Unexpected email from wife of "single male"

[PB&J 1,086]

Well, this is disconcerting! We went to a house party a couple of months ago at some new friends, and met some very nice people, including an extremely nice single guy. I gave him our card, he got in touch, we invited him to a party we're having a couple of weeks from now, and he accepted enthusiastically.

 

THEN, this week, we started getting emails from a woman who said she's found our card in her husband's pocket. We've been sort of playing a bit of a game for a few days, trying to figure out who/where, and tonight it's become clear that her husband is the "single guy"(which is a pity because we were hoping it was a cute couple we'd met and lost track of one place or another). She's told me that they used to play together, they had some sort of bad experience with some other guy, now he's not sure about "sharing" her, but she's happy to hear that he's been swinging on the side because it maybe means she'll be able to talk him into letting her swing again.

 

Yikes! I've emailed her already, assuring her that we will NOT be playing with him again, and telling her to sit down and TALK about it, and wishing her luck. Sounds like she really wants to get back into this and he's the one who's reluctant to let her. I've also PM'd the party hosts asking them if they were aware.

 

I haven't emailed him back yet to uninvite him to our party. I'm honestly not sure exactly how to phrase it. This isn't covered in Emily Post!!

 

What a bummer. I was looking forward to seeing him again, but not enough to put up with this potential for drama!!

[ncmd_couple 597]

I think that I would probably just send him an e-mail that says that you have become aware that he is married and not a single male as he had represented and that you would not be playing again with him unless his wife was with him. Let him get his act together at home before he is welcome to come to a party of yours.

[LikeMinds321 1,527]

Your wife contacted us. Since you aren't a single male, as you had claimed, we are no longer interested in extending to you an invitation to our party. We are not interested in pursuing a relationship with you.

 

 

That's what I would write.

 

We wouldn't be interested in him now even if his wife came to the party with him.

[TwoAreLooking 58]

I like the two approaches above, although I find the first one more palatable. I like the phrasing of the second, though.

 

We had something similar, although no where near as horrifying/drama-potentialed. (is that a word? feh.)

 

Anyway: we met a guy for coffee. All alone, by himself, solo, no steady girlfriend. A week or so goes by. The day before we had a playdate was a Saturday, and... he had a date. No big. I asked if this was a first date (going on prior info), and got an answer of "sort of." Really? Ya don't say. Red flags making whistling noises as they hoist themselves...

 

The next bit of info was that he'd been hanging out a lot with this woman, and the clear implication was that she was his girlfriend.

 

We cancelled. Don't lie. We got lucky in that I'm kinda pushy and keep talking until I find out the particulars.

[JustAskJulie 2,595]

I would lean towards two4you's reply as well. It leaves a little more gap in the door for him to talk to his wife, imo.

[LikeMinds321 1,527]

My reason for being blunt and not leaving the door open for further communication is that I would not want to encourage either of them to ask me to help them with their swinger discourse.

 

...now he's not sure about "sharing" her, but she's happy to hear that he's been swinging on the side because it maybe means she'll be able to talk him into letting her swing again....

 

I don't want to help her talk him into anything. I don't want to become a counselor for a couple who is not seeing eye to eye on swinging. That is asking for trouble. You only just met him. You've never met the wife, you don't know them as a "couple." If this was a couple we'd known for some time who had some type of swinging issue, then I would be open to offering some help and advice to friends.

 

This guy is not your friend. I don't care how sweet, nice, or hot this guy is, he's a guy who lied, he's a guy who won't let his wife play with other guys but he still is out looking for sex.

[TwoAreLooking 58]

I don't want to help her talk him into anything. I don't want to become a counselor for a couple who is not seeing eye to eye on swinging. That is asking for trouble. LM

 

True

 

This guy is not your friend. I don't care how sweet, nice, or hot this guy is, he's a guy who lied, he's a guy who won't let his wife play with other guys but he still is out looking for sex.

LM

 

Grr. Also true.

 

Me? I'm more of a let's-see person. D? He's shut him down immediately.

 

His instincts are so good that sometimes I can do WWDD in my head to figure stuff out.

[VANudistcpl 109]

First things first - He's not sure about sharing his wife, then why is he out there posing as a single guy? I don't consider it sharing my wife, it is her decision if she wants to play and we discuss this well before the playdate.

 

I would tell him that when you both are ready, give us a call and we'll see what happens. Chances are we would at least meet them.

 

This may be another thread, but we are seeing this happen (married men posing as singles) more and more. Last night while on Swing Lifestyle we had one trying to set up a meeting. Kept changing the subject when we brought up his "partner", he finally said that he was setting up the house and she was in St. Louis. A lot of red flags in the conversation, so we sent him on his way.

[PB&J 1,086]

Thanks for the input! I'm with Likeminds on the staying out of it. I don't want to get involved at all in the situation; I told her to talk to him and not me about it, and wished her luck. He did seem like a nice guy but obviously, not so much. I'm going with the following:

 

This is a little awkward. You see, your wife found our card and has been in touch with us. Now, obviously, when we met you we thought you were a single guy, and invited you to our party on that understanding. However, now that the situation has changed, we will not be able to welcome you to our party, since for us swinging is something to do with one's spouse, if one is married. We hope that the two of you can work things out.

[Trace Ekies 186]

We would react like likeminds...give him both barrels for lying and hit the block button.

 

If he has a wife he should be honest about it, if he has an agreement with her to swing alone he should be honest about it, if he doesn't mind "sharing" someone else's wife while he refuses to do the same he should be honest about it....

 

I'm getting angrier by the moment...

 

I'd steer clear of her as well...how many women do you know that would react in such a way under the circumstances?

 

Block and move on...

[Newpants 21]

Well, this is disconcerting! We went to a house party a couple of months ago at some new friends, and met some very nice people, including an extremely nice single guy. I gave him our card, he got in touch, we invited him to a party we're having a couple of weeks from now, and he accepted enthusiastically.

 

THEN, this week, we started getting emails from a woman who said she's found our card in her husband's pocket. We've been sort of playing a bit of a game for a few days, trying to figure out who/where, and tonight it's become clear that her husband is the "single guy". (which is a pity because we were hoping it was a cute couple we'd met and lost track of one place or another) She's told me that they used to play together, they had some sort of bad experience with some other guy, now he's not sure about "sharing" her, but she's happy to hear that he's been swinging on the side because it maybe means she'll be able to talk him into letting her swing again.

 

Yikes! I've emailed her already, assuring her that we will NOT be playing with him again, and telling her to sit down and TALK about it, and wishing her luck. Sounds like she really wants to get back into this and he's the one who's reluctant to let her. I've also PM'd the party hosts asking them if they were aware.

 

I haven't emailed him back yet, to uninvite him to our party. I'm honestly not sure exactly how to phrase it. This isn't covered in Emily Post!!

 

What a bummer. I was looking forward to seeing him again, but not enough to put up with this potential for drama!!

 

You are right to be concerned and right to dump his ass and not look back but there has to be more to this story. Something just isn't adding up right. Someone here is a complete wacko and I don't know if it is him or the wife.

 

This doesn't make any sense, he poses as a single guy but has his wife home unaware who wants to swing but he won't let her but now that she found out he is getting some on the side she is glad and hopes he lets her swing again?????

 

No, uh-uh, the world just doesn't work that way. Someone here is trying to pull off some kind of major cloak and dagger mindfuck. Either she is one manipulative cookie trying to get more information out of you for evidence for a divorce hearing or she is a just total whackjob.

 

OR he is the manipulative psycho and is afraid you were starting to suspect that he was married or his cover got blown at the party and is afraid you heard about it and so now he putting down a preemptive smokescreen to make it look like his wife is Ok with him fucking around.

 

Either way someone here is a loose cannon and I would highly suggest you do more than just uninvite him to the party. I would seriously consider changing the date/time/place of the party so he/she can't be stalking around in the bushes or just popping in saying he didn't get the uninvite message or God knows what else is going on in his/her twisted mind.

 

Something is really wrong here, be watching your back.

[ViSexual 1,008]

This guy is a jerk! He wants to swing but he doesn't want his wife to. So, how many affairs has he had too? Untrustworthy, self-centered, and unsafe!

[PB&J 1,086]

The more I think about it the stranger and sadder it is. Our party hosts had no clue either- it makes me wonder about how easy it is to get the wrong impression about someone, because he did seem like a nice guy. We have to take a lot on trust in the lifestyle, and it's too bad when things like this happen. Oh well, onward and upward!

[PB&J 1,086]

Update on this situation... party came and went, with no sign of the husband. The friends we met him through were at the party, and hadn't heard from him at all. On the other hand, I got another email from the woman, saying that she is now single, and would we introduce her to the lifestyle? I said thanks but no thanks, pointed her in the direction of a local website and a good club in Toronto, and wished her luck.

 

Weird.

[Swing*8701 887]

Well, one could say they must have talked and worked it out. If she was going through his clothes for 'cards' there must have been a much higher level of problem going on, and what you found was high enough.

[sweet_tna 680]

Yeah, I'd have called him on the lie and walked away, too. If he'd been upfront about his situation, that might have been another story.

 

Even if the stories you're getting from them are true, it's still a little too dodgy for me. I think you did right to move on.

[couplesdeli 15]

Curious that the guy was sneaking around behind the girl's back, but she wants to swing lol.

[bbarnsworth 2,643]

Curious that the guy was sneaking around behind the girl's back, but she wants to swing lol.

 

Yeah, I picked up on that too. I read it as possibly this; she finds out her man is cheating on her by swinging, is furious with him, kicks him out and breaks up with him. She's mad as hell about the cheating, and won't put up with it. But, she's intrigued by the idea of consensual swinging.

[appliancesex 66]

I know lots of men are horrible jackasses, but did the thought ever cross your mind that maybe he was telling the truth about being single? Maybe they were together at some point, but not any more? what is odd to me about this whole thing is that you actually met this guy, but you want to immediately jump to conclusions based on an email from this guys alleged wife.

 

When I met my fiance, I was separated with very little chance of getting back together. After the first couple emails, she asked me if I had a myspace account. Fuck if I could remember... who uses myspace anymore? So she asks for my email address to look it up. Soon she replies over instant message, "you're married??"

 

Now, if she had taken the road you are taking with this guy, blowing me off based on some electronic text and not given me a chance to explain or see what the hell is going on, I would have been out the best relationship I've ever encountered. I dunno. She'd still be in providence.

 

I'm sure the chance that this guy is indeed committing an act of douchebaggery. But at the same time, I think it would have been courteous to at least give him a chance to explain.

[slevin 1,374]

Appliance: based on the nicely worded email they sent him I think it offered him an opportunity to respond and explain. If there was something to explain. The fact that he never did says to me that he was married and cheating. I think PB&J handled it perfectly.

 

bbarnsworth: I think they mentioned somewhere that the wife told them this couple had tried swinging together, but the guy had jealousy issues. So they stopped swinging and he started going behind her back. She had enjoyed swinging and stopped because he had issues...

[PB&J 1,086]

Appliance: they were together enough that she found our card in his possession. I know that because she sent email to both addresses on the card. That was enough for me; he had claimed to be completely single to his play partners, and I am looking for more honesty than that. And our mutual friends have not heard from him since then either, which they say is odd.

 

Let's face it, I'm not looking for a lifetime relationship in swinging, so the parallel to your own situation isn't accurate.

 

I think PB&J handled it perfectly.

Thanks, Slevin!

[appliancesex 66]

Ok, I don't want to beat a dead horse, but I still think that there are hundreds of other what-if scenarios out there. This could be a psycho ex he stupidly had break-up sex with, or possibly (and more realistically) a psycho roommate or anything. I just thought it was weird that one would immediately believe an email from someone they'd never met over someone they had intimate physical relations with.

 

I also think that if the mutual friends didn't even know that he was married they couldn't possibly have been that close to him to know anything more about him then you did.

 

And, yes, I guess my analogy sucked, but I was hoping one could replace "would have been out the best relationship I've ever encountered" with "would have missed out on a great friendship with a girl who came over to fix my pipes when I needed it" or something.

 

The wording of your email, though nicely worded, was still a little more confrontational than I would have wanted to deal with. I do applaud you for how you dealt with the woman though. She seems like a bucket of drama to me.

[two4youinswva 3,068]

Ok, I don't want to beat a dead horse, but I still think that there are hundreds of other what-if scenarios out there. This could be a psycho ex he stupidly had break-up sex with, or possibly (and more realistically) a psycho roommate or anything. I just thought it was weird that one would immediately believe an email from someone they'd never met over someone they had intimate physical relations with.

 

Doesn't matter if they believe it or not. Red flags went up, they trusted their instincts, and made a decision. I've said it before, we've never regretted not swinging with a person/couple, but we have regretted swinging with a couple and not trusting our instincts.

 

What if it was a psycho roommate or psycho ex? Want her showing up at your party looking to "make things right"?

[Rivertour 51]

Very scary stuff...We occasionally will have a single male join us, but never in our wildest imagination would we think something like this could happen. Easy to believe the "single male" is married, but throw in the wife who now knows and want to get back in...whew, not good...Maybe the issue is with the husband..(jealous, but wants his fun) any other scenario is more trouble than anyone needs...Back away quickly, very quickly. A serious red flag.

[appliancesex 66]

Doesn't matter if they believe it or not. Red flags went up, they trusted their instincts, and made a decision. I've said it before, we've never regretted not swinging with a person/couple, but we have regretted swinging with a couple and not trusting our instincts.

 

What if it was a psycho roommate or psycho ex? Want her showing up at your party looking to "make things right"?

 

Ok, good point. I think my reply was more of a gut reaction to the lynch mob that was forming [here] around the single guy.

 

But you are right, it's better to be safe than sorry. I just feel bad for the guy if he does have a psycho ex. It's unfortunate that losers from your past end up screwing up your future.