Feeling like 4th wheel... am I being petty?

[happycouple5047 83]

So we have played with this couple, and they are very nice... way ahead of us in their lifestyle journey.

 

I feel as though I'm the 4th wheel in our party. It just seems that every conversation turns to how beautiful my wife is... she is and I'm glad someone notices... But not once have I ever heard how I'm part of the unit. She likes my wife, he likes my wife, no mention of what part I play. Am I being petty? I try to include all parties in conversations, texts and such.

 

Now granted at the beginning, I wanted to make this all about her, to make her feel desired and such and I'm not jealous of her and the m.. but when all the conversation turns to what they want to do with her and how gorgeous and such...I have an ego that needs stroked occasionally, too!!.. I get a complex!!LOL. I try to flirt with the f and show her that I desire her.. I don't get much back.

 

Is the male role in swinging to just enjoy what he can as long as the woman gets most of the attention? I mean when we were together, she played with me, too.

 

Am I being a big baby? I just may be expecting too much from people.

[exploringRM 305]

While I don't think I've experienced exactly what you did I did comment on this aspect in a more general sense.

 

https://www.swingersboard.com/forums/topic/37307-guys-ignore-each-other-women-chat-with-everyone/

 

It seems to me that the women get more attention than the guys...the other guys want then and many of the women want them. And I'm ok with that as long as it's not a total ignore.

[LikeMinds321 1,527]

happycouple5047 said:

 

Is the male role in swinging to just enjoy what he can as long as the woman gets most of the attention?

Not in my swinger handbook it isn't.

 

I want my man to feel he is wanted as much as I am. He wants that too.

 

From reading your posts, I believe this couple is your first and only swinging experience thus far. You will find that there are other couples out there who will make you feel wanted. With more experience you'll see how varied playmates can be. You'll also develop a skill at knowing (before you decide to play) which couples are interested in both of you, equally.

 

Best wishes with the next couple!

[slevin 1,374]

Not in my swinger handbook it isn't.

 

I want my man to feel he is wanted as much as I am. He wants that too.

 

Completely agree with this. We both want to feel involved, feel wanted, have fun etc. We make sure that both members of the other couple know they're wanted, desired, feel involved etc. We want the same in return. The times that hasn't happened, eventually it came out that they weren't into one of us (generally me, the guy). We're not interested in that, so we avoid it when we get that feeling.

 

As LM said, have fun with the next couple.

[mr&mrsbees 15]

Great that this question came up because I (m) would feel the same too. Usually my wife will have more attention which I am OK with it since I don't talk much, but sometimes the other man will take for granted "abusing" the situation. As much as we try not to be rude, in this lifestyle, I think it is easier to just ignore and leave the couple in instead of continuing talking to them, no.

 

Anyway, we have limited experiences in this lifestyle too so a greater thread response would be great.

[Alura 2,774]

I don't think you're being petty. People have different social skills with some having very few.

 

I think it's important for all of us to make everyone we play with feel like she/he's an important part of the mixture.

 

Have you talked to your wife about these feelings? She needs to know about your misgivings.

[two4youinswva 3,068]

Something similar happened to us one time. At a party, three or four couples (that we knew, but hadn't played with) invited us back to one of the rooms for a multiple couple session. We liked them all, so we accepted.

 

It was obvious after a little while that the reason for the invite was because they wanted Mrs two4you. I gave her the signal, and we quickly wrapped it up and left.

 

We weren't pissed because of what they wanted, but rather, that they were deceptive about it. Had they been straight up from the beginning, we may or may not have accepted (I occasionally enjoy the voyeur role), but would have respected them for their honesty.

 

Directly to your situation: If you aren't happy, then the two of you should move on. This couple may be nice, but the four of you aren't on the same page. Doesn't make them, or you, wrong. Just not as compatible as you'd like. Get out there and find a couple where the female is into you as much as you are her. Everyone will have a better experience in the end.

 

Good luck, and don't let it get you down. After all, we do this to have fun!

[DigginIt 1,132]

I think it can be done innocently but if your gut reaction is that they are simply interested in your wife only then go with your gut. What did your wife think?

 

I must say that we have a couple we play with frequently and they go overboard to make us both feel special and we reciprocate because it's truly how we really feel and it's just nice when you hear it.

[JustAskJulie 2,595]

Unfortunately, I think this is a side effect of two things...

 

1. The over-abundance of female bisexuality in the lifestyle.

2. The low odds on finding a four-way match.

 

We've seen it many times where couples approach us and after a few minutes it's clear they just want another female - no thanks. If I don't feel my hubby is getting proper attention then I'm going to give it to him and we won't be playing with that couple. We have to both feel we are getting something out of this. And as for me with other guys, if I'm into you, you'll know it.

[Newpants 21]

No I don't think you are being petty or big baby and nor do I think that the role of males is to sit quietly and be ignored in the corner while everyone fawns all over the women.

 

What you have experienced however is quite common and in my humble opinion is the male version of taking one for the team. On the surface it may seem somewhat noble to "make this all about her" and make her feel good but being feeling left out and ignored is hurtfull and isn't fun and if swinging isn't fun then what is the point? Eventually it will lead to resentment,bad feelings and bitterness.

 

It is a reality that women will always have more attention and opportunities in the sexual arena but doesn't mean that you should accept being treated rudely and blown off.

 

It is a reality that woman are more popular and more sought after and more accepted than men but there is a lot that you can do to get out of the shadows. For starters accept the fact that unless you are a rock star, celebrity, male model or multi-gazillionaire, women are not going to generally pursue you in the lifestyle. You have to become somewhat assertive and play a good game.

 

If you look as sharp and as fit as you possibly can, learn to be assertive, flirty and charming and be assertive without being rude, overbearing or pressuring; you will have a lot more success than if you sit quietly waiting for things to come you way.

[hubnher 15]

Thanks for the responses... It just so happens that through some conversation with the couple and with my wife, I may have indicated, and maybe pushed my wife to the forefront more than I realized. In subsequent communications with the couple, it turns out that they were just unaware that they were doing this, and put the emphasis on my wife at my urging, believing I was ok with all the press she was receiving. Although the husband is quite taken, apparently, with my wife I don't think there was an agenda there. Looking back, they always mentioned the two of us whenever we conversed about getting together. I will admit to creating my own bit of trouble in my head. I hope it's because I'm new..LOL This stuff is complicated for the uninitiated!!

 

My fantasies always featured my wife being enjoyed and pleasured by others, in fact if I was with another woman it was just a bonus, not a necessity. As it turns out, the wife of the other couple is seeking more from me this time and likes that I seek more from her...(this time is soon BTW)......LOL. My ego feels a bit better now, but in the future, I will be more aware of my feelings and act accordingly. I've learned my lesson on communication......

[SexyRedmondCpl 128]

I was just going to post about this exact thing. You just described our last party experience to a T. Worst part of that night was that we were at the party for my birthday. Sucks being a guys sometimes, huh?

[it'sso 198]

Other women in the lifestyle lacking attraction for me led us to withdraw from playing. My lady was the center of things which was OK by me, just as long as I was present. But when couples started contacting her and inviting her without me, I felt it was more than I wished to put into the program.

No offense toward those like to share there wives while they stay at home hoping to receive a play by play description of events, but I guess I have too high a self-esteem to do it.

[exploringRM 305]

Perhaps it's because we state in our profile are a couple for other couples, but we've never been in a situation where only one of us was invited back to play with another couple. If that were the case we'd move on from that couple.

[slevin 1,374]

Quote

Other women in the lifestyle lacking attraction for me led us to withdraw from playing. My lady was the center of things which was OK by me, just as long as I was present. But when couples started contacting her and inviting her without me, I felt it was more than I wished to put into the program.

 

No offense toward those like to share there wives while they stay at home hoping to receive a play by play description of events, but I guess I have too high a self-esteem to do it.

 

Interesting; this has happened to us once before. We played with a couple a few times and always had a great time. We thought they were both having a great time as well and we all got along really well. The other woman flirted with me a lot, showed me a lot of attention during playtimes. We even met up a few times socially and had fun together.

 

Then suddenly they didn't want to play anymore. Said something about an issue between them, nothing to do with us. No big deal for us, we were happy to pause or stop if they needed to sort things out between them. We kept hanging out socially as they were great people and we got along well with them. It was all great until the other woman approached my wife and wanted to me her to play 1:1 behind my back and behind her husbands back. That was the end of it for us; we pulled back from them altogether.

 

Fortunately it's only happened once though; if it was a common thing we'd likely stop playing as well.