I can't stand him being with other women...How do I deal with this?

[somethingwild 15]

Hi guys!

My hubby and I have been swinging for around a year. I've enjoyed it, but I can't stand when is sleeping with another person, let alone watch. I always make sure I am busy when he's having fun with the ladies at the parties.We made it so we can play alone with permission. He never has had any luck with having ladies comming to our home until recent, he had a lady over, who he played with at my birthday bash. I've played with her man but found he was disrespectful and nasty. He asked me to have her over while I took my kid out.The whole time I wasn't happy and all I can think about is them screwing. I came home and was enraged with jelousy and anger. He is fine with me being with men and I am not sure how he deals with it. I've asked him and he says I just do. I want you to be happy. I asked him for a no ask no tell policy to help me get over it, but he said he would be cheating. So what do you do in this type of situation? I do love to swing because it makes up for things we lack and makes me know what I have.

[Coupleerotic22 1,419]

Well the short answer is you probably shouldn't be in the lifestyle. If you get that jealous, (many people get a little jealous), that it consumes your thoughts, then you may not be cut out for the LS. The other red flag was you love to swing because it makes up for things you lack in your relationship.

 

Swinging is about enjoying sexual experiences, not looking for missing pieces or reacting with jealous rages.

 

If you really want to stay in the LS, the search within yourself to figure out what is causing the jealousy. Is it fear, insecurity? Find out what the root problem is and address it. Talk openly with you SO and work it out together. You might want to understand his lack of jealousy better as well. Is he not jealous because he truly loves you and knows you love him so he is not afraid of loosing you or for some other reason? You seem fine with having sex with others as long as he doesn't. Why is that?

 

I would layoff the swinging until you figured this out. Figure out WHY you both want to swing, why you are so jealous and both of you need to communicate like crazy with each other. Leave nothing unsaid.

 

Good luck.

[VegasLee 1,486]

First RED FLAG I see here is your statement of "I do love to swing because it makes up for things we lack."

 

Any time you swing to full fill something you don't feel you have in your own relationship is the wrong reason to be swinging. Swinging long term will not fix things but it sure as hell will tear the relationship apart.

 

You admit you have jealousy and anger problems with this at this point. Time to stop the swinging until you guys fix the "you two" problems. Swinging should enhance things, not be used to fill a gap in a relationship.

 

Jealousy will rip things right apart if you stay doing what your doing. Plain and simple.

 

I would take a break and talk, talk and talk some more. MAYBE in time you MIGHT be able to venture into this Lifestyle but I would not even be thinking about it the way things are.

 

Don't ask, Don't tell DOES NOT WORK in the long run. The jealousy and anger will be more then either of you can deal with. You will always be wondering what he is really doing and it will eat you alive.

 

What is more important, a bit of strange or your family?

 

Good luck to you. Hope you two do the right things since there are children involved.

[The Fuse 1,012]

First RED FLAG I see here is your statement of "I do love to swing because it makes up for things we lack."

Looks like you edited your original post to take this line out. Why? Are you trying to somehow not admit that that's the way you feel? I suggest you just be honest about how you do feel.

 

Like the other posters, I would advise you to have a real self-talk and figure out why you get jealous. I think most often that jealousy is about fear of loss. Sometimes it is about a need to control someone else in order to gain self-esteem, or not lose it. Sometimes it's actually about competing with your spouse or feeling like they are more attractive to others than you are. I know that sounds harsh, but jealousy is an ugly emotion. You might start by asking yourself what flavor of negative feelings you're experiencing, that you're calling jealousy. Are you feeling territorial, like someone else is doing something with your husband only you have the "right" to do?

 

Or perhaps do you feel left behind, inadequate? Like perhaps that the swinging or his playing with others is pulling you apart?

 

Or do you have fear that he will like something his playmate does better than you?

 

I think once you answer some of these questions for yourself honestly, you can start to grow and develop. Swinging may never be right for you, but at least your communication and self-knowledge will improve.

 

I hope you post to this thread again.

[Cajun2Step 65]

We see the situation as others do. We feel you should not be in the lifestyle until you both work out your issues.

[sexcupid 809]

Have you or him played in a situation like this before...where it is not during a swing party...but basically a booty call coming over to your home and the other one has to find something else to do (in this case leave the house with the child)?

 

You said he had previously played with this lady at a party, but that you didn't like her hubby when you played with him...could that be coloring your feelings about the situation? I ask this because sometimes that happens to me...doesn't matter how much someone wants to play, if you or your partner have done something disrespectful, I will not want to play or have my SO playing with you no matter how badly you want to do it. On the flip side since a lot of couples want to play together, if I had no interest in playing with the guy again, I would be reluctant to let my SO play with her alone because I wouldn't want to feel obligated towards the other couple or have unfulfilled expectations from them...a tit for tat kind of scenario.

 

Honestly, I don't really see anything wrong with you wanting to keep yourself "occupied" at the same time he is "occupied" with someone else at a party because everyone has different ways of dealing with swinging.

 

How did you and your husband get into the lifestyle? What prompted the introduction of the topic? It would be helpful to reflect on your emotions/reactions to try to get to the root cause.

 

Welcome to the board! Check out the archives or do a search for jealousy to see what comes up, some might be relevant to what you are going though right now.

[ViSexual 1,008]

My wife felt about the same way you seem to when we were in the lifestyle years ago. She never wanted to see me even flirting with the other wives, much less having sex.

 

Now I loved watching her with the other men and never had any negative feelings. She always seemed (and she's not that good an actor so I think it was real) to really enjoy herself during but always felt badly the day after.

 

We even tried separate room swapping but she still had difficulty handling the afters.

 

So, we decided that this was just one activity that one of us loved that the other could't handle.

 

In more recent years she did decide to give it, or at least a mitigated version of swinging, another try and we found a couple that we both really liked the wife. During the flirting process my wife didn't have the same bad feelings about my flirting and even exchanging provacotive emails and photos with the lady and she seemed to enjoy doing the same with the husband. But, when we met in person my wife didn't like the husband at all. I don't blame her because I didn't either. If he'd been as nice and considerate as his wife I think my wife and I would have found what we'd been searching for. Too bad because the wife was exactly what my wife was confortable with and I found her sexy as can be.

 

OK, now to where I'm going..., I think that it might help if you like, trust, and befriend the female your husband will be with beforehand. And, always have yourself occupied with a man you find hot while your husband is with that lady.

[somethingwild 15]

When I said things we lack I ment in the bedroom. I didn't edit this post in anyway, wasnt able too.I was a new member! I see what you say, but this was the first time he was alone with someone. I just don't know if in time the feelings will get better.

[LFM2 1,482]

I just don't know if in time the feelings will get better.

 

Then stop it in it tracks, now. Fix what's lacking in your relationship first and then you can always try again. That should be your priority at this time. Communicate feelings honestly. Respect the other for their opinions and feelings.

 

I do want you to remember something: Only about 1% of the population are successful swingers.

 

Jealousy is one of those emotions that is hard to get over. Like others have said, you can look back and reflect on what gives birth to the green monster and why jealousy creeps in.

 

It's been our experience that swinging will only magnify the problems you have in your marriage. It can tear relationships apart if both parties aren't on the same page.

 

Good Luck.

[sweet_tna 680]

I do love to swing because it makes up for things we lack and makes me know what I have.

 

What is it you feel you lack? I ask this because swinging amplifies your relationship. If your relationship and communication are solid, and you're happy with each other, it'll show. But if your relationship isn't very strong, those weaknesses are all the more obvious. That said, the main point of swinging is to enjoy a little variety.

 

Have you told your husband how you feel? Asking how he deals with you playing with other men doesn't necessarily mean he understands how you're feeling. And a "don't ask, don't tell" policy is really not a good idea for dealing with jealousy.

 

I recommend you sit down and talk with your husband about your feelings, and see if you can figure out the root of your jealous feelings. Until you get it sorted through, it would be a good idea to put swinging on hold.

 

I hope you're able to figure out what works for you.

 

=)

[two4youinswva 3,068]

I do love to swing because it makes up for things we lack and makes me know what I have.

 

This may be a red flag, but isn't necessarily a black flag. Covering general statements with a blanket red flag can confuse and mislead folks. It just depends on what it is you're making up for as to whether or not it is truly a bad sign.

 

Example: Mrs two4you occasionally enjoys to be somewhat dominated in bed by an aggressive man she is comfortable with. Now, this is something that I can't do. It's not in my disposition, and if I try to do it, I feel like a big goof. Now, there is one couple where the male half is really good at this, so they have fun with it. I'm very cool with it, as it fulfills a need of hers that isn't easily filled at home.

You could say this is a red flag because she's making up for something she doesn't get at home. You'd be wrong, but still, you could say it.

 

Now, on the other hand, if your sex life at home sucks, your emotional attachment sucks, and you feel "something" (not a specific thing) is missing, and you're trying to replace it with swinging, then yeah, that would be a problem.

 

I think you need to investigate with your husband why you get so jealous. Whether or not you continue swinging (which would be best to put on hold for now), it would be good to understand what triggers this feeling, and help you work through it. You may never get over your jealousy, but at least you'll understand where it's coming from.

 

Best of luck to both of you.

[Alura 2,773]

I'm just a hick Okie, Something Wild, and I don't know exactly what may be wrong with your relationship, but I'd like to share something I've often shared on this board.

 

Mrs. Alura and I agreed on several things, that we'd always be together, that we'd never become angry because a question was asked, and that we would always answer as clearly and honestly as we could.

 

After that agreement we talked about sex a lot. Both of us were loathe give up the special thrill that goes with sex with somebody different. That led to swapping spouses, a great sex life, and thirty fabulous years in love together.

 

As most have advised, improve your communication first. It will make the road much smoother.

 

Alura

[Chicup 41]

Hi guys!

My hubby and I have been swinging for around a year. I've enjoyed it, but I can't stand when is sleeping with another person, let alone watch. I always make sure I am busy when he's having fun with the ladies at the parties.We made it so we can play alone with permission. He never has had any luck with having ladies comming to our home until recent, he had a lady over, who he played with at my birthday bash. I've played with her man but found he was disrespectful and nasty. He asked me to have her over while I took my kid out.The whole time I wasn't happy and all I can think about is them screwing. I came home and was enraged with jelousy and anger. He is fine with me being with men and I am not sure how he deals with it. I've asked him and he says I just do. I want you to be happy. I asked him for a no ask no tell policy to help me get over it, but he said he would be cheating. So what do you do in this type of situation? I do love to swing because it makes up for things we lack and makes me know what I have.

 

Firstly you don't love swinging, you love extramarital sex. If your partner having sex really bothers you, then you don't love swinging.

 

Yes some jealousy like this can be normal because it was for me. Overcoming it was a great feeling. Personally I think its WORSE when you do it apart because the imagination is worse than reality at times, plus you are no longer a 'together' thing but a 'him' thing.

 

Stick together, find your comfort level, and go from there.

[Miss Sunshine 29]

don't swing apart , have same room sex, no sleepovers unless everyone is all in one room and or one bed.

[ClosetSwinger 112]

I agree for the most part with the statement "don't swing to fulfill something your relationship is lacking". Part of the excitement of swinging is the experience of being with someone new. This is something my hubby can't give me because...well...we've been together 800 years...okay 12 years ;-). He can't do certain things to me....because I am his wife and he LOVES ME. That being said IF YOU ARE TRYING TO FILL a void in the EMOTIONAL aspect of your marriage then NO WAY.....you should NOT SWING. If you are not confident in your relationship then things will fall apart around you.

 

That being said, if you are having jealousy issues to the extent that you described then I think you need to take a step back and analyze why. Everyone gets a twinge sometimes and in the beginning it's harder. If you are even having issues when your hubby plays and you don't even watch it, then you need to work on this and figure out why before you continue down this road. I think if you just keep going the way you are, it will only make matters worse.

[VegasLee 1,486]

Firstly you don't love swinging, you love extramarital sex. If your partner having sex really bothers you, then you don't love swinging.

 

 

Best statement made yet and hope the OP takes it to heart.

 

Good job Chicup!

[sexcupid 809]

In the OP's defense...she did state this is the very first time he had played alone, in their home, while she went to run errands with a child.

 

Honestly, the first and only time my SO has ever went to play solo (not playing solo at a party we were both attending) I was a mess and probably had some of those same feelings as the OP. I hung out at school for a while, had dinner by myself, and went to see a movie (that I had an awful time trying to recall exactly what I watched after it was over).

 

I'm just going to toss this out there...and I've noticed this in other areas of life...its awfully easy to forget what its like to be a novice at something and the frustrations that come with it. Sometimes people do things that stretch or trample on their comfort levels to try to expand those horizons...sometimes it works well...other times not so much.

 

To the OP: have you ever had an alone playtime in the same manner?

[lustylearning 705]

When I said things we lack I ment in the bedroom. I didn't edit this post in anyway, wasnt able too.I was a new member! I see what you say, but this was the first time he was alone with someone. I just don't know if in time the feelings will get better.

 

Gosh. I hate to ask such a personal question, but how do you lack in the bedroom? I ask because if one of you doesn't feel like you get enough, in terms of frequency, and that lack feels like "not enough love or intimacy" from your partner, swinging will cause you endless questioning and headaches. Jealousy is sure to rear its head because one of you will constantly be wondering, why does my partner give it up for him/her but not me?

[somethingwild 15]

Thanks to all the advice, I found some of it to be blunt and I thank you for it. I agree with cupid. It was the first and only time he was home alone with someone. My feelings just exploded. I talked it over with him last night. We came to this idea. Now if that same lady came here again, I am sure I would feel more comfortable about it. So I told him that he should work on finding something more stable.I don't like the parties very much, and I have more fun when I play alone with them. The more we go to parties, the more comfortable I get. We have only gone to a few. I am in no way trying to fill an emotional void, just a sexual void. There is some things he can't do, and things I can't do for him. I want him to enjoy the sex and varitiy. I have found that swining makes a stronger couple and closer to each other. There is nothing I can't tell him!

[Alura 2,773]

Y'all are going to be just fine, Mrs. Somethingwild! Keep on keepin' on...

 

Alura