Wife doesn't want to talk to me about our play with friends...

[Newbie_Guy 43]

I’m very excited about the fantastic Saturday my wife and I had with some close friends. I won’t go into detail as this first post could easily become a novel but I do need to give some background information.

 

A few years ago my wife and I went for dinner and drinks with another couple we’re close with. A little bit too much to drink and just the perfect storm of a night lead to my wife having her first bisexual experience with our friend. The guys just watched watched in awe as our beautiful wives had sex.

 

The next day I was floating on cloud nine. Telling my wife it was the coolest thing I’ve ever seen. She really seemed to take a step back. Weeks later she told me it really bothered her and it wouldn’t happen again. I was disappointed but really didn’t push at all. Although I have brought it up from time to time she always shot the idea down instantly.

 

This past weekend we had the same couple over. They came over early in the day and we enjoyed it sitting by the pool. Again we were drinking… We ended up sun tanning nude. Things progressed! This isn’t a first time story post but some of the things that happened are: I fingered both women at the same time, both women performed oral sex on both the men at the same time, both women went “skiing” (lol, masturbated both men at the same time), my friend went down on my wife and the girls had sex including oral and the use of many sex toys. The strange thing is we didn’t move to a bedroom or commit to anything. Things just kept happening all day and evening long. One of the women would give the other guy (not husband) a BJ for five or so minutes and that would end and then nothing would happen for a half hour until the next thing just happened??? The only thing that really went on was when the two girls had sex. They once again put on a hell of a show!

 

So here lies my question. Last time I acted all excited. I actually thought my wife would want to hear how sexy she was, how turned on I was and most of all how much I loved her. That only seemed to make things worse. So this time I never said a word the next day. We went to grandmas to pick our little one up and everything is just fine. I did bring up the weekend Monday night. All I asked was if she had fun last weekend and she said ya, it was a fun weekend.

 

So do I just leave it? I’m already hoping it’s not two years until our next encounter. Having said that, if that’s all she’s comfortable with I’ll take it because wow, wow… wow! Should I just leave things be or do any of you have any advice on how to broach this subject with kid gloves. I want to get together with the other couple again yesterday, but I don't want to pull the emergency break again!

 

Sorry for such a long post!

[SW_PA_Couple 4,024]

Hello, Newbie_Guy, and allow me to extend a warm welcome to you. I doubt that anything you could describe would allow me to go into your wife's mind. But it does strikes me that alcohol was the facilitator for both intimate encounters. Do you think this fact contributed to the regret she expressed on the day following? Would the intimacy work with these friends if no alcohol was involved?

 

If you approach swinging wisely, it will reward you nicely. You have now found The Swingersboard. Has your wife found it too? Might be worthwhile for her to know that the swing lifestyle is entirely "normal".

 

~Michael

[Alura 2,774]

from Oklahoma, Newbie Guy!

 

Congratulations on a great experience. I wish y'all more in the future.

 

I think you have an opportunity to really increase your ease of communication with your wife, and the other couple involved. Communication is what will move y'all forward; lack of it will keep you on pens and needles. To begin with, I'd suggest you ask your wife, "Sweetheart, how do you feel about the experience with Tom and Mary?"

 

Good luck, and keep us posted.

 

BTW, I agree that it would be a good thing if you brought your wife to this Board to do some research. The folks who hang out here are wonderfully willing to help answer these questions.

 

Alura

[ClosetSwinger 112]

Sounds like an exciting day! That is how we started actually with some close friends, too much alcohol one night and wow..it's just snowballed from there.

 

Anyway!

 

Your wife probably is feeling confused, guilty, excited, aroused, confused and then guilty again. That's how I felt in the beginning. For me though it DID help when hubby told me how hot it was and how much he liked watched etc. She may just be feeling awkward about it and that is why she isn't talking.

 

I would sit down with her and just ask how she felt about what happened throughout the day. It's important to communicate with each other and she needs to open up. Don't be pushy, just ease into the conversation. Just tell her you want to know what's going on in her head. Assure her you want to make sure SHE is okay with everything that happened (that possibly is an issue maybe she went farther then she was ready for or saw you doing something she didn't feel comfortable with but is having a hard time telling you?).

 

Good luck and I hope things work out well for you guys!

[lizandtom 512]

I would sit down with her and just ask how she felt about what happened throughout the day. It's important to communicate with each other and she needs to open up. Don't be pushy, just ease into the conversation. Just tell her you want to know what's going on in her head. Assure her you want to make sure SHE is okay with everything that happened (that possibly is an issue maybe she went farther then she was ready for or saw you doing something she didn't feel comfortable with but is having a hard time telling you?).

 

Perfect advice. To add to it, DO NOT show your 'overly excited' side; in the lifestyle, that just comes off as creepy to women (and only cool to your beer drinking single guy friends). Play it cool and as Closet said, gently ask her what's going on in her head, but leave it at that if she doesn't feel like talking. At the minimum she know's you're there for when she does feel like talking which is brownie points for you in and of itself.

[LagniappeDC 313]

Agreed with all the above advice. Worst thing you can do is avoid the subject. Find a quiet time where you can both talk without distraction. Without being pushy or overly anxious, state that you enjoyed the time with your friends and you would like to know how she feels. Explain that you have no judgement, and the event doesn't mean that you expect it to happen again.

 

At some point, you will want to have the discussion with your friends. That can either be one to one or as a foursome. You definitely want to get things out in the open so that everyone is on the same page and you avoid hurting the friendship.

 

Good luck!

[Newbie_Guy 43]

Sorry about starting a new thread. For some reason I’m not able to respond in my own thread. I get a message saying I do not have permission to post in this thread. It’s strange because I am able to add a reply to any other thread. I did want to post an update and respond to the advice I was given so Moderator please feel free to merge this thread into the other one.

 

As far as drinking goes I’m sure it didn’t hurt. I know their first experience definitely fueled by heavy drinking. Everyone was pretty much bombed. This second time it wasn’t nearly as big of a factor. For one thing we started playing early afternoon. We had all had drinks and I’m sure everyone was buzzing a little but I know for sure nobody was drunk until late in the evening. Hours after the playing was in full swing, pardon the pun. The second thing that makes me think alcohol wasn’t a huge factor this time is my wife made a comment that she didn't feel very good on Sunday. I asked if she was hung over and she said no, she wasn't very drunk last night. She said she thinks she got too much sun.

 

Yesterday after the little guy went down we had the chance to talk. I asked her if she felt guilty like last time and she said no, not at all. I asked if she enjoyed herself and she said ya, it was fun. She gave me a quick smile and started talking about something going on at her work.

 

I believe she’s just the type of person that doesn’t like to go over things and over things. She told me she’s fine with it, she said she had fun, she's been acting totally normal, in fact she seems to be in very good spirits so I think I’ll just leave it be. I have no reason to doubt what she's saying. Everyone says listen to your spouse. She's saying it's all good so?

 

Like many people here have said before me, after our friends went home we fucked in our family room like we were 18 years old. We were so into each other.

 

Maybe in a month or so I’ll buy her a quality harness for her sex toys. Just a not so subtle way of saying if the wind were to blow that way again I’m ok with it.

 

Then I'll show her this thread (these boards)!

 

Thanks for the advice.

[JustAskJulie 2,595]

New Guy - you weren't able to respond to your thread (or others) because you haven't completed your registration. Please check your email and follow the instructions in the email you received from us on how to confirm your email address and complete your registration. Once you do this you'll be able to reply to thread. In the meantime, your posts will have to be approved and then the moderators will merge them as necessary.

[SW_PA_Couple 4,024]

Sorry about starting a new thread. For some reason I’m not able to respond in my own thread. .

Hopefully you have already responded to the e-mail message that was sent to you asking you to confirm you e-mail address. Sometimes the confirmation happens within minutes; other times a day or two is needed. After you are confirmed, you will be able to post messages anywhere.

 

~Michael

[Newbie_Guy 43]

All is working fine. Thanks JustAskJulie!

[bbarnsworth 2,643]

I believe she’s just the type of person that doesn’t like to go over things and over things.

 

Honest, forthright, open communication is a hallmark of successful swinging couples. I'll say that upfront, and allow me to expand further...

 

Your first post made me think that you were presenting things to your wife, rather than presenting opportunities for her to talk. The result was not what you hoped for; you thought your wife would like to hear x,y,z, and instead go the reverse of the intended effect. Oops. That wasn't the mistake though. The mistake was presuming you knew what your wife wanted Women and men think very differently. Even though I've been with my wife for many, many years I don't presume I know what she's thinking. Certainly never on something of import.

 

Your wife isn't apparently the type that likes to talk much about such subjects. That can be difficult vis-a-vis swinging. It's great that you all had so much fun, and it appears alcohol wasn't such a factor the second time. Wonderful...but...just acting in the future without lots of talk between you is very likely going to cause problems. Do what you can to communicate, not talk at, but COMMUNICATE with your wife. Listen, with huge ears. Do less talking and encourage her to reveal her innermost thoughts. Make sure she understands that anything is fair game, and nothing is threatening or fearful.

 

You need to cross this communication bridge.

 

 

Then I'll show her this thread (these boards)!

 

THEN you'll show her?

 

Why wait? Get her on board in all respects. Start working on swinging as a team, not as two players trying to work out the right solution independently of each other.

 

Your description of the pool side events sounds like it was very, very sexy by the way. I hope you have many repeat encounters! But, be patient. It's frequently the case that men want to bullrush ahead. Women, including the wife of the other couple, often want to move slower. Patience. Patience.

[Newbie_Guy 43]

Thanks for the responce bbarnsworth.

 

What I don’t want to do is come across as pushing her. I do want to have additional swinging experiences with her but don’t really care if I don’t. Does that make sense? If I keep pushing her to talk this through will I not come across as pushing her in general?

 

In everyday life we communicate very well. We work through decisions for our household as a team.

 

I’ll wait until this weekend. We’ll sit in the hot tub and I’ll try to get a dialog going with her again. I seriously believe she’s all good with what happened. I’m certain of that. But I’m not certain where I stand. By that I mean I did things with the other female half. I used a toy on her, fingered her and sucked on her tits. She blew me and jerked me. I did not perform oral on her and I did not fuck her. I agree we need to clear this up. I’m ok with her having sex with both of our friends. Because we haven’t discussed it I’m not sure my wife is ok with me fucking the other women. I’m sure assumptions have no place in swinging. Just because I’m ok with her doing something doesn’t mean she’d be ok with me. Just because she’s ok with seeing me get a blow job, I can’t assume she’s ok with me performing oral sex on the other women.

 

So I agree, more communication is needed!

 

Oh and I wasn’t being too serious when I said I’d show her this post after. By after I was referring to getting her a harness. I was just sort of trying to be funny.

[bbarnsworth 2,643]

Thanks for the responce bbarnsworth.

 

What I don’t want to do is come across as pushing her. I do want to have additional swinging experiences with her but don’t really care if I don’t. Does that make sense? If I keep pushing her to talk this through will I not come across as pushing her in general?

 

Hard to say. You know your wife better than any of us do. I know in my own experience with my wife, that we talked about it a lot before swinging, doing so in as open a manner as possible. There was no expectation that we would swing, just that we were talking about it. It was a mutual decision to swing, but nobody pushed anybody. We just opened doors and considered "what if?"

 

In everyday life we communicate very well. We work through decisions for our household as a team.

 

Many couples have great communication skills until it comes to sex, fantasy, etc. These are often innermost desires, and many of them tread in areas deemed socially unacceptable. There's other pressure too to not reveal fantasies. It's important to lay a ground work of complete trust, and complete safety in anything she reveals; no negative response, just loving sharing.

 

I’ll wait until this weekend. We’ll sit in the hot tub and I’ll try to get a dialog going with her again. I seriously believe she’s all good with what happened. I’m certain of that. But I’m not certain where I stand.

 

Communication clears this up.

 

"I know you've expressed that you're happy with everything that happened last weekend. I am too. I think it was wonderful, and a lot of fun. Whether we do something like that again or not, I'd like to make sure we're on the same page on this. It's a lot of fun, but I don't ever want to find ourselves in a situation where either of us is doing something the other does not want. I'm not suggesting we are going to do something, but rather that if we're going to do something, I think we should discuss this in great depth"

 

 

I’m sure assumptions have no place in swinging. Just because I’m ok with her doing something doesn’t mean she’d be ok with me. Just because she’s ok with seeing me get a blow job, I can’t assume she’s ok with me performing oral sex on the other women.

 

Yep. A lot of times you'll see people talking of balance in swinging; if what is good for the goose isn't good for the gander, then you shouldn't be doing it. Regardless, any assumptions in this regard is a recipe for disaster. You might be perfectly fine with your wife having sex with the other husband, and your wife might be very jazzed at the idea and fantasizing about it. But, she might not be in a place where she's even considered the thought of you having sex with the other wife. If the scenario arose where you're all at the pool again and she's having sex with him and you and the other wife start going at it...and no discussion has happened between the two of you about this...it could be rather drama explosive.

 

Oh and I wasn’t being too serious when I said I’d show her this post after. By after I was referring to getting her a harness. I was just sort of trying to be funny.

 

Get her the harness I think she'll have fun with it, especially with the other wife. But, before doing that I'd have that discussion, and perhaps many more, to make sure you're both on the same page. Even then, being on the same page doesn't mean you're ready for another encounter. Discuss, discuss, discuss.

 

Every couple has a different dynamic. For my wife and I, we discussed it every day (literally) for about two months. Then we had our first experience. That worked well for us. Your dynamic might be that a little discussion goes a long way. But, not having discussion will cause harm eventually.

[Newbie_Guy 43]

Ummmm bbarnsworth, you really need to join us in the hot tub! Thanks so much for the advice. It's what I was looking for and more.

 

Are cheat notes permitted?

[ViSexual 1,008]

I know, I know..., it's all about communication. But, some people just don't want to talk about it. Maybe she's one.

 

And, if she's that way, she might not appreciate you posting all of this here. So, I don't know if it would be wise to show her this thread.

 

She's said she enjoyed herself and has no guilt, right? Maybe you should just leave it there. I'd be like you in wanting to know more but it might be best to keep quiet about it and just let her know you're happy.

 

And, about you having sex with the other wife? Well, let you wife lead and do only what she's doing with the other husband.

 

One other thing you might think about is talking to the other couple and thinking about letting the other wife talk to your wife to find out what boundaries, if any, your wife would like.

[CandLinPC 92]

I’m sure assumptions have no place in swinging. Just because I’m ok with her doing something doesn’t mean she’d be ok with me. Just because she’s ok with seeing me get a blow job, I can’t assume she’s ok with me performing oral sex on the other women.

 

I would take this thought even further. Is she okay with doing things to other people? At first, this doesn't seem to make much sense. From what I've read, many "help me" posts start out like this.

 

We went to a club, we were having sex doggie style. I was okay with another man having sex with my wife, so I called one over and let him have sex with my wife. Now my wife hates my guts, and never wants to swing again.

 

The problem in this is that She was not okay having sex with another man. Just because you are okay with her having sex with another man does not mean that she is too. It's not just about being okay seeing your partner doing stuff, they have to be okay with doing stuff as well. The man in the story doesn't seem to care about what his wife wants to do, he's only focusing on what he's okay with her doing.

 

From what I've read, it seems that when a woman is going back and forth emotionally, they are trying to come to terms with something they did that "they shouldn't be doing". Most women are brought up with a "sex is dirty and icky" mentality. It's very tough to break through that, and it takes time.

 

Even if you have the conversation 5 minutes at a time because that's all she can handle, that's what you do. The communication has to happen, but it will happen in the slowest person's (her) time.

 

God speed.

[bbarnsworth 2,643]

Ummmm bbarnsworth, you really need to join us in the hot tub! Thanks so much for the advice. It's what I was looking for and more.

 

Hmmm. I'm actually going to be quite close to Canada this Saturday, come to think of it Of course, that's like saying "Oh, you're from Toronto? Do you know so-and-so?"

 

Are cheat notes permitted?

 

Crib notes permitted, licensed under CC-BY-SA with no warranty or guarantee of applicability, accuracy, or acceptability

 

My wife and I have in the past talked with couples over the phone just as a source of information and advice from actual swingers. People getting into the lifestyle frequently have soooooo many questions. That's wonderful, but not every couple does well getting information from sources such as a forum.

 

I caution you again to be patient. I know it's hard. Your last experience was sooo hot and sooo fun you want it to happen again yesterday. But, this car can't move forward unless the wheels on both sides of the car are moving at the same speed. Your wife is moving slower. Move at her pace, don't push, open doors and discuss, and be patient.

 

A poster above noted the serious bad reaction he got from his wife when he invited another man to have sex with her, apparently without prior discussion with and consent from her. Oops. You having sex with the other wife could generate a very similar reaction in her, if it's not discussed and agreed on beforehand. The first time I had sex with a play partner, my wife and I had discussed it many times before, and I even asked her point blank, very directly (in private) a few minutes before things started happening. Just because your wife is doing something doesn't give you permission to do the same thing. Tit-for-tat scenarios, undiscussed, often enough lead to disaster.

[DocWill 83]

We had/have a very similar situation to yours- close friends, drinking, sexy talk, sexy acts, soft swap, and then a quasi poly-quad relationship that’s still going strong... without the alcohol. Mind you, this progressed over a period of a year… and the beginning was very confusing and ultimately what led us to this forum.

 

The best advice we got from this board is the communication piece. I won’t beat a dead horse with that, but understand that complete and total honesty is paramount, yet rarely expressed… so be cautious and sure about the signals you receive from everyone involved- especially those from your wife. The next best piece of advice we got was that the situation/relationship move at the pace of the slowest person- don’t rush things and don’t keep expecting things to happen every time you’re together as a group until you ALL talk about it together and make a conscious decision to move forward- together.

 

For us, having honest conversations… and trusting what was said during those conversations has led us to sexual nirvana with another couple- but then again, we’re really just getting into this so the “final” opinion is still out there. What works for us is that there is a very strong sexual attraction between four people with extremely open minds… and little, if any, emotional possession. Could that happen- the emotion part? Possibly… but so far it hasn’t, and we don’t play alone or have separate conversations (with the other spouse) where that kind of thing most commonly occurs- and that would be my advice to you based on our experiences.

 

In any case, I wish you luck and I hope everyone has a wonderful journey. It truly is enlightening, liberating, and empowering- just be careful, smart, and constantly reflect when it comes to emotions.

[Newbie_Guy 43]

Just a real quick update. We're communicating! Slowly, which is fine by me! We're establishing OUR ground rules. My wife has expressed that she did enjoy herself and she does want to "play" some more.

 

The other couple are also our vanilla friends and my wife has said she doesn't want to end up in bed every time we get together. I totally agree with her. She knows where I'm at boundary wise. I don't have any restrictions on her. If she's having fun she can do whatever she wants with either of them. She's still thinking about where she is at. I want to know exactly what is and isn’t acceptable for me to do with the other women. I want to be clear so there's no confusion. She’s told me she's not ready to see me fuck the other women. I'm totally cool with that. I think I’m free to do everything else. I'm not letting it go at just that. I told her I need to know exactly what is aloud. Me performing oral, masturbation, me getting oral, toys ect ect? Specifically what is and isn’t aloud. Once we know the rules I'll never break them. That way fun can be had by all. I don’t have to wonder if this or that is really ok. We still have things to discuss. My wife has asked for some time to think. When we have it figured out, we'll sit down with the other couple. If it works for them we'll continue on.

[bbarnsworth 2,643]

Thanks for the update! Keep 'em coming

 

Sounds like you're on the right track. I was thinking about you while I was near Canada that weekend, hoping things were going well.

[Newbie_Guy 43]

Do you guys think we need to sit down and officially discuss “rules” with our friends? At first I thought communication with all involved, all four of us sit down. But now I just don’t know. The more my wife and I talk the more I realize this is really about us and it’s not about these friends at all. We’ll do what we’re comfortable doing. I don’t really see why we have to lay it all out for them. I can do this she'll do that. Man, that just seems like work!

 

If the other women asked me to fuck her could I not just politely say no, we’re not there just yet, and then do something else with her?

 

Don’t get me wrong, of course we’ll discuss things. We’ve been doing so since the two women hooked up years ago. We're close friends so we're not shy. I’m just not sure we need to sit down and have the official TALK! I'm not sure they NEED to know EXACTLY what's going on in our heads. Isn’t that for us to know?

[funcoupledayton 2,708]

If we are going to play with someone new we would prefer to know their rules upfront and we ask early on in our conversations. We like to know the other couple has discussed their boundaries. There's no reason to keep your friends in the dark about what your rules are. It makes for awkward situations. Keeping your reasons to yourself is fine. Communication in swinging is really important between you and your spouse, but also between you guys and the other couple or single.

 

Good luck!

[bbarnsworth 2,643]

What funcoupledayton said.

 

It's easy to say 'no' to big things (like having sex). It's not so easy to say no to little things or be aware that the other couple has some 'little things' rule. You might (or they might) unintentionally cross a line.

 

When my wife and I play, we always have a short discussion with the other couple or single male and let them know what our rules are (which isn't much). Even though our rules are virtually non-existent, having the conversation let's them know that.

 

It's a good drama avoidance technique.

[Newbie_Guy 43]

What funcoupledayton said.

When my wife and I play, we always have a short discussion with the other couple or single male and let them know what our rules are (which isn't much).

 

It's a good drama avoidance technique.

 

So a short conversation with the who's and the how's should do! See my only fear (and I may be over analyzing things) is I don't want the discussion to become a negotiation. Or to feel like a negotiation! Or to come across as if our friends should feel privileged that we're willing to play with them.

 

Like I said we're still a ways away. I want to have all our ducks in a line before we go ahead. We're vanilla friends so we do find ourselves in a threesome situation from time to time. (not that kind… lol) For whatever reason one of us can't make it to a social event but the other three can. What are the rules if one of the four isn’t there? Would you discuss all this with them or just the big stuff? What we can and can't do?

[sexcupid 809]

What makes you think this couple may not be having some of the same discussions you are having?

 

If you and your wife are comfortable with things the way they have played out the last few times...things being more playful, happening as they may...then just let it flow that way...because some people are fine just letting things go where they may. You start talking rules and regulations...it might flip your friends out on some level because there are some that like to play around as much as the next...but tell them what they are doing is swinging and watch the sparks fly. lol Kind of like "oh it just happened, so that's cool" not "we've thought and planned this out, what kind of people are we?!"

 

As others have said...get square between you and your wife what your comfort levels are. Then reach out to the other couple..."hey we've had fun the last few times we've gotten together and its really gotten us talking about what we are comfortable with happening...we just want to see if you are on the same page" sort of thing.

 

Be prepared to deal with their boundaries as well. You are okay with the other hubby having sex with your wife...but they may feel that since you are not able to have sex with the other wife, then the hubby can't have sex with your wife. Discuss that possibility with your wife. Heck, the other couple may be completely cool with what has been going on and may not want to have intercourse, but be find with the sexy time and maybe just watching each other have sex with their own spouses. But you won't know that unless you talk to them at some point. Just you know...don't bring a million rules to the table because someone will forget something along the way. Or they may feel like "well that was fun, but breaking things down to section 8 paragraph 3 line 6 states...just sucks all the fun out of what has been happening"

 

Good luck sounds like the communication with your wife is going well!

[Newbie_Guy 43]

Or they may feel like "well that was fun, but breaking things down to section 8 paragraph 3 line 6 states...just sucks all the fun out of what has been happening"

 

Good luck sounds like the communication with your wife is going well!

 

That's exactly what I was thinking!

 

This much I know, our friends are the aggressors. (And you can group me in with them) My wife is the slowest moving member of the four of us, not that there's any problem going at her pace.

 

How do I balance our rules without making them think OMG, is it even worth it. Who wants to be considering 18 rules when you’re suppose to be enjoying yourself?

 

Though not set in stone yet as my wife and I have more talking to do this is where I think things will end up. We don't want to swing every time we get together. If everyone is in the mood fine but it's not to be expected by either couple. The women will be free to do what they want together. It's not fair but women rule in this world. If they're both good with it, go for it. The other man is to follow my wife's lead. He's not to be the aggressor. If she goes from blowing him to fucking him it's fine with me. I don't want him to just mount her from behind if she's doing something with me or his wife. It's ok for him to do whatever as long as my wife is calling the shots. Right now, my wife isn't comfortable with me fucking the other women. Our rules may change. We may throw rules out or add rules in once things progress. That’s it... easy and too the point. Then obviously we'd expect to listen to any rules they have.

 

This is about my wife and I. I don't feel I should have to break everything down for them (other couple) and I really don't need to hear about how or why the other couple got to where they are. Lets just have fun!

 

If it can work (in a drama free way) we'll play. If not, we're still friends.

[sexcupid 809]

Well I would encourage you to search here for threads on rules. There are tons of them. Most people start out with tons of them and most end up tossing them out the window after the first few playtimes. However, you've already had those first few times...so I'm curious (or perhaps nosy lol) if anything that happened...particularly in the second event, since there was more interaction between the men and women and not just the ladies putting on a show...that has now been ruled out?

 

One more thought on rules...the more of them there are, the more likely they are to be forgotten in the heat of the moment...or if its something that has been in your repertoire (like idk...kissing someone's neck or shoulder while they ride you) and that is now crossed off your list...well there is a greater chance that you will "mess up".

 

And yes it is about you and your wife...but it is also about the other couple as well. So while it doesn't have to be a long and involved conversation...it is wise to see what they are interested in happening. I know there are some threads here also about couples where the guy wanted to play...but didn't to start off and all play was focused on the wife...and like 3 or 4 years later he's still sitting on the sidelines because she was still having difficulty wrapping her mind around him having sex with someone else while she had already had sex with a small battalion of someone else's in that time.

 

Your wife is the slowest moving one at this time and I am not saying make her do something she doesn't want to do. But it would be wise while you are having these discussions to dig into the reasons she isn't comfortable with you having sex with someone else while she is being given the freedom to do so. Things don't always have to be "fair" or even so to speak...but I think it would be beneficial to find out if her reasons trend along the fear of the unknown and she will be okay with time...or if its more on the end of hell no and why.

[Coupleerotic22 1,419]

First, let me say I am guilty of not reading this thread from the beginning, but you last comment about the talk I wanted to address.

 

It does not need to be a negotiation. It can just be part of the conversation.

 

After some small talk, chit chat, whatever, but when the conversation turns to play or BEFORE things start heating up, just bring up your ground rules.

 

For example:

 

You: Hey guys, before we get to far down the road, I just wanted to know if what the ground rules are, the boundaries so to speak.

 

Them: Well, we are good with just about anything. No animials, though (laughing by all)

 

You: Well, WE are new to this and want to ease into it so everyone is comfortable. So we have a couple of things we want to get out there. If that is okay.

 

Them: Sure, fire away.

 

You: No intercourse, oral is fine, but lets stay away from penetration for now. Maybe another time, maybe not, we just have to feel our way through this.

 

 

 

It can be as easy and laid back as that, just know what you want to say and work it into the conversation. No need to make a big show of it.

 

We have almost always worked out any big issues BEFORE we even have met, but we still go over the ground rules before we play. For example, I might say to the guy "You have enough condoms? I would hate for things to bog down, because we don't play without them, if you needs some more let me know, I have plenty."

 

Last note: as you make your rules think about WHY you want those rules. We made a book full before we started playing. It did not take long to get rid of most all of them because we realized we did not need them. SO think about why you want the rules. Try to keep them to a minimum, but enough so you feel comfortable. It is sex, if you have too may rules to remember, you end up thinking about rules and not having fun.

[DocWill 83]

First, let me say I am guilty of not reading this thread from the beginning, but you last comment about the talk I wanted to address.

 

It does not need to be a negotiation. It can just be part of the conversation.

 

After some small talk, chit chat, whatever, but when the conversation turns to play or BEFORE things start heating up, just bring up your ground rules.

 

For example:

 

You: Hey guys, before we get to far down the road, I just wanted to know if what the ground rules are, the boundaries so to speak.

 

Them: Well, we are good with just about anything. No animials, though (laughing by all)

 

You: Well, WE are new to this and want to ease into it so everyone is comfortable. So we have a couple of things we want to get out there. If that is okay.

 

Them: Sure, fire away.

 

You: No intercourse, oral is fine, but lets stay away from penetration for now. Maybe another time, maybe not, we just have to feel our way through this.

 

 

 

It can be as easy and laid back as that, just know what you want to say and work it into the conversation. No need to make a big show of it.

 

We have almost always worked out any big issues BEFORE we even have met, but we still go over the ground rules before we play. For example, I might say to the guy "You have enough condoms? I would hate for things to bog down, because we don't play without them, if you needs some more let me know, I have plenty."

 

Last note: as you make your rules think about WHY you want those rules. We made a book full before we started playing. It did not take long to get rid of most all of them because we realized we did not need them. SO think about why you want the rules. Try to keep them to a minimum, but enough so you feel comfortable. It is sex, if you have too may rules to remember, you end up thinking about rules and not having fun.

 

+1

 

Just to caveat off of what Coupleerotic wrote: keep the conversation light. After all, the four of you are being intimate with each other on a sexual level, so talking about what happened, what might happen next, and your “rules” shouldn’t be a problem. In our situation it took all of about five minutes to have the conversation with the other couple- and we agreed that we should have had it a lot sooner than we did.

 

One possible reason for your wife’s apprehensions is that she might be rationalizing the situation AFTER the experience. Mrs. Will did that- in the heat of the moment she’d be willing to take on a football team and be completely uninhibited while doing so, but after the sex was done she’d rationalize between her “normal” behavior and her “wild side.” This gave her pause when we’d discuss the situation in a non-sexual environment. Like you, I was ready for everything, but I just sat back to let her figure out… almost to the point that I stopped talking about it during sex (she was actually the one who would bring it up nine times out of ten). Then one day, out of the blue (and nearly 10 years after our first threesome), she told me that she wanted to swing- and we had a great conversation about our limits and got involved in the LS together. Again, patience and conversation at HER speed will pay dividends, but don’t be surprised if it takes a long time to get there. Women are a tricky animal when it comes to processing feelings, desires, and emotions.