Looking for some advice and wisdom about newbies

[Newpants 21]

For some reason we have had a rash of newbies contacting us and wanting to meet over the last couple weeks. I posted a few days ago about one of the couples and now two more have made legitimate offers and in chatting quite a bit with them, everything seems to be on the up-and-up.

 

We have not been newbie hunters in the past and most of the people we have gotten involved with have been more-less equal to or greater in experience than us. When it comes to newbies we are pretty, well...newbies.

 

The recent ones appear to be very attractive and very similar in background and preferences as us and we are sincerely interested but we don't want blow it by freaking them out nor do we want to go so slow that they lose interest and move on without an honest attempt.

 

So I guess what I am looking for is some down to earth advice and insight on going out with newbs. I don't know if I even have any specific questions, we are just looking for some pointers and words of wisdom on how to deal with complete newbs and how to put them at ease enough that they aren't running for the hills but at the same time give things a chance to happen so that we don't waste what little time we have playing nurse-maid to wannabes that may never develop (I hope that made sense). I guess what I am saying is we want to make some friends and playmates as opposed to finding some students that we want to mentor.

 

If you are a newbie yourself, how would you like to be treated so that you don't freak out or get turned off/scared away? What would put you at ease so that you are comfortable in exploring your interests with a couple that has had some experience and are a bit more self aware?

 

And if you are an experienced swinger that has a background in dealing with newbs, what advice and wisdom would you offer? We are open to any ideas and advice.

[JustAskJulie 2,595]

It depends so much on the newbies themselves. Some newbies will never be ready to play, others we've run into we've skipped out on playing with them their first time out because we were worried they weren't ready only to have them jump on the next available couple (the same night) and never look back (at us or anything else).

[LagniappeDC 313]

Julie has it right...but realize it's a frustrating answer. But that's life...so many variables that there is no simple answer.

 

We've had an influx of newbies as well - seems to happen every spring, lol! We haven't made the plunge ourselves into meeting newbies, but only because we haven't found the right fit.

 

If we do meet them, we'd simply act as "sounding boards" with no expectation to play. Meet up, have dinner, maybe go dancing. Put no pressure on them at all. Talk with them as a couple, talk with them as singles. Just get them feeling comfortable that not everyone is out to attack them for sex. I know that was a big help for us!

 

Remember, it's always good to be a "swingbassador"!!

[Alura 2,774]

Most of our playmates were newbies. It's hard to top the enthusiasm!

 

Alura

[Newpants 21]

It depends so much on the newbies themselves. Some newbies will never be ready to play, others we've run into we've skipped out on playing with them their first time out because we were worried they weren't ready only to have them jump on the next available couple (the same night) and never look back (at us or anything else).

 

That's exactly what has us biting our nails. We can remember being newbies and we were scared to death and didn't know what people were going to try to do to us nor did we know how we would act or react ourselves. We were scared to death but we WANTED to play and we wanted to experience it and break our cherries so to speak.

 

Our concerns are that we will say or do something that will send them running for cover but we are also concerned that if we don't try to do something that they will move on and find someone else who will.

 

I guess I was just hoping there was some kind of newbie code or specific launch sequence that was the key to dealing with newbs:lol:

[redsticktwo4u 84]

For some reason we have had a rash of newbies contacting us and wanting to meet over the last couple weeks. I posted a few days ago about one of the couples and now two more have made legitimate offers and in chatting quite a bit with them, everything seems to be on the up-and-up.

 

We have not been newbie hunters in the past and most of the people we have gotten involved with have been more-less equal to or greater in experience than us. When it comes to newbies we are pretty, well...newbies.

 

The recent ones appear to be very attractive and very similar in background and preferences as us and we are sincerely interested but we don't want blow it by freaking them out nor do we want to go so slow that they lose interest and move on without an honest attempt.

 

So I guess what I am looking for is some down to earth advice and insight on going out with newbs. I don't know if I even have any specific questions, we are just looking for some pointers and words of wisdom on how to deal with complete newbs and how to put them at ease enough that they aren't running for the hills but at the same time give things a chance to happen so that we don't waste what little time we have playing nurse-maid to wannabes that may never develop (I hope that made sense). I guess what I am saying is we want to make some friends and playmates as opposed to finding some students that we want to mentor.

 

If you are a newbie yourself, how would you like to be treated so that you don't freak out or get turned off/scared away? What would put you at ease so that you are comfortable in exploring your interests with a couple that has had some experience and are a bit more self aware?

 

And if you are an experienced swinger that has a background in dealing with newbs, what advice and wisdom would you offer? We are open to any ideas and advice.

 

 

Well, we are newbies, though admittedly, not for lack of trying, lol. So far, the few contacts we have had have gone nowhere. If I might suggest something, it would simply be to be upfront and down to earth with newbies. There isn't any need for trying to figure things out, or do things in a certain way-just be yourself.

Now, I really don't think you needed any of that particular advice-I have no reason to think you are doing any of those negative things. But still, as a newbie, I just wanted to tell you how we see things at the moment. We feel that things fall apart, or dissipate, when there is some sort of attempt to structure behavior, conversation, etc, to try to meet someone else's needs. In fact, what we all (us humans) want or need, is direct and honest conversation. If they are newbies, just ask them what they are looking for. Ask them if they are nervous about any certain things. They will probably appreciate the guidance and advice you can give.

My two cents...

[Fundamental Law 2,888]

Every couple has to face 'the first time'. Until that first time, there will always be some ambivalence among one or both members of the couple. If there were no ambivalence, the first time would be long past.

 

Paradoxically, the least threatening approach may be the most direct (at an appropriate time, of course): couple-to-couple, 'we are attracted to you, would you like to play?' But then give them a private moment (or three) to communicate with one another to see if their desire is sufficient to overcome their ambivalence.

 

Newbies know on some visceral level that they will eventually need to address this moment. If the answer is no, help them by offering a graceful response. If the answer is an enthusiastic yes, go for it.

 

Good luck...

[Newpants 21]

Every couple has to face 'the first time'. Until that first time, there will always be some ambivalence among one or both members of the couple. If there were no ambivalence, the first time would be long past.

 

Paradoxically, the least threatening approach may be the most direct (at an appropriate time, of course): couple-to-couple, 'we are attracted to you, would you like to play?' But then give them a private moment (or three) to communicate with one another to see if their desire is sufficient to overcome their ambivalence.

 

Newbies know on some visceral level that they will eventually need to address this moment. If the answer is no, help them by offering a graceful response. If the answer is an enthusiastic yes, go for it.

 

Good luck...

 

Awesome answer! Thanks!

[sahajacpl 95]

Every couple has to face 'the first time'.

Paradoxically, the least threatening approach may be the most direct

If the answer is an enthusiastic yes, go for it.

 

Right answer and great advice.

 

Every swinger couple has been a newbie when they first considered the possibilities of swapping mates with another couple for sex, and, the potential benefits it offered. If they wanted to give it a try, then they went for it with enthusiasm. The most direct approach is the best, like in almost all endeavors in life.

 

[Newpants 21]

Just a little follow up. Last night we went out with a brand new couple (a different newbie couple than I wrote about a couple weeks ago. Like I said we have had a rash of newbs contacting us lately).

 

We met for dinner and made vanilla get-to-know ya chit-chat. After dinner and the awkward what do we do now stage set in we offered several options. The options included calling it a nice dinner and going home, going out to a vanilla dance club, going to a bar for continued drinks and conversation or getting a room and playing while assuring them that we would do everything we could to stay in their boudries and comfort zones.

 

We each went to our cars so they could discuss the options in complete privacy and at that point they could have just driven away. After a few minutes they called us on the phone and said we could go to a bar and discuss the play option a little more:)

 

We went to a nearby bar and had enough privacy to really talk about "things." After a while they stated they wanted to give it a honest try and we headed out to a motel.

 

Again, they had a chance to wuss out and drive home instead but they ended up at the room. In a nutshell we had a very soft swing encounter that was 95% playing with our own partner all on the same bed with some very light nongenital touching between the others and some light kissing and touching between the two ladies.

 

We tried to keep it as comfortable as possible and didn't move in on them at all but they both seemed pretty nervous however they always kept moving forward and didn't back away at any point.

 

In the end they seemed pretty suprised with themselves but not in a bad way and they seemed appreciative to us in guiding them through their first encounter. Now we will just have to wait and see if we ever hear from them again or not.

 

As far as us, we had a fun night and enjoyed the evening a lot. We had a VERY negative experience with some newbs a few months ago and have been pretty gunshy around newbs since but we had fun last night and we have been having continued contact with the other newb couple I wrote about a couple weeks ago so all in all we are surviving the newbie wars at the moment.

 

THANKS FOR ALL YOUR HELP AND ADVICE!!!

[Newpants 21]

Every couple has to face 'the first time'. Until that first time, there will always be some ambivalence among one or both members of the couple. If there were no ambivalence, the first time would be long past.

 

Paradoxically, the least threatening approach may be the most direct (at an appropriate time, of course): couple-to-couple, 'we are attracted to you, would you like to play?' But then give them a private moment (or three) to communicate with one another to see if their desire is sufficient to overcome their ambivalence.

 

Newbies know on some visceral level that they will eventually need to address this moment. If the answer is no, help them by offering a graceful response. If the answer is an enthusiastic yes, go for it.

 

Good luck...

 

Just a special note. We appreciated all the advice and insight that everyone offered but this post helped a lot.

 

I could remember when we were newbs we WANTED to play and we wanted someone to spell out an offer to us in detail but we just so scared and we needed to find someone that we could trust enough not to hussle us or pressure us or that would be pissed off if we completely pussed out at the last minute.

 

At the end of the night the thing they made special mention of was that we let them talk about it and make the decision in their car where they could talk to each other in complete privacy and had the option to cut and run if they wanted.

 

This advice was on the money for us last night. Thanks again:kissface:

 

Newbies still aren't our "thang" and our preference is still experienced and self-aware swingers that know what they want and aren't afraid to take it but this has been an interesting few weeks and has given us some new perspective and experiences.

 

(Now if we can just convert and corrupt these vanilla friends that we have written about before, we'll really be stepping out of our box:lol:)

[MsGoneWild 182]

well, every newbie set is different i suppose.

 

Our FIRST ever play session was wracked with things we'd never thought we'd do. We got lucky our first couple had a suitcase full of fun amazing sex toys and we tried a whole bunch of them out.

 

But we knew our limits and no one had any trouble politely saying "no" to something they didn't want. I don't think the Mr. and I are (were?) your typical newbs.

 

We ended up with some crazy full swap, double vaginal penetration, a double ended dildo and other crazy stuff.

 

Most of our other encounters since then have been a lot less wild (which is fine) but we don't mind the crazy stuff.

[JustAskJulie 2,595]

 

But we knew our limits and no one had any trouble politely saying "no" to something they didn't want. I don't think the Mr. and I are (were?) your typical newbs.

 

 

MsGoneWild hit a great point. Making sure that said newbies do know their limits may be part of the key in knowing whether or not it's a good idea to move forward. Code: Talk to them and as another newbie earlier said "be frank and honest". If you tell them upfront "we know you are new and we don't want to be the ones to scare you away so what we can do to ensure that?" it may go a long way. In that same talk make sure they and YOU know their boundaries (and that they know yours). If that talk doesn't go so well then maybe they aren't ready to play. Swinging is so much about communication and not just with our own partners but with those we wish to swing with.

[nola40scpl 45]

we've done our fair share of breaking in newbies. i guess it may be because we are more passive than aggressive. but we approach everyone the same way. so why treat newbies any different than you would treat 'veterans'?

 

i think many people even if they are nervous or scared will still pick up that you are treating them differently and it probably has a big impact on the way they respond. usually people will offer up how long they've been swinging but we NEVER ask. we don't mind telling others when asked but feel it easier to not form a preconceived opinion and 'lump' them into the 'oh jeez, they have no clue' category. we do through the conversation find out what their limits, desires, or level of interest is to help us make the decision whether to pursue playing, but we are the same way with others that have been doing this for a length of time also.

 

we love the wide eyed wonderment of those venturing into the unknown. especially the little mischievous twinkle those ready to take the plunge get in their eye as things progress. get to know them as potential play partners and not 'newbies'. if they let on they're newbies question their limits and if you're the type to venture into those restraints (if there are any), have at it.

 

so far we've been with well over 2 dozen newbie couples and in all but 2 cases, we knew they hadn't been swinging very long, but they told us after the fact we were the first couple they played with. twice we knew up front we were the first but never asked.

 

for the record, we've had more bad experiences with those 'experienced' but never the newbies. go figure.

[Olivesman 15]

As certified - certifiable (choose one) newbies, many thanks and compliments to Newpants and nola40scpl for their attitude and gentle treatment of greenhorn couples.

 

We have been concentrating on the clubs, mainly because we can move at our own speed and do not have to explain why we are not leaping into the pile. We have been contacted by some very nice people on SLS, but even with their good manners, we sense they want to get it on ASAP.

 

Once you are an experienced bike rider, you tend to forget how many falls you took before you got your balance. We still need training wheels a little longer.

 

Olive and I are slowly moving to the jumpoff point. May we meet a couple with your understanding and sensitivity!

[couple4couple 16]

we love the wide eyed wonderment of those venturing into the unknown. especially the little mischievous twinkle those ready to take the plunge get in their eye as things progress. get to know them as potential play partners and not 'newbies'.

 

I was very interested in this thread, being a newbie myself. I liked nola's explanation, with the twinkle in the eye

 

This brings up something that the Mr. and I have talked about much--do we want a veteran couple or another newbie couple? And we decided that we'd prefer to have a veteran couple for our first encounter for the simple fact that we know what we want and we want to play with a couple that also knows what they want. We're probably not the average newbie couple anyways...

 

So this brings me to a related question:

Do you think there are alot of veterans that get off on breaking in newbies?

 

~The Mrs.

[sweet_tna 680]

We've played with newbie couples, and I have to say there is nothing like being a part of another couple's first experience.

 

It helped that we weren't too far from newbies ourselves at the time, and that we were able to pass on the advice we got here to our playmates. Most of all, we treated them like any other couple.

 

=)

[nola40scpl 45]

 

So this brings me to a related question:

Do you think there are alot of veterans that get off on breaking in newbies?

 

~The Mrs.

 

i can't say that we know personally anyone who actually 'gets off' breaking in newbies. it just happens that it falls that way with us sometimes. i believe it may have a lot to do with the fact that we are very laid back and not aggressive or even assertive. not that we don't know what we want, but we're more of a 'go with the flow' type of couple.

 

but i can tell you there are many couples we do know that love taking advantage of newbies and many times it turns out bad for the newbie couple.

[willyoats 324]

When we were newbies, we already knew that we wanted to try swinging (or at least, I did; my wife was certainly willing, but could have skipped the whole scene.). We actually found a very experienced couple who, in a sense, specialized in initiating newcomers with a combination of educaton, advice and compassion. After a couple of hours at their house, during which time they explained all the ins and outs and ups and downs of swinging, they very politely asked if we wanted to continue and actually have sex with them.

 

We said yes and the experience was really terrific. That's because they were very good lovers, and they were not at all pushy.

 

I take away from that experience that newbies need to have a long conversation with their potential first partners. The more experienced couple needs to tread very lightly, be informative, friendly, and encouraging, but be careful not to convey any sense of urgency or pressure. Or, disappointment if the new couple decides not to try it yet.

 

One of my really close friends and lovers, who happens to be bi, added another bit of advice related to newbie bi-curious couples. She has initiated many bi women over the years. But, she does it only after a long conversaiton in which she determines, to her own satisfaction, that the curiosity is genuinely from the woman, not due to a husband who is pushing his wife to try it.

 

It seems to me that anybody who is potentially going to initiate any newbie couple, not just the bi-curious ones, might have part of the conversation to address the issue of whether both the new man and woman are really into it, and not just going along reluctantly to please the other.

[Coupleerotic22 1,419]

I am not sure what signifies the jump from newbie, to experienced to veteran, but having been in the lifestyle for less than a year we are still "rookies", even if we don't feel like newbies.

 

We had questions and concerns going in and talked about them at length. At our first encounter we took to it like ducks to water, any lingering questions were resolved after our second encounter. We know what we want and what we expect of others. We are also willing to experiment, but know our limits. We do take it slowly, but we prefer to get to know people before we have sex. Some people think that is odd apparently, but it is what we want, if they don't then we can both find enjoyment elsewhere.

 

We have met veteran couples that were great "mentors' and others we felt light years ahead of in terms of dealing with lifestyle issues. We have met newbies that wore us out mentally, dealing with their issues, and others that were on the same page as us.

 

In the end I think it boils down to personality and maturity. As a kid learning to ride a bike, I refused training wheels, jumped on and started riding, I took to it like a duck to water. After years of trying to learn to ice skate, I still feel out of control, like a giraffe on roller skates.

 

I guess some couples are ducks and some are giraffes, regardless of how long they have been playing.