My wife and I differ on a couple things...any recommendations?

[Guest jmcandjmc4fun]

Hello, my wife and I are new to this, and we have discussed it many times, our main thought is having a threesome with another male, only female on male, no male on male.

 

My question is this, we are both madly in love with each other we have been together for 10 years, married for 9. I am basically looking for guidance about where to begin. I am currently deployed and cannot do anything right know, but am planning on doing something upon my return to the states.

 

My wife and I differ on a couple of things. She believes that we should have a completely open marriage but she is not willing to share me, no big deal. I think that I have that part taken care off.

 

What I would like to know is what are some of the steps that we should take in setting our rules and our guidelines? And what are some things that we should do to start out? Where do we start I guess is another question?

 

Does anyone have any recommendations?

[exploringRM 305]

My wife and i differ on a couple of things, she believes that we should have a completely open marriage but she is not willing to share me, no big deal. I think that i have that part taken care off.

 

Thanx Jmc77

 

I know you asked where to start, but I wanted to respond to it in a different way.

 

1) How can you have a completely open marriage but she won't share you? Does that mean you can't be involved in an MFM? Can't be with another woman? Does not sound completely open.

 

2) What do you mean when you say you have that part taken care of? Already something on the side? Sorry if that's presumtuous but that's where my mind went...presuming!

 

Before you go further you need talk and find out exactly what each of you want and what the boundaries are. And if she wants to play and does not allow you to; that sounds like a recipe for issues.

[prometheius 137]

When the OP said "I think that i have that part taken care off.", I took it to mean that he was willing to comply with his wife’s wishes.

 

AS to where to get started, I think you should put the brakes on everything until you return from deployment. Having an open marriage means you can both play although, this is not necessarily swinging. If only one of the two of you is allowed to play, this is definitely not swinging. Think long and hard about this, if you are not careful about how you proceed, you may be receiving a Dear John letter before you know it.

[mikeandjenn2001 77]

AS to where to get started, I think you should put the brakes on everything until you return from deployment.

 

That is a very good idea. When I deployed, I gave Jen permission to play with some friends of ours, but it was mainly because we had been friends with them for a really long time.

 

I'm not sure of which branch you're in, but either way, the military doesn't look at adultery very kindly. I just say adultery, because it doesn't matter if you have permission or not, that is how the military will look at it if you get caught playing while you're deployed...just one of the reasons I don't do anything while deployed, even though I have permission.

 

Well, that, and I'm a firm believer in the "don't shit where you eat" concept which is why we've never played with anybody who may be remotely connected to the base.

[DigginIt 1,132]

Hello, my wife and i are new to this, and we have discussed it many times, our main thought is having a threesome with another male, only female on male no male on male, my question is this, we are both madly in love with each other we have been together for 10 years, married for 9. I am bassically looking for guidance about were to begin, i am currently deployed and cannot do anything right know, but am planning on doing something upon my return to the states. My wife and i differ on a couple of things, she believes that we should have a completely open marriage but she is not willing to share me, no big deal. I think that i have that part taken care off. What i would like to know, is what are some of the steps that we should take in setting our rules and our guidlines, and what are some things that we should do to start out, were do we start i guess is another question. Does anyone have any recomendations?

 

Thanx Jmc77

 

Okay, being presumptuous also and speaking as a former soldier myself it gives me mixed signals. It could just be the way you posted it but the fact that she wants an open marriage translates to me as "I love you but get bored as hell when you are gone and want to play," which is okay if agreed upon up front but not after the fact...keep that in mind.

 

If you can handle her playing when you are not allowed to then that is something that is between the two of you. There are lots of people here on the boards that choose not to play while they let their spouses play but to actually be one sided where one dictates that the other can't play leaves the future open for potential arguments and resentment. Swinging is highly addictive IMO and it can easily get out of control where the desire to swing with others instead of you is always a potential concern. You have love and intimacy but lust makes you do crazy things. It depends on how strong your relationship is, how well you communicate, etc.

 

Where to begin, you can have all the rules you want but you need trust first and foremost. What do the two of you visualize swinging to be for the two of you and better yet, what do the two of you expect it to bring to your relationship. If it's simply she is bored and wants to be promiscuous while you are gone then I don't think you are a good candidate for this lifestyle. The threesome is great bedtime fantasy but there are people that can handle swinging and those that can't and you won't know which category you fit in until you try.

 

The last thing you want being in the military is to be gone for 13 months and you get home and your wife has moved out but didn't have a problem spending your paycheck while you were away. (yes, know many soldiers this has happened too, they were not swingers but fall into the bored and "cats away, mice will play" group). Just know the whys before you take these steps.

 

Last but not least, I don't know you, your wife, your relationship. I'm just stating what I think with just a little bit of the story shared, tell us more, I would love to give great, warm and fuzzy advice but just can't with the little that I heard.

 

Good luck and welcome to the boards.

[Chicup 41]

Hello, my wife and i are new to this, and we have discussed it many times, our main thought is having a threesome with another male, only female on male no male on male, my question is this, we are both madly in love with each other we have been together for 10 years, married for 9. I am bassically looking for guidance about were to begin, i am currently deployed and cannot do anything right know, but am planning on doing something upon my return to the states. My wife and i differ on a couple of things, she believes that we should have a completely open marriage but she is not willing to share me, no big deal. I think that i have that part taken care off. What i would like to know, is what are some of the steps that we should take in setting our rules and our guidlines, and what are some things that we should do to start out, were do we start i guess is another question. Does anyone have any recomendations?

 

Thanx Jmc77

 

Yea, my recommendation, unless you have a cuckhold fetish, don't do it.

 

My wife and i differ on a couple of things, she believes that we should have a completely open marriage but she is not willing to share me, no big deal. I think that i have that part taken care off.

 

I think either you need to clarify what 'completely open is' or she doesn't quite understand what that word means.

 

To me this reads, she wants to fuck anyone she wants but you can't.

 

So..yea. Good luck.

[lotsoffun201 175]

I'm really sorry, but this has BAD written all over it. Since you are deployed I don't think there is much you can do right now except focus, be safe and do your job. When you get back it's time to set the rules straight and think about what YOU really want.

 

Thank you for your service to our country!

[Guest jmcandjmc4fun]

WOW well deffinetly very good advice, I dont quite no where to begin. I guess with the I think that i have that part covered. Well I say that because my wife inadvertenly talked to a gentleman about a 3 weeks ago and based of off our conversations about swinging, she brought it to my attention that she was interested in doing things with this gentleman. Know she did bring this up before anything was done, to ask for my permission, my wife is faithful of this i have no dought, she will not cheat, but she was interested and wanted to know if i would give her permission. I explained to her that I was not willing to give her permission because I dont want a completely open marriage as in you can do what you want with out me around type deal. My understanding of swinging is were both partners are present and i understand that MFM is not completely swinging persay but my wife has also expressed and interest in doing things with females so a MFFM situation would be possible. Now this is our first deployment so you can imagine how her emotions have been going, and no we are not a young couple I am 33 and she is 36, i just joined the military at an older age. But anyway we had previously discussed us swinging months prior to me leaving and I had even created an account on Adult Friend Finder, but at the time we had decided that we would not pursue anything until we were both completely comfortable with it, she didnt want to see anything come between our marriage. She does not want me to play with other females as of right know, the thought disturbes her, but I am willing to have her play with other men in a MFM capacity as long as I am present and can pertisipate. I also explained to her that if she wanted to pursue this that we could upon my return stateside. I know that many would say that she is not going to stay faithful but I trust her, if she wanted to cheat she would have already done it, and she knows that the outcome would not be good, we have children and she knows that it would not be good for them. So she asked for permission. I hope this helps with some of the questions some of you were asking.

[lovinher 505]

Obviously that would not be a "completely open marriage". This has a funny smell to it and I think you should stop the idea while your deployed. Talk about it, sure. But wait until you are back home before acting on anything.

 

This kind of hit home with me because I recently ended up spending a night waiting for a ferry to take me home with a guy who thought they were "madly in love". He came home after being deployed for three years and found the locks changed and his wife living with another guy. This was a young Navy guy who opened up to me and kept me company until the ferry came. His story sounded very much like yours.

 

BTW-thank you for serving our country.

[LFM2 1,482]

I really don't know squat about an open marriage, but, my spidey senses are spotting a train wreck ahead. You both have to be completely onboard to have an open marriage work, I do believe. If one of you isn't into it, I don't believe it would work like you want.

 

I'm really glad she asked for permission. Even though you said no, I just think it's safer that way. If you don't know the gent, and he started getting a little rough on her, it would be to her benefit to have you there.

 

Thank you for your service to our Great Country and I really hope all goes well when you come back. Just a FYI... Playing with girls is a lot of fun...

 

Holly

[socolais 696]

Welcome to the board and I also thank you for your military service. I'm retired military and I know the burden of dangerous deployments and remote assignments.

 

I read your two posts and I see a complete lack of any reasonable indicators that your relationship would benefit from the open arrangement you describe. I wonder why you two are interested in opening your sexual boundaries. And I wonder how you both feel about the true fairness your rules. How will you know if swinging or your open relationship is successful?

 

 

You asked for recommendations. I recommend you encourage your wife to join the discussions in this forum. I also recommend you two do a lot more talking about this before either of you take any action on it.

[Guest jmcandjmc4fun]

Well Socolais, i dont know how to put this any other way but my wife loves cock and one of her fantasies is to have multiple men, and one of mine is to see her do this. We do have a healthy sex life now but we want more and we want to branch out and try new things. I think that we like everyone has said just need to sit down and make sure that we are on the same sheet of music.

[psycdr 64]

If I can add my two cents... I am very very new to this as well, but what this forum has taught me is that you both have to be completely honest with one another, and when I say that, I mean an honesty that transcends your current definition and experience of honesty. If you can get there it will bring your relationship with your wife to a completely new level.

 

Now having said that I would ask why does your wife not want you playing with another partner, hearing that makes me think there is some type of jealousy going on (or something else, maybe it brings back a bad memory/experience for her) and this can have a negative impact on your relationship. I would highly recommend exploring why she feels this way and, again, you two must be completely honest with one-another as well as non-judgmental. Acknowledge how she feels and see if you can take baby steps towards you having a partner.

 

I can tell you from personal experience that when my wife and I started looking into this lifestyle, I had no intention of having a partner for myself and my wife was not arguing that point (essentially she would have allowed it if I wanted to, but she wasn't too excited about the idea). Well that has changed, my wife has shown an interest in me being with another female and I must admit I am turned on by the idea myself. As soon as you cross that threshold and enter the lifestyle, what you think you want now will drastically change...

 

I hope my thoughts have helped you, if you have any questions you want to ask me please feel free to send me a private message or post it here.

 

Additionally, I want to thank you for what you are doing for this country, please keep yourself and our other troops safe.

[ViSexual 1,008]

JMC,

 

First of all are you and your wife's innitials the same? Cool!

 

OK, I've been married almost 39 years and I know my wife by now. And, she's the same way you've indicated that your wife is. She enjoyed our swinging activities except for the part of me being with other women. It wasn't jealousy because she knows me and knows I ain't gonna leave her for no other gal, no matter what! It's just that she didn't like seeing me with other women.

 

But, like you think you'll be, I enjoyed watching her with other men about as much as having sex myself. It just lets me see that vixen in her that I love! She's normally so conservative and self-restrictive and it's just such a turn-on when she's not!

 

I do agree with everyone that it's not a good idea for her to start with you gone though. Maybe on future deployments, but not this first one. You two need to have some experiences, develop a comfort zone, and let some rules and limits be established while you're together.

 

I had a friend back when I was in Combat Control that was deployed several times over the years. He and his wife got divorced just before each deployment and then re-married when he returned. And, it was because neither wanted to be restricted to no sex for a year. I remember jokingly telling him that he was creating way too many anniversaries for her to receive gifts for!

 

And, his wife was really hot too but one of their 'divorce decrees' each time was a 'nobody the other knew' rule. Too bad because, like I said, she sure was hot and I was single at the time.

 

OK, hope I've helped and you take care of yourself over there!

[padoc 1,703]

It ain't open unless its open for both of you!

[Guest jmcandjmc4fun]

That is one thing that i have thought about why is it that she feels that way. And hopefully when i return i know that i want to pursue this lifestyle and i know that she does aswell, but we just have to set rules, so that nothing comes between us. To me one of the things that appeals to me is the fact that so many couples that i have heard, read, and talked to who swing say that their marriage's couldnt be better, but you have to start with rules and let things progress from there. I greatly appreciate everyone's comments, it has deffinetly helpped out alot.

[bi4me2 93]

To me one of the things that appeals to me is the fact that so many couples that i have heard, read, and talked to who swing say that their marriage's couldnt be better, but you have to start with rules and let things progress from there.

 

(him)

 

Don't take that 'couldn't be better as "swinging made our marriage wonderful" because that is not what most people would tell you.

 

Some thoughts, if I may:

 

First the marriage has to be strong and the honesty must be 100%

 

Secondly, jumping into anything without first talking (and I do mean more than once) about what each of you expect, want and don't want is absolutely vital.

 

Third, rules that stop one from doing what the other can do will almost always eventually create a problem. This "I can do this but you cant", no matter how you may feel right now, will more than likely create hard feelings over time.

 

Last but not least, this is not something you two can work out while you are on deployment. This is something that requires face to face open and honest communication and lots of it.

 

Hope that helps and thanks for your service