Swinging to help build my confidence and better our relationship

[Raven74 15]

I'm looking for some feedback since I feel lost right now.

 

My wife wants to have me and another guy but I'm lost as to what I should do. My wife has had a very open sex life before me and I have only had 4 other partners. Very recently I started to realize and begin working on my own personal issues of low self confidence and jealousy. My wife has been with two guys in the past and said she wants this for me to help build my confidence and better our relationship.

 

I fantasize about it but I'm quite scared. I was brought up old fashioned and sharing has been a bit of a hard concept to grasp. I trust my wife and know she would do anything for me but I'm kinda lost as to what I should do. I do know that it excites me very much to talk about it with her and go over some of the things we would encounter.

 

I'm sure I'll have more to add later but any feedback would be awesome.

[bbarnsworth 2,637]

First, !!

 

I'm sure I'll have more to add later but any feedback would be awesome.

 

Your situation is not unusual. As an aside starting off, I read somewhere that the average number of sex partners for a man today is around 5. So, you're right on average. "Only" 4 others is something other men dream of. Obviously the five women you've been with that well enough of you to have sex with you. That should be an esteem booster right there.

 

Now, confidence/jealousy. Hard things to address.

 

I would advise you go slowly. Make sure you and your wife are doing this as a team, together, as a joint experience. Talk talk and talk. When you're done talking everything over twice, go over it all again. Keep talking about it until you feel more comfortable. You will never become 100% comfortable with the idea until you've done it at least once, but you can become more comfortable by talking with your wife about it.

 

Another thing; if this is just bedroom talk, done in the heat of the moment sort of thing, it may just be fantasy and nothing more. If you can talk about it while doing mundane things and are still very interested, that's a sign it's more than just fantasy. Some fantasies are better left as fantasies.

 

Nobody says you have to do this, and certainly you don't have to swing to improve your self confidence and reduce jealousy. I tackled both of those issues myself a long time ago, long before I got into swinging. One does not solve the other.

 

Sharing your wife with other men is an intensely enjoyable experience. It's extremely erotic, and very fun. Hearing my wife moan when another man enters her is a favorite thing for me. But, I can't explain to you WHY I enjoy it so much. I too was brought up in some very old fashioned, conservative ways. Reconciling my immense pleasure in watching my wife having sex with another man with that upbringing just doesn't work. I stop trying to find out why I enjoy it so much vs. my upbringing. It's not that I wantonly ignore the lessons I learned growing up. It's that I recognize that my wife is having an incredible amount of fun, I'm having an incredible amount of fun, and there's no victim in any of it. Our relationship is positively affected, we still love each other madly, and have always had a good time. What's to explain?

 

Focus on your relationship; be honest, open, trusting, and able to communicate about anything. There's no race here; take your time. When you're ready to try, then proceed. In the meantime, lots of talk and feel free to post questions here. We'll be happy to answer!

[Swing*8701 887]

Edison here-- I just have to ask and I'm asking this sincerely. Have you been married long and why are you married ?

[Raven74 15]

We have been together for about 11 years and married for 5. I have always had my issues and married her because she is my best friend, I love her deeply and she hot as hell in the bedroom! To classify a few reasons.

 

It was recent that I took a real look at my life and myself and seen that I really needed a change and a new outlook on life if I was to make the best of my relationship and life as a whole. Myself and my wife have had our ups and downs but I realize that alot had to do with my own insecurities and now I want to live life to the fullest and have fun in everything I do.

 

That's one of the reasons I'm here, if this will benefit my relationship, give my wife pleasure and act out something I've always been very interested.....then I just need advice and suggestions as to how I should go about things and be comfortable. I trust this makes sense.....but I am very nervous and somewhat scared.

 

Thanks so much for the feedback and warm welcome.

[LikeMinds321 1,527]

 

My wife wants to have me and another guy but I'm lost as to what I should do.

Has your wife told you what she wants you to do?

 

If so, please tell us what she is asking of you and how she envisions the play to go, if you don't mind.

 

 

LM

[Cajun2Step 65]

We have been together for about 11 years and married for 5. I have always had my issues and married her because she is my best friend, I love her deeply and she hot as hell in the bedroom! To classify a few reasons.

 

It was recent that I took a real look at my life and myself and seen that I really needed a change and a new outlook on life if I was to make the best of my relationship and life as a whole. Myself and my wife have had our ups and downs but I realize that alot had to do with my own insecurities and now I want to live life to the fullest and have fun in everything I do.

 

That's one of the reasons I'm here, if this will benefit my relationship, give my wife pleasure and act out something I've always been very interested.....then I just need advice and suggestions as to how I should go about things and be comfortable. I trust this makes sense.....but I am very nervous and somewhat scared.

 

Thanks so much for the feedback and warm welcome.

 

You will not know whether it will benefit your relationship until you do it. We caution you to make sure you both really want this as part of your life. For us, we did not need to benefit our relationship. It was and is great. Swinging is for fun not to benefit a relationship that is not strong to begin with....so our thoughts are advance very carefully. Make sure you both know what you are starting. Another way of stating our point is communicate with each other and make sure you both know what you are doing. Make sure you both want the same thing.

[Raven74 15]

Has your wife told you what she wants you to do?

 

If so, please tell us what she is asking of you and how she envisions the play to go, if you don't mind.

 

 

LM

 

We talked about it more and though she has done this in the past, it was only once. I found that she is just as nervous as me and just as excited with the notion. She is open to do anything but would set any limitations that we would decide on. We haven't specifically spoke about how her our I envision the encounter to play out except for what she would be willing to do.....which is completely open.

 

On another note, our relationship is very strong and we are not talking about this to better our relationship or fix anything broken. I read many times that it can make your relationship stronger and if that was to happen it wouldn't hurt a thing

 

My wife is VERY spontaneous and since she is nervous, she wanted to jump right in it and hurry it along. I don't want to rush this without both of us being on the same page and doing it for each other.

[fun4Ds 1,098]

Welcome to the Swingers Board, Raven74....

 

I was just thinking if your feeling lost, I'll at least follow with ya, as you seem to have your bearings at this point. In fact, I think you just may be onto a new journey in life with the right person.

 

As one who enjoys the MFM play, I can say that on my part, It was as sexual as I expected....If not MORE!

 

 

Do you have someone in particular in mind now ?

 

fun4ds

[Raven74 15]

I am very sure I'm with the right person and she has made a couple suggestions but I still have to work out my comfort level with this. I have never had sex in front of a person nor have I watched... not that neither hasn't ever interested me.

 

In our relationship I have always been the social person while my wife isn't as social unless its about sex..I guess shes my sex goddess!! We talked about taking it slow and possibly just having someone watch or video or even get with a couple and just have sex in the same room. I know I have to work on my social skills with other females but I have a great partner that can help.

 

I guess we may try to take it slow but we do go out and when some drinks come into play my wife can go crazy and would do anything...who knows I may just get brave one night and go for it. I do worry about who it would be, how clean they are and where they have been.

 

All the feedback from you guys has been a great help and is appreciated...seems like we cant get enough feedback!

[WeMayTryIt 120]

What do you think your wife's reaction would be if you said you weren't comfortable with the idea and would just prefer to keep it a fantasy? Do you think she would accept that and let that be the answer--I mean, do you think she'd really be able to let it go and still have a completely fulfilled relationship just with you? Being unsure of the answer, or being sure that she wouldn't really be able to let it go, would rightly cause you some angst.

 

What are you most hesitant about? Is it mostly being nervous about having sex in front of someone? Is it fear that she might find someone more sexually appealing than you (someone who is bigger/longer lasting/better at something)?

 

We did some swinging for a while, and we both were pretty much on the same page. We ended up taking a break for over a year because of some unresolved issues we still had to work on. During that time, I sincerely thought we would never be swinging again. While I was a little disappointed--believe it or not, I was more disappointed about what it said about the relationship than about not being able to have sex with other people--I was able to let it go and still have a loving, fulfilling relationship. If I had not been able to fully let it go, I don't know that our relationship would have survived. Through time and communication, we've come to a point where we've started swinging again--at her request; I knew *if* it was ever going to happen, she would have to be the one to make the first move. I'm telling you all of this just to give you some perspective on what circumstances will make it work. If your wife isn't able to let it go as I was, I'm sure you're picking up on that vibe, which is rightly giving you hesitation. Not saying this is the case, just a possibility.

 

For most people, the idea of their spouse having sex with other people is a scary proposition--what if s/he likes the other person better. I wasn't extremely scared of this, but the thought definitely used to cross my mind. For me, the thing that completely removed any hesitation about that was seeing my wife with a guy who was very well hung (I'm about average). Not only did he have a set of equipment, he knew how to use it perfectly. She definitely enjoyed herself. But the moans that came out of her mouth and the movements she made, her eyes rolling back in her head--it wasn't anything I don't see when we're having sex. At that point, I realized I had absolutely nothing to worry about. And I know that no matter how much someone rocks her world, she will always prefer to be with me because our sex has the added emotional connection. If you aren't reasonably comfortable with the fact that your wife would always prefer you over someone else because of your emotional connection, that may be a reason for your hesitation. As someone else said, you can't be 100% sure how you're going to feel about it until it happens, but you need to be as close to 100% as you can be, otherwise I would say you need more discussion before moving on. As you'll hear time and again, communication, communication, communication--be completely transparent with one another and discuss every facet of your desires, expectations and fears.

[SW_PA_Couple 4,024]

. . . I guess we may try to take it slow but we do go out and when some drinks come into play my wife can go crazy and would do anything . . .

This part of the strategy might prove to be effective but is not wise.

[DigginIt 1,132]

There is a lot of great advice throughout this thread and some very good "food for thought" but at the end of the day you have to weigh all of the information and put it into the perspective of your own relationship because it's unique and therefore your outcome will also be. It could be great or horrible or somewhere in between but like one poster stated...you won't know until you try.

 

I often state that swinging is an evolution and how it evolves is directly proportional to the bond that you two share and the level of openness to which you two are capable.

 

Bbarnsworth summed up everything you really need to do prior to embarking on this adventure which you appear to be doing:

 

Focus on your relationship; be honest, open, trusting, and able to communicate about anything. There's no race here; take your time. When you're ready to try, then proceed. In the meantime, lots of talk and feel free to post questions here. We'll be happy to answer!

 

Everything is speculation until you get in the game

 

Good luck!

[whoamihere 15]

My wife and I looked in the lifestyle for a while. I was the one with the fantasy of doing this but in the end nothing came of it. I realized at the end that she would probably had done it to please me only (out of love and her submissive nature). That IMO was not a good reason to jeopardize our marriage trying to make my fantasy come true.

 

We just ended up getting an assortment of dildos/vibrators and just role play at times. No, I don't take it up the pooper although my wife has stated would like to try and put it up there

[Raven74 15]

I think this is going to be a long post so I'll do my best to keep it short.. I believe that if I really wanted to drop it that my wife would but I do believe that it would come up again later. Because I know that she would really like to do this and I am very curious about it. I have been quite insecure and self conscious most of my life and very recently I have decided that I want to enjoy life and live it to the fullest...that means dropping all the old habits and having fun! I know this will be difficult for me at times but I plan to stick to the game and become the best person for myself and my wife. I believe most my problems can be solved with me becoming more comfortable with myself and having that open, honest and trusting relationship.

 

I find it hard to pin point what I think I may be scared of but I do know that my wife being a VERY emotionally attached type of person and a VERY sexual person, that I do worry that she may find a connection with the other person, one that I wouldn't want to exist. I think we both look at this somewhat as if it happens great and if it doesn't its still fun. As for right now we are taking it slow and we decided that being more spontaneous with our sex life would be a great start. She recommended that I could start to get more comfortable with myself and sex by letting her giving me head ( or more ) in front of someone but I do worry about how you know its ok with that person. Do you just ask when its about to happen? Maybe I'm strange...

 

Me and my wife have a GREAT relationship but even though she can be nervous about things, she is VERY open and comfortable with anything sexual. I don't believe that there is anything that she wouldn't do with another person involved and she would hesitate to ask someone if they would like to join in. She has offered to give someone head or have sex with someone and record it for me but I'm really not sure about that one..I get turned on image of it but mad about it happening. I'm not sure why but I think I get mad at the idea of her and someone by themselves and I'm not involved and its more something between my wife and the other person... The other night she tried to give me head while at a friends house while we all had plenty to drink..I didn't let her and mainly because I was scared and I didn't know if it would have been ok with my friend in the room. Do I ask first?

 

As I said out relationship is very good but we have had an issue in the past with her having that emotional connection with someone. The person moved in with us and we would touch and talk about alot in front of that person but I didn't know the connection was there and that connection lead to her doing a few things behind my back. It wasn't intercourse and we are past that now but I do worry about how attached she can become to someone... I also know how cold she can be to get rid of a person! I do have to say that she has been very open about what happened and her feelings but it still kinda gets me mad, I also get very turned on by the fact. She has brought up the idea of a couple different guys but both are friends of hers and one she has a little of that connection with...and is someone she is close to throughout the week. I think that if this was ever to happen it would be best if it was someone we know but then I would like to know that all strings could be cut if it turned out that either one of us wanted it that way. She has also brought up a female but there would have to be some limits to keep her as the focus so that she wouldn't get upset during the play time. Is it strange that a female doesn't seem to offer the same threat as a guy?

 

Like I had said before though...we do have a great relationship! My wife loves attention and is very open sexually but she often has a hard time creating friends and uses her sexual nature to get that attention or find friends, which doesn't work out best since the other person isn't really interested in a friendship to start out with...sometimes she just like to use it to turn guys on. Myself... I could talk my way out of a robbery and probably talk my way into or out of a lot more than that. I am very social and though its more difficult to be social with women, I do see why and I am working my best to defeat my own insecurities and become a ton more self confident. We had both thought of going to a club but I hear that there can be alot of pressure to do something. I guess we are taking it day by day now and I am working my best to overcome my own issues.

 

I hope this wasn't to much of a ramble but I was trying to give you guys as much about us as possible since your feedback has been very open and generous. If you have any suggestions or ideas then please feel free to let us know...

[M1F2KTJ 473]

My wife fell in love with the first guy we tried it with. Long story. After she got over that she was a swinging, MMF, group sex/gang bang loving girl!

[interested-05 135]

if the two of you decide to try swinging , work on it as a couple, or you are likely to regret trying.. agree to your own set of rules, but if alcohol is a problem you really need to keep a lid on the quantity at leaast until you are both really comfortable with swinging.

you may want to start by going to clubs to check out the lifestyle before jumping in with both feet.

[bbarnsworth 2,637]

I can't tell you that a given party atmosphere would be receptive to a couple at the party suddenly engaging in oral sex. Some parties, that would be cool. Some, not so much I can tell you that at a swing club, so long as it was happening in a place in the club where such things were ok (usually most or all of the club) nobody would be upset.

 

You've indicated your wife playing with someone alone and then you watching the recording would make you mad probably. So don't do it. It's ok to have a rule that says no solo playing. Many couples never play solo, and that's fine.

 

You've commented about having limits to keep the focus on her. That would probably create more problems than it would solve.

 

I also agree that the friends idea is a bad idea; go with a person(s) that you can cut out of your life easily.

 

Just take things slowly, bit by bit.

[Raven74 15]

We really appreciate all the advice ... from everyone!!

 

We will be taking it slow and talking about everything under the sun in the meantime. This may happen one day or may never happen but either way this has help us communicate much better. I do think that we would both love to go check out a club, if anything, just to see what its all about but we do a have a couple fears as what to expect.

 

How do you know what the right club is and we both worry that the area the club would be in...well...we worry that it may be a huge cultural difference. (I wasn't sure how else to put that.) I believe that a club would also help me in a way, become more comfortable with myself. I think it would also be very exciting for the both of us since we both like to watch and being watched would also be exciting. Is it ok for a couple to go to a club and just hang out and watch and do people tend to want to pressure you at a club? Should it cost money or be free?

 

Maybe I should be posting these questions in another area...

 

We both like to chill out and have some drinks and though its not a problem it sometimes tends to be a lot if we are out at a club. Hey after a few drinks it kinda goes down like water We are able to keep a handle on it though It also seems that we would have to establish some rules that we would be both comfortable with before going to a club or doing anything else. I know I wouldn't want to put her in a position that would get her upset or Vice-versa. I also know that doing anything would mean it would be for our enjoyment and not just hers or mine or someone else's. What are good limits or is it just what your comfortable with and what your not?

 

Thanks again for all the advice, help and time!!

[funcoupledayton 2,708]

You can check out the club reviews section here for clubs in your area. I think all of them have a door fee, and most probably require some sort of membership fee. Many clubs are BYOB so maybe you should just really limit what you bring so you don't drink to much. Many people go to clubs to watch or just check things out, so you shouldn't feel pressured to play. Good luck and have fun.