Married couple, but not to each other. Will we be looked down upon?

[23568 15]

Question for all experienced in the lifestyle....

 

I am currently involved in an affair and we are enjoying each other for almost a year now. My guy is very interested in swinging and after looking into it, I'm interested too.

 

My question is how does the swinging community feel about a couple that is not married to each other? Would we be looked down upon or considered trouble?

 

Above all other, that is our main fear right now. Any thoughts would be appreciated.

 

Thanks for reading!

D

[DiscreetDesires 32]

If you both, or one of you, are married to other people then that to me would be a BIG RED FLAG!

 

Swinging is all about being open and honest with your partner and if that is the case, there is no honesty going on here.

 

We have no problems playing with couples who are not married, but are in a relationship with each other, but would not even consider being involved in any mess that included cheating on their spouse.

 

I'm sure that there are people around who would not care, but we do.

[JustAskJulie 2,595]

You would most likely be considered as trouble (drama waiting to happen). As DiscreetDesires just said, swinging is about honesty and openness, when you don't even share those things with the person you are married to how can we expect you to be honest with us? Sure you are being honest that you are married to other people and cheating on them, but that's just drama waiting to happen.

 

I don't want to be the person in the bedroom with you when your husband (or his wife) figures out what you are up to.

 

That said, there are exceptions to every rule. Perhaps your partners do know what you are doing... but even then. I've had friends get pulled into court at a divorce proceeding after playing with a married woman who "had permission from her husband".

[23568 15]

wow.... thank you for the replies. I appreciate your honesty and we were somewhat expecting that kind of response. Knowing that we would not be welcomed, I think I'll take a pass. I sincerely appreciate your honesty here.

[SecretAsianMan 348]

Why would you feel it was necessary to disclose this at an event??

 

I mean, seriously ... most people I know don't question a couple's relationship (nobody is going to ask y'all to PROVE you're married). Most people are fine with whatever you bring to the party (as long as you don't bring "drama" into the mix) ... so, as long as y'all are presenting yourself as a healthy happy couple at the event (and aren't involving the party people into your private/non-swinger life) I don't see what the problem is.

[The Fuse 1,012]

Actually, when we meet a couple and are considering asking them to play, we often ask whether they are married to each other. If they're not married at all that's fine, but if either is married to someone else that is a show stopper. Now, if we didn't have much conversation with playmates before getting naked, we might not ask. It just so happens we like to get to know them beforehand to the tune of an hour or so. So I think it varies.

 

I do think it's a bit simplistic to say we should rule out cheaters in order to avoid drama. People who are married to each other have just as much potential. I would rule them out because I don't want to contribute to something I don't approve of. If I got to know them better then I might be convinced that in their particular case the cheating was not such a horrible choice. But in a swinging context, I just won't take that kind of time.

[Alura 2,774]

We got to know our playmates. Asking if they were married to each other was very important.

 

I can tell you exactly what the problem is... "Drama" can range from a spat between the other couple about who gets the last condom all the way to suddenly looking down the wrong end of a shootin' iron. I realize that the former is not likely to cause serious problems and the latter is rare. Still...

[MsGoneWild 182]

For ME, I would need to understand a few things about your situation.

 

We (my fiance and I) don't swing with anyone who isn't being honest with us, anyone who misrepresents themselves, or anyone who isn't being honest with themselves.

 

Is the affair you're having behind both your partners backs, or are you guys in open marriages? Those situations are very different.

 

For me, personally, if your situation is the first one, there is no way we'd even consider meeting you. If you're willing to cheat on your spouses what else are you willing to sacrifice? The risk here isn't worth the reward to me.

 

If your situation is the second one, we'd definitely consider meeting up and or playing. Swinging is about communication and being open with your partner.

 

I abhor cheating, period. I believe its extremely disrespectful. From what I've learned and read here swinging isn't about just having sex with people. We have requirements possible play partners need to meet. Being dishonest or cheating has no part in that for me.

 

I'm sure this came off meaner than I intended, but I wouldn't tolerate a boyfriend/fiance/husband cheating on me, let alone someone I'm meeting with the intention of having sex with.

[Newpants 21]

I think one of the great misconceptions about swingers is that they are so immoral and so sexually oriented and indiscriminate that they will screw anything without regard to the moral or ethical implications of their actions. This is very false. most of the people that we have met have very high standards of conduct and sense of ethics and morality - just not the same standards as the general public.

 

Most of the people we have encountered (which is a lot as we used to attend a lot of clubs) abhor cheaters and probably look down on them with more disdain than your average person on the street does.

 

When we have encountered "but not to each other" couples we have just walked away in mid-sentance as there is nothing else to talk about at that point. That is just us and other people may be more lenient but we have also known other people that have stated up front that if any of their playmates turns out to be cheating and lied about it, they will do whatever they can to out them to their spouse. (I personally think that is taking it too far but I just wanted to show an example of how strongly some swingers despise cheaters)

 

While to the uninitiated, the swinging community may seem a safe harbor for cheaters it often isn't at all. In fact in many ways swinging is the antithesis of cheating. Swinging relies on open communication, trust, honesty, compassion and working together for a common enjoyment - cheating relies on betrayal, lies, deception, greed, selfishness and intentionally inflicts pain and misery on a multitude of innocent and not so innocent victims.

 

To answer your question, some people may fuck you behind closed doors when no one is looking but I guess that's the environment you prefer anyway. but most garden variety honest and decent swingers will be pretty turned off and will treat you with disdain and disgust and some may even react quite strongly in a negative manner.

 

Rather than seeking out co-conspirators in the swinger community you may be better off going with ashleymadison.com or some other adultry-type venue.

[23568 15]

I do sincerely appreciate the time taken to reply to my inquiry.

 

I am happy to have found this board and to find so many couples who are truly happy and thriving in their marriages. I was a much different person when I married at 24. Now being 41, I am living with the choices I have made and now choose to offer my children their security instead of choosing a divorce for myself.

 

Thank you for your honesty with me. I respect your feelings and your community and desire to cause no drama, or undue stress to anyone. What I can do is admire the beautiful and healthy relationships you enjoy.

[Alura 2,774]

I think that those of us who enjoy(ed) a special relationship with our spouse sometimes don't realize just how fortunate we've been and wonder why everybody can't be so lucky.

 

In the end, the couples y'all get to know will ultimately make the choice. Y'all will be more likely to find the right couple if you are brutally honest with the folks y'all meet. Some will say, "NO!" but others will say "YES!" The ensuing adventure will be worth the wait!

[BB18510 45]

It's ironic that so many swingers expect understanding of when it comes to their particular situation, but show very little towards others. We would rather make a decision based on the individuals involved, the same as with any other couple.

[Willing29 66]

Great advice from Alura, Just be honest from the start and let people know and I am sure you will find someone to play with who will accept your situation. You don't need to get into the details but just let folks you are married but not to each other. As a matter of fact I seem to remember coming across that exact situation on SLS a few times. If you are interested dip your toes in and see what happens.

[Alura 2,774]

Thanks for the nice remark, Willing29!

 

However, I think the OP needs to impart a bit more information. The couple they'll be talking to will need assurance that neither of their spouses will burst into the room and wreak havoc on them. Of course, I live in a "concealed carry" state. Cheaters seem to be shot regularly, if rarely, here in Oklahoma.

 

For instance:

Why are they playing without their spouses?

Do the spouses know? If not, why not, and what is likely to happen if one or both find out?

Is theirs a love relationship or are they providing each other with sex because their spouses aren't interested?

Should both gain freedom, would they marry?

 

The questions will go on and on and all need to be addressed to put another playcouple at ease. The questions may be personal beyond reason, but the information is vital for a good decision.

[Newpants 21]

It's ironic that so many swingers expect understanding of when it comes to their particular situation, but show very little towards others. We would rather make a decision based on the individuals involved, the same as with any other couple.

 

I don't know if any of this has anything to do with understanding. I understand and acknowledge that some people are dissatisfied in their marriage. I understand that some people choose to live in sexually unfulfilling marriages for the sake of their families and their standing in the community or for financial reasons. I understand that some people just want to feel alive and connected to another human being again but that the circumstances don't make it convenient and painless for them to get a divorce.

 

I understand all that but I choose to not support it.

 

Many other swingers also find it distasteful and unappealing and also choose to not support it and choose to not knowingly play with cheaters.

 

I also understand that some people are sexually attracted to children but I think it is wrong and should be prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law. Understanding does not equal condoning or supporting.

[lizandtom 512]

Just our 2 cents here for what it's worth, but there are two things which override us getting together with people married to others.

 

The first is that we have a sense of having gone through the work to openly communicate everything with each other. It's quite a sense of achievement, having to go through the trials and tribulations early on to get to the point of openness we are at now. For others to avoid the serious issues that need work in a relationship and take the easy way out, again imho, seems to belittle the unwritten law of swinging; honest and open communication at all times.

 

Second is the possibility of a psycho spouse breaking in to the room with a machete. While we haven't had any physical problems with anyone, we've been the recipients of 5am raving lunatic phone calls before. So cheating spouses? Wouldn't take the chance.

 

We don't know the particular circumstances regarding the OP; maybe you and your spouse have reconciled that doing your own thing but staying married, for the sake of the kids, works for you and you're both in agreement, or maybe he's totally in the dark about it; there are so many (couple) fish in the 'swinging sea,' we hardly have time to see many couples we want to who are in 'legitimate' swinging relationships.

 

Sorry you have a loveless marriage; we wish you luck in finding what suits you best considering the circumstances.

[xxxboxy 139]

We don't even like playing with couples that are merely "attached". Sorry, but to us there just seems to be too much drama associated with those who aren't actually married.