Imperfect and still sexy?

[Youngcalcpl 125]

Hi Everyone,

 

We don't post that often but I wanted to ask something of the forum so that my wife can get some feedback. I apologize ahead of time if I tend to drag on.

 

We've not played all that many times due to a combination of finding the "right" people and the worries we have about our own weights. I've tried to reassure my wife that the people in the lifestyle vary in size, shape, age

and every other body feature possible. She just doesn't take my word for it that people in our shape and heavier (I wouldn't even think of using the term 'worse' to imply that's the case) have just as exciting, if not more, of experiences than those people that look like the current ideal. Showing her profiles of people that run the gamut for body shape and size doesn't reassure her of this fact.

 

Most recently I set her up to go on a blind date with a single male that I found on SLS. Not our normal thing but I wanted to surprise her for her birthday and we haven't played with anyone in almost 3 years. I had met him ahead of time to make sure he was the right type of guy and we planned the date to surprise her. She had a great time flirting with him over drinks and the short make-out session in the parking lot before coming home. The experience made her feel sexy to a degree but she just found it hard to believe that someone would find her sexy the way she is after kids and our past eating/exercise habits...despite me telling her how beautiful she is. I've learned that apparently she thinks I am required to say things like that as her husband as opposed to it being the truth so my opion can't be trusted.

 

Can anyone that cares to, chime in to this thread and confirm my belief in that it takes all types? For those of you that consider yourselves less than perfect are you willing to comment on the 'quality' of your lifestyle experiences.

 

Sorry for the long winded post and if I made it sound more dramatic than it really is.

 

Our profiles are Youngcalcpl on SLS and Colcpl on Kasidie in case that helps in any way.

[PB&J 1,086]

I perved your ad- she has nothing to worry about! Seriously, she looks very hot; you are an attractive couple. However, if she THINKS she's not going to be attractive to others, that attitude can kill ya right off the bat. And, really, from the pics, I can't see why she'd think that. What is perfection, after all? It's in the eye of the beholder. Just get out there and let her show herself off in something tight and sexy- there should be no problem.

[bbarnsworth 2,637]

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Youngcalcpl, I'm sorry but if you don't have an absolutely perfect body, perfect attitude, perfect size, perfect life, perfect job, perfect kids, perfect car, perfect kids you just aren't suitable for this lifestyle. Please submit your perfectness application to the Lifestyle Interrogation & Certification Board. We will respond to you in 4-6 weeks with our determination. Thank you.

 

------

 

In all seriousness, this is a problem question frequently seen here. PLENTY of couples have this concern. The reality is that our society places a heavy, heavy burden upon women as to what 'perfect' is. Just walk past the magazine rack at any given store. For any of the fashion magazines, it is VERY rare (or impossible) to find an image of a woman who appears to be an ounce over 120 lbs. Images are doctored all the time, tightening up skin, removing wrinkles, reducing weight, to adhere to this flawed notion of 'perfect'. It's really quite sick.

 

Reality? There is nothing that is perfect in human form. All of us have flaws. It is not up to us to decide whether another person is attracted to us. We can't make that decision for them. Some people like very heavy people. Some people like rail thin people. Some like people inbetween, some like big , some like small. Some like proportions some like proportions . And on and on and on. There are billions of people in this world, and just as many views on what is attractive and what is not. There is nothing...NOTHING...that your wife can do to change people's ideas of what is attractive or not.

 

What she can do is put her best foot forward.

 

As PB&J said, attitude counts a LOT more. Dress well, look clean and well put together, bring a smile and an easy to approach personality and she'll never have a problem.

 

The reality is that at swinger clubs, there's a broad range of body types. Every body type you can imagine will be at a swinger's club eventually. There's just as many body types looking for others out there on Swing Lifestyle.

 

As to your wife not trusting your opinion because you're supposed to say those things. Ok, flip it around. She doesn't think she's attractive to anyone. So, you're the only person on the planet insane enough to think she's attractive? What, you get turned on by her because you're crazy enough to be so?

 

My wife has some concerns in the same vein when we started swinging. Post kids, she lost a lot of weight getting back down to where she was before kids. But, her body wasn't the same and she didn't feel attractive. She found out in rapid fashion that my opinion of her was far, far from isolated. Your wife will find the same thing. I'll guarantee it...IF she brings a "happy to be there" personality.

 

By the way, like PB&J, I perved your profile too. When did you say you're visiting Indiana? Great profile by the way.

 

You have NOTHING to worry about.

[slevin 1,374]

As usual, PB&J nailed it. Your wife is attractive, she has nothing to worry about. Although I know that's not going to help.

 

At one point a few years ago I had a self realization moment where the type of woman that I was truly attracted to became very clear. Prior to that I was often looking at stereotypical blonde girls, tight bodies etc. and thinking they were hot. It was an interesting thing for me to realize that they might be considered hot, but they didn't excite me sexually. What really excited me sexually was women with a pretty face who looked 'natural' even when all done up. Women who weren't "tight" or skinny; women who had some curves and softness to their bodies. As a result life is a lot more fun when you pursue the type of people that truly float your boat!

 

Also, I really don't think there is anything sexier than a woman with some imperfections who really struts her sexiness in a confident manner. That air of confidence is just so damn attractive.

[exploringRM 305]

First off, everyone has body issues regardless of their actual appearance.

 

You can check out our profile (name to the left). Neither of us are at that perfect weight and our experiences have been great. We have made many friends in the lifestyle. of a wide age ranges and body types. Have people passed us by or not responded to emails due to not being in perfect shape? Sure. But everyone can't like everyone!

[sexcupid 809]

...despite me telling her how beautiful she is. I've learned that apparently she thinks I am required to say things like that as her husband as opposed to it being the truth so my opinion can't be trusted.

 

Sorry...but it does seems sort of obligatory for most men in relationships to be complimentary of their wives/girlfriends (or at the very least withhold major criticisms lol)...at least if they want their wife to still be civil.

 

For example, one of my random awesome moments this week was when a lady walked up to my sweetie and myself in the middle of a burger joint and said "I just couldn't leave without telling you how pretty I think you are" yeah I was like this for the next few hours.

 

Check out our profile as well...I'm definitely on the bigger side of things, but we've made fun friends and had some good experiences. I agree that there are those who are looking for "perfect" (but as others have said even those that are "perfect" have something about themselves they don't like). Have we been ruled out b/c of my weight? I'm sure. But that's why we have pictures on our profile so just in case people don't pay attention to the number I have typed in, they can see me/us.

 

Attitude does go a long way in how people perceive you. If you are negative about yourself, it does come across (nonverbals can totally give you away). Wear clothes that make you feel sexy and that you are comfortable in. My preferred outfit when we go to the clubs or parties is jeans, cute shoes, and a top that shows of my boobs to their best advantage (with a good push up bra). Would I wear club wear or spandex? Hell no b/c I don't think those things are flattering on me (ironically I also felt that way when I was one of the "skinny" girls).

[Coupleerotic22 1,419]

Perfect doesn't exist.

Barbie is plastic and has no personality.

Great attitude is sexy.

Curvy is sexy.

Confidence is sexy.

Based on the pics, your wife is sexy. (Being down on herself can take that sexy away though, it just comes through when people meet)

 

Average dress size in the us is between 8 and 14. Some are bigger and some smaller.

Average people are the average swinger.

Average swingers have sex. So do bigger and smaller swingers.

Size wise your wife looks about average (that is a good thing)

 

Seriously, my wife was the same way. No matter what I said to compliment her, she felt like I was saying it because I loved her, I was obligated or I was insane, blind or both.

 

When we joined the lifestyle my wife was not the petite athlete she had been when we were 20 something, but she took care of herself despite having two kids. Her confidence was low. But men found her sexy and pursued her. Her confidence went up, and so did the number of men pursuing her.

 

TO be honest a set up blind date is probably not the best way to give her confidence. GO to some parties, meet people and there will be men there attracted to her and that find her sexy, I'd bet my bottom dollar. The more that happens the more confidence she will have. The more confidence she has, the more men will find her sexy.

[thosetwo76 15]

We do not consider ourselves perfect and we do not want perfection in our partners. For me, confidence and personality go a long way. I can totally understand not feeling good about yourself, and taking your clothes off in front of people who are not your s/o is intimidating, but once she sees that no one is perfect and no one expects her to be, maybe she will feel more confindent?

 

I felt very shy at first, but with more experience comes more confidence for me. We are not, by any means bed post notchers, and have only had a few experiences, but let me tell ya, someone other than your s/o or husband telling you how hot you are or how sexy you look is a BIG confidence booster, lol.

 

It helped that my husband was supportive and loving, but I am the same way, I always tell him that he has to say that b/c we are married, lol.

 

On another note, I prefer women who are not stick skinny. To me, women feel soo good when they are curvier and a little bit "softer". There are plenty of others out there who feel the same. I have seen several profiles that state a preference for curvy, full figured women (not that your wife is this, I'm just saying).

 

Good luck to you both!

[Chicup 41]

Ok, I need to be honest here.

 

Reading your story I expected to find someone, well HUGE on your add, and my advice would be that if shes not happy with herself then the best course of action would be helping her become happy with herself (aka lose weight).

 

Instead I find shes 155 or so at 5'8", thats NOT BAD. Hell if she wanted to lose a few pounds its not even something that would take a major project.

 

No shes fine for the lifestyle, and tbh better than most I've seen.

[LikeMinds321 1,527]

Youngcalcpl said:

 

...Most recently I set her up to go on a blind date with a single male that I found on Swing Lifestyle. Not our normal thing but I wanted to surprise her for her birthday and we haven't played with anyone in almost 3 years. I had met him ahead of time to make sure he was the right type of guy and we planned the date to surprise her. She had a great time flirting with him over drinks and the short make-out session in the parking lot before coming home. The experience made her feel sexy to a degree but she just found it hard to believe that someone would find her sexy the way she is after kids and our past eating/exercise habits...

You haven't said if you want to meet couples and play with women, but if you're wife is resisting meeting couples it may be because she's happiest with MFM play.

 

I've went through your posts here, and also visited your Swing Lifestyle profile, which has been around since 2005. You've got certs from two couples. And I get the feeling you've had more experience with MFM. You also like to surprise your wife by arranging something for her without her knowledge, just as you've explained above.

 

If you were brand new here, never had any swinging experience, I wouldn't find it unusual that your wife would be concerned about whether she would be likeable or sexy enough to swing. But you're not new. Your wife has meet couples, played with them, she's seen profiles and knows how varied swingers are. She's also had experience with MFM and solo play. I don't think her self-image issue is anything new, nor do I think it's the real issue here.

 

Could it be that your wife knows that when she expresses feeling down about herself she can count on you to surprise her with a guy? Could be it's all she wants out of swinging. You do the shopping, you do the work, you put the effort in, she sits back and waits for the moment when her surprise boy toy arrives.

[M1F2KTJ 473]

I love women of all shapes and sizes and "looks". A lot of what I think is sexy has more to do with their personality or attitude. I'm attracted to "low key" women, "shy" women, women who are sexy in my opinion but who don't think they are. I love proving to them that they make me horny and hard. You don't have to be a magazine model to get my attention.

[woodyxyz 16]

Women taught me a long time ago that, "Image is nothing - enthusiasm is everything".

And that sums it up for me...

[realcplub2 513]

Hello, to echo the previously stated.. You have nothing to worry about.. But moreover.

 

Damn, She is Hot.

 

I cant speak to the area you are in, browse the people in your area, and the PICTURES of the people in question. Talk about the situation, about the people and the "shapes" and if that still doesnt help to start that uneasiness to go away... Go to a meet and greet or an off premises club.. Play wallflower and observe.

 

As has been explained people within the swing lifestyle come from all walks of life, and in all shapes and sizes.

 

Now, here is the honesty rub, you both have to have a serious conversation about those shapes and sizes.. Because maybe, just maybe, the ones that she is attracted to, are the ones she is afraid will reject her. (IE the MUSCLE BEACH, GOLDS GYM SET)

[lizandtom 512]

As others have said, she doesn't have a weight problem, she has a self image problem. Unfortunately lacking confidence she's falling prey to what psychologists label 'the looking glass self:' She is not what she thinks she is, she is not what you think she is. She is what she thinks others think she is. I concur that you should attend M&G's ; after seeing all shapes and sizes, her trepidation should quickly fade after she mingles.

[JandT_Elkhart 76]

Here's another vote for "She's Hot". The F of this couple is "bigger" and is of a similar mindset - however we always find that we have no problem meeting other couples... hell last weekend we were in the couples (naked) area at Red Rooster and (heaven forbid, even NAKED), we had 3 different, attractive, couples approach us to play!

 

Anyway thought we'd chime in.. and hey, with your fantasy: "Basically a couples vacation to Vegas or somewhere where we can all kiss, touch and tease without any bystanders knowing who we are or who is married to whom."

 

Yeah, get to Vegas and we'll be more than happy to make that fantasy come true. We even know a couple laid-back yet fun nightclubs where this would be great to do!

 

Oh, we are JandT_Elkhart on SLS, altough our pics are fairly old (working on that!). The stats are correct, though!

[bi4me2 93]

(him)

 

"Perfection" is something that is done by plastic surgeons and air brush artists, and something that is very rarely seen in real life.

 

Every person has something they don't like about themselves, maybe a few extra pounds, a scar or a stretch mark and we beat ourselves up over it and think everyone is focusing on that imperfection but guess what, it isn't true.

 

Anyone worth their 'salt' looks at the whole picture. The wife and I have many times said "well she may have a few extra pounds but her personality makes up for it big time". Heck one of our 'play guys' is a little 'skinny down there' but he is such a nice guy we keep seeing him. It's not one thing or another, it's the whole 'package' that counts.

 

Heck my wife has 'imperfections' that she obsesses over and you know what? She is such an amazingly sexy lady, with a personality that everyone loves and when I look at her all I see is 'perfection' ... I (and the people we have played with) could care less about those minor imperfections because the 'whole package' is so freaking amazing some silly little 'imperfection' doesn't even come into play.

 

Be who you are, love who you are and show other people you love who you are and you love each other .... trust me, it shows the world you are sexy!

[Youngcalcpl 125]

Hi Everyone,

 

Thanks to all of you that responded. Sorry I didn't have a chance to log in over this weekend and comment. I didn't expect quite that many responses so I really should thank all of you for taking the time out to write on this subject.

 

LikeMinds321 said:

You haven't said if you want to meet couples and play with women, but if you're wife is resisting meeting couples it may be because she's happiest with MFM play.

 

I've went through your posts here, and also visited your Swing Lifestyle profile, which has been around since 2005. You've got certs from two couples. And I get the feeling you've had more experience with MFM. You also like to surprise your wife by arranging something for her without her knowledge, just as you've explained above.

 

Could it be that your wife knows that when she expresses feeling down about herself she can count on you to surprise her with a guy? Could be it's all she wants out of swinging. You do the shopping, you do the work, you put the effort in, she sits back and waits for the moment when her surprise boy toy arrives.

I don't mean to disagree with you on most of those points but I do want to clarify: She could have me set up a MFM any time she wanted by just asking me but she normally shoots down the idea due to her looks. We've also only played with 1 couple. Both certs are from couples we'd been to dinner with but not played with. Couples would be her preferred choice since she says there would be less guilt playing with them since she wouldn't be the one getting all the fun.

 

Oh and to all of you that said she is sexy, thank you. It really helps and I can't wait until she reads all of this tonight.

[bbarnsworth 2,637]

Couples would be her prefered choice since she says there would be less guilt playing with them since she wouldn't be the one getting all the fun.

 

Umm, if you're anything like me, my wife sure as heck isn't the only one getting all the fun in an MFM! I'm not saying I play with the other guy, just saying I have a blast in MFMs because she's having so much fun, and it's great fun to have another guy and I do so much to please her. Fantastic time!

 

 

Oh and to all of you that said she is sexy, thank you. It really helps and I can't wait until she reads all of this tonight.

 

If she thinks she's not sexy, she's nuts. Period

[Youngcalcpl 125]

Umm, if you're anything like me, my wife sure as heck isn't the only one getting all the fun in an MFM! I'm not saying I play with the other guy, just saying I have a blast in MFMs because she's having so much fun, and it's great fun to have another guy and I do so much to please her. Fantastic time!

 

 

 

 

If she thinks she's not sexy, she's nuts. Period

 

Exactly, I have a blast just pleasing her and seeing her pleased. She still thinks I allow those just to satisfy her fantasy but in reality the whole thing has grown on me. She must have been using subliminal messages in my sleep to make me prefer them over FMF's. And thanks for the compliment.

[LikeMinds321 1,527]

Youngcalcpl said:

 

...I don't mean to disagree with you on most of those points but I do want to clarify: She could have me set up a MFM any time she wanted by just asking me but she normally shoots down the idea due to her looks. We've also only played with 1 couple. Both certs are from couples we'd been to dinner with but not played with. Couples would be her preferred choice since she says there would be less guilt playing with them since she wouldn't be the one getting all the fun.

If you disagree, please feel free to say so. It's quite all right. The point of a forum is to share ideas and thoughts. I like to look for possibilities that may not be apparent at first glance.

 

Thanks for coming back to provide more information. Your wife might feel more comfortable about herself if she became more familiar with how swingers think. This forum is a wonderful place to do just that. I encourage her to join you here.

[Lolisa 15]

Sexiness is a combination of chemistry and confidence....The sexiest thing about everyone I have met is their confidence level. We have decided not to swing with a couple a second time not because the wife was large (she was, and she was very sexy physically) but because she did not think she was sexy and felt intimidated by me (the wife.) Attitude is everything. One of the greatest things about our club is walking into a room full of people of all ages and sizes and almost all of them are oozing confidence and sexuality. Confidence is hot! She needs to either accept that she is hot the way she is or do something about it so she feels good about herself! Its her judgement of herself that matters not anyone elses...and that's not just a swinger thing!!!! Now I have to check her out on sls since I hear she's so hot! LOL

[Trace Ekies 186]

Like virtually everyone, she has concerns that she need not worry about...

 

We've seen every type have fun...and they had worries too...but they had fun and worked on their "concerns".

 

Get out and meet people and she'll learn that some of what she calls flaws are appreciated by people...

 

Most of all...just get out and have fun.