A little confused by wife's reaction to FFM

[fairbankspeople 15]

A little history first. My wife and I have a mutual fried we'll call "Elle". My wife is bi and so is Elle, but my wife has stated that she is not sexually interested in her. Through past conversations Elle knows that we are in the lifestyle. A few weeks ago my wife and I had Elle over for cocktails and conversation. We all hung out and talked until late. At one point my wife stated to me (privately) that she wasn't interested in anything happening this evening. When we were getting ready for bed Elle came up and kissed me while my wife was in the other room. I told Elle that I didn't think my wife was interested. We all went into bed and Elle began kissing my wife. My wife responded by kissing her back and it progressed to a really hot threesome.

The next morning my wife told me that she was upset at me for pushing it on her and she really wished it could've been her idea. I'll admit that I created the situation by inviting Elle over and there was some sexual tension between her and I, but my wife never said no or gave an indication that she didn't want to do it other than what was said earlier in the night.

Any thoughts?

[sexcupid 809]

Your wife previously stated she was not sexually attracted to Elle. The same night that your friend is over visiting, she stated that she didn't want anything to happen that night...and that was communicated to Elle.

 

So, why did she come to bed with you? Why didn't she go home, or if she wasn't fit to drive, to the couch or a guest room?

 

Regardless of how hot it turned out...basically you and Elle were hot to trot and your wife felt like she was being put in a place that she felt she didn't have a choice but to play. As her partner, you should have her back (as well as she should have yours).

 

Just because someone is bi does not mean that they are interested in having sex with just any other bi person (male or female).

 

What exactly are you confused about in the aftermath?

[cocpl2007 170]

Just seems like you, and DW have to come to an understanding of the word "No"! She tells you "no" not interested, not once but twice. You ignore her statement, and invite "Elie" over anyway... and set-up a sexual opportunity, which is just what happens. So, now you are confused? About what? Happened just like you planned, and set in motion!

[VegasLee 1,486]

Nothing to be confused about. Many times wives or husbands will go along to get along at the time but bottom line is you messed up.

 

Time for you to buy the flowers and kiss up big times.

 

Remember, diamonds are a ladies best friend.

 

You might want to consider not just hearing the wifes words next time but really listening to her.

[LFM2 1,482]

Like Lee said, Nothing to be confused about.

 

Your wife said she didn't want to play with Elle, yet, you seemed to have overlooked that by first starting out kissing her. Maybe your wife went along with this to keep the peace. I don't know.

 

What I do know is you're not communicating with your wife. You might be hearing what she's saying, but you're not listening. She said no. You went against that.

[Alura 2,774]

We all went into bed and Elle began kissing my wife. My wife responded by kissing her back and it progressed to a really hot threesome.

Any thoughts?

 

I'm just a hick Okie, and my experience with FMF is limited, but my thoughts are that your wife wasn't all that opposed to the situation. 'Course, I'm just guessing...

 

Alura

[Coupleerotic22 1,419]

I'm just a hick Okie, and my experience with FMF is limited, but my thoughts are that your wife wasn't all that opposed to the situation. 'Course, I'm just guessing...

 

Alura

 

It sounds like, in this case, the wife went along so as to not to rock the boat. Some people feel it's best to "go along" in the moment and deal with the aftermath in private. I don't like that course of action, but it happens.

 

My wife loves to please me and has been know to do this from time to time in the past. Before we have got into the lifestyle, we made it clear with each other that that scenario is a very bad idea. Sounds like the OP needs to have the same heart to heart and LISTEN.

[Alura 2,774]

It's hard for us (or anyone) to know why the wife acted as she did, but one thing seems certain to me. If she really didn't want to participate in the threesome she could have protested or simply left the room.

 

A good start in the conversation that needs to happen is exactly why the wife had no sexual interest in Elle and, despite that, responded to her overtures enough that "a hot threesome" ensued.

 

It sounds to me that there is a lot of created drama in this situation, not the least of which is on the part of the wife.

 

Also, Elle is depicted as the aggressor that evening, the force that kept things moving. Was she really?

 

Alura

[Newpants 21]

I'll admit that I created the situation by inviting Elle over and there was some sexual tension between her and I, but my wife never said no or gave an indication that she didn't want to do it other than what was said earlier in the night.

 

How long have you been married? On second thought a better question might be, how much longer would you like to be married?

 

There is nothing to be confused about here. You wife is pissed because you were manipulative and disregarded her wishes on a number of occasions.

 

 

I'm not giving the wife a free pass here either. How many times a day do people say on these boards that actions speak louder than words? Well, carpet-munching on some gal is some pretty loud speaking.

 

Two words come to mind here - Passive/Aggressive. You can't participate in something and then bitch about it the next day.

 

Manipulation and disregard coupled with passive/aggressive is a very dangerous combination that can blow up big time eventually. If you want to maintain peace in your household and stay out of divorce court you both may want to take a closer look at some of your dynamics in the household and heed whatever warning signs that are present.

[LikeMinds321 1,527]

All three of you made mistakes.

 

It isn't uncommon for people to do things for the wrong reasons, I think you all are guilty of this.

 

Realize where each of you used poor judgment, admit to taking wrong turns, learn from this experience and decide on how to avoid making the same mistake again.

 

LM

[Tia Vampire 167]

If I was you wife, Elle would have gotten a kiss good night and that was it. She should have not let it go any further if she was truely not interested. Yes, Elle was being pushy. Your wife should have pushed back and you should have had her back if she could not handle the situation.

 

Hope this has been a lesson learned. Think with your head, not with your head

[slevin 1,374]

I want to hear the rest of the story.There is definitely more to the situation than what was let on in the original post.

 

- Why did your wife comment half way through the evening that she didn't want anything to happen? What prompted this?

- Why did you invite Elle over? Is this a normal occurrence?

- How did Elle end up in your bedroom?

- Honestly, what were your intentions when you invited Elle over?

[RDfnd 180]

Although the exact chemistry of the evening will only ever be truly known to the three of you who participated, it seems to me that despite your wife saying that she wasn't interested in anything happening that evening, she very well might have been. If not, why did she respond in kind to Elle's advances and the sexual escalation that seems to have taken place? If it turned into a really hot threesome, she had to be at the very least willing.

 

Your wife's statement that: "she really wished it could've been her idea" is a far cry from wishing it hadn't happen.

[lustylearning 705]

Good points on all levels. Now what have you achieved? A sexual conquest, the price of which is pain or anger or resentment... To all parties, was it worth it?

[Alura 2,774]

I don't agree, LustyLearning. I think it's one of life's learning opportunities that they could develop into a fulfilling communication few couples, (especially straight ones) ever dream of. If they choose to, untold adventures lie in their future, and not just in swinging.

 

Alura

[lustylearning 705]

I don't agree, LustyLearning. I think it's one of life's learning opportunities that they could develop into a fulfilling communication few couples, (especially straight ones) ever dream of. If they choose to, untold adventures lie in their future, and not just in swinging.

 

Alura

 

Oh, no, please don't misunderstand me. I agree with you completely. My question was intended to provoke both inward reflection by those involved and further discussion. There's no reason to believe this was an "epic fail" situation. But if any of the three answers the question with, "No, this wasn't worth it," then I do believe they owe it to themselves to make a change.

 

My post may have been a bit curt. My apologies:)

[Chicup 41]

The next morning my wife told me that she was upset at me for pushing it on her and she really wished it could've been her idea. I'll admit that I created the situation by inviting Elle over and there was some sexual tension between her and I, but my wife never said no or gave an indication that she didn't want to do it other than what was said earlier in the night.

Any thoughts?

 

This sounds more like a bit of buyers remorse than a major issue.

 

The fact that she wanted it to be HER idea I think is the give away.

 

Here is my timeline with limited data:

 

1- She has threesome

2 - She likes threesome

3 - She isn't so sure the next morning when the hormones fade

4 - Its your fault for pushing her!

 

All she would have had to say to stop it is I'm not comfortable with this at some point. Thats not really a major rocking the boat and standard swinger 101. She failed there. You failed because you didn't get 'so do you want to do her' from her to be sure.

 

I though know my wife enough that if she starts to take off the clothes thats a 'yes'.

[Lascivious L&L 866]

Yes, she did have buyer's remorse. And yes she did say she wished it were her idea. At least that's his side of the story. We haven't heard hers.

 

But according to him she also said don't do it, at least twice. She may have been wise enough to know she'd have buyer's remorse. No should be treated and acted on as no, even if that no is in reality a maybe.

 

He and Elle both seemed to understand that if they pushed, they'd get their way. So they did. The big question is now what? The elephant will be in the room the next time Elle visits. I sure hope they're willing to communicate rather than do this dance again.

[fun4Ds 1,098]

The next morning my wife told me that she was upset at me for pushing it on her and she really wished it could've been her idea.

Fairbankspeople, I'm a little confused also

 

Your wife said something very important here, and opens the door for great conversation after play.

 

Is this what your confused about ?

 

Is this the first time for you, in a FFM situation ?

 

Help us, help you

 

Fun4ds

[JustAskJulie 2,595]

Fairbanks - please come back and fill in the blanks. You obviously felt you needed some answers when you came here, perhaps you have worked past this with your wife and we'd love to know that was the case as well.

[fairbankspeople 15]

Ok here's the rest of the blanks.

 

-Like I said, we're all mutual friends. Elle has us over for social evenings. Our kids play together and we ALL enjoy each others' company. My intentions were just a social evening.

- I've learned that my wife made the comment that she didn't want anything to happen because she really likes Elle's best friend and did not want to jeopardize chances of something happening there.

- Elle ended up coming into our bedroom to say goodnight. In retrospect, the goodnight was very forward.

-Ill admit that Elle was aggressive and that unto itself is a huge turn on for me. She was also very aggressive in the bedroom which was not a turn-on for my wife as she is a very sensual person and doesn't like it rough. Buyers remorse.

 

I believe we've talked it through and not damaged any friendships. All is well. I hope this sheds a little more light on the subject.

[JustAskJulie 2,595]

Good to hear you've talked it through. I think the biggest question most of us had was how she ended up in the bedroom to begin with, which you answered. In the end it sounds like Elle made the moves and your wife didn't rebuff, perhaps she expected you to step in but in the end she has to be willing to hold to her own limitations and not expect you to just do it for her.

[lizandtom 512]

I've learned that my wife made the comment that she didn't want anything to happen because she really likes Elle's best friend and did not want to jeopardize chances of something happening there.

 

You and Elle have chemistry, and sometimes your wife has chemistry with Elle it would seem. Your wife is avoiding play with Elle so as to better get to Elle's best friend.

 

Is it just me or am I seeing that Mrs. Fairbanks is being a bit selfish here, and somewhat manipulative? Sounds like Elle is a means to an end for her.

[slevin 1,374]

You and Elle have chemistry, and sometimes your wife has chemistry with Elle it would seem. Your wife is avoiding play with Elle so as to better get to Elle's best friend.

 

Is it just me or am I seeing that Mrs. Fairbanks is being a bit selfish here, and somewhat manipulative? Sounds like Elle is a means to an end for her.

 

My first thought was; why not invite Elle and her best friend over and have a real party

[fairbankspeople 15]

You and Elle have chemistry, and sometimes your wife has chemistry with Elle it would seem. Your wife is avoiding play with Elle so as to better get to Elle's best friend.

 

Is it just me or am I seeing that Mrs. Fairbanks is being a bit selfish here, and somewhat manipulative? Sounds like Elle is a means to an end for her.

 

I think that the imaginations are running wild.

More blanks to fill in. We've been friends with Elle's friend much longer and met Elle through her. There's been missed opportunities in the past and now the friend is in a vanilla relationship and unavailable. The mrs has had an attraction to the friend for a long time and is concerned that what happened would affect a future possibility.

[lizandtom 512]

What happens in the lifestyle stays in the lifestyle. What would happen between Mrs. Fair and Elle stays between them, wouldn't it? Seems like there wouldn't be any reason for the friend to know if she's in a vanilla no swing relationship.

[sweet_tna 680]

Ah, now the lightbulb flickers on. I'm glad ya'll talked this through and worked it out, as this had the makings of a major problem for all involved. Still and all, it's a good remind for all of us that if we are uncomfortable about ANYTHING in a lifestyle situation, it's our responsibility to say NO and discuss it with our partner. It's our partner's responsibility to heed that NO.

 

As for the "real" reason behind Mrs. Fairbanks' objections . . . I understand the hesitation, to a point. There's a couple Mr. Sweet and I have been interested in for some time. The interest appears to be mutual, but we've had a couple missed opportunities. We're still good friends, and I've more or less let go of the idea that the sexual attraction will ever come to fruition. If it happens, then great. But if not, it just wasn't meant to be. In the meantime, Mr. Sweet and I plan to move on to "greener pastures."

 

Best of luck to ya'll,

 

Sweet =)