Telling my wife and the other husband to stop...Was I wrong?

[Oilsnake 15]

Hello to everyone,

 

My wife and I went to a swing club this past weekend for our second time. For the first few hours we had a blast as we danced to the live band that was playing. During that time we talked to a few couples, but none really got our attention. Around midnight, a couple we were both attracted to approach us and started chatting. After about 30 minutes, the wife of the couple asked if we wanted to go up stairs for a full swap. My wife and I talked about having one before, but weren’t ready and decided to stick to soft swap at most before going into the club that night. My wife asked what I thought after the other wife asked us. My first reaction was no, but I was attracted to the other wife and I knew my wife was attracted to the husband. I told the wife, let’s give it a try and if one of us gets uncomfortable, we could stop. Both wives started off kissing each other, but not much else. Then both wives went to the others husband. At this point, I was doing ok and my wife seemed to be enjoying herself. Over the next few minutes a lot of oral was going on. The thing is as much as I found the other wife attractive, I just found myself wanting to be touching my wife with the other husband involved. The reason we got into this in the first place was for me to see my wife enjoy herself. I told the other wife that we needed to stop and I told my wife and other husband to stop, which they both did immediately. We told them we were sorry. They both seemed ok with it, which we appreciated. The reason I told them to stop was because I got this feeling that the other husband only wanted my wife to himself and that’s not what we wanted. My wife told me she actually wanted to play more with the other wife and play more as a group. The first time we went to swing club, that’s what had happen as we all played as a foursome. I guess maybe we should of told them that before going up there. Here is my questions, was I wrong for wanting my wife and the other husband to stop? Should we have stuck to our soft swap boundaries that we set before going in? Should we stop going to swing clubs altogether because of this incident? Any advice we be most appreciated.

[slevin 1,374]

If you ever get yourself into a situation where you are not comfortable, for any reason, it is always ok to stop what is happening. If anyone isn't ok with that then they aren't worth your time anyway. Now, that doesn't mean the other couple will necessarily play with you again, but you should never feel bad about stopping things.

 

Stick to what you're comfortable with, communicate with the other couple about exactly what you're looking for and never continue if you're not comfortable.

 

Live and learn.

[The Fuse 1,012]

Yeah, live and learn. You tried something outside your comfort zone. Good for you, seriously. You've got game. And you confirmed what you're really looking for, what really floats your boat -- seeing your wife enjoy herself. Believe me, you will have no problem finding couples who will be happy to pay all the attention to your wife while you watch. A lot of couples are looking for you .

 

I don't think you were wrong at all, though in the future I would definitely make it clear to other couples what you are and aren't looking for. Candor is appreciated.

[JustNTerested 15]

Obviously I'm new to this too but from what I've read and learned, I would say the same thing. If you are not getting what you wanted and what you both agreed to and not feeling comfortable with the way it's playing out, then you shouldn't feel bad about stopping it. My wife and I have talked about this in depth and while it's not happened just yet, we are both on the same page and reading the same paragraph. Like Slevin said, if THEY are not okay with it, then I wouldn't bother with them any more. Inconsiderate if you ask me.

[two4youinswva 3,068]

The first time we went to swing club, that’s what had happen as we all played as a foursome. I guess maybe we should of told them that before going up there.

Sharing expectations and what you are looking for is a great way to avoid these situations. It sounds like the other couple wasn't aware of your desires, so they went with what developed.

 

Should we have stuck to our soft swap boundaries that we set before going in?

There are people that believe in both sides of this issue. If that will work better for you, then you can stay with that rule.

 

Should we stop going to swing clubs altogether because of this incident? Any advice we be most appreciated.

If everyone stopped swinging or going to clubs because of one bump in the road, then no one would be swinging. Learn from the experience, and remember, always have fun.

[VegasLee 1,486]

I always advise people to not go beyond what you agreed upon before you get to the club.

 

As you have found out doing so will turn a positive experience into a negative experience. Why do it? There will always be other chances to explore further once the two of you have talked about it and agreed to move forward.

 

No good comes from rushing ahead.

[LikeMinds321 1,527]

Something I think you could have done is suggest to this couple, during play, what you wanted to do to change the play. They may have readily agreed and you could have had a wonderful time.

 

I think people too often assume that if someone is doing something you aren't enjoying, or aren't comfortable with that if you redirect activity, or tell them, they'll object or be upset when it doesn't have to be that way at all.

 

I'm a true believer in giving guidance and listening carefully for it from my playmates. It's give and take all the way. That's how everyone learns what to do and how to make the most out of play.

 

Since this couple didn't get upset with you, I'm guessing they would have been good listeners and open to changing course in mid action.

 

Next time you're at the club (yes, do continue to go) keep in mind that people are often very flexible. You yourself were being flexible, and I think that's a good thing.

 

LM

[exploringRM 305]

As the OP wrote, it should have been discussed what your interests were in swapping as well as your newness. I realize a club on a first meet is not always the best place to have a conversation. Not that your desire in how you want to interact with other couples is rare, but you need to find a couple that is interested in interacting with you on the level you want. We've played with other couples in a more 4-some group interaction as well as more 1-on-1 swap..it really depends on the other couple and the situation. The 1-on-1, for us, is by far the most frequent way we play. But I would want to know ahead of time, if the other couple needs more of a group thing. Typically our more group interaction has developed over time, I'm not sure i would be into that on a first meet.

[LagniappeDC 313]

To your main question, you did the absolute right thing and it's great to hear that everyone was fine with it. That is the sign that you and your wife have good communication, and it also sounds as if you came across a great couple.

[nola40scpl 45]

while your communication with your wife is very commendable and what others strive for, it seems your communication with your play partners falls well short of what is expected sometimes.

 

you say you feel the other husband wanted your wife all to himself, yet perhaps it was something HE picked up on that she was totally into what was happening at the time but no other desire was expressed?

 

as other posters mentioned, there is nothing wrong with a little 'guidance' during play sessions. while stopping when you felt you were uncomfortable is what is best for you, perhaps the right thing would have been to express your desires and give the other couple a chance to decide if that was acceptable to them. you say they were cool with you stopping, but perhaps they would have been more than obliging had you expressed your desires. i know it's not always 'convenient' to lay it all out on the line before hand on a first meet but when things get active sometimes others do look for that guidance, especially if you've told them you have little experience.

 

as so aptly put, there is a lot of give and take. i'm not saying give beyond your comfort level, but give others the chance to decide if they're comfortable with your level of play or desires. i think in this case we would have felt like you took your toys and went home because we wouldn't play by your rules and then wondered why we didn't get the memo outlining the aforementioned rules.

[DigginIt 1,132]

Here is my questions, was I wrong for wanting my wife and the other husband to stop? Should we have stuck to our soft swap boundaries that we set before going in? Should we stop going to swing clubs altogether because of this incident? Any advice we be most appreciated.

 

1) Anytime, anyone is uncomfortable then it's okay to stop the play. Justified or not, you can't help your feelings.

 

2) You should ALWAYS stick to your boundaries and especially communicate them to everyone involved.

 

3) Should you stop going to swing clubs because of this incident...

 

What does your wife think? What have you two discussed since the incident? Those things will answer that last question.

 

It takes a lot to stop play. I have seen two couples quit the lifestyle because one or the other couldn't tell the other they were uncomfortable. Its tragic.

 

If you wanted my advice, you probably don't but going to give it anyways, lol. I would say that you suffered a panic attack brought on by some simple jealousy. Absolutely nothing wrong with that. It is your wife and you can't help but feel the way you feel.

 

It wasn't jealousy in the normal sense but jealousy of what "might" have been happening. While you were with the other wife, you were not able to "supervise" (just a way to describe it) the action and you became upset over what might have been going on, what your wife might have been allowing to happen or what you thought the other man might have been doing or wanting.

 

When your in the mix (threesome or group), it's you, your wife and another man then you have a measure of control over the situation and in what you described above, you didn't.

 

I could be way off base but I think what you experienced is normal and time and communication will continue to improve your experiences. Keep working on them and best of luck.

[Oilsnake 15]

1) Anytime, anyone is uncomfortable then it's okay to stop the play. Justified or not, you can't help your feelings.

 

2) You should ALWAYS stick to your boundaries and especially communicate them to everyone involved.

 

3) Should you stop going to swing clubs because of this incident...

 

What does your wife think? What have you two discussed since the incident? Those things will answer that last question.

 

It takes a lot to stop play. I have seen two couples quit the lifestyle because one or the other couldn't tell the other they were uncomfortable. Its tragic.

 

If you wanted my advice, you probably don't but going to give it anyways, lol. I would say that you suffered a panic attack brought on by some simple jealousy. Absolutely nothing wrong with that. It is your wife and you can't help but feel the way you feel.

 

It wasn't jealousy in the normal sense but jealousy of what "might" have been happening. While you were with the other wife, you were not able to "supervise" (just a way to describe it) the action and you became upset over what might have been going on, what your wife might have been allowing to happen or what you thought the other man might have been doing or wanting.

 

When your in the mix (threesome or group), it's you, your wife and another man then you have a measure of control over the situation and in what you described above, you didn't.

 

I could be way off base but I think what you experienced is normal and time and communication will continue to improve your experiences. Keep working on them and best of luck.

 

DigginIt, actually you hit on everything spot on as too how I was feeling. My wife and I did talk more last night and right now she wants to stop as she feels it's not morally right for us to be engaging in this activity. I know we have talked about moral issues before and we both have had mixed feelings. Maybe that was a sign that we shouldn't be even considering this type of life style. I think this incident really got her thinking of whats right and wrong in her mind. I am not going to push it with her because she has been so understanding and supportive through all of this. If sometime down the road she wants start back up again, then we will talk about moral issues and go from there. The one thing I do not want to happen is my wife and I to get a divorce over this, which isn't even an issue at this point as we both love each other very much. For us we just wanted to give this a try to add some added spice to our already amazing marriage. I think many others wanting to get into the lifestyle can relate to this. With that said it's best we put a stop to it for the time being. Thanks to all for your advice, most appreciated.

[bbarnsworth 2,636]

If sometime down the road she wants start back up again, then we will talk about moral issues and go from there. ... With that said it's best we put a stop to it for the time being. Thanks to all for your advice, most appreciated.

 

That's a fine decision Oilsnake. Nothing at all wrong with that in any respect. I would advise just one thing; be sure she understands, without pressuring her, that if at any time in the future she wants to discuss swinging (not to do it, just discuss it) that it's perfectly fine with you. It shouldn't be a closed topic just because you turned your back on it.

 

I wish you all the best!

[DigginIt 1,132]

Mrs. Diggs and I had the morality discussion right after our first weekend in the lifestyle. It was a mix of "wow, this is great" slightly overshadowed by a twinge of guilt caused by our religious upbringing. It was amazing that we didn't even care or think twice about it until after we had our first couple experiences.

 

I'll share with you what my wife and I came up with and why we chose to continue to pursue this lifestyle. Before we were married, we both had consensual sex with others. In fact, we never saw anything wrong with it. It wasn't until we were married and had our children did the weight of our promiscuous life even start to bare down on us.

 

We think that parenthood changes your mindset. Maybe it's true, maybe not but we now thought in perspective of our kids. How would they react if they found out, how would it look when we are telling them not to have sex with others and we were out romping around, lol.

 

When we put the issue of what others would possibly think aside we found out that was really what was bothering us. It wasn't even a moral issue for us as much as a societal persecution issue. We haven't looked back since.

 

The decision to continue in this way of life is a very personal decision that we all have to make and while advice is great, ultimately, only you two can make the correct choice for you both.

 

Best of luck. I still think that what you two experienced was normal and a little communication and experience would overcome.

 

Either way, I hope everything works out for you two.

[Oilsnake 15]

Well my wife has told me she would still like to try again, but we have to stay within our boundaries. I know she has the fantasy of having an MFM at some point. For me I like the idea as long as I was able to direct the action which is wanted I to do last weekend at the club, but didn't happen that way. As I pointed out already, when first began the idea of this lifestyle I wanted to see her get excited. I think she realized after reading the post in this thread not to let one uncomfortable incident prevent us from having adult fun on occasion. At any rate thanks again for the advice.

[DigginIt 1,132]

It might take a bit longer but you can and will find what you are looking for if you are persistent. Good luck to you both and I hope I see a good exerience post from you two soon.

[lizandtom 512]

The reason we got into this in the first place was for me to see my wife enjoy herself. I told the other wife that we needed to stop and I told my wife and other husband to stop, which they both did immediately.

 

For me I like the idea as long as I was able to direct the action which is wanted I to do last weekend at the club, but didn't happen that way.

 

Oilsnake, quite blatantly you should do nothing other than MFM. IMHO don't even drag any other couple into what obviously is YOUR fantasy of how swinging should go, namely your wife gets the attention according to how you 'direct it.'

 

The inherent problem with this is, is that it turns out to be about what works best for your wife, but how the session is going depends on the other guy's interaction with her, as well as WHERE YOU SHOULD ASSIST HER, NOT DIRECT THE THREESOME ACCORDING TO WHATEVER SCENARIO IS PLAYING OUT IN YOUR HEAD! If it starts going differently than the script going on in your head, you will likely stop it yet again instead of going with the flow. If you want your wife to enjoy herself, you need to let go of the reigns quite a bit and stop controlling whats going on.

 

We have encountered two couples where the guy 'called cut' when the 'movie' wasn't going along to his pre written script and couldn't go with the flow. In the first, the wife was totally into me (M), my wife was going along nicely with him, but right in the middle a switch clicked on where out of the blue he decided we should 'all switch back' to our own partners when he obviously got a wave of jealousy. The second case is where the girl was totally into me, my wife was going along nicely, but the other guy was so focused on watching his wife with me with all his attention, that it made my wife feel neglected to the point of my wife calling a halt to it all saying, what's the point if all he wants to do is watch her? This is the BS that you could be laying on another couple outside of the MFM realm.

[DigginIt 1,132]

Oilsnake, quite blatantly you should do nothing other than MFM.

 

lizandtom - Very good point.

 

Oilsnake - while their post may come off a little harsh; their point is quite clear and you really need to remember that when there is another couple involved you have to think about how what you do affects them. You can see the frustration you create when you involve another couple and halt the action.

 

Everyone has said that there is nothing wrong with stopping the action when you feel uncomfortable for any reason. The other side of the coin is being responsible enough that once you realize you are not comfortable to not attempt another encounter like this again until you believe you are ready.

 

When you feel you are ready then make it VERY clear with any future couple where you two are at in your swinging.

 

When you have a MFM encounter and you can sit back without any intervention, enjoy the fact that your wife can freely enjoy a sexual encounter with another person and you feel happy for her then you will probably be ready.

[Nrsrchd 15]

Discomfort turns into resentment, resentment turns into regret, regret turns into anger. There is nothing more destructive to a relationship than anger.

 

Take things at your own pace. If it works out, great, if things don't work out just as great. This only means that you have been smart enough to realize you're not ready yet, and you have avoided potential conflict.

[Swing*8701 887]

It simply strikes me you that your wife would like some fun sex and you want her to perform and do your bidding. How unfortunate considering how much fun you can really have. Oh well.

[WeDive 57]

Well my wife has told me she would still like to try again, but we have to stay within our boundaries. I know she has the fantasy of having an MFM at some point. For me I like the idea as long as I was able to direct the action which is wanted I to do last weekend at the club, but didn't happen that way. As I pointed out already, when first began the idea of this lifestyle I wanted to see her get excited. I think she realized after reading the post in this thread not to let one uncomfortable incident prevent us from having adult fun on occasion. At any rate thanks again for the advice.

 

It's interesting to note that upon reflection of the last club visit your wife felt it was "morally wrong". Now it comes to light that she doesn't feel that way if it's MFM....... hmmm.

 

A few observations:

 

In our opinion you set yourself up for trouble if you bend/break pre-agreed upon boundaries during the heat of the moment.

 

It seems that your wife decided it was "morally wrong" in some sort of unconscious attempt to agree with you stopping the action and that she doesn't truly feel its morally wrong to the point of never considering it again.

 

Find the play level that works for both of you and then seek out others that are interested in that same level/type of play. There is someone out there for everyone. It doesn't always happen, but in many cases your comfort level will increase and you'll be able to experience other types of play as time goes on.

 

Patience is a virtue that serves you well while swinging.

 

Good luck and happy swinging!