Double Standard of picking up single males vs single females

[Ashley 22]

Those of you who have read my prior posts know that I am fairly new to swinging and that I'm a bit ambivalent about it. My latest dilemma revolves around the fact that I am not sexually attracted to very many men while L, my bf is attracted to a very wide range of women. Ordinarily we swing same bed but on our recent houseboat trip he had a couple of encounters away from me when I was tired or just plain not interested. Then lightening struck and I met someone who rocked my world. L was very understanding about it and allowed me to have sex with him even though his partner was not interested in swinging. He did stay close though and I could tell he was a bit jealous. Later, he admitted to some passing jealousy but said it turned him on to leave for a little bit and then return to watch our passion. He has a fantasy that I will do that with him but I explained that when I would come upon him having sex with someone I would feel jealous rather than stimulated. It's entirely different if I have been there from the beginning.

I realize I have taken the long way around explaining my dilemma but think that the background info was necessary.

I haven't talked to L about this yet, I wanted to get some objective opinions first.

The other day, while shopping at the mall, I met another man that floats my boat. Understand this happens to me RARELY. In the course of our conversation I learned that he is single. By the end of our conversation I was seriously thinking about giving him my business card with our (L and my) website address on it. The website revolves around our involvement in the lifestyle. But then I thought, I certainly wouldn't want L to do this. And if I did it, would he be upset?

But then I analyzed the whole thing and I think it's entirely a different situation for a man vs. a woman. If I pick up a single man chances are his expectation is for a purely sexual encounter (and of course L would be present) whereas if L picks up a single woman, chances are she's looking for a relationship.

So my question is....and this is mainly for the men because I'm trying to get a little preview of how L will react....should I ask L to let me have sex with this man I am oh so attracted to or should I just forget the whole thing and stick to partners we meet in the lifestyle even though they don't usually turn me on much?

[mopek 15]

You guys seem to have a good thing going swing-wise. You both know what you want and talk about it as well.

 

Why don't you just ask him sometime? Say " L ... how would you feel if I were to pick up a man I found attractive ? " ... mention that since there are not many opportunities for you to be with other men because you are attracted to so few, that you may want to broaden your available pool of prospects LOL ...

 

See what he says?

 

I also think that if you want that , that you be willing to allow him the same priveledge. Even though you say that men want pure sex and women a relationship ( which is probably true in general) , fair is fair.

 

mopek

[Alura 2,774]

We choose not to play with singles at all. We think there are too many dangers involved.

 

Years ago we decided on an answer should we be "propositioned" without our partner there: "How do you and your wife/husband feel about swinging?"

 

We've each had the opportunity to use it once. Unfortunately, neither of us received the right response. Maybe someday...

 

Mr. Alura

[Brit_Pair 62]

Originally posted by Ashley

So my question is....and this is mainly for the men because I'm trying to get a little preview of how L will react....should I ask L to let me have sex with this man I am oh so attracted to or should I just forget the whole thing and stick to partners we meet in the lifestyle even though they don't usually turn me on much?

Apologies if I've got this about face, but to me, the scenario you're pondering sounds like an open relationship situation. I'd say that the answer to your question depends largely upon why you and your boyfriend got into swinging in the first place, and what you want now. If the principle idea was/is to enhance the pleasure that you share with each other, then he may react badly to your suggestion. If the principle idea was/is to increase the variety of lovers you experience as individuals (and as a couple) then he may be far more responsive to your suggestion.

 

But then I analyzed the whole thing and I think it's entirely a different situation for a man vs. a woman. If I pick up a single man chances are his expectation is for a purely sexual encounter (and of course L would be present) whereas if L picks up a single woman, chances are she's looking for a relationship.

I think you may be attempting to justify your own desires here by using a stereotypical assumption. Why does a single woman who allows herself to be picked up have to be looking for a relationship? She might just want a solid fucking? After all, this is the 21st Century. And why does a single man have to be looking for nothing more than a fuck? He may well be in search of a soul mate.

 

The key to all this may be when you said, "I certainly wouldn't want L to do this". Again, I apologise if I sound harsh, but it sounds a little like you want to have your cake and eat it. Fine, if that works for you both.

 

What you have to do is look at a worst case scenario. Worst case, how badly would L react to your suggestion? Badly enough to damage your relationship? Weigh this risk against what you stand to gain from a fling with this man you're so attracted to. Then you'll have your answer as to what to do next.

[Roxysbayou 20]

I am also extremely picky about the men that I play with. Hubby and I both like a wide range of women . But he would never ask me to play with a man just because of the woman and I would give him the same courtesy if I did find a man that perked my interest. However, singles are a total different story. We are even more selective about the single men and would never think about playing alone. That's not why we got into this. We did this as a couple and it should remain as a couple.

 

What you have in mind sounds a little dangerous to me. Dangerous to your relationship that is. Correct me if I am wrong, but you just want to be with this man by yourself, you are not asking hubby to join you, you are asking him to allow you to stray. This troubles me.

 

I have always enjoyed your posts Ashley, you always seem to make me dive deep within myself and ponder my own actions and way of thinking. It's very easy to pass judgment or to say what I might do, but until I find myself in the same boat it is hard to say for sure.

 

As Jimminy Cricket would say...let your conscience be your guide!

[Ashley 22]

If I pick up a single man chances are his expectation is for a purely sexual encounter (and of course L would be present)

 

Roxy and Brit Pair,

Sorry if I did not make myself clear but no, this would not be an "open" relationship. I would not play without L being present. It just wouldn't be a swap situation because the person I want to play with is single and also this person is not in the lifestyle. Does that change your opinion at all?

[JustAskJulie 2,595]

Did you get this guys number or something? I'm just wondering since you are still talking about meeting with him but you didn't give him your info (at least if I read that right).

 

I agree mopek. Your best bet is to just talk to your hubby and ask him how he feels about you meeting people outside of the lifestyle to bring in to play with the two of you. I'd say that chances he will be cool with it. If he's a normal guy, he will most likely want to at least meet the guy and "approve" of him prior to playtime. But, that just makes good sense.

[Alura 2,774]

Sorry, Ashley, but I think y'all have a lot of marital issues to settle before either of you considers any kind of outside sex.

 

Mr. Alura

[OhioCouple 40]

I am going to have to agree with at least a little bit of everything that everyone has said here.

 

I believe that I mentioned to you in another post about my opinion on relationships and when they are in their youth of the relationship (not talking age here). You haven't been together long and really haven't learned what you need to learn about each other, which I feel is a very vital part of what is needed to make swinging work. Until you have established that 'connection' it is easy to misread each other which can result in a lot of hard feelings. Some that your relationship might not be able to survive.

 

Sex is a very sensitive issue and has caused just as many break ups in a relationship as money does. For my husband and myself, had either of us brought up having sex with others (in a reality situtation) early in our relationship, it would have put a huge strain on it. There most definitely would have been jealousy, insecurity and fear of losing the other. Maybe even anger. We were together nearly 6 years before really discussing swinging. Even then it was a slow road, mostly due to my fears. We have had incedences that could have broken up our relationship, but it didn't because we know each other very well.

 

I'm not trying to sound harsh and I hope you don't take it that way. Consider though getting to know each other better, attend clubs (if you like the atmosphere) but keep yourselves, unto yourselves. When or if you are ready to move ahead, you'll both know it.....sometimes it is just the *twinkle* in the eye and no other communication is needed.

 

Most importantly, don't ask for something from your partner, if you aren't willing to give them the same leeway, whether they desire to or not.

 

Just my opinion...

 

Lori

[Ashley 22]

Lori,

You are entitled to your opinion and I certainly respect it but I'm more interested in hearing coping strategies than being told not to swing period. L and I have both already decided that we want to continue. We expect to have some ups and downs and are working on our life/swing balance. You make it sound like swinging is only for long married couples and I've met enough people in the lifestyle to know that is not the case. Some of the people on the houseboat trip brought "dates" for gosh sakes. So please realize that your brand of swinging is not everyone's and stick to the issues. I don't need judgement.

[Elusive BiFem 70]

Ashley, I don't think Lori was trying to be judgmental. I agree that some of her comments occasionally tend to lean towards the idea that swinging is only for long-term, married couples. In this case, however, I think she was, for the most part, attempting to answer the question you asked and respond to what appeared to be some ambivalence on your part. If I recall correctly (and maybe I'm confusing you with someone else), I believe you were previously bothered by the fact that ya'll were swinging every weekend - more than you wanted. After the houseboat trip, you seemed to be more enthusiastic. Right?

And then you meet some man at the mall and want to have sex with him. Someone addressed that, and then you came back with the information that L would be there, too.

I was confused to. Was the intent of your original question to ask if you should tell L you wanted a MFM with this particular man? If so, why not just come right out and tell him. Seems that ya'll have ventured off on your own a bit already, so it shouldn't come as a major shock to him. If he maintains the right to say yea or nay - well, nothing ventured, nothing gained.

I do believe that you should give serious thought to the idea of how you would feel if he came home and told you he had involved himself in a conversation with a female at the mall that "floats his boat" and wanted you to participate in a FMF with her. Ganders and gooses (ganders and geeses?) - whatever - come to mind.

My impression from reading this initially was the same as Birt_Pair; that is you were looking for an open relationship. You clarified that issue. Seems there is nothing left to do other than approach L with the idea and see where it leads. - EBF

[Ashley 22]

Sorry but I interpret

attend clubs (if you like the atmosphere) but keep yourselves, unto yourselves. When or if you are ready to move ahead, you'll both know it.....

 

as judgement. I'm sure she didn't mean it that way but she needs to understand that everyone is not her and her husband.

I was asking advice about a very specific issue that had nothing to do with my other post about the frequency of our swinging. I guess it is hard for people not to remember and incorporate your other posts into thinking they know you.

[OhioCouple 40]

Originally posted by Ashley

You make it sound like swinging is only for long married couples and I've met enough people in the lifestyle to know that is not the case.

I never meant to imply that, Ashley. What I tried to convey is that everyone has a 'getting to know you stage'. Some people are soul mates from the get go and within months they are so joined at the hip and solidified that they put those that have been together for 30 years to shame. Only the individuals together know when that *specialness* occurs. I do tho believe that it takes longer than a few months or a year. I certainly was not tyring to say you had to be together "X" amount of time in order to be swinging successes. Also, many swingers have been in the lifestyle for years as singles and already know the in's and outs, but we have seen a few here on the board that when they become a couple, it becomes more complicated for them. As there are more elements in play as a couple as opposed to being a single. Mainly emotion. A single need only be concerned about themselves, a couple has their partner to be concerned about also.

 

I'm sorry that you took it the wrong way as I based my thoughts on your overall postings.

 

Lori

[Roxysbayou 20]

I have to agree. I did get the impression that you were talking about an open relationship when I first read your post. Sorry, I missed the one line about having him there. The problem with involving a single from outside of the lifestyle is that they tend to be looking fo something more. I know that the stereo type for men tends to lean more toward the wam bam and out the door types, but that is not always the case. Also if this guy has never thought about the lifestyle before, performing with a couple may be quite difficult for him. At any rate be honest with your hubby an d be up front with the other guy about what your intentions are.

[Ashley 22]

I especially liked the posts about if I am going to do this, I should be willing to let L do the same. I guess that's the bottom line....and since I'm not willing to do that, I'm just going to forget it. A hot young guy is not worth jeopardizing our relationship. Of course, I cannot say unequivocably that L won't come to me next week with the same request....but I'll just take it as it comes.

[OhioCouple 40]

Originally posted by Ashley

I'm sure she didn't mean it that way but she needs to understand that everyone is not her and her husband.

I was asking advice about a very specific issue that had nothing to do with my other post about the frequency of our swinging. I guess it is hard for people not to remember and incorporate your other posts into thinking they know you.

Perhaps what I should have said was move a little more slowly.

 

To be specific to answer your question:

.....should I ask L to let me have sex with this man I am oh so attracted to or should I just forget the whole thing and stick to partners we meet in the lifestyle even though they don't usually turn me on much?

I've never had to ask my husband to let me have sex with another. While we have never played with single men or women, I know him well enough to know that I could ask him that question, without fear of how he would react. If I came to him and said "Honey, I've just met the most remarkable person....", he would trust my judgement and be full speed ahead. He also would never expect me to settle for someone less than was acceptable to me that we meet in the lifestyle.

 

Lori

[Roxysbayou 20]

Originally posted by Ashley

A hot young guy is not worth jeopardizing our relationship.

 

Exactly. Talk to him anyway and tell him what you might like to try. MAybe with this guy maybe someone else down the road. There is nothing wrong with MFM. Just be sure that all parties are completely comfortable with it.

[TNT 1,155]

Ashley,

 

One thing that should always be remembered...there are as many different types of swinging as there are different people in the lifestyle.

 

During our time in the lifestyle we have encountered husbands who only want to watch and NEVER participate in any activity whatsoever...their sole enjoyement is derived from watching their wife be pleasured.

 

There is also a subset of swinging called "Hot Wifing" in which the husband's excitment comes from the fact that his wife goes out and dates/has sex with other men. So...as you can see it is not necessarily true that a man would expect reciprocation when faced with a question like the one I perceive that you are asking.

 

I understand that the question you are asking is not should you ask "L" if you can fuck this particular man without him...but that you are wondering if you can tell him you want this man in a MFM situation, without expecting him to one day ask for the same with a female.

 

It can and is absolutely okay for it to work this way...if both parterns are happy with the agreement. Only talking to "L" about this will let you know if he likes this scenario.

 

Good luck and have fun,

 

Ted

[Alura 2,774]

Originally posted by Ashley

I especially liked the posts about if I am going to do this, I should be willing to let L do the same. I guess that's the bottom line....and since I'm not willing to do that, I'm just going to forget it. A hot young guy is not worth jeopardizing our relationship. Of course, I cannot say unequivocably that L won't come to me next week with the same request....but I'll just take it as it comes.

 

I think that's a very good decision, Ashley. I might make one more suggestion. The next time y'all have a chance to talk, perhaps tonight at bedtime tell him you know you both have some hurt feelings from swinging and you'd like to talk about what he wants to do and what you want to do in swinging. Establish limits. Your communication on other aspects of your marriage will improve, too. You won't be afraid to tell him anything.

 

When Mrs. Alura and I first met we promised each other that we would never become angry about any question that might be asked and we'd do our best to answer it as honestly as we knew how. You might see if you could make that attitude work with L.

 

Mr. Alura

[naughty A 23]

Hi Ashley,

 

I know what you mean about finding the right couple to swing with where mutual attraction is all around (x4) I'd probably start with that in my explanation. It isn't like he doesn't already know that. If I wanted to expand it into trying a MFM situation or FMF as an alternative I'd definitely bring it up to my partner. In fact we have had several good experiences with the MFM, and several bad but lets not dwell on that.

 

Good luck.

 

Naughty A.

[Fire_and_Air 17]

For the first several parties we had gone to, when we started in the lifestyle, I too had a hard time being attracted to the male halves of the couples we'd met, whereas my bf and I both found several women we thought were hot. I started to worry about whether swinging would really work for us, as I started having little pangs of jealousy... you know, 'how come it's so easy for him to find an attractive playmate of the opposite sex, but so tough for me?' Luckily, with time, patience, experience, and learning that there is no pressure at all - that every night we attend a party does not mean that we're expected to find the right couple right then and there - things have gotten a lot better and we have met quite a few sexy couples who we're friends with now, and may have more intimate fun with as we get to know them better.

 

Regarding your attraction to this man you met in the mall... are you still in touch with him? I think honesty would be the best policy... if you're still talking to him, and you really would like to have a MFM with him and your husband, you should bring it up with both... who knows, you may be pleasantly surprised. Your husband would appreciate your honesty and that you are not planning to exclude him... and in turn, if one day your husband approaches you with a similar scenario, you will be able to take it in stride better.

 

I was recently in touch with an old high school friend of mine, and was shocked to discover how far he had come from his adolescent days.... this guy made me aware of him sexually in a way I hadn't felt in a long time. And the feeling was mutual... but as we were very up front and honest with each other, he knew about my boyfriend and I knew that he was also in a relationship with someone else. I got up the courage to broach the topic of 3somes, 4somes, and swinging with him, and guess what his reaction was.... he said to me "You don't know how big my smile is right now after hearing you bring this topic up".... it turns out that he and his lady friend have also been experimenting with the lifestyle!

 

He talked about it with his girlfriend, and I talked about it with my boyfriend, and all of us are looking forward to the idea of meeting one day (the biggest obstacle is distance - he lives 2500 miles away, and his girlfriend is in Europe). When we do meet, hopefully all 4 of us will click so we can enjoy each other.

 

But the point is... when you're in a lifestyle where sex is accepted as something that is open and can be shared among different parties without being so frowned upon, there's little to gain by not going ahead and just being honest with your feelings.

[Lovers6770 16]

Originally posted by Ashley

Those of you who have read my prior posts know that I am fairly new to swinging and that I'm a bit ambivalent about it. My latest dilemma revolves around the fact that I am not sexually attracted to very many men while L, my bf is attracted to a very wide range of women... ...should I ask L to let me have sex with this man I am oh so attracted to or should I just forget the whole thing and stick to partners we meet in the lifestyle even though they don't usually turn me on much?

 

Hi Ashley,

I don't wish to extend this thread any longer than you wished in order to get some feeback as you asked, especially since you have already said that you have made up your mind. But, if you're willing to get another 2 cents worth of insight/feedback from a different perspective than I have read thus far, then please read my comments (w/history) below. I suspect I may take some heat for a couple of my comments but I don't mind.

 

History: Kalin & I are in a similar, but reverse yet slightly different situation.

 

Reversed: I'm like you these days. Kalin & I enjoy swinging, but we each find different things in the people we meet of interest to us on both a sexual and nonsexual nature and a couple she finds interesting may not be of much intersted to me and vice-versa. My "opening up" lately has me interested in experiencing encounters that meet more of my interests & desires and wanting to start exploring FMF encounters and increased sexual frequency/satisfaction either just the two of us or with others.

 

Similar: We do the MFM thing from time to time with one single guy we met through a club outing and enjoy the time we spend together with him. I enjoy seeing her enjoy herself.

 

Different: We started in on the MFM without the need for "tit-for-tat" encounters. We are married going on 10 yrs and have been swinging 3+ yrs.

 

Comments/observations:

First "Swinging" implies "shared" activities. I don't wish to pass judgement on behaviors here just to set the record straight on terminology. This sharing can take may forms, but ultimately one way or another it needs to connect back with your primary partner in a way you both agree is acceptible. What ever you wish to do is fine by me as long as your true to yourself. Others may not share this sentiment however.

 

While in general we find most "stable" swing relationships to be "long-term married 30&40 somethings in the lifestyle together for a few years", we have seen our share of these "LTRs" die/or nearly so in the early swing stages.

 

The duration of relationship/marriage seems to be far less of a determining factor than the duration/extend of swing encounters they have experienced TOGETHER. i.e. recent relationship w/ intense/numerous encounters = 25+yrs married soulmates having played from day one only occasionally through the years.

 

Same but reversed goes as well i.e. 25+ married but new/recent swingers = experienced swingers in a new relationship tend to be just as rocky in swinging difficulties.

 

A second factor is communication/conflict resolution styles. different is a problem/similar is best. This is independent of what style that is i.e. avoiders or head-on. Good communication skills definately helps, but this should not be confused with style issues.

 

I also found you seeming to say/imply that you were "having thoughts of playing separate" even though you would not "do it" per se without him (L / bf). Don't let "others pressure you" into a more "defendable" space. The fact that you have "kinda been hiding" the current situation from L thus far shows that you are having "mixed feelings" about you desires/actions to date. It is understandable that some people look to avoid conflict if possible over a "non-event", but don't let it get out of control i.e. lying/active concealment. I think this is something you already figured out by the thread title you chose and maybe just need a little reassurance to do what you already know to be the right thing to do.

 

Jealousy is a typical protective reaction in many people as a natural byproduct of intense love when threatened by an uncontrolled factor, however, it can also be the byproduct of a controlling or needy relationship. Anybody that does not feel some minimal jealousy at times should question their true feelings for the other person they say they love. The key is how one feels "after" the impluse behavior passes. If its still there then its time for action/talk to resolve the underlying reasons.

 

I don't buy into the notion that woman are any different than men when it come to sexual desire. Both have been shown to have equal behavior tendencies to seek-out sexual encounters with more than one person during their sexually active life cycle. The notion of us being strictly monogamous is counter to our biology and it is only by means of strong environmental & social influence that we "settle-in" on that form of behavior.

 

I do believe that these influences have structured a situation in general that tends to reward females to adopt a "game strategy" that focuses them torwards connecting "emotional connectedness" and "sexual interaction", but I argue that this is not biological in nature. So absent of this pressure a female will "seek-out" sex without alternate reasons beyond the basic satisfaction of the encounter when permitted.

 

You already have prior evidence and communication from L that separate play is OK at times and that he likes to watch you have sex. He just wants some limits or ability to say no when he feels uncomfortable. This is perfectly normal/reasonable on his & your part for that matter.

 

I do feel that there are some other issues in the relationship that likely could use some improvement/strengthening, but I don't think that it automatically precludes continuing to enjoy lifestyle activities together. You and he are the best judges of the state of your feelings for each other which is the critical factor in that decision.

 

Ashley, you have the right to live YOUR sex life as YOU desire, married, commited, open or what ever other conditions that exist. You have to, at ALL times, do what is BEST OVERALL for YOU. Anything less would be unfair to yourself, but the keyword is OVERALL and not to let any ONE factor control you but for YOU to control IT.

 

OK anybody that would like to debate any of the comments lets start another thread on the particular issues.

 

Sincerely,

Paul & Kalin

[Ashley 22]

Thanks for the post. L is out of town on a business trip right now but I am going to ask him how he feels about either of us inviting people from outside the lifestyle to play. That seems like a pretty innocuous question to me and will open things up for me to tell him the whole story and give me a frame of reference for when these types of things happen in the future. Knowing his personality, it would not surprise me at all to get the green light from him to go ahead. He's a very sexually open person and as you noted, he does enjoy seeing me enjoy my sexuality. At the same time I am reminded of the axiom "Be careful what you wish for". I know I would just freak out if he wanted to do the same....oh well, deal with it when and if it happens.

 

I tend to agree with you that we may be more stable than long married couples that have not swung much simply because we've had to face a lot of issues(and survived)in a short amount of time.

 

Both of us do tend to be conflict avoiders and I found this part of your post to be very thought provoking. I don't feel though that I have been hiding anything from him....just have not had much opportunity to discuss it due to work schedules, etc. Certainly having a conversation with an attractive man and thinking, "gee, this guy is attractive to me" but not doing anything is not something that I feel compelled to rush to disclose. As you said, it was a "non-event". After all we are separate people and always will be no matter how committed we are to one another.

 

I just want to thank you for a very thoughtful and thought provoking post. You have given me much to ponder.

[Ashley 22]

Well, not surprisingly, L said "go for it" but I don't think I will....this time....the moment has passed though I know where to find the man in question. The best thing to come out of this is the discussion we had about our sexuality, our philosophies and our agreements. I don't recommend it for everyone but swinging has certainly accelerated the getting to know each other process.

[Alura 2,774]

Originally posted by Ashley

The best thing to come out of this is the discussion we had about our sexuality, our philosophies and our agreements.

 

That's wonderful, Ashley. It will only get better in the future.

 

Mr. Alura

[Uneed_Love 15]

Originally posted by Roxysbayou

As Jimminy Cricket would say...let your conscience be your guide!

I've always been wondering why Jimminy Cricket was wearing a top hat untill today... Roxy you bring me the light!

 

Well, the fact You're making a reference to him let me think that Jimminy could be a swinger... and that he could use his top hat to hidde his huge erections... Can you imagine a conscience with a hardon... this would not be very serious!.... Just my 2 cents here.

 

Serious JC

[Roxysbayou 20]

Originally posted by Uneed_Love

I've always been wondering why Jimminy Cricket was wearing a top hat untill today... Roxy you bring me the light!

 

Well, the fact You're making a reference to him let me think that Jimminy could be a swinger... and that he could use his top hat to hidde his huge erections... Can you imagine a conscience with a hardon... this would not be very serious!.... Just my 2 cents here.

 

Serious JC

 

I will never be able to Pinocchio again with out pictureing Jimminy Crickey with a hard on !!!

[incommunicado 228]

Originally posted by Alura

Sorry, Ashley, but I think y'all have a lot of marital issues to settle before either of you considers any kind of outside sex.

Mr. Alura

 

I'm with Mr. Alura. It seems that you have worked out an "arrangement" more than in involvement. You're not only, not interested (most of the time) in sex with other men, but jealous of him when he has sex with others. Youseem to tolerate swinging together and his swinging seperately, more than participate. That's why alarm bells go off in my head about these two men you met. If you were attracted to other men along the way, and could enjoy them as (what my wife calls, "the human toy chest"), I wouldn't raise an eyebrow. But, the fact that two men suddenly knock you out, makes me think they are pushing the deeper buttons meant more for your boyfriend then for others.

 

For the record, I have sort of a "romantic notion" towards swinging. I see it far less as "whoo hoo! free and open sex!" and a lot more as a continuation of what my wife and I share together. Giving up my possesiveness of her, and enjoying her pleasure with others takes our relationship to a new level. It makes our connection to one another more than just a promise of sexual fidelity. So, when I read about couples who swing because the other wants to, or because they learned that they can't be faithful to one another and this was the last ditch attempt to save their marriage, or any other (what I consider to be) less healthy approach, I get concerned.