How to get spouse's attention back???

[anc 15]

So you're in the middle of a full swap and things have gotten hot and heavy, your spouse hasn't looked at you for a long time, you think she's forgotten you're in the room... you're starting to get bothered by seeing your spouse enjoy it waaaay too much. You don't want to spoil the fun, just need your spouse to realize your still there without creating a scene, don't want the other couple to see your jealousy.

 

Note: Don't want to stop the fun...just need your own spouse to desire you or show you some attention.

 

How do you do it?

[PB&J 1,086]

anc said:

So you're in the middle of a full swap and things have gotten hot and heavy, your spouse hasn't looked at you for a long time, you think she's forgotten you're in the room... you're starting to get bothered by seeing your spouse enjoy it waaaay too much. You don't want to spoil the fun, just need your spouse to realize your still there without creating a scene, don't want the other couple to see your jealousy.

 

Note: Don't want to stop the fun...just need your own spouse to desire you or show you some attention.

 

How do you do it?

 

I think the real question is, why do you have to do it? Once again, this goes back to the reasons you needed to take at least a temporary break from swinging. It is IMPOSSIBLE to enjoy sex too much. Losing yourself in the moment is one of the absolute bonuses of this lifestyle. Let her enjoy herself. knowing that in the end, she's going home with you. That has worked for us for almost 3 years now.

[ClosetSwinger 112]

OMG JUST LET HER ENJOY HERSELF......LET GO!!

 

It seems you cannot let go and you continue INSIST that she always be looking at YOU, paying attention TO YOU, touching YOU because YOU START feeling insecure or jealous because GOD FORBID she is having fun without you being directly innolved.

 

Swinging is not just about YOU....it's about BOTH OF YOU. It seems to me that as soon as she looks like she is having fun, getting into it and letting herself enjoy it...YOU MUST INTERJECT as if to say "no, no, no.....we'll have none of that....LOOK AT ME...PAY ATTENTION TO ME!!

 

My husband and I don't stare at each during a swap session. If he does not look at me the whole time or I at him NO ONE CARES! I enjoy watching him and so at times I do...other times I am so into what I am doing I don't look at him or make eye contact.

 

All of the feelings you have are NORMAL.....BUT since you don't seem to be getting past YOUR jealousy problems....YOU SHOULD STOP SWINGING. I am not trying to be mean but if you are constantly expecting your wife to stop enjoying herself SO YOU FEEL BETTER then THIS IS NOT FOR YOU! That's okay, it's not for most people.

 

If you continue to insist on swinging then you BOTH need to pay attention to each other during the entire session. You both need to be aware of each other's actions the entire time. This will just put a damper on things for everyone. She will constantly be like ooooh I'm too into this, better stop and look and play with hubby for a while before he gets upset....while the poor guy she is playing with is going WHAT? I do doubt though that your wife would be interjecting with YOU and what YOU are doing.

 

I give.

[VegasLee 1,486]

Each time you pretty much get told the same thing.

 

YOU are not ready for this Lifestyle. You keep moving on and causing yourself and I am going to assume her more grief. WHY?

 

This is not for everyone and each one of your posts seems to prove that point more and more.

 

Time to wake up and use some common sense here. You two are headed for a

 

I don't understand your need to keep posting and asking for advice if you don't have any intention of listening to it.

 

Seems some special need for attention or something.

[bbarnsworth 2,637]

VegasLee is absolutely correct.

 

I'm reminded of a thread from last year that went on for something like 27 pages. The couple in question was told they were being stupid, over and over again. Nobody thought what they were doing was smart, and everyone thought it was going to end in disaster. Those of you who might remember; it was the couple that the wife was going to play solo with a guy half her age to 'educate' him about sex.

 

That ended in absolute disaster, and their young child got caught squarely in the crosshairs.

 

Stupid, stupid, stupid.

 

Look...

 

anc said:

you're starting to get bothered by seeing your spouse enjoy it waaaay too much. You don't want to spoil the fun,

 

Yes, you DO want to spoil the fun. Good grief, when my wife is enjoying it WAAAAAAAY too much I'm tickled pink! Woohoo!!! FANTASTIC! For you, your wife enjoying it is a threat.

 

You are too insecure for this lifestyle. You have serious control and jealousy issues and don't seem to have an ability to recognize them, or to read and understand the fantastic advice that's been given to you already.

 

There's no way in hell I'd play with your wife, even if she was the most fantastic woman the world has ever seen. I'd forever being terrified of helping her enjoy it "too much" and what your insane reaction to it might be. You're a 50mt hydrogen dramabomb waiting to go off.

 

If you put on your profile "Husband has issues with his wife enjoying swinging too much", nobody would ever want to meet with you. What the hell are you in the lifestyle for? It's who you are? Like hell it is. Your desires, intentions, and wants have as much to do with swinging as snow has to do with Somalia. You're trying to fit a square peg the size of Mars into a hole designed for a mouse to pass through.

 

SWINGING IS NOT FOR YOU. Get over it.

 

Sorry to be so ridiculously blunt; it is not my style to be so. This is just too much to be believed.

[realcplub2 513]

Ok folks settle down, People come here to get answers and advice

 

Now to the OP

 

Do you ENJOY seeing her have a good time? And I don’t mean in just a sexual way, I mean OVER ALL..

 

One of the biggest hurdles for anyone that starts in the lifestyle is the jealousy that crops up when a loved one makes noises, moans or screams in anyway they don’t with you. But then, ask yourself a question.. Does it disturb you that she is enjoying the sensations or that its not you doing it? Does she do something she wont do with you?

 

How about looking at it in a different way, She is allowing herself to let go because, You are there and ready to PROTECT her should things get out of hand, And TRUST her enough to enjoy herself, without causing harm to your relationship. Plus, add into that the fact that swinging allows us to sample so many things that are taboo being the center of attention from two people, being pleasured by two people at the same time.. Sampling the same sex.. if not that, the newness of a stranger in bed.. the departure from the normal.. He isn't you.. he does things completely differently..

 

All this adds to the experience and allowing her to go with it.. might just mean she loves you all the more for bringing these experiences into her life..

 

Its up to you, to deal with any feeling YOU are having.. and talk to her.. in a non judgemental way, about how you felt.. Its not her fault for your feelings..

 

BUT the unspoken part of this is, Why were you worried about what she was doing if this was a full swap situation.. werent your hands full? if not WHY NOT?

[ClosetSwinger 112]

realcplub2 said:

Ok folks settle down, People come here to get answers and advice

 

Now to the OP

 

Sorry to have been so brash. I'm not sure if you saw his last post and the PAGES that followed about this exact topic. That is the only reason I got a little frustrated with him.

[N8ture Girl 318]

bbarnsworth said:

VegasLee is absolutely correct.

 

I'm reminded of a thread from last year that went on for something like 27 pages. The couple in question was told they were being stupid, over and over again. Nobody thought what they were doing was smart, and everyone thought it was going to end in disaster. Those of you who might remember; it was the couple that the wife was going to play solo with a guy half her age to 'educate' him about sex.

 

That ended in absolute disaster, and their young child got caught squarely in the crosshairs.

 

Stupid, stupid, stupid.

 

Look...

 

Yes, you DO want to spoil the fun. Good grief, when my wife is enjoying it WAAAAAAAY too much I'm tickled pink! Woohoo!!! FANTASTIC! For you, your wife enjoying it is a threat.

 

You are too insecure for this lifestyle. You have serious control and jealousy issues and don't seem to have an ability to recognize them, or to read and understand the fantastic advice that's been given to you already.

 

There's no way in hell I'd play with your wife, even if she was the most fantastic woman the world has ever seen. I'd forever being terrified of helping her enjoy it "too much" and what your insane reaction to it might be. You're a 50mt hydrogen dramabomb waiting to go off.

 

If you put on your profile "Husband has issues with his wife enjoying swinging too much", nobody would ever want to meet with you. What the hell are you in the lifestyle for? It's who you are? Like hell it is. Your desires, intentions, and wants have as much to do with swinging as snow has to do with Somalia. You're trying to fit a square peg the size of Mars into a hole designed for a mouse to pass through.

 

SWINGING IS NOT FOR YOU. Get over it.

 

Sorry to be so ridiculously blunt; it is not my style to be so. This is just too much to be believed.

 

To the OP, if this doesn't get you thinking nothing else will! I just feel bad for your wife having to deal with this all the while trying to make you happy.

 

Maybe your the type of person who enjoys negative drama in their life. Remember, swingers dont like drama!

 

We like to ENJOY sex with others! I enjoy seeing my man with a lady and he enjoys seeing me pleasured by another man. We have no tit for tat bull shit, sometimes one of us gets more out of play than the other, so what! We dont keep a score card. I like to make eye contact if possible to share a little wink, but if not, then no big deal.

 

I just dont understand why you keep creating drama unless that's what gets you off.

[lustylearning 705]

BUT the unspoken part of this is, Why were you worried about what she was doing if this was a full swap situation.. werent your hands full? if not WHY NOT?

 

Well said. You're clearly not thinking about your partner if you're focused on re-establishing primary status with your wife.

[TNT 1,155]

If either of us were so concerned about the other having too much fun, we wouldn't be swinging. I want Ted to lose himself when he's playing and I know he wants me to do the same. We each feed off the others enjoyment, so how could we not want the other to be totally immersed in the moment?

 

Teresa

[fun4Ds 1,098]

I don't know the answers for you, anc. Maybe it would take a professional sex therapist for you at this point. It seems your pretty persistent trying and all, like ya really want this, but dang.

 

I guess I have a different outlook even though I have my faults. If it's some sort of separation anxiety, or what ever it is that your real troubles are, finding the right person to talk about this with, is pretty important. I think you both posses "some tools" in your relationship, but not the right tools and how to use them. I don't think you are going to find that in a group, or club, or the playmates you chose. It would in fact, take some special people to play with, and then talk about the issues you have. Some special people indeed, to say the least. Not that its impossible, but certainly not the playmates you have chosen so far.

 

I find it a bit strange that I hear no feed back from the people you are with, but again that might just be me. I believe we need good communication between ourselves. But sometimes there have been times I'll admit, that some feedback, is good with the playmates we choose. Not always....but sometimes.

 

I think, the communication you have is also bleeding over into the communication with your playmates, or at least I wonder.... In that, I think you need to at least think about things in a new way.....

 

I mean really, your so bent on your wife's issues, your missing your own as an individual, or at least how to take care of your self, your own needs. Like I say, that is either going to take a professional or a special person in the lifestyle. Nothing will change for the better until you do.

[Coupleerotic22 1,419]

anc said:

your spouse enjoy it waaaay too much.

 

That's like saying she is getting too much fresh air.

 

As stated repeatedly in previous threads, you guys have too many issues to be in the LS.

 

You two swinging is like pumping gas with a lit match, it's just a matter of time until something blows up.

[anc 15]

We'd appreciate the bashing stop... sometimes funny but it really doesn't help us. For those that posted helpful comments we thank you for your thoughts.

 

Maybe this will help you all better understand US. For the record: This post is a problem we BOTH have. I wrote the OP and where it says "she's" it should have said "he's/she's". Read it again with that and you will see we BOTH wanted some advice on how WE should resolve this issue of OURS.

 

Another thing: WE DO enjoy seeing each other have fun with other people. WE just have concerns when our SO seems to have forgotten the other spouse is there.

 

REALCPLUB2, your comments are very helpful to us. WE have realized WE BOTH have more issues than jealousy. We think it's more of a morals issues that may be causing the jealousy.

 

WE'VE been working on it and have come a long way since WE originally posted the initial thread "Real issue...Need patient and honest help". WE BOTH have the same issues, one a more than the other, that's all. So when you bash US, WE read it and try to take the good points out of it. Even though your only bashing me (husband) WE both are feeling guilty of doing the same things to each other. WE'RE trying to fix that!!!

 

Thanks for the feedback from all of you,

[socolais 696]

I'm cautious about adding noise to this thread. All we can go on is what you type, and your words tend to indicate a couple that many of us would choose to avoid in a swinging environment (assuming we knew the points you expose in your posts). The morality issue was a big hurdle for us too and the way we found to overcome that issue was to read about the history of "presumed monogamy". We discovered it was a simple manipulation by the early catholic church as it gained political power in medieval Europe. When we followed the logic of morality, almost everything comes back to the golden rule. We believe swinging properly is completely consistent with the intent of the golden rule and therefore surely not an immoral behavior. You'll have to follow that path on your own and come to your own conclusions. However, based on your posts, I believe you two may have a few more issues that need to be addressed before you attempt to swing with others.

 

This is supposed to be a fun wholesome activity that results in you two feeling closer together and enjoying the adventures together. That attitude doesn't show up in your comments. Struggle with the concepts all you want, dig for the details until you're fully satisfied and then swing only when both of yall are fully convinced it is a good thing for both of yall. Bringing your drama to others is a very poor way to proceed with this.

[Coupleerotic22 1,419]

We'd appreciate the bashing stop... sometimes funny but it really doesn't help us. For those that posted helpful comments we thank you for your thoughts.

 

You can call it bashing if you wish. The point is you are talking about your SO having TOO MUCH FUN, and forgetting you are there. IF you were secure in your relationship, i.e., no one or nothing can break you apart then you would not have this issue. But you do, which tells me (I won't speak for others) that you are not secure in your relationship.

 

I want my wife to have all the fun she can safely. At the end of the night we go home together and love each other. I greatly enjoy seeing her have fun, regardless if she even knows I am in the room. I am comfortable with that because at the end of the night we go home together and love each other. If either of us was unsure of that we would get out of the LS so fast it would make your head spin.

 

You keep asking for advice and receiving it, but you seem to be ignoring it because it is not what you want to hear. People are being flippant now because you continue to hear the same ting over and over again and trying to ask the question a different way in hopes of getting a different answer.

 

You are trying to smash a square peg into a round hole. Or a better analogy may be you are trying to race in the Indy 500 without learning how to drive.

 

You should step back from swinging and fix your relationship first. Until you do that, swinging is just a recipe for disaster, no matter how bad you both want it. .

[padoc 1,703]

Jeezus, can you be any more controlling? Swinging should be fun. Your mate was having fun and you need her to freakin look at you? I have a news flash for you bubba...at that moment, it was not about you. I'd suggest that you either lighten up and let go or back away from swinging completely.

[bbarnsworth 2,637]

anc said:

We'd appreciate the bashing stop... sometimes funny but it really doesn't help us. For those that posted helpful comments we thank you for your thoughts.

 

MY point in being so blunt in my first post in this thread was that you just aren't getting it. If polite discourse interlaced with good, solid advice is unable to make any dent, then there's two choices; walk away, or use other methods. Since your actions are having a direct, negative effect on other people in the lifestyle, I chose other methods.

 

Based on your responses here, it's apparent that you're quite willing to go headlong into swinging regardless of the damage you're causing to yourselves. If you want to drive off a cliff, that's your business. But, I beg of you, for the sake of all other swingers out there whom you might play with; please PLEASE stop swinging.

 

 

anc said:

Maybe this will help you all better understand US. For the record: This post is a problem we BOTH have. I wrote the OP and where it says "she's" it should have said "he's/she's". Read it again with that and you will see we BOTH wanted some advice on how WE should resolve this issue of OURS.

 

I'll repeat it again; stop swinging.

 

 

anc said:

Another thing: WE DO enjoy seeing each other have fun with other people. WE just have concerns when our SO seems to have forgotten the other spouse is there.

 

Your first post complained of your spouse having too much fun. How can someone have too much fun in a swinging situation??? Let's apply that to other enjoyable things in life:

 

To a chef: "Please don't make our food taste too good. We don't want to enjoy it so much we get involved in the food to the exclusion of each other"

 

To a rollercoaster operator: "Could you please not run the coaster so fast? We'd like to be able to occasionally look longingly in each other's eyes while the ride is going on, and it's very distracting when we're having too much fun"

 

To your spouse, while they're having an orgasm with you: "I know you're really enjoying your orgasm, but could you reduce the intensity of it a little bit? I want you to look intensely into my eyes while it's happening, rather than your eyes rolling back into your head like you do"

 

At the Superbowl: "Could you please not get so excited jumping up and down screaming when your team scores a touchdown? I mean, it's really nice and all, but I'd like you to look longingly into my eyes while it's happening so I know you still love me more than the game."

 

It's just absurd. You keep saying things like you want your spouse to enjoy it, but then say things that strongly contradict that.

 

 

anc said:

REALCPLUB2, your comments are very helpful to us. WE have realized WE BOTH have more issues than jealousy. We think it's more of a morals issues that may be causing the jealousy.

 

Maybe. What is apparent from your posts here are that there are serious control issues. You just can't let go enough to allow your spouse to enjoy swinging. Even if you're not saying anything to move things the way you want them to be, you're in pain because your spouse isn't doing exactly as you want.

 

 

anc said:

So when you bash US, WE read it and try to take the good points out of it. Even though your only bashing me (husband) WE both are feeling guilty of doing the same things to each other. WE'RE trying to fix that!!!

 

Then listen to the excellent advice that's been given here. Stop swinging. Give it up. Maybe revisit it in five or ten years after you have fixed the glaring holes in your relationship.

 

 

Coupleerotic22 said:

You keep asking for advice and receiving it, but you seem to be ignoring it because it is not what you want to hear. People are being flippant now because you continue to hear the same ting over and over again and trying to ask the question a different way in hopes of getting a different answer.

 

Precisely my point and very well said. ANC, you need to read that paragraph very carefully. Read it a thousand times if necessary.

 

In my first post in this thread, I referenced an earlier thread where the two people refused to listen to excellent advice that was being given to them. Nobody is expecting you to 'follow orders' or anything like that. But, when lots of people with credible experience in the lifestyle are all telling you what a mistake you are making, you should stop and take notice. But, you're not.

 

 

 

Anyway, I found the thread. "Emotional & logistical problems of an open marriage". It went on from July 2008 to January 2009 and is 19 pages long. That couple refused to listen to an avalanche of advice all essentially saying the same thing.

 

What happened? At a minimum, they are separated. We know that much. We haven't had an update since January of '09, but it certainly looked like it was headed for divorce. Meanwhile, their child was actively lied to and now gets to grow up in a broken family.

[Learning 160]

Yikes! I want Mr. Learning to totally get lost in the moment where he is focusing on the other wife and pleasing her when he is with her and me well when he is with me. There's nothing wrong about checking out to see if your partner is enjoying the situation but if I had to watch Mr. Learning a lot that would be a horrible swing situation. When I'm in a swing situation my attention is one the person I'm playing with...I may check to see how mr. Learning is doing but I'm focused on the present situation. I would totally be pissed if I was with a person who spent their whole time trying to get the attention of their partner. You reconnect at the appropriate times...

[N8ture Girl 318]

anc said:

We'd appreciate the bashing stop...

Maybe this will help you all better understand US. For the record: This post is a problem we BOTH have. I wrote the OP and where it says "she's" it should have said "he's/she's". Read it again with that and you will see we BOTH wanted some advice on how WE should resolve this issue of OURS.

 

WE'VE been working on it and have come a long way since WE originally posted the initial thread "Real issue...Need patient and honest help". WE BOTH have the same issues, one a more than the other, that's all. So when you bash US, WE read it and try to take the good points out of it. Even though your only bashing me (husband) WE both are feeling guilty of doing the same things to each other. WE'RE trying to fix that!!!

 

Thanks for the feedback from all of you.

 

Well the majority of your posts reflect YOUR thoughts. You're the one writing it. How are we supposed to know what your wife's thoughts are when we have not heard her views on this? We have only heard a your version of what she thinks...

 

So if you BOTH are having these problems, all the more reason to stop swinging! You need to communicate with each other, get your relationship on track, and find out why your doing the things you do. We cant tell you how to do it. That's a journey you both have to go with in yourselves. This may take years. But until you reach that point stop swinging because it will only make things worse.

 

Good luck.

[exploringRM 305]

We've played with couples that enjoy a more 4 some interaction. Not anything bi going on, just being close and at times move back to your own partner. It's not a rule for them but that is what they have come to enjoy after many years for swinging. For us, we have fun with them as well as separate room with other couples. Maybe you need to modulate your play to more of this couple-to-couple interaction? Would that be a better place to start?

 

I do agree with others that I would not want to play with a couple that has the issues you describe. Been on the other side of jealously and whose enjoying more types of comparisons; not fun.

[RDfnd 180]

I am not familiar with the history of the other posts, but if they are on the same subject and the OP has received the similar replies, it's truly a shame. Unless there is some sort of deceit on his part, this is a difficulty the couple is experiencing and are attempting to work through. Looking for advice in Situational Help but finding an abundance of condemnation.

 

Come on everyone, I think it's fair to say that none of us have participated in this alternative sexual lifestyle without some challenges. Swinging is an evolution that we all have chosen to take part in. Maybe it would be best to err on the side of compassion and empathy. If one has nothing constructive to offer, then perhaps it's best left unsaid. Who has dictated that the only way to swing is with either one detaching from their own partner while "enjoying themselves too much"? After all, isn't this supposed to be a team activity in which both partners should be in full agreement and comfortable with all that transpires?

 

This issue is of particular interest to me since my wife and I have been challenged by what may be similar issues. In our discussions before interacting with other couples, we have mutually discussed a desire to "stay connected" some way during the experience. It's just what we have wanted up to this point. However, my lovely wife can tend to get very caught up in the moment. Wonderful to see her enjoy herself so completely, but it can be a challenge for me to stay focused and perform under those circumstances. Consciously or sub- consciously could this also be the reason for some performance issues that seem to effect many men?

 

Just last week we had the opportunity to play with another couple two consecutive nights. They had also expressed a desire to stay connected with their s.o. during sex. The first night a good time was had by all, however in her excitement, my wife had some difficulty staying connected with me and I had some minor performance issues. During the next day we talked about how much fun we had and how we could improve on the experience later that night. Well, when the 4 of us got together in the evening, it was spectacular. Both couples managed to stay enjoyably connected to their partners, yet there was plenty of full swap sex, own partner sex and MFM time for the ladies. When it was over, everyone was in complete agreement about how fantastic it had been.

 

So, my advice anc is if both of you mutually desire to keep swinging, do it. If you both desire to stay connected during a foursome, keep talking about it and working towards that goal. It may most enjoyably happen when you least expect it. Frequently although men are the initiators regarding entering the lifestyle, once there the ladies often adapt most quickly. Staying connected during the experience can certainly help with any normal, minor insecurities that may cause.

 

Hope this helps.

[two4youinswva 3,068]

RDfnd said:

I am not familiar with the history of the other posts, ....

Let me help you out with that one:

Real issue...we want patient and honest help please. - The Swingers Board

[IVcents 115]

This post has gotten so many replies and I tend to agree with about all of them.

 

You must really want to swing to keep trying and asking for advice. Most of what has been said isn't the solution I think you are looking for. Maybe a last shot attempt to overcome your obsessions with seemingly jealousness in seeing the other enjoy it "waaaay too much" or not showing enough attention to you or you to her would be separate bedrooms with the door shut.

 

Since your post was so long, let me tell you something, hopefully not as long, just for you to think about. "Making Love" is not a true word to use for sex. My wife and I were deeply in love. Love is something so strong that you would take a bullet for the other. Yet most of our sex was adults at play, motivated by hornyness, not a ritual about loving each other enough to give our lives for each other, although we would have but that was not the motivation of the moment. In fact when she got close to orgasm and was really wild into it I often thought it wouldn't matter to her who was doing her, she just wanted sexual pleasure. Sometimes I came too soon and often thought that if there was another male to finish her, it would make me happy for her to enjoy him satisfying her. This led me into realizing that I loved her enough to want her to really enjoy sex even if it was not me doing her. In one of our private sex conversations she admitted she had some inhibition guilts to overcome, like giving me oral, and mentioned she thought if she could meet some guy she had never seen before in a dark room alone, she could overcome that inhibition by pushing her boundaries, setting aside her demeaning persona of how she thought I might feel her slutty for sucking a dick. Also she admitted having sex with someone unknown just for pure sex play would be the most exciting, thrilling sex act she could imagine. I couldn't give her that feeling anymore because we already had a first time. Only another man could give her that thrill again. That made me think that to let her have sex with another man was giving her something I could not give her myself anymore.

 

Sadly she was diagnosed with fatal cancer, stage four. I loved her enough to pray it would have been me. I would have died for her to live. She had an active sex life between her first marriage and ours. She loved sex. As a show of my love I made an arrangement with a couple. It was my gift of love to her. To know that I was giving her an exciting thrill that was something so special that I couldn't give her myself, short of the last kiss we shared on her death bed.

 

That is what sharing her with another man meant to me, love. I think that is what swinging is all about, providing a loving gift that is more than we can physically give ourselves.

[ClosetSwinger 112]

IVCENTS, your post was so well put and my heart goes out to you. I am sorry for the loss of your wife, it sounds like you both really had it together and knew what this was all about. I love the way you look at things. Thanks for sharing.

[Alura 2,774]

Absolutely beautiful post, IVcents!

 

I lost my wife to breast cancer last year. The thrill of the new was probably Laura's favorite of the Swinging experience. I'm sure she would have understood your wife's "in the dark with a stranger" fantasy.

[DigginIt 1,132]

What I read in this thread is that you are trying to tackle your jealousy the wrong way. You are using things like eye contact as a tool to keep your jealousy in check. Your not working on the problem itself but trying to find away to get around the problem. It won't work or won't work for very long.

 

When I look back at my years together with my wife, I realize that often the moments in my life when I have been the happiest, was because she was happy.

 

Swinging is the ultimate test of unselfishness in a relationship. If you and your wife can reach a point where you can each, unselfishly, let the other truly have a great time and love each other the more for it then you will understand what the lifestyle can really offer you both.

[exploringRM 305]

What I read in this thread is that you are trying to tackle your jealousy the wrong way. You are using things like eye contact as a tool to keep your jealousy in check. Your not working on the problem itself but trying to find away to get around the problem. It won't work or won't work for very long.

 

When I look back at my years together with my wife, I realize that often the moments in my life when I have been the happiest, was because she was happy.

 

Swinging is the ultimate test of unselfishness in a relationship. If you and your wife can reach a point where you can each, unselfishly, let the other truly have a great time and love each other the more for it then you will understand what the lifestyle can really offer you both.

 

Great response!

[shy_couple 459]

You say we are bashing, but you keep asking the same questions and getting the same advice!

 

So I'll write the same thing I did last time: We read and were told early on,"Swing will intensify and accelerate all aspects of your relationship.'' We have found it to be true, if you are in a secure, trusting, loving relationship then your experiences will grow and expand these qualities. If you are jealous, not trusting, insecure, these will be enhanced/multiplied and will destroy your relationship in the end.

 

Keep posting the same problems/issues/questions, then you are likely to keep getting the same advice.

 

If you are not going to take the advice that you are receiving, then the posters are going to get more frustrated with your threads.

[bbarnsworth 2,637]

Is you shur yer a damn yankee? Cuz it sounds like ya mite be from round these parts. lol (Yes, I am poking fun at Southern's, I can caus I iz one)

 

Well, I do have ancestors from just below the M-D line. But most of my roots are yankees

 

"Pull" is heard frequently in the country, not just with beer cans though, pretty much with anything that can be thrown and has no value.

 

You sure about the 'no value' part?

 

Reminds me of a movie. I can't remember the title. "Dishes are done, dude!"

[Pleasure King 16]

I fully understand the concept of wanting eye contact with your significant other when watching them play. It can add to the sharing aspect immensely. Starting out in the lifestyle I can tell you straight out the thing I had to get past from a jealousy standpoint was the intense eye contact and mating ritual my gf had with other men. The passionate kissing, the deep intense gazes tugged more at the heartstrings than oral sex or intercourse. It made me feel invisible, which was not a good sensation at all. But as time went on I realized that this mating dance is all part of the fun. She needs to be in the moment with her play partner at the time. The most important thing we talk about beforehand is that no matter what happens and with whom while playing we both know who we're going home with at the end of the night. It's good to talk about what we'd like to do before we start and our feelings about what went on right after play as we share quiet time together in the sauna.

[10thBadger 25]

On 7/12/2010 at 10:14 AM, ClosetSwinger said:

OMG JUST LET HER ENJOY HERSELF......LET GO!!

 

It seems you cannot let go and you continue INSIST that she always be looking at YOU, paying attention TO YOU, touching YOU because YOU START feeling insecure or jealous because GOD FORBID she is having fun without you being directly innolved.

 

Swinging is not just about YOU....it's about BOTH OF YOU. It seems to me that as soon as she looks like she is having fun, getting into it and letting herself enjoy it...YOU MUST INTERJECT as if to say "no, no, no.....we'll have none of that....LOOK AT ME...PAY ATTENTION TO ME!!

 

My husband and I don't stare at each during a swap session. If he does not look at me the whole time or I at him NO ONE CARES! I enjoy watching him and so at times I do...other times I am so into what I am doing I don't look at him or make eye contact.

 

All of the feelings you have are NORMAL.....BUT since you don't seem to be getting past YOUR jealousy problems....YOU SHOULD STOP SWINGING. I am not trying to be mean but if you are constantly expecting your wife to stop enjoying herself SO YOU FEEL BETTER then THIS IS NOT FOR YOU! That's okay, it's not for most people.

 

If you continue to insist on swinging then you BOTH need to pay attention to each other during the entire session. You both need to be aware of each other's actions the entire time. This will just put a damper on things for everyone. She will constantly be like ooooh I'm too into this, better stop and look and play with hubby for a while before he gets upset....while the poor guy she is playing with is going WHAT? I do doubt though that your wife would be interjecting with YOU and what YOU are doing.

 

I give.

Just because you feel comfortable enough not to look at your husband doesn’t mean that this person does not have that need. Get over yourself. Not everybody has the comfort level that you do.

[NWAtlSwing 522]

On 7/16/2010 at 2:21 PM, Pleasure King said:

I fully understand the concept of wanting eye contact with your significant other when watching them play. It can add to the sharing aspect immensely. Starting out in the lifestyle I can tell you straight out the thing I had to get past from a jealousy standpoint was the intense eye contact and mating ritual my gf had with other men. The passionate kissing, the deep intense gazes tugged more at the heartstrings than oral sex or intercourse. It made me feel invisible, which was not a good sensation at all. But as time went on I realized that this mating dance is all part of the fun. She needs to be in the moment with her play partner at the time. The most important thing we talk about beforehand is that no matter what happens and with whom while playing we both know who we're going home with at the end of the night. It's good to talk about what we'd like to do before we start and our feelings about what went on right after play as we share quiet time together in the sauna.

One of the hottest things my wife ever said to me was mid gangbang when I looked into her eyes and she said "Thank you" to me for setting it up.

[cplnuswing 4,713]

That's awesome.  It's the moments like that when everything all comes together that can make swinging a special thing.  Doesn't always happen like that, in fact most often doesn't happen like that, but when it does, it's great.