a lot to think about and decide upon.

[JustAskJulie 2,595]

What is your explanation of Angie to them? At this point they are so young I doubt they'd understand much regardless of how you explain it. But, how are you explaining her now? The fact that she sleeps with you/ lives there/etc? How do you intend to continue to explain it as they get older. If they are aware of her and how she fits in the family explaining the baby should be no issue.