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We've been slowly getting back into the swing of things...moving at my wife's comfort level. We've been visiting clubs locally over the last couple of months... Have yet to play with anyone, but definitely enjoying being around other like minded, sexy people. Here's the situation:

 

My wife tells me she's not ready to play with couples, but very interested in having another female to join us, while I watch at first and then join in later. I'm fine with that, so we've contacted some single females, but they never follow through...no big deal, shit happens.

 

So, the other day my wife says she would feel more comfortable playing with another female by herself without me there. At first, I'm thinking to myself 'sure that would be HOT' But after thinking about it a bit, I thought to my self 'what does she mean more comfortable without me' :confused: So, when I ask her about her comment, she said 'she doesn't know what to do and would feel embarrassed and on display doing anything in front of me' I told her, we're both new and no one knows what to do exactly the first time at something like this and we should not be embarrassed or uncomfortable doing anything in front of each other, ever.

 

She says that 'she can't help how she feels and I should respect her feelings...she says, it's only for the first time and then she'll be more comfortable being with couples and doing other 3somes. I told her, I personally don't have a problem with her being with another female, but it bothers me that she feels that way about me :confused: She now feels like she should have never said anything and she doesn't want to swing anymore.

 

Any advice with this mess, would be greatly appreciated.

 

Thanks.

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Maybe it would be helpful to your wife for her to read and post on here.

 

I'd continue to talk with her about her feelings and concerns. I wonder how she would feel if the situation was reversed and you wanted to play without her present. Does she recognize your concerns?

 

Personally, I feel more comfortable in new situations with my husband with me. I'm not bi or even bi-curious, but have had enjoyable experiences with women when we've played with couples. We all just had fun and were in the moment. I think planning to play with a girl for the first time would make things more awkward. That's just my opinion and experience. Maybe your wife will post on here and we can learn about her perspective.

 

Good luck!

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I can see this thread going in a number of different directions.

  1. Look out, she is really wanting to play without you, Red flag warnings.
  2. She really does not want to be in the lifestyle, knew you would not go for it and this is her way out. And if you did go for it, she could just not play and come back and tell you how much she hated it.
  3. She really is curious and a bit nervous, so keep talking and give her some space to explore.

 

Personally, I would certainly start with the latter. My wife was up and down about going solo. At times she really wanted it and others not so much. I think she was as nervous about my reaction as she was anything else.

 

She did not go solo at first, but has since then. She is now of the mindset, "been there, done that" and is adamant that she wants me to be there for future play dates of any kind. She says it is just much more fun. Although, unless it is a threesome. "puppy pile" or orgy, she prefers separate rooms, it's just to easy to get distracted by each other. That goes for me too.

 

Your wife's reaction could be a number of things, nervousness, fear, insecurity. Your best best is to continue to talk with her, but don't put pressure on her in any directions. If she feels pressured she may clam up.

 

Also examine why you feel as you do. Is it because you really wanted this to be about you guys doing this together and you are disappointed, or you are hurt because her comfort level with you is not there, or could it be your feeling some insecurities about her doing this without you. Talk with her about your feelings as well.

 

Could it be one of the other two things I mentioned at first? Absolutely, or something entirely different. The only way to get to the root of all of this is through communication, open, honest and complete. Just do not over react to anything and try to work it out calmly. If you can find a place where you respect each others desires and wishes you are better off. If it turns out this is something where your relationship is not where it needs to be or that would harm your relationship. Then it is best you move on past the lifestyle.

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I've played "together," as a foursome, with hubby, and we've played separately (under the same roof, in different locations, and totally solo). I'm fine with them all. I am most relaxed, however, when I'm with only one partner in a room. Why? It has nothing to do with not wanting hubby around. It has everything to do with being able to focus on who I'm with and not worry about or, in the alternative, be distracted by hubby and/or his partner. That's me. I don't swing to be an exhibitionist or voyeur, even though those roles are sometimes fun. I do it to be able to enjoy the sexual experience with another. Maybe your wife feels the same. By the same token, if my hubby were uncomfortable with the thought, I wouldn't do it.

 

Different comfort levels can be managed. Just consider carefully why you feel the way you do. Pushing through insecurities can be a good thing.

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One option you may wish to consider. If it's nerves on her part, maybe videotape? That way you can catch the action without being physically present. If both she and the potential partner agree, it could work for you.

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I'm not giving any advice, simply sharing my experience as a woman who felt similar to your wife.

 

The first time I ever had any Bi play I was 18 and in front of my significant other and his guy friend. We played and the guys just sat back drooling but I have to say I didn't enjoy that aspect of it. I didn't like putting on a show. A few years later I knew I wanted to enjoy the touch of a woman but didn't want to put on a show. I met a girl who felt the same way as I did, we both were in long term relationships and both received support from our spouses to try it. It was so nice to not have that outside stimulation and I could really focus on her and what I was doing and receiving and get a good idea if I truly enjoyed it. I knew I would enjoy it because I liked being with a woman but not because of the naughty or voyuer factor. Both of our husband's were supportive and enjoyed just hearing about it. This happened three times and were finally reaching a good comfort level. One night we went out the four of us and her and I were so hot after each other we didn't care who was around us and the guys definitely got a show. I'm so glad my husband was patient and understanding! I really enjoyed Bi play for quite some time after that. I still enjoy it today if I'm not pressured into putting on a show or if there is some kind of expectation for it.

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I am most relaxed, however, when I'm with only one partner in a room. Why? It has nothing to do with not wanting hubby around. It has everything to do with being able to focus on who I'm with and not worry about or, in the alternative, be distracted by hubby and/or his partner.

 

Very well said.

 

We played and the guys just sat back drooling but I have to say I didn't enjoy that aspect of it. I didn't like putting on a show.

It is things like this we guys seem to forget. Excellent post!

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I love being watched by my man/other men so that part for me was always more exciting. Knowing that what I AM DOING is making my man/a group of men...hell ANYONE ELSE hot, OMG THAT JUST TOTALLY DOES IT FOR ME. MMMMM.

 

Sorry I got carried away there. ;-)

 

Not every woman is this way though.

 

I REALLY love sharing another woman with my husband. I find it hot to lick another woman WITH my hubby. It helped at first because I DIDNT KNOW what I was doing either so I could watch him and get tips, and that made me even hotter. LOLOLOL I'm such a freak.

 

Maybe she would feel comfortable if you were BOTH pleasuring the female together? I would keep the lines of communication open with her BUT I will agree that the fact she is so quick to say NEVER MIND no swinging at all is a red flag. Does she not really want to do this? Is she trying to say she wants to play with couples alone but is scared to? Is this her way of manipulating you into letting her try it alone with other couples? I can't say any of that for sure because I don't know her but I think it's odd she would so quickly just say NO SWINGING over something that really is NOT that big of a deal. You both are trying to find your comfort levels and for her to just THROW HER HANDS UP that fast over this...well it's questionable.

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Mr Coffeeblack...Read and memorize ALilOEverthing's post. Very well put. I have had this same conversation at times with my SO...I get too wrapped up in being an exhibitionist or trying to put on a good show for whoever may be watching than being able to relax and be in the moment.

 

This isn't exactly a mess as you describe it. The fact is the first time you had sex with a girl...would you have wanted an audience? It was something totally new, intriguing, and you probably didn't have the faintest idea what you were doing (everyone kind of has a basic idea...but for arguments sake, no one starts out with finesse lol). For the sake of comparing apples to apples: let's reverse the situation...what if your wife was hot to watch you explore your bi-curiosity with another man?

 

The fact that she was able to talk to you about her concerns (being embarrassed and feeling more like she was "on display") is a good thing...but saying that either one of you should never feel that was totally invalidates what she IS feeling...because your "never" is her "now".

 

Of course she feels like she shouldn't have said anything...I speculate she's thinking "he's not interested in me being able to explore this curiosity of mine...he's worried about not getting his."

 

I guess my point is, she isn't asking to go have a gangbang without you...she is nervous about doing something she's never done (having sex with another woman) and wants a trial run without pressure from spectators (even if that spectator is only you).

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I agree with you sexcupid but the only thing that makes me think IT'S NOT that she is afraid to do it in front of others is the fact she said she would like to try couples ALONE without her husband. That would mean the HUSBAND of the OTHER couple would be there and she would be on display for him, why would she be okay with some other man watching but not hubby?

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d:

She says that 'she can't help how she feels and I should respect her feelings...she says, it's only for the first time and then she'll be more comfortable being with couples and doing other 3somes. I told her, I personally don't have a problem with her being with another female, but it bothers me that she feels that way about me:confused: She now feels like she should have never said anything and she doesn't want to swing anymore.

 

Any advice with this mess, would be greatly appreciated.

 

Thanks. Mr. Coffeeblack

 

In my opinion, Coffeeblack, your wife is the only one who can "help how she feels." Of course, being in a marriage she should avail herself of your help and communication to sort feelings out but, ultimately, she's the only one who can change how she thinks.

 

Also, in my opinion, it's a real block to communication to entertain the idea that she shouldn't have said anything. She needs to say everything, as do you.

 

If she thinks she can get over the discomfort of your being there with a single experience with another lady, I'd be tempted to encourage her. If it proves not to be the case, nothing will be lost.

 

I wonder if it might work for her first experience to take place in the bedroom while you watch football in the den? That might be a compromise that could work.

 

Keep up the communication. That's the only way to sort this out.

 

Alura

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Closetswinger,

 

I mostly latched on to this quote from the OP:

 

So, the other day my wife says she would feel more comfortable playing with another female by herself without me there.

 

This statement:

 

she says, it's only for the first time and then she'll be more comfortable being with couples and doing other 3somes.

 

I interpreted as she will be more comfortable with the both of them (Mr and Mrs Coffeeblack) being with other couples and threesomes once she has crossed the hurdle/feels competent that she can please another woman and be able to communicate what pleases her. Not that she wanted to play with other couples or be the third in someone else's threesome.

 

Hopefully Mr Coffeeblack can clarify when he posts again. :D

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Thanks everyone for your insight...and you are correct sexcupid. After she's had a 1 on 1 she thinks she'll be more comfortable with both of us doing couples or 3somes together, not by herself.

 

The different views are really helping me see things a little differently. I was just a littel hurt and dissapointed that she didn't feel comfortable with me being there:(

 

I'm starting to think, if this is what it takes for her to get her feet wet again, then so be it. As someone said, it's not like she wants to do a gangbang without me.

 

We talked some more today and she says, she's not trying to exclude me, but this is just something she would like to try without any other distractions, she's already feeling pressure( not from me), but because it's something new and different, not sure what to do, nervousness, etc. and she thinks with just her and the other girl she can just relax and focus on whats happening.

 

If she doesn't like it, then she'll know and never have to see the other girl again. I'm starting to wonder if I'm over reacting and being selfish.

 

Again, I do encourage her to explore what she wants without fear or judgment, but I just thought this would be something we could experience together and I felt left out.

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Your feelings are natural and understandable. Sometimes it just takes time to understand them and wrap your brain around them. Communicating is the key, so good job on that part.

 

Hope it all works out well. Good luck :)

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Ahhhhh now I see.

 

It makes sense that the first time she wants it just to be girl/girl no one watching. I was confused.

 

I have a few friends that when they first started playing with women they wanted to do it alone and without the men there watching. I have done the girl girl thing alone with another girl, her first time for that reason, she felt awkward her first time. She's fine about others watching now.

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CoffeeBlack, just my two cents. I have known for over 30 years that I am 100% bi-sexual. I have had two relationships with women. But when it comes to playing with a woman in swing...AlilOEverything sums it up beautifully. Continue to listen and support your darling as you are, work with your feelings of being left out for now, and you will be fine. :)

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Mrs naughtys first time with another woman was just the two of them. She was nervous as hell and felt she could stay more relaxed and focused that way. I was cool with it and even encouraged it. So over the night they came down for snacks and drinks about three times, well the third timr was the charm. LOL! She was cured of any lingering shyness. The rest of the night went well :)

 

I am very glad she got to take her time and do it her way.

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Just an update. I've gotten past feeling left out about wifey wanting to be alone with another girl without me. Since, we've been more open and vocal about what we think, she has really been more involved in chatting and presenting new ways to meet with single females and couples.

 

She also, said she's open to being with a couple as long as there're open to the wife and her having playtime alone, while the guys hang out and then we can all ful swap.

 

This is just something she wants to try, and I'm cool with that. She'll be able to relax and focus on what's going on and not feel like she's entertaining the guys.

 

I feel like the luckest guy in the world.:D Unfortunately, we haven't been able to connect with any compatible couples or females yet.

 

I'm starting realize that meeting people for sex isn't as easy as it sounds and it takes time :( Regardless, I'm enjoying the ride.

 

I want to thank everyone, that read and responded with great advice and insight to my situation. You guys & gals are awesome.

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Meeting compatible playmates can be daunting. But it sounds like ya'll communication has you on a good track. Just be patient, you will find someone that fits the bill for what you want.

 

Glad to hear it is going well on the communications front, don't get discouraged in finding playmates, it can take time, and good luck :)

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    • By C3po
      This all started around forty years ago when my wife Beth and I had dated for a few years then married. It wasn't long after we married that I introduced her to her first big realistic porn star dildo.  When she first saw it she laughed and said, "That'll never fit in my pussy, are you nuts?!" But she agreed to trying and found not only did it fit but she really enjoyed it. She was amazed by how much she enjoyed it.  So much so that she requested I use it on her quite a lot. She also discovered she enjoyed big cock porn, she was fascinated by it. Soon was I combining using a huge dildo on her at the same time she watched big cock porn, this led her to experience huge orgasms. She couldn't get enough. She was finally exploring her sexuality and expanding her outlook on sexual pleasure.
       
      One night after some really hot sex I  questioned her if she ever fantasized about fucking other men, especially well-hung men. She responded that of course she did, stated that most women had this fantasy, and she believed it was quite common. So I pursued it further and asked her if she wanted to try another man's cock and how much did she really desire to do it? She said that it sounded exciting and fun but she would never do anything to endanger our marriage. I said,  "What if I told you that I wanted to watch you have sex with another man, one that had a really big cock. Would you then consider it?" She laughed and said she'd be game if it was something I was serious about and really wanted her to do. She said, "Come on, let's be real. It's exciting and fun to imagine it, but to really do it? Please! That's a major game changer."
       
      So I said, "I'm very serious. I've watched the way you enjoy the dildos especially while watching big cock videos. It turns me on big time seeing how excited you get and how many times you climax from doing these two things at the same time. I want to watch you do it for real. No BS, just watching you getting slammed by a big cock would be a huge turn-on for me. So what do you really think now that you know that I'm serious and am giving you this opportunity?"
       
      I could see her giving it some serious thought, she didn't get mad or upset at me or the idea, no resistance whatsoever to my request.  The more she considered the idea the more it appeared to me that she was very intrigued with the idea and it excited her.
       
      She started asking all kinds of questions, like wouldn't I be jealous, or think the worst of her, or what if she really enjoyed it and wanted more or didn't feel comfortable screwing another man, then what? Were there any rules and what were the consequences? Was I absolutely sure that I really wanted her to do this, because once done there was no going back!
       
      After she finished asking everything she had concerns about I answered all her questions and we talked about the rules/boundaries we would have in place to keep it fun and exciting without any reservations or guilt. This was to make sure she fully understood my concerns and alleviate all of hers as well. It seemed she came to a decision at which point she smiled and enthusiastically said yes, she'd do it! Did I have someone special in mind she wondered? She said she had to agree to my choices for her sexual escapades or it wasn't gonna happen.
       
       I then informed her I was thinking of Bruce. Beth squealed with glee, she admitted she has had fantasies about Bruce for some time now and I couldn't have picked a better choice for her first time. She would absolutely love to fuck Bruce. She said she was getting wet thinking about sex with him.
       
      A few days later I met up with Bruce for an after work drink. As we enjoyed several drinks we talked a lot. Soon I steered the conversation towards my wife Beth. I asked  Bruce to be honest and tell me what he thought about Beth. He admitted he thought Beth was smokin' hot. She had a killer body and was just gorgeous, always was friendly, and liked flirting with him when they were together. I asked him if he' ever had the chance would he consider having sex with her? He looked a bit concerned by my question but answered yes, he wouldn't hesitate to take advantage of such an opportunity. So I told him that Beth really wanted to have sex with him, and that I was okay with them hooking up. I explained that was my kink watching her get fucked by other men, it really turned me on. Bruce considered it for several minutes then said okay sure, he'd love to fuck Beth. Just give him the details when we're ready to make it happen.
       
      When I got home I told Beth about my conversation with Bruce and what he said. She looked startled and said she couldn't believe I did that. So I asked her if what I did was so wrong and did she still want to go through with it? She excitedly said Oh hell yes she did, and no I wasn't wrong! So we made plans and set a date for Beth's first cock. 
       
      The night arrived finding Beth both excited and hot with anticipation. She was dressed to kill showing off her sexy body wearing no underwear. When Bruce knocked on the door I answered it and escorted him into our house. Beth entered the living room and gave Bruce a big hug pressing her chest and pelvis into him and then kissed him on the lips. Bruce kissed her back and he sat down pulling her on to his lap. Nether one of them wasted any time, tongues going everywhere, hands exploring and groping each other, clothes coming off. Soon they were both naked and Beth got a pleasant surprise, Bruce was very well hung. She giggled with delight.
       
      Beth took Bruce's hand and led him to our bed. She pushed him down on the bed and went to work on Bruce's big cock giving him an enthusiastic blow job. After a while Bruce flipped Beth on her back and went to work on her pussy and clit. Beth orgasmed in minutes, fully enjoying Bruce's skilled tongue. I stood in the background watching the show.
       
      Soon Bruce moved into position between Beth's legs. As he rubbed his cock against Beth's open pussy and clit she responded with loud moans and started pressing her pussy against Bruce's cock. As he slid his huge cock into Beth's pussy she had a big climax. As he went deeper he increased his speed and Beth climaxed again. She was enthralled with his big cock pumping her pussy, she was moving her hips and swearing, telling him his cock felt so good. She looked over at me and said she loved how good his big cock felt inside her. She told Bruce to stretch her pussy good, to fuck her hard. She was in sexual ecstasy, a place she'd never been before. Her facial expressions showed pure bliss and the sounds she was making were hot as hell. I never seen her so turned on, she must of had a dozen orgasms, many of which were huge.
       
      They fucked each other hard for a good twenty minutes then Bruce erupted into Beth's pussy, filling her with his cum. This gave Beth another climax. Afterwards he laid on Beth for a minute then rolled off her. He'd destroyed her pussy, it gaped open with his cum dripping out of her. They kissed and he got up to dress while Beth laid there spent. She looked at me and smiled big time. She said, "Your turn!", so I took sloppy seconds and enjoyed it beyond belief. Bruce watched us have sex then commented that watching real sex was so much hotter than any porno ever could be. He understood my enjoyment of watching my wife fuck other men. He said he'd like to do it again and Beth was all for it. So they made plans to hook up again. Then Bruce left.
       
      Beth and I talked about how well things went, and how she wasn't prepared for how much she enjoyed his big cock. It was mind boggling! She thanked me profusely for asking her to do this, the opportunity to experience such awesome sex. She says she'll never be the same again and is looking forward to more big cock sex. So our new lifestyle began.
    • By Sawman
      I am at the mature end of the swinging demographic as are my play friends. The ladies have their share of curves and character lines and often prefer to wear something when younger, fitter ladies prefer total nudity. This is just to say clothing is totally OK if it makes you comfortable. This is not a photo shoot. This is intimacy and mutual giving. Besides, a little color and texture is nice to see and feel. When I know my partner is shy I can adjust and just observe that as a boundary.
       
      Now, go shopping.
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