Open marriages - bliss or disaster?

[Lovers6770 16]

I would like to hear people's ideas/comments/experiences on the subject of "married" (unmarried, but LTR committed counts) couples that "decide" (no cheating spouses here) to have/try the "open marriage" concept. This should include ALL types of sexual preferences and combinations be it 1 on 1, threesome, group/orgy, gangbang, same sex, mixed sexes, etc. Don't count "cyber/penpal" only direct encounters.

 

I define an "open marriage" as when:

 

One or both "spouses" are "free" to have "casual" (not considering "poly" relationships here - future thread) sexual interactions (not just sex & includes fetish encounters) with partners they:

 

Individually choose (i.e. not mutually chosen) OR

 

Choose jointly, but decide individually when. (I don't count "occasional" times when one "spouse" decides to "opt-out" of playing but "let's" their spouse still play. Key word here is "occasionally".

 

Suggestions of areas to include in your posts are:

 

Break this out into voyeur and non-voyeur non-playing "spouses" as a voyeur spouse has "some vested interest in the activities.

 

Please make a distinction between playing "solo" and "mutual separate nights out" be it concurrent or alternate days (i.e. couples with children where one watches with the kids or without but doesn't play the same day).

 

I would also like to make a distinction between:

 

"swinging" couples that "occasionally" play either in separate rooms with unrelated partners or have a "yearly" solo sexual encounters

 

AND

 

couples that make a regular occurrence (over an extended period of time) in addition to sex just the two of them. Don't count a "yearly week long fling" i.e. (couples that have an annual sexual vacation apart at Hedo for example).

 

Please make a distinction between couples that have one or both spouses that are "professionals" (i.e. sexual interactions are part of their livelihood (i.e. strippers/porn/prostitutes) and non-pros (all others).

 

Sincerely,

Paul & Kalin

[Roxysbayou 20]

Hmmmm...I don't know. I don't mind hubby meeting/sleeping with somebody if he is say away from home for a while. As long as he tells me about it and there is no emotional/love connection. But that would be the only time. Other than that we strictly play together. Maybe that is a little crazy, I don't know.

[oleretired1 15]

i also don't have a problem if hubby has an occasional get together without me, as long as it is something we have discussed first and of course he tells me all about it later. For the most part, we also only play together and that gives us the most enjoyment and satisfaction.

 

R of D&R

[Flori_DAMAN 26]

I won't vote cuz i'm single. Having been attached most of my adult life though and having met lots of couples with open relationship here is what I think.

 

Most don't work out. The reason is that most people really don't have enough security in themselves to feel comfortable about it. I have seen quite a few couples go that way and end up splitting up. Now on the other hand some couples do great with it. If I got the gist of your inquiry I believe you are wondering if you think it is a good idea or not.

 

Absolutely if you are really capable of handling it. In a perfect world I guess we should all be able to handle it but most of us just don't have that much security that it wouldn't be threatening to watch your spouse go off with some good looking sex bomb for the evening. What if she/he wants to do it again tomorrow and then the next day too? There are lots of variables there that I personally could not deal with.

 

Just swinging is a huge leap above what 99.9% of couples in general can take. Open relationships are a step beyond that concerning total trust and testing insecurities.

 

I wouldn't recommend it unless both parties absolutely are gung ho for the idea. IF one has to talk the other into it then it is bout doomed to fail i would think. Lots of couples have been convinced by there SO, especially the male to swing, but when you are both together and observing what your partner is doing and picking up on possible emotional attachments at least you have awareness. The step inbetween swinging and open relationships woud be seperate room swinging. Many couples prefer it and many just can't do it.

 

John.

[JustAskJulie 2,595]

I think there's a big difference between occasionally getting together with someone that you both know and approve of and each of you going off on your own and having sex with whomever you please (basically acting as if you are single).

 

I think the latter will eventually lead to problems.

[Lovers6770 16]

It is good to see people have interest in topics like this. I find it really gets the "gray matter" working. LOL. To answer any curiosity about if the question is a roundabout one or not. The answer is no it isn't.

 

While my personal opinion is still up for grabs about the true "health" of this kind of activity. Kalin & I already know that this is not a likely state for us to gravitate towards since we both enjoy too much the opportunity to watch each other in action. We have talked about the subject in determining where the "limits" should be for us and figured out that while I think I could deal with it in her she could likely not with me.

 

We have met three couples that do/did have an open marriage. Last we checked one was still doing so successfully, another stopped abruptly just short of a breakup a couple months after we met them, and the third is a rather interesting case study in and of itself.

 

The first are happily married and both have very open minds and free-sprinted egos with lots of sex drive. Each knows what they want in life and are will to allow each other the freedom to explore and express themselves as they desire. They each continue to remain committed to each other and love & care for one another and have a great sex life together and separately. i.e. the model "open marriage" couple.

 

The second couple got into it, it seems, to "fix" a problem in their marriage. He initiated the idea to satisfy his need for additional sexual encounters and she agreed as long as she had the same "rights". Seems she was having more fun than he was due to substantially greater opportunities then he had. And there in lies what I suspect to be the fundamental problem with this scenario for most couples. Unequal access/opportunities. If this could remain in balance then I suspect that it could work out more frequently for couples that try it.

 

The third are a husband and wife that are remaining married in the technical sense and living under the same roof for the sake of their two small children which they both love and adore, but for all intensive purposes they are each living separate lives. So in essence their relationship doesn't really constitute an "open marriage" since they are "uncommitted" to the relationship per se.

 

What have you seen or experienced? Curious minds want to know?

 

Sincerely,

Paul & Kalin

[Flori_DAMAN 26]

Originally posted by Lovers6770

It is good to see people have interest in topics like this. I find it really gets the "gray matter" working. LOL. To answer any curiosity about if the question is a roundabout one or not. The answer is no it isn't.

 

While my personal opinion is still up for grabs about the true "health" of this kind of activity. Kalin & I already know that this is not a likely state for us to gravitate towards since we both enjoy too much the opportunity to watch each other in action. We have talked about the subject in determining where the "limits" should be for us and figured out that while I think I could deal with it in her she could likely not with me.

 

We have met three couples that do/did have an open marriage. Last we checked one was still doing so successfully, another stopped abruptly just short of a breakup a couple months after we met them, and the third is a rather interesting case study in and of itself.

 

The first are happily married and both have very open minds and free-sprinted egos with lots of sex drive. Each knows what they want in life and are will to allow each other the freedom to explore and express themselves as they desire. They each continue to remain committed to each other and love & care for one another and have a great sex life together and separately. i.e. the model "open marriage" couple.

 

The second couple got into it, it seems, to "fix" a problem in their marriage. He initiated the idea to satisfy his need for additional sexual encounters and she agreed as long as she had the same "rights". Seems she was having more fun than he was due to substantially greater opportunities then he had. And there in lies what I suspect to be the fundamental problem with this scenario for most couples. Unequal access/opportunities. If this could remain in balance then I suspect that it could work out more frequently for couples that try it.

 

The third are a husband and wife that are remaining married in the technical sense and living under the same roof for the sake of their two small children which they both love and adore, but for all intensive purposes they are each living separate lives. So in essence their relationship doesn't really constitute an "open marriage" since they are "uncommitted" to the relationship per se.

 

What have you seen or experienced? Curious minds want to know?

 

Sincerely,

Paul & Kalin

 

Great post. You really hit the head on the three most likely scenarios.

 

You are right. Lots of grey matter better be involved beforehand.

 

The last scenario sounds like they were doomed to begin with. If you have a bad experience swinging, or in anything you really need to have the communication skills to work it out. I cannot see how healthy it can be for the family unit to exist like that.

 

John (the "counselor" that is still figuring out why he is single again). Maybe because I moved 1500 miles away? NAH. OH shut up John.

 

I'm kidding. Our breakup had nothing to do with swinging at all.

 

But this is great food for thought for those considering how to set boundaries.

[Alura 2,773]

Speaking only for ourselves, there are far too many aspects of our life already that keep us away from each other. We would not be willing to invest the time required to meet other people individually. We'll continue to channel our sex lives into each other and other couples we play with together, when the opportunity presents itself.

 

Alura

[OhioCouple 40]

This would spell disaster for us. Having been a woman that was cheated on (by my ex) and being one that another was cheating with (which I did not know about), I am left with a very bitter taste in my mouth about any sexual activity that doesn't involve the other party.

 

It most definitely would not be acceptable in this household.

[Botcpl 15]

I believe most of you are looking at only one small piece of what an open marriage is. If you read the book "Open Marriage" (I found it in the library, it did sell over 15 million copies!) that people can have open marriages and be monogamous. An open marriage is where two individuals form a partnership (marriage) yet remain individuals.

 

The open marriages that I've seen break up happened when the two partners started hiding and lying to each other, i.e. no longer an open marriage.

 

P

[curious24 17]

Originally posted by Lovers6770

The second couple got into it, it seems, to "fix" a problem in their marriage. He initiated the idea to satisfy his need for additional sexual encounters and she agreed as long as she had the same "rights". Seems she was having more fun than he was due to substantially greater opportunities then he had. And there in lies what I suspect to be the fundamental problem with this scenario for most couples. Unequal access/opportunities. If this could remain in balance then I suspect that it could work out more frequently for couples that try it.

guys just get screwed all the way around don't they? lol

[ArcaneReference 16]

We've been very open to encounters since we got together, however our rules are that this is discussed beforehand, and up until recently the other party was always involved - at least in the same house, if not the same room or bed.

 

Mr. AR went on a vacation with his buddies, met some woman, lied about being married, played the tropical single guy, and then lied to me about it (until I got an e-mail from her going on about how fantastic it was) - then I was pissed!

 

Open is "open", i.e. open for discussion and action, not behind the back. The damage done by his cheating has taken a long time to repair.

 

Face it, a fuck is a fuck, but his lying to me and hiding it from me turned it into cheating, and the lying about being single while he was on this vacation, I felt, disrespected me and everything to do with our marriage and was very, very hurtful. We are now reexploring the boundaries of our relationship and working on reestablishing the trust that was battered.

 

So, the long and short of it is, I am for an open relationship as long as it is truly "open" - no lies, no bullshit.

[Flori_DAMAN 26]

Originally posted by ArcaneReference

We've been very open to encounters since we got together, however our rules are that this is discussed beforehand, and up until recently the other party was always involved - at least in the same house, if not the same room or bed.

 

Mr. AR went on a vacation with his buddies, met some woman, lied about being married, played the tropical single guy, and then lied to me about it (until I got an e-mail from her going on about how fantastic it was) - then I was pissed!

 

Open is "open", i.e. open for discussion and action, not behind the back. The damage done by his cheating has taken a long time to repair.

 

Face it, a fuck is a fuck, but his lying to me and hiding it from me turned it into cheating, and the lying about being single while he was on this vacation, I felt, disrespected me and everything to do with our marriage and was very, very hurtful. We are now re-exploring the boundaries of our relationship and working on re-establishing the trust that was battered.

 

So, the long and short of it is, I am for an open relationship as long as it is truly "open" - no lies, no bullshit.

 

Personally as most people on this board know, I take honesty kinda half way. But when it comes to my lover fucking someone behind my back...OH NO.

 

I give you a lot of credit to reestablish the boundaries; that's much more than I could do.

 

Good luck and I wish I had that tolerance...

 

John.

[ArcaneReference 16]

Mis-quote of FLORI-daman "good luck, I wish I had that tolerance". Thanks. I wish I had it [tolerance] too.

 

There is no tolerance involved here - I am absolutely intolerant of lying and/ or cheating - it is attempting to re-establish boundaries and see whether or not the trust will be able to be re-built. A lot of time and effort has been invested and it would be a shame to see it all blown because of a knee-jerk emotional reaction. If our marriage NOW does not work, I can honestly say we gave it a serious try to repair damage.

 

Will we swing again? Likely not for awhile. If again, then only together as before. I still have some healing to do to get over it.

[OhioCouple 40]

Originally posted by ArcaneReference

There is no tolerance involved here - I am absolutely intolerant of lying and/ or cheating - it is attempting to reestablish boundaries and see whether or not the trust will be able to be rebuilt. A lot of time and effort has been invested and it would be a shame to see it all blown because of a knee-jerk emotional reaction. If our marriage NOW does not work, I can honestly say we gave it a serious try to repair damage.

I commend you for taking the challenge to try and see if your relationship is salvageable. I do know the difficulty in which you are facing. Although we were not swingers, my ex cheated on me. I tried very hard to overcome the feelings of mistrust and I couldn't, but there were other factors involved too.

 

I wish you all the best and hope that you are able to work this out.

 

Lori

[Flori_DAMAN 26]

I'm just a little confused about the "mis-quote".

 

I did not mean to imply anything except that I give you my utmost respect for dealing with the issue rather than doing the knee-jerk reaction that I personally probably would have done.

 

I understand you are not tolerant of cheating, but it takes a helluva person to take a deep breath and rebuild. I too wish you the best of luck and it is always healthy to vent. This board is a great place to do just that....

 

Cheers,

 

John

[friskyous 17]

Over the past 10 or so years mrs F has been involved with a few single guys that she sees occasionally for sexual encounters.

I encourage the activity because she always brings me home detailed descriptions of the evenings events which always leads to days of mind numbing sex for us. I love how hot she is when she comes home after being with one of her guys, she plays more of a dominate role when she's with them and that really turns her on.

I'm not interested in pursuing single partners so this arrangement works well, it's certainly not for everybody but it's great for us and has kept things interesting for several years now.

We have just recently started looking for other couples to explore a bit further and that's how we came to find this wonderful website.

So open relationships? Works for us.... but I agree with the masses... it has to be truly open to work.

[DBStPete 20]

For us, it's pretty much do what you want as long as you tell all afterwards (part of the best part!)

 

That said, it has been extremely rare for either of us. Maybe because neither of us really learned to flirt when we were kids? Dunno.

 

But to get back to the original question, I think successful open marriages are possible, they're just really, really hard, and therefore rare. In practice, it's a considerable risk for many couples.

 

Do you put your partner's pleasure above your own, freely and happily? Do you KNOW, deep down in your heart of hearts, who you're going home with, and who you're spending the rest of your life with? If you can't instantly say yes to both questions I think an open marriage is too risky.

 

Mr. DBStPete

[midnight hour 16]

We do not like the concept of a open marriage. Poly, yes, sounds great with everyone in the same house; totally open relationship, no. To us the romance etc. that is in some of the open marriages smells so much like cheating to us. We are not fans of "pillow talk" alone with the other partner...that does appear to be our only rule. I could never be relaxed enough to date someone while Mr. Midnight was not present. That is just us. I feel though if you are into swinging, it causes no problems so why go there? To us it is a chance of too much involvement with someone else. I of course understand the the theory behind the Hot Wife etc. but to me it is a no go.

[jsnps 45]

But to get back to the original question, I think successful open marriages are possible, they're just really, really hard, and therefore rare. In practice, it's a considerable risk for many couples.

 

Do you put your partner's pleasure above your own, freely and happily? Do you KNOW, deep down in your heart of hearts, who you're going home with, and who you're spending the rest of your life with? If you can't instantly say yes to both questions I think an open marriage is too risky.

 

Mr. DBStPete

 

I agree with what Mr. DBStPete said. They are very rare and take an immense amount of trust, consideration and communication. The last paragraph is particularly important because it is how my husband and I feel about each other. We have just began to entertain the idea of an open marriage and we have established some boundaries, just as we did when we entertained the idea of swinging for the first time.

 

We always communicate about the encounter, before it happens. We need to have at least met the person, if they are local, before anything happens. (if they aren't, the likelihood of seeing them again is pretty nil). It is about carnal pleasure, not emotional fulfillment. If it begins to become an emotional attachment, we reevaluate our priorities or break it off with that person - this is still something we do for each other, just like swinging. We allow these actions for the other person's pleasure / sexual fulfillment because we believe that experiences outside of the marriage can truly enhance our marriage and our sex life if approached correctly. We also believe that you can not truly possess another person - the effort to do so often leads to deceit and infidelity. We agreed that after the encounter, we always share the experience with each other.

 

For me, it took a long time to get to this point. As a female, who had been cheated on (not by my husband) and who watched her parents divorce over infidelity, it took a long time to arrive here at this point. My husband respects me in the utmost fashion - in fact, the swinging and the open marriage were both my suggestions. Neither are things we do often as we believe in quality as opposed to quantity. We make sure the choices we make build up, not tear down. It took me four years to learn to trust my husband, to not think he would cheat on me. He shares a lot of characteristics with my biological father (intelligence, interests, etc.) and I just got out of a REALLY bad breakup before we met. Swinging actually helped to solidify the trust I place in him.

 

Just as swinging is not for everyone, neither is open marriage. It's not good or bad, just something you have to be able to accept in totality before committing to it. Some people can never get their heads around it and there is nothing wrong with that either. People should always move at the pace of the slowest person in the partnership and do what feels right to both parties.

 

For us, an open marriage works. For us it requires the ultimate level of trust.

 

Mrs. JP

[invisibletouch 15]

Well, I guess I get to answer on both threads. We started out with an open marriage which now has turned into a polyamorous one.

 

For us it's working out wonderfully; no jealousy, no insecurities and no secrecy!

 

I guess it takes two people who are can communicate (in ways you'd never dream) and that are on the same page as to the level of commitment to the marriage in order for it to w0rk well.

 

We've been married 30 yrs so we knew each other very well, maybe that makes it much easier, although I never want anyone to believe it's a walk in the park. Subjects you never thought you'd discuss with your mate are now freely discussed and it's a continual work in progress to make sure the commitment to each other is intact & healthy.

 

Can't wait to answer the poly thread!!

[CliffandKeira 15]

I've seen the "open" marriage thing before, more in the form of the 3rd couple than the others. When in the service I knew quite a few couples that had contract marriages...they got married for financial reasons. They lived under the same roof and slept together but dated others. Most of the marriages ended after the spouse got out of the service. I've never seen a "true" open marriage...and don't see how it would work for most. Even those in the contract marriages people got jealous of each other.

[charlottefreaks 16]

Well we are an open couple but playing without each other is out of the question because we both loving watching each other play. As far as separate rooms, our first swinging experience was in separate rooms and I did not enjoy myself. For one we had already addressed to the couple that we do not perform in separate rooms. The female half of the other relationship got up in the middle of us playing and took my fiancée out to another room. Instantly I got out of the mood of doing anything. This made the male half feel as though he wasn't performing well, even though that wasn't the case.

 

To make a long story short, after that experience I told the woman that we do not play separate and her response was YOU ARE NEW TO THE LIFESTYLE, YOU WILL GET USED TO IT. She eventually started talking about leaving her hubby.

 

To make matters worst she would make me feel like if I wasn't, there they would have so much more fun. That drew the line for me and we decided same room is the best for us. More exotic!!!!

[HotMoCpl 20]

I've heard this term before and around the military it has quite a different meaning. Married 'military couples' face quite a challenge since both are in the military. Now I know that in the Army, the Department of the Army does try to keep the couple together as often as possible, but there are times that this cannot, or simply won't, happen. These for the most part, are couples that understand that for they're SO need to get laid about as often as they do.

[Kyndashi 15]

We have an open marriage. We swing and also see others separately. Most of the singles that we have seen have been in the lifestyle. There are some friends we party with that are not in the lifestyle though but know we are. It wouldn't work for everyone I'm sure. But we haven't ran into a problem.

[WesternSwing 504]

For us swinging is a couple activity, that is us as a couple. It is sharing the fun, the excitement, and the anticipation together. And then talking non-stop like teenagers about it for days to come.

 

My beautiful bride has given me the okay to play solo in the past when I was out of town and met a girl that just did it for me. But in the end it didn't happen. As it turns out she only lives several hours away so we tried to arrange a threesome, but she flaked. Oh, well. I think she had different ideas of the relationship, which just seems like it would be a problem if the other person wasn't in the lifestyle, or had a clear definition between love and sex.

 

We know couples that do play solo, and it works for them. But it just isn't our gig at this time. Someday our play may morph into solo play, but I don't see it happening at this time.

 

Mr. WS

[SW_PA_Couple 4,023]

This is an old thread but some of the replies are interesting. And I wonder if any of the people who answered in certain ways would now answer differently.

 

My wife and I do not have, by it's conventional definition, an open marriage. We do sometimes go separately. I believe that open marriage would be neither an enhancement nor a detriment so that's how I voted.

[km34 672]

We have an open marriage in theory, but really not in practice... We have different "rules" or preferences with different relationships:

 

-Purely sexual (the type of open relationship in this thread) - the other never has to meet the person, just has to know when/where it's going on.

 

-Romantic (because we are poly-ish as well) - the other has to meet the person BEFORE sex happens or if it is sexual turned romantic, must meet him/her/them as soon as romantic feelings are acknowledged.

 

We are very happy with this structure, and it has made us much more comfortable with the attraction we run into every day. We know the only way we're going to cause issues at home is if we lie about or hide something. It works because we are both open-minded, trusting of one another, and considerate of the other's feelings.

 

Opening our relationship in this and other forms has been great for our relationship, so I voted Utopian Ideal/Bliss. We generally prefer casual sex to be together (we like groups ), but we both have done and I'm sure will again do our own thing.

[prairieshadows 95]

We have an open marriage in addition to us being swingers, but we have rules in place with it. Before we can do anything alone with someone else, we have to get consent from each other, and also that whoever we're getting together with, that person can NOT be cheating on their spouse. Because we don't want to be caught in the middle of that. We have found that it enhances our relationship. Also for us there's things that we enjoy during sex that the other doesn't care for, and with the open marriage we could find someone to be with who may like those things. It can be a lot of fun as long as couples are OK with it, and don't go overboard with it.

[sweet_tna 680]

I think this is one of those areas in which we each have to figure out what works for us and go with that. I would not consider the occasional use of a hall pass as an open marriage situation, but that's just semantics. All I know is that for now, we're happy with our status quo. When that changes, so will we.

 

=)

[mauijanedoe 1,414]

I also don't think a hall pass denotes an open marriage so much as a license to - on occasion - play separately.

 

My slant on ethical non-monogamy is decidedly in the swinger end of the spectrum, but his is poly-ish, so we've definitely had to discuss the possibility of falling into a relationship or into love. We're still working on what that means and what the rules might be.

 

I doubt I'm capable of more than respectful affection for a second person, but he has a greater ability to multi-task emotionally. So I split the difference and voted in the neutral category.

[Chicup 41]

Swinging puts a stress on a marriage.

 

Anyone who has been a swinger long enough knows of couples where swinging was the finally tipping point to divorce.

 

An open marriage puts stress on a marriage but its worse.

 

Every marriage will have rough spots. Times where things are not going well for some reason. Life is like that. What an open marriage allows that swinging does not, is another pair of arms to run to. The grass seems greener (and hell maybe it is). If I'm having a problem with Mrs. Chicup I can't call a swinging couple we know and hang out with them, while they tell me how I should move in with them and they never wanted to say it but they knew she was no good for me. It just doesn't work that way.

 

With an open marriage you not only open yourself up to "love" chemically, you open yourself to the path of least resistance in a rough spot.

 

An additional issue is time. My wife and I are busy people, we only have so much time to be together as husband and wife instead of workers or parents. Every night she would spend with someone else is a night less we would spend together.

 

Over all, open marriage will weaken most relationships. Now at this point someone reading this is getting ready to tell me I'm wrong and its worked for them etc. Its happened before. Maybe those couples are still together, maybe not. It doesn't matter. What I said is that for most, not all couples this will weaken your relationship. There maybe personality types where it works out great, sex is a big umbrella of activities, but for the average SWINGER, as in someone who already is more open sexually, I still think its a very bad idea. I've seen it go bad here, and I've assumed its gone bad other times. They usually stop posting.

[Alura 2,773]

We have seen couples come to this board and tell us how wonderful open marriage is for them. Many are no longer together. I think there's a lesson to be learned here. Great post, Chicup.

 

Alura

[slevin 1,374]

With an open marriage you not only open yourself up to "love" chemically, you open yourself to the path of least resistance in a rough spot.

 

An additional issue is time. My wife and I are busy people, we only have so much time to be together as husband and wife instead of workers or parents. Every night she would spend with someone else is a night less we would spend together.

 

I always love your pragmatic take on things.

[Playful1 434]

As the girlfriend of someone involved in what most would call an open marriage (they are not married but together 20 years), I'd say it heavily depends on the couple. They make it work (it's not without it's bumps), but, I also know plenty of couples who try it and it fails. It takes a ton of work, and, the understanding that playing alone opens up the chance for way more than friendship, and being ready to deal with that if it happens.

 

Now, if you restrict it to just one or two times, versus a regular playmate, that will mitigate some of it, but, also ups the work of always having to find a new play person. You also mitigate it if you restrict it to only playing solo with people also in LTR/marriages, versus single people.

 

I think it can work for some, and would be a death knell for others.

[KMCouple 156]

I say disaster. Having had the open marriage we tried be the straw that broke the camel's back and led to me leaving her.

 

Was it the only problem? Not by a long shot. But (short version) it was something I agreed to willingly but grudgingly, she played, I hated it, I tried to, she flipped out and stopped me before I could. She insisted I cut the girl out of my life completely and she refused to stop seeing the guy.

 

It wasn't a "together" thing. Swinging is an 'us' thing, open relationships are not. I would never do an open relationship again. My gf and I have discussed separate 'date nights' if we find a couple we have clicked with repeatedly as a foursome, but that's as far as we would go.

[tiffany49 24]

My husband and I have an agreement that he is welcome to date and have sex with other women when he is out of town on business. I plan to make another post that details how we deal with this, but basically he has so far been unable to maintain an erection with anyone but me. I love him and I love the Lifestyle and this has been a huge roadblock for us. So my hope is that with freedom to experiment on his own he will be able to overcome the ED. I confine my own extra-marital sex to Lifestyle clubs, where I go with him. I have done a couple of club nights solo (with his permission, of course) but probably won't do that any more. I like to have sex with swinger men and have no desire to go vanilla, so the question of me dating other men has not come up.

[nllswing 81]

The question is not very helpful because there is a huge variety of open marriages. Regardless the flavor, however, an open relationship agreement is a very powerful tool that requires skilled users.

 

My wife and I have an open agreement in the last few years. I believe that, like in science, the correct answer to very complex problems is often elegant and simple. In our case, I envision my time as comprising three separate parts: work time, family time, and "me time." I choose how to spend the "me time" (when available) and may use some fraction of it on meeting others. Whatever happens in "my me time," cannot encroach on the other commitments.

 

Not all families are strictly centered around similar tastes, the house, kids, and the mortgage. Sometime, people live apart during the week for work-related reasons. Yet sometimes, married couples have quite different sexual fetishes. Different solutions for different situations.

 

\

[CaptainAndNurse 17]

Not for us... We're a team and are together on everything including our sexual activity. We are both turned on the most by watching the other one. To me it would feel almost like cheating! Just my opinion though... If it works for y'all then go for it as long as your a team as a couple and you both agree!

 

Nurse

[CaptainAndNurse 17]

Since your wife is on board with your three separate parts I think this is awesome for y'all.... I'm all about being a team and the couple agreeing on things together!

[CalendarGirl 148]

Fascinating discussion as always on Swingersboard.com! I'm single of course but I feel compelled to jump in. I think an open marriage can work when both parties separate sex from love. I entertain two gentlemen that are married. D is part of a swinging couple and his wife had a severe heart attack. She has not been cleared for any sexual activity much less swinging. She is the one that contacts me to ask permission for D to come visit. I am his only sexual partner at this time. E works in my town during the week but lives with his family 3 hours away. They both have playmates during the week and play together during the weekends. I have spoken to his wife several times and we are even trying to find a weekend to all play together. So, I would consider both these marriages open since it's not an occasional "hall pass" but a regular thing (and in D's case the only thing). I do not have ANY romantic feelings for either of these gentlemen and they do not have romantic feelings towards me. This is just sex. Of course I care about them, as fellow human beings and friends, not as potential life partners. If it moves into romantic feelings then I would not continue. I am single by choice (no, nothing is wrong with me despite what several on here seem to think) and have no plans on changing that any time soon. I try to never say never, but that's where I'm at right now.

 

I also met a couple several months ago that were very interesting. They had a small daughter and, as I'm apt to do, I asked lots of questions about what she knew or didn't know about their lifestyle. Mom, J, told me that her daughter was too young to know about sex but knows that Mom and Dad have lots of "friends". J told me that when her daughter is old enough she will be completely open the lifestyle. J feels that it is very empowering for her daughter to know that great sex does not equal love. That just because you have great sex with someone doesn't mean you will have a great marriage, marriage is much more than that. That sex is a recreational activity meant to be enjoyed, not an indicator of whether someone would make a great life partner. I was completely floored and in awe of this woman, 10 years my junior but decades more wise. It's exactly how I feel, empowered to be able to enjoy my sexuality! What a wonderful gift to give to a woman. After all, my mother married, and divorced, 4 times because "You have to be married to have sex."

 

The beautiful thing about this lifestyle is that you can really make it what you want and what works for you!

[SW_PA_Couple 4,023]

. . . J told me that when her daughter is old enough she will be completely open the lifestyle. J feels that it is very empowering for her daughter to know that great sex does not equal love. That just because you have great sex with someone doesn't mean you will have a great marriage, marriage is much more than that. . .

I know not what method, if any, you friends apply to this end. I hope they are not trying to apply undue influence on their young daughters by revealing exactly what Mommy and Daddy are doing with all of these friends. My belief is that children should be left free to make their own decisions about sex, relationships, religion and such. Answer them if they ask but do not try to bend their minds.

[CalendarGirl 148]

I know not what method, if any, you friends apply to this end. I hope they are not trying to apply undue influence on their young daughters by revealing exactly what Mommy and Daddy are doing with all of these friends. My belief is that children should be left free to make their own decisions about sex, relationships, religion and such. Answer them if they ask but do not try to bend their minds.

 

I completely understand your point and agree with you SW_PA_Couple, as I usually do!

 

I definitely believe it's an "answer them if they ask don't try to bend their minds" situation. They want to be completely open about sex, love, relationships and make sure their daughter understands the difference between love and sex. She talked a lot about wanting to be sure her daughter knows that it's OK to enjoy sex, a message that I wish I had been taught. That there is a community such as this, as well as other communities, she mentioned LGBT, fetishes, even celibacy too, that she can belong too. The bottom line is that she doesn't need to conform to the social "norms" but find something that truly makes her happy and fulfilled. We both hoped that it wouldn't even be an issue when her daughter was old enough to explore and make these decisions for herself. I probably should have offered more detail but didn't want to get long-winded. I have a tendency to do that! LOL!

[SW_PA_Couple 4,023]

. . . I probably should have offered more detail . . .

No, actually. That's why this Web site is all about "conversation". We do not arrive at truth right away. We arrive at truth maybe never. We work toward it.

[Dumuzi 18]

My wife and I are, once again, floating towards an open marriage. We explored it a few years ago, stumbled through some poly experiences, and finally came back to mono life for awhile. In the last few months we've started checking out the Pleasure Garden (swinger club) again. Now we're thinking/talking about doing the open marriage thing. Why all the vacillating? The first time around we had both made some poor decisions that dropped us into a situation where being open was a way to let off some steam and turn a potential disaster into an opportunity for growth and exploration. It worked better than we had hoped but not well enough to convince us that the lifestyle change was worth the necessary or beneficial in the long term. Now, however, years later, we're coming back around to take a second look at all of it (open, swinging, poly) in a more mindful, conscious, and conscientious way. We can feel the potential for wonderful things in opening our marriage, and this time we want to move slowly and really examine our motivations, fears, and hopes instead of just plunging headlong into something crazy.

 

Open marriage fits with our philosophy about how we want to live in the world with regards to open love, freedom, and a new perception/experience of what our love for each other can be.

[Sirramm 111]

My ex-wife and I had an open relationship/marriage and although I voted for neutral I have been on both ends of the spectrum at times. It was more bliss than disaster most of the time for us. I'm a freak of nature and got off then, and even now, thinking of my wife with another man getting sexually satisfied and then coming home to me filled with him and allowing me to go down on her while she tells me ALL ABOUT her 'date'. That's just me. It was equally exciting to her to go down on me tasting my date while I told her the details as well. Where the disaster came in was when one of her 'boyfriends' starting to have/get feelings deeper than JUST sexual adventures and started trying to get her to leave me, we didn't divorce because of sex or swinging but for other issues. At first it was a compliment to her and especially me that he would want her so badly as to try to convince her to leave me. While she and I had our 'rules', loved each other (at the time deeply) and trusted each other on all levels he failed to play by our standards. She ended up cutting him off and while he continued to try and see her he finally gave up and moved on.

 

DAMN I MISS THOSE DAYS!!!! LOL

[GoNatural 104]

Ancient thread here, but I really do love this topic.  I've been involved in polyamory where people aimed to have equal love in relationships, but the woman shared between the 3 of us was married to one of the guys.

 

I don't admire polyamory like I once did, after more than a decade of dating in a large poly community in a big city.  I still think allowing my partner to have 1 on 1 sex is great though.

 

I also think that if the guy is good at sex, and she see's him multiple times, it makes sense that some bonding would occur.   Can romantic love be stopped from forming?  I do think that it can be stifled by various rules.   The best rules aren't just "no romantic love".   Saying that without best practices in place is silly, but I see that all the time in the hotwifing and cuckolding world.   New couples fly with no rules about how frequently to communicate with or hookup with a new guy.

I think a little bit of feelings is probably natural, but people don't need to share in detail.  They can appreciate their sex partner in a platonic love.    To me, romance is about the TYPE of actions and behaviors, and not just about feelings (or ideas that run through people's minds).

 

There's not too many places online to be able to discuss this without people that feel very strongly about polyamory, or sport fucking, steam rolling the conversation, or giving super short blunt answers.