This guy showed up at her place of work...

[grabbyzz 26]

Just wondering if y'all think we've over reacted to a situation....My friend recently signed up on of the swinger sites here....she is newly single, coming out of an abusive relationship, very nervous. Shes not really sure what she wants to do, but she has been chatting with a few people. She sent a face pic to one guy that she was chatting with. This guy recognized her and showed up to her place of work and said hi..This really freaked her out....quite a few people we talked to about it think that she over reacted and that this is part of the lifestyle....it would have been fine had he said something like don't you work at ........, or if she told him to come by and say hi....

Anyway, any opinions?

[starryeyes 23]

I think she is just fine... after all she just got out of an abusive relationship and she's dipping the proverbial toe in the water. I believe it would have been better for him to wait and see where the lifestyle would have taken them... just my two cents.

[two4youinswva 3,068]

This guy recognized her and showed up to her place of work and said hi..This really freaked her out....

 

Did she know who the guy was prior to talking to him online?

 

If not, then yeah, freaked out a bit would be my reaction.

[N8ture Girl 318]

Just wondering if y'all think we've over reacted to a situation....My friend recently signed up on of the swinger sites here....she is newly single, coming out of an abusive relationship, very nervous. Shes not really sure what she wants to do, but she has been chatting with a few people. She sent a face pic to one guy that she was chatting with. This guy recognized her and showed up to her place of work and said hi..This really freaked her out....quite a few people we talked to about it think that she over reacted and that this is part of the lifestyle....it would have been fine had he said something like don't you work at ........, or if she told him to come by and say hi....

Anyway, any opinions?

 

Over reacted? If she is uncomfortable with what happened then she had a right to be freaked out about it! I consider myself as an experienced swinger, but if someone I started chatting with that I dont know really well out of the blue shows up at my job I'd be pissed! Just imagine this gal who is totally new to the idea and this dude drops in, if it were me I'd feel uncomforatable too.

Being invited and or knowing someone really well is one thing but this doesnt sound like it was the case here. People need to respect her boundries and have a little common sense! As far as those who said she is over reacting and this is "part of the lifestyle" what are these people thinking? I"ve recognized people on Swing Lifestyle or after swapping pics but I would never just drop in to say hi unless I knew it was ok to do so.

[LikeMinds321 1,527]

I'd need a lot more information before I could say whether I thought this was something that would freak me out. You've given us so little.

 

I've thougt about a couple ways this could go and one way it would seem like the guy went too far and it would make me uneasy.

 

Another story I created left me feeling very nice:

 

I work as a cashier at a Super Target in a great part of town where I really like my job. One busy Saturday afternoon a guy checks out at my register and I think I recognize him...could it...be Jim...from the swinger site I've been IMing with? As I ring up his Gillette shaving cream for sensitive skin (with aloe), Dry Idea deodarant, Iams dog food, and a Happy Birthday Mom Hallmark card, he says "Hi Judy, I thought you looked familiar. I shop here all the time, I just had to get in your line and say hello"...

 

LM

[Cajun2Step 65]

She sent a face pic to one guy that she was chatting with.

 

Anyway, any opinions?

====================================

If she was unwilling to go whole all the way and jump in with both feet, she should not have sent the face pic. That said, we both think the guy was way out of line showing up at her place of work and we feel she has a right to be concerned. As to whether there was or is an over-reaction we do not have enough info to make that call.

[LFM2 1,482]

Me, as a swinger and as a person who works with all sorts of people in the public, really like it when people we know in the swinger arena are discreet if they see me in public.

 

I would freak out if someone I was only talking to online found out where I worked and then came to see me. I would almost feel as if I was being stalked. I don't talk about swinging with my friends. They have no idea we have this hobby and I like it that way.

 

He should have asked her if it was OK to stop by first and then go see her if she thought that was appropriate.

[LarryDavid 15]

I think it's weird for someone to just show up like that.

[The Fuse 1,012]

He should have asked her if it was OK to stop by first and then go see her if she thought that was appropriate.

 

I agree with this strongly. I know we don't have a lot of information, but I can't think of a way I would be comfortable with someone just showing up at a place where I have a vanilla interest, i.e. work, without first asking. I think it shows a strong lack of discretion and a disregard for her comfort.

[ClosetSwinger 112]

Yep the guy is CRAZY. Unless she had ACTUALLY also known him too, then HELL NO this is OVER THE LINE. Now that being said had she said I work at ABC and you can come by and say hi, that would have been okay. From what you are saying that is NOT what happened though. Did he tell her when he saw her pics "hey i know you from your work"?

 

Bottom line this is creepy for someone to show up like that unannounced. A first meet should be something agreed upon by all parties. How awkward for her to have to try and deal with that AT WORK.

 

She is not over reacting, the guy crossed the line. Weird.

[Olivesman 15]

If she is as new and nervous as you say she is, surprised she didn't go through the roof! The guy should be sat down and verbally horsewhipped- a real dumm stunt.

 

Olivesman

[Coupleerotic22 1,419]

I like what LikeMinds and LFM2 said.

 

First it really is situational, its about prior relationship, second regardless of the situation discretion is paramount.

 

Like LikeMinds said, if she works in a place where she deals with the public directly and this guy is a frequent visitor, then no harm no foul, IF he was discreet. In fact it would be odd, for example, if she worked in a coffee shop and the guy was there often, then stopped coming because they met online. At the same time, it needs to be handled with discretion, a nod and wink is okay, but open discussion is not.

 

If on the other hand, she worked in an office, for example, and she had not had prior dealings with him, then that would bother me intensely, regardless of his discretion. There is no prior relationship, so it is out of the norm.

 

Case this in a vanilla point of view (setting aside the swinging discretion issue for a moment). If she were just on a regular dating site, would this encounter bother her? Or or does the concern come from the fact she met him on a swinging site? If she would be okay with the encounter in that situation, then it comes down to discretion about swinging. In that case, if he was discreet, then I am would not be concerned. If, on the other hand, if the encounter would bother her, the yes I would be concerned regardless of his discretion.

 

One last thing. We hold back face pics until we get to know someone better. Depending on the situation, type and frequency of communications, their profiles and out gut feeling, that time varies. But you should always be cautious about sending face pics to anyone.

[Alura 2,774]

... he says "Hi Judy, I thought you looked familiar. I shop here all the time, I just had to get in your line and say hello"...

 

LM

 

Did you ask him who Judy might be?

 

Alura

[Coupleerotic22 1,419]

Did you ask him who Judy might be?

 

Alura

 

Lol, I can see it now.

 

"Hey LikeMinds321, I am WellHung3847, remember me? We chatted on Swing Lifestyle last week. I just wanted to say hi in person. So when do you want to get together so I can show you my screen name is accurate?"

 

As the 87 year old church lady behind him in line starts reaching for medication, and the 16 year old grocery sacker starts sweating as he stares at LM's "assets" and undressing her mentally.

[bi4me2 93]

I think it's weird for someone to just show up like that.

 

Yup! That's about the same thing both of us would feel, especially if they showed up at work.

 

This guy may just have 'jumped the gun' but it bothers me that he thought it was ok to just show up like that. There are boundaries that really shouldn't be broken.

[The Fuse 1,012]

I like what LikeMinds and LFM2 said.

 

First it really is situational, its about prior relationship, second regardless of the situation discretion is paramount.

 

Like LikeMinds said, if she works in a place where she deals with the public directly and this guy is a frequent visitor, then no harm no foul, IF he was discreet. In fact it would be odd, for example, if she worked in a coffee shop and the guy was there often, then stopped coming because they met online. At the same time, it needs to be handled with discretion, a nod and wink is okay, but open discussion is not.

 

If on the other hand, she worked in an office, for example, and she had not had prior dealings with him, then that would bother me intensely, regardless of his discretion. There is no prior relationship, so it is out of the norm.

 

Case this in a vanilla point of view (setting aside the swinging discretion issue for a moment). If she were just on a regular dating site, would this encounter bother her? Or or does the concern come from the fact she met him on a swinging site? If she would be okay with the encounter in that situation, then it comes down to discretion about swinging. In that case, if he was discreet, then I am would not be concerned. If, on the other hand, if the encounter would bother her, the yes I would be concerned regardless of his discretion.

 

One last thing. We hold back face pics until we get to know someone better. Depending on the situation, type and frequency of communications, their profiles and out gut feeling, that time varies. But you should always be cautious about sending face pics to anyone.

 

I respectfully but strongly disagree that it is situational. No matter what the situation, the guy should have contacted her THROUGH THE SWING SITE again and asked if he could stop by her work, before showing up. If someone did that to me, even if I worked at Starbucks, I'd be really upset. Even if it were a vanilla dating site, then I would still feel a bit intimidated and very uncomfortable. It's not like you can leave work if the visit is unwelcome! You're a bit captive. I would have a real problem with this.

[Coupleerotic22 1,419]

I respectfully but strongly disagree that it is situational. No matter what the situation, the guy should have contacted her THROUGH THE SWING SITE again and asked if he could stop by her work, before showing up. If someone did that to me, even if I worked at Starbucks, I'd be really upset. Even if it were a vanilla dating site, then I would still feel a bit intimidated and very uncomfortable. It's not like you can leave work if the visit is unwelcome! You're a bit captive. I would have a real problem with this.

 

Hello, The Fuse, I normally agree with you, but I am not sure what you would expect in this situation. First, let me say, what we know about the situation is sparse, so everything said has been hypothetical. And I certainly agree that if someone is going out of their way to show up at her place of work it is disrespectful and alarming. But, I maintain there are certainly situations where I can see this happening in a perfectly innocent way. The OP makes reference to it being "part of the lifestyle." I would say that running into people you meet in the LS is part of the LS, but having someone go out of their way to "run" into you is not.

 

Lets say, I go to the same Starbucks everyday, order the same thing. Some days, Suzy Q is working, some days not. Now if I meet Suzy Q online, do I need to find a new Starbucks? Should I avoid and ignore her when I am there? Should I tell her via chat, I know where she works because I am in there everyday? What if I don't don't put her Pic together with her workplace until I see her again?

 

What if she works in the same building and I see here 2-3 times a day on the elevator? Or she works out a the same gym as I do, where she teaches spinning? Or she turns out to be my dentist? Or she is my mothers home care nurse?

 

I certainly can see situations where there should not be alarm bells going off. Now, if he was in her office building and had no business there, or started going to that gym, (or even started taking the spinning class out of the blue) or changed dentist to see her, YES, that would be WAY over the line. In the last example, what do I do, find a new mother, or tell her to find a new job if she is uncomfortable?

 

I certainly agree with you if someone pops up at somewhere they have never been, or even if they go there regularly, but don't normal have contact, and try to make contact. But it seems counter intuitive to change how you conduct your everyday life, just because you meet someone online, and find out they are already, even if tangentially, part of that life.

 

You say he should have contacted her first to ask if he could go to her workplace. But if I am a frequent customer, do I really need to ask her if I can continue going to her place of work? That really puts her in a bad spot, if she says "Don't come here anymore", she runs the risk of loosing her job if her employer finds out. It is one thing for an employer to be prying into an employees personal life, but they would certainly have grounds to fire her if she was telling a customer not to come there because of it.

 

One last situation, one which I could easily see myself in. I am great with faces, I can meet someone I haven't seen in many years, who has changed a great deal and still recognize them. It happens to me all the time. However, I am horrible with putting names to those faces or remembering just where it is I know them from. So, I meet Suzy Q online, and I think she looks familiar, but I am not sure. After all I am used to seeing her in a uniform, hair back and a cap. She sent me a photo with flowing hair, bright red lipstick and well done make up, wearing a sexy outfit. A couple days later I am in Starbucks, she waits on me. As she finishes my order and gives me my change, it hits me "I KNOW HER FROM...." I am sure I may face has shown some reaction, and "Hey" might have even made it out of my mouth before I catch myself. Later that evening I chat her up and tell her about it. TO me that is a situation that would certainly be innocuous. I hope you see my point and that I very much think that there are certainly other situations that are completely out of line.

[amid 91]

Situation or no situation.. We both think there is an unwritten rule of etiquette that should be observed all the times. He crossed a line he shouldn't have without asking permission first. He's the kid down the block that always comes in your house and goes right to your refridgerator and opens it to see what's to eat without asking. Manners are manners. Vanilla life and Swinglife will always be seperate for us. If anyone does anything to compromise that they are crossed off.

 

As to the Starbuck situation above. If I were that Starbucks customer I would continue to come in and do what I always did without change UNLESS.. I was approached first by the employee that I knew from Swing Chat to acknowledge our outside connection. If I felt comforable enough to bring that connection over to the vanilla side then ok. Until that happened it would be business as usual without missing a beat.

[two4youinswva 3,068]

I respectfully but strongly disagree that it is situational. No matter what the situation, the guy should have contacted her THROUGH THE SWING SITE again and asked if he could stop by her work, before showing up. If someone did that to me, even if I worked at Starbucks, I'd be really upset. Even if it were a vanilla dating site, then I would still feel a bit intimidated and very uncomfortable. It's not like you can leave work if the visit is unwelcome! You're a bit captive. I would have a real problem with this.

 

For us, work is work, play is play, and never the twain shall meet.

In other words, "Don't fuck with me and my career", even if you think it's an innocent meeting.

[Coupleerotic22 1,419]

I guess I am in the extreme minority on this one. But, sometimes vanilla and LS worlds collide, it is best not to freak out when they do. And, frankly, I was taught that lesson by the fine folks on this forum. So I am a little surprised at the reactions my post has received.

[The Fuse 1,012]

Hello, The Fuse, I normally agree with you, but I am not sure what you would expect in this situation. First, let me say, what we know about the situation is sparse, so everything said has been hypothetical. And I certainly agree that if someone is going out of their way to show up at her place of work it is disrespectful and alarming. But, I maintain there are certainly situations where I can see this happening in a perfectly innocent way. The OP makes reference to it being "part of the lifestyle." I would say that running into people you meet in the LS is part of the LS, but having someone go out of their way to "run" into you is not.

 

Lets say, I go to the same Starbucks everyday, order the same thing. Some days, Suzy Q is working, some days not. Now if I meet Suzy Q online, do I need to find a new Starbucks? Should I avoid and ignore her when I am there? Should I tell her via chat, I know where she works because I am in there everyday? What if I don't don't put her Pic together with her workplace until I see her again?

 

What if she works in the same building and I see here 2-3 times a day on the elevator? Or she works out a the same gym as I do, where she teaches spinning? Or she turns out to be my dentist? Or she is my mothers home care nurse?

 

I certainly can see situations where there should not be alarm bells going off. Now, if he was in her office building and had no business there, or started going to that gym, (or even started taking the spinning class out of the blue) or changed dentist to see her, YES, that would be WAY over the line. In the last example, what do I do, find a new mother, or tell her to find a new job if she is uncomfortable?

 

I certainly agree with you if someone pops up at somewhere they have never been, or even if they go there regularly, but don't normal have contact, and try to make contact. But it seems counter intuitive to change how you conduct your everyday life, just because you meet someone online, and find out they are already, even if tangentially, part of that life.

 

You say he should have contacted her first to ask if he could go to her workplace. But if I am a frequent customer, do I really need to ask her if I can continue going to her place of work? That really puts her in a bad spot, if she says "Don't come here anymore", she runs the risk of loosing her job if her employer finds out. It is one thing for an employer to be prying into an employees personal life, but they would certainly have grounds to fire her if she was telling a customer not to come there because of it.

 

One last situation, one which I could easily see myself in. I am great with faces, I can meet someone I haven't seen in many years, who has changed a great deal and still recognize them. It happens to me all the time. However, I am horrible with putting names to those faces or remembering just where it is I know them from. So, I meet Suzy Q online, and I think she looks familiar, but I am not sure. After all I am used to seeing her in a uniform, hair back and a cap. She sent me a photo with flowing hair, bright red lipstick and well done make up, wearing a sexy outfit. A couple days later I am in Starbucks, she waits on me. As she finishes my order and gives me my change, it hits me "I KNOW HER FROM...." I am sure I may face has shown some reaction, and "Hey" might have even made it out of my mouth before I catch myself. Later that evening I chat her up and tell her about it. TO me that is a situation that would certainly be innocuous. I hope you see my point and that I very much think that there are certainly other situations that are completely out of line.

 

I think in any of these situations, before you introduce yourself in a vanilla setting as someone she has been in contact with on a non-vanilla site, you should contact her on the non-vanilla site and say "Hey, I know you from such-and-such a place, that I go to about twice a week (or whatever it is). I hope it's okay if I say hello, and please know that I will never say anything inappropriate in that place, nor will I pester you there."

 

That way, the lady knows BEFORE being presented with a disquieting situation, that there is nothing to be worried about.

 

Yes, it is possible that the guy was innocently in her place of work. It is still not cool to introduce himself there, without some warning on the swing site first.

[naughtyus74 16]

If they were already talking it would have been polite for him to run it by her before showing up IMO.

[Alura 2,774]

Do we know that this fellow went there specifically to see the lady in question, (which would definitely be scary) or is it possible he didn't know she was there but recognized her from the picture and just got in her line without thinking through how she might react?

 

I went back and speed-read most of the thread. It seems to me that may be an unknown factor.

 

Did I miss something?

 

Alura

[Coupleerotic22 1,419]

Did I miss something?

 

Nope. The details are sparse from the OP. They met online. She sent face pic. He recognized her. Showed up at her work. Said Hi.

 

That is why I maintained there could be an innocent situation that this occurred. Certainly there are some more frightening possibilities, but innocent ones as well.

[Coupleerotic22 1,419]

I think in any of these situations, before you introduce yourself in a vanilla setting as someone she has been in contact with on a non-vanilla site, you should contact her on the non-vanilla site and say "Hey, I know you from such-and-such a place, that I go to about twice a week (or whatever it is). I hope it's okay if I say hello, and please know that I will never say anything inappropriate in that place, nor will I pester you there."

 

That way, the lady knows BEFORE being presented with a disquieting situation, that there is nothing to be worried about.

 

Yes, it is possible that the guy was innocently in her place of work. It is still not cool to introduce himself there, without some warning on the swing site first.

 

Fuse - I would not disagree with anything you said above.

 

But it is a small world. I fully expect to run into LS people at some point either in my job or theirs. At that point it becomes an issue of how you handle it. All we know is the guy said "Hi". If it was a chance meeting and that is all that was said, it seem innocuous. If it turns out the guy made an effort to do this, or is stalking her or is not discreet, then absolutely he is dead wrong and alarms would go off in my head.

 

I was thinking about potentially real situations I could find myself in and how I would handle them. They are several I think are innocent, for example, I chat with at least 3 different nurses from a swinging site. A family member has a home care nurse come a couple of times a week. I have never met her. At some point I probably will run into her at their house. If it turns out to be someone I know from online, I would simply introduce myself in a vanilla fashion, just as I would if I had not met her online, and at the next online opportunity I would discuss it with her.

 

I think acting differently than you would normally in a given situation could potentially be much worse. If I realized the home care nurse was someone I met from a swing site and I got nervous or was impolite and left without saying anything, my family member would pick up on it and be suspicious. Questions would ensue, potentially causing far more than discomfort for both of us.

 

I am just saying there are situations that could occur innocently. Diffusing a bomb by acting naturally is far better than letting it blowup in your face by panicking.

[two4youinswva 3,068]

This really freaked her out....

I guess I am in the extreme minority on this one. But, sometimes vanilla and LS worlds collide, it is best not to freak out when they do.

 

Being freaked out ≠ Freaking out.

One can experience the former without doing the latter.

[Coupleerotic22 1,419]

 

Okay, I give. Ya'll got me.

 

To the OP, clearly there is absolutely no possible scenario that exist where running into some you met online (swinger or vanilla site) at their work place (or any vanilla situation, apparently) and saying "Hi" could be innocent or unavoidable, let alone appropriate.

 

If a guy sees someone he met online, he is obligated to immediately head the other way, avoid contact at all cost and say nothing, regardless of what the situation is or what the potential implication maybe.

 

And of course, the girl should, let me get this semantically correct, BE freaked out.

 

Consider me educated now.

[LikeMinds321 1,527]

 

Just wondering if y'all think we've over reacted to a situation....My friend recently signed up on of the swinger sites here....she is newly single, coming out of an abusive relationship, very nervous. Shes not really sure what she wants to do, but she has been chatting with a few people...

Mr grabbyzz ~ I've read all your past posts and I know you have always posted, rather than your wife. You also have said that you and your wife play separately most of the time, in fact, your wife has had regular FB boyfriend(s), one of whom is her boss who you said she has been playing with alone for 10 years. I don't recall much if anything you've said about your solo play with women, but I have taken all this into consideration when posting here.

 

I am curious who the "we" is that you refer to above? I am wondering if the we you refer to is you and this woman you wrote about?

 

Could it be that you have been getting to know her online and are considering her as a possible playmate?

 

Could it be that she may have told you a story to send you the message, don't show up at my workplace, because she senses you may do just that?

 

 

...She sent a face pic to one guy that she was chatting with. This guy recognized her and showed up to her place of work and said hi..This really freaked her out....quite a few people we talked to about it think that she over reacted and that this is part of the lifestyle....it would have been fine had he said something like don't you work at ........, or if she told him to come by and say hi....

 

Anyway, any opinions?

As I said in my earlier post, there is too little information to know what is really going on here. Mr grabbyzz, It would be great if you could come back and provide more information.

 

 

Generally, finding a chat buddy from a swinger site showing up uninvited at your workplace is not a good thing. However, people can make some less-than-wise choices as swingers (like showing up a a workplace), without being bad or dangerous people. Making bad decisions and learning from them is part of swinging. I'm trying to keep this in mind.

 

LM

[ClosetSwinger 112]

If she works in a place like Starbucks he should have told her that he comes there often and has seen her there when working. He ALSO should have ASKED if it was okay if he says hi or introduces himself next time he comes in. This way it's not something sprung on her. Otherwise if it is a place he frequents he should have just kept his mouth shut when he went in the next time and not mentioned SLS or swinging etc.

[Alura 2,774]

I went to a local drug store and noticed a lady who looked familiar, but couldn't place her. She reminded me who she was... worked as my secretary about twenty years ago.

 

I wasn't stalking her, I promise.

 

Alura