Wife wants "spontaneous" but I'm considering "arranging" something...

[coquinous 15]

Hi every one, we have been to a couple of swing club, without participating, but we both enjoyed it very much, due to the fact that we are more voyeur than exhibitionist, but we were quite shy. Any how, we have decided that it'd be fun to "mingle" with an other attractive couple, probably just to watch/be watch at first, and who knows afterward. But my wife really wants it to be spontaneous, and I think the club scene might be too intimidating at first, so I was considering "arranging" something with a couple, that would look like a "hazardous" meeting in Vegas, or so, but it sounds very complicated, and risky. Any advise or idea? Thanks

[LikeMinds321 1,527]

 

...so I was considering "arranging" something with a couple, that would look like a "hazardous" meeting in Vegas, or so, but it sounds very complicated, and risky. Any advise or idea? Thanks

"Hazardous"

 

What do you mean, exactly?

 

I'm sorry, but I don't understand what you're considering doing. It would be a big help if you could clarify.

 

 

LM

[slevin 1,374]

"Hazardous"

 

What do you mean, exactly?

 

I'm sorry, but I don't understand what you're considering doing. It would be a big help if you could clarify.

 

 

LM

 

I'll go out on a limb and posit that he might have meant happenstance, but it sure took me a while to wrap my head around that. At least I hope he meant happenstance and not hazardous!

[N&G 207]

At least I hope he meant happenstance and not hazardous!

 

It might be hazardous to him if she finds out that it is a set up.

[LFM2 1,482]

I'm not really sure what you meant by hazardous either, but I'm gonna try my best to answer this as any advice?

 

I do have advice... I just wouldn't do it.

 

I'd be a little angry if Dave decided to set something up behind my back and here are some reasons.

 

• Does he not trust me to make my own decisions? What if the people he picked out for this "spontaneous" romp wasn't anyone I clicked with?
  
• What if this type of arrangement wasn't what I was looking for? What if I wanted an all male or all female thing? What if I just wanted a quiet night with a couple to play with?
  
• What if I wanted to go to a club to meet a couple or a select single?
  

 

Those are just to name a couple of things that would probably make my night not so wonderful. I love spontaneity, and I totally dig it when we go to house parties or hotel parties. I like that we pre-arrange meetings with couples or singles, but I also like having a say in who I play with.

[AZCouple 99]

My wife and I are kind of in the same boat as we like to show off a bit, but haven't made the leap to swapping. We ended up going to a club and just got to meet some wonderful people. Just go and be yourselves. Discuss the ground rules with your wife and try to follow them.

 

Just like everyday life, there will be people that you like and others you may not wish to be around. As you get to know other couples, you will become more comfortable with the scene and the spontaneity will happen.

 

Good luck!

[LikeMinds321 1,527]

I got it!

 

It's so obvious, now.

 

Haphazard

 

LM

[VegasLee 1,486]

While you are arranging things you might want to arrange a pillow on the couch for when you get home.

 

Since she is already agreeing this might be fun if it 'just happens" then why mess with things and get yourself kicked to the curb?

 

Don't be in such a hurry to mess with your life.

 

You have a wife that is willing so let things flow as they should.

 

As my wife has said to many guys, why do you guys always do your best to not get laid by messing with the simple things in life?

 

Us men are our worst enemy most of the time.

[thosetwo76 15]

As a person who really, honestyl hates planning and loves spontinaety.....I would be soooo angry at my husband for doing this! My feelings would be that he was pushing what he wanted on me, that he didn't care about my wants/needs/ comfort level.....oh boy could I go on! I do not think this is a good idea. And have you thought about the feelings of the other couple? I would be angry on that side of the situation as well. Really, are you in that much of a hurry to push everyone into an akward situation. I think "hazardous" was a very good word to describe how that situation would end up if it were me that was involved, in any way.

[T-Rex 148]

Rather than doing something that is bound to blow up on you, since you are in Palm Springs, if you two are okay with nudity, why don't you talk to your wife about spending the day, or evening, at Sea Mountain Inn on a Saturday. If you can't stand the thought of nudity, some of the rest of this is likely n/a.

 

At SMI you can relax, work on your tan, no pressure, in a sexy atmoshere, be a voyeur, meet people or not as you wish, and be as spontaneous as the two of you are ready for. The first day we were there spontaneous meant enjoying the sun, chatting casually with the folks on the next lounge chairs, drinking a few of Dewey's margaritas, and being pleasantly surprised at how sexy things were there.

 

There are lots of threads on the Board discussing honest couple communication. Spontaneous is one thing, surprising your spouse is another. Spontaneous can be good, but most people really don't like surprises they aren't prepared for. Discuss that there is a lot of sex at SMI, but you participate or not at what ever level you wish.

 

There are also lots of threads on this Board discussing taking things slowly. If, as a couple, you are not ready for SMI, then perhaps spend the day at Desert Shadows or one of a dozen other nudist places in Palm Springs where you can dip your toes in a very "pre-lifestyle" experience, for lack of a better term...get a tan, read a book, go out to dinner afterwards and discuss the experience and what to do next.

[Alura 2,775]

My late wife liked spontaneity a lot. She, however, was not loathe to make "spontaneity" happen, if she could.

 

Never bullshit your wife about anything. It will come back to bite you!

 

Alura

[realcplub2 513]

Clarify your ideas...

 

If you are planning a situation where its by surprise, DON'T.

 

I would suggest, talking it out between you both, if you are ready to make the leap from watching to participating and she isnt, and doing what it seems you are suggesting? Well, you might as well call a lawyer now as well.

 

AND to clarify further.. The talk I am suggesting must be about reality NOT her fantasies or Yours.

 

Let me get specific, My Wife has fantasies, a few variations on the same theme abduction, forced sex.. But, bringing those to any form or reality, is way to dangerous. And the horror stories of people that actually DO set this up.. well, its not worth it.

 

Seperate the possible from the likely.. and go from there

[Chicup 42]

Hi every one, we have been to a couple of swing club, without participating, but we both enjoyed it very much, due to the fact that we are more voyeur than exhibitionist, but we were quite shy. Any how, we have decided that it'd be fun to "mingle" with an other attractive couple, probably just to watch/be watch at first, and who knows afterward. But my wife really wants it to be spontaneous, and I think the club scene might be too intimidating at first, so I was considering "arranging" something with a couple, that would look like a "hazardous" meeting in Vegas, or so, but it sounds very complicated, and risky. Any advise or idea? Thanks

 

Ok two things to talk about.

 

First is the spontaneous thing. I think thats pretty common for newbies, especially the women, because that way its not 'dirty' it just happened. Its a way of absolving responsibility to their own guilt over it. Claiming 'heat of the moment' as a cognitive dissonance type of thing, rather than, 'we called them a week ahead of time and I want to give him a BJ so bad'.

 

As for setting it up, thats going to be a catastrophe most likely. Finding a couple ahead of time, willing to play along, is going to really limit you on what kind of couple you are going to find. Good swingers have learned to avoid 'the reluctant wife' type of encounter. So either they are good actors and you 3 set this up, maybe it works, and then your wife finds out and is potentially pissed, OR it just doesn't work out at all, she finds out and is pissed right away.

 

You wife is reluctant to swing for some reason. If that reason is just embarrassment, then you need to get that in the open, but if she just doesn't want to all the set up is going to do is lead to drama.

[thosetwo76 15]

Ok two things to talk about.

 

First is the spontaneous thing. I think thats pretty common for newbies, especially the women, because that way its not 'dirty' it just happened. Its a way of absolving responsibility to their own guilt over it. Claiming 'heat of the moment' as a cognitive dissonance type of thing, rather than, 'we called them a week ahead of time and I want to give him a BJ so bad.

 

LOL!! Is it common for newbie women? Because we think it's dirty and we feel guilty? LOLOLOL! Love the wide generalization there....

 

Althought that could be applied to many situations, just like all generalizations/stereoptypes can be (otherwise no one would think them up), I think it is unfair to make assumptions, especially ones with a negative connotation. At least that's how it came off to me. But then, I felt a little included in that one

 

I, myself do not feel setting things up ahead of time are dirty or wrong, nor do I have guilt, I simply love being spontaneous. Is that possible with our vanilla life or swing life? Rarely. But I can still have a preference for leaving some things to happen as they will.

 

Didn't mean to change the thread here, but I had to pipe up on this...

~Mrs76

[slevin 1,374]

LOL!! Is it common for newbie women? Because we think it's dirty and we feel guilty? LOLOLOL! Love the wide generalization there....

 

Althought that could be applied to many situations, just like all generalizations/stereoptypes can be (otherwise no one would think them up), I think it is unfair to make assumptions, especially ones with a negative connotation. At least that's how it came off to me. But then, I felt a little included in that one

 

I, myself do not feel setting things up ahead of time are dirty or wrong, nor do I have guilt, I simply love being spontaneous. Is that possible with our vanilla life or swing life? Rarely. But I can still have a preference for leaving some things to happen as they will.

 

Didn't mean to change the thread here, but I had to pipe up on this...

~Mrs76

 

There are always exceptions, but I think Chicup is correct. Most often when someone wants to "just let things happen" will be due to wanting to absolve responsibility. It is important to recognize the situation that you are in and be self aware enough to understand what is going on. Either with you, or with your spouse. (those are royal you's btw, not including the specific 'you' in there).

 

Based on the description here, I'd agree with Chicup.

[Chicup 42]

LOL!! Is it common for newbie women? Because we think it's dirty and we feel guilty? LOLOLOL! Love the wide generalization there....

 

Althought that could be applied to many situations, just like all generalizations/stereoptypes can be (otherwise no one would think them up), I think it is unfair to make assumptions, especially ones with a negative connotation. At least that's how it came off to me. But then, I felt a little included in that one

 

I, myself do not feel setting things up ahead of time are dirty or wrong, nor do I have guilt, I simply love being spontaneous. Is that possible with our vanilla life or swing life? Rarely. But I can still have a preference for leaving some things to happen as they will.

 

Didn't mean to change the thread here, but I had to pipe up on this...

~Mrs76

 

A Man and his son were once going with their Donkey to market. As they were walking along by its side a countryman passed them and said: "You fools, what is a Donkey for but to ride upon?"

 

So the Man put the Boy on the Donkey and they went on their way. But soon they passed a group of men, one of whom said: "See that lazy youngster, he lets his father walk while he rides."

 

So the Man ordered his Boy to get off, and got on himself. But they hadn't gone far when they passed two women, one of whom said to the other: "Shame on that lazy lout to let his poor little son trudge along."

 

Well, the Man didn't know what to do, but at last he took his Boy up before him on the Donkey. By this time they had come to the town, and the passers-by began to jeer and point at them. The Man stopped and asked what they were scoffing at. The men said:

 

"Aren't you ashamed of yourself for overloading that poor donkey of yours and your hulking son?"

 

The Man and Boy got off and tried to think what to do. They thought and they thought, till at last they cut down a pole, tied the donkey's feet to it, and raised the pole and the donkey to their shoulders. They went along amid the laughter of all who met them till they came to Market Bridge, when the Donkey, getting one of his feet loose, kicked out and caused the Boy to drop his end of the pole. In the struggle the Donkey fell over the bridge, and his fore-feet being tied together he was drowned.

 

"That will teach you," said an old man who had followed them:

 

Please all, and you will please none

[ALilOEverything 901]

Please all, and you will please none

 

You have NO idea how timely this is. Thank you!

[Swing*8701 887]

Susan here-- I would never do anything in swinging that we both were not fully aware of and in agreement with ahead of time. Has the word 'deception' ever been used in a positive sentence ? Keep it genuine and transparent. See, when you're doing something that is not completely honest, there are one hundred things that can go wrong. If you can think of fifty of them, you're a genius. You're not a genius.