Went to club with lifestyle friends...they are upset with us. HELP!

[Learning 160]

Okay need advice asap....went to club with lifestyle friends last night. We are super good friends and basically had sex in safe room/touched twice in past while having sex with our partners. Great vanilla relationship but they too are swingers.

 

We went to the club with them last night. We always have the rule if they see a couple that they want to play with, they should go for it and same rule applies for us. Well last night we met a couple that I really enjoyed (hubby was there but couldn't hear so I was making the intiation. Other couple, they couldn't engage either so when it got down to it I noted that we should all go upstairs to play where we just have sex in front of our partners. Our lifestyle friends noted that they were going to dance and maybe join in so we went up with new couple. We waited so our friends didn't join so we procede to enjoy the other couple. It takes us a tad bit to finish because we were having fun. We are getting dressed and the lifestyle friends make is on the way up to the room to tell us to get a ride with new couple. He looks visibly upset. I note that we are done and go out to car with lifestyle friends while hubby is using the restroom. DEAD SILENCE...I thanked them for waiting (I think) and the lifestyle friend notes that they have been up since 4:30 amday before and it's 3:30 then. Car ride back to hotel is my nervous chatter. No one is talking. I ask about breakfast and they note "we'll see" and I ask them to let us know. The tell us goodnight while they are bolting out of the elevator. Okay...so what do we do? They are very upset with us. I don't know if it was because we didn't play with them or the amount of time spent in room making them wait for us. I love this couples friendship and value it totally. Don't know what to do or say HELP!

[ncmd_couple 597]

Learning,

 

It sounds to me like there has been a miss communication of desires from both you and the other couple. It is time for the four of you to sit down, when you are all rested and can talk freely, and talk about what happened, why, and what the expectations were. Then come to a firm understanding for the future.

 

S

[Learning 160]

Thanks for firming up what I was thinking I don't want the issue to ruin the friendship.

[LagniappeDC 313]

Agree with ncmd - you need to find some time to sit down with this couple and have a chat. The problem could be anything - from being upset with you, to perhaps they had a fight or bad experience while you were playing.

 

There is a lot of good advice about having good communication with your partner, but the nature of being swingers also means having equally good communication with close play partners. Feelings of hurt and jealousy can be common. We've both seen it and heard many stories. We have some friends where we can easily float between them and other couples. We have others where we are especially close and tend to just stick with each other and keep our interaction with other couples to flirting and conversation.

 

So you just need to figure out where you are with this couple. They may have felt they could "share" you, but perhaps after you played they felt differently. If that is the case, then you need to figure out if that is ok with you -- we've heard plenty of stories of possessive play partners.

 

Find a time to have conversation in a neutral atmosphere when everyone is calm. If you can't have an honest conversation with them about what took place, then you probably shouldn't be playing with them.

 

Good luck!

[LikeMinds321 1,527]

I have little patience for waiting around on people. I love the freedom to hop in my car at anytime to head elsewhere. This is why we made the decision to travel solo in our car when heading to a club or party to meet friends.

 

I'd recommend you travel alone in the future, unless you have made it a date for play with the couple you travel with and have agreed that you will only play with each other.

 

Talk to them. See what has upset them. Go from there.

 

LM

[AskMeOk 148]

I have little patience for waiting around on people......

 

I kinda doubt that was the real reason for the drama. It was probably way more about some hurt feelings over expectations....

 

As other folks have noted, time for a sitdown when all are rested and in a more civil disposition. Finding the *real* cause may take some soul searching...

[Learning 160]

 

As other folks have noted, time for a sitdown when all are rested and in a more civil disposition. Finding the *real* cause may take some soul searching...

 

I really hurt them. My behavior was intolerable, miscommunication, and expectations were there. Chatted with female half during car ride. This was a learning experience and I have hurt the trust and communication. I guess when it all blows over I don't know where we stand with them, only time will tell. I will work on my end of stuff and stear clear of situations like these.

[suite91 15]

I kinda doubt that was the real reason for the drama. It was probably way more about some hurt feelings over expectations....

 

As other folks have noted, time for a sitdown when all are rested and in a more civil disposition. Finding the *real* cause may take some soul searching...

 

Oh I'm with LM here! I have no patience when I've decided to leave and waiting on friends would quickly escalate to exactly the situation described by the OP.

[exploringRM 305]

We usually meet friends at a swing club with friends with the intent to play with them..but in the times where it's not clear I will send an email before to understand what the expectations are. Sometimes the email is...we are planning to play..yes? Other times it might be on the lines of...if you find a couple to play with..don't let us hold you back. Really depends on the situation and our relationship with the other couple. For me it's not always clear when when ourselves and friends are going to the same event but not really as an invite to each other.

[LikeMinds321 1,527]

I have little patience for waiting around on people....

I kinda doubt that was the real reason for the drama. It was probably way more about some hurt feelings over expectations....

AskMeOk ~ I agree with you that waiting wasn't the main issue.

 

I was trying to point out another thing that can make things uncomfortable.

If their friends were upset about them playing with someone else, waiting around for them to finish play would make it worse...pressure built in the stew pot.

 

I really hurt them. My behavior was intolerable, miscommunication, and expectations were there. Chatted with female half during car ride. This was a learning experience and I have hurt the trust and communication. I guess when it all blows over I don't know where we stand with them, only time will tell. I will work on my end of stuff and stear clear of situations like these.

 

Learning ~ Now your confusing me because it sounds like you knew why they were upset immediately - on the ride home - and in your OP you seemed not to know why.

 

So what upset them? What did they tell you?

 

LM

[Learning 160]

Thanks for the clarifying question. We are with them for whole weekend. More vanilla activites mixed in with swing. Yesterday was the club. I talked to wife on the car ride this morning. So at the time of the question I didn't know why they were mad.

[sexcupid 809]

I really hurt them. My behavior was intolerable, miscommunication, and expectations were there. Chatted with female half during car ride. This was a learning experience and I have hurt the trust and communication. I guess when it all blows over I don't know where we stand with them, only time will tell. I will work on my end of stuff and stear clear of situations like these.

 

Ok...exactly how was your behavior intolerable? You went to the club with them, if it is understood that they were welcome to come to the room with you as well and they didn't...why didn't they? Were they aware of the "take an opportunity if it presents itself, you don't have to stay attached to us" rule?

 

If you have only ever played with this couple as same room sex with incidental touching...do they (have they) ever played with anyone other than your and your hubby? And if they haven't (or this hasn't come up when you all have gone out together before), then perhaps what they are looking for was an exclusive type of arrangement.

 

Obviously there was miscommunication on both sides...so don't feel like you need to take the fall for their lack of communication with you either.

[AskMeOk 148]

AskMeOk ~ I agree with you that waiting wasn't the main issue.

 

I was trying to point out another thing that can make things uncomfortable.

If their friends were upset about them playing with someone else, waiting around for them to finish play would make it worse...pressure built in the stew pot.

 

Yeah, I think we are on the same wavelength, but something is missing.

 

"You[the OP] Learned?" It isn't clear what the lesson was or why the OP is taking ownership of the entire misunderstanding.

[ANGEDKY(mr) 100]

Thanks for the clarifying question. We are with them for whole weekend. More vanilla activites mixed in with swing. Yesterday was the club. I talked to wife on the car ride this morning. So at the time of the question I didn't know why they were mad.

 

So exactly why were they mad?? Or what did she say this a.m.?

[Learning 160]

I just want to thank everyone for their awesome advice. What I appreciate about this board is that the knowledge everyone has so many thanks. My husband and I debriefed separately with the couple. Myself with her, and he with the husband. Then we debriefed when we got home today. On Friday, there was a lot of miscommunication (all parties), expectations (other couple), and jealousy.

 

After debriefing the issue, I am glad it happened. Yesterday, I was fully going to full responsibility for the situation but it was everyone involved that failed to communicate. I learned a ton this weekend of what to do and what not to do. I have had some emerging themes with myself that I got to talk about with husband which was great. It only strengthened my relationship with my husband and we had an awesome debrief together. Very open and honest...love this lifestyle. Our future plans with the couple, is to keep it a friendship. If they decided to not be friends, I have closure and peace with it.

 

I also do not regret anything that happened on the weekend. It produced growth in myself. We had an AMAZING experience on Friday night. I had always been somewhat afraid to just hook up with a couple but it was nice and there was amazing chemistry. We'll never see them again but the experience will live on in our heads for many years to come.

[Newpants 21]

 

We always have the rule if they see a couple that they want to play with, they should go for it and same rule applies for us.

 

Our lifestyle friends noted that they were going to dance and maybe join in so we went up with new couple.

 

( HELP!

 

I agree with what the other posters have said and it sounds like you have made peace with your friends so I will leave you with a couple other thoughts to ponder.

 

 

#1. It is fine and appropriate to have an agreement that you are free to play with others when you go to a club but how realistic is that really? Let me put it this way- whenever my wife says, "that's fine go ahead and do whatever you want." should I really do what it is she is saying or should I do what my survival instincts tell me I should be doing?

 

#2. Your friends do bare some culpability in this too. One of the first lessons we learned in the lifestyle is when you are presented with an invitation to play, you either accept the offer and head off to play right then and there or politely decline the offer. Never say, "we'll stop by later" or something to that effect. Along with that if someone tells us they might come to the room later after dancing/getting some to eat/drink/chit chat with friends etc, we consider that a no thanks and we move on to someone else and if the first people come by the room two hours later (yes this has actually happened) we keep playing with people who accepted the offer and we don't answer the door.

 

We have also learned from others early on that if you are looking at a club or party as a freemarket place where people are free to play with whomever, that you should never ride together or bunk together in the same hotel room. If you are riding or bunking with someone you do have somewhat of an obligation to consider their feelings and timelines and comfort levels etc etc but I think you have seen the light here and it's not my place to rub salt into your wounds.

 

Glad to hear you were able to patch things up with your friends and things turned out ok.

[lizandtom 512]

I learned a ton this weekend of what to do and what not to do. I have had some emerging themes with myself that I got to talk about with husband which was great. It only strengthened my relationship with my husband and we had an awesome debrief together. Very open and honest...love this lifestyle. Our future plans with the couple, is to keep it a friendship. If they decided to not be friends, I have closure and peace with it.

 

Just reading this thread for the first time, but you've come to the exact right conclusion. The lifestyle is supposed to be the ONE place on earth where you can be free to do as you wish, without judgement. In context of your weekend with this other couple, the ONLY thing you can be guilty of is making them wait so you could catch a ride back with them, but hey, we experience this all the time, where one partner is taking some extra time because it is just going so well. Patience is part of the lifestyle.

 

It sounds like you guys hooked up, the other couple probably didn't. NOT YOUR FAULT as you've realized. They should have chilled out and gone with the flow, because it caused drama, and a lot of it. You guys did nothing wrong; no guilt.

 

Like you said, if they want to hang, fine. If not, their loss not yours.

[tnt69couple 64]

Just communicate with them. Tell them you value their friendship and would like to know why they are upset.