Should I tell my best friend about being bi/swinger?

[HappyMdCpl 52]

This question is directed mostly towards the ladies, but I welcome men to respond as well. I consider myself truly "bi" in the sense that I love exploring my sexual acts and fantasies with women, and also have "feelings" for women, in the same sense that I do men. My preference for porn is g/g, and I love embracing my "bi" side, and love that swinging allows this to take place, yet still stay in a loving relationship with my husband, who I love very much and wish to spend the rest of my life with, and have a family with. I am not sure if i would want a "girlfriend" in the sense that we are "dating" but my husband is very open minded if I want to explore a female fwb. Anyhow, I digress....

 

I have a best girl friend who I do also have some sexual feelings for. We are like sisters, and I feel that fantasy may be best left as a fantasy. But, sometimes the temptation is very strong. I love her as a friend so much, she is always hugging me and telling me she loves me and misses me. She wants "girl" time all the time w/ me. She compliments me at every chance. Its fun, we have a good time w/ it and I don't ever want to jeopardize our friendship. I think we both "play" with each others emotions and I don't think I would ever have the guts to "to there". My husband says the sexual tension is so fun to observe, and we chat and laugh after about the crazy things she says/does.

 

However, Lately, I have been getting turned on by her - one afternoon i laid down in her room to rest, and she came in and changed her shirt, and told me she loves going "braless" lately. I looked up at her, and she was looking at me seductively, wearing a very revealing tank top w/ her cleavage showing and no bra under. I was so turned on, and freaked out at the same time.

 

Last year (prior to swinging and being true to myself about my being bi), she invited me over to go swimming, and I was so sexually charged after I had to take a shower, and was fantasizing about her the whole time!

 

She has suggested "girls only" trips... and i pick up on many things that I can point to her also being bi.

 

I have wanted so badly to "come out" to her as a bi woman, and also a swinger, my husband jokes that "its not a matter of "if" but "when" with her. But, i think that is a fun joke and try not to take it seriously. I do find her husband also attractive, and would love to try swinging w/ them, ... but i don't think they would be open to it, and am too chicken to ask...

 

Anyhow, when is the fantasy best left as just that... a fantasy?

 

And, since we are "best friends" who tell each other everything, is it ever OK for me to be at least open with her about me being bi sexual? Does she have the right to know? Or is that something that I should keep to myself... ?

 

In a way, i am tempted to tell her, in another way, its almost more fun keeping it a secret..

 

Thanks for any advice here! Anyone have similar feelings?

[CXXC 435]

Oooooooo!!!!

This is a very difficult situation! I discussed your situation with Mrs. CXXC and came to this conclusion:

 

While you may, in the appropriate conversation, admit to your sexual proclivities, it would not be advisable to act upon them with her. Here are the reasons:

 

1. She may well be bi-sexual yet not comfortable with swinging, even if the activity were to be with you and you alone. The potential to ruin a friendship is too high. She may have thought about you in the same light, however, for some reason, she has not acted nor mentioned her being attracted to you in that way either.

 

This situation may well be a matter of her feeling and thinking the very same way you are. She too may be too worried to hurt the friendship with such forward advances. She may, on the other hand not feel or think as you do! It is a crap shoot. The down side would be, in action, you may well have hurt a deep and trusted relationship.

 

2. Fantasy is generally better than the reality! Mrs. CXXC believes that, with all the women out there who are admittedly bi, you should have no problem fulfilling your desires without taking the chance of ruining your friendship.

 

3. Swinging is all about open and honest communication. This fact alone would make any move toward the realization of your fantasy problematic at best. Let us say for arguments sake that you tell your friend. She in turn admits to you the very same feelings and desires. You both are left with no other alternative but to discuss this matter with your spouses. If you act without her husband’s approval (your Hubble already thinks this would be fun for you) you are enabling the friend to harbor a lie through omission and she will then be cheating on him. Cheating is against the core philosophy of the lifestyle.

 

Mrs. CXXC works with a few women with whom she would simply LOVE to play. She too shares your desires and thoughts with several ladies she has built a deep and loving friendship with. To her, the sexual tension and banter are enough to sustain her fantasies. The only time she comes close to enacting these desires is in our bed, in discussion to heighten the passion and fun of our sexual union.

 

Our vote? Don't! Friends are very hard to come by. Deep and true friends are even more difficult to find!

 

Good luck!

[Swing*8701 887]

Most 'vanilla' people are very much into their Systems. They have been rendered so inert by them, most will protect them and that means shunning anyone they feel is beyond the boundaries of that System. And Swinging is very far beyond those boundaries. My experience is that they simply cannot process the idea. That's it.

[HappyMdCpl 52]

Thanks for the great responses.

 

Im glad to hear im not the only one..

 

I probobly should have mentioned this already happened w/ another GF who was not a best friend, rather a newer friend who was actually hubbys client turned pals who came to our parties, bbq's etc.

 

The first time they invited us to their house, after knowing them for 2 years, and having gone to their wedding, we got way too drunk, and mistakenly opened up to my friend about swinging (we were just tossing the idea around at that time, as hubby and I were honestly having some relationship issues at the time which we realized were more related to his depression but i should note here, that swinging likely got us through this really tough time, be it good choice or not, i feel in some ways, it did save our marriage)... i digress...My gf opened up to me that night she has had 3 somes and believes all girls are bi. She really pursued me that night, and we made out (behind our hubbys backs) several times. It was really hot, and really passionate. (it was my official first time kissing a female). My hubby smelled something was up, and kept coming to check on us. I of course confessed to him on the way home (i was really drunk) and he was actually OK w/ it (a little offended at first, but later was glad i had the experience and was happy she opened me up to the idea of swinging and my bi side etc)... Her hubby was ok w/ it too, and ended up wanted a 3some w/ me (but wanted to exclude my hubby... i was not ok with doing it either way). I dont regret our g/g fun at all, but our friendship has been strained ever since, and I have no idea how to go back to being a normal friend after that, LOL, so i should know already from this experience, to avoid "going there" again. I honestly think she has thoughts that it might happen again, and since I now swing, i see no reason to "go there" w/ friends. I never was able to figure out how to tell her this w/o offending her. She called me recently for the first time since that night a few mo's ago (we were texting/emailing since)... and she said she wanted to get drinks and go out.. I hope she has nothing else in mind!

 

I guess i answered my own question as usual... but Sometimes i just need to have what I already know affirmed by others to smack some sense into me.

[DiscreetDesires 32]

The same scenario that happened with your original post, happened to me about a year ago.

 

I had been friends with this girl since a child, lost connection and then re-connected as adults.

 

I came out to her about being bi since we were so close, and also told her that hubby and I were in the lifestyle.

 

I told her that she did not have to worry about me being bisexual or the swinging, but it was something that I needed to tell her so I was completely honest with her.

 

She took my being bisexual great, and she then admitted to me that she had always felt an attraction towards women, but had never acted upon it.

 

She asked questions and we had many long discussions regarding bisexuality, and in the course of time developed a closer relationship that involved sexual encounters between the two of us.

 

She never had an interest in the lifestyle, which was fine by me. It's not for everyone.

 

Her hubby and herself started having marital issues and at that time, I told her that it was best if her and I only had a strictly platonic friendship until the issues resolved that they needed to work things out without any outsiders and focus on their marriage.

 

They soon began going to some of the lifestyle clubs and joining the community that we are a part of.

 

I do not believe they got into the lifestyle during an appropriate time in their marriage relationship, but that is none of my business.

 

Our friendship and relationship with each other has soured due to other issues, but I would imagine that our involvement posed as a spring board to issues they may have been having already in their marriage.

 

Friends aren't the best to start a more sexual relationship with.. in at least my experiences.

 

Would I tell her that I was bi again, and maybe even a swinger? Probably so, but I wouldn't go there with her sexually.

 

I hate being dishonest to my closest friends, and for me that would be disclosing that part of me and my life. I just wouldn't go there with her.

[JustAskJulie 2,595]

 

While you may, in the appropriate conversation, admit to your sexual proclivities, it would not be advisable to act upon them with her. Here are the reasons:

 

 

I have to agree with this. As best friends, if you truly do tell each other everything then it's possible that you are BOTH holding something major back. It may strengthen your friendship to get it out there in the open. However, I wouldn't suggest taking it further either, because she is your best friend and it is a huge risk to take. Even if things went great initially (sexually) there are so many risks of things breaking down over the long haul and you losing your best friend, that IMO it's not worth taking it further.

[Swing*8701 887]

As they say, Sex will get you naked, friendship lays you bare.

[HappyMdCpl 52]

Thanks very much for the replies. I am on the fence about telling her still, but at least its reassuring to know Im not the only one out there struggling w/ this. As I mentioned in the 2nd post, i told another g/f and she took it as to suggest i was interested in being sexual w/ her. I guess, to a degree, at that time, I was. And, I need to check my motives before I were to confess to my bf, as I want to be sure its something I need to simply get off my chest, rather then be it granting permission for her and I to fool around... more and more... i think i should just leave things be.

[2LFM 15]

I think that is the best option. I am a firm believer of complete openess in friendships. If your friend is truely worthy of your friendship, she should be able to accept your sexuality and lifestyle. I dont think you need to come onto her, just tell her you are bi, and a swinger, and if she takes that well, then maybe, you tell her you are interested into her.

 

I have admited to several close friends that we were in the lifestyle, 1 of them I admited my attraction to, and one that we admitted we were both attracted to. We made it clear to all of them, that we just wanted to be open with them, be able to talk to them, that even the ones we were interested in, that we were not propositioning them, if maybe oneday something happened, then great, but for now, we just wanted our friends. And wanted to be able to be ourselves with them.

[biplayfulcouple 20]

We came out to some of our close friends (a non lifestyle but very sexual, married couple) and told them about our attraction for them. Not only did they accept and embrace it, but they told us about their long time attraction for us. And here we are, living happily ever after. So yes Virginia, there is a Santa Clause!

 

You all just need to have some serious girl talk and agree upon some things before you get started. Best of luck!

[lradv 15]

Hopefully this doesn't sound too silly...we've used movies to gauge someone's reaction, something like say Mulholland Drive. You say she wants to spend a lot of "girl time" with you, maybe the right movie could help open up a conversation.

[Lascivious L&L 866]

Whenever this issue comes up there seems to be a polarization of responses. Some feel it's risky to approach a friend in any way sexually. Others feel that friendship, real friendship, means sharing who you are and not keeping something this important to you from your friend.

 

Is it risky? Of course it is. Friendship is risky, especially close friendship. It takes work and committment to keep a real friendship, just as it does a relationship, because that's what it is. You have to decide if you wish to risk a real friendship, or just an acquaintance friendship.

 

In my view of life, real closeness is not attained by not risking real openness. We all have nice acquaintance friendships where the friend really doesn't know you, the real you, the deeper you. To experience a deep friendship is a special pleasure indeed, but involves risking revealing the real you.

 

Remember that acquaintance friendship can have moments that feel very close. If you risk revealing, it can turn out to actually be just an acquaintance friend and not survive deepening. In fact exactly that may happen most of the time. Deep friendship is not easy to find. And you'll likely never find it if you're not willing to risk revealing yourself.

[HappyMdCpl 52]

Hi there, I just wanted to say a BIG thank you to all of you for these great responses. I am gearing up to admit to my friend about my "bi-ness" now that I am in a FWB type relationship w/ a woman, and feel it is best to keep my friendship w/ BF, and sexual exploration totally separate. Wish me luck. I have a plan, I hope I don't chicken out, LOL. Hubby is behind me, i only hope she is understanding and doesn't judge me. But, then again, if it is more then just a acquaintanceship, it should survive this.

 

Especially to Lascivious L&L your post is simply stunning. Thank you for it. AMAZING advice and insight.

[appliancesex 66]

I know this is late, but i want to add a different perspective altogether. I doubt it matters anyway since you seem to have made up your mind about it long ago anyway.

 

Firstly, you say that you can "pick up on many things that point to her also being bi," but how can you be sure that you aren't simply projecting those emotions onto her because in all honesty it would be so much easier if she was. what's worse is if she is a real closet case and feels that those same feelings that she has might make her betray her husband and she's been burying them for years. even worse, having a best friend (you) who is also bi could mean that the influence to do something outside of her norm would be detrimental to her relationship with her husband.

 

All that is assuming that she is in fact bi. Perhaps an equally accurate assumption is that she is straight, and just happens to be really cool. I mean, you are best friends.

 

That said, I would argue against the sentiment that if your friendship is so strong, then it should be able to hold up under any circumstances. If you come out to her, she probably will wonder what your motives are. she might think, "why, after all these years, is she coming out to me? is she secretly attracted to me?" if she is straight (and i am only looking at this from the point of view as to me coming out to a really good straight friend), this could be devastating. If I were to put myself in your friends shoes (which are probably smaller than my own. just sayin'), it would mean that all the closeness you two have shared over the years would be put into jeopardy. questions like 'what did she really mean when she said this?' or 'what were her real intentions when she did this?'

 

These wouldn't be unusual reactions to have, and it could change the dynamics of your relationship.

 

I'm not saying that you should never come out to your friend, but I would wait until your intentions are pure. If she freaks out and asks you incredulously about your m.o., you could be cornered into telling her that 'at one time you were interested, but because you have a fwb, you aren't anymore.' That opens a whole can of worms because swinging might not be accepted to her at all either. It's just cheating to most vanilla friends I know.

 

These are just things i think are important to consider before you decide to come out to someone else. I think it's important to weigh the situation out like, do you value your friendship more or do you think it's more important to express your feelings toward her?

[HappyMdCpl 52]

Hi all - I wanted to come back to this thread since its still a huge issue for me. Funny how dealing with my best friend is more difficult (mentally for me) then dealing w/ my hubby and family .... sheesh:rollseye:.. lol

 

So - I never ended up telling my BF that I have a GF or that hubby and I swing (well, technically, i am in a poly relationship w/ my hubby and GF, and from time to time, the 3 of us play, but we keep it just the 3 for now)... I am too indecisive about it to feel comfortable telling her about it...

 

Also, I think I forgot to mention a important aspect/detail in my original post... about 2 years ago, my friend asked me to be in her will as 3rd in line guardian for her child, in the horrible event that she and her husband died, and then her parents and family also died. So, hubby and I are 3rd in line. I guess I have been thinking, since so much about my life has changed since she asked us to be his guardian (in that pretty rare chance that we needed to step up), and it makes me wonder and feel really guilty about not telling her.

 

I can tell she senses something is up. My GF and I are legit now, and my BF and i have grown apart a bit. I sense my BF may be jealous of my GF or at least wonder whats up w/ us. I have brought GF around a few times, as a "friend" only, but my GF wears rainbow peace sign earrings lol, and is from another country which is more sexual... she doesn't hide it as much as i do... I am terrified of BF finding out. she is very religious and conservative, and i am not that way at all now. I guess I am worried about what she would think if she knew the truth. I know she wouldn't approve. Even if she deep down were really bisexual.... which I think she is, but I realize that is a mute point now.

 

Do I just leave things be? Or tell her? Uugh, I am so confused.... this is hard.... BF is making me feel like what I'm doing is wrong, and I haven't even told her yet. And, I can tell, my GF is a little annoyed that my BF consumes me like this. BF is amazing person, I love her and our friendship... but I feel like I might need to come clean to her... I just don't want to have regrets... we have a really nice, big circle of friends I don't want to lose. :/

[funcoupledayton 2,708]

Your gf is going to be leaving the US at the end of the year, correct? I would not tell your best friend right now since this is a temporary situation, and wouldn't affect any possible guardianship agreements if something happened.

 

You could bring up the topic of swinging to her in a casual, non-specific way. "I was reading this article about married women who are bi...." and see how she reacts. That might help you know better how she would react if you told her.

[Guest rdy46227]

Anything interesting happen in the last month?

[HappyMdCpl 52]

HI all.... well I wish I could report that I told my friend and all is well. BUT, the total opposite ended up happening!

 

So, my GF and I are still together, but shes leaving in apx 1 month. my BF and hubby just threw me an awesome surprise bday party! it was awesome. After my bday, I decided OK, NOW is the time (for various reasons, she has been talking non stop about GAYS to me each and every single time we hang out, and I felt it was just time finally).

 

I had prepared an email a few mo's ago, which I really liked. It was kind of long, but explained I am bisexual, have a GF, and open marriage all in a nutshell. IDK in hindsight if it was TMI. :/

 

BUT, we got together, and right away she said "Spit it out! Please!" and she got nervous saying she was going to die of a heart attack b/c she hated anticipation. So, I nicely said that I really wanted to read this letter, that I was too chicken to send a few mo's ago when I wrote it. And, that I promised to get right to the point.

 

So... I'm reading the letter, I get to the part about being Bi-sexual... and she looks at me and says "So, your in love with me, you think I'm beautiful" or something of that nature (the shock kind of tainted my memory). And I said "um" and she said "Am I right!?" and I was like "wait, I need to finish reading".. (oy vey)... I continue on for a while more, about my GF (who she knows now), and marriage and such. She had tears on her face, I was so scared we were holding hands while I read.

 

A few times she was like "i have had feelings for you, but I never wanted to act upon them for our friendship"... "i have thought you were really attractive, but I don't have an open marriage" ... and at the very end, I think she felt dumb or let down, she said "You scared me so much before! I thought you were going to say you were leaving your H and were in love with me!"..... She cried as I read a letter to her that I wrote. I admitted also that my hubb. and gf and I were in a 3-some only a few times, but that my focus was w/ my GF, and my hubb and her just have a friendship, and we have boundaries and such in place.

 

So, houston we have a problem here. My friend doesnt just find me attr, she loves me :/ and I told her, that even if the feelings were mutual from me, its not a good idea ever to "go there" with friends.

 

I think that really upset her. She is in a very vanilla, closed marriage. IDK if she can swallow this concept of poly, GF etc....

 

But, she did admit she too was Bi-sexual, and named many friends (mutual) that are also Bi.

 

I told her she could tell her husband, but only him. I went back to her house but she was being awkward and I felt the vibes that I needed to get going. (odd for her, normally very cool w/ me being at her house)

 

IDK if I went too far into detail, but she was pretty OK about it, but then, when I was leaving, she seemed so sad, like heart broken. she was confused, saying random things, and I guess, had these feelings for me. But, she said she can't judge me, only God can judge us.

 

I wasn't looking for her approval, rather just to let her know of a huge thing in my life.

 

But, after I left I BBM'd her that I was so happy I told her and felt much better, then she BBM'd me saying "be careful and I still love you". (I guess as a friend).

 

I wrote another email and bbm, but she set her status as "busy", then put a "broken heart" picture as her bbm pic. and thats it today. NO communication at all.

 

I guess she needs space w/ this. I am so sad, crying to my husband last night and tonight like I feel horrible. I know she was going to to her husband too,I told her he is the only other one to tell. I do trust her a lot. I love her so much, as a friend. And, as I mentioned earlier, I knew there was more then that. WTF do I do now!?

 

The 3 people I can talk to about this say that I need to give her a lot of space. But, is space enough to save this friendship? I am scared! I don't want to lose this amazing amazing person.

 

She was even saying how I should come out to my family, and tell my siblings (who she suspect are also bi, or gay).

 

UGH... this i guess was the worst possible scenario.

 

I know my friend too, she will make herself sick and isolate herself for weeks in her bed.

 

My hubby says if it gets that bad, he and her husband (who are friends) will get us 2 together to talk, but that is like a worse case intervention. We can't force her to agree or understand. I suppose only time can heal us.

 

But, part of me is angry with her! I feel like coming out to her was a huge step for me. Perhaps all I should have done was to say "I'm bi" and not much else. I guess all the other stuff was too much. IDK? but even then, she would have said she liked/loved me, and such.

 

It's so hard... I am in a lot of hell right now. I feel like someone died

 

Advice is appreciated. Thanks

[bbarnsworth 2,637]

This is post facto, but... I used to write long letters to girlfriends when I was much, much younger. Everytime, it seemed to backfire, or not get the hoped for response. I gave up on it. I distinctly remember writing the last one and then ripping it up thinking to myself, "Self, you're an idiot". NOT saying you are! Just relating my own experience. Now, it's water under the bridge..so how to handle the situation as it is now?

 

Tricky. She definitely needs time to wrap her head around this, refocus, and get to a place of understanding. She's not there right now. It may take her a while to get there, but right now you're desperate for answers. It's easier for you; you've spent a long time thinking about this. She hasn't; this is all new territory for her.

[The Fuse 1,012]

I am so sorry for your grief.

 

Like bbarnsworth, I've made more than my share of mistakes in life that happened because, in a nutshell, I said too much.

 

I know your friend needs some space. But if you hang back too much, she may let the dark thoughts take over. I wouldn't say too much (see above) or get in her face or anything. But I think when someone's confused and having the thoughts she must be having, it's important for her to know that you're the same person you were before you had the conversation.

 

Whatever has transpired, or feelings that are out in the open, you still care for her, she still cares for you. You still have each other's best interests at heart. You still each want the other to be happy. And, I presume, you still want her in your life, and want to know how that can happen. This would maybe put the ball in her court and focus her a little on telling you how you can go forward, as opposed to thinking bad thoughts. She'll still think bad thoughts, but she'll know you want to go forward, and hopefully that would help.

 

I think that message, or something similar, is worth conveying, and hopefully would ground her somewhat at a time when her thoughts are swirling confusedly. I don't know how you should convey it... in person seems more emotionally honest, but maybe too much right now. Perhaps a voice mail would take away some of the tension, or a note, or card.

 

I wish you the best. Also, I hope you come back and tell us more as time goes on.

[Guest rdy46227]

This is post facto, but... I used to write long letters to girlfriends when I was much, much younger. Everytime, it seemed to backfire, or not get the hoped for response. I gave up on it. I distinctly remember writing the last one and then ripping it up thinking to myself, "Self, you're an idiot". NOT saying you are! Just relating my own experience. Now, it's water under the bridge..so how to handle the situation as it is now?

 

Tricky. She definitely needs time to wrap her head around this, refocus, and get to a place of understanding. She's not there right now. It may take her a while to get there, but right now you're desperate for answers. It's easier for you; you've spent a long time thinking about this. She hasn't; this is all new territory for her.

 

My experience, exactly. Resist pushing the situation for a resolution.

 

When you do have contact (even if indirectly by hubby to hubby), let her know you unconditionally accept her no matter what her feelings or desires.

 

PS: I was really rooting for you to connect!

[HappyMdCpl 52]

so, thanks all for your support.

 

BF and I did reconnect. She invited me to her house, to talk to her and her H. I was kind of hesitant, but I figured what the heck, and went anyhow. They both had talks with me, they both tried to wrap their heads around my choices. I was a bit upset when they (BF went to school for psychology and her H was a counselor) kind of tried to explain I was F'd up in the head in the nicest way possible. That I was sexually abused (sort of true, but just was a bit taken advantage of and was sexual at a young age, nothing super tragic), but BF who was truly abused sexually said her being Bi is due to that, and women are a comfort to her. She said it all very matter of fact, like I was completely wrong, having an affair and a huge sinner in Gods eyes. It made me feel pretty tiny and small. I hate that but I was able to get my views across while understanding too she was pretty angry w/ me, but needed time to process and take it all in. I shook her world upside down.

 

BF changed her tune about feelings for me, we didn't discuss that at all in front of her H. (but we did privately). She sort of said even if her and I ever did anything together, it wouldn't mean anything b/c it was based on our abuse / issues. I still have a hard time understanding that, I think shes projecting her views upon me but I just kind of went with it since I don't have much research to back up my views. She also was saying my GF is like demonic, and dark, etc. I was like OY VEY but i just have to humor her sometimes... she gets all kinds of "vibes" but how do I tell her that I think sometimes her vibes are totally off. Like she said some things about my H and marriage that I know are not true, I have talked to my H and he assures me things like that she says are not true.

 

It is hard, I don't want to go into too much detail, but I ended up almost breaking things off w/ my GF at one point, per my BF's advice. My poor GF whose leaving in a few weeks, and we have a trip planned soon, was hysterical... crying, saying how much she loved me... I ended up hating myself for doing it to her, and thankfully she and I are fine now.

 

Its hard... coming out like this... to people who are super right wing conservative. im sure things will be weird... I did tell 2 other friends, who took it well. But, I'm good as far as telling anyone else.

 

Now the questions I am pondering are.....

 

-is there something wrong with me that is making me bisexual or is it a natural, OK thing?

-if I am a Christian (I haven't been practicing for a while) then why am I doing this considering I'm married?

-Should I have ever come out at all.....and now will my friendships ever be the same...

-when my GF leaves, should I pursue a GF ever again or is this too much for me / my marriage to handle

 

I suppose only I can answer these questions...but if anyone has any insights, they are welcome.

 

Thanks all.

[WhatisTruth 41]

-if I am a Christian (i haven't been practicing for a while) then why am I doing this considering I'm married?

Thanks all.

 

 

Happy,

 

I can't comment on most of your post as I don't know you or your situation well enough. The only thing I can offer help with is the Christian aspect.

 

I never suggest people to act against their conscious, even if their beliefs are totally unfounded. Sometimes what's ok for one person is not ok for another. This is based upon the belief that God has an absolute will relative to every situation. You have to figure out God's will for your marriage, and nobody can tell you what is right or wrong except for God Himself.

[slevin 1,374]

B-sexuality is not something that is based in abuse. Your friend is wrong; there are plenty of people, both men and women, who have never been abused in any form that are bi-sexual.

 

My personal opinion here: as much as I may love my friends, anyone who treated me in this way when I opened up to them would be removed from inner circle of friends. They would no longer be people I went to with my deepest feelings. However well intentioned their reaction may have been, that is manipulative and not in the spirit of friendship in my opinion. Do my friends have to agree with me? Absolutely not. I do expect my friends to respect my decisions, ask questions about my decisions, engage in healthy dialog with me, share their perspective. I won't ever put up with someone reacting in the way you describe your friend.

 

Also, the fact that she would not open up about her feelings in front of her husband speaks volumes.

[Guest rdy46227]

I'm sorry you had to go through all this.

 

I'd say I can't believe it, but I've seen it a few times before. Otherwise healthy and rational people surrender to religion and feelings of guilt, etc. and reject gays based on biblical/church doctrine/community morality.

 

Then they have to justify it, and generally quote scripture or "God said". In your case, you got the "homosexuality is a disease, get yourself cured" justification, though couched in psychological lingo since they are metal health career people.

 

From your story, I see that there's a lot of drama in GF's family and that she is generally following her hubby's lead. That may be the easiest way for her to get through all this based on her priorities (e.g subsuming herself to her marriage).

 

It's too bad that they can't be totally honest with each other (and you), but pick a course of action to make themselves feel better and/or appear socially correct by community standards (which might well be their standard too, but I think I remember you saying the were liberal/open).

 

-is there something wrong with me that is making me bisexual or is it a natural, OK thing?

 

You're not wrong at all. Sexual orientation is a function of the person, primarily nature, but also nurture. In other words, your orientation was chosen before you were born. You may have had to work it out in your life, but you turned out just fine.

 

Bi-sexuality as a natural option, and in the eyes of many, everyone is bi to some extend if they are objective and can get past early indoctrination. Personally, I think many, but not all, are open to bi-experiences once they put aside early negative conditioning.

 

As Wood Allen said, being bi doubles your chance of getting a date. Nothing wrong with being able to love either sex; nothing wrong with preferring one sex. Bi people get extra experiences, and experience is what you came here for.

 

-if I am a Christian (I haven't been practicing for a while) then why am I doing this considering I'm married?

 

Jesus taught the law of love, applied to one's situation. Thus he had no problems telling the Jewish lawyers why their rules were not the greatest good for a particular situation when their rule got in the way of doing the right (loving) thing.

 

The traditional marriage vows are kind of a "worst case" thing where it's better to do nothing that to do something and get it wrong. Plus, the rules are biased towards a small village, static society, highly traditional, non-questioning, closed society where differences are discouraged.

 

I'm pleased that you think enough of yourself and the people you interact with that you are wiling to love more than one person, and that you have have a marriage firm enough to allow sexual expression toward them.

-Should I have ever come out at all.....and now will my friendships ever be the same...

You risked. The question of whether you lost or not is still open, because the answer isn't black and white.

 

I hope you haven't lost your friendship, but then it may be for the best in the long run. This might be what causes her to question internally, and perhaps causes her to see relationships in a new light. Or she may be so closed minded that she and her hubby condemn you. The truth (as always), is in the middle.

 

Let this thing age a bit before you write it off as a bad experience. She may come back to you as a friend, but not a lover, as she balances her life against her hubby's dictates.

-when my GF leaves, should I pursue a GF ever again or is this too much for me / my marriage to handle

 

Good grief, Charlie Brown. Your marriage doesn't seem to be the problem. If I read and recall correctly, it's her (and her hubby) who have caused your pain. Your hubby seems supportive and accepting.

 

So why are you worried about your marriage?

 

If the situation comes up again, I'd still encourage you to go for it if it appears reasonable to everyone.

 

Ever wonder why dogs hang their heads out the car window with the wind at 35 MPH? It's because the experience is worth the adversity.

 

Only you can decide, if the opportunity comes again, if you want the experience. I'd wait for it to come, and evaluate it. I wouldn't unconditionally decide to discourage the opportunity from every coming to you again.

[HornyPisces20 15]

I say, just come out and tell her, then hunker down and wait for the after math.

 

I have overheard discussions about me, that I wasn't supposed to.

 

One was two wives saying to each other, "he is a very good looking man". The other said, "yes he is, but don't say anything, you will just start trouble".

 

As a result, nothing happened. Two ships (three) passing in the night.

 

The worst that can happen is that you will loose her. Probably less aftermath then that if she really isn't bi though.

 

If she is truly a friend, she will understand.

 

I get hit on hard by gays. I don't like it at all. If they are a friend, then I tell them "I don't go that way, but I'll take it as a compliment, and thanks for that". It puts distance between you for sure, but that is ok because you now both know where you stand. "The truth will set you free (eventually anyway)".

 

You'll never know if she has the same for you until you tell her. Life is all a risk. Nothing ventured, nothing gained. Don't be a Cereno Bergerac and look back when it is too late and wonder "what it could have been"?

 

Do it. If she's a friend, she will understand either way.

[HappyMdCpl 52]

Hi all, thanks a million for your replys.

 

I guess its relevant to mention, my hubby and I went through a very hard time about 1 year ago. We had HUGE financial stress (well mostly he did, I was not in charge and was in denial mode about it) and we since sold our house, but it almost cost our marriage. Thankfully, we saved it, and we love one another VERY much now.

 

Oddly, my friend is now sorry she helped me to stay in this marriage. She feels like it is her fault that she pushed me to stay married. Well - I had to tell her that I wanted this marriage to work more then anything! The swinging stuff that came about was part of our journey/exploration.

 

I suppose she has the best for me at heart, but I have made it clear this is my journey, and all I need her to do is to be my friend. I honestly was really upset when in coming out to her, her first reaction was to think/make it about her.

 

My GF told me that if she came out to anyone, and they didn't accept her she would say a big "FU" and be done w/ it. I wish I could be as strong sometimes. Part of me is bitter against them. But, they were adamant they just don't want anything to come back to bite me in the a$$ later.

 

In a nut shell, they don't get the swinging / open marriage / polyamory thing what so ever, b/c they think you have a problem that your just covering up by doing such things or a void to fill, and that there are healthier ways to fill them / heal.

 

My BF rattles off "factoids" like they are 100% true, I ought to challenge them more. She is a great friend, sometimes however she tries to control my life and outcome, which from recent exchanges, we decided that she would no longer try to do that, and instead she will pray to God for my best outcome according to his will. (I don't really pray so to speak, I simply just communicate with "God")

 

Honestly, I struggle w/ religion. I was raised Catholic, with lots of guilt, dogma and I feel it hurt my self esteem (went to C. School, church twice a week, nuns being very hurtful to me, etc). BF converted to Catholicism recently, and she has a child (i do not).

 

Well...... if our friendship is meant to weather this storm, it will. She finally admitted she doesn't have all the answers. I suggested we both read some books together, to discuss them sort of like a book club, so we have a sort of common ground or friendly debates... but when I suggest books, (Divine Sex for example) she writes them off as the devils work and full of errors etc.

 

I guess her and I just have to agree to disagree, and not talk much about this anymore.

 

It does hurt me that she can't feel open like I do, but her life isn't where mine is. All I can say is that I do have other friends who are totally there for me, not challenging me and not trying to change me. Maybe they are all F'd up just like me, or perhaps they are real friends.

 

Only time will tell. Thanks all..... keep the comments coming, I really enjoy them. I believe all our experiences and stories help each other very much. That is why I am posting mine so publicly.

 

[bbarnsworth 2,637]

HappyMdCpl, you and your friend are in different places on several subjects. There may be no bridging the gaps on those subjects. That doesn't necessarily mean the end of friendship.

 

I have friends with whom I'd never consider discussing swinging. They're great friends. One couple in particular, we rely on quite a bit for a number of things, and they on us. I think they'd be horrified to find out we're swingers, and they'd probably disown us. But, we're not friends with them to get support or acceptance in being swingers. There's some things we expect from the friendship, and some things we don't.

 

Your friend doesn't have to be everything to you. You can rely on her, I'm sure, to be certain things to you, and she on you. Indeed, agree to disagree, and move on from the topic. Not that it's a third rail in your friendship, but that you value other things from the friendship and continuing to discuss things you don't agree on isn't helping either of you.

 

I disagree with your GF to an extent about the "FU" part, the basic idea being if you don't accept me, go away. The only person in this world that knows everything about me that I can think of to tell is my wife. Nobody else does, and I don't expect anyone else to accept every single thing about me. Now, if a given friend found out that I'm a swinger, freaked out, and started treating me terribly because I am a swinger, and refused to back off or even reasonably discuss the issue, then yeah I'd probably disconnect myself from them and move on. But, if the friend instead said "Well, I'm disappointed in your choices, but they're your choices and I'm still your friend" then no problem.

 

So where do you really think this is with your friend? Is she going to be constantly bothered by your revelations to her and not be able to maintain a friendship with you, or ...?

[HornyPisces20 15]

There is a philosophy that stated very simply says, "what doesn't kill you makes you stronger."

 

I learned partnership at a fairly early age. What I learned that 1+1=2, not 1/2+1/2=1. In other words it takes 100% of both of you and then some. It ain't easy but it usually is money that causes the grief, not sex.

 

The only way I see it is I signed on for this willingly and "no one gets out alive".

 

To me that means I do everything I can do to make it work. Some people just need to evolve into a greater being. Religion doesn't evolve, it is fundamentalist and cause guilt issues.

 

What ever happened to that "We Fuck for Jesus" group?

[HornyPisces20 15]

I want to apologize for some of the insensitivity in my last post. My excuse is that I didn't read everything above, or reread it or something? I wish there was an edit option here?

 

I'm so sorry for the negative reaction that you got.

 

What I am seeing now is that your friend thought you were coming out as gay, I think, for her. I don't think that she understands the "open" concept at all, or else she doesn't accept it and wants just you?

 

Either way, there are so many crossed signals by her. You I think were clear.

 

Maybe think of it this way, you know how some swingers can't get over the jealousy part right at the beginning, then because of that, can't do it at all any more? Looks a little like that.

 

The only thing to do is "set her free...". No one died. It feels like it though, like a breakup?

 

It's all TMI for her at the moment. Some people can only be monogamous. It's an insecurity thing.

 

I think you had to do it to clear the air. If she is your friend, she will be back. All you can do is be hers? She needs time to digest all the information, review it, and re-review it, and re-review it, to get the picture. It looks though like she doesn't want to share you?

 

Best of luck.

[HappyMdCpl 52]

Thanks all ------sooooo much!

 

I have a vacation coming up in less then 1 week w/ H & GF, were all SO excited to go, but my BF holds this guilt shit over me, and its SUCH a buzz kill. (she knows about the vaca and doesn't approve )

 

I am concerned b/c my GF is leaving in less then 1 month. but since I told my BF about her, I have been uninspired to hang out w/ her and make plans. The cruise was booked a while back, so were all going,... but my BF and her H words echo around inside my head and its getting to me...

 

Itold BF about several forums I post on and she says the devil will use any means to communicate, OI VEY, and other crap like that and its getting inside MY HEAD!

 

My husband is so great, he loves me so much, he feels bad that he encouraged me to tell BF, but he had NO idea she would react like this... he honestly saw the same signs that I did that she would be totally open to hearing this...

 

Now things are weird. I have given her a lot of space, but I feel like our friendship will never be the same, like a poster above said, like a break up of sorts.

 

So here is my question. Do I tell my BF what she wants to hear? Lie essentially to her, so she feels better about me and us. Or, should I be totally honest w/ her? Or honest, but just not TMI? She told me she was mostly hurt b/c she was feeling betrayed, but honestly, I think she really just either has strong feelings for me (she even said at one point "aren't I enough for you") be it friendship or more...

 

Someone above mentioned its like jealousy in the beginning of swinging (actually, something my BF asked me about, lol...and she totally couldn't wrap her mind around my enjoying seeing H w/ other W) and I just wanted to relate to that, b/c I was jealous too, but that totally changed to much more pleasure later. So... I will just let it go, and relax about it. I will let her come to me, and let her make plans w/ me. I think she is REALLY jealous as a person, she even told me shes VERY loyal, and that she hates being lied to and such. So, I will give it more time, so we both can feel out this friendship. Thanks so much all, it helps right now, a lot that you all are there for me, as is my hubby.

[slevin 1,374]

So here is my question. Do I tell my BF what she wants to hear? Lie essentially to her, so she feels better about me and us. Or, should I be totally honest w/ her? Or honest, but just not TMI? She told me she was mostly hurt b/c she was feeling betrayed, but honestly, I think she really just either has strong feelings for me (she even said at one point "aren't I enough for you") be it friendship or more...

 

Someone above mentioned its like jealousy in the beginning of swinging (actually, something my BF asked me about, lol...and she totally couldn't wrap her mind around my enjoying seeing H w/ other W) and I just wanted to relate to that, b/c I was jealous too, but that totally changed to much more pleasure later. So... I will just let it go, and relax about it. I will let her come to me, and let her make plans w/ me. I think she is REALLY jealous as a person, she even told me shes VERY loyal, and that she hates being lied to and such. So, I will give it more time, so we both can feel out this friendship. Thanks so much all, it helps right now, a lot that you all are there for me, as is my hubby.

 

Personally, I would be honest with her. I wouldn't offer up details and I wouldn't bring up my open relationships with her. I wouldn't seek her advice on my relationships. I would be open if she asked, but I would decline to provide details. Essentially, I wouldn't hide what I do, but I also wouldn't expect to discuss it with her either. Just like I don't talk about skiing with my football friends.

 

For the second paragraph; people say a lot of things. Don't listen to what she says, look at her actions and what she does. Let that guide your perspective about her and her intentions. Also, look at how you feel after you interact with her. If she isn't bringing positive emotions to your life, then why continue with it? Friends should add happiness to your life, not sadness and negative feelings.

[HornyPisces20 15]

You said things feel weird now?

 

OK. Here's a pretty dumb quote, from a silly chick flick (my wife finds it amazing that I watch chick flicks, LOL) BUT I really do think that it applies.

 

It goes something like this: "how does a girl fall down a rabbit hole and come out on the other side unchanged? Answer: she doesn't".

 

It wasn't curiosity killed the cat, it was jealousy. What does the swingers survey say is the most difficult and maybe the most leathal thing to over come? Jealousy maybe? I think so. Get over it and that's what sets you free, and instills trust in your partner. In my opinion.

 

Some people can't get over it and it also means they are possessive and controlling.

 

Hang in there. The truth will set everyone free, and I predict she will be back but remember YOU freed a previously suppressed part of her. It doesn't matter whether conscious or unconscious. She is a new person now too.

 

Hope you will like the new her?

 

Best babe.

[HappyMdCpl 52]

Thanks all... so nice to hear all your responses at a trying time. So, she did come back around today, called me and we chatted for a while. She told me shes been really depressed for past 2 weeks ... she went through all the reasons why. she cried to me .... wow... but after all this, shes still happy I told her. :/

 

She was pretty critical of me and my H still, told me we are not stable and all such things. I let her vent, I guess shes still angry. I would rather her get it all out. But, later I had to send her a email with my thoughts after everything settled. She and I went back and fourth and it ended on a good note.

 

I have a feeling its my GF that is the big problem. But, she even went so far to give me tips and such for our upcoming cruise. I guess its a good sign shes still around, all your advice has been very helpful w/ this. So.... thanks.

 

I even told her that when we were swinging, that we considered approaching her and her H ... but for many reasons including the big rule of not swinging w/ friends, we didn't. I never really told her that before, and she seemed to get a kick out of it. So... sometimes its good to tell others what you think.

 

I think everything will be fine.... but it just takes lots of time and healing and being able to trust again. She even said that technically, she felt I was "cheating" on her, b/c if I had a crush on her at all, it was truly "cheating" on her. lOl. I just stay quiet and let her vent.... it seems to help us both.

 

Thx again