Dealing with Racism when selecting couples to interact with.

[justinandtricia 23]

Ok, so my wife and I were browsing our emails from SLS and received one from an interracial couple that wanted to arrange a meeting. We politely declined for personal reasons. But did not divulge those reasons. So they repeatedly asked why, and after 3 emails of their probing us for our reasons we finally broke down and gave them the reason for our rejecting them.

 

"Dear , we respectfully decline your request for a meeting based on the fact that one of you is of the African persuasion, please note that this decision has no bearings of racism or bigotry. The Mrs. simply does not like black men or women on a sexual caliber. It is a personal preference like not wanting to have sex with people that are overweight, or not liking to hook up with people that are 20 years older than us. We do realize that in these times, this is a touchy subject in our society, but one person can not help what they are and are not attracted to. Thank you for your interest and good luck in your search.

 

Well needless to say, they decided to pull the racism card on us and make us out to be a couple of ignorant rednecks that hate blacks and are probably KKK members. I mean seriously, what could I have possibly done wrong in my post, or did i do everything right, but this guy was just butthurt that he didnt get a chance to stick his rod in my wifes various holes?

[prometheius 137]

I would suggest that if that should happen again, take a less confrontational approach. Just tell them you aren't interested and leave it at that. You aren't required to tell them why you are not interested. An analogy might put things in better perspective for you;

 

When you go to a car lot to look at cars and the salesperson pushes for me to buy something I don't want, I tell them I'm not interested in what they have to offer. Of course they will try hard to persuade me to buy the special of the day, but I've already given reason enough. I don't insult the person by telling them they have bad breath and need a bath. There is nothing to gain by hurting there feelings.

 

Same thing applies to rejecting someone in the lifestyle. Say no thanks, we're not interested in a kind, polite way and move on...

[SW_PA_Couple 4,024]

This is not about race. This is about swingers' Web site etiquette. You made one replay. Neither you nor anyone else would have had a reason to explain further. They set the bait and you went for it.

[cplnuswing 4,713]

SW_PA is correct. We don't play the back and forth game. Someone we aren't interested in receives a polite short reply saying we are not interested but wishing them good luck in the lifestyle, and if they question it or want to know why, they just get blocked without further response.

[spvcouple 123]

I am sorry that you ran into this kind of person/couple. Some people cannot take any kind of rejection well.

 

We have done as you did. Trying to be vague when telling someone we are not interested. Whether it be for excessive tattoos, piercings (not our thing) or some other reason. Up until now, everyone has accepted it and moved on (though we have been called phonies because we wouldn't drop everything to meet someone).

 

Chalk it up to experience and move on. From your explanation of the situation, I think you TRIED to handle it correctly.

[good times 991]

Yep, it wouldn't have mattered what reason you gave, it would have pissed them off. That is why we never give reasons or explanations. If someone persists in wanting to know why, we usually either ignore them or tell them something like, "Why doesn't matter, the bottom line is we are not interested" and leave it at that.

[JustAskJulie 2,595]

You gave them a ton of reason to pull the racism card in your response. The more you explain why something ISN'T something the more people will use that as a reason to say it is "The lady doth protest too much". You'd been best off to not reply to their repeated attempts to get a reason out of you, and if you had to give a reason just left it with "we are not sexually attracted to you" or "we do not feel we are sexually compatible".

[justinandtricia 23]

I dont know, I mean my first response was that we werent interested for "personal reasons" I know that by just saying "He's Black" would be the worst thing I could have said. But since they persisted to know exactly why(maybe they were new to the whole thing and we made them insecure) i gave them the reason. I just hate the whole subject and that little wild card people like to wave around when they dont get their way. I can guarantee that if a couple was only looking for a black male to play with(which there are plenty of those out there), and all other applicants need not apply, then that black male isnt gonna bitch about them or call them racist because they only like black guys.

[divenaked 325]

We have stated in our profile that we are not interested in interracial sexual activities.......and yet somehow we get hit often by a mixed race, or african-american couple wanting to play. I usually reply "Obviously, you did not read our profile." We have never had anyone reply to that. We don't have a problem with blacks, our best ever next door neighbors are black. We have cookouts together and have Thanksgiving dinner together.......but we don't want to have sex with them.

[sexcupid 809]

I dont know, I mean my first response was that we werent interested for "personal reasons" I know that by just saying "He's Black" would be the worst thing I could have said. But since they persisted to know exactly why(maybe they were new to the whole thing and we made them insecure) i gave them the reason.

 

I would have just left the original reply at something like "After reviewing your profile, we do not feel that we would be compatible. We are flattered by your interest, Thanks"

 

Its generic enough without having to list the whys....as you have found out, listing something specific only brings a fight (and this is true even on less explosive issues than race). The reply also says 'We took the time to think about/review your profile" (even if you didn't really).

 

In the future do try to resist from responding. As others have said, you had expressed disinterest...even if it was in such a tantalizing way for them to probe the reason and you were quite obliging in giving them the reason.

[DE_BBC 15]

I've found the responses to this quite interesting.

What I find really interesting is that no one seems to think that excluding someone by the virtue of race is WRONG.

 

Now... before everyone gets their panties in a bunch allow me to explain.

The OP would like you to believe that the basis of their rejection is/was not racist. And I think that in fact it was very racist. As a Black Man I get offended when people try to pass off racism as "a choice" ...comparing being Black to being overweight or older in age. Let's keep it real. These are not the same thing. I realize that this is America and every person has the right to think however they want to think...and I'm cool with that. But I gotta call it like I see it.

[sexcupid 809]

I've found the responses to this quite interesting.

What I find really interesting is that no one seems to think that excluding someone by the virtue of race is WRONG.

 

The reason it has been phrased in this way is because they are excluding playmates on what turns them on/off. The OP did not say they can't stand a particular race in all aspects of life...just that his Mrs. does not find a black guy sexually attractive. Playmates get excluded for all sorts of reasons and to think that race may or may not be one of those criteria (like height, weight, eye color, hair color, etc....things that we do not necessarily get to choose what we ended up with).

 

When the OP's turned down playmates couldn't just drop that they had been turned down...the best thing the OP could have done was to ignore the repeated pleas for a reason since the reason can be very offensive. He is here for advice on how to respectfully handle a response in case the situation presents itself again. If someone just says "Thanks for your interest, but I do not feel we are compatible" you never know what they are really thinking (regardless of the medium in which it is given, in person or in a message).

 

If the OP had sent a message to a white couple and said "Sorry...my wife only likes black (hispanic/asian/etc) playmates" would you be just as offended on behalf of the racially excluded white playmate?

[Chicup 41]

DE_BBC said:

I've found the responses to this quite interesting.

 

What I find really interesting is that no one seems to think that excluding someone by the virtue of race is WRONG.

 

Now... before everyone gets their panties in a bunch allow me to explain.

 

The OP would like you to believe that the basis of their rejection is/was not racist. And I think that in fact it was very racist. As a Black Man I get offended when people try to pass off racism as "a choice" ...comparing being Black to being overweight or older in age. Let's keep it real. These are not the same thing. I realize that this is America and every person has the right to think however they want to think...and I'm cool with that. But I gotta call it like I see it.

 

My penis is a racist. You are telling me what my penis should want to put itself into which is fascist

 

So you can be offended, but it is a choice. I do find black women generally unattractive, but I find being fat even more unattractive, so if I had a choice between the two I'd pick a black woman. Does this make one a choice and the other racism?

 

Added some people border on the fetish for different races. If someone mails you because they want 'bbc' do you complain because its racist or is THAT one a choice?

[justinandtricia 23]

Well, I already decided to just ignore people that dont accept my original generic response to reject people, I was just wondering what everyone elses take on the situation was. I mean I was as honest with them as I could possibly be, which is what they wanted. But i guess Jack Nicholson was right in that movie when he told Tom Cruise "YOU CAN'T HANDLE THE TRUTH!"

[exploringRM 305]

I've found the responses to this quite interesting.

What I find really interesting is that no one seems to think that excluding someone by the virtue of race is WRONG.

 

Now... before everyone gets their panties in a bunch allow me to explain.

The OP would like you to believe that the basis of their rejection is/was not racist. And I think that in fact it was very racist. As a Black Man I get offended when people try to pass off racism as "a choice" ...comparing being Black to being overweight or older in age. Let's keep it real. These are not the same thing. I realize that this is America and every person has the right to think however they want to think...and I'm cool with that. But I gotta call it like I see it.

 

Attraction is what it is...age, race, height, weight. We all are here to make a choice in who we choose to play with. If a person of another race decided they were not attracted to me due to my race I would not feel offended. Now if they excluded me from an event/club/party etc, then yeah that's a different story.

[DiscreetDesires 32]

I'm with everyone else!

I don't see how not being sexually attracted to someone is racism.

 

Would I call you anti-gay/prejudice/homophobe just because you are not sexually attracted to your own gender? Nope!

 

Being attracted to someone is just not as simple as that.

[lovinher 505]

You could have just said "does not prefer" or "is not attracted to" instead of "does not like" African Americans on a sexual caliber. It was a bad choice of words. As others have said, you should have either not responded back after your first EM, or just politely declined without going into a detailed explanation. It just does not work without digging a deeper hole. Going into a detailed explanation is a no win situation, especially the way you worded it. What if they were white and overweight? Telling them that you "do not like" fat people on sexual caliber is bound to hurt or offend them. Even telling an overweight "does not prefer" or "is not attracted to" is a no win situation. The lesson? Keep it simple and generic.

 

Sometimes one word in any type of conversation can twist the meaning of your true intent.

[AskMeOk 148]

I've found the responses to this quite interesting.

What I find really interesting is that no one seems to think that excluding someone by the virtue of race is WRONG.

 

Now... before everyone gets their panties in a bunch allow me to explain.

The OP would like you to believe that the basis of their rejection is/was not racist. And I think that in fact it was very racist. As a Black Man I get offended when people try to pass off racism as "a choice" ...comparing being Black to being overweight or older in age. Let's keep it real. These are not the same thing. I realize that this is America and every person has the right to think however they want to think...and I'm cool with that. But I gotta call it like I see it.

 

Nice analogy... and a great reason to euthanize older swingers.... I guess that is a choice?

 

Since your profile shows you clearly holding out as a big BLACK cock, you apparently see no racism in people's preference for people of a particular race. I've seen WAY more profiles of non_black women looking exclusively for black men... I take it you don't see that as racist (it IS based solely on race, right)?

 

Here's another racial issue... can somebody point me to any profiles of non_white women looking exclusively for white men/couples?

 

If you are going to look at race, you might as well consider all aspects... maybe even as it invokes cultural issues.

 

This is SO not an easy issue.....

[Pensacolapair 394]

The issue of racism within the Lifestyle is one of the many 'chicken-egg' style arguments one will encounter - by that I mean that there is no definitive answer, it will always be based on which side of the coin you happen to see it from..with ample justification and supporters available for whatever side of the debate one might be on. As a topic to debate, it's just as viable as any other - but it will never over-ride the fact that who you want to have sex with is no one's choice but your's.

 

In my opinion, people who ask 'why' when given 'No' as an answer simply never considered that 'No' was an answer they might get. This, I suspect, is for one of 2 reasons:

 

1. They think that they are 'all that' - and that everyone will be chomping at the bit to get with them.

2. They think that swinging is about getting with anyone who asks

 

Whichever of the two might apply, it boils down to the fact that their lil ego was bruised because they were rejected and those who lead with their ego will always attempt to create a justification for said rejection that places blame on the rejector.

 

The only thing you did 'wrong', IMHO, was in answering their question as to why you said 'No'. By doing so, you foster the idea that explanations are owed for 'No'... and they simply are not - ever! Swing Lifestyle has a great tool for dealing with knuckleheads who carry conversations beyond 'No Thanks' - the Block button.

 

M

[DE_BBC 15]

exploringRM said:

Attraction is what it is...age, race, height, weight. We all are here to make a choice in who we choose to play with. If a person of another race decided they were not attracted to me due to my race I would not feel offended. Now if they excluded me from an event/club/party etc, then yeah that's a different story.

 

It doesn't offend me....like I said in my post, this is America and everyone has a right to think and believe what they want.

 

But it is what is. And if you get called out on it, then you shouldn't be surprised.

[DE_BBC 15]

Nice analogy... and a great reason to euthanize older swingers.... I guess that is a choice?

 

Since your profile shows you clearly holding out as a big BLACK cock, you apparently see no racism in people's preference for people of a particular race. I've seen WAY more profiles of non_black women looking exclusively for black men... I take it you don't see that as racist (it IS based solely on race, right)?

 

Here's another racial issue... can somebody point me to any profiles of non_white women looking exclusively for white men/couples?

 

If you are going to look at race, you might as well consider all aspects... maybe even as it invokes cultural issues.

 

This is SO not an easy issue.....

 

Ahhhh....I was wondering when someone would bring up the "BBC" issue.

...and the fact that there are MANY married white women who prefer Black Men. In my humble opinion(and, yes I know the're just like assholes...everybody's got one) the "BBC" thing in a FETISH, is it based on Race? Of course, but these are women who are in fact married to White Men...so they not excluding non-black men.

[DE_BBC 15]

DiscreetDesires said:

I'm with everyone else!

I don't see how not being sexually attracted to someone is racism.

 

Would I call you anti-gay/prejudice/homophobe just because you are not sexually attracted to your own gender? Nope!

 

Being attracted to someone is just not as simple as that.

 

that is not a very accurate analogy.

[DE_BBC 15]

The reason it has been phrased in this way is because they are excluding playmates on what turns them on/off. The OP did not say they can't stand a particular race in all aspects of life...just that his Mrs. does not find a black guy sexually attractive. Playmates get excluded for all sorts of reasons and to think that race may or may not be one of those criteria (like height, weight, eye color, hair color, etc....things that we do not necessarily get to choose what we ended up with).

 

When the OP's turned down playmates couldn't just drop that they had been turned down...the best thing the OP could have done was to ignore the repeated pleas for a reason since the reason can be very offensive. He is here for advice on how to respectfully handle a response in case the situation presents itself again. If someone just says "Thanks for your interest, but I do not feel we are compatible" you never know what they are really thinking (regardless of the medium in which it is given, in person or in a message).

 

If the OP had sent a message to a white couple and said "Sorry...my wife only likes black (hispanic/asian/etc) playmates" would you be just as offended on behalf of the racially excluded white playmate?

 

Would I be offended? NO. That's because this doesn't "offend" me at all.

I'm just calling it like I see it. The "BBC" thing is a FETISH. Now if their profile says how she really enjoys the look and feel of a white cock, ect... then it would be a different story.

 

But as I said in my OP.....this is America and everyone has the right to think how they want.

[little firefly 64]

I don't think anyone who is not sexually attracted to those of a different race can be called racist any more than those who aren't attracted to those of the same sex can be called homophobes.

 

Personally I've never been sexually attracted to women but I'm hardly homophobic (two of my very best friends are gay), and I've never been sexually attracted to black men but I'm in no way a racist (I have many good friends who are black). I'm also not sexually attracted to body builders or bald men either. It's all about sexual attraction and not about shunning someone as being inferior or being intolerant of them because of their race.

 

I know of a few white women who go to the club I attend who only play with black guys, or women who are only interested in other women. There is one black lady I know who only plays with white men (and is married to a white guy) but thats just what she prefers in a sexual partner. Even my own SO (NDN), while he has no preference as far as a womans race when he plays, does prefer women with full figures. He doesn't find himself attracted to skinny women as far as sexual play, just as there are plenty of men who aren't turned on by bigger gals.

 

As individuals we all have different likes and dislikes when it comes to what or who turns us on and theres not one thing wrong with that. Thats what makes us all unique.

 

As far as the OP, I think they should have worded their reply to the other couple a bit differently but after 3 emails from them hounding them as to the reason why they didn't want to meet, I really feel they had it coming. The first "No thank you" should have been enough.

 

Of course that's just my humble opinion on things.

[Chicup 41]

Ahhhh....I was wondering when someone would bring up the "BBC" issue.

...and the fact that there are MANY married white women who prefer Black Men. In my humble opinion(and, yes I know the're just like assholes...everybody's got one) the "BBC" thing in a FETISH, is it based on Race? Of course, but these are women who are in fact married to White Men...so they not excluding non-black men.

 

They want to fuck you because you are black = not racist.

They don't want to fuck you because you are black = racist.

 

Right.....

[justinandtricia 23]

I guess i just struck a nerve of insecurity in somebody when i answered them that way. I mean seriously though, I spent 6 years in the army, I have several life long friends of hispanic, african, asian origins, friends close enough that we would simply crack racist jokes at eachother just to get a laugh at eachother and held no hostilities to eachother. And from my experiences from the army, black men seemed on average to be better than the rest of us in just about every aspect. They were more physically fit than us, passed their p/t tests in the first week of basic, made the rest of us look like out-of-shape slobs, they had the hottest wives and girlfriends waiting for them back home, and having to share a communal shower with 100 different guys living in a barracks, we couldnt help but notice that they also were very much better endowed than us, and they knew all of these facts. Now my question is why would anyone in that position be at all insecure enough to have to get snippy when they get rejected by one female? Yes we could have worded our reply a bit better, but the bottom line is that I am sure they understood what we meant, and were just trying to reassure them that it wasnt a decision based on malice or prejudice of another race, but a mere sexual preference. I feel that one of the biggest turn-offs in this lifestyle is when people are insecure with themselves.

[nola40scpl 45]

not to hijack the thread but seems it has taken a different turn from the OP's post, but since we brought it up............

 

sorry mr. bbc, but your argument doesn't hold water. just because a woman is married to a white man does not excuse her from the 'race' issue. she's excluding people based on race. that sir according the the omnipotent mr. webster is the meaning of racism.

 

but i think everyone here is missing the real underlying point. when you bring up such arguments about weight, height, eye color, what kind of car one drives versus the granddaddy of them all, the color of their skin some argue one is a 'preference' and one is racist, others claim they're ALL preferences. excluding ANY group of people based on any of the above 'preferences' (and you can add your own) is not racist or prejudiced, it's SUPERFICIAL bordering on narcissism. what you're basically saying is 'we don't care if every time you open your mouth our iq drops 10 points or every time you have more than two drinks you act like a jackass, we just want our 'friends' to know we only fuck hot (skinny, rich, white, orange, take your pick) people so they don't exclude us from their circle.' usually anyone with a hard and fast list of 'preferences' will begin the description of themselves as 'open minded' which couldn't be farther from the truth. open minded usually means you're open to opinions and ideas other than your own. sticking to your 'preferences' means you're very close minded. how about living IN the moment and not living FOR the moment? there'd probably be a lot more hot stories here and a lot less bitching!

 

(climbing off my soap box now)

 

back to our regular schedule thread..............

 

it's been said enough times already, i think the best answer was a simple 'we've read your profile and just don't feel we are compatible.'

 

if that doesn't work, BLOCK 'EM!

[DE_BBC 15]

They want to fuck you because you are black = not racist.

They don't want to fuck you because you are black = racist.

 

Right.....

 

well...that couldn't further from what I said or meant.

but...as I keep saying you're entitled to your own opinion.

[DE_BBC 15]

nola40scpl said:

not to hijack the thread but seems it has taken a different turn from the OP's post, but since we brought it up............

 

sorry mr. bbc, but your argument doesn't hold water. just because a woman is married to a white man does not excuse her from the 'race' issue. she's excluding people based on race. that sir according the the omnipotent mr. webster is the meaning of racism.

 

but i think everyone here is missing the real underlying point. when you bring up such arguments about weight, height, eye color, what kind of car one drives versus the granddaddy of them all, the color of their skin some argue one is a 'preference' and one is racist, others claim they're ALL preferences. excluding ANY group of people based on any of the above 'preferences' (and you can add your own) is not racist or prejudiced, it's SUPERFICIAL bordering on narcissism. what you're basically saying is 'we don't care if every time you open your mouth our iq drops 10 points or every time you have more than two drinks you act like a jackass, we just want our 'friends' to know we only fuck hot (skinny, rich, white, orange, take your pick) people so they don't exclude us from their circle.' usually anyone with a hard and fast list of 'preferences' will begin the description of themselves as 'open minded' which couldn't be farther from the truth. open minded usually means you're open to opinions and ideas other than your own. sticking to your 'preferences' means you're very close minded. how about living IN the moment and not living FOR the moment? there'd probably be a lot more hot stories here and a lot less bitching!

 

(climbing off my soap box now)

 

back to our regular schedule thread..............

 

it's been said enough times already, i think the best answer was a simple 'we've read your profile and just don't feel we are compatible.'

 

if that doesn't work, BLOCK 'EM!

 

well...I think my arguments DO in fact hold water.

The truth (as I see it) can sometimes be a bitter pill to swallow.

[Newpants 21]

I'm beating a dead horse here but lets put some different words in there to make a point. Any time you give a reason why you don't want to meet or play with someone they will give you ten reasons why your reason is wrong and why you should not feel that way.

 

If you were to say your wife doesn't like little dicks they will come back with that there are surgerys to tighten her pussy up. If you said she doesn't like big dicks they'll say to get some bigger dildoes to stretch her pussy out and that he'll use a lot of lube.

 

If you say she doesn't like short men you be called shallow and silly. If she says she doesn't like tall men they'll say to get some really tall platform shoes.

 

If you say they aren't good looking enough they'll say you are snobbish and if you say they are too good looking and out of your league they will say that you are missing out on a good thing.

 

so matter what you say they are going to turn it back on you and make it out as your mistake. You played the race card and made race an issue so there isn't any quesswork as to why they feel you are racist.

 

You simply can not win by telling people why you are not attracted to them and even though people assure you they will take it graciously, they will never say, "Oh Ok, that makes sense. Thank you."

 

A simple," thank you for your offer but we are afraid we are not interested meeting you but we wish you well in your search." is all you will ever need and all you should ever offer. If they keep prying then do not fall for the bait.

[Pensacolapair 394]

Chicup said:

They want to fuck you because you are black = not racist.

They don't want to fuck you because you are black = racist.

 

Right.....

 

Sorry, DE_BBC, but that's the same thing I got out of your posted statements. And unfortunately, it's a point of view that far too many people of all colors try to make fly nowadays. It's no different than the contention that it's okay for me to use the N-word because I happen to be black - but if a member of any other race uses it, it's akin to burning a cross on the lawn.

 

If one expects the argument that someone whose sole reason for not considering sex with someone because of their race is a racist to fly, then someone whose sole reason for considering sex with someone because of their race is also a racist. Just because one happens to work out to their advantage doesn't factor into the equation.

 

The number one reason we personally have told others 'No Thanks' when approached is simply a lack of sexual attraction either by me, her or both of us. Easily the second most frequent reason (even with those we did think were sexually attractive) was they let us know that they were not the kind of people we care to be around - namely those who relate to others as individuals instead of merely representatives of a particular group. We have turned down white couples whose profiles are plastered with statements of how much she loves black cock. We have turned down couples who told us they have always wanted to fuck a black man/woman. We have turned downed black couples who said they will do white women but not white men. We don't go to any parties advertised as 'interracial' or 'Black-Only'. Another big turn-off has been popping up a lot lately: "We have been looking for a black couple for a long time"... including a couple of groups.

 

As several posters have already pointed out - the issue of race is a complicated one. And IMO, one that has an amazing ability to wrap itself in a 50/50 mix of emotionalism and bullshit to repel all logic. But within the lifestyle, it actually funnels down into a much easier to handle issue. Who we choose to have sex with is one of the few true choices we have. It's also one of the few things where "Because I don't wanna" is a perfectly acceptable, inarguable answer. Like everyone else, I have my views on race.. and at an appropriate time in a appropriate venue, I can debate it with anyone so inclined.

 

But to those who choose to bring up the issue as a handy-dandy, one-size-fits-all rant as to why someone doesn't want to get with you, I submit: Uh Huh - and by pointing that out, you hope to accomplish...? Within the lifestyle, has the result of such a conversation ever been, "I have seen the light and now I find you incredibly hot..when can we get together?"

 

Despite your well-thought out, eloquently expressed, heart-felt opinion - - they still ain't gonna fuck ya! Wouldn't one's time be better spent by simply moving to the next sexy person to whom you might be exactly what they are looking for?

 

I apologize to the OP for straying from your original question - but look at this and the other strays off topic as more justification supporting my original suggestion to just block those who feel 'No Thanks' requires further clarification. (see how neatly I tied that in..)

[xxxboxy 139]

Wow! I just found out I'm racist. I mean, I can hire them, fire them, go to sporting events with them, go camping with them but if I'm not attracted the them and don't want to fuck them I'm racist. So is being attracted to and wanting to fuck our measure of integration?

[two4youinswva 3,068]

Despite your well-thought out, eloquently expressed, heart-felt opinion - - they still ain't gonna fuck ya! Wouldn't one's time be better spent by simply moving to the next sexy person to whom you might be exactly what they are looking for?

 

If we had a "Quote of the Day" around here, this would be my nominee.

[amid 91]

To the original question.

 

Canned answers are the best. No explanations. Hit the canned answer and it will send the message loud and clear that you are not interested.

[AskMeOk 148]

I'm beating a dead horse here but lets put some different words in there to make a point. Any time you give a reason why you don't want to......

 

Apologies to the horse, but you can't prove a negative.

 

Racism is defined as discrimination or prejudice based on race.

 

If I only swing (or whatever) with people of another race... that is racism, by definition. If you take part in that sort of behavior, it is racist.

 

You can't prove you are NOT a racist any more than you could defend yourself against the old "are you still beating your wife" thing..... because you can't prove a negative (you can't prove you are NOT beating her).

 

I think Chicup nailed this one.....

[sahajacpl 95]

Whatever happened to personal choice when it comes to deciding who or what couple, regardless of race, or physical appearance, you want to swing with, and, who you will or will not have sexual intercourse with?

 

One can always impute a racist or some other motive when you reject to swing with a couple, race, looks, chemistry, or something else, not withstanding. That's interesting!

[AskMeOk 148]

sahajacpl said:

Whatever happened to personal choice when it comes to deciding who or what couple, regardless of race, or physical appearance, you want to swing with, and, who you will or will not have sexual intercourse with?

 

One can always impute a racist or some other motive when you reject to swing with a couple, race, looks, chemistry, or something else, not withstanding. That's interesting!

 

I don't think *anybody* has suggested this about "a [single] couple" and, somehow, put personal choice at risk.

 

I think, for many of us, this has been a discourse about whether or not employing race as a single determining factor for choosing only a particular group of folks as potential swingers (to the exclusion of others) is racist.....

[xxxboxy 139]

I can honestly say that I don't really care why someone would choose to reject me as a potential partner. My self worth isn't wrapped up in the opinions or choices of others.

[DE_BBC 15]

Well....my thoughts on this matter are firm.

 

and it is what it is. it really doesn't bother me...I've never found it hard to find partners to play with.

 

and that's that.

[xxxboxy 139]

Yep, totally generic term now isn't it? Was I talking about blacks, asians, whites, hispanics? Could have been any and I damned well didn't feel like typing out every racial possibility for the comment. And there's no way on this green earth that I'll apologize for using the "t" word (oh the horror!).

[Chicup 41]

While I'm not one of those new age well meaning fools who tries to claim that race doesn't exist, any good biologist will smack you down for that one, but how we define race is far to broad.

 

Would you call a fair skinned red head from Ireland to be the same as a dark haired olive skinned Sicilian?

 

Should a black in the US be considered the same as an Australian aborigine because they are both black skinned?

 

Genetically Europeans and Africans are closer than the Australian aborigines are to either group.

 

So when I have a thing for very fair skinned red heads (which I do) is that racist? You won't find those people outside of a very northern European ancestry.

 

Is the fact that I find Japanese women attractive, and yet find little attraction to their genetic cousins the Inuit racist? Is it more racist that I don't like the look of the Inuit but do the Japanese?

 

Is it racist that I am very attracted to Indian women? Is it more racist that I am turned off by their darker body hair?

 

This is why I find this entire concept rather pointless.

[justinandtricia 23]

Eh, personally i dont thing "race" is the appropriate word to describe the variations in the way people from different geographics looks. These variations are merely and adaptation caused by several generations of being centered in a specific environment. For instance, the africans are dark skinned because a large portion of africa is dry, arid desert where the african people are exposed to a harsher dose of sunlight and UV radiation. The darkening of the skin is a result of generations of this exposure and the genetic line adapting to the harshness of the environment. Just as the asian community that either lives on the highly elevated china plateau, or on the islands in the pacific, both environments have a fairly constant high wind that the genetic line for the asian people adapted to by narrowing the opening in the eyes to protect from the elements. And us european descendants who come from a fairly temperate region, not alot of sunlight, quite a bit of cloud cover and rain, therefore never needed the dark skin for protection from the sun, nor the slanting of they eyes to protect from high elevation winds. So the mere thought that these adaptations make one person inferior to someone else is absurd, when it has in fact done just the opposite, these variations have made each individual superior in a certain way to handle one thing that nature has to throw at them. The funny thing is that the early slave traders realized this, saw that the climate of the Southern United States wasnt that different from that of africa, and knew that Africans would be able to handle long periods of work in the climate than any european. So in essence, their decision to bring them to the americas to do their work for them wasnt one of racism, but one of circumstances. They saw a people that were superior in a way that they were not, and capitalized on it. Now forcing people from their homes and taking them half way around the world to work as slaves was still wrong, but the real racists are the ones that came after the war was over and the slaves were free set out and make their own living doing what they could naturally do better than any european man. So the european man retaliated with slander, violence, and well racism.

[Coupleerotic22 1,419]

I've found the responses to this quite interesting.

What I find really interesting is that no one seems to think that excluding someone by the virtue of race is WRONG.

 

Now... before everyone gets their panties in a bunch allow me to explain.

The OP would like you to believe that the basis of their rejection is/was not racist. And I think that in fact it was very racist. As a Black Man I get offended when people try to pass off racism as "a choice" ...comparing being Black to being overweight or older in age. Let's keep it real. These are not the same thing. I realize that this is America and every person has the right to think however they want to think...and I'm cool with that. But I gotta call it like I see it.

 

To answer the OP first. You don't owe anyone anything. You made a choice, leave it at that. IF you choose to give any reason, then a polite and respectful way is to say "that we are simply not compatible." If that offends them then so be it. There are plenty of reasons someone may not be compatible. If they choose to believe it is because of one particular reason than they are looking for a reason to be offended.

 

Being offended is a choice. You choose to be offended or not. If you choose to be then that is just giving the "offender" a level of power of you. So don't get offended, just chalk it up to their issues and move on.

 

Frankly, I probably would have replied if they had persisted, but my response would have been that "we certainly made the correct decision not to go to the next level with him/her/them, because they clear do not understand that "no means no". "

 

DE_BBC, there are so many things wrong with you argument that it would require more time than I am willing to spend to show you the errors in your position. Secondly it wouldn't matter, as you stated you are entrenched in your beliefs, so explaining it would be of no value. But of someone who is not offended or bother by the OP you sure have spent a good deal of time writing about it.

[two4youinswva 3,068]

I've never found it hard to find partners to play with.

 

Isn't that the bottom line in many ways? Despite the fact that all of us have someone that will turn us down based on appearance, race, etc., in the end, if we have a positive and attractive attitude, and the ability to communicate well with others, we won't have too much difficulty in finding playmates.

[Tia Vampire 167]

The ugly truth is yes, racism still exist and it always will because our society put lables on everything. You can not be a woman or just another human being. You have to be a black woman, white woman, asian woman, ext, ext, ext.We thought that your reply was very well written and also explained why you guys felt the way you do. There are too many willing couples out there to be worried about just this one couple. If he is hounding you guys the way you say he is, it's probably a single black dude. We have been declined because of my race. No biggie. We just move on. Plus we do not ask why a couple is not interested in us. We do find out later by other couples that know that particular couple. We just write ourselves a note on Swing Lifestyle so that we will not bother that couple again. We have been very successful in our 3 1/2 year life-style adventures with couples of all races. We have declined couples based on, well not race, but size of hubby's penis. I the female half will not be with a guy bigger than 6". I prefer to enjoy the sex, not hurt from the sex. So all of us have our own reasons not to be with a couple rather it's race or personal reasons.

[DarkVoyuer 15]

Ok, so my wife and I were browsing our emails from Swing Lifestyle and received one from an interracial couple that wanted to arrange a meeting. We politely declined for personal reasons. But did not divulge those reasons. So they repeatedly asked why, and after 3 emails of their probing us for our reasons we finally broke down and gave them the reason for our rejecting them.

 

"Dear , we respectfully decline your request for a meeting based on the fact that one of you is of the African persuasion, please note that this decision has no bearings of racism or bigotry. The Mrs. simply does not like black men or women on a sexual caliber. It is a personal preference like not wanting to have sex with people that are overweight, or not liking to hook up with people that are 20 years older than us. We do realize that in these times, this is a touchy subject in our society, but one person can not help what they are and are not attracted to. Thank you for your interest and good luck in your search.

 

Well needless to say, they decided to pull the racism card on us and make us out to be a couple of ignorant rednecks that hate blacks and are probably KKK members. I mean seriously, what could I have possibly done wrong in my post, or did i do everything right, but this guy was just butthurt that he didnt get a chance to stick his rod in my wifes various holes?

 

I hate to say this as a black person but some white people do not find African Americans attractive. However, this does not mean you find blacks inferior. I feel bad that it had upset the couple but I don't see how sexual preference based on race is racism. According to my understanding, racism is the thought that one race is superior than another race.

[AskMeOk 148]

Well....my thoughts on this matter are firm.

 

and it is what it is. it really doesn't bother me...I've never found it hard to find partners to play with.

 

and that's that.

 

Indeed, that certainly says it all........

[shy_couple 459]

Most all of the advice seems to be the same, and very good. Some people wont take no for an answer and dont handle rejection well.

 

We take no for an answer but are often curious when everything on the profile seems to match up. But we never ask why. It is just a recipe for disaster, just as you found out. Although based on our profile and pictures, we did contact one couple who said no thanks. We met them later at a meet and greet and went back to their place for a small after party and hit it off. (So you never know.)

 

We had a very similar experience to yours a few months ago. An interracial couple contacted us. Their profile matched ours pretty much to a tee. The only thing is Mrs Shy really isnt attracted to black (really not attracted to anything but white) men. We sent back the generic " Thanks but no thanks" on SLS. We got the message back asking "but why"? We simply ignored it and they dropped it as well. If they would have kept pushing, we probably would have blocked them.

 

We have a hard time not answering contacts. The first line in our profile states that we answer all contacts and appreciate the same courtesy.

[Guest Unregistered]

I am hijacking this from another recent thread where the couple declined to meet.The other couple kept pushing until the finally said that they were not attracted to black people. Which balooned into a big mess.

 

We are registered members here but didn't want to post under our user id.

 

We are a suburban white couple who have been exploring the lifestyle for a couple of years. Before that we were high school sweethearts and married right out of HS. Been together 15+ years. I (M) had sex with one other girl. She had never had sex before we met.

 

While I (M) am attracted to women of all shapes, sizes, and colors sexy as long as they have a good attitude and present themselves as clean and sexy. The wife is much pickier. She typically isn't attracted to anything but white men. Maybe it is just what she is comfortable with, a throwback to her mid-western upbringing, or just a preference. Conversely, she is not attracted just because the guy is white. Of course he should be clean, courteous, and in fair to good shape.

 

When we meet and talk to other couples this seems to be common in the couples we meet. We have been with "interracial" couples whaere the man is white and the girl was asian or hispanic. They seem to have similar tastes or preference in playmates.

 

This whole lifestyle is about who and what we find sexy and attractive. This is such taboo subject matter in our society but so is swinging. Although for all (or most) of us this is about finding something that we find sexy, appealing, or a fantasy: if it people select their playmates based on height, weight, age, dick size, tit size, body hair, bald

men, facial hair, dental health/hygeine, tattos, piercings, smoking preferences, etc.......

Why is it so hard to believe that people base attraction on race as well?!

[JDApopka 54]

yeah I think just a sorry no thanks would have been enough after that just don't answer the e-mails