Not sure why it was uncomfortable, too much too soon?

[ransa 16]

We are fairly new to the lifestyle. I am more comfortable with a couple for a couple. Wifey likes a large party where there are more people to play with. That being said we have only been to 2 clubs a house party and a couple MFM's, 2 soft swaps, no full swap for me yet. So as I said pretty new to this.

 

We went to a house party last week. I will say the hosts were really relaxed and tried as best they could to make sure we were comfortable and enjoying ourselves. Initially I was having a good time but as the night progressed I became a little uncomfortable and I am not sure why. There should have been 2 other new couples going as they were listed as attending. They never showed. Which meant there were 3 couples (including us) and a single male. From the get go, 2 of the guys were into my wife (nothing wrong with that, she likes the attnetion). After a drink or so it was suggested we all move to the living room where a video was playing. I sat with one of the wives and another guy. While my wife sat with 2 of the guys and another chick, the chick was blowing one of the guys while they both played with m wife. Everyone played for a bit, I made an effort but it was a bit distracting. But trying to go with the flow we soon all go upstairs. At some point there was some non verbal communication between the 2 guys playing with my wife. They have obviously partied alot together. The one getting the BJ escorted my wife to the bedroom, while the other guy had sex with the chick that was doing the BJ downstairs. We got upstairs and I was sorta odd man out. 4 guys, 3 girls. I and another guy were playing with the one wife while her hubby played with mine but it was just too many guys for me, I just drank my beer and was a voyeur while everyone else got busy. Maybe the whole group sex thing is too much to quick.

 

We all went downstairs and waited an hour or so having drinks waiting to see if any of the other couples were going to show up. Another regular did show up but the it did not do it for me.

 

Eventually everyone headed to the pool. Wifey did not want to get in and was hanging out by the edge. The other guy approached her from the water and asked if he could go down on her. She was fine with that. A few min go by and the one wife comes over to me but by now I was just not enjoying myself anymore. The initial attraction was gone. I went in to dry off. After a little while the guy going down on my wife asks if he can have sex with her, she says yes but wants to check with me. She goes inside to dry off and hits the restroom. When she comes out the 2 guys are waiting for her. They ask if we are leaving, she says no and they say good, “WE are happy you are staying” (wife told me this part today). The one guys wife was still trying to get me interested but I was just ready to go. I am guessing the 2 guys were trying to get my wife upstairs, (the WE part) to themselves while I was downstairs with the other wife. I will say my wife would have gone up with them, she was having alot more fun than I and as I said before loves the attention. (I could be totally off here and they just were happy to have some new people show up instead of the same ol same ol). She came out to check with me and I told her I was ready to split. We left, calling it a night.

 

We are new to this and assume there is nothing here out of the ordinary going on for a house party, again the hosts were doing their best to make sure we were having a good time and comfortable. But being short a female just did not do it for me. Being short on females I was attracted to did not do it for me. And the 2 guys both possibly planning on taking wifey upstairs makes me uncomfortable, as well as them maybe being too good at this. I did not get the feeling we all would have gone up stairs. This is not to say I think they were up to no good but I was just uncomfortable. Sorry for being so longwinded, but being new to this something just does not feel right, maybe I am completly off here, which is why I am hoping for some insight into why I am feeling "off" about the whole thing.

[mikeandjenn2001 77]

First off, welcome to the board.

 

It does sound like it may have been a bit too much to start off with. The main thing is all about being comfortable. To me, it sort of sounds like the guys were trying to drag your wife away, which is fine , but within reason. For us, if we go to a house party, club, etc. where we don't know anybody, we tend to stay fairly close to each other until we get a feel for the crowd and atmosphere.

 

It's not because we're not comfortable, it's because we've had some bad experiences in the past (both of us) with being drug off and we have gotten pretty good about reading each other's body language.

 

There is one thing that Jen and I have learned is to go with your gut feeling. If something doesn't feel right and you are uncomfortable, you should communicate and listen to that feeling.

 

Here's an example if you don't mind. Jen and I were invited to a beach party one night. I took off from work, and we invited some friends to go with us. When we got to the beach party, we found that nothing had gone right with the setup...no fire rings for the fire...the spot wasn't really as secluded as the hosts thought it would be...just various other problems. We ended up leaving and going back to our friend's house where we had an even better time . The next day, we found out that the people at the beach had been cited for having a fire outside the firepit, drinking in public, various other offenses.

 

Listen to your gut, or listen to your spouse's gut. I think that's the only real advice I could ever give anybody. Sure, it may be wrong from time to time and you'll hear about what a great party you missed, but for the most part, it's always right.

[funcoupledayton 2,708]

Good advice from MikeandJenn.

 

I would try not to over-analyze it. Just chalk it up as another experience and know that you did the right thing going home when you did. Keep talking with your wife about what was hot and what wasn't.

 

We prefer meeting people one on one rather than in a group setting. Maybe you would feel more comfortable with that also?

 

Have fun!

[Cajun2Step 65]

I would try not to over-analyze it. Just chalk it up as another experience and know that you did the right thing going home when you did. Keep talking with your wife about what was hot and what wasn't.

 

We prefer meeting people one on one rather than in a group setting. Maybe you would feel more comfortable with that also? Have fun!

 

Excellent advice to not over-analyze it. Chalk it up as a learning experience.

We went to a "house party" a year or so back that was a bad experience also.

 

The couple we went with were part owners in this "house party club". Our play with them was fine. It goes down hill from there. The other co-owner kept butting in and being pushy about when was it going to be his time to fuck Lady C2S. He was politely told not now or ever as she was totally turned off by him. We were the only couple that showed up other than the co-owner couple we were invited to attend with. Later in the evening three single men showed up and were asked to pay to enter the party. The fee was $35 each. They were told there was a hot blonde inside they would all get to have their turn with. Guess who was the hot blonde. As we hear the pay at the door conversation, we both decided it was time to get the heck out of there. No body is going to pimp Lady C2S. She plays with her choice of playmates and it sure as hell isn't for pay. We should have trusted our guts that said to leave when the lone slime-ball owner kept wanting to know when it was his turn.

 

As it turned out we were okay....but be sure you trust your instincts.

Also, either of you should have the right to VETO any activity you are uncomfortable with no matter how much the other is into it.

[exploringRM 305]

My experience is that every party is different. Sometimes you have alot of opportunity, other times you don't.

 

One thought is that you can avoid parties where single males are present, though your wife may not be happy with that. I think you also need to talk to your wife that her progress was making you uncomfortable. It's a fine line there though as if you did happen to find a woman you were more attracted to you might have been fine with your wife's activities.

[Lascivious L&L 866]

It's important to never go along if you don't feel perfectly comfortable. Just because the others have been there and are ready to go is no reason for you to be hurried. They are there to accomodate your newness, not you to accomodate their ready to go. If a pair of males wants your wife, they better include you or they simply aren't playing nice. If they behave as sharks, treat them as sharks and give them a clear bump down. Parties and clubs where men behave like that to newbies are the pits and should be avoided.

 

If you are feeling down and can't get yourself into the spirit of the play, it is time to get out of there. This is one thing that should be discussed before playing at parties and clubs. There are those who are jaded or uncaring enough to not understand when others are not in play space; they are to be avoided. There is nothing you should go along with when you're not in the mood.

 

It is fun, though, to watch my wife have fun. Sometimes just watching can get me back in the mood. But if it doesn't, no means no even in the middle of play. And when you feel it's time to leave, leave.

[it'sso 198]

When we were still active, we always made it a point to be close by each other just in case somebody didn't understand the word "NO". It would surprise you how many fail to get that two letter word into their vernacular.

[Rivertour 51]

Way to take one for the team. She was having fun, that alone should be worthwhile for you. When momma is happy, everyone is happy...lol...

 

I don't mean to make light of the situation, but personally it makes me feel great when others find my wife attractive.

 

You did the right thing by being a voyeur. I would have made sure I stayed very close to my bride. Close enough watch her enjoy herself and close enough should she get uncomfortable, I'd be there.

 

Best thing I could suggest, is that rules should be discussed ahead of time and after go over them and modify as necessary. She may offer insight to your own feelings that may may it easier next time something like that happens.

 

Kudo's to both of you. Her for leaving when you wanted and you for not making a scene allowing her to enjoy herself.

[ransa 16]

Thank you all for taking the time to read my post. All of what everyone said makes sense. Wifey and I talked about it and she says she felt comfortable the whole time, that if I had had someone to play with I would have not been as uncomfortable as was mentioned in one of the replys. Its funny that I am the one that wanted to get into the lifestyle and wifey is the one that has turned out to be the one more comfortable in it!!!! The hosts were considerate, guess its just me that had the mind blown!!! thanks again and looking forward to more adventures!!!

[ransa 16]

The more I read other posts about the lifestyle the more I see that this is really all on me. The hosts asked if we were comfortable, we both said yes. They were very respectful to my wife and myself. I probably over analyzed it as well. Its only after the fact I had "issues". I also read something along the order of the "hubby drags the wife into the lifestyle and then has to drag her out". I can now very much understand that phrase. My idea, but she is having way more fun than she thought she would and is the one on most of the occasions that got the party started. This forum is very helpful with alot of sound advise as well as very good responses from all of you.

[ransa 16]

part of a older post from

 

Women's Experiences in the Swingers Lifestyle

 

"What usually ended up happening was the woman would get right into it, rather quickly, which in many cases shook up the male partner. Once he got over his initial shock (and had his ego and confidence stroked by his wife) things would get smoother. But, it always seemed that the woman was the partner driving their journey through the Lifestyle."

 

this rings very true.......sorry to be responding to my own post but alot of the "issues" I was/am having seem to be par for course when getting into this. Once i read it though the bell goes off and can move on.

 

We are going to be going to other partys and I want to be a little more prepared as the wife likes the variety and now I know what to expect and where I need to be (making sure she is safe as was pointed out).

[RDfnd 180]

If you can, check out a book, The Lifestyle: A Look at the Erotic Rites of Swingers. Especially the chapter, Rules. It seems to be a very good explanation of how men seem to initiate and women seem to perpetuate in the lifestyle.

[DigginIt 1,132]

Something I didn't see anyone comment on unless I missed it stems around the fact that you two were the only new couple. You said that others had signed up but didn't show.

 

EVERYONE I think likes new people. Obviously this sounded like a tight group that plays frequently together and you two were the highlights of the night. Had the other new couples showed up things might not of been as bad.

 

If you ever feel uncomfortable for any reason you should not feel bad about stopping play. You took it very well.

 

There are many couples I have seen that only separate during play and then they come right back together. It almost sounded that you two were separated to the extent that you felt more like a single male than a married couple and that seemed to bother you the most. You never said it, I just felt it through the post.

 

It sounds like you two are communicating and that is the most important thing in this lifestyle.

 

Good luck to you both.

[JM153 346]

As you find your way through the Lifestyle you may find you do best when you are in separate rooms or you may do best when you play in the same room. And it may vary from one time to another. Just do what the two of you feel most comfortable with. As to your comment about the two guys wanting to take your wife upstairs - first, your wife did the right thing by checking with you, second, you did not need to be invited to go upstairs with them - just go, unless your wife was opposed to you being present. Before the next party perhaps you and your wife can go over the ground rules as to how you are going to play.

[ransa 16]

Ordered the book, found parts of it online and seems like it will be informative. Met up with another couple over the weekend, they knew of the party but did not go and said we were with a tight groug, one of the wilder crowds that likes to party so explains that whole thing. It was just too much too soon for me. Also I was a single male for part of the time. Does not bother me with the MFM thing but at the party was not real fun. By the time it came for me to play just lost interest. We are definatly communicating alot more now, wife was fine with how things went at the party and with us leaving. So no problem there, with me wanting to leave. Wifey definatly wants me in the room with her just to make sure everything is OK, that has been discussed. An interesting adventure for sure.

[naughtyus74 16]

My only advice would be to communicate what you are feeling to your wife. Maybe just taking a minute to touch base would have put you at ease. At the end of it all the two of you are the most important thing. It's easier to kick a pebble out of your way and enjoy your time than it is to wait till you have a boulder to move.

[ransa 16]

Thanks for the reply, this is a pretty active forum. We were communicating through out the night, at least as far as I am concerned. The couple we met over the weekend did not do it for me, so we called up a boytoy for the wife. A mfm does not bother me and is fun, so why is it that her doing 2 or 3 other dudes freaks me out? We will be going to other parties and she has expressed a interest in multiple partners, so I will need to deal with this. What's the difference between 1 or 4 at this point but it is for me.

[JM153 346]

One reason an MFM may be preferable to you is your involvement. It may be easier for you to insert yourself:EG: when there is only one other male. When there are 3 or 4 you may feel like the 5th wheel:blush: If I were you and I found myself where there were multiple partners and I was reluctant to get involved I would force myself to at least hold her hand, if not more. I would also be monitoring her, so that I enforced her wishes.

[DigginIt 1,132]

Thanks for the reply, this is a pretty active forum. We were communicating through out the night, at least as far as I am concerned. The couple we met over the weekend did not do it for me, so we called up a boytoy for the wife. A mfm does not bother me and is fun, so why is it that her doing 2 or 3 other dudes freaks me out? We will be going to other parties and she has expressed a interest in multiple partners, so I will need to deal with this. What's the difference between 1 or 4 at this point but it is for me.

 

Everyone enjoys swinging to various degrees and it definitely sounds like you and your wife have different ideas of what is exciting. It sounds like you are trying to work through it which is very commendable.

 

Here are some ideas of what could be bothering you that I pulled from other threads on the boards:

 

• You don't like the feeling of no control in what is happening.
  
• Little bit of jealousy when your not directly involved.
  
• Thoughts of other men enjoying the attention from your wife.
  

 

None of those may fit or all off them to some degree and there are a lot of other things I could have put in that list...the key thing is that you are talking and I believe the two of you will get it all worked out.

[Swing*8701 887]

susan here-- Communication is always key. And if one of you is not happy, both of you are not happy. You are always a team, even is one is absent. We find that a healthy mindset.

We will see problems if one member of a couple is having a lot more fun than the other. Yet, again, communication is key. If you've inadvertently built a chasm, best to build a bridge is through communication.

[ransa 16]

One reason an MFM may be preferable to you is your involvement. It may be easier for you to insert yourself:EG: when there is only one other male. When there are 3 or 4 you may feel like the 5th wheel:blush: If I were you and I found myself where there were multiple partners and I was reluctant to get involved I would force myself to at least hold her hand, if not more. I would also be monitoring her, so that I enforced her wishes.

 

I think I am the one who needs the hand holding lol!!!!

 

I should have been more clear and meant multiple partners during the party, not all at once, when I mentioned that to wifey, she's like 2 at a time would be good. Too funny. Just need a minute to wrap my mind around it all. Will definatly be makeing sure she is OK.

[ransa 16]

Everyone enjoys swinging to various degrees and it definitely sounds like you and your wife have different ideas of what is exciting. It sounds like you are trying to work through it which is very commendable.

 

Here are some ideas of what could be bothering you that I pulled from other threads on the boards:

 

• You don't like the feeling of no control in what is happening.
  
• Little bit of jealousy when your not directly involved.
  
• Thoughts of other men enjoying the attention from your wife.
  

 

None of those may fit or all off them to some degree and there are a lot of other things I could have put in that list...the key thing is that you are talking and I believe the two of you will get it all worked out.

 

 

Not that none of it is exciting just a little overwhelming!!!!

 

all three points hit the mark at some level.

[ransa 16]

susan here-- Communication is always key. And if one of you is not happy, both of you are not happy. You are always a team, even is one is absent. We find that a healthy mindset.

We will see problems if one member of a couple is having a lot more fun than the other. Yet, again, communication is key. If you've inadvertently built a chasm, best to build a bridge is through communication.

 

thank you, yes were are definatly discussing everything. not losing any sleep over anything, just trying to sort it all out. I am a planner and wife is more of a go with the flow a mfm is easy for me to deal with, multiple partners over an evening is just something I will need to work out at the time and I will be good to go, I want wifey to have fun. She's really enjoying herself and alot happier, she feels sexy, and when she feels sexy and happy she makes me happy in all sorts of ways. So its all good!!!!!!